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224 pages, Hardcover
First published April 10, 2012
Scientists used to kill birds in order to study them, you know. They shot them down and stuffed them, and then they made their drawings and took their measurements. Modern scientists have been trying to study birds from life, like we are. It was Audobon who changed all that.
If I fancied myself a concerned scientist, and not just a hobby bird-watcher, there was no time like the present to take some responsibility and begin to act for change.
But if I snuck out every day and constantly risked being seen by other hotel guests and confused my own mind with constant lying, Hannah would be sure to find out what I was doing and whom I was doing it with. So I need to be more careful. I would need to wait awhile before seeing Isabella again.
My hands were kept busy unpacking boxes and arranging displays and handling money, my mind was always occupied helping customers and making change and tallying receipts, my quiet nature was stretched by the constant interactions with strangers and as I learned to navigate the unique relationship between employee and boss.
"There's so much waiting for me at home, Isabella. Eventually this summer will end and I'll have to go back. August twenty-sixth is branded in my memory like judgment day. There are decisions to be made, big decisions. See, the thing is I... I can't end up like my mother," I said, surprising myself with the sudden clarity of my desires. "I can't marry Teddy and have children and call that a life. The woodpeckers are happy with that, but I don't think I could be. I want to learn. And work. And see things, and do things, and be somebody."
I looked closely at my edges, my boundaries, the lightly elongated lines that set me apart from lake and sky and island and bird and boat. I looked closely, pretending that I knew nothing about the girl I saw, pretending that she was some beautiful creature whose borders contained something worth holding in—something unique and extraordinary, something worth saving. I looked closely, the way I’d taught myself to look at birds, the way I’d learned to look at Isabella, and I saw myself. Then those scissors were cutting after all, as I snipped out my own image, I ignored the small ripples of the water and traced the lines that separated me from the world, and the lines that fit me into that world like the piece of a puzzle.
Yes, my father was falling apart at home and my mother was trying to put him back together. Yes, the girl I loved was rehearsing with a band for an evening show in a dance hall that some people loved and many people loathed. Yes, the boy I was supposed to marry was eagerly awaiting my return home with a question on his lips. Yes, Mrs. Harrington and her daughter were back at the hotel wasting their lives tatting lace and lying about money. And yes, I was a part of it all. But I was also separate. I had my own life to live, and no one but me could live it
This is who you are, the lake said to me, speaking through my skin. Just like a dark bird against a clear sky, just like a sleek black loon against glimmering waves, I had a silhouette.
In that moment I knew that wanting was not the same as selfishness. Wanting was pure and right and beautiful. And the real me could not change shape to suit the needs of others--not even loved ones, not even family. I knew who I was. The rest could be worked out. I could find a way. If Miss Maple had done it, so could I.
Do we all change when we try to attract a lover? Do we all try to be more beautiful, or more bold, or more intelligent, or just more brilliantly ourselves?
"With you," she said, "I know who I am. Or at least, I know who I want to be."