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How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships
From the creator of The Holistic Psychologist and author of the #1 New York Times bestseller How to Do the Work comes this paradigm-shifting guide to strengthen your relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Relationships have long been essential to human survival. Our bodies and brains are programmed to seek out connection, both romantic and platonic. And yet, these vital bonds are often the at the root of some of our deepest suffering. For decades, experts have posited that maintaining successful relationships requires a certain kind of compromise; of two people changing their behaviors and instincts to better meet the needs of the other. In theory, it sounds reasonable. But in reality, while feeling seen, valued, and loved are basic human yearnings, we can’t rely on others to make us feel whole—it must come from within. In How to Be the Love You Seek , New York Times bestselling author Dr. Nicole LePera—whose integrative, holistic approach to psychology has attracted an audience of millions—offers a new path to healing relationships. Harnessing the latest scientific research, she explains how the unmet needs rooted in our earliest relationships influence our connections in the present. It is only when we take responsibility for our unmet needs, she suggests, that we can begin to coexist with others in a healthy, loving way. Whether the relationship at issue is with a spouse or partner, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, or a colleague—Dr. LePera teaches us how identify the wounds and conditioning that underlie discord and disconnection and begin to heal in mind and body. Complete with stories, exercises, journal prompts, and other practical guidance, How to Be the Love You Seek is poised to become an instant classic, and the go-to relationship resource for a new generation.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2023
3452 people are currently reading
20265 people want to read
About the author
Nicole LePera
22 books1,302 followersDr. Nicole LePera is a Holistic Psychologist who believes that mental wellness is for everyone. She evolved her more traditional training from Cornell University and The New School to one that acknowledges the connection between the mind and body.
Dr. LePera views mental and physical struggles from a whole person perspective and works to identify the underlying physical and emotional causes. She understands that balance is an integral part of wellness and empowers individuals to heal themselves, supporting them on their wellness journeys.
Dr. LePera founded the Mindful Healing Center in Center City Philadelphia. She recently expanded her work online creating a platform for teaching these often overlooked components of mental wellness to individuals and practitioners around the world.
Dr. LePera views mental and physical struggles from a whole person perspective and works to identify the underlying physical and emotional causes. She understands that balance is an integral part of wellness and empowers individuals to heal themselves, supporting them on their wellness journeys.
Dr. LePera founded the Mindful Healing Center in Center City Philadelphia. She recently expanded her work online creating a platform for teaching these often overlooked components of mental wellness to individuals and practitioners around the world.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 547 reviews
December 15, 2023
3 1/2 Stars
I feel so bad writing this review since I love Nicole and her last book, but this one fell short for me. It was very wordy and felt impersonal, almost like she gave AI an excerpt and the computer wrote the rest using repetitive language and word use. The entire last chapter felt out of place and unnecessary. My favourite was the epilogue which was written in her voice. Some great points on co-regulation, however I would recommend her book How To Do The Work to get you started on self-reflection and improvement.
I feel so bad writing this review since I love Nicole and her last book, but this one fell short for me. It was very wordy and felt impersonal, almost like she gave AI an excerpt and the computer wrote the rest using repetitive language and word use. The entire last chapter felt out of place and unnecessary. My favourite was the epilogue which was written in her voice. Some great points on co-regulation, however I would recommend her book How To Do The Work to get you started on self-reflection and improvement.
January 14, 2024
Nerdy therapist review.
3.5 stars. I’m admittedly fascinated by LePera and her work. She has a LARGE following in SocialMedia land. There are also podcasts that allude to her being involved in some political things that seem incongruent with her work. I certainly encounter quite a bit of disgust when mentioning her work with clients. That being said, I was open-minded in reading her latest book.
Her influence stems from people believing she is a credible doctor and mental health expert. She has a very lucrative online following, and a community of paid members in a closed group. She studied a science that she seems to “not believe in”. She rejects the idea of diagnosis and paints everything with her trauma brush. After reading this book, it seems realllllly clear to me that everything she claims is complex trauma looks a LOT like neurodivergence. Her “emotionally disconnected parents”, her highly analytical mind, her intense interests, her radical political beliefs, her non-traditional relationship, her emotional dysregulation, and so many accounts of rigid thinking patterns. There is a lot of cross over between neurodivergence and the nervous system responses she categorizes as trauma.
I think much of her advice regarding nervous system regulation, co-regulation, and the introduction of ideas like emotional contagion are spot on. But I think the topic of neurology has a place in the story here.
3.5 stars. I’m admittedly fascinated by LePera and her work. She has a LARGE following in SocialMedia land. There are also podcasts that allude to her being involved in some political things that seem incongruent with her work. I certainly encounter quite a bit of disgust when mentioning her work with clients. That being said, I was open-minded in reading her latest book.
Her influence stems from people believing she is a credible doctor and mental health expert. She has a very lucrative online following, and a community of paid members in a closed group. She studied a science that she seems to “not believe in”. She rejects the idea of diagnosis and paints everything with her trauma brush. After reading this book, it seems realllllly clear to me that everything she claims is complex trauma looks a LOT like neurodivergence. Her “emotionally disconnected parents”, her highly analytical mind, her intense interests, her radical political beliefs, her non-traditional relationship, her emotional dysregulation, and so many accounts of rigid thinking patterns. There is a lot of cross over between neurodivergence and the nervous system responses she categorizes as trauma.
I think much of her advice regarding nervous system regulation, co-regulation, and the introduction of ideas like emotional contagion are spot on. But I think the topic of neurology has a place in the story here.
January 6, 2024
This book was something different than what I was hoping for.
Basically it's real scientific facts and psychology used as a trojan horse to make pseudoscience sound good and look like real facts.
The reality is: HeartMath Institute and their heart coherence is pseudoscience. She writes as if it is real science.
On Wikipedia, HeartMath Institute is listed as a group promoting quackery: List of organizations opposing mainstream science
Criticism of HeartMath Institute:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HeartMath_Institute#Criticism
Energy Medicine – Noise-Based Pseudoscience by Steven Novella
HeartMath Considered Incoherent by Scott Alexander
If you want real science and psychology that isn't mixed with pseudoscience, then this book isn't for you.
Basically it's real scientific facts and psychology used as a trojan horse to make pseudoscience sound good and look like real facts.
The reality is: HeartMath Institute and their heart coherence is pseudoscience. She writes as if it is real science.
On Wikipedia, HeartMath Institute is listed as a group promoting quackery: List of organizations opposing mainstream science
Criticism of HeartMath Institute:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HeartMath_Institute#Criticism
Energy Medicine – Noise-Based Pseudoscience by Steven Novella
HeartMath Considered Incoherent by Scott Alexander
If you want real science and psychology that isn't mixed with pseudoscience, then this book isn't for you.
December 6, 2023
I’d give it a 3.5 if I could. I think for me it was a boring read because it wasn’t very different from her first book and it’s repetitive, maybe because I already knew most of it.
February 14, 2024
Self help books are good to read but when it’s coming from a doctor perspective it can be hard to connect with the author. I tried very hard not to give up on the book but unfortunately I had to.
December 20, 2023
Overall, I think there were some good exercises, but there weren’t any new ideas or perspectives on the topics. If I’m being honest, it felt like I was reading a first draft. There was a lot of redundancy and I caught a handful of spelling errors. I felt like the book only touched the surface of each topic with constant promises for more elaboration in following chapters. Maybe I’ve just read too many self-help books and the writing style of this one just didn’t resonate with me. I don’t doubt it has potential to be effective in other people’s lives. Personally, I get more out of her bite sized content on Instagram.
July 17, 2024
A nice introduction to the topic but there’s nothing here that isn’t covered already (and better) in similar books. For a “How To” book written by a psychologist, way too much time is spent on the author’s life story (and other real or fictional people) rather than the reader.
January 22, 2024
I really liked parts of it, mostly in the first half. The second half had some advice that left me puzzled and wondering if this was written by an expert? Looked it up and she specializes in psychology, which makes sense why the physical health tips fell short. A medical doctor would have approached it very differently. The advice didn't really feel science-based?
The sections of how to help a partner self regulate had me a bit frustrated again, since it puts the mental load and work on one person. Which, most of us would know, is usually the women.
I took what I could, and left the rest behind in the book.
The sections of how to help a partner self regulate had me a bit frustrated again, since it puts the mental load and work on one person. Which, most of us would know, is usually the women.
I took what I could, and left the rest behind in the book.
December 17, 2023
Overall, the author has an optimistic view that everyone can change, heal themselves through optimal self care/awareness and ultimately create meaningful relationships. I really enjoyed parts of the book that emphasized the importance of learning to identify and express your needs to others and move away from expecting others to know what you want.
I still struggled with parts of the book that did not fully highlight the role of privilege and accessibility in achieving mental wellness. While I enjoy her positivity, I also think it’s important to be realistic about how social problems contribute to the mental health crisis. As an eating disorder therapist, I also continue to be disappointed in the author projecting unhealthy views on food that lead many people to engage in disordered eating. There was an eating disorder trigger warning in this book, but it didn’t change the fact that there was very polarized beliefs around processed foods and sugars. Food is meant to provide more than nutrients- what about satisfaction, connection, and satiety? And her answer to folks who can’t afford organic nutrient dense foods- go to a food bank! Oof, this felt so out of touch.
I still struggled with parts of the book that did not fully highlight the role of privilege and accessibility in achieving mental wellness. While I enjoy her positivity, I also think it’s important to be realistic about how social problems contribute to the mental health crisis. As an eating disorder therapist, I also continue to be disappointed in the author projecting unhealthy views on food that lead many people to engage in disordered eating. There was an eating disorder trigger warning in this book, but it didn’t change the fact that there was very polarized beliefs around processed foods and sugars. Food is meant to provide more than nutrients- what about satisfaction, connection, and satiety? And her answer to folks who can’t afford organic nutrient dense foods- go to a food bank! Oof, this felt so out of touch.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 2, 2024
TL;DR: irresponsible cult-like pyramid scheme meant to indoctrinate people into her pseudo-scientific program about ”tuning in with your heart” (which, obviously, only she knows how to teach you)
I do psychotherapy for ptsd, and the first 170 pages were solid, scientific, and supported what i do in therapy already. Without the context of formal psychology studies (such as mine), or years in therapy, the book lacks several very important acknowledgements and disclaimers (not a word on trauma work with a therapist, how traumatised intuition is not very often trustworthy, medical interventions, systematic trauma + how that cannot be meditated away), meant to encourage people to use her books and paid courses as their only means of recovery. After 170 pages, the book takes a total nose-dive into pseudo-science/medinice, twisting all of the scientifically and psychologically sound theories from ealier into absolute nonsense about heartbeat morse code, electromagnetic energy and ”quantum theory” of the soul. She continues to do this: she uses entirely evindence-based and well-known theories to lure people in before introducing something so entirely out of pocket that it sounds like religion. People less used to critical thinking/less knowledgeable in the topic will be fooled, and it’s unethical.
Which is also how i found out her service is cult-like and most certainly a pyramid scheme. Would be completely irresponsible to recommend this book to anyone when its so rife with misinformation
I do psychotherapy for ptsd, and the first 170 pages were solid, scientific, and supported what i do in therapy already. Without the context of formal psychology studies (such as mine), or years in therapy, the book lacks several very important acknowledgements and disclaimers (not a word on trauma work with a therapist, how traumatised intuition is not very often trustworthy, medical interventions, systematic trauma + how that cannot be meditated away), meant to encourage people to use her books and paid courses as their only means of recovery. After 170 pages, the book takes a total nose-dive into pseudo-science/medinice, twisting all of the scientifically and psychologically sound theories from ealier into absolute nonsense about heartbeat morse code, electromagnetic energy and ”quantum theory” of the soul. She continues to do this: she uses entirely evindence-based and well-known theories to lure people in before introducing something so entirely out of pocket that it sounds like religion. People less used to critical thinking/less knowledgeable in the topic will be fooled, and it’s unethical.
Which is also how i found out her service is cult-like and most certainly a pyramid scheme. Would be completely irresponsible to recommend this book to anyone when its so rife with misinformation
January 12, 2024
The beginning of the book had me, but towards the end is where I fell off. I respect where the author was going, but I feel like as a therapist if I told a client to read this they would be frustrated.
It defiantly provides education and validation around why we behave in different relationships, and gravitate towards certain types of people.. but not much is left to how to navigate it really. The book felt repetitive and I was a little bored reading the same thing over and over and found myself skimming.
I also agree with the other reviews that there is some privilege that lines the words and stories in this book, and it would have been nice to address that a bit more.
It defiantly provides education and validation around why we behave in different relationships, and gravitate towards certain types of people.. but not much is left to how to navigate it really. The book felt repetitive and I was a little bored reading the same thing over and over and found myself skimming.
I also agree with the other reviews that there is some privilege that lines the words and stories in this book, and it would have been nice to address that a bit more.
October 3, 2024
Honestly I needed something thought provoking after all my lit fic and contemporary romances, and this was perfect. An insightful read for me, and I will be taking the learnings from it forward.
December 17, 2023
I really liked the first 4-5 chapters of this book and thought the overall message was really important (recognizing your own patterns, history, and behaviors and working to change them can fundamentally improve your ability to relate to others and stay regulated in relationship). The second half of the book got repetitive to me, and also seemed to be more and more based in her own experience and conjecture and less in anything that's been scientifically validated. I would've appreciated more footnotes/references to where she got some of her claims.
January 2, 2024
This book is not what I thought it was going to be.
Based on the title alone, I thought it was going to be about codependency and attachment theory — a relationship self-help book, I guess. I got the audiobook simply because I follow Nicole LePera on Instagram and her posts help me understand my husband better. I figured whatever she had to say would be smart, so I got the book without much thought.
I soon realized that this book is about much, much more. I already know quite a bit about complex trauma, therapy, and even specific topics like EMDR, but I still learned a lot from this book. I was surprised to learn more about myself, and even practical exercises to regulate my nervous system. I loved learning about how couples who have suffered trauma can practice co-regulation. I didn't even realize that my husband and I already do this. Now we can practice with intention.
It's always amazing to read a book and recognize yourself in it. I can use a lot of what I learned to bring more intention and peace into my life.
Based on the title alone, I thought it was going to be about codependency and attachment theory — a relationship self-help book, I guess. I got the audiobook simply because I follow Nicole LePera on Instagram and her posts help me understand my husband better. I figured whatever she had to say would be smart, so I got the book without much thought.
I soon realized that this book is about much, much more. I already know quite a bit about complex trauma, therapy, and even specific topics like EMDR, but I still learned a lot from this book. I was surprised to learn more about myself, and even practical exercises to regulate my nervous system. I loved learning about how couples who have suffered trauma can practice co-regulation. I didn't even realize that my husband and I already do this. Now we can practice with intention.
It's always amazing to read a book and recognize yourself in it. I can use a lot of what I learned to bring more intention and peace into my life.
January 8, 2024
While there are many helpful ideas in this book, it needs to be proofread and edited. I have noticed many mistakes related to spelling, punctuation, missing words, repeated words, etc. I find this distracting and disappointing. I hope the next edition will be edited more carefully. I’m reading the kindle version.
April 25, 2024
A Dnf for me
Got way more into attachment types then I was looking for . All of the advice about things to do to improve yourself were super diet culture heavy (I don’t think cutting out sugar and beer is going to solve my romantic struggles, I think it’s just gonna make me harder to be around)
Got way more into attachment types then I was looking for . All of the advice about things to do to improve yourself were super diet culture heavy (I don’t think cutting out sugar and beer is going to solve my romantic struggles, I think it’s just gonna make me harder to be around)
April 27, 2024
Solid 4.5 stars, but I rounded it up as I can really feel the impact this book has had on me.
It starts off really strong by introducing the reader to the topics of childhood trauma, coping mechanisms and nervous system dysregulation through a mix of stories and theory. This makes it a very engaging read. As one gets deeper into the book, these elements are also enhanced by practical exercises and advice on how to slowly start the healing process and find our true self under all the habitual reactions we've learned to survive throughout our life. I've been implementing these as I was reading and I can definitely feel a shift in the way I perceive myself and others. I also notice when I or others become dysregulated and I actually have the tools to deal with this now, instead of feeling overwhelmed and either people-pleasing, detaching or going into despair.
There is a lot of compassion and understanding in this text. It doesn't push or punish anyone for who they are at the current point in their journey, but provides the understanding and tools, which can empower us to make changes and actually heal.
The only complaint I have is that the last 2 chapters felt less impactful than the rest, but it's just my personal feeling. Besides that, I genuinely think this book has the potential to change people's lives.
It starts off really strong by introducing the reader to the topics of childhood trauma, coping mechanisms and nervous system dysregulation through a mix of stories and theory. This makes it a very engaging read. As one gets deeper into the book, these elements are also enhanced by practical exercises and advice on how to slowly start the healing process and find our true self under all the habitual reactions we've learned to survive throughout our life. I've been implementing these as I was reading and I can definitely feel a shift in the way I perceive myself and others. I also notice when I or others become dysregulated and I actually have the tools to deal with this now, instead of feeling overwhelmed and either people-pleasing, detaching or going into despair.
There is a lot of compassion and understanding in this text. It doesn't push or punish anyone for who they are at the current point in their journey, but provides the understanding and tools, which can empower us to make changes and actually heal.
The only complaint I have is that the last 2 chapters felt less impactful than the rest, but it's just my personal feeling. Besides that, I genuinely think this book has the potential to change people's lives.
December 29, 2023
This one was a mixed bag for me. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about how our upbringings affect the way we interact with others, so a lot of what was great about this book just simply wasn’t new for me. Others might give it 4 stars if they’re just starting on that journey. If you didn’t have any childhood trauma, this one won’t resonate with you as much. If you’re a parent, though, it might, as you try and be mindful of how your emotional baggage affects your child and his or her relationships going forward. The book advertises to be about relationships generally, but it’s definitely focused on romantic relationships, so know that going in. I got a little less out of it for that reason. A good read if you had childhood trauma or have children, and if you’re interested in improving your romantic relationships. Outside of those scenarios, I’d probably leave it on the shelf.
January 15, 2024
The first few chapters, which are solidly grounded in current psychological research and best practices, are good, if a bit of a repeat of her previous book.
The second half of the book, and this is deeply unfortunate, contains quite a bit of pseudoscience wrapped up very nicely in citations to sources that are considered academically questionable (if not completely fraudulent).
Disappointed. It would be great if the theories espoused within were verifiable, I truly think the world would be a better place, but until then…. Sorry, I’m sticking to peer-reviewed sources.
The second half of the book, and this is deeply unfortunate, contains quite a bit of pseudoscience wrapped up very nicely in citations to sources that are considered academically questionable (if not completely fraudulent).
Disappointed. It would be great if the theories espoused within were verifiable, I truly think the world would be a better place, but until then…. Sorry, I’m sticking to peer-reviewed sources.
December 31, 2023
I like Nicole LePara a lot. I think she is smart and eloquent and has changed people’s lives. It pains me to give this book 2 stars but it is very repetitive and long and a few good messages I believe are lost in a mountain of words.
I do think small bites on Instagram are perfect for her. 10 slides of perfectly chosen words are all she needs to get her very important points across.
I do think small bites on Instagram are perfect for her. 10 slides of perfectly chosen words are all she needs to get her very important points across.
October 17, 2024
i think this book does provide a lot of helpful advice and insights, but it also includes a lot of pseudoscience & unnecessary tangents. for me, it was one of those “take what’s meaningful & leave the rest” type of situations. i would still recommend it & if you’re into what my therapist refers to as “woo woo,” you’ll probably like it more than i did 🤣
July 19, 2024
Αbsolutely loved it
What a tool to have.
I have already bought it for my loved ones and listened to parts again and again.
Helpful, serious, practical, honest.
Admirable work.
What a tool to have.
I have already bought it for my loved ones and listened to parts again and again.
Helpful, serious, practical, honest.
Admirable work.
September 22, 2024
LePera incorporates personal experience, client case studies, and evidence-based research. Her multifaceted approach ensure the reader practically engages with self-reflection and regulation. I may suggest readers have a grasp on Attachment Theory before recommending the book. However, LePera writes for accessibility and empowerment of one’s individual and interpersonal wellness.
April 7, 2024
Alles wat ik nu nodig had, love it
December 14, 2024
For anybody wanting to look internally for better connections externally rather it be with friends, family, and/or partners. We are the problem. But we can be the solution.
September 26, 2024
80% DNF
It feels wrong to rate a book that I didn't finish, but I will say that this was disappointing especially coming off of When the Body Says No because although there were some very insightful concepts about childhood trauma and love between parents and their children and I felt myself genuinely questioning some relationships that I have/have had, there was a lot of filler that moved too slowly for me to treasure the impactful parts. Maybe this is one of those books best bought and physically read because there are reflective questions that are encouraged for the reader to write down- ig I didn't like that I felt I was tricked into a written assignment when I thought I was signing up for a peaceful listening experience but I'm mostly okay with it. Onto the next~
It feels wrong to rate a book that I didn't finish, but I will say that this was disappointing especially coming off of When the Body Says No because although there were some very insightful concepts about childhood trauma and love between parents and their children and I felt myself genuinely questioning some relationships that I have/have had, there was a lot of filler that moved too slowly for me to treasure the impactful parts. Maybe this is one of those books best bought and physically read because there are reflective questions that are encouraged for the reader to write down- ig I didn't like that I felt I was tricked into a written assignment when I thought I was signing up for a peaceful listening experience but I'm mostly okay with it. Onto the next~
December 4, 2023
Audiobook. Basically do the work-see her other book and keep dealing with your family of origin trauma, don’t put it on your partner/s-the ways you learned to survive in your family of origin/your traumas, learn to regulate yourself, learn to handle your triggers by not making them your partner’s issues unless you both agree to use each other as regulators with care and check ins, take care of your emotions, your feelings, thoughts and your body for better results and you get more details on how the threesom happened.
March 17, 2024
27%
I would like to nominate this book for a raspberry award, not only does the author mix science and pseudoscience but she also inadvertently describes the toxic person as herself with her own hypocritical actions.
It's one thing I have a book about fake science, but when you add real science into you make a very confusing narrative for people.
I would like to nominate this book for a raspberry award, not only does the author mix science and pseudoscience but she also inadvertently describes the toxic person as herself with her own hypocritical actions.
It's one thing I have a book about fake science, but when you add real science into you make a very confusing narrative for people.
May 9, 2024
Adorei o primeiro livro traduzido da Nicole LePera - "Cura-te", por isso este não podia faltar na minha estante. À semelhança, é mais um excelente livro.
Estas edições ficaram bem bonitas e apelativas <3.
Sai-se mais rico depois da sua leitura. Não posso recomendar mais ;)
Estas edições ficaram bem bonitas e apelativas <3.
Sai-se mais rico depois da sua leitura. Não posso recomendar mais ;)
January 19, 2025
My roommate lent me this book, I was interested since I recognized the author from her Instagram page. I have very mixed feelings. This is going to be long, most likely.
To start, I don’t think this book needed to be almost 300 pages long. The content becomes extremely repetitive after the first 1/3rd, with a lot of filler paragraphs. At the end of each chapter, the author sums up the previous chapters/ethos of the book. She also does so in between the sections of each chapters, AND intermittently throughout. Because of this, the middle section dragged on & it was incredibly hard to get through for me. There are also copious typos, which does not make a good impression & contributes to the sense that the manuscript was rushed.
The book could benefit from more selective citations of scientific research, as well as more in-depth descriptions of the specific practices she references for body/mind consciousness. The author makes too many scientific claims without providing enough support to back them up. I think it should have been left as a “spiritual” text, because the science angle she provides is weak. A lot of the claims are pseudoscientific - she often describes physiological phenomena using vague & ambiguous language, without citing any scientific sources.
LaPera struggles to differentiate between her own personal spiritual theories, emerging scientific research that potentially supports such theories, and scientifically proven or quantitatively measurable observations of our body’s functioning. Thus we have statements like “it’s our heart, not our brain, that interprets the electromagnetic signals from (…) the world around us” with no source cited.
Or, “with heart coherence, our heart sends our brain (…) nerve impulses, hormones, neurotransmitters, and electromagnetic energy, all of which lower our perceived stress and increase our stress resiliency.”
This is just lazy and sloppy writing, as 1) our heart and brain do this all the time, these are biological processes to ensure our body’s basic physiological functioning, regardless of how relaxed or grounded we are. 2) all hormones & neurotransmitters are not created equal. For example, increased cortisol, adrenaline, and even dopamine will not lower our perceived stress, at least in the short term. I am still unsure whether or not heart coherence is a “real” scientific term, or what it actually means.
Ok, onto what the book is actually about. On the one hand, it can be hard to engage with because my tendencies to be in my head and analyze prevented me from fully hearing & feeling the messages LePera gives us about our body. There were many good reminders here to “drop in” and listen to ourselves. Some of the exercises are quite useful, however I do find them superficial for the most part.
My biggest issue here is that all trauma is not created equal – and LePera offers no distinction between “normal” trauma (aka attachment issues) and trauma that is clinically significant. Our insecure attachment to our primary caregivers is given a lot of attention, weight, and importance. While attachment theory is undoubtedly important, I feel that it is overemphasized here. I have to say, I find it a bit of a cop out to pin our neurological wirings entirely on our parents & caregivers, especially in a world that is increasingly stressful on our nervous system (lights, noise, screen time for kids, food deserts, the turmoil of inner city life). At times it feels a bit like a 19-year-old having an identity crisis & blaming everything in their life on something their parents did wrong (guilty).
I find that at times the book veers into unrelatable territory because of this. There isn’t really any mention of trauma suffered later in life, or of childhood trauma not stemming from parental “neglect”, or of trauma rooted in circumstances that are violent, unusual, or extreme. No discussion of PTSD either, beyond a brief mention in passing. In a book that allows us to describe “trauma” as “your parents not paying enough attention to you,” it is incredibly flawed, in my opinion, to completely gloss over the topic of CLINICAL trauma. Fearing for your survival is a completely different situation than craving your parent’s approval, and the ramifications will naturally be more severe. And I mean, yeah, this is a self-help book not a PTSD treatment guideline… but still.
I also don’t like her insinuation that if your needs are not met physically, you cannot advance mentally/psychologically or spiritually. I feel that it discredits the COUNTLESS people who are “doing the work” every single day despite suffering under systemic poverty, racism, violence… spiritual, material, physical & emotional needs are interwoven. Our body is a vessel that we need in order to carry out the rest of our mission. But we can sustain ourselves spiritually and emotionally in times of physical lack. In fact; many people do so constantly. It is a tragic state to be in, but it is possible to do so. It happens all the time.
To start, I don’t think this book needed to be almost 300 pages long. The content becomes extremely repetitive after the first 1/3rd, with a lot of filler paragraphs. At the end of each chapter, the author sums up the previous chapters/ethos of the book. She also does so in between the sections of each chapters, AND intermittently throughout. Because of this, the middle section dragged on & it was incredibly hard to get through for me. There are also copious typos, which does not make a good impression & contributes to the sense that the manuscript was rushed.
The book could benefit from more selective citations of scientific research, as well as more in-depth descriptions of the specific practices she references for body/mind consciousness. The author makes too many scientific claims without providing enough support to back them up. I think it should have been left as a “spiritual” text, because the science angle she provides is weak. A lot of the claims are pseudoscientific - she often describes physiological phenomena using vague & ambiguous language, without citing any scientific sources.
LaPera struggles to differentiate between her own personal spiritual theories, emerging scientific research that potentially supports such theories, and scientifically proven or quantitatively measurable observations of our body’s functioning. Thus we have statements like “it’s our heart, not our brain, that interprets the electromagnetic signals from (…) the world around us” with no source cited.
Or, “with heart coherence, our heart sends our brain (…) nerve impulses, hormones, neurotransmitters, and electromagnetic energy, all of which lower our perceived stress and increase our stress resiliency.”
This is just lazy and sloppy writing, as 1) our heart and brain do this all the time, these are biological processes to ensure our body’s basic physiological functioning, regardless of how relaxed or grounded we are. 2) all hormones & neurotransmitters are not created equal. For example, increased cortisol, adrenaline, and even dopamine will not lower our perceived stress, at least in the short term. I am still unsure whether or not heart coherence is a “real” scientific term, or what it actually means.
Ok, onto what the book is actually about. On the one hand, it can be hard to engage with because my tendencies to be in my head and analyze prevented me from fully hearing & feeling the messages LePera gives us about our body. There were many good reminders here to “drop in” and listen to ourselves. Some of the exercises are quite useful, however I do find them superficial for the most part.
My biggest issue here is that all trauma is not created equal – and LePera offers no distinction between “normal” trauma (aka attachment issues) and trauma that is clinically significant. Our insecure attachment to our primary caregivers is given a lot of attention, weight, and importance. While attachment theory is undoubtedly important, I feel that it is overemphasized here. I have to say, I find it a bit of a cop out to pin our neurological wirings entirely on our parents & caregivers, especially in a world that is increasingly stressful on our nervous system (lights, noise, screen time for kids, food deserts, the turmoil of inner city life). At times it feels a bit like a 19-year-old having an identity crisis & blaming everything in their life on something their parents did wrong (guilty).
I find that at times the book veers into unrelatable territory because of this. There isn’t really any mention of trauma suffered later in life, or of childhood trauma not stemming from parental “neglect”, or of trauma rooted in circumstances that are violent, unusual, or extreme. No discussion of PTSD either, beyond a brief mention in passing. In a book that allows us to describe “trauma” as “your parents not paying enough attention to you,” it is incredibly flawed, in my opinion, to completely gloss over the topic of CLINICAL trauma. Fearing for your survival is a completely different situation than craving your parent’s approval, and the ramifications will naturally be more severe. And I mean, yeah, this is a self-help book not a PTSD treatment guideline… but still.
I also don’t like her insinuation that if your needs are not met physically, you cannot advance mentally/psychologically or spiritually. I feel that it discredits the COUNTLESS people who are “doing the work” every single day despite suffering under systemic poverty, racism, violence… spiritual, material, physical & emotional needs are interwoven. Our body is a vessel that we need in order to carry out the rest of our mission. But we can sustain ourselves spiritually and emotionally in times of physical lack. In fact; many people do so constantly. It is a tragic state to be in, but it is possible to do so. It happens all the time.
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