How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical and Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, & Civil Servants

by David Rees, John Hodgman (Introduction)

A hilarious guide to the lost art of artisanal pencil sharpening

"...I am so thrilled David Rees is picking up the reins of the forgotten art of manual graphite-encased-in-wood point-crafting. I love my pencil!"
—AMY SEDARIS

"You may think that sharpening a pencil is easy, but David Rees makes it look hard, and that makes all the difference."
—JOHN HODGMAN

"Truly, my life before I was presented with correctly sharpened pencils by an artisan was a dull and ill-sharpened void. Learn from my mistakes."
—NEIL GAIMAN

Have you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil?

Deep in New York’s Hudson River Valley, craftsman David Rees—the world’s number one #2 pencil sharpener—still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening. In 2010, he began offering his artisanal service to the world, to the jubilation of artists, writers, draftsmen, and standardized test takers.

Now, Rees presents a book that is both a manifesto and a fully-illustrated walk-through of the many, many, many ways to sharpen a pencil. Including chapters on equipment, current practice, and modern technologies, it also points at new trends in sharpening, including "Celebrity Impression Pencil Sharpening (CIPS)," a warning about the “Psychological Risks Associated with Pencil Sharpening,” and a survey of "Wines that tastes like pencils."

As Rees "Sharpening pencils should be an activity that enriches the senses."

And if you think it’s a joke, why don’t you poke yourself with your newly sharpened pencil? Or better yet, don’t—because it’ll really hurt.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Comedy, Art, How To, Writing, Unfinished

224 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name. See this thread for more information.

David Thomas Rees is a cartoonist and humorist whose best-known work combines bland clip art with outrageous "trash talk" to incongruous effect.

Reviews

[Joey Alison Sayers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Considering I didn't even know that you could sharpen pencils (I had previously thrown them out when they were dull) this book was very helpful.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seriously, if you're gonna do anything, do it with verve, intention, and the appropriate amount of pageantry.

[Ed Erwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a thin line separating taking something too seriously and mocking such seriousness. It takes a very sharp pencil to draw that line. This author keeps his pencil very sharp indeed. Masterfully done.

Minus one star because I prefer mechanical pencils.

Update! Pencil sharpener enthusiasts should enjoy Whetting Engines by Landis Blair.

[Martha☀ · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't really find this humor book humorous. But now, as I begin to review, it suddenly sounds funny. The title does not lie. This is a book about how to sharpen pencils. Without any sarcasm, wit or puns, Rees goes through each painstaking step of sharpening pencils. He gives lists of equipment, safety precautions and detailed procedures for every type of pencil sharpening method ever considered. This is a glimpse into a compulsive mind and it is scary in there!

[Snotchocheez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really needed a palate-cleanser, and David Rees (penner of the long-running on-line strip Get Your War On) truly delivered with this How-To pencil sharpening guide. What's so great about it is you're never quite sure just how serious to take Rees: is he really that obsessed over pencils and the art of sharpening them? Well, yeah, he just might be! Step-by-step instructions replete with author photos demonstrate exactly how to get your point on: from the appropriate finger- and arm-stretching pre-sharpening techniques, to the appropriate gear (be it a simple single-blade sharpener or a full-bore double-cylindered wall mount hand crank), Rees has got you covered.

Electric sharpeners get short-shrift in this how-to, alas. As do mechanical pencils, obviously. But if you ever find the need to sharpen your #2 whilst standing under a waterfall, or entertain your cubicle-mates with Celebrity Pencil Sharpening impressions, this guide is invaluable!

[Ava]

HOW DO YOU WRITE OVER 200 PAGES OF PENCIL SHARPENING.

HOW.

[Ryan Chapman · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the smartest and funniest books to appear in recent memory, as brilliant a high-wire literary performance as any of the well-reviewed debut novels populating the Times Book Review. It's a testament to this book's originality that it escaped most review coverage, as How to Sharpen Pencils seems to operate completely outside of the publishing industry.

I kind of wish I were in grad school just so I could devote a month to studying the book. I'd pair it with another recent work, Mark Leyner's The Sugar Frosted Nutsack, for creating a new kind of structure for humor writing, one utterly current and fresh. Rees's conceit improbably holds up for most of the book, only to explode in the last chapter ("How to Sharpen Pencils With Your Mind") which simultaneously subverts and strengthens the entire endeavor.

[Taylor Fisher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I approached this book with a bit of trepidation due to being a mechanical pencil man. By the time I had gotten to the advice on mechanical pencils presented I was already convinced to pick up the classical wooden pencils of my youth.

[MaggyGray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Herrlich!
Für mich als absoluten Fan von Quatsch-Literatur eine köstliche kleine Flucht aus dem nervigen Alltag. Ich hatte ja keine Ahnung, wie pervers elektrische Spitzmaschinen sind, warum die fallengelassenen Rüschen bei Myladys Liebesspiel jedesmal zerbröselt sind, und wie man am besten einen kopflosen Reiter vermeidet.
Gleich nach dem Lesen habe ich meine Bleistiftsammlung hervorgekramt (jawoll, ich bin ein Fan von Bleistiften aller Art!!) und habe mich daran gemacht, sie zu spitzen. Besser kann man ein Wochenende nicht verbringen.
Danke, Herr Rees!

[Bryan Hall · Rating 3 out of 5]

A straight-faced look at how to sharpen pencils, using a variety of different sharpeners (the machines), as well as a good bit of the philosophy of a pencil sharpener (the person). Unfortunately, a little *too* straight-faced. I'm all for ironic examinations of pedestrian subjects that pretend that they are wildly interesting, but when they're not you have to throw in a few more jokes. The first half of this book is the serious technical writing that it pretends to be, and shows that Rees truly cares about this and isn't just making a quick hipster joke book...but because of that, it's pretty boring. He lightens the mood in places, just not nearly enough. By the time he runs out of actual pencil-sharpening material, he starts making it ridiculous for the second half of the book with celebrity impression pencil sharpening, trick sharpening (behind the back, etc.), and more, but it's too little, too late.

I came in expecting to like this, having seen Rees perform some of it on-stage with John Hodgman and Wyatt Cenac, but it just didn't work for me nearly enough.

[Marcus · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading How to Sharpen Pencils is like the moment after your first non-Great Clips hair cut, your first time behind the wheel of a BMW, the taste of real crab meat after having only eaten imitation, using a Mac after years of being stuck on Windows or when you discover that a couple cubes of ice will keep your cereal cold for the entire time you're eating it. What I mean by that is that this book is the breath of fresh air and the warm ray of light that you feel when You've Been Doing it Wrong and you've just discovered the Right Way. There is an art and craft to sharpening pencils and you've just stumbled upon the master who will teach it to you.

[Riley · Rating 3 out of 5]

"A man wearing a smock, after all, is a man who means business" (p. 12)

It was a good book and I enjoyed MOST of the humor! I found this book in a Little Library Box on the street. I thought the title was intriguing and funny because I never would have assumed this book would exist without finding it randomly.

I loved the pictures in the book as they were goofy. And I loved the whole concept of this book and how it evolves around sharpening the perfect pencils with different tools. I especially loved the Electric Pencil Sharpener chapter. (Chapter 13)

"...the vaunted "efficiency" of electric pencil sharpeners are overrated: They are worthless on a camping trip; a blackout instantly changes them into paperweights; they can hardly be counted on to work in a waterfall..." (p. 130)

I have rated this book 3 stars and it would have been 4 stars if it weren't for a couple of things that I didn't enjoy that much personally.

In this book there were jokes that I found were unneeded. Such as jokes that had sexual content in them. Some of them going as far as to be sexually graphic. And it was kind of cringe worthy. I will not quote them here because again, they were graphic and not everyone wants to hear that.

Another sentence made from John Hodgman in the Foreword at the start also rubbed me the wrong way.
"When I buy these products [artisanal products], I am not just consuming, I am supporting a philosophy and a community. I may not know each craftsperson personally, but I have faith that person is probably a well-educated, photogenic white person who probably doesn't care all that much about sports. FOR US, BY US, as they say." (p. 8)

I know this might be a joke but I personally can't laugh at that. Just something about putting together "white person" and "FOR US, BY US" I hate deeply.
Systematic Racism and White Supremacy is a major issue and included in that is white privilege.
And I find this sad because this just highlights how privileged white people are.
And how can I laugh at something that is harming and negatively impacting other races in everyday life.

You can think whatever you like, maybe I am overreacting but this is my review and my opinion.

If I had the option to buy this book instead and I didn't find it in a Little Library Box, I would not buy this book. Yes I love the humor but some of the humor is so bad, it hurts. And I am debating on even keeping this book.

To end this I will add one more quote. (:

"An effective coping mechanism for sharpening-related stress is to imagine oneself holding a 1910 Bavarian eight-bladed Luna Pencil Pointer in a field as the late afternoon sun caresses distant hay bales. Although these sharpeners now cost many hundreds of dollars, the cost of possessing one in your imagination is free..." (p. 155)

[February Four · Rating 5 out of 5]

Turn your brain off, and this is a fantastically written manual on how to sharpen pencils (with thoughts on mechanical pencils and electric sharpeners, as well as the pitfalls of being an artisanal pencil sharpener.)

Turn your brain on, and this is a fantastically written manual on how to sharpen pencils (with thoughts on mechanical pencils and electric sharpeners, as well as the pitfalls of being an artisanal pencil sharpener.)

Satire never had it so good. I LOVED IT.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Confession: I'm a pencil nerd. I can tell you the difference between a Faber Castell and a Dixon Ticonderoga; I can wax lyrical about the Blackwing 602 (Steinbeck's favorite); I adore my Musgrave, Tennessee Choo-Choo jumbo; and I will never let you get your mitts on my miniature rock collection pencil. Never. Get over it and go find your own. After reading this brilliantly funny book, it's clear to me that David Rees is a genius and spiritual guide (at least in the pencil department).

[Dorai]

There is a cheap, portable method of sharpening pencils that is also very effective and convenient. It uses two easily obtained tools: a small craft knife and a handheld sharpener. There is a clearly demarcated division of labor between the two. Use the knife to whittle away the wood. Use the handheld sharpener to bring the graphite to a point.

Do not use the knife to sharpen the graphite as most people won't have the time, patience, or skill to control this process. (Most pencil artists will have mastered this skill, but the general pencil-using community will find it frustrating.) Do not use the handheld sharpener to whittle the wood as it will blunt the sharpener's blade and shorten its life.

There is another method that is probably the cheapest and most portable, although not as convenient or safe. I used it as a teen in an unironically recycling culture and I am not sure I retain the skill. The method consisted in using double-edge safety razor shaving blades that were discarded by my dad. You have to hold the blade carefully so as not to cut yourself. The fact that it is a used blade may reduce the risk somewhat. Still, care is needed. Maybe I should try this method again for old time's sake, perhaps folding a thickish piece of paper around one side of the blade to protect my fingers.

These methods are not mentioned in the book. I realize the book's methods are humorously complicated and expensive ("no more than $1000"). The author has some YouTube videos effectively showcasing his dry humor. Translated into a longish printed book however, the same joke can try one's patience.

[James Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a point in a middle-class existence where one looks around at all of the chintzy mass-produced garbage which so thoroughly fills our life and wonders -- desperately -- if there can't be something just a bit more refined. Something just a bit more real.

And so we turn to good whisk[e]ys and wines. Or we turn to German sports cars that we can't really afford. Or we build a woodshop in the garage and slowly drive ourselves mad chasing the craftsmanship that our grandfathers were unable to pass on to us through our ill-gotten haze of wasted Saturdays filled with nothing more than pop-rocks and cartoons.

One place that I have turned to fill this hole in my life is well-made writing instruments. There is much joy and humanity to be found in placing the tip of a fountain pen to a good sheet of paper or in turning a perfectly-crafted wooden pencil in a fine German single-blade sharpener. And it's this experience which is the subject of this book which is at the same time a reference book, a how-to guide, and a meditative spiritual tract.

Because sharpening a pencil is not just about moving as quickly as possible from "a yellow stick" to "a thing one can mark paper with". It is about that, true. The functionality of a well-sharpened pencil is key. But it's also about the texture of the paint under your fingertips. It's also about the heft of the pencil in your hand. It's also about the smell of the freshly released cedar as you slowly remove everything that isn't a sharpened pencil.

Sharpening a pencil is a full-sense task. And, as such, it is a task that should be taken up with the utmost care lest you waste another moment on this planet without actually seeing any of it.

While instructional, this book is also very funny with charts and footnotes lightening the mood on almost every page. I was particularly impressed with Chapter 11, "A Few Words About Mechanical Pencils". While I ultimately disagree with Mr. Rees' assessment of those tools, he made his argument passionately and persuasively.

I think it's also important to note the design of the physical book as well. It is a classic work that leans strongly on Futura. Every chapter heading, every sub-heading stands out as something worth remarking upon. I normally read electronic books but in this case, I highly recommend purchasing a paperback to hold in your hand. It is a worthwhile exercise and experience.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am eternally grateful to David Rees for, dare I say, penciling this book. I am known as the sole mechanical pencil sharpener aficionado at my school. Students delight in the opportunity to hand crank their pencils sharp at my wall mounted sharpener. I am very proud to declare that when the PTO gave every teacher a brand new electric sharpener that I didn't even let it in the room. I donated it to the teacher work room.
The sledge hammer was a bit too harsh for my tastes. But the great news is that all the teachers know they can donate their dead electric sharpeners to me for my engineering students to demolish when they quit working. So all is well and relatively balanced in my pencil sharpening world.
David Rees - You make me think. You make me laugh. You make me wish that a few bits were a bit "cleaner" for my middle school classroom so I could put this book on my book shelf. I am emboldened to bring your book in for a teacher read aloud when I find the need to teach "how to write instructions." I'll avoid the naughty bits.

[Liza]

You know what I have absolutely no interest in learning about?

Sharpening pencils.

Yet somehow David Rees tricked me into reading his how-to manual on just that: sharpening pencils.

Fortunately this treatise only took a round-trip two-borough subway ride to complete, but I kept looking up every ten minutes exclaiming, "Surely this will be about something else than sharpening pencils." Nope. Yet I read the entire book. (Oh, and I didn't just ride the subway for 3 hours. That would be ridiculous. I did Important Things between trips.) Additionally, I kept giggling uncontrollably at the footnotes while eating a giant pretzel and wearing purple tights, so YOU'RE WELCOME, TOURISTS!

Damn you, Rees. You win this round.

[Tracey Baptiste · Rating 2 out of 5]

As soon as I read about this book, I pre-ordered it for my Nook. A few days later it was on my device, and I started reading. The premise is great, but there's only so far you can stretch a joke. By the middle of the book I was completely bored, which is why it took me so long to finish it. It became treadmill reading, so I only got a few pages in at the gym, and there were lots of days I didn't bother to read it, and watched t.v. instead. I'm glad I didn't buy it in physical form. If you're really interested, borrow it from the library. It's not a keeper.

[Domashita Romero · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you go into this book thinking, 'is this guy serious?' you will shortly have your question answered. He is very serious. This book contains very serious and real information about how to sharpen pencils. But it is also incredibly funny, and had me chuckling like a nerd on public transportation while I read it.

[Mladen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a serious book.

[Mateen Mahboubi · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is no exaggeration, this is a book with detailed instructions on how to sharpen pencils. While many sharpening implements/techniques are presented, what is not presented is a variety of pencils and that's okay (because we all know that mechanical pencils are an ungodly aberration). Rees is a comedian (of some note) and while all the efforts at comedy didn't hit for me, I truly appreciated the detail that was put into the instructions for each pencil sharpening method. Rees use to provide a service where you could send him a pencil and for a fee he would sharpen it and send it back so he has lots of experience (technically he still provides the service but the price is so high that I can only imagine that it is set so high to discourage all those but the foolishly rich of purchasing said service).

I (much like most people, I imagine) do not find many opportunities to use a standard issue pencil in my day-to-day life but this book did inspire me to start looking for more opportunities to write more by hand, mainly just to have the excuse to sharpen a pencil. I even made some silly searches to see if I should invest in some ridiculously priced sharpening implements so that I may one day be a sharpening master like Rees.

While the tone isn't at all serious in the book, it's obvious that this is something that Rees is passionate about and I appreciate that. Not that sharpening a pencil has much risk of becoming a lost art (I mean, it doesn't take this book to figure out how to use a standard metal single blade pencil sharpener), it's nice to slow down and consider some of the elements of our youth that are slowly disappearing and reflecting on whether or not we're better for the fast-paced alternatives.

[Melanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

By far the quirkiest book I have read all year. The opening chapters give literal step by step instructions on how to sharpen pencils and I was beginning to wonder how serious the author was about this. Then the rest of the chapters became completely ludicrous and I knew he was just a clever comedian.

[Amanda Witt · Rating 4 out of 5]

A humorous way of looking at what is normally a rather natural and mundane task, with tasks described in intricate detail

[shea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so hilarious. I laughed out loud a few times, and it definitely makes me want to sharpen a pencil.

[Aaron Arnold · Rating 3 out of 5]

David Rees' sadly retired Get Your War On remains to this day one of my favorite political comic strips, but after that ended he hasn't done much on that level. In fact, he's apparently been running an artisanal pencil-sharpening side business from his house in suburban New York, which he decided to leverage into this very treatise. I read an interview with him where he described it as "basically an emotional memoir disguised as a how-to manual hidden inside a 'humor' book", and that's actually somewhat accurate, since he has also gotten a divorce, an event that's occasionally, and somewhat jarringly, referred to in the book, which for the most part is exactly what the title promises.

The conceit holds up fairly well for the first two thirds. Rees strikes just the right kind of mostly-deadpan tone while he discusses, in stupefying detail, the materials, techniques, and best practices you would need to sharpen pencils to even the most exacting standards of craftsmanship. He mentions that he's a big fan of serious industrial manuals, and the parts where he discusses minutiae like how to get perfect scalloping patterns on collar bottoms are marvels of comedic voice. Only someone who had dedicated a truly non-trivial amount of time to something like obsessing over pencil points could write sentences like these:

"Remember: A pencil point enjoyed by the writer may not be suited for the draftsman; the ideal point for the standardized-test taker laboring in an over-lit classroom may not please the louche poet idling on a windswept peak. No point can serve all needs. The unsharpened pencil is, in contrast, an idealized form. Putting a point on a pencil - making it functional - is to lead it out of Plato's cave and into the noonday sun of utility. Of course, life outside a cave runs the risk of imperfection and frustration. But we must learn to live with these risks if we want enough oxygen to survive.

Let us now walk together into the sunlight."

The last third of the book, by contrast, feels like space-filling. There are too many items of "wacky" material like sidebars of "Common Names of American Schoolchildren", and even though it's difficult to argue that the final chapters are any less meaningless than the beginning ones, Rees loses the voice he had earlier. Fans of Jimi Hendrix will also object to a portion of the section on unconventional sharpening techniques. Still, as a guide to sharpening pencils, this is basically as comprehensive a book as you could ask for. Of course, you could skip reading the book and just send Rees $15 and a pencil to have the master do it for you himself, but seeing as how a brand new paperback copy currently costs less than $13, and a Kindle version costs only $9.99, that old adage about giving a man a sharpened pencil versus teaching him to sharpen his own has never been more apt. Luckily I picked this up at the library and didn't pay anything.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

About ten years ago, I thought I had reviewed the weirdly coolest title ever with Janne Ruokonen’s How To Read How-To and Self-Help Books: Getting Real Results from the Advice You Get. While Christian sex books and Badass: Birth of a Legend came close, this one tops the list. Not only can Mr. Rees sharpen the hell out of any pencil you give him, he can take a joke way beyond its natural limit. This is the best treatise on pencil sharpening (in a sea of none). It also proves that capitalism, however small a niche it occupies, can stretch credulity. You’ve probably not heard of Rees, perhaps best not known for the political comic strip Get Your War On, which appeared in alternative papers, and slightly more not known as a Huffington Post blogger. That Rees is serious about farce is clear. Even the author’s note is diabolically funny, in part reading, "I am left-handed, and this book is intended for left-handed people." Is it a joke, or does he get at the gooberish core of the craftsman when he notes, too much rotational torque during the sharpening process may gouge the graphite and leave a twisting 'ghost image’ of the sharpener blade? I’ve already alerted the Pulitzer committee.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Mia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was definitely amusing. Also informative, but . . . not any information I really was in need of. If you are not particularly interested in pencils and/or the sharpening thereof and are not, like I am, more than a little in love with David Rees, you therefore might not choose to read (or at least read all of) this book. While I remember loving what I'd heard during a reading/performance Rees did a year or so back, it's probably that a) it was my love of David Rees talking and/or b) by the time I got up to the "Celebrity Pencil Sharpening" chapter of the book, I was already less enthused and therefore did not find it nearly as amusing as I did live.

In any case, to sum up: If you don't have any interest whatsoever in pencils or the sharpening thereof, and if you don't have any romantic, intellectual or other interest in David Rees, you might want to seek your mild amusement elsewhere.

My crush on David Rees remains, however, and I still have if not high then medium hopes for his NatGeo TV show I have yet to see... I'm sure he will be charming as usual and my love for him will kindle anew.

[Nick Edkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a completely pointless and very stupid book. I loved it.

I was worried that this was just a funny idea for a book. With an artful photo shoot, a well-designed cover, and enough padding and celebrity endorsements, I thought, you could make a book out of this, but it might not be worth reading.

The line that convinced me otherwise was in a rundown of the equipment required for sharpening pencils, when he says, "It's not hard to come by a good pair of tweezers; I use the ones my wife left behind when she moved out".

The weird emotional truths revealed in these asides colour everything else in the book; it's less about how to sharpen pencils and more about the type of man who sharpens pencils as a calling.

[Andrew Kline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember seeing David Rees open for John Hodgeman, reading a chapter from this book, a couple years ago, but forgot about it until recently. It is amazing how much detail he is able to extract from the seemingly simple act of sharpening pencils; both entertaining and fascinating as an exercise in detailing every minute aspect of a mundane task. While the exercise seemed to stretch thin towards the end, I laughed much more than I expected to and thoroughly enjoyed the read. I would recommend it just to say you have read it, because I've never seen anything like it.