Wish I Could Be There: Notes From a Phobic Life

by Allen Shawn

Allen Shawn is afraid of many things, including heights, water, fields, parking lots, tunnels, and unknown roads. He avoids taking subways, using elevators, or crossing bridges—in short, he is agoraphobic, which means he is afraid of both public spaces and of any form of isolation. part memori, part scientific inquiry, part meditation, Wish I Could Be There is a brave book about the experience of being afraid.

The search to understand his own crippling condition led Shawn into the world of people who study brains and human behavior; at the same time, he looked back to clues from his own childhood. He grew up in one of America's premier literary families; his father was William Shawn, editor of The New Yorker for thirty-five years, and his brother is the distinguished playwright and actor Wallace Shawn. He also has a twin sister who is autistic and who was sent to live in a special home when they were eight. His father led a double life that introduced strict taboos into the household.

As he looks at his own life for the sources of his phobias, Shawn also talks to professionals who are trying to decode the ways the human brain—and mind—works. These include researchers who are mapping the physiology of fear and psychologists and psychiatrists still wrestling with the mystery of how we form and change our habits of thought and behavior. Shawn deftly moves back and forth between science and personal history as he tries to solve the psychological and biological puzzles that have plagued him for so long. In doing so, he offers poignant insights into the role of pain, the nature of fear, and the definition of normality. We can all find ourselves in some part of his story.

Allen Shawn's droll, probing, and honest book explores the mystery of the many ways we become who we are, whether through our upbringing, our genetic makeup, or our own choices. From inside the isolation of fear, he confronts the universal struggle to face our demons.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Mental Health, Biography Memoir, Biography, Mental Illness

266 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

An unusual book, beautifully written. Shawn became a full-blown agoraphobic as a young adult, and remains at the time of this book's writing a few years ago (his late 50s) terrified of open spaces, enclosed spaces, flying, and traveling, among other things. He examines his phobias from many angles, including family history, biology, evolution, and psychoanalysis. There isn't a moment of self-pity in the book--only a grief for lost experiences. At the same time Shawn persuasively argues that our weakness and strengths are inextricable and suggests that some of the joys he has had in life (he is a composer and a teacher of music) might not have been as intense or even as likely if he had been phobia-free. On the subject of his childhood family life (which will be of helpless interest of anyone interested in the deep past of The New Yorker; his father William Shawn was the magazine's longtime editor), he manages to reveal disturbing details without souring his account with resentment or blame. Shawn is a sensitive reader of poetry, which he weaves into his tale to its benefit. I closed this book filled with admiration for its author, and a much greater understanding both of clinical phobias and of the more garden-variety avoidant behavior from which nearly all of us suffer.

[Anne-Marie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was telling Jodi how I've recently become a shut-in and she recommended this book. Jodi isn't a big reader but she has dealt with her share of agoraphobia so I was all about checkin' it out.

Ummm . . . Jodi, did you actually read this book? The whole thing? The only reason I kept reading was because I didn't want to miss something worthwhile after all the time I had invested in it.

Guess what? There was no good part.

Shawn goes into great detail about the evolutionary explanations for phobias which might have been interesting if he addressed the topic on broader terms. If I had wanted to read a scientific journal, then I would have.

I expected this to be a charming memoir with a lot of humorous accounts of the authors irrational fears and it just wasn't. At all.

Allen Shawn has a twin sister who autistic. Throughout the entire book he kept calling her retarded. Is that even allowed anymore?

Okay - check out this little nugget about his autistic sister:

"I know that she wraps strings around her fingers until they endanger her circulation, bites and scratches herself, peels her fingertips and the skin below the fingernails until they bleed, and has a dangerous habit of stuffing strings and plastic bags into her vagina."

Autistic or not, I think that what one stuffs in one's vadge is personal as hell and shouldn't be fodder for one's brother's book.

But of course that was, for me, the most memorable part of the book.

I did like this though:

"Sometimes people do use their ethnicity as an easy was of establishing a sense of identity and to give themselves a false sense of belonging, an almost irritating pride in their background."

I think that is a really eloquent way of putting "it". That kinda horse shit drives me insane - and people do it with anything - not just ethnicity.

And here is a fun bit of trivia on Hans Christian Andersen:

"Andersen, who suffered from a number of phobias and obsessions, had a horror of being buried alive. In fact he kept, in all seriousness, next to his bedside a note that read, "I only appear to be dead," lest he be mistaken for a corpse."

Perhaps we should all follow Andersen's lead and write our own beside notes. You can never be too careful.

Find Your Own Phobia

[Graceann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am agoraphobic. The disease was diagnosed more than 25 years ago and my entire adult life has been a struggle to function in something approaching "normal." Sometimes I've done well, and at other times I've missed out on amazing opportunities because my own demons won't let me cross the threshold of my own home. My interest in Mr. Shawn's memoir should be fairly obvious.

Reading about how Shawn's phobias developed and how his family members had their own issues was enlightening, to say the least. There are a lot of agoraphobes in the world, and we each feel alone. It is still surprising, almost shocking, to read my symptoms described as suffered by someone else. Everything that I thought was my own private coping mechanism is something that Allen Shawn has been doing since long before I was diagnosed.

Unfortunately, there are chapters devoted to scientific background that are not only dry, but not terribly helpful. As a matter of fact, I found reading these sections to be anxiety-inducing, which rather defeated my original goal (i.e., reading about someone else's experiences in order to feel a bit better about my own).

Wish I Could Be There is far from perfect, but I'm glad I read it. Affirmation of my own illness, hope that things could be better for me than they currently are, and information to help improve my life can only be accepted by me with gratitude.

[Tabitha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I rarely rate books as amazing and I have critiques of this book. There are portions of this book that drag, but I highly recommend this book to anyone that has a friend/family member with phobias. As a person that struggles with bouts of agoraphobia, I can share that many of the descriptions are true to my experience. I'm going to encourage those closest to me to simply read the introduction and first chapter because there is plenty in that section alone.

Some quotes:

"I wanted to wriggle out of his suggestion and even out of his description of me as an expert in phobias through suffering, to detach myself from my handicap as if my personality and my strengths belonged to one person and my problems to another." (forward)

"...to be human is to experience limitations of many kinds." (introduction)

"A phobia is like a pain in the soul." (p5)

"Truth leaves a stain on things." (108)

"In some sense, being ashamed of one aspect of oneself holds the rest of the personality hostage." (p228)

[Carmen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good book on psychology and phobias.

[thefourthvine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is kind of an unholy union. Half of it is an interesting memoir about Allen Shawn's family, his life, and his phobias (and the intersections of the three). The other half is a relatively boring summary of neurological and psychological aspects of phobias.

The memoir part of it is, well, like I said: really interesting. Shawn's family background is fascinating. That's a little disingenuous, because I honestly think that almost anyone could write a good book about their family and childhood if they wrote honestly and well. But. Still. The family stuff was good. Even better, though, was Shawn's description of the development of his phobias and how they affect his life. He does a fabulous job of describing what phobias feel like and how he, as what we might call a high-functioning agoraphobic, lives and copes.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot of that, because much of the book is dedicated to the science side of things. If he'd been writing in depth about that, it would also have been interesting, but as it was, he kind of skims along the surface. He doesn't go into a lot of depth, and what he does cover is the stuff most people already know. There's nothing new in this information, and he's not a science writer, so it's not presented particularly well, either. A lot of the time I felt like he was using the science portion more as filler than as content, which was a pity, because he could have said a lot more about his family and his life (or a lot more interesting things about neurology and psychology, if he was more of that kind of person).

So the melding of the two types of book was unsuccessful. Still - the parts that were personal were good enough to make me glad I'd read the whole book.

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fun fact: this was written by the brother of Wallace Shawn (Vizzini in The Princess Bride). So now, while watching one of the most hilarious movies ever, I will have their depressing family drama in the background. Greaaaaat.

But seriously. This book was...not my favorite. It's part memoir, part philosophical/scientific discussion of phobias. The memoir sections felt abstract and impersonal, unless they concerned his twin sister Mary, in which case they were far TOO personal. I think most people would feel uncomfortable reading "My earliest memory is of sleeping next to Mary, and to this day the sight, smell, and 'propinquity' of the female body gives me joy, actually more joy than any touch or affection or any athletic sexual grapplings can ever give." Uhhhh. Not ok. Especially when you know that "propinquity" is the word his mother used for situations with lots of sexual tension (As in "All it takes is propinquity!")

The non-memoir portions of the book were chock-full of Freudian psychology and Darwinian science. As those are my two least favorite things ever, most of this book made me want to scream "SHUT UP" and throw it out a window.

Yeah. Still working on the compassion side of this counseling class.

[Lizzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

An odd, interesting little book about being agoraphobic. He tells about his family - both of his parents had phobias - talks some about what science knows about phobias, and describes how he lives with his phobias. I think of myself as agoraphobic because I find reasons not to go places, but I rarely have the somatic symptoms he does: difficulty breathing, blacking out, digestive problems. It's sobering to read his descriptions of his life. Despite it all he's a successful composer and teacher, but he lives his life within narrow confines. I appreciated his willingness to talk about it.

[Kathryn Jennex · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and definitely identified with it. Shawn has a great understanding of how and why anxiety works as it applies in the world as well as personally.
I read a few reviews which called the book "boring". Even the boom jacket uses the descriptor "droll" but I found if I read it in longer stretches I didn't notice. This memoir is much more of an academic study than a typical one.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is always helpful to understand others difficulties from their own mouths. I found this to be an interesting memoir and appreciate Allen's bravery in being willing to share his story with the world.

[Philemon - · Rating 2 out of 5]

Frustrating to find this well-reviewed memoir of a phobia sufferer floating woodenly on the surface instead of risking at least a semi-deep dive into the tormented psyche that was nominally the intended subject.

Half the book is re-baked survey stuff ("Phobia comes from the Greek word for fear." Eek!). The better half, his personal memoir part, feels mostly like historical narrative such as might serve to bring a new therapist up to speed. Nothing wrong with that, but as a reader investing my time I hoped for more -- not necessarily a masterpiece, but some fair share of committed, warm-breathed, potentially illuminating flashes of human experience. Am I out of line to ask so much?

[Kali · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I really like the authors style of writing - I enjoy his humor and I particularly enjoyed reading about his family. I understand where other reviews are coming from because I also found some of the chapters a bit "boring" but I also understand why it was important for author to write them (as to better understand how our brains work). I learned a lot about phobias through an interesting tale of authors life and his own struggles and I also learned a bit about myself!

[Ivan Benedict · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book, written by a man who has serious phobias. He talks about his experiences and his family. He also discusses some of the science surrounding phobias. He also tells about others who have had phobias. he was able to marry and have children. He tells about his twin sister, who had mental difficulties. The book led me to talk with others, who have phobias of some kind. This book could be very helpful to many people.

[Amanda Del Brocco · Rating 1 out of 5]

The description of this book was quite misleading. Around 75% of it read like a textbook, explaining different psychologist's research in the area of phobias, or worse, not even relating to phobias! I thought most of this was boring, especially since it didn't particularly fit into his narrative of living with phobias.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Academically written, but amateur information

[Gail Kennon · Rating 2 out of 5]

it seemed strangely impersonal to me.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Allen Shawn is smarter than most people on their best days. Despite his being a composer, the quality of the writing and the confidence of his stride into psychology and physiology does not resound with the frantic slaps of a fish out of water. To be honest he comes from a genetic pedigree where anything less would be suprisingly out of step with what we know of DNA transmission. This is the first author I encountered where he nearly successfully slipped Freud and psychoanalysis into my drink and got me to chug, chug, chug. Thankfully I saw the glistening black pill of psychoanalysis at the bottom of my glass. It will take more than one book to get me to wallpaper my consciousness with my father's penis and my mother's vagina.

Shawn's handling of Freud's theories is palatable because Shawn is able to zoom out far enough to create a compelling frame. Freud, Shawn asserts, knew that psychosis occurs in a contact zone where myriad forces are at work: sexual, cognitive, physiological, and philosophical.

Shawn's intuition and understanding is never elementary enough to dismiss anxiety outright as a weight with the potential to sink the possessor. As most things, it is both villain and savior. The basic foundation of anxiety is a fear of death, the interconnected and solitary elements of life, and, of course, a fear of madness. Anxiety then connects the possessor to greater forces and the person's awareness of these things compels them to create art, music, and poetry. Speaking of poetry, this is the first book I read where I was absolutely convinced that the author read the poets whom he excerpted. Another strength is that he balanced autobiographical details with a larger, more relevant context. My one, seemingly minor critique, is that some sentences are begging for the dewrinkling force of an iron's press. There are some sentences that simply resist residence in the reader's brain as they seem to be constructed with an epigrammatic impulse, but the complexity of thought behind it cannot be communicated in one sentence.

Those who wish to come to intellectual terms with their anxiety would benefit immensely from some of the thinking in this book. The reader's own habits of mind will determine whether or not the conflicted messages of the book are resounding successes or dull points upon which their shackle-free wishes are impaled.

[Jay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am certainly not an expert on neurology, psychology, psychiatry, genetics and other subjects. I'm sure other reviewers can employ intricate terminology to refute some of the scientific claims and correlations that this book makes. I was particularly interested in the subject of phobias and how Shawn has been affected by his agoraphobia. I had an upcoming audition for a role of a character who was deceived by doctors determined to "treat" him...when in fact they were actually trying to manipulate the client to sign over his lease as a form of "trust." Don't ask...

"Wish I Could Be There" really did provide some perspective on Shawn's thought processes and coping mechanisms. He shed some light on his day to day operations and past history. Unfortunately, the goodreads description of "part scientific inquiry" is understated. It should be modified to "mostly scientific inquiry." Had I wanted a college (or high school) lecture on how the brain functions or about Freud's works, I would have found those separate texts or looked the subjects up online. It's wonderful to incorporate neurology into a book about an agoraphobic life, but what is really essential is applying that information to make a point about how that relates to his phobia. Shawn did this somewhat, but when he devoted entire chapters to the brain, to fear and to conditioning, I'd wait for an amazing conclusion that tied everything together and was left disappointed. His entire chapter devoted to Freud was definitely interesting, but towards the end of the book, I chuckled a bit thinking about how I really wanted to read more about his family, awkward situations he encountered, specific instances when the fear became too much for him to handle, the effect the agoraphobia had in certain social occasions, etc. There wasn't enough of it.

The book was a pretty easy read for the most part, despite some of the boring sections when I wanted to escape the lecture hall. Perhaps the title should really be changed to: "Wish I Could Be A Psychology Professor."

[Kara Babcock · Rating 2 out of 5]

To be honest, I bought this book more because it was in a bargain bin for $5 than because it looked interesting. Although I don't go out much, I've never considered myself agoraphobic so much as misanthropic. Nevertheless, there was something intriguing about the idea of a memoir/professional discussion of phobias.

By telling aspects of his life through the lens of phobia, Allen Shawn engages in what is probably the most interesting part of the story: the cause of the phobia. Rather than attempting to simplify the situation, Shawn examines every level of his life, including his father's phobia, his parents' relationship, his relationship to his twin sister, who is autistic, etc. He talks about how his phobia did not manifest fully until he went to college, not because he feels those years caused or amplified the phobia, but just because he had more control over his life, more ability to create a routine that reinforced phobic behaviour. By giving us that personal perspective, Shawn makes this more than a dry book that looks at phobias as clinical or psychological beasts.

And that's good, because the psychological parts of this book are the weaker parts. Shawn spends most of his time talking about Freud, so opponents of Freud be warned! I haven't read enough to make an informed decision on Freud, but I would have liked to see a more thorough coverage of the various opinions on phobia. I don't question Freud's impact on psychology, considering he pretty much founded psychoanalysis. But as Shawn's own bibliography points out, there's so many other sources to consider.

Wish I Could Be There was an OK book but doesn't give you anything to go, "wow" about—hence the brief review. It didn't bore me out of mind, but unlike almost every book I read, there's nothing in particular about it that I want to celebrate.

[Colleen Clark · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been aware of this book, this story for a while. I was prompted to borrow it from a library and read it now because Shawn has a new book entitled "Twin" and will be speaking at my local bookstore next week.

I thought it was insightful and provocative. Part of the interest is that his father was the 2nd editor of The New Yorker and was a legend in his time. He was editor from 1952-1987. Allen Shawn's older brother is the writer and actor of some note, Wally Shawn ("My Dinner with Andre"). Allen Shawn is also accomplished - a pianist, composer, and professor at Bennington College. Further, before William Shawn died it became public knowledge that he led a double marital life - on the one hand the Shawn family, on the other he had a long-term relationship with a co-worker at The New Yorker. His wife knew but his sons did not.

So the fact that Allen Shawn suffers from several phobias which limit his life and also has chosen to write quite frankly about himself and his family is noteworthy.

I read some of the other GoodReads reviews. Some found his reviews of the state of the science of phobias irrelevant and tedious, but I read those with interest and learned a lot. I also thought it was his attempt to educate himself and not just us readers.

It seems that phobias are far more common than many of us realize and perhaps many of us can recognize how some of our own fears affect our lives.

I found it extremely interesting and will recommend it to people I know. And I look forward to his new book, which I expect will be more about his twin sister who is autistic and has been institutionalized since childhood. Twinning itself is a provocatively interesting psychological phenomenon.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

You first have to realize this is not a self-help book. The author is not promising a cure from this book, but a relief of not being alone in the strange world of phobias. I'm not cured of mine, but I am relieved that I am not the only one that feels insane. With brief references (and history) of Sigmund Freud ever now and then, a few relevant poems by Emily Dickinson, and inspiring quotes before the start of each chapter, this book will be an all-time favorite of mine. Allen Shawn had an interesting childhood.
There are some long points in which the author goes into great detail of psychology as well as neurology; I personally found it all interesting in relation to phobias. This is a non-fiction book; I would describe it as interesting rather than fun. Very enjoyable.

[Shiloh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a pretty dry account of various sources of panic and anxiety. The author goes really in depth into the physiological reasons until something that makes you feel crazy actually begins to look pretty simple and harmless. He also talks about genetics and childhood factors and some of the panic he's mastered in his own life.

Okay, I've read a little more into this and the second half is less dry (goes more into the author's personal life) and more compelling, so I am going to finish this one. He outlines some of Freud's insights into anxiety which is compelling in an age where Freud has encountered a lot of ridicule from a lot of people who may not have ever read a thing he wrote.

[Christopher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Notes from a phobic life, the subtitle of the book, is accurate. It really isn't a biography. It really isn't a memoir. It isn't even a book of philosophy. Shawn just assays himself like Montaigne, drawing deeply from his own life, and the result is smooth, interesting reading which is often Lewis Thomas-like. He is thoroughly and explicitly Darwinian and Freudian throughout, but I didn't hate him, which says a lot for his ability to bring the reader along. So four stars for enjoyment, ease, and interest of the reading and two for his crippling philosophy. Ergo three stars overall. Recommended, if you're interested in seeing life from a completely different (bad) perspective.

[Tamra Amato · Rating 5 out of 5]

Allen Shaw's insight into his illness is remarkable. How his illness shaped his life and the ways he could shape his own life in spite of his illness is inspirational. So many suffering from agoraphobia don't know how to put their experience and symptoms into words. Allen Shawn's words hold the experience of agoraphobia in a clear glass shell so we can see the intense reality of living with this illness.

A must read for all doctors (not just psychiatrists). Without accurate knowledge of this illness can leave undiagnosed sufferers on a costly and painful search, that, in too many cases, ends in death without ever finding any appropriate treatment or relief.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Allen goes back to examine his life, complete with phobias. Everything is stripped away and he is able to put together what it meant to let his twin sister go into an institution at age eight. (and he feared that he might be taken away as well) His father let a double life with another partner, but Allen didn't know it growing up. Still, he knew that something was "off" in his family. His mother held him close, and didn't want him to grow up. Allen comes to terms with these aspects of his life as well as his claustrophobia and agoraphobia. Also the author of the more recent book, Twin, which reveals more details about his autistic twin sister.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

At the points in the novel where the author discusses his twin sister, I was appalled. Why did the author insist on using the word "retarded" and discuss his sister in such a manner?

This memoir reads more like a dry report written by a first year college student who relies far too heavily on Freud quotes. Some points were interesting and gave me insight as a psych student, but it was mediocre at best. I was thrilled when I picked up this book, thinking it would be an insightful memoir. I didn't mind the clinical aspect because I spend a great deal of time reading such articles and research, but I'm sure most would want to walk away from this book. But, yay, neuroscience?

[Teresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book at a used book store, and thought it would be an interesting read because there is a history of specific phobias and panic attacks in family members . I applaud Shawn for his attempts to make sense of the phobias in his and his parents' lives, but unfortunately this book was extremely slow in places. I found the parts about his experiences extremely interesting and enlightening, but the scientific jargon and explanations were dull and uninteresting to me. I do feel I got a lot from this book, but due to the slow areas I just couldn't rate it above a 3.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the kind of book where the writer explores a broader phenomenon (in this case, anxiety and phobia) through the lens of personal experience. Unfortunately I wasn't as interested in the writer's personal experience as I was in the sections where he explores broader issues like the origins of anxiety disorders and phobias; those sections I found really fascinating and I would like to read more about that.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am enjoying this book very much. I am interested in anxiety/worry/panic, and especially in its origins - and Allen Shawn writes descriptions of the anxiety state with verisimilitude. As I have suspected - and as is verified in this book and other memoirs I have read, such a Family Romance by John Lanchester - an important cause of anxiety is learned suppression of emotions. I'll write more about this book when I'm finished.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a comprehensive study of phobias and how they impact the author's daily life. Shawn was the son of the long-time New Yorker editor and fraternal twin to a severely autistic sister. He makes an interesting correlation between his connection/ separation from Mary his twin and his own agoraphobia. I was reading this for my master's project and although I only got one or two ideas it was a fascinating read.