My Selling Pitch:
Do you want to read a YA urban fantasy where so much happens, but you’re so bored and annoyed with it that it feels like nothing happens? Do you like millennial humor? Do you like a romance that can barely be considered enemies to lovers? Do you love an underdeveloped magic system?
This is one of my don’t read it titles.
Pre-reading:
I don’t know what this is about. I think it’s YA. I don’t like the cover. It gives me like early seasons Game of Thrones vibes, but not in an enjoyable way, just in like a fanboy way. I got sent a special edition and the sprayed edges are pretty, but like it’s still just a hand on a sword and I’m not into that. Also, why is it so long? I can’t imagine this story needing 470 pages and multiple books. I really hope I get proved wrong.
Thick of it:
I think this girl is the audiobook girlie for No Exit. Hold on. Let me google. (Update it was Hairpin Bridge. I knew it was a Taylor Adams book. I think it’s interesting how often I notice repeat audiobook narrators, and I wonder what it means that so many of my titles end up read by the same person. Like do I secretly read books linked together somehow?)
I never use maps. (And there was no need for it to be in here.)
Oh, not a cat lady book.
Oh, I didn’t know this was urban fantasy.
These names are whack.
You know I feel bad for going into this book with such a sour mood. I’m kinda into it. (Ha! She was so young, so innocent.)
So I don’t know the legend of King Arthur. (And I still don’t.)
Ayyy Boston! A local.
I think tarot is so fun. I’d love to have my cards read someday.
This is firmly a cat lady book.
I swear to god, if they draw the death card-(We’re safe from that particular book sin.)
Tower badddd
Calm down, edgelord.
Annnnd enemies to lovers with the rich privileged boy.
They all got weird names.
A little OUAT Rumpelstiltskin throwback?
Main girly’s appearance revealed through a mirror cliché.
Oh, now that was made for fanart. What a scene.
And he’s got cliché funky eyes. OK, is he a pine boy or is he a cinnamon boy? Can’t wait to find out.
Who talks like this? How old are they? Aren’t they teenagers? What teenager talks like this?
She eats rocks. Send her to Stardew Valley.
Pooka
All these edgy boys always got these scars, and all I ever hear is that Joker line.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a boy compared to a pomegranate before. I spit my pomegranate seeds. I don’t spit my boys-(I know you think you’re funny, but you need to stop.)
Same energy as that meme with DW from Arthur saying this sign can’t stop me because I can’t read.
Why does he call her bird? It’s so annoying. It’s mildly offensive imo.
You’re gonna offer soup in this economy of ACOTAR.
How many goddamn cat references are going to be in this book?
I need her to not describe her adoptive daddy like he’s a hottie, thank you.
A minty boy!
If you don’t like it, give it back. No. Then it helps.
Oh, she drinks black coffee. She’s so edgy.
Wow, a cat lady and a plant lady. She really picked both of my peeves.
Stop calling her birD.
This dialogue is fucking awful.
They’re both such edgelords. Also, I don’t know how old they’re supposed to be, but they’re coming across like they’re 16.
Oh my god, edgelord. I regretted coming into this book with a sour mood, but no longer. Regret rescinded. This is bad. This is BAD. Like the plot is mediocre, but the characters have really ruined it for me.
This is some millennial-ass writing with the whole they want us to have 10 years of job experience to get a first-time job. Like, shut up.
Lol, so his dad tried to kill him.
She is good at crafting images and sets. She is horrible at characters’ dialogue.
How is he not transforming into a dog now if it’s emotion-based? (His powers made no sense.)
Tell me you’ve never ridden a horse without telling me you’ve never ridden a horse.
cuirass
portcullis
It’s not enemies to lovers if he’s already in love with her. Like this is stupid.
Title drop
Hamadryad
This book is gonna be long and miserable to get through.
Millennial humor: oh my god, coffee is my personality.
One horse trope?
I feel like I’ve been reading this book for ages and I’m still not at 50%.
Horny jail, Tamsin.
Very Hannibal
You mean the room full of dead bodies means death? Wow. I mean I don’t know what we would’ve done if the book hadn’t told us that. I can’t stand this.
When I say the dialogue is awful-
I don’t care about any of this plot. People are dying and I feel nothing. That’s bad.
Absolutely horny jail.
When I get to the end of this book, I’m not gonna be able to tell you what happened because I don’t think anything happened.
This is not an impactful reveal. We knew the whole book that his daddy did it. Gah, I’m so bored.
Just like genuinely, why do we care? Why are we arguing about like what the monster is or where it came from? Who gives a shit? Who gives a single flying fuck? Either kill it or like move on. I don’t care.
I can’t tell you how old anyone in this book is. I guess they’re doing a gay romance with like the priestess lady and the cat girl, but like I was under the impression the priestesses were like middle-aged and that the cat girl was like a high schooler. I don’t know. I hate this book.
If these people take vows that seriously, I’d hate to see them try and get out of a planet fitness gym membership.
Athame
I mean the book opened by telling us that she would be betrayed. That ruined all the tension. Like we were just waiting for it.
I feel like this whole book is just oh, the magic rules say we can’t solve this problem and then them being like oh, well, there’s a loophole now so let’s use magic to fix it.
I like how they have to info dump and explain the plot to you within the book because no one has any idea what’s going on.
Again, you have a character called Lord Death and you expect us to think he was anything but a villain? Like oh man, who could the villain be?
Buddy boy. I just, this book is so dumb. You’re so dumb. You really said I’m gonna trust this person literally named death with my whole chest. Like you speak English right?
This one I might’ve missed because I have not been paying attention this entire book, but did they point out that he had the wrong hand missing? But the rest of the characters had noticed and they just went along with it? They didn’t think for a second like hey, maybe this guy could be an impostor?
What’s the battery life on her cd player?
Post-reading:
Theoretically, I have read this book but I cannot tell you a thing that happened in it. Disclaimer I’ve never read a single bit about Arthur. I’ve never even seen the Disney movie. That being said, I don’t think you need to have read anything about it for this book because I’m not sure what it would contribute. The positive reviews for this book baffle me because I was so bored and so checked out and it was so long, but I am incapable of DNF-ing a book.
Here is my drunken summary of what I think happened in this book:
I guess some children get abandoned by their treasure-hunting adoptive daddy. We love an orphan cliche. I guess one’s a werewolf. The other one’s name is Tamsin. (Truly, everyone in this book has the most outrageous names and no one talks about it.) Instead of going to college or working at McDonalds, they’re like I know what we can do-let’s get hired by some witches to keep finding these dangerous magical artifacts. So like some sexy lady (truly the only person in this entire book I was interested in) who has lovers with dead animal heads (Bunny called, Mona Awad is wet) hires them to get a curse breaker ring because her cereal boxes ran out of prizes (and like she’s this all-powerful witch, but she can’t get off her ass and get it herself because oh my god, does it look like she does manual labor? Also, she eats gemstones and all I can think of is Stardew Valley). Obviously, they don’t ask why she wants the ring. Why would we care about that? We’ll just do it. Cue the appearance of every single fantasy romance‘s favorite broody, daddy-issue-loaded rich boy for some enemies to lovers. He’s also after the ring for because? Somehow these children decide that the secret decoder ring is in ye old Arthur-land because daddy went out to get milk and by milk he probably meant Arthur. So they go there. (There’s some magic library key nonsense involved but like it doesn’t matter how they get there. It truly doesn’t, and I don’t know why we wasted so much time on it.)
When they get to Arthur-land, they’re like oh my god, I was expecting unicorns and rainbows and like maybe some knights, but this is some child zombies, and also the sky is gray and that makes us sad. They get rescued from the horde of Renesmees by some priestesses who are very confused about their job description. And the priestesses are like lol we don’t like you. You’re traveling with a witch. Witches are evil. They use magic. (I guess on the way they picked up this cat girl orphan who is like a witch because? She’s like obsessed with Tamsin, but not in a gay way. They made sure to clarify.) So the priestesses take them back to the castle to lock them up in jail but obviously, they’re gonna give them medical care first because they are #NotEvil. So they like use magic to heal them and then the Scooby Doo gang is like lol isn’t that a little hypocritical? And they’re like oh my god, no. This is totally different. Also, Arthur-land is dying. Boo-hoo. For some reason the Goonies care? I don’t know empathy maybe? But like I don’t know why we care. So obviously they put down the mission to get Princess Diana’s ring, and they’re like oh my god, we have to kill all the nightmare children. And the priestesses are like oh my god, we can’t kill the nightmare children. They’re our children. They’ve just been corrupted. And I’m sitting here like did I stutter? (Just make more. It’s fine. Those ones are a wash. Even if you were to uncurse them, they’ll probably be like super traumatized from tearing apart their friends and family, and you guys don’t have ye old therapists.) The ring that they’re looking for for sexy not a furry lady witch breaks curses so they’re like oh my god, this is perfect. Fate. Serendipity. Two birds, one stone.
There’s like a little interlude here where they info dump some myths and legends about Arthur-land on you. I don’t remember them. I didn’t care. I think at some point Merlin is a tree, but I don’t know. He seems pretty useless. He like told them a riddle and then bounced. Also, her brother is getting lessons from a knight who can be his new daddy because why use your Wolfie powers when you could swing a sword? Love interest man is a plant dad. Cat witch girl is learning magic from the priestesses because I shit you not they argued about whose magic was evil, and they essentially came to we can agree to disagree. They also tell you that this guy named Lord Death used to exist, but he’s gone and not a problem. He sounds like a standup guy, you know? Tamsin hallucinates unicorns. That’s it. Oh and also, I guess there was a priestess who probably died but they think she killed daddy Indiana Jones and took the ring from him. Maybe?
Somehow Tamsin decides to go after a flaming sword. I genuinely can’t tell you what happened here. I was so gone and done at this point, but like she goes and she gets injured so in full ACOTAR fashion, her love interest saves her life in a cave, and then they bang. Probably. So his betrayal is now imminent. Never have premarital sex in a YA if you don’t want him to betray you. (And also Tammy girl was a tarot card reader for her afterschool activity at the beginning of the book and her fortune was that someone would betray her, and like we’ll drop a lot of plot points, but we’re not gonna drop that one.)
Then they go after the dead priestess who is alive, but not alive. She’s some kind of ghostie. Maybe this is what the sword was for? Maybe they needed ye old silver Ghostbusters but who knows? So they like fight and she chops ghost girl’s hand with the ring off, and then she just leaves it there because she has forgotten the beginning of this book’s plot and frankly, I don’t blame her. So much has happened and yet absolutely nothing has happened and it’s been like 400 pages. So then they kill ghost girl, and they’re like oh my god, we did it, but then the love interest has stolen the ring. And they’re like oh my god, how are we gonna break the curse on the nightmare children and also probably my brother now? Well, nothing left to do but go home, so they go home and everyone’s murdered. And they’re like sad about it, but then they have a girl power moment and they’re like oh my god, at least we found each other. We’re like sisters. And then they’re like oh my god, because we’re sisters we should like probably try that ritual that we’ve been saying all book won’t work to break the curse because we need all our sorority sisters, and like half of them are murdered now, but it’s probably just the sisters you feel in your heart. So they like do the ritual and obviously it doesn’t work how they want it to because there’s still like 40 pages left in the book. They’re like hmm, ghost girl probably wasn’t evil because we found this piece of bone in a dead girl’s pocket and obviously the bone was sealing together a vase with ghost girl’s trapped memories. Like it’s definitely not her spank bank. It’s 100% just a horrible secret that someone would murder and frame her for. And obviously, she was protecting us when she was like actively murdering everybody, duh. So they’re like omg, who could the villain, the real villain ever be? And Lord Death enters and they’re still like no, not you. You’re just misunderstood. Apparently, Lorde has “corrupted “her brother and turned him to the Darkside because he was like lol do you want to use your werewolf powers instead of trying to get rid of them? And her brother was like oh my god, do I! And then the remaining heroes are like oh my god, we shouldn’t have used our sister powers to break the curse because when we broke the curse, it made Arthur-land drop directly on top of someplace in Britain and or Europe and or I don’t know geography. So they like look around at the destruction and they’re like eh, the EMTs can handle it, and they decide to go home to Boston where surprise Indiana Jones is not dead. The end.
Yeah, I don’t know. Everyone in this book was fundamentally unlikable. I didn’t know how old anyone was. I was simultaneously convinced that everyone was 40 and or 12. The dialogue is horrible. I’ve never heard people talk like that. It’s supposed to be romantic banter and I’m like did a robot write this? It’s a cat lady book and a plant lady book, and I feel like just immediately zero stars for those two things alone, but I know I am in the minority on Goodreads for being so firmly a dog person and a Threshold plastic plant lover. So I’m sure someone else loved the constant talk of cats.
Everyone in this book is stupid. They do stupid things constantly. I never understood why they cared about anything in this book. A lot of the reasoning behind the plot or the characters’ motivations was just because? There’s so much info dumping about absolutely nothing. Oh, Sam, it’s world-building. It’s not. I didn’t need it. They literally gave us a character called Lord Death, and then the characters are still trying to figure out who the villain is, and I’m like that one. That’s like a murder mystery where someone’s named murderer. And like it’s so long. This book is so long for no reason.
The one thing that this author did well was give you really pretty images of scenery, but like that’s it. Scenery does not a book make.
Skip this. Don’t read it. And if you’re desperate, I gave you a TLDR up top. You’re welcome.
Who should read this:
No one
People rabid for King Arthur
Urban fantasy fans
Do I want to reread this:
No
Similar books:
* Wings Once Cursed and Bound by Piper J. Drake-treasure hunting various immortal creatures, YA urban fantasy romance
* Blood Debts by Terry J. Benton-Walker-YA urban fantasy with an obvious villain whodunnit that the characters will take forever to solve
* Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross-if you want a romantic urban fantasy for the love of god read this one
* The Last Tale of the Flower Bride by Roshani Chokshi-urban fantasy, romance, obvious whodunnit
* Dance of Thieves by Mary E. Pearson-YA enemies to lovers fantasy romance
* The Witch and the Vampire by Francesca Flores-YA fantasy romance with bad world-building and magic system
* Bow Before the Elf Queen by J. M. Kearl-fantasy romance where the love interest betrays our main girlie
* A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas-fantasy romance where the love interest betrays our main girlie