Getting to the Other Side of Grief

by Robert C. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Robert C. De Vries

This sensitive and biblically oriented book offers a roadmap for bereaved spouses on the journey through grief to resolution. Excellent for pastors, too.

Genres: Self Help, Grief, Nonfiction, Counselling

222 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1998

Reviews

[Candice · Rating 2 out of 5]

My brother gave me this book as a gift, which he purchased at a Christian bookstore. It's a self-help grief book for people whose spouses died, and it's written by two widowed people. It explores different areas of grief and widowhood, in the same format each chapter: after a brief introduction, half the chapter is written by one author, under the heading, "The Psychologist Says"; the other half of the chapter is written by the other author, under "The Pastor Says."

If you're looking for an overtly Christian analysis and guide to grief, then this could be a great book for you. I didn't like that element, however, and read only "The Psychologist Says" portions.

Otherwise ignoring the theological foundation of the book, I had some strong criticisms of the book. First, it addresses really only the first year of grief, an attitude that does a great disservice to a widow or widower reading this book, because I don't know any that have been "sufficiently healed" in only a year. With both of the authors being widowed themselves, I expected more sensitivity to the element of time in grief and just how long it takes to "get to the other side of grief" as they advertise in their title. Also, I felt very betrayed when I reached two-thirds of the way into the book and found out that the two authors are now married to one another. There was no indication of their cohabiting marital status in the book jacket, the end papers, the authors' bios, or in their names, so it was a big shock; the introduction said they were now married, but it never specifically said that they were married to each other. (And as a recent widow with limited attention span and awareness of details, it wasn't specified as clearly as I would have needed it to be.) I wanted to throw the book against the wall when I read the paragraph revealing their "secret" on page 141. It was an insult and a slap in the face when in the earliest, rawest stages of grief, that these two authors weren't portraying themselves honestly. I wanted a book about widowhood written by people who were widows, not married people! Why should I believe anything they wrote if they were dishonest about such an egregious fact in their lives? Granted, part of my reaction was irrational because of the then-recent nature of my loss, and if I had read it now, almost three years after my husband's death, I don't know that I would react in the same way. (Indeed, I just reread the introduction now, and the authors do state they began dating and remarried; it just never occurred to me as a new widow, upon first reading, that they meant to each other.) But I still had that reaction at the time of reading, still thought that they broke their covenant of trust with the reader, and it negatively affected my opinion of the book.

Its strengths, however, were that it was written from both a female and male perspective, and both a layperson and pastoral perspective. It's also intended for the relatively younger widow or widower who has not retired--a useful perspective for me as a reader who was widowed at 27. And it did touch upon many of the key issues of a young widow or widower.

Overall, the book had some big flaws for me, but I'm just one person. I don't recall having strong reactions against the "Psychologist Says" sections, so they must have been relatively decent. However, I've read other grief books that were much more satisfying, useful, and effective. But for someone wanting BOTH the psychological and the spiritual, Christian-based analyses, this could potentially be a very useful book; it just wasn't for me.

[Bethany Meadows · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book for dealing with grief after the loss of a spouse. A lot of things they mentioned I probably wasn’t ready for during the first few months after losing my husband. So I’m glad I read it several years out. Although there are also things that probably would have been helpful if I’d read sooner. So I think it could go either way.

It helped me process my grieving process and where I’m at in my grief journey 3.5 years after losing my husband to suicide.

Also written from a Biblical based perspective

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had just lost my fiancé and we had been together almost 10 years. This was a great help in coping.

[Charlene Kerr · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt this book had a lot of useful information to help me on my Grief journey. But, the one part that didn’t sit well with me is where they say that you have to Say Goodbye to your spouse in order to get to the other side of Grief. And once we reach the other side we will be through grieving for our spouses.

I think we might be done actively grieving, like in the beginning where all you can do is cry. But, I plan on always Grieving my husband...But, I will & am moving forward, day by day. And I don’t belief we ever reach a point, where you say congratulations I’m healed. I think Grief becomes us and that’s not a bad thing. If you look at Grief more as close friend that wants to talk about & love your spouse. Okay, friend let’s reminisce about him....Let’s love on him.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was not helpful at all. I started it five days after my husband died suddenly.

The author's giving a timeline on when to get rid of your deceased spouse's clothes, etc was ridiculous.

This book may provide comfort to some, the only satisfaction I will get out of it is when I throw it in the garbage can.

[Janna Odenthal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure how to rate this book. It was okay. Just not what I thought it was. No fault of the authors.

[Barbara Thayer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some Helpful Ideas

I felt understood and affirmed by many ideas presented in this book. I know I am not alone. However I did not like the concept of removing my wedding band or saying a final goodbye to my husband. We spent 55 years together....53 married. At 77, I am not looking for another marriage. While he is gone and not returning, I still have,a special spiritual connection that won't change. So there were areas of the book that offended my beliefs. However as a general guide to losing a spouse it offered some relief. A younger person might identify better with taking off the wedding band and moving on. Many of the widows I know would never consider this either.

[Eric Bradley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was given to me after my wife died unexpectedly in 2011, and I eventually found my way into the widow/ers support group that the two authors started (but had since passed on to other leaders). This book is very straightforward and practical, both of which were extremely helpful in the wake of bereavement. The book is written from a Christian perspective, although does not weigh too heavily into religion and did have some comments that the Christian reader may object to. However, overall a extremely helpful book and one that I have shared with others since.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

The second half of this revised and updated 2019 version is very practical, giving helpful suggestions to working through the loss of a spouse as it affects children, work, relationships, future, identity. Written by a couple who lost their spouses in the 90s. One is a psychologist and the other is a pastor.

[Glenda Bettin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found some of this book helpful but my husband also died at a young age 45 of cancer, 3 years later I met someone and we were married for 6 yrs when he also died of cancer. So I find some of the book hard to read

[Tracey Axnick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely exceptional. Since losing my spouse a year ago I have read probably close to a dozen books on grieving and adjusting to widowhood. This is far and away the best AND the most practical book I have read. I highly recommend this for any widow/widower.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the best book on grief I have read so far. Having lost my husband in March, this gave me some very practical things to do over the course of the first year that would help me process the grief in useful way. Both authors lost spouses and found each other in the interest of helping others and writing a book. One author is a psychologist and the other a pastor. Their advice is separated from each other ("The psychologist says" and "the pastor says") if you just want one view or the other. There are many assignments to help you work through the issues a little at a time ...so far I haven't seen this in another book.

[Cheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was soooo good! It was written by a woman (Psychologist) and a man (Pastor) who have both lost spouses and ended up marrying each other. It had both a man and a woman's point of view as well as a clinical and ecclestiastical viewpoint! It also had journaling activities to do. I found it very helpful. Sorry friends, I've been on a run of self-help books. I think this is my 12 th. Time to read something else!

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book I will read over and over because depending on where I am in my grief, I will be able to hear the comforting words from two people who know what it's like to have loved so deeply and lost so incredibly. The reminder that I was a whole person before my spouse died and after is refreshing and helps me look up and forward instead of down and back. The perspective of a psychologist and a pastor is incredible and I am pleased to have read this book.

[Paul Gerard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is written by a clinical psychologist and a minister. It provide both view on many areas of grieving. It is the best book that I have read on grieving the loss of a spouse. I would recommend this to anyone who has lost thier spouse.

[Monika · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this a few months after my husband passed away, but got into only the first chapter I just couldn't read it at that point. I picked it up again six months after he died and the book made sense to me and helped out a lot.

[Gailyn]

Helpful, practical and written by two authors who have lost their spouse and know first hand what is involved in losing your spouse

[L Campagnola]

Probably read it too soon. Parts of it pissed me off. Suggesting that the wedding ring should come off right away because the marriage is over at death was not helpful.