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Forgiveness: The Healing Gift We Give Ourselves
Only one obstacle keeps us from forgiving others. It is the belief that we are not the one who receives the benefit of our forgiveness. Unconsciously, we associate forgiveness with loss instead of gain. We may think of it as acquiescence, giving in. Yet, who is the one who suffers? When our grievance grows to hatred, we become slaves of the very persons we hate. We are bound to them with chains that leave us no peace. None of us can afford to pay the price of carrying grudges or harboring bitterness, because of what it does to us. Cheryl Carson offers a fresh perspective, the result of her own intense struggle to learn how to forgive. She presents a new way of thinking, suggesting a way of perceiving others that can make forgiveness easy and, ultimately, make it unnecessary. If forgiveness is something we need to learn, we will continue to attract opportunities to practice it. But inner peace and happiness and true freedom are attainable once we have learned to let go, once we have learned to forgive.
- GenresSelf HelpLdsNonfiction
Paperback
Published August 12, 1997
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
January 29, 2009
I liked the concepts in this book and found good food for thought. I wish that she had better references to some of her quotes and resources, as there were things I would have liked to delve into deeper on my own. But, overall, the concepts showed me how far I still have to go on making true forgiveness part of who I am everyday.
April 2, 2008
This book is a wonderful book, a little tough to read as it hits home in many places, but I have read & re-read many pages of it. It has opened a whole new world of thinking for me.
It has helped me in my personal life, to forgive myself & to forgive others.
It has helped me in my personal life, to forgive myself & to forgive others.
February 20, 2017
This book was very helpful. I want to know better how to forgive others, we all probably would need to improve in some way or another. But what I find more difficult than that, is forgiving myself. I was really looking forward to reading that chapter and finally, half-way through the book, I did read about forgiving myself.
First it gave a quote out of Robert Furey's book Joy of Kindness "After you let go of hurt and resentment through forgiveness, the void is filled by such things as serenity, gratitude, self-respect (I need that!) and kindness. Forgiveness provides the spirit room to grow. As it grows, the spirit becomes stronger. The bitterness is replaced by warmth...Forgiveness does not take you back to the person you were before you were hurt. It takes you to a much higher plane"
Carson continues: "You may ask (and I do) 'But doesn't my continued remorse and internal suffering from wrongs I have committed prove how sorry I am?' Discouragement is one of Satan's best tools. Loving and forgiving starts with yourself. (I didn't know that) Self-acceptance will turn to self-love, and when you are filled with self-love, that is what you will have to give away. Forgiving our short-comings doesn't mean denying that they exist. On the contrary, it means facing them honestly, realistically."
"He who was thrust down delights in having us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. We should, of course, learn from our mistakes, but without reviewing the instant replays lest these become the game of life itself"--Neal A. Maxwell
Carson: "Failure is an event not a person. 'For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more' (Hebrews 8:12) When God declares he will remember our sins no more, He is inviting us to do the same. The Atonement has shown me that I am worth the Savior's precious life. How then can I refuse to accept His evaluation of me? To do so would be to declare myself a better judge of myself than He is!"
"Life moves in one direction only--and each day we are faced with an actual set of circumstances, not with what we might have done, but with what is, and with where we are now--and from this point we must proceed; not from where we were, not from where we wish we were--but from where we are now" That was an excellent chapter.
Toward the last three chapters of the book, I found answers to three different circumstances in my life right now. They were each unique so I could actually put a name to the ways and whys I needed to forgive.
Without mentioning names, the first person's situation was thus:
This book, at various times and in different places, has made me aware that though I, in various ways, asked his forgiveness, I really haven’t forgiven him. I apologized, I felt like the bigger person, but was I? I don’t think so because I now hold resentment against him, I judge him for not forgiving me, for not accepting my forgiving gestures. I still hold to that self-righteous superiority. I am the one with the greater sin. It needs to be that I don’t feel resentment anymore. I should feel only that I have done what I can, and it is his choice whether he will accept that and because the choice is his, I don’t need to think about it anymore, let alone judge him for it. That’s not my place. Right now I feel hurt and resentful, none of which are attributes of charity and forgiveness.
“When we are unable to forgive another, do we not consider ourselves the innocent victim, therefore believing ourselves to be morally superior to that person who has wronged us? In our self-righteousness, are we not saying that he does not deserve our forgiveness or our love? That we have the right to judge him as to whether or not he is worthy of our forgiveness? Do we believe that our forgiving him would be acquiescence, giving in, backing down, an admission that we were wrong? And do not all these attitudes reek with pride?” pg 131 “I had considered myself the innocent victim…Now I look back to ‘review the past’ with a clearer vision. I recall the harsh judgments I had formed, the anger in my heart. I had even told myself I was being Christlike…Now I see that I was merely feeling self-righteous, morally superior to them—another face of pride. Truly, I was being a hypocrite. pg 142
Second situation:
“selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affect me’ is the center of all that matters—“… 'Self-pity'. Isn’t this what we feel when we choose to take offense and feel hurt? Another face of pride is contention… 'only by pride cometh contention’. (Proverbs 13:10) …The proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings…defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (Not until just now did I realize that) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong” pgs 132-133
I still need to work on this, I think. I don’t really know. I thought I had forgiven him because I still love him more than anything, but more and more, our ‘contentions’ come to mind. I see that I judged and still judge him for his ways of thinking and acting. I judged then and now that he had a lot of pride. He did hold grudges (and told them all to other people about me) He always brought up the past things I have done to hurt him. He was always defensive but I do know that deep down, he did feel like a failure. He told me so once. We fought a whole lot and he never admitted he was in the wrong. It was me and him that were dwelling in self-pity. I was/am the one judging. So, I’m not sure really what to do about this. Now that it is past, I don’t feel any hate, or resentment, I don’t even feel self-pity. I still only feel love. I do think about those things but they haven’t changed how I love him. I believe I will always love him. So is there more I need to do? I guess stop thinking about the negative aspects of the past. Period.
Third situation:
I’m going to use this quote again as I think it also applies to my feelings. “When we are unable to forgive another, do we not consider ourselves the innocent victim, therefore believing ourselves to be morally superior to that person who has wronged us? In our self-righteousness, are we not saying that he does not deserve our forgiveness or our love? That we have the right to judge him as to whether or not he is worthy of our forgiveness?” ““I had considered myself the innocent victim…Now I look back to ‘review the past’ with a clearer vision. I recall the harsh judgments I had formed, the anger in my heart. I had even told myself I was being Christlike…Now I see that I was merely feeling self-righteous, morally superior to them—another face of pride.”
In the beginning, I thought I was helping him. I offered all that I could do to help him. And I was glad to do it. I thought I was being Christ-like, that he was put into my life for a reason--so I could help him. I also realize I had other motives---I liked him as in 'more than a friend', I wanted him to like me the same way, which he never did. As time went on, the resentment built. I was instead feeling used. I felt that he didn’t really appreciate everything I was doing. I did feel a bit of self-pity, and I really judged him for his self-pity in his own situation, for his not even acting like, or even asking, how I felt about me and my life. I thought he was self-centered. I thought his intentions in life were wrong and I judged him for that, too. I began and still do wonder why we ever met. He is now no longer in my life. I feel better than I did when he was still talking to me because I was feeling anger, resentment, and irritability—and judgment. But, I still need to forgive him. I don’t think he really knows he’s done anything wrong. I honestly believe that because he and I think so differently about life in general. The way he thinks is so contrary to everything I’ve ever been taught and everything I know to be true. I judge that I am superior to him. I hate the fact that he doesn’t share the same feelings for me. But that’s not his fault! Why do I feel this way? Because I need to forgive him.
As I expressed above, I really did learn a lot from this book. Now I need to apply it, and apply it every day, in every situation I find myself. This is going to be difficult but if someone wrote the book, someone expressed her situations and feelings plus resolve and finally acceptance and peace, I can, too.
First it gave a quote out of Robert Furey's book Joy of Kindness "After you let go of hurt and resentment through forgiveness, the void is filled by such things as serenity, gratitude, self-respect (I need that!) and kindness. Forgiveness provides the spirit room to grow. As it grows, the spirit becomes stronger. The bitterness is replaced by warmth...Forgiveness does not take you back to the person you were before you were hurt. It takes you to a much higher plane"
Carson continues: "You may ask (and I do) 'But doesn't my continued remorse and internal suffering from wrongs I have committed prove how sorry I am?' Discouragement is one of Satan's best tools. Loving and forgiving starts with yourself. (I didn't know that) Self-acceptance will turn to self-love, and when you are filled with self-love, that is what you will have to give away. Forgiving our short-comings doesn't mean denying that they exist. On the contrary, it means facing them honestly, realistically."
"He who was thrust down delights in having us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. We should, of course, learn from our mistakes, but without reviewing the instant replays lest these become the game of life itself"--Neal A. Maxwell
Carson: "Failure is an event not a person. 'For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more' (Hebrews 8:12) When God declares he will remember our sins no more, He is inviting us to do the same. The Atonement has shown me that I am worth the Savior's precious life. How then can I refuse to accept His evaluation of me? To do so would be to declare myself a better judge of myself than He is!"
"Life moves in one direction only--and each day we are faced with an actual set of circumstances, not with what we might have done, but with what is, and with where we are now--and from this point we must proceed; not from where we were, not from where we wish we were--but from where we are now" That was an excellent chapter.
Toward the last three chapters of the book, I found answers to three different circumstances in my life right now. They were each unique so I could actually put a name to the ways and whys I needed to forgive.
Without mentioning names, the first person's situation was thus:
This book, at various times and in different places, has made me aware that though I, in various ways, asked his forgiveness, I really haven’t forgiven him. I apologized, I felt like the bigger person, but was I? I don’t think so because I now hold resentment against him, I judge him for not forgiving me, for not accepting my forgiving gestures. I still hold to that self-righteous superiority. I am the one with the greater sin. It needs to be that I don’t feel resentment anymore. I should feel only that I have done what I can, and it is his choice whether he will accept that and because the choice is his, I don’t need to think about it anymore, let alone judge him for it. That’s not my place. Right now I feel hurt and resentful, none of which are attributes of charity and forgiveness.
“When we are unable to forgive another, do we not consider ourselves the innocent victim, therefore believing ourselves to be morally superior to that person who has wronged us? In our self-righteousness, are we not saying that he does not deserve our forgiveness or our love? That we have the right to judge him as to whether or not he is worthy of our forgiveness? Do we believe that our forgiving him would be acquiescence, giving in, backing down, an admission that we were wrong? And do not all these attitudes reek with pride?” pg 131 “I had considered myself the innocent victim…Now I look back to ‘review the past’ with a clearer vision. I recall the harsh judgments I had formed, the anger in my heart. I had even told myself I was being Christlike…Now I see that I was merely feeling self-righteous, morally superior to them—another face of pride. Truly, I was being a hypocrite. pg 142
Second situation:
“selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affect me’ is the center of all that matters—“… 'Self-pity'. Isn’t this what we feel when we choose to take offense and feel hurt? Another face of pride is contention… 'only by pride cometh contention’. (Proverbs 13:10) …The proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings…defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (Not until just now did I realize that) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong” pgs 132-133
I still need to work on this, I think. I don’t really know. I thought I had forgiven him because I still love him more than anything, but more and more, our ‘contentions’ come to mind. I see that I judged and still judge him for his ways of thinking and acting. I judged then and now that he had a lot of pride. He did hold grudges (and told them all to other people about me) He always brought up the past things I have done to hurt him. He was always defensive but I do know that deep down, he did feel like a failure. He told me so once. We fought a whole lot and he never admitted he was in the wrong. It was me and him that were dwelling in self-pity. I was/am the one judging. So, I’m not sure really what to do about this. Now that it is past, I don’t feel any hate, or resentment, I don’t even feel self-pity. I still only feel love. I do think about those things but they haven’t changed how I love him. I believe I will always love him. So is there more I need to do? I guess stop thinking about the negative aspects of the past. Period.
Third situation:
I’m going to use this quote again as I think it also applies to my feelings. “When we are unable to forgive another, do we not consider ourselves the innocent victim, therefore believing ourselves to be morally superior to that person who has wronged us? In our self-righteousness, are we not saying that he does not deserve our forgiveness or our love? That we have the right to judge him as to whether or not he is worthy of our forgiveness?” ““I had considered myself the innocent victim…Now I look back to ‘review the past’ with a clearer vision. I recall the harsh judgments I had formed, the anger in my heart. I had even told myself I was being Christlike…Now I see that I was merely feeling self-righteous, morally superior to them—another face of pride.”
In the beginning, I thought I was helping him. I offered all that I could do to help him. And I was glad to do it. I thought I was being Christ-like, that he was put into my life for a reason--so I could help him. I also realize I had other motives---I liked him as in 'more than a friend', I wanted him to like me the same way, which he never did. As time went on, the resentment built. I was instead feeling used. I felt that he didn’t really appreciate everything I was doing. I did feel a bit of self-pity, and I really judged him for his self-pity in his own situation, for his not even acting like, or even asking, how I felt about me and my life. I thought he was self-centered. I thought his intentions in life were wrong and I judged him for that, too. I began and still do wonder why we ever met. He is now no longer in my life. I feel better than I did when he was still talking to me because I was feeling anger, resentment, and irritability—and judgment. But, I still need to forgive him. I don’t think he really knows he’s done anything wrong. I honestly believe that because he and I think so differently about life in general. The way he thinks is so contrary to everything I’ve ever been taught and everything I know to be true. I judge that I am superior to him. I hate the fact that he doesn’t share the same feelings for me. But that’s not his fault! Why do I feel this way? Because I need to forgive him.
As I expressed above, I really did learn a lot from this book. Now I need to apply it, and apply it every day, in every situation I find myself. This is going to be difficult but if someone wrote the book, someone expressed her situations and feelings plus resolve and finally acceptance and peace, I can, too.
February 6, 2008
I really enjoyed this book. It gives a fresh perspective on how we should view our relationships with others and how to feel love towards those who may have hurt or offended you....and how to not take offense in the first place!!!
January 31, 2008
I found this book on Dani's book shelf years ago. This book has a powerful message --- I have shared it with many people!
June 7, 2021
My quibble is that the phrasing is not as precise as I would have liked. For those dealing with real, heavy, deep, soul wrenching forgiveness, this book has enough hidden barbs that catch in your craw that I almost gave up. However, the majority of the book is so incredibly good, I felt it overcame the phrasing that cropped up once in awhile-- some assumptions and maybe, just maybe, some unrecognized judgements--that caught my attention. So, yes, it is a very good book. No, it is not quite as good for those recovering from deep trauma. Yes, it can still help them a great deal. The principle is so essential that I must recommend it.
If you want deeper understanding of forgiveness, and steps to take along the way, and ways to tap into its unlimited power, then this book is for you.
Oh, one more thing: the format threw me when I started reading. It seems these are short talks given on a radio program? They steady out into the standard chapter format as the book goes along.
If you want deeper understanding of forgiveness, and steps to take along the way, and ways to tap into its unlimited power, then this book is for you.
Oh, one more thing: the format threw me when I started reading. It seems these are short talks given on a radio program? They steady out into the standard chapter format as the book goes along.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews