Everything Changes 1st (first) edition Text Only

by Beverly Conyers

A compassionate, user-friendly handbook for family and friends navigating the many challenges that come with a loved one's new-found sobriety.A relative or friend has finally taken those tentative first steps toward sobriety. With the relief of this life-changing course of action comes a new and difficult set of challenges for recovering addicts and those who love them. Family members and friends often find themselves unsure of how to weather such a dramatic turn, as the rules and routines of their relationships no longer pertain.Everything Changes assuages fears and uncertainty by teaching loved ones of newly recovering addicts how to navigate the often-tumultuous early months of recovery. Beverly Conyers, author of the acclaimed Addict in the Family , again shares the hope and knowledge that she gained as a parent of a recovering addict by focusing on the aftermath of addiction. She outlines the physical and psychological changes that recovering addicts go through, and offers practical tools to help family members and build a fresh, rewarding relationship with the addictbe supportive without setting themselves up for disappointmentavoid enabling destructive behaviorset and maintain boundariescope with relapsedeal with the practicalities of sober living, such as helping the addict find a joband deal with the stigma of addiction.

Genres: Nonfiction, Addiction, Counselling

Paperback

First published July 21, 2009

About the author

I began writing about addiction in 2003 after discovering that my younger daughter had become addicted to heroin. I wanted to learn everything I could about the disease and also to help others who were struggling to cope with a loved one’s addiction.

Over the years, I grew increasingly interested in the process of recovery, which led me to confront the destructive role that alcohol has played in my own life. I’ve come to believe that most addictions (including compulsive behaviors and self-defeating thought patterns) are an attempt to escape the pain of simply being who we are (or who we think we are). My fourth book, FIND YOUR LIGHT: PRACTICING MINDFULNESS TO RECOVER FROM ANYTHING, explores how mindfulness can support recovery by gently guiding us toward self-knowledge, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love.

Q & A with Beverly Conyers

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE ADDICTION?
Addiction is rampant in our society and takes many forms, including substance use, disordered eating, gambling, compulsive Internet use, hoarding, video game addiction, porn or sex addiction, and self-defeating thought patterns. These problematic patterns of thinking and behaving enter the realm of addiction when they create persistent, serious problems in our life. These can include fractured relationships, workplace problems, and compromised mental and physical health.

WHAT'S BEHIND ALL THESE ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS?
Most people with addictions live with deep feelings of shame and inadequacy – the belief that we’re just not “good enough” as we are. These painful feelings of being fundamentally unacceptable – which often operate at a subconscious level -- help fuel addiction and undermine recovery. We’re constantly looking for distractions and escape because we find it so hard to be alone with our thoughts – most of which are based on deeply ingrained but ultimately false ideas about ourselves and our world.

HOW CAN MINDFULNESS HELP WITH RECOVERY?
Addiction is about escape. Mindfulness is about awareness. It opens our eyes to new ways of understanding ourselves and our world. It helps us recognize the false beliefs and damaging thoughts that prevent us from finding happiness and peace of mind. It teaches us to value all living things, including ourselves, and allows us to see ourselves as part of a greater whole. As awareness grows, we begin to awaken our innate talents, strengths, and moral goodness. And by learning to let go of the automatic thoughts that consume so much of our mental energy, we free ourselves to discover who we really are. We find out what really matters to us and develop the values, sense of purpose, and self-discipline that lay the foundation for genuine happiness.

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one to buy and keep for re-reads. Such an excellent resource, especially for someone who gets more support from books than meetings. Reading this reminded me that there are so many people who have experienced this particular pain, and that I'm not alone.
The tone is compassionate, and the advice is logical and sound. This was just what I needed, and I think others who read it will feel the same way.
I've been on the receiving end of the "make sure to take care of yourself" advice without grasping how to do it and also be positive support for someone who's struggling. I feel like this book gives equal treatment to care for self and care for loved one, more of a healthy balance in attitudes rather than an either/or scenario or complete detachment.
Highly recommended.

[Laura Andersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Personally, I think this would be a helpful book for all parents of young adults, addiction issues or not. Lots of guidance and reminders about control, detachment, and living our own lives whatever choices our children make. Here are some of my favorites:

"Assumptions create barriers to communication because we are tuned in to what's going on inside our own head, all the while telling ourselves it's what's going on in hers."

"The lesson of relapse is not that our loved one has failed. It is that she has more lessons to learn."

"Guilt is a self-focused emotion that damages relationships. Make your amends and let it go."

"Addicts don't escape into substances because they're good at facing things."

"Our challenge is to offer support to an extent that is appropriate while maintaining an attitude of healthy detachment."

[JD Derby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative, encouraging, honest

Conyers doesn't sugar-coat addiction. She does, however, offer hope and encouragement, a good intro to the Al Anon way of coping, and truths that family members must eventually face before moving forward productively. I walked away from the book with a clear sense of direction and purpose for myself and a better understanding of my daughter's addiction journey.

[Arthea J. Larson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found a lot of relief in this book. What I felt as rejection is simply a part of focusing on one’s recovery. All the energy goes to one thing and sobriety is not a quick fix.

I appreciated a balanced view of the addict and the family and what to expect. Nothing was sugar-coated but it wasn’t abrasive, either. I found it a very calming book that I will definitely return to.

[Diana Weeks · Rating 5 out of 5]

So insightful!

[Jodi L · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far the most helpful and inspirational book I've read on the subject. If you have a child or loved one struggling, or even if you yourself are I would highly recommend.

[Janet Merrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended. The thing I loved about this one (as compared to the author's first book) was the simple list at the end of each chapter of tips to remember. Very helpful.

[Anne Riddick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

I enjoyed being educated by the book. How to set and hold boundaries. The drama triangle 🔺️ was very informative.

[Cynthia Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compassionate, honest, encouraging, and incredibly helpful.

[Darreth Eckert · Rating 5 out of 5]

You must read this!

This should be mandatory reading for everyone who loves an addict. I read this book within a 24 hour span and will be rereading and referring back to it for a long time to come.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's hard to say I LIKED this book, because I usually mean that I enjoyed the book when I say things like that. This isn't an enjoyable book. But it is informative, helpful, and well worth reading.

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

very helpful and informative

[Tori · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful. I felt like I was reading about my own life in some parts, and the advice is excellent. I would probably reread it in the future and use it as a reference.