Why Me?

Dortmunder #5

by Donald E. Westlake

Be careful what you steal . . . A fast-paced crime caper from the Edgar Award–winning author and “funniest man in the world” ( The Washington Post Book World ).
 The Byzantine Fire is much more than a ninety-carat ruby. As a stone it’s worth over a million dollars, a value vastly increased by its pure gold band—but its history makes it priceless. A ring that has been fought for with sword and pen, and passed from nation to nation by all manner of theft and trickery, it finally made its way to the United States. The US has agreed to return it to Turkey, but it’s about to be stolen twice more. A gang of Greeks armed with Sten guns burst into the security room at JFK Airport and escape with the priceless stone, which they deposit in the safe at a small jeweler’s shop in Queens. A few hours later, unlucky thief John Dortmunder, expecting a routine robbery, steals it again. Much blood has been shed for this little ruby, and Dortmunder’s could be next.

Genres: Humor, Crime, Fiction, Mystery, Audiobook, Thriller, Mystery Thriller

236 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 4, 1983

About the author

Donald E. Westlake (1933-2008) was one of the most prolific and talented authors of American crime fiction. He began his career in the late 1950's, churning out novels for pulp houses—often writing as many as four novels a year under various pseudonyms such as Richard Stark—but soon began publishing under his own name. His most well-known characters were John Dortmunder, an unlucky thief, and Parker, a ruthless criminal. His writing earned him three Edgar Awards: the 1968 Best Novel award for God Save the Mark; the 1990 Best Short Story award for "Too Many Crooks"; and the 1991 Best Motion Picture Screenplay award for The Grifters. In addition, Westlake also earned a Grand Master Award from the Mystery Writers of America in 1993.

Westlake's cinematic prose and brisk dialogue made his novels attractive to Hollywood, and several motion pictures were made from his books, with stars such as Lee Marvin and Mel Gibson. Westlake wrote several screenplays himself, receiving an Academy Award nomination for his adaptation of The Grifters, Jim Thompson's noir classic.

Some of the pseudonyms he used include
•   Richard Stark
•   Timothy J. Culver
•   Tucker Coe
•   Curt Clark
•   J. Morgan Cunningham
•   Judson Jack Carmichael
•   D.E. Westlake
•   Donald I. Vestlejk
•   Don Westlake

Reviews

[Charles van Buren · Rating 5 out of 5]

The description of Dortmunder's first encounter with a telephone answering machine is absolutely hilarious particularly for those of us who are technology impaired. About the time I understood answering machines, call forwarding, etc., along came cell phones, texting and ....

In this one Dortmunder makes the biggest score of his career and doesn't even know it. Then, he wishes he never heard of that ruby. He is in way over his head with no way out. But Mr. Westlake finally relents and writes a believable out for him.

A great comic crime caper. One of Westlake's better Dortmunder novels.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why Me is the fifth book in this series. I’ve read the first three in order, but couldn’t easily get a copy of the fourth novel, Nobody’s Perfect. That’s too bad as some of the later book’s characteristics (e.g. Andy Kelp always letting himself in to John & May’s apartment) must have been established then.

This book has faint echoes of the first one. A large and important gem is stolen, there are nations involved, Tiny reappears, and Dortmunder is in the middle of it all. But the resemblance is only superficial. The story is actually another masterful piece of plotting and writing. Like the other books, there are very strong and colorful characters to act as foils to John and friends. Without them the books would be far less interesting. Think of John & co. as white rice: by itself almost tasteless. Now cook it with some strong seasoning and other things and it becomes a flavorful medley.

This book has plenty of spice: NYC cops, FBI agents, three or four teams of foreign nationals and all of them after the gem and the perpetrator. The police begin an intensive crackdown on the known criminal element. Thousands are pulled in for interrogative. They don’t solve the heist, but they do uncover evidence in a few hundred other cases. Dortmunder’s friends are all grabbed and eventually he is, too.

Things begin to look very bleak for the dour anti-hero. Eventually he decides that he must trust someone and that person is long time friend Andy Kelp (and May, of course). Not only is Kelp sympathetic he also has some newly acquired skills that help them evade capture while setting up a nifty “exit” for John. He manages to convince the top cop investigating the crime to go along with his “solution” and then changes things up with a final twist. Like many of his other jobs, he comes out with nothing much to show for all his hard work except his hide. But he has strengthened his friendship with Andy and is ready to try again.

I continue to be impressed by how different each of these books is. The plots are unique; the antagonists are unique and even the gang show different facets at times. I know that the books were spaced out 2-3-4 years apart and maybe that was because Mr. Westlake wanted to interleave other books (definitely wouldn’t want Parker to go cold). Or maybe it just took that long for the next good idea to evolve. I don’t care and I suspect most readers would not either. This was another quick read and a bit darker than the first three novels. Four (4) well-deserved Stars.

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

Over the past few years, I have been reading Westllake's comic Dortmunder novels not in any particular order. Dortmunder is a professional thief who along with his crew tend to foul up most every job they pull. In this one, Dortmunder working alone decides to burglarize a local jewelry store late one night because the owner left a sign on the door saying he would be out of town. Sounds like an invitation to Dortmunder! But shortly after Dortmunder gains entrance to the store, the owner shows up with some other dubious people and places something in the store's safe. Luckily they don't turn on the lights and Dortmunder goes unnoticed. When they leave, Dortmunder has no trouble getting into the safe and pockets everything looking valuable. Among the items is a ring with a large red stone that Dortmunder thinks is fake but takes it anyway to have it looked at by a fence. Turns out the stone is a priceless ruby called the Byzantine Fire which was stolen on its way to being delivered to Turkish representatives. This theft leaves Dortmunder the target of the FBI, the police, and several Turkish, Greek and other terrorist groups who feel the stone is rightfully their's. The theft also causes the harassment of the local underworld by the cops so they too are after whoever took the stone to put an end to their problems with the police. So how will Dortmunder get out of this one?

Another very enjoyable outing from Westlake. This one was full of the usual humor in the series and Dortmunder's first encounter with a phone answering machine is hilarious. This one was published in 1983 and of course is quite dated with the latest thing in phone services playing a big role in the story—answering machines, call forwarding, etc. I'll be looking forward to reading the ones in the series I have missed.

[Robert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Its a smaller tale than those that preceded it, with no real set pieces and an odd stylistic alteration - namely, whereas in previous installments Dortmunder viewed his associate Andy as a jinx consistently through four volumes, now there is casual talk of a 'Dortmunder curse' - a deviation that inexplicably alters both the nature and the character of our lead.

[Jeff P · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read, but excellent as always. Even when working alone, things go wrong for Dortmunder.

[Jeannine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the Dortmunder series. They never disappoint.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pure delight -- had me laughing out loud in that Westlake Dortmunder way. Splendid entertainment, fast and funny.

[Jackie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not the best in the series and not the worst. If you like Dortmunder, and why wouldn't you, it's worth reading.
I really liked that Andy stuck by him despite all the criminals searching for him along with the cops! .
Some of the funniest parts were the one clueless FBI man and the interaction among the international spies, all busy bugging each other.

[Jeff Garlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

fantastic

The best story. The best writing. I loved it. I've ben told by Good reads that I need to write six more words in order to post. I went over

[Tim Schneider · Rating 5 out of 5]

We're back with the fifth Dortmunder novel...and, to my mind, the best one so far. I had enjoyed the previous four (though I thought Jimmy the Kid was kind of weak). But this one was what I was really hoping for when I started the series. They were all solid caper stories with intricate plots. No, none of the characters were super deep, but we got a flavor of their personalities. But they just weren't as funny as I felt I'd been led to believe. They were humorous and would lead to a smile and a chuckle now and then. This book...this one was funny. The first page with Dortmunder encountering Kelp's telephone answering machine (probably any answering machine) for the first time had me laughing out loud. And it kept it up through a lot of the book.

Dortmunder makes the score of his life, though he doesn't know it until about a quarter of the way through the book. And, in typical Dortmunder fashion, it leads to nothing but trouble. It seems like his luck has changed. He spies a small jewelry store that's closed for vacation. Super easy alarm. Easy lock. Easy safe. He even avoids the owner when he shows up in the middle of the boost. Unfortunately in that easy safe is a priceless ring that had also just been stolen. Now Dortmunder has the entire NYPD, the FBI, several terrorist organizations and, ultimately, most of the New York underworld looking for the person who boosted the Byzantine Fire. It doesn't look like even Dortmunder can plan his way out of this one.

Just a super fun and funny book.

[Christopher Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

This takes the Dortmunder books back to their start, not in terms of story or timing, but in terms of feel and humor. The first book The Hot Rock was clever and hilarious, but following books focused more on the concept than the humor that arose from the characters and events. Why Me gets back to that original concept and it really works.

In this book, Dortmunder is working alone, and manages to steal a vastly valuable ring that has deep cultural significance to many around the world. Many who will kill to get it. The ending is a bit quick, but the book is very entertaining and particularly the police characters are very well crafted.

This is, sadly, a nearly-forgotten series of books that should make a comeback.

[Fianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although these are very Very 80s novels and of course have their issues, I gotta knock off points for the excessive use of slurs and racial stereotypes because we set a precedent with it not being a thing for the last FOUR BOOKS. What changed, Westlake?

[Luca Rotondo · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars..For now the best Dortmunder in the series!

[lärm · Rating 4 out of 5]

A carefully worked out plot with no loose ends, plenty of laught out loud moments and it's all being served with the occasional political incorrectness that feels so liberating nowadays.

[Carla]

Funny as usual with Westlake….the thief has to figure out how to return what he stole. Westlake never wastes a sentence.

[Sharla · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dortmunder has his hands full in this one and the biggest challenge he faces is returning stolen merchandise. Things get complicated when he unwittingly walks into a Byzantine Fire of a mess. How was he to know that hunk of red rock was a priceless ruby everyone and his brother wants to lay their hands on?

I didn't enjoy some of the attitudes and language from Officer Mologna (pronounced Maloney) but then it's exactly what you would expect from that particular character. These characters will do what they will do. He does get his comeuppance in the end.

Overall it's pretty good but not my favorite.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Upon finishing the Parker series, I began Dortmunder with a sense of desperate skepticism, and I have been pleasantly surprised. I was underwhelmed by Dortmunder #1 (The Hot Rock), but Dortmunder #2 (Bank Shot) was good enough to keep me going. Dortmunder #3 (Jimmy the Kid) was genius, which made mediocre Dortmunder #4 (Nobody’s Perfect) even more disappointing. Fortunately, Dortmunder #5 (Why Me?) is pretty great. The relationship between Dortmunder and his sidekick Andy Kelp deepens, which points to the remarkable strength of the series: Dortmunder’s sad-sack character develops a surprising gravitas, despite his status as a perpetual punch line. At first I was uncertain whether the Dortmunder novels should be read at all. Now I think they should be read in order.

[Spiros · Rating 5 out of 5]

The hapless Dortmunder inadvertantly pulls off the biggest heist of his career, stealing the world's most valuable ruby from the safe of a podunk Long Island jeweler. Unfortunately, not only does he not realize what he's stolen: he soon has to face the wrath of the FBI, the NYPD (led by Chief Inspector Francis X. Mologna, pronounced "Maloney"), every criminal in the Five Boroughs, and the combined forces of half a dozen international terrorist organizations. Even more perilously, he has unwittingly irritated Tiny Bulcher. Against such overwhelming forces, he can only count on the steadfast support of his long-suffering lady friend, May, and on the always dubious assistance of the occasionally brilliant, and often erratic, Andy Kelp. All in all, he's in quite a pickle.

[Brooks Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another hilarious installment in the Dortmunder series, in which he accidentally makes off with the biggest heist of his career: the Byzantine Fire, a huge ruby in the process of being returned to Turkey. Because the disappearance of this international treasure causes the cops in New York to suspect anyone who's ever been involved in theft, petty or otherwise, the criminal community vows to find the perp and turn him in. Of course, John Dortmunder gets caught in the middle of the mess but finds his way out again, with the unlikely assistance of one Andy Kelp. Filled with Westlake's trademark wit and delightful descriptions of a wide range of characters. Perfect for fans of the series.

[AndrewP · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dortmunder accidentally makes the biggest score of his career, then his only problem is getting rid of the loot.

This book was almost all about Dortmunder and Andy Kelp. Most of the other regular characters only make a bit appearance. There are some new interesting characters in the police department and FBI who add a lot of humor to the story.

Pretty good although I missed Stan Murch's driving talents in this one. If your a fan of the series you will like it but It would not be a good place to start if you are new to the Dortmunder books. They are all pretty much stand alone, but this is not one of the better ones. Start with the the first one 'The Hot Rock'.

[Mohammed Abdikhader Firdhiye · Rating 3 out of 5]

Westlake is a comic crime master and he had such a good comic timing in this book. Its hard for me to laugh while reading a book but he made me laugh several times.

It was a very funny read but i didnt like the lack of heist planning, work in this book. Usually in Dortmunder books when the heist starts to go wrong that is the highlight. This time he jumped over heist part of the story to tell what happens afterwards.

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really funny book, with great characters and great character names, from the hero, John Dortmunder, to the Italian cop who passes as Irish, Officer Malogna (pr. Maloney), to the yes man, Bob Freedly. Really fun to read.

[Alfonso D'agostino · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ormai Dortmunder lo prescrivo come antidoto a quelle giornate in cui nulla sembra andare diritto e in cui hai la necessità fortissima di evadere dentro le pagine di un libro, sfogliare e non pensare (troppo). Si fa una gran fatica a recuperarli e tocca affidarsi ai mercatini o ai siti di remainders, ma la soddisfazione umorale che ne consegue è quasi impagabile.

In Dortmunder scherza col fuoco il nostro amatissimo protagonista, ideatore di piani criminali di ampio respiro e altrettanto enorme sfortuna, si prende una pausa e decide di dedicarsi a un colpo di quelli facilifacilifacili, una semplice rapina in una gioielleria chiusa per ferie (e quanta ironia sull’evidenza del cartello in vetrina…). Sorprendentemente va più o meno tutto bene, salvo che – per un complesso evento diplomatico – nella cassaforte della gioielleria è conservato anche il Fuoco Bizantino, ambitissimo anello con rubino che ha già causato più di un incidente internazionale in quanto rivendicato da una mezza dozzina di paesi e organizzazioni diverse.

Naturalmente il povero Dortmunder è assolutamente inconsapevole di quanto sottratto, e mentre in una meravigliosamente tratteggiata New York si scatena una gigantesca caccia all’uomo, al nostro eroe non resta altra possibilità che ideare un modo per restituire il maltolto salvando la pelle e la (semi-pulita) fedina penale.

“Lettura che più leggera non si può, ma infinitamente divertente” l’ho già scritto in un’altra occasione dortmundiana e lo ribadisco, con il condimento ulteriore di una serie di dialoghi perfetti, una trama in cui alla fine tutto si incastra e una descrizione degli ambiente criminali ed etnici newyorkesi che non sarà politicamente corretta ma che regala una luce intensissima alla Grande Mela.

[Jon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed these comic-caper Dortmunder novels over 30 years ago, and I'd certainly forgotten the plot of this one. Here practically the entire population of New York City, every small time crook, every mafioso, every FBI agent, and every NYC cop is looking for the poor schmuck who inadvertently stole an internationally famous ruby. Enter Dortmunder. How he manages to keep his identity secret, evade capture, and get rid of the gem is truly astonishing, but it helps that the novel was written before mobile phones were much more than an engineer's dream. In spite of all the bad guys present, the real villain of this piece is the blow-hard chief of police, Francis X. Mologna (pronounced Maloney). I laughed out loud at that one. At one point two mysterious dark cars full of men in black follow him home, box him in, the men first threaten him and his family, and then force him to take $20,000 in cash, with a promise of $60,000 more after he has done their dirty work. The next morning he promptly turns the money over to the FBI, deeply offended that anyone might think that the top cop of the great city of New York would even consider accepting bribes. From strangers.

[Book Concierge · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is book # 5 in the Dortmunder series, featuring a “professional “ burglar with a gang of inept misfits. In this episode, John’s friend Andy is unavailable to help him with a small job so John goes it alone. Unfortunately, while he’s in the jewelry store, the owner shows up with a couple of suspicious characters. John stays hidden and still manages to open the safe and get some loot after the owner and his associates leave. But without being aware, it seems that John has stumbled into an affair of international importance. Now, how to get the cops, Turks, Armenians, Mafia, and whoever else wants the goods off John’s back?

I love this series. Dortmunder is a pretty good guy – for a thief. He does have his standards and his crew of accomplices is laughably inept. Except for his lady companion – May. What a woman! Unflappable, loyal, assertive … she is not to be messed with and she doesn’t take any guff from anyone.

The books were written (and set in) a time without home computers and cell phones. So, Andy Kelp’s efforts to interest John in extension phones, an answering machine and call forwarding are charmingly old fashioned to today’s reader.

[Sherman Langford · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clever premise here, and an entertaining read.

Here we have Dortmunder breaking into a random jewelry shop where that very night an invaluable ring (the Byzantine Fire) had been deposited in the safe after having been heisted from government officials who were transporting iit for delivery back to Turkey.

The law enforcement and criminal underworld are both pulling out all the stops to find the ring, Dorty is oblivious to what he has. He tries to fence it a couple of times, but in both cases the cops arrest the guy he was going to fence it to just before he can offload it (in one case he hides in a closet at the fencers place while the fencer is apprehended). He has the ring on his finger (it’s stuck there) while he’s brought into the station for his routine questioning.

The NY criminal set are furious at whoever stole it because it has brought down a police dragnet on them like never before. Once he realizes he has it, he goes into hiding with Kelp, and they work out a scheme to have it returned without them getting arrested or found out by the bad guys.

They end up breaking back in to the jewelry shop and putting it back in the safe in an obscur little box, and using the media to break the story that it’s been there the whole time.

Lots of smiles and chuckles throughout. A couple of FBI knuckleheads doing everything “like an FBI man” trying to track things down, pitted against the local police head who running the dragnet. This is a genuinely amusing novel, just solid diversionary reading 👍👍

[Janice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have reread Westlake's series of books with Dortmunder in them many, many times. Always an enjoyable read. Great characters and plots. Dortmunder succeeds while at the same time failing. He accidently ends up with a priceless Ruby ring when he burgles a jewelry store (where the owner has put out a sign stating he is on vacation for 2 weeks). The ring was in transit to Turkey as a gift from the American people, but when it disappears everyone has a theory as to why and how. The pressure is on the police to find it soon, as the Turkish government is hinting the burglary is a ruse to keep the ring and not give it to them. The police are rousting all the criminals in the city, with so much heat on them, the criminals also start looking for the thief and the ring to get the heat off of them. All these searches are hampered by all the ethnic spy groups in the city also trying to find the ring and the thief for their own purposes.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's no such thing as a bad Dortmunder book - they are all funny, but this might be one of the lesser ones. Still very entertaining. Dortmunder robs a jewelry store that is closed for vacation (with a conspicuous sign stating that.) He cleans out the safe, including a ruby that is so big it might be fake. But he decided to take it anyway. This will come back to haunt him, as the ruby was being held at the jewelry store, and it turns out there are several countries, as well as the NYPD and the FBI trying to find it once it goes missing. The heat is on, and it's so hot that the criminal element is trying to track down the thief and turn him in so they can get back to their normal lives. How is Dortmunder going to get out of this mess? He will find a way, but the ruby will not be a source of profit. I had some trouble keeping the side characters straight in my mind, which isn't usually the case with this series.

[EuroHackie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. Although amusing, this is Not Great. It's Dortmunder against the world, and to be in this position, Dortmunder basically has to be the biggest idiot on the planet. The preceding four books prove that he's not an idiot, but he certainly acts like it in this book. Very disappointing.

The humor basically comes from the pissing match between the FBI and the NYPD; unfortunately it's laced with a lot of racist and homophobic remarks/stereotypes. That's not the only thing that dates this book, either; Kelp's sudden obsession with telephones and ghosting landlines is fantastical enough, but also completely alien in the year of our Lord 2K19.

I think you can give this book a miss and nothing of value would be lost for a series reader.

[RJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Dortmunder, an experienced thief, finds more than he bargained for. The 90-carat Byzantine Fire Ruby was one of the most valuable rubies in the world. Worth a quarter of a million dollars, the setting of pure gold, surrounded by blue and white sapphires doubled the price. The history of the ruby made it priceless. The jeweled ring was being transferred when it was stolen and moved to a local jewelry store. By coincidence, Dortmunder robbed this store, not knowing what he had. The story continues with the city-wide clamp-down to find the jewel and all the repercussions behind it. Westlake has used several narrators. I’ve listened to later episodes of Dortmunder, liking the narrator, William Dufris much better. Other than that, the story was very good.