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To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?: Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers
How do you breed contempt?
Have a baby.
Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .
I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.
Unapologetic.
Unplugged.
Unswaddled.
Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.
Have a baby.
Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .
I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.
Unapologetic.
Unplugged.
Unswaddled.
Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.
112 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 10, 2012
4 people are currently reading
45 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
September 13, 2019
What a delightful read! I loved every poem in this book! What sass! What crass! What utter hilarity. Suzanne Weber has cleverly captured the perception of a baby and toddler as it goes about life. The paranoia, worries, love, and adoration of the parents becomes twisted in the baby’s hands. The truth gets revealed through Weber’s poems and the reader is left a giggling mess. It’s hard to find hilarious poems nowadays, and Weber’s ability to weave the issues of parenthood from the perspective of a baby who’s had enough is just impressive. She manages to bring up so many topics, and even challenge certain parental behaviours in a comedic manner. . I highly highly recommend this book to anyone. It’s such a hilarious read and a great pick me up. It is understood and relatable to all even though parents are the main targets here.
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©thescientificdetective2019
What did you think? Leave a comment!
©thescientificdetective2019
August 3, 2012
I am loving this book. I'm only partway through because I'm saving it for times when I need a quick bit of stress relief, and because I don't want to use it up too fast.
It really is very clever stuff that all parents will appreciate.
Check out these videos by stars reading some of the poems:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGO9dZ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiG-O...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmaEVc...
It really is very clever stuff that all parents will appreciate.
Check out these videos by stars reading some of the poems:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGO9dZ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiG-O...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmaEVc...
October 16, 2017
Another quick read. Bought purely for the title really. I love the title.
Off to Half Price it'll go.
Off to Half Price it'll go.
June 1, 2012
Side splittingly funny. Caustic and hilarious.
The actual cover has a small illustration of an infant with a bib that says " I'm already bitter"
OMG! That says it all.
With poems titled: " have you thought this through?" ,
"Nipple confusion" and " More Fiber in My Diet"
(which has nothing to do with real food btw)
you will just uncontrollably snort any hidden snot out of your nose.
Your eyes will tear up!
(It's will be like a gag reflex,)
My ABSoLUte favorite is "To what miserable wretches have I been born?"
it's all about what kids can do to make us even more obsessed and crazy!
And how we let them!
If you have kids, had kids want to have kids,
Read this and weep with laughter.
And a lot of sarcasm!
The actual cover has a small illustration of an infant with a bib that says " I'm already bitter"
OMG! That says it all.
With poems titled: " have you thought this through?" ,
"Nipple confusion" and " More Fiber in My Diet"
(which has nothing to do with real food btw)
you will just uncontrollably snort any hidden snot out of your nose.
Your eyes will tear up!
(It's will be like a gag reflex,)
My ABSoLUte favorite is "To what miserable wretches have I been born?"
it's all about what kids can do to make us even more obsessed and crazy!
And how we let them!
If you have kids, had kids want to have kids,
Read this and weep with laughter.
And a lot of sarcasm!
August 11, 2018
Hilarious and So true!
After raising 4 to adult hood, and then starting the journey again with 4 more, this book reminded me of everything I have to go through. Thanks for the laughs!
After raising 4 to adult hood, and then starting the journey again with 4 more, this book reminded me of everything I have to go through. Thanks for the laughs!
April 8, 2013
THE CONDITIONS OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
It's one thing to name the love between us as "unconditional,"
it's another to put that into practice.
I believe that you love me no matter what the conditions,
but you must admit that, under some conditions,
you love me just a little bit less.
I can tell when you're annoyed at me.
You don't hide it very well.
Even if you bite your tongue,
mask your frustration,
take ten deep cleansing breaths,
I'm still aware of your anger.
Your milk tastes mad.
I don't take it personally.
I know how great I am.
You're just in a mood.
It'll pass.
Once you have a nap.
YOU CRY IT OUT, BITCHES
What is going on?
Everything was fine.
You were nursing me,
cuddling me,
picking me up
when I cried
in the middle
of the night.
But now?
Nothing.
Oh, sorry.
I guess it's not NOTHING.
You do come in and pat my back
WHILE I'M SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT,
and say, "There, there."
for TWO MINUTES
and then you're gone.
Well I've got news for you...
Thats not comforting, that's just ANNOYING.
Oh, I know what this is about!
You're reading that asshole Ferber again, aren't you?
You're trying to get me to self-soothe
You're shirking your responsibilities
as MY PARENTS.
You're cutting the cord.
AGAIN.
Richard Ferber is a fucking crazy person.
But you listen to him!!
You adhere to his teachings.
You don't sway from his advice.
You may as well be scientologists
I'm telling you...
the guy is NUTS!
Who would tell a parent NOT to pick up their crying baby?
You don't know
the extent
of my emotional distress.
I can't speak.
I can't tell you what's going on.
I can't articulate the nuances of my emotional journey.
I CAN cry.
Loudly.
For a long time.
That's all I got.
Sure, I'll fall asleep eventually.
And you'll get a good night's sleep
TONIGHT.
I, however, will wear the emotional scars
from this little exercise
in ruthlessness
FOREVER.
But, y'know..
if you're okay with that.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE
Whoa.
What the hell is going on here?
Who is this man
and why are you handing me to him
with a huge smile on your face?
It's been my impression thus far
that you're alert to the threat
of nefarious strangers
who might threaten my well-being.
So it seems more than a little odd
that you'd walk up to this man-
this man dressed
in a bright red
polyester
suit
with
a fake beard
and rheumy eyes-
and hand him your BABY.
And TAKE PHOTOS
to preserve
the memory
of this event.
This is not for me.
I do not cherish this moment.
In fact,
in the future
I will only
be able to recall
the experience
when I see
the photograph of myself
red-faced and screaming
on the lap of a man
dressed as a buffoon
who stares expressionless
into the middle distance.
I'M NOT OKAY
When I bonk myself really, really hard
on the edge of the coffee table...
When I fall down 'cause I'm just learning to walk
and I'm still not that steady on my feet...
When I slip off the swing 'cause you were checking
your iPhone and not watching me as carefully
as you should have...
Guess what?
That shit hurts!!
You've got to know it does.
"You're okay! You're okay!"?
Do you honestly think you're gonna trick me into thinking
I didn't just get an enormous goose egg
on my forehead?
Or that my knee isn't gonna bleed like a motherfucker?
Or that bruise on my elbow is just a smudge of dirt?
When was the last time YOU smacked a vulnerable part
of your anatomy against a hard, unforgiving object?
It HURT, right?
Now imagine everyone around you just dismissing your
pain with an idle wave of the hand
and a pat on the head
And an "Oh, you're okay."
And, even though you actually felt the lump raising on your
head and in your throat, you had to smile gamely through
your discomfort, because you could see that everyone was
just so INVESTED in your not crying and making a fuss?
If you understand a fraction of what I'm trying to tell you,
then you understand that "okay" is exactly what I am not.
However...
I wouldn't say no to a lollipop.
YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME
You know that moment in a thriller
When the hero enters the serial killer's lair
And it's a shrine of snapshots of the next victim?
The walls are covered in pictures.
There's usually a scrapbook...
Our home is starting to look like a serial killer lives here
And the next target of his (or her) fixation is me.
This makes me uncomfortable, to say the least.
Over-documentation is the earmark of an obsession
taken too far,
One that can only end very, very badly.
iCONFESS
iHave
to
say
that
sometimes
iLove
your
iPhone
more
than
iLove
you.
iSorry.
It's one thing to name the love between us as "unconditional,"
it's another to put that into practice.
I believe that you love me no matter what the conditions,
but you must admit that, under some conditions,
you love me just a little bit less.
I can tell when you're annoyed at me.
You don't hide it very well.
Even if you bite your tongue,
mask your frustration,
take ten deep cleansing breaths,
I'm still aware of your anger.
Your milk tastes mad.
I don't take it personally.
I know how great I am.
You're just in a mood.
It'll pass.
Once you have a nap.
YOU CRY IT OUT, BITCHES
What is going on?
Everything was fine.
You were nursing me,
cuddling me,
picking me up
when I cried
in the middle
of the night.
But now?
Nothing.
Oh, sorry.
I guess it's not NOTHING.
You do come in and pat my back
WHILE I'M SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT,
and say, "There, there."
for TWO MINUTES
and then you're gone.
Well I've got news for you...
Thats not comforting, that's just ANNOYING.
Oh, I know what this is about!
You're reading that asshole Ferber again, aren't you?
You're trying to get me to self-soothe
You're shirking your responsibilities
as MY PARENTS.
You're cutting the cord.
AGAIN.
Richard Ferber is a fucking crazy person.
But you listen to him!!
You adhere to his teachings.
You don't sway from his advice.
You may as well be scientologists
I'm telling you...
the guy is NUTS!
Who would tell a parent NOT to pick up their crying baby?
You don't know
the extent
of my emotional distress.
I can't speak.
I can't tell you what's going on.
I can't articulate the nuances of my emotional journey.
I CAN cry.
Loudly.
For a long time.
That's all I got.
Sure, I'll fall asleep eventually.
And you'll get a good night's sleep
TONIGHT.
I, however, will wear the emotional scars
from this little exercise
in ruthlessness
FOREVER.
But, y'know..
if you're okay with that.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE
Whoa.
What the hell is going on here?
Who is this man
and why are you handing me to him
with a huge smile on your face?
It's been my impression thus far
that you're alert to the threat
of nefarious strangers
who might threaten my well-being.
So it seems more than a little odd
that you'd walk up to this man-
this man dressed
in a bright red
polyester
suit
with
a fake beard
and rheumy eyes-
and hand him your BABY.
And TAKE PHOTOS
to preserve
the memory
of this event.
This is not for me.
I do not cherish this moment.
In fact,
in the future
I will only
be able to recall
the experience
when I see
the photograph of myself
red-faced and screaming
on the lap of a man
dressed as a buffoon
who stares expressionless
into the middle distance.
I'M NOT OKAY
When I bonk myself really, really hard
on the edge of the coffee table...
When I fall down 'cause I'm just learning to walk
and I'm still not that steady on my feet...
When I slip off the swing 'cause you were checking
your iPhone and not watching me as carefully
as you should have...
Guess what?
That shit hurts!!
You've got to know it does.
"You're okay! You're okay!"?
Do you honestly think you're gonna trick me into thinking
I didn't just get an enormous goose egg
on my forehead?
Or that my knee isn't gonna bleed like a motherfucker?
Or that bruise on my elbow is just a smudge of dirt?
When was the last time YOU smacked a vulnerable part
of your anatomy against a hard, unforgiving object?
It HURT, right?
Now imagine everyone around you just dismissing your
pain with an idle wave of the hand
and a pat on the head
And an "Oh, you're okay."
And, even though you actually felt the lump raising on your
head and in your throat, you had to smile gamely through
your discomfort, because you could see that everyone was
just so INVESTED in your not crying and making a fuss?
If you understand a fraction of what I'm trying to tell you,
then you understand that "okay" is exactly what I am not.
However...
I wouldn't say no to a lollipop.
YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME
You know that moment in a thriller
When the hero enters the serial killer's lair
And it's a shrine of snapshots of the next victim?
The walls are covered in pictures.
There's usually a scrapbook...
Our home is starting to look like a serial killer lives here
And the next target of his (or her) fixation is me.
This makes me uncomfortable, to say the least.
Over-documentation is the earmark of an obsession
taken too far,
One that can only end very, very badly.
iCONFESS
iHave
to
say
that
sometimes
iLove
your
iPhone
more
than
iLove
you.
iSorry.
January 12, 2012
Suzanne Weber provides a snarky voice to the baby who can't communicate except through shrieks and grunts. Humorously, the baby waxes poetic on the amount of money her mother and father are spending on strollers, car seats, carriers, and nursery items. She laments how much she doesn't care about any of it. All she wants is a heated bum wipe. My personal favorite is "Where Are My Hands?" I laughed out loud at many of the poems. They were clever and snarky.
One word of warning, however. There are A LOT of "F" bombs. It was somewhat distracting. The frustration is evident without all the cussing. The point is that babies have much to communicate and want to articulate frustration of their miserable wretches called "Mothers."
If your baby could talk, here is what she would say.
One word of warning, however. There are A LOT of "F" bombs. It was somewhat distracting. The frustration is evident without all the cussing. The point is that babies have much to communicate and want to articulate frustration of their miserable wretches called "Mothers."
If your baby could talk, here is what she would say.
August 12, 2013
This little tome started out being fun and somewhat hilarious. Poems about babies suddenly wondering where their hands went as they're swaddled and deciding they'll just go to sleep because there's nothing else to do are great. The poems are silly and entertaining...and then, something strange happens. Rather strident messages become apparent. The author seems to believe that mothers are inherently better than fathers, and that vaccines are bad and to give your child one means you have a "red-state" attitude. Started to get a bit too strange and disturbing. Don't even get me started on faking it when it comes to burping.
May 31, 2015
This was required out loud bedtime reading for my wife and I as we were expecting our first baby, and one that provoked many a laugh and a smile as we drifted off to sleep.
The poem-by-poem quality varied quite a bit and, I felt, tailed off toward the end, but some of them, such as the Santa Claus-themed "I've Never Seen This Man Before in My Life" or the grandparent-themed "Tata & Gampy" were pure genius in my view.
The language employed is a little salty, and the cultural references are all decidedly North American, but apart from that I can't why any prospective or current parent wouldn't get a guffaw out of this slender volume.
The poem-by-poem quality varied quite a bit and, I felt, tailed off toward the end, but some of them, such as the Santa Claus-themed "I've Never Seen This Man Before in My Life" or the grandparent-themed "Tata & Gampy" were pure genius in my view.
The language employed is a little salty, and the cultural references are all decidedly North American, but apart from that I can't why any prospective or current parent wouldn't get a guffaw out of this slender volume.
May 7, 2012
I was excited to read this book; however, the best part of the book is quoted on the back cover. I'm no prude; I'm not sure babies have quite the cursing vocabulary that Suzanne Weber would have us believe.
There are humorous moments and items (aspirators) with which I have to agree completely. The baby has it right.
Meanwhile, my mother is irreverent and worked as a preschool teacher then preschool director. I think she's more the audience Ms. Weber had in mind.
There are humorous moments and items (aspirators) with which I have to agree completely. The baby has it right.
Meanwhile, my mother is irreverent and worked as a preschool teacher then preschool director. I think she's more the audience Ms. Weber had in mind.
October 17, 2012
If it were possible to give it 5+ stars, I would! I love this book and am so happy my mommy recommended it to me. To heck with "what to expect, the first year" or any other parenting books. This would be the book that I would hand a new mother - because sometimes you just really need a dose of humor. I swear I could hear my daughter in these poems. This is a must-read for all parents, especially parents of babies and toddlers!
May 5, 2013
I love this book! As a mom, I related in a way that was almost painful. If you appreciate dry humor laced with the odd expletive, written in a baby`s voice, this is for you. And if you just appreciate good humor period, you need to read this book. In the clever poems, a baby waxes poetic about such indignities as visiting Santa, having to wear PJ`s in the afternoon and being forced to burp. The vengeful tone puts one in mind of Stewie from Family Guy. It is absolutely brilliant.
April 26, 2012
A book of poems by baby/todder to its parents. Absolutely tears-running-down-my-legs hilarious! Found it perusing B&N for a new-baby gift for friend. Laughed uproariously all by myself. Read the whole dang thing. THE perfect mom's day gift or new mom gift, but only for the right someone (irreverent sense of humor and delight in the "f" word). Go read this!!!!!!!!!
July 5, 2012
Very quick read - I read in about 15 minutes, including the time it took to read aloud the ones I really enjoyed. Poetry written from a baby's point of view, this book was very funny. Might not be as enjoyable to someone who doesn't have kids, but I liked it.
September 3, 2016
Suzanne Weber's revenge poetry tugs on the heartstrings with one hand and goes for the jugular with the other. So entertaining--and complicated, just like babies.
October 23, 2012
There were a couple of really funny poems, especially the one where the narrator lists different types of cries and one of them is "no more Dan Zanes." More like 2.5 stars.
May 23, 2012
Absolutely hilarious. I can just imagine my twins saying all of these things. Of course, I wouldn't have understood the majority of it before becoming a mom.
May 30, 2012
Wasn't really my kind of poetry book...
June 11, 2012
Hilarious! You know it's good when your husband is walking around the house reading the poems aloud to you! What your bitter baby may say if they could talk!
August 1, 2012
Hilarious. Every poem made me laugh.
September 2, 2016
This book is so funny. If you have kids you understand what the author is talking about.
June 3, 2013
This book is clever and beautiful.
January 12, 2013
Snarky babies! Who knew? A fun read, and the title (which is also the title of one of the poems) is hilarious.
January 7, 2013
I smiled and sometimes chuckled at most of these poems. Then I read "iConfess" and screamed with laughter. A+++ would LOL again.
May 5, 2013
Written with sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek humor from the point of view of babies/toddlers, this book will make you laugh out loud.
December 2, 2014
A few poems in here were funny. The rest were just...meh.
December 5, 2015
I've been experimenting with poetry books lately, and this one wasn't really my style but it doesn't mean it's bad. I just wasn't relating to it personally, but I think this is great for parents.
December 8, 2016
I now longer have a tiny little one but this is just perfect.
A lot of parents can see their infants thinking these funny poems.
A lot of parents can see their infants thinking these funny poems.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews