If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?! by Cynthia Heimel

by Cynthia Heimel

If You Cant Live Without Me, Why Arent You Dead Yet? [Paperback] Heimel, Cynthia

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Essays, Relationships, Memoir, Biography, Feminism

Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Cynthia Heimel was a feminist humorist writer, a columnist, a playwright and television writer.

Reviews

[Nicola Mostyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely adore Cynthia Heimel and I don't understand why more people don't know her books! She's hilarious, clever, honest- a one off. Read this one and then read all the rest. And then, please, Cynthia, will you write some more?

[William Farnum-Badley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read about Barbados on a vacation. It's interesting who ppl
visit tourist to the Caribbean. It's cool great story tho!

[Bryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the essays in this book did not hold up very well for me (the one on Marilyn was a notable exception), simply because Heimel's base assumptions are so far off of mine -- a generation gap, I suppose. Her feminism is very tied into wanting men, where are the men, why do men ignore me now that I'm older, have we damaged the men by being too feminist, we should be nicer to the men, why can't the men just treat us reasonably -- and she is always at pains to point out how gorgeous/stunning/sexy/beautiful the women she writes about are, so that her readers won't dismiss their feminist views out of hand. And I get it, I do, but I am of my own time and I do not identify my feminism with how I relate to men, or whether or not men want me, and the level of misogyny she takes for granted in the men she writes about is to me unbelievably appalling; I would not stay in the room with someone who spoke the way her male friends speak about women.

[mark monday]

[Sara Schraeder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her essay entitled "Why I Hate Marilyn" earns five stars. And should be required reading in a culture idolizing the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Khardashian.

[sarah marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

i picked up this book randomly from a second hand bookstore last year simply because i thought the title and cover page were amazing.

the writing in this & most of the essays really reminded me of Dolly aldertons writing….which is obviously my favorite.

the same comment i always have with books with collections of essays is that i love some and i dislike others!

essays i loved:

- why i hate marilyn
- swinging through england
- having it all
- how to get a man (im serious)
- snow job
- fantasy kills

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Organized into essays on the times (late 80s), women, men, women and men, and the author's life, this book got off to a slow start for me. This is likely due to the fact that the first set of essays dealt with the 80s, which felt totally irrelevant. This is also the first book by Heimel that I've read, so I feel like I didn't quite get where she was coming from when I first picked this book up.

The book really hit its stride when it came to the section on women, men, and women and men. The essay entitled "Why I Hate Marilyn" was sharp and truthful; Heimel's perspective as being caught between the two viewpoints of men (prey and invisible) is a soul-baring, painfully honest realization: "After a certain age, when they don't want to fuck you anymore, they don't see you at all." This essay is where Heimel's position of a feminist struggling with the backlash her generation's spoils served as a timely reference point and put some of Heimel's earlier views and stances in better perspective. In addition to examining the art of playing dumb (ala Marilyn Monroe), Heimel also touches on issues of belittlement and harrasment and how they can manifest themselves.

"Cheating Situations" is the other essay that really stood out to me. Taking the much-hated position of the other woman, Heimel recounts a conversation with a friend who found herself in this less than enviable position. I feel compelled to include an excerpt that I think illustrates the breathless excitement that catches people up in cheating; I'm honestly kind of suprised Hollywood hasn't cribbed this monologue for its own use: "Infidelity is such a pretty word, so light and delicate. Whereas the act itself is dark and thick with guilt and betrayal, confusion, pain... 'Nothing you can say will make any difference,' she said. 'I already know everything. I know this will end in at least tears, and possibly in agony. I know that I am being a cliche and will soon begin to hate myself and think of myself as sordid and pathetic. I know that I might soon start entertaining fruitless fantasies of him leaving his wife and us living happily ever after, and the absurdity of thinking a man who cheats on one wife will not cheat on another. I know that we are playing with a stacked deck, that he has all the aces and I have no power, that I'll never be able to pick up the phone and just call him, even if my fusebox blows up at 3am, that he can never be there for me. I know that I am indulging in a profoundly anti-feminist act and will probably go to hell. I know I am violating the fifth commandment and that I am immoral. And I know, God help me, that I could fall in love and that then I will really be fucked.'"

While overall I'm left with a distinctly "meh" feeling about the overall book, these two essays were standouts in my mind. Heimel does display some artful writing smattered throughout, however, and is quite adept at getting across broad, yet intricately complicated nuances, to the reader with a minimum of words.

[Glen Engel-Cox · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book. With a great title like that, I expected it to be a comic look at the relations between men and women, likely coming hard down on the side of women. Instead, it is a mismash of New York angst mixed with the fading regret of yet another runaway from the 60s. In short, choppy doses (each section was originally published as individual essays in Playboy, Cosmopolitan, or The Village Voice), Heimel raves against the world, but not of it ever is funny enough to make you laugh out loud or close enough for that frisson of understanding to occur. Oh, you might be able to identify with her if you are a single mother of a teenage son who supports herself by writing in Manhattan, but I wouldn't take bets on it.

The essays are grouped into sections labled "The Times," "Women," "Men," "Women and Men," and "The Writer's Life." The best stuff is in "The Times" such as "Notes on Black" about how all the trendy people who were the originators of the black look are conspiring to forgo it for another color until all the sheep quit wearing it, then they'll go back. The worst stuff is in "The Writer's Life," which should instead have been entitled "Cynthia Heimel's Life" because I saw nothing there that resembled any other writer I know.

I guess I looked in the wrong place. I had noticed that I had a lot of comic stuff by men on my shelf, but nothing by a woman, so I browsed the shelves and came up with this. I'm not necessarily a fan of the comic essay (Dave Barry probably being the prime example of it today, and whom I can read but I never feel like purchasing a whole volume of his stuff). In essays, I tend to like humorous political commentary (say Molly Ivins or P.J. O'Rourke) better than Andy Rooney style essays on the little things of life. Instead I should have picked up comic fiction by a woman, I guess--except I'm not aware of any. Zora Neale Huston? Anyway, with due apologies to Heimel, I can live without her.

[Alice Urchin · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading one of Cynthia Heimel's essays in an anthology (Here Lies My Heart was the anthology, I can't remember the name of her essay), I decided to buy three of her books on Amazon. This book is (mostly) a collection of short columns she wrote for Playboy Magazine. She's clever and witty, but not as outrageous as, say, Chelsea Handler. Also, a lot of her columns are colored by feminist thought, which is cool.

[Miund · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought 'Carrie Bradshaw' was the coolest and sexiest columnist ever. Well, before Sarah-Jessica Parker was even out of high school, Cynthia Heimel was already sexy in the city. I laughed aloud reading her bits on men, sex, dating and neighbors. Such a witty writer... and the best thing is: She's not a fictional character! HA!

[Sadie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I know I should like this-the author is labeld as funny and feminist, blah blah blah. But honestly, this book is the literary equivalent of the old Catskills comedians that may have been funny or edgy in their day but their schtick doesn't translate well in current days. So, I might try another of her books but this one did not age well.

[Shane (❍ᴥ❍ʋ) · Rating 1 out of 5]

A collection of dated and angsty feminist rants. A lot of the essays contain the same basic and tired themes: All men are shallow, chauvinistic pigs all the time; women who aren't hardcore, bra-burning feminists are just mindless sex objects and/or too stupid to provide for themselves; women who are hardcore, bra-burning feminists are automatically the most amazing people ever.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and thought-provoking... I love Heimel's observations and essays on contemporary culture, using her own experiences and her observations of her teenage son's learning about life as starting-out points.

[Janet]

I read this collection of her columns back when it was published in 1991, and loved it then. I just re-read it, and while parts of it are dated*, her humor and insight still shine.[return][return]*pun intended.

[Mary Rose · Rating 2 out of 5]

funny but a little dated for me (most of her articles were written when I was in diapers). Also, maybe reading it at the wrong time- too happy in my relationship and too comfortable with myself. Found it overly cynical.

[Meter]

gabby feminist perspective.

written in around 1991. much is silly, dated, a brand of irreverent toss-about humor thats not that funny... but it only takes a few hours and serves as a recap of some forgotten territory. a realization that some complaints have been around a while.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This wasn't quite as funny as I was expecting it to be but I did chuckle a few times. It has some really interesting points though on everything from friendship, dating, parenting, and PMS. It was quite entertaining.

[GD · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't remember why I read this piece of non-fiction chick lit, but it was really funny.

[Kerrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining quick read.

[Lori · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't really like her style of writing. Pretty much feminist ranting, and not the good kind. Was hoping she would live up to the humor of her title. Was disappointed.

[Maureen Flatley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've probably read this book twenty times. It's just hilarious. A funny, funny, funny book which applies regardless of your "relationship" status. Let's all read it again.

[Deb Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love her more than chocolate.

[Kaethe · Rating 5 out of 5]

You can keep your Candace Bushnell. Heimel is way funnier. And rather less fashion-obsessed.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hilarious collection of essays! Very fun to read.

[Kylie Briggs · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sorry, I don't think using the F-word a lot makes you funny.

[Marta · Rating 4 out of 5]

one of the funniest books around. my favorite essay was PMS & Outfits ... I practically peed myself. I highly recommend reading this book. It's a really quick, fun read.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es entretenido, los ensayos son divertidos y puedes reír en numerosas ocaciones.

[Lara Blasberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny :)

[Crystal Bencic]

cute

[Evelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Classic sarcastic middle age woman writing. It was funny witty and well written.