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The Caregiving Wife's Handbook: Caring for Your Seriously Ill Husband, Caring for Yourself
A month after proposing marriage, Diana Denholm's husband was diagnosed with colon cancer and later congestive heart failure. Following a heart transplant several of her husband's body systems began failing forcing Diana to become his primary caregiver for more than a decade. The Caregiving Wife's Handbook is a step-by-step communication guide to help women maintain emotional, physical and financial health in their unique role as caregivers to their dying husbands.
Women are suffering physical, emotional and financial burnout as the United States' leading caregivers. Of the 65 million caregivers in the U.S., 66% are women, and these numbers will only increase as the population ages. And while statistics and resources abound for caregivers in general, very little exists for women in their unique role as caregivers to their dying husbands.
Traditionally, caring for a dying husband has been seen as a "wifely duty." Most wives don’t label themselves, and aren’t labeled by others, as caregivers. But advances in medical technology are making this distinction an imperitive since women are under more stress as caregivers than at any other time in history. Although there are generic similarities in caretaking, caregiving for a dying husband is distinctly different, and the longer the dying process, the more complex the problems.
When a husband is in the process of dying for many months or years the experience is quite different than a husband's sudden death. On top of dealing with the tragedy, the wife must figure out how to make life work. Sometimes a woman is married to the love of her life and sometimes not. Some marriages strengthen, while others disintegrate. Some women are in abusive relationships and find the abuse continues, and even increases, during these times, while others find, much to their surprise, that they become the abusers. Still some will start or increase substance abuse and others will have affairs to get by.
The Caregiving Wife's Handbook aims to help women get through their husbands' illness and death with compassion, emotionally whole and without regret by helping them communicate clearly—and in steps—about issues affecting this unique caregiving relationship.
Without specific direction, many women find themselves over the top with stress as their lives change radically. As a board certified medical psychotherapist and primary caregiver, Diana Denholm recognized the need for a step-by-step process to help women communicate with their husbands to avoid irreparable damage and regret.
In The Caregiving Wife's Handbook, you will learn:
To ask questions you may not realize you need to ask
The issues that bother you and a method for categorizing them
What you should and shouldn't discuss with your husband
How to make and prepare for a date to talk about difficult topics
What to do if your husband won't talk
To create "understandings" with your husband
How to deal with his family
You will also learn survival tips from the case histories of Joyce, Fran, Tina, Jean, Susan, and Mary. Their experiences will help you:
Choose roles you should take and those you should avoid
Understand what is “normal” in what you’re experiencing and feeling
Take care of yourself so you can survive and even have fun
Implement do’s and avoid don’ts to make your life simpler
Balance with greater ease
Other topics addressed are:
Sex life/intimacy
Current and future finances
Fatigue
Sleep
Household duties
Job responsibilities
Irresponsible behaviors
Unrealistic expectations...
The challenges of this time are endless and extreme and the reality often isn’t the beautiful and revered journey often portrayed. When a husband is dying of a long-term illness, the gift of time can allow us to prepare and say all the loving things we need to say, but it can also provide a lot of time for severe stressors and problems to develop. These problems and stressors can be debilitating for the caregiver and provide too many opportunities to say and do things we might regret. The Caregiving Wife's Handbook will give you the tools and support needed to get through your husbands' illness and death with compassion, emotionally whole and without regret.
Let The Caregiving Wife's Handbook support you amidst the grief—all the way through the Final Chapter.
Women are suffering physical, emotional and financial burnout as the United States' leading caregivers. Of the 65 million caregivers in the U.S., 66% are women, and these numbers will only increase as the population ages. And while statistics and resources abound for caregivers in general, very little exists for women in their unique role as caregivers to their dying husbands.
Traditionally, caring for a dying husband has been seen as a "wifely duty." Most wives don’t label themselves, and aren’t labeled by others, as caregivers. But advances in medical technology are making this distinction an imperitive since women are under more stress as caregivers than at any other time in history. Although there are generic similarities in caretaking, caregiving for a dying husband is distinctly different, and the longer the dying process, the more complex the problems.
When a husband is in the process of dying for many months or years the experience is quite different than a husband's sudden death. On top of dealing with the tragedy, the wife must figure out how to make life work. Sometimes a woman is married to the love of her life and sometimes not. Some marriages strengthen, while others disintegrate. Some women are in abusive relationships and find the abuse continues, and even increases, during these times, while others find, much to their surprise, that they become the abusers. Still some will start or increase substance abuse and others will have affairs to get by.
The Caregiving Wife's Handbook aims to help women get through their husbands' illness and death with compassion, emotionally whole and without regret by helping them communicate clearly—and in steps—about issues affecting this unique caregiving relationship.
Without specific direction, many women find themselves over the top with stress as their lives change radically. As a board certified medical psychotherapist and primary caregiver, Diana Denholm recognized the need for a step-by-step process to help women communicate with their husbands to avoid irreparable damage and regret.
In The Caregiving Wife's Handbook, you will learn:
To ask questions you may not realize you need to ask
The issues that bother you and a method for categorizing them
What you should and shouldn't discuss with your husband
How to make and prepare for a date to talk about difficult topics
What to do if your husband won't talk
To create "understandings" with your husband
How to deal with his family
You will also learn survival tips from the case histories of Joyce, Fran, Tina, Jean, Susan, and Mary. Their experiences will help you:
Choose roles you should take and those you should avoid
Understand what is “normal” in what you’re experiencing and feeling
Take care of yourself so you can survive and even have fun
Implement do’s and avoid don’ts to make your life simpler
Balance with greater ease
Other topics addressed are:
Sex life/intimacy
Current and future finances
Fatigue
Sleep
Household duties
Job responsibilities
Irresponsible behaviors
Unrealistic expectations...
The challenges of this time are endless and extreme and the reality often isn’t the beautiful and revered journey often portrayed. When a husband is dying of a long-term illness, the gift of time can allow us to prepare and say all the loving things we need to say, but it can also provide a lot of time for severe stressors and problems to develop. These problems and stressors can be debilitating for the caregiver and provide too many opportunities to say and do things we might regret. The Caregiving Wife's Handbook will give you the tools and support needed to get through your husbands' illness and death with compassion, emotionally whole and without regret.
Let The Caregiving Wife's Handbook support you amidst the grief—all the way through the Final Chapter.
168 pages, Paperback
First published November 8, 2011
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
September 16, 2018
My husband has terminal brain cancer at 34 years old. I'm 36 and a nurse practitioner. Overall, I think this is a lovely book but there were large portions that did not resonate with me for a few reasons. I think this book can have great value for many wives who find themselves becoming a caregiver for their terminally ill husband. However, it's okay if there are stories or suggestions that you don't find helpful or do not resonate with you. Take what you can out of it. For me, I felt some of issues were targeted towards women of a different generation. I just do not have the same views or concerns. Some of that might be due to generational differences, because of my career, or where I am at in my time as a caregiver compared to the women in this book. Even with these large portions that I didn't care for, there were many good things I pulled from this book or can apply in different ways. I think if you go into this book looking for it to fix your life, you will be disappointed. But if you can take what you need and ignore what you don't need then it is worth a read.
April 11, 2023
pretty generic advice for any unhealthy relationship
Nothing in there is new but if you’ve been married to a selfish, unhelpful, occasionally abusive, and proud AH, whose illness allows him to retain mental and somewhat physical capacities, then a few ideas in this book might help. Being myself in a very healthy, very loving relationship with a wonderfully altruistic, self-aware and generous man, whose cognitive and physical abilities declined sharply and quickly, this book was mostly useless and redundant. Too bad.
Nothing in there is new but if you’ve been married to a selfish, unhelpful, occasionally abusive, and proud AH, whose illness allows him to retain mental and somewhat physical capacities, then a few ideas in this book might help. Being myself in a very healthy, very loving relationship with a wonderfully altruistic, self-aware and generous man, whose cognitive and physical abilities declined sharply and quickly, this book was mostly useless and redundant. Too bad.
September 11, 2016
I enjoyed an interview with the author, and even though I'm not a caregiving wife, I applied the insights into help with elderly parents. Denholm is a psychotherapist, and it shows in her realistic advise on dealing with difficult health situations. Some of the best parts relate to agreeing to disagree and learning how to communicate effectively.
March 12, 2018
Not enough advice to help the caregiver
I was hoping to receive more advice for self help. This book was mainly about reading others' stories. I could relate to the stories, but nothing was said how to navigate through physically nor emotionally.
I was hoping to receive more advice for self help. This book was mainly about reading others' stories. I could relate to the stories, but nothing was said how to navigate through physically nor emotionally.
September 22, 2013
The best book I wish I'd never need. Great stuff on boundaries, communication, agreements, & self-care.
November 8, 2013
This book was written for me....at least that is how it felt reading it. Good ideas for communicating and managing long term care-giving and caring for oneself too.
August 18, 2019
Covers problems faced by wives in long-term care of dying husbands. Communication skills dealing with family self care and more.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews