Kissing Outside the Lines: A True Story of Love and Race and Happily Ever After

by Diane Farr

Diane Farr——Numb3rs star, Loveline veteran, and FunnyorDie.com contributor——always took for granted that she could love anybody she chose. But when she, a white woman, fell in love with a Korean-American man, she quickly learned a tough lesson: When it comes to navigating the landscape of interracial love in America today . . . you’re going to step on some landmines.

At turns introspective and outrageous, Kissing Outside the Lines is Farr’s unapologetic—often hilarious—look at the complexities of interracial/ethnic/religious/what-have-you love, told through the lens of her own experience of dating, marrying, and creating a family with someone from a race and culture different from her own. Along the way, she exposes the many ways in which prejudice rears its ugly head—whether subtly or overtly—when you dare to love “outside the lines,” and she shares the stories of other multiracial couples from different corners of the U.S. who have made a similar leap.

Kissing Outside the Lines tackles love, family, and prejudice head-on. With sharp wit and deft humor, Farr confronts the fears and reservations that come with loving outside of one’s race, and she emerges with a powerful message: Love is love and family is family.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography Memoir, Biography, Family, American, Marriage

290 pages, Paperback

First published May 17, 2011

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name. See this thread for more information.

Diane Farr is an American actress and writer. She is known for her role as FBI agent Megan Reeves in the CBS television series NUMB3RS.

Reviews

[Dayna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I will start by admitting that I did not read this book in its entirety, but I did get about two-thirds of the way through it before I couldn't take anymore. The author of this memoir is one of the most whiny, judgmental, and self-centered people I have ever read about. I wanted to reach through the pages of the book and shake her and tell her that the world does not revolve around her and her needs!

The book is written by a white woman who falls in love with a Korean man. Everything in their relationship is seemingly perfect, EXCEPT the fact that her fiancée's family does not like her because she's white and not Korean. Ok, wait actually, her fiancée's EXTENDED family doesn't like her because she's white and not Korean. Oh, actually just some of her fiancée's aunts don't like her because she's white and not Korean. That's right, the fiancée's parents, sister, and cousins all have no issue with her. She spends the whole book whining about some bitchy, stuck-up old women in her husband's extended family who probably would have been bitchy and stuck up whether they were Korean or not, so to me it really had nothing to do with race.

Diane Farr, I'm white and I don't find you particularly likable. Based on what I read in your book, I do find you selfish, condescending, judgmental and overly dramatic! A friend asked if it was possible that I feel this way because I know you are an actress, an understandable question. However, I don't believe your choice in profession had any influence on me as I have no prejudice against actors. I had never heard of you or seen any of the shows you said you were on, and so came to this book with no preconceived notions as to what you would be like. Now that I have read your memoir (or enough of it anyway) I think you're annoying.

[Randee · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a subject of special interest to me. Unfortunately, Diane Farr is an actress of a certain "type". She is overly dramatic and makes mountains out of molehills. Very off-putting at times. I am actually drawn to high energy people that are not so self involved and do not blow everything out of proportion. My preference, however, are for B type personalities like myself who takes things in stride, are good in emergencies, and live their life strongly but quietly. This is a book about interracial couples and the problems they encounter. Diane interviews some couples that have had some genuine challenges with friends and family accepting them. When Diane met her future Korean husband, she was on a dance floor and used her hands to make slant eyes to signal that she meant for him to come dance with her. She was 30 something when she did this. Old enough to have better manners. I found this so vulgar, crude and distasteful that I can't say it didn't set the tone for the entire book afterward. She rambles on and on and on about how worried she was to marry an Asian. This is why she interviewed other couples, so 'she would know what she was getting into.' This struck an odd chord with me. When I fell deeply in love, I wanted to shout from the rooftops; I would have moved heaven and earth for any real or perceived issue from the world at large, all that mattered to me was being with him. Isn't this how falling in love feels? Who goes around interviewing people to get an idea of what they might have to face? Diane Farr obviously. The irony is that the only discord she experienced was a couple of his aunts and uncles made her feel like they disapproved and did not come to their wedding. The parents, siblings, cousins, friends, etc. were all on board and had no objections. Like I said above, mountains out of molehills. The author is a bit too immature for me to give this more than two stars. She's very lucky in my opinion.

[Thien-Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without realizing it (and thanks to my husband's choice of tv shows), I sort of followed Diane Farr's television career. First with the drama Rescue Me and then the procedural Numb3rs. There were even a few episodes of Loveline waaay back in the day. Mostly I watched those shows because my husband did and I just happened to be in the same room. (Both Rescue Me and Numb3rs are great shows, by the way)

Imagine my excitement when I learned about her book Kissing Outside the Lines. Diane Farr (who is Caucasian) fell in love with Seung (pronounced "Sing"), a Korean American man, and have three adorable children together. I tweeted Diane about her book and she actually responded! I don't usually tweet to celebrities but I was about her story. I'm about halfway through the book and highly recommend it. Her book focuses on her experiences with her in-laws as well as interviews with other interracial couples. It's funny but also thoughtful and insightful.

Read the rest of the interview here: http://www.imnotthenanny.com/2012/11/...

[Tony de la Paz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am Asian (Filipino), and my wife, who is not Asian, bought this for my birthday last summer. I finally got to read it a few weeks ago and found it more enjoyable than expected. Her stories of Korean and other family cultures were spot on. Also, her experiences from a non-Asian point of view are very similar to what my wife has observed or encountered over the years. Although the book is funny, it is also thought provoking with respect to racism today. This is a perfect beach/pool read.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, may I ask what the hell is happening on this cover? I do not understand it at all. It is awful.

Second, I received this book as a wedding present since I, a white woman, married a Chinese American man.

While I originally saw my husband as "Asian," he no longer represents anything vaguely "foreign" to me. He is simply just a dude. So we got married in a civil ceremony, no big deal. It was good. But. But now I am thinking that I missed something here, and need to take a step back (or forward?).

With this book, I guess I thought it would contain more facts, or read like a thesis on cultural differences between white Americans and Asian Americans and the difficulties a person can face given the cultural barriers between those two races. Instead, this is Farr's personal account of her relationship with her Korean American husband. Which is a bit lighter, candid, kinda "fluffy" in a way. But. But it made me realize how important it is to consider culture when you consider that you are starting a family through marriage. And it provided some context on how some older Asian Americans (like my husband's parents) may feel about watching their culture dissolve before them. Culture is such a fleeting thing then, I guess, and yet that connection really is vital since it establishes an identity (even if it is shallow). Honestly, I was wrong to ignore it. So, bring on the qipao, I guess I'll have a Chinese ceremony. With German pancakes. Thanks, book!

[library lola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Diane Farr’s recounting of the prejudice she faced when dating, becoming engaged to and then marrying a Korean man is funny, witty, intelligent and fascinating. First of all the author is a great writer being both incredibly funny and intelligently philosophical through out this book. You like her immediately as a person and as a writer. But maybe even more importantly, her brutal honesty about her own shortcomings, those of her family, her acquaintances and people everywhere leads to a truly insightful and honest look at the changing (but maybe not changing quickly enough) attitudes about mixed-race unions.

This book is an excellent read. I would have given it 5 stars but for a few factors. First, there is a lot of information that is given in respect to the family history’s of those she spoke to that is not only a bit unnecessary, but slows the story to almost at halt at points. This is not a deal breaker on the greatness of the book, but does start to numb the mind a bit in short spurts.

Mostly I took great exception to one particular passage in the book. While Diane is fervently and passionately championing a society where we no longer see race, color, religion, etc. she makes one very unfair and uncharacteristically generalizing comment which I felt was not only inaccurate, but also unfair. Diane tells of one friend whose mother, Kusum, went to meet the mother of her son’s fiancé. The couple was of a different race and religion from each other. When the topic of religion is brought up and an uncomfortable dialog follows Diane writes, “…maybe Kusum’s heavy heart caused her to dismiss the fact that devout followers of any faith rarely read material published outside their safety zone or converse with people leading a secular life”.

Oh, Diane…boo! In the midst of a book which champions tolerance, understanding and not making blind, sweeping judgments about any group you chose to write a line aimed directly at devout members of ANY faith? I am a life-long and very devout member of my faith. I attend LDS church every single week and then, during the week, may have lunch with any one of my Atheist, Jewish, Catholic and Agnostic friends. I regularly study other faiths’ beliefs and literature and teach my children about them as I feel is my obligation as a mother raising children to accept ALL people, no matter how different they may seem. Last Christmas after we told the tale of Christ’s birth straight from the Bible our entire family sat down and played with a dreidel while I told my kids about the Jewish faith and the traditions of Chanukah.

You undermined the very soul of your book with that misguided statement.

[Kendra · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I first read Diane Farr’s piece in Modern Love, which ended with the bio indicating she had just published Kissing Outside the Lines, I believe I ordered the book from BN.com in four seconds flat. I needed to read it. There were other cardholding members out there! Besides just my sister-in-law and I! American white girls who wouldn’t let go of their Korean men!

Given my vested interest in the subject matter, I have a mammoth bias in reviewing her book. In fact, I am so deeply committed to exposing the truth about smooching outside those invisible yet indelible lines that I am probably the worst person to review this book. Because Farr’s book was billed as funny. And reading about another of my countrywomen getting the silent treatment from her beloved’s auntie? Is the opposite of funny to me. It ties my stomach in Boy Scout-strength knots.

The content of this book is about 50% of what I would call intuitainment. That is, super amusing writing infused with a lot of intuition and cultural awareness. Farr is a good writer. And a good thinker. Her voice is consistent, even though she ranges from incredulous to earnest to hysterical to so dagnab clever. She really bares the condition of her mind and heart throughout the book.

The investigative nature of the book is a bit lacking, however. Farr essentially interviews a motley assembly of interracial couples in the interest of serving her own curiosity about What It Takes to Make It in this country as an interracial couple. She tells each couple’s story in a way that is very conversational and rife with imagery. However, there are many instances in each story where the reader wonders, Really? You’re just going to drag those in-laws’ reps through the mud and not even allow them to comment on their side of how things all went down when they became estranged from their daughter for marrying the Latino dude? I found this a major shortcoming of the book, even though Farr indicates that this was intentional.

This book is an important one. It rehashed of a lot of troubling aspects about the culture into which I married, but it also sheds light on a lot of the troubling aspects of American culture that are keeping us from entering that quasi-mythical land of post-racism. I respect the body of work Farr has produced and I hope many more people will read it and discuss it and be nicer to women in hanboks on their wedding day.

[Patty · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's a thing that happens in NYC – maybe other places too, I don't know – where now and then you'll come across a cardboard box left on the sidewalk. The box will be full of old books or other items (used toys, VCR tapes, CDs) that the owner no longer wants but also didn't want to put in the trash, and so has left them out in the hope that someone will see them and take them away.

Now, the books that get abandoned like this have an tendency to fall into two categories: ancient Harlequins with fuchsia covers, and textbooks about computer programming languages that were outdated in 2003. Which is to say books no one wants even when they're totally free and right there. But very rarely you do find something that looks worth reading, and this is how I ended up with a copy of Kissing Outside the Lines.

Diane Farr (who apparently is a fairly well-known actress? I dunno, I've never heard of her) is a white woman who fell in love with, married, and has children with a Korean dude. This book is mostly about that, though Farr also interviews a few other interracial couples and includes summaries of their stories as well. There's no new insights here – it's very much Racism 101 – but Farr's writing is fluffy and entertaining enough to keep from being boring. The whole thing reads like a long magazine article, right down to the way each chapter heading included a pull-quote from later in the book, as though they expected the readers to be flipping through this in the checkout aisle and needed to be encouraged to keep reading. A cute enough read, if a copy falls in your path.

[Otoki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would have given this book five stars if it hadn't constantly had crap thrown in there about how much she wanted to/did make out with her husband. I just don't like kiss and tell stuff in that vein.

Otherwise, this book was excellent, and I think she hit on a really important point: you can't say you have nothing against people from certain backgrounds if you're not cool with your child dating/marrying one of them. The stories of families shunning people because of their own racism was heart-breaking and infuriating, but I think it's a reality that we need to face and not flinch away from because it's unpleasant. I think Farr was right in considering herself lucky in terms of the amount of acceptance she DID get from both families, and the interviews were poignant. I really hope she does a book interviewing children who grew up in such mixed households. It would be interesting to read the stories of others who grew up in multi-cultural households, as I did.

[Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was given to me because it is about an interracial marriage. I do not know of the author, and am not familiar with her TV shows. Nor did I know about her marriage.

This may be a typical situation with marrying into first-generation Asian families, perhaps all first-generation families of any culture. She had many hurdles to overcome, but she also did a lot to win over her in-laws. I think she did way more than most people would bother with. She certainly did a lot of research into various interracial marriages, both those of her friends, but also strangers.

I think it would be a good read if you are thinking about marrying a first- or second-generation person, especially if the parents aren't for the marriage. But I'm not sure if you would learn anything from reading it, either. It may just help you clarify whether such a marriage is in your cards.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating read to me for a number of reasons. The white female / Asian male relationship is far less common than the white male / Asian female relationship which I currently have, so to compare and see similarities was quite insightful; in addition, hearing the white perspective on white/Asian relationships from a female perspective also provided some food for thought. Though Farr and Chung move in social circles far above anything I could ever aspire to, it is comforting to see that even wealth, fame, and status do not easily overcome the unique problems and quirks of interracial relationships. Though Farr is not particularly eloquent or technically precise in her prose, it is very readable.

[Alexandra’s · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really interesting memoir about race, culture, and love. The main theme of the book was about getting your spouse's parents to approve of your intercultural relationship and how to navigate that tricky road. It features stories about all kinds of fellow intercultural couples and their experiences, which makes it a great resource. There were lots of similarities for me between traditional Korean culture and my own husbands Indian culture.
The book ended with their wedding and pregnancy, but as we all know - that's just the beginning! I would definitely read a sequel if she ever came out with it.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow. Diane Farr thinks highly of herself and her relationship. Started out okay but it's too braggy and i couldn't keep reading.

[Geillis Shadow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Diane Farr is definitely great at showing off her sense of humor and having been in an interracial relationship myself, I can certainly relate to her story. I think this is a great read for anyone.

[RaeAnn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't love it but didn't want to stop reading either.

[Given Tanri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Farr is courageous and honest to shine light on interracial (and interfaith) relationships, triangulating her own relationship/marriage dynamics with a second-generation Korean-American man. For an Asian American like me, the family dynamics are familiar, so the only new insights for me are how they would be perceived by a white woman with initially little awareness.

But the book under-delivers on its premise. Even when I try to judge based on the 2011 standards of race conversations, the story is filled with fluff on party, drinking, and sex. Overall, I expected a more mature reflection on her own stories and her interviews, or more importantly, an unfiltered voice (e.g. what did Seung actually think of all these?) The wealth of interracial wisdom is diluted by uncritical self-absorption.

It might be a cute story, but the lack of sociological and psychological substance makes this memoir like a meeting that could’ve been an email. Some parts feel dramatized.

Still, I adore Farr’s honest efforts. Not everyone is built to fight the fights she had to go through.

Read it to kill time, not to research deeply.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although I had no idea who she was, I was pulled in as the author offered a personal experience that was not commonplace. Unfortunately it was immediately clear that no matter how interesting her experience, there was absolutely no chance she was going to say anything insightful or thought provoking. You cannot pretend to be smart, clever, or still twenty years old forever.

[Yune · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being Korean myself, I would've been curious about any tale of intermarriage between an American and Korean, but what clinched this for me was that the author is frank, funny, and surprisingly thoughtful about what minority races may want and face in this country.

This is mostly her personal story of romance overcoming cultural barriers (which in her case weren't near as significant as they could have been -- but I was still won over by details of how she integrated a Korean wedding ceremony and such), but she intersperses it with interviews with other interracial couples she's known. There's a general emphasis on parental acceptance, from misguided edicts about races eligible for dating to cases of outright non-communication for years on end.

In the end, I can't say that I walked away with any particular insight. But I was happy to learn about cases where things did work out and reassured that some people will indeed respect the integration of other cultures into their family lives.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a very easygoing and funny narration, even though some of the subject matter is definitely controversial. I think as soon as you bring up race, religion, ethnicity, etc. people everywhere will have their own opinions on the matter. I think that this author does a great job of telling her personal story, and letting the reader know that this is not a universal experience, this is simply what happened to her. I particularly enjoyed the stories about other couples that were mixed in. I always enjoy learning about other people (whether it be their beliefs, their lifestyles, their traditions, etc.), I just find people to be very interesting. The author has a great voice for storytelling and really makes you feel like you know these people she talks with about their collective struggles with the issue of mixed race relationships and families. All in all, I did like the book and it kept me interested in what would happen next - a very easy to read with enough thought provoking moments/conversations to keep things interesting.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book very much for it's honesty and pluck in exploring cross racial love. What about the parents? What about your mixed-raced babies? Farr tackles these questions from her perspective in a funny and self-deprecating tone, rather than a sociological one. She admits that she did not include the stories of the relationships that didn't work out, and in that I think she is presenting then an incomplete picture. She is also noticably missing same-sex couples, though she states she did interview them. Finally, by biggest complaint is that her story is of upper class people. These people all have money and priviledge, despite their racial background. I think when you mix money and class the picture is very different layered upon cross-racial relationships. In any case, I still thoroughly enjoyed myself and could not put the book down. Ah, the grip of wedding planning stories...

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the story of how Diane and Seung's relationship evolved from when they had first met at the wedding of a mutual friend. This book spoke to me because Diane was honest about her experiences and how she felt about entering a family in which the culture was different from her own. I also enjoyed how Diane spoke to other couples that were in interracial relationships, relaying how her own experiences either mirrored or differed from theirs. One thing I didn't like was that I didn't get a chance to read too much about how Diane's life turned out after her marriage, and how she adapted to being in a Korean family. Possibly a sequel is in the works? Let's hope so because I would definitely love to hear more about Diana's adventures!

[Sheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't say enough wonderful things about this book. I just loved it! Part memoir, part look at interracial relationships in America,this book is fascinating, funny and heartwarming. Diane Farr has a wonderful narrative voice. I was completely drawn in by not only her story but also by the other couples she writes about.

I also loved that she included photographs at the end of the book. I was reading the Kindle version and so did not know they were there until the very end. It was a very pleasant addition to the book as it was wonderful to be able to put faces to names and also to see pictures of some of the experiences she wrote about.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I used to read voraciously when I was young and now that I've transitioned into the adult world... finding books that resonate with me and not just my wild imagination is hard to do. This book did just that and made me laugh, cry, get angry, and cheer for these amazing men and women who have fought the good fight for love.

I was able to really sink into this book as a white woman about to marry a Korean man and it was a quick and engaging read. I had only one complaint... the Epilogue got a bit wordy in the middle but is worth pushing through because the closing left me beaming!

[Seul · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is an interesting book from a famous actress that at times talks too much about kissing her future husband.
There were a few good stories about interracial couples but at one point I was more interested in her relationship than the others.
Being a bi-racial child this book brought up a lot of memories and encouraged me to have a deep talk with myself about the topics covered in this book. Since no matter who I marry, I will be marrying outside of my ethnicity. So this book bought up a lot of good things, I hope Diane Farr will write another book about this.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recommended reading if you are or ever have been in a bi-racial, multi-ethnic or otherwise controversial relationship, or if you are sympathetic to those who are. The author nicely combines her own experiences and perspectives with those of many other couples, though the book is limiting because as the author says, all perspectives given are from people in cosmopolitan settings in the upper-middle class.

[Elisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book! I laughed out loud, cried a little and smiled a lot. Diane Farr is an excellent writer who made her story relateable and engaging. I would highly recommend this book to anyone that is in or is a result of a multiracial relationship or just interested in race relations in general. As someone who is all 3 of those, I really appreciated seeing words put to so many feelings and experiences that are often hard to explain. I look forward to reading more of her books in the future!

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was curious about this book as there are mixed race marriages in my family, one successful and another not so much. I admittedly picked it up because Diane Farr is also a friend. I knew she was an actor, most recently on Private Practice. She writes just like she talks and I found the book witty, self-deprecating, and engaging on a serious topic. A reviewer called it therapy with laughter and that hits the mark.

[Laurel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a fascinating glimpse into interracial relationships and marriages. While slow at times, the brutally honest and often hilarious examination of these complex relationships was fascinating to me. I enjoyed the stories of the couples Farr interviewed far more than her own (often self-indulgent) descriptions of her own relationship. Great read for anyone in an interracial relationship or who has an interest in developing their cultural competencies.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far, so hilarious. Takes on dating outside of your race/culture with brutal honesty that ends up being both funny and really sad at the same time. Hopefully the book stays this good!

And the book stays good! It's a really cute story of dating someone from a different culture, any different culture, and how comedically awkward and bad and interesting it can be. Really a good fun read.

[Danie P. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Engaging read about a "white" american Diane Farr (actress)who dates and marries an American Korean man and how she tries to understand his family's culture. Her voice is extremely funny and real throughout the book and its amazing how she tried to keep true to herself while also respecting her husband's family.