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Batterer as Parent (2nd, 11) by Bancroft, R Lundy - Silverman, Jay G - Ritchie, Daniel [Paperback (2011)]
Batterer as Parent (2nd, 11) by Bancroft, R Lundy - Silverman, Jay G - Ritchie, Daniel [Paperback (2011)]
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First published March 19, 2002
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
June 19, 2013
"... the strongest and and most independent children are among those refusing to visit with their battering fathers."
(Pg. 135)
Bancroft and Silverman certainly shoot holes in the theory that the male who chooses to abuse a child's mother can still be a fit father.
I'll throw in with those who have commented that this is an essential read for the professionals involved in determining the status/outcome of abused mothers and children; however, since the book takes the side of those mothers and their children, I have my doubts that many of those professionals will read The Batterer as Parent. They're part of The System, and The System has serious issues with confronting reality.
See, there's a set-in-concrete, culture-wide, unquestioned and unexamined notion that children must be in relationship with their fathers. Period. When it comes to batterers, Bancroft and Silverman dismantle that idea with facts and statistics; more than that, they speak to common sense and sanity.
That's why I "oh, heck, yes - read this" -recommend The Batterer as Parent as a resource to battered mothers - not only as a preparation for what's coming your way if you try to protect your children, but as a place to find reassurance and vindication: You aren't "crazy", "alienating", or "inappropriately bonded" to your children. The System is all of those things. And the culture that created and supports The System is every bit as looney as you believe it to be.
Which is why I'm not holding my breath as I wait for The System to grow a backbone, read this book, and get in touch with reality.
Battered mothers: read this book.
Bancroft and Silverman certainly shoot holes in the theory that the male who chooses to abuse a child's mother can still be a fit father.
I'll throw in with those who have commented that this is an essential read for the professionals involved in determining the status/outcome of abused mothers and children; however, since the book takes the side of those mothers and their children, I have my doubts that many of those professionals will read The Batterer as Parent. They're part of The System, and The System has serious issues with confronting reality.
See, there's a set-in-concrete, culture-wide, unquestioned and unexamined notion that children must be in relationship with their fathers. Period. When it comes to batterers, Bancroft and Silverman dismantle that idea with facts and statistics; more than that, they speak to common sense and sanity.
That's why I "oh, heck, yes - read this" -recommend The Batterer as Parent as a resource to battered mothers - not only as a preparation for what's coming your way if you try to protect your children, but as a place to find reassurance and vindication: You aren't "crazy", "alienating", or "inappropriately bonded" to your children. The System is all of those things. And the culture that created and supports The System is every bit as looney as you believe it to be.
Which is why I'm not holding my breath as I wait for The System to grow a backbone, read this book, and get in touch with reality.
Battered mothers: read this book.
February 3, 2022
An extremely good book and should be read with See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence and Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. The author's empathy and advocacy for domestic violence victims comes through very clearly in his writings and it's very heartening.
The first third of the book reviews and summarizes the key findings in Why Does He Do That. The second third is a review and critique of existing practices by professionals and family courts when it comes to the issue of domestic violence. The last third is a list of recommendations to the different groups, professionals and organizations involved in working with batterers, abused children or women.
Everything Bancroft describes in the second section is what Jess Hill described in her book, See What You Made Me Do. The key issues wrong with the courts, the professionals, therapists, lawyers, custody evaluators etc, is that professionals underestimate how rampant domestic violence is, and they then use guidelines either better suited for nonviolent homes, or guidelines based off misogynistic and victim-blaming theories like Freud's claims about women lying about rape and incest.
I am very interested in knowledge about domestic violence, but even so I found it very upsetting and hard to read this. Although the authors are clearly empathetic and are just illustrating the examples briefly and factually, reading about cases where kids are made to stay with abusive batterers, or even a brief reference to a woman who was killed by her husband just a week after her attempt to seek help from the courts is just so, so upsetting.
My personal takeaways were that: 1) professionals working in these fields are not trauma-informed nor trained in domestic violence, 2) batterers are extremely manipulative and articulate. Before reading this book, I was full of confidence that I would never be fooled by the bullshit spouted by a man who abuses his wife. After reading this, I can only say that I am now vaguely paranoid that if I worked in that field, I would probably be fooled. 3) the tendency to mistrust women's and children's experiences, feelings and opinions while rewarding and believing men for much less, 4) children have highly ambivalent feelings towards their batterer fathers. They do better when they do get to see their fathers after separation (except for the most terrifying of batterers). They do feel love and affection for them, do want to express these feelings, despite their fear and anger etc. 5) the strength of the bond between the child and the non-battering parent is key to the child's recovery.
Children and teenagers' responses to battering fathers are a lot more complicated than I thought. Some may experience traumatic bonding, some identify with the father and take on his beliefs, words and actions as a survival tactic, some want his attention and approval. I also very much appreciated Bancroft repeatedly emphasizing the resilience and creativity children display in resisting the batterer, which may then be pathologized or mislabelled in other contexts as problem-seeking, risk-taking, attention issues, emotional and behavioral issues, etc, when these are likely survival tactics. Bancroft mentions that very little research has been done in this area and now I really want to read a book about it.
Overall, a really fantastic book. A must-read for anyone interested in domestic violence, men's violence against women, trauma, and children's issues.
The first third of the book reviews and summarizes the key findings in Why Does He Do That. The second third is a review and critique of existing practices by professionals and family courts when it comes to the issue of domestic violence. The last third is a list of recommendations to the different groups, professionals and organizations involved in working with batterers, abused children or women.
Everything Bancroft describes in the second section is what Jess Hill described in her book, See What You Made Me Do. The key issues wrong with the courts, the professionals, therapists, lawyers, custody evaluators etc, is that professionals underestimate how rampant domestic violence is, and they then use guidelines either better suited for nonviolent homes, or guidelines based off misogynistic and victim-blaming theories like Freud's claims about women lying about rape and incest.
I am very interested in knowledge about domestic violence, but even so I found it very upsetting and hard to read this. Although the authors are clearly empathetic and are just illustrating the examples briefly and factually, reading about cases where kids are made to stay with abusive batterers, or even a brief reference to a woman who was killed by her husband just a week after her attempt to seek help from the courts is just so, so upsetting.
My personal takeaways were that: 1) professionals working in these fields are not trauma-informed nor trained in domestic violence, 2) batterers are extremely manipulative and articulate. Before reading this book, I was full of confidence that I would never be fooled by the bullshit spouted by a man who abuses his wife. After reading this, I can only say that I am now vaguely paranoid that if I worked in that field, I would probably be fooled. 3) the tendency to mistrust women's and children's experiences, feelings and opinions while rewarding and believing men for much less, 4) children have highly ambivalent feelings towards their batterer fathers. They do better when they do get to see their fathers after separation (except for the most terrifying of batterers). They do feel love and affection for them, do want to express these feelings, despite their fear and anger etc. 5) the strength of the bond between the child and the non-battering parent is key to the child's recovery.
Children and teenagers' responses to battering fathers are a lot more complicated than I thought. Some may experience traumatic bonding, some identify with the father and take on his beliefs, words and actions as a survival tactic, some want his attention and approval. I also very much appreciated Bancroft repeatedly emphasizing the resilience and creativity children display in resisting the batterer, which may then be pathologized or mislabelled in other contexts as problem-seeking, risk-taking, attention issues, emotional and behavioral issues, etc, when these are likely survival tactics. Bancroft mentions that very little research has been done in this area and now I really want to read a book about it.
Overall, a really fantastic book. A must-read for anyone interested in domestic violence, men's violence against women, trauma, and children's issues.
June 27, 2008
For those who have every thought "women just know how to push men's buttons" or "they should just leave" - read this. This book explains in such a clear way the common traits and characteristics specific to that of a batter, keeping women in a cycle that carries on for long, extended periods of time.
December 14, 2009
The most useful work I've read in understanding how people who batter parent and use power, control and manipulation to destroy their partner's parenting ability. A must read for every domestic and sexual violence worker, child welfare professional, victims and victim support people.
February 20, 2012
A great review of academic research on batterers and the potential risks involved in their parenting. Sobering and a little scary, but important information to have. I wish lawyers and judges involved in family law cases would all read this book.
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February 7, 2014Phenomenal resource with great insight into the tactics of abusers.
July 27, 2019
I came into this book with minimal understanding about domestic violence and situations with abusive spouses. I left reading this with a much greater idea of what the dynamics were in these situations.
May 25, 2020
A must read for anyone who works with children or families.
July 23, 2009
This is a dry but interesting book. I'm not sure how one can make research so intriguing that you can't put it down. I think that if you are a person working with people in domestic violence situations, you need to read this book & probably further your information with other sources as well. I've wondered for a long time how batterer's are as parents & how the children respond in these situations. This book helps lay out the limits that need to be applied for batterer's to improve the child's welfare & not get drawn in by the manipulative tactics that batterer's use.
April 13, 2019
Anyone who is in a controlling relationship with a partner, spouse, parent, child should read this book. Anyone in the criminal justice and probate court systems, school psychology and guidance, therapists, forensic psychologists, women's shelters, department of children and families...anyone working with children. It's an informative and educational book on what a batterer behaves like, the tricks they use to make themselves look like the victim, and the psychological basis for this disorder. It will help many experts spot domestic abuse.
August 9, 2018
I read this one because of how much I learned from the angry men book, but it was just very dry and text book like. It also repeated a lot of what I had already read in a much more technical jargon style.
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blog...
For more reviews see my blog: https://adventuresofabibliophile.blog...
April 20, 2008
Lundy Bancroft is a super star when it comes to the reality of domestic violence, the civil legal system, and the impact this social epidemic has on families.
March 6, 2013
This is a scholarly book and is greeted toward the professionals. If you have a dictionary handy it's worth it!
September 6, 2014
Written for legal / psychology / clergy professionals, so I didn't read all of this book. I Mostly read the parts that described the trickle-down effects of living in a violent home. Very helpful.
July 9, 2015
Every child custody evaluator should have to read this book.
April 2, 2024
A follow-up to Bancroft's "Who does he do that?", equally insightful and useful, much more academic and focused on being used by researchers, family courts and counselors.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews