Stay Close and Do Nothing: A Spiritual and Practical Guide to Caring for the Dying at Home

by Merrill Collett

A step-by-step guide to caring for a terminally ill loved one offers practical nursing skills, effective pain treatments, and tips on handling visitors

240 pages, Hardcover

First published November 1, 1997

Reviews

[The Lifelong Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book on caregiving! I’m a hospice nurse so these ideas are familiar to me. I read nearly everything I can on death, dying, and caregiving to use in my work. This is one of my favorites. I have marked hundreds of passages and dog eared this 22 year old book. I’ve also done a fair amount of research into mindfulness and Buddhism which increased my comfort with this material. It’s all very basic and based on compassion and awareness. So glad I stumbled across this at a resale shop.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

For four years, author Merrill Collett was a full-time resident at the San Francisco Zen Center, and served as a volunteer caregiver at the Zen Hospice Project. In this capacity, he guided many people through their final days. In this book, he compiles the practical and spiritual lessons he learned, passing his wisdom on to others who wish to care for dying loved ones outside of a hospital setting. This book is somewhat of an instruction manual for those planning to care for the dying at home. In a culture that doesn't like to even think about death, much less talk about how to manage at, this book opens the door to a very valuable discussion of the needs of the dying and how caregivers can meet those needs.

This book is touching, empowering, informative, and entreating. It is also more or less four different books in one: at times a (Buddhist) spiritual guide, at times a practical guide, at times a memoir, and at times a history of home care. These different subjects are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but Collett doesn't do a great job of tying them together, and the result is that the book feels incredibly disjointed. The Buddhist spirituality seems to come out of nowhere at the beginning of the book; I would venture to guess that many people beginning their home caregiver journey aren't prepared for the more advanced, enlightened ideas and would benefit instead from a preliminary focus on more practical matters as they get acclimated to the task ahead (and come to terms with the reality of a loved one's dying).

Additionally, the advice on practical care is quite finely targeted. This confused me greatly until I had an aha! moment after about the third chapter or so and realized that, because much of Collett's experience comes from working with AIDS patients, his advice is framed by that experience and may be targeted to caregivers for this particular group of dying individuals. While there are certainly many parallels between their dying experience and that of cancer patients, those with dementia, the very old, the very young, etc., there is a level of nuance that seems too marked for what is written to be a general overview.

But the book remains an excellent practical guide overall, especially given that so few are available. Collett gives lists and lists of things to do -- one at the end of each chapter. And those these completely belie the title of Stay Close and Do Nothing, Collett entreats us again and again to stay close and do so much (instructions included), offering important guidance for those who wish to fill the desperately needed role of caregiver to those dying at home.