You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame

by Karen C.L. Anderson, Eric Maisel (Foreword)

“Karen is the wise voice you want whispering in your ear when shame knocks on your door, reminding you that you are so much more than your relationship with your mother.” — Maggie Reyes , master certified marriage coach & bestselling author of The Questions for Couples Journal #1 New Release in Adult Children of Alcoholics What is your relationship to shame? How can you overcome it and live an intentional life of vulnerability? You Are Not Your Mother guides readers on how to see shame, and live separately from it. Shift away from shame and turn to radical forgiveness. Grow your internal self acceptance and resilience with this guide for women. Packed with meditative prompts to help you explore your relationship to shame. You are Not Your Mother caters to your inner desires to be seen, heard, and known. The toxic generational trauma and unhealthy relationships stop with you! Explore your personal roots to shame with an expert. As a top authority on recovering from growing up in toxic families, Karen C.L. Anderson walks you through her shame story, her relationship with her narcissistic mother, and the simple practices she has developed to alleviate guilt from unhealthy relationships. Author of bestselling Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters with over 150,000 copies sold, Karen offers tools to process, understand and move beyond childhood trauma so you can not only survive, but thrive. Inside, you’ll If you enjoy therapy books and content on emotion management, then this book is for you! If you liked I’m Glad My Mom Died, Mother Hunger, or Uprooting Shame And Guilt , you’ll love You Are Not Your Mother .

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

196 pages, Paperback

Published June 13, 2023

About the author

Karen C.L. Anderson is a master-certified life coach, author, and blogger who makes sure adult daughters know how to create autonomy, resilience, and empowerment in their lives by helping them redefine who they are in relationship to their mothers.

Prior that? She spent seven years as a freelance writer and before that she spent 17 years trying to fit her right-brained self into a left-brained career as a trade magazine journalist in the field of plastics (and if she had a dime for every time someone mentioned that line from The Graduate…).

Karen is married to the love of her life, Tim Anderson (a left-brained engineer), and they live in New London, CT, with their two cats, Bella and Starla. Karen is child-free by choice, has three step kids, and now gets to be Booboo to her stepdaughter’s two children.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B014O8BDLS

Reviews

[Beth E · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first chapter of the book lists abuse that the author experienced, in a format like poetry, and since the explanation for this came later in the book, I thought that the whole book would be like that. I found it very confusing, and I feel like it affected the way that I accessed the rest of the book.
I think that the book would have been better by starting with some sort of explanation of what the goal of the book was rather than jumping in with a list of abuse.
It is very likely to be triggering to others who experienced abuse, as well.

In short, this book was not helpful to me, but may be so to others.

[Mariam Gawwad · Rating 1 out of 5]

we don't share bullshit we write in notes 🤐

[Shrouk Shafie · Rating 1 out of 5]

مش متأكدة هل عشان مترجم ولا هو فعلا مش بيقدم اي حاجة جديدة ولا الواحد قرأ كتير في الموضوع ده.
محبط.

[Jobee Darling · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t love this, I listened to it though and I think that’s why.

[Hannah (Hannah, Fully) · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF @ 54%

[Tyler Hal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anderson’s recollection is refreshing because it is all about her. In Woelynn’s It Didn’t Start With You, demands empathy for your parents in order to heal and recover from your shame, and in Martin’s How not to Kill Yourself, in the end (and intertwined with admittedly a lot of good advise) he cites the people in his life-- his wife and children as tethers to this world. Anderson’s examination of her shame and anxiety centers her completely; her mother is almost incidental, except that she is unwittingly holding up a mirror of shame to her daughter; that she perhaps means well but doesn’t have the tools to express it, yet her willingness to try is not an excuse to cross Anderson’s newfound boundaries... inspiring.

I’m definitely going to read this one again and try to recreate the brief short story format of her recollections in part one with my own life, and then complete whatever writing exercises there were/ show them to my therapist.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Are Not Your Mother is a deeply affirming and beautifully written guide for anyone seeking to understand and release the grip of generational shame. Karen C. L. Anderson brings both professional wisdom and heartfelt vulnerability to these pages, creating a book that feels less like a lecture and more like a steady, reassuring hand guiding you forward. From the very beginning, the book makes one thing clear: shame is learned, not inherent and therefore, it can be unlearned.

What makes this book especially powerful is its balance of insight and practicality. Anderson doesn’t just explain where shame comes from; she offers gentle, accessible practices and meditative prompts that invite real reflection and healing. Her willingness to share her own experiences, particularly around growing up with a narcissistic mother, adds authenticity and emotional depth without ever overwhelming the reader.

The writing is compassionate, validating, and empowering. Rather than encouraging blame or bitterness, the book emphasizes radical forgiveness, self-acceptance, and emotional resilience. It consistently reinforces the idea that you can honor your story without being defined by it. The message that “the cycle stops with you” is both grounding and profoundly hopeful.

For readers who appreciated books like Mother Hunger or I’m Glad My Mom Died, this work offers a similarly honest exploration of complex mother-child dynamics, but with a uniquely soothing and nurturing tone. You Are Not Your Mother is not just a book it’s a healing companion for women ready to reclaim their identity, their voice, and their freedom from shame.

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know if anyone reaches adulthood completely shame free. But if you're like me (and Karen), and you grew up in a home with narcissistic abuse and neglect, shame in our adult life is on overdrive. Sometimes, we can block out experiences that happened to us, the repeated messages we received from the most important person in our young life: our mother. One thing (among many) that I loved about this book was the honesty with which Karen wrote, thereby illuminating her experiences of trauma and abuse. The kind of imagery/detail Karen shared can be what helps us dive deeper into our own experiences, excavate, and use that information to heal. Karen shares so much insight in this book. . .not only what happened to her in the aftermath of her childhood, but also the work she had to do and the difficult choices she had to make to take care of herself, to grow, to interrupt those old unhealthy patterns with new ones. A very helpful guide.

[ياسمين · Rating 2 out of 5]

وكما يمكن للزجاج أن ينكسر تصلنا فكرة أن قلوبنا وأرواحنا يمكن أن تتحطم أيضًا... وقد يحدث ذلك الحقيقة هي أن قلوبنا وأرواحنا المحطمة لا تدل على أي عيوب أو شروخ أصيلة.
فنعيش وقلوبنا وأرواحنا محطمة ومكسورة بالخزي، ونتعلم أن نخجل أنفسنا أكثر بقصص نحكيها لأنفسنا عن أنفسنا.

في يوم ما منذ زمن بعيد استوعبنا داخلنا قصة لم تكن لنا وهي غير حقيقية ... لم تكن حقيقية قط.

أنا سيئة أنا مثيرة للشفقة أنا فاشلة أنا بلا قيمة أنا لا أحب... لن أتجاوز ذلك، سيبقى دائما مشكلة، لقد حتم علي أن أخجل من نفسي.

لفترة من الوقت لا نعي تلك القصص، نتمسك بها، ولا نتخيل أنه يمكن أن توجد قصص أخرى.

ما لم نعرفه هو أن القصة نفسها كانت مكسورة

لذا فقد تركناها تؤلمنا لفترة... ثم جعلناها تشعل الشغف والتصميم داخلنا.

هذه هي هدية إزالة الخزي.

بدلا من أن نصدق أن الجمال لا يمكنه أن يكمن إلا في الكمال والسيمترية، نعلم الآن في أعماقنا أن الجمال يكمن في عدم الاستدامة وعدم الكمال.
نحن لسنا محطمات ومشروخات ومكسورات قصة أننا كذلك لا تمثل حياتنا بأكملها، وإنما لحظات في تاريخنا.

[Megan Kelly Hubbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read. I felt very seen and validated and inspired. It didn’t start with us. It started with our mothers or even their mothers. It started long ago. But it doesn’t have to continue.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was repeating to us, victims of narcissistic mothers, the same shaming and blaming statements we hear in our heads every day. Did not complete the book.

[Hajar - · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not sure if I like this, it’s very repetitive. I only liked the fact that it was relatable

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite how the title can come across, this isn't a book about bashing your mother. It's about understanding that generational trauma and shame is very real, and how it can be passed down through the generations. How much of this particular gift passed down the maternal line that you'll accept and use depends on several variables, such as individual sensitivity, and / or awareness that you've been given a gift in the first place, and how this gift manifests. Shame will manifest differently for different women. I'm slowly working on improving my emotional self awareness, and this book was certainly a great help. I regret not reading it on Kindle so that I could highlight several ideas that helped me immensely.

Kirkus Review Excerpt:
"A large part of what works for Anderson is recognizing the difficulties and ordeals that her own mother and grandmother went through. The traumas they experienced perpetuated the feelings of shame that they then handed down to the author—the exact same process that has occurred with so many women over countless generations: “The shame was so pervasive we couldn’t see it…it’s the water we have been swimming in for…ever. And it wasn’t ours.”

[Alina · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like a 2.8 ! Some good ideas 💡

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Karen C.L Anderson just gets it