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The Trouble with Blame: Victims, Perpetrators, and Responsibility
Blame society. Blame a bad upbringing. Blame the circumstances. Blame the victim--she may even blame herself. But what about the perpetrator? When the blame is all assigned, will anyone be left to take responsibility?This powerful book takes up the disturbing topic of victimization and blame as a pathology of our time and its consequences for personal responsibility. By probing the psychological dynamics of victims and perpetrators of rape, sexual abuse, and domestic violence, Sharon Lamb seeks to answer some crucial How do victims become victims and sometimes perpetrators? How can we break the psychological circle of perpetrators blaming others and victims blaming themselves? How do victims and perpetrators view their actions and reactions? And how does our social response to them facilitate patterns of excuse?With clarity and compassion, Lamb examines the theories, excuses, and psychotherapies that strip both victims of their power and perpetrators of their agency--and thus deprive them of the means to human dignity, healing, and reparation. She shows how the current practice of painting victims as pure innocents may actually help perpetrators of abuse to shirk responsibility for their actions; they too can claim to be victims in their own right, passive and will-less in their wrongdoing.The Trouble with Blame clarifies the social cost (quickly becoming so apparent) of letting perpetrators off too easily, and points out the dangers of over-emphasizing victimization, two problems which eclipse our dire need for accountability and recovery.
- GenresNonfiction
Mass Market Paperback
First published January 1, 1996
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October 12, 2025
The Trouble With Blame discusses blame among perpetrators and victims of gendered violence.
Lamb states that although female victims of violence and rape tend to assign excessive fault for the crime to themselves, the social narrative about victims has gone too far in the opposite direction. Lamb suggests that the prevailing narrative that no victim could have behaved in any way to make her abuse less likely not only further diminishes her agency, but further shames and silences the many victims who do not fit society’s idea of an innocent, blameless victim. Lamb argues that this also provides abusers and their enablers with fuel to disregard victims’ rights movements as exaggerated. A movement that acknowledges a perpetrator’s full responsibility for his own behaviour should not be contingent on a victim’s blamelessness nor should it impose an excessive lack of agency on victims.
As well as discussing the extent of victim responsibility for the violent act itself, Lamb also cautions against the narrative that a victim lacks responsibility for her behaviour and adjustment after the violence. Lamb acknowledges that although many victims experience widespread negative effects after abuse, the idea that there are always lifelong and impossible to overcome struggles after abuse further diminishes victims’ sense of agency. It also suggests that male violence must result in lifelong negative consequences to be fully condemned, and that the immediate act of violence is not severe enough to warrant full condemnation.
The creation of this archetype of a life-long victim is not only commodified by popular media that serves to trivialise and sensationalise abuse, but the very idea that victimisation so routinely damages an individual beyond repair is then adopted by perpetrators themselves to justify and excuse their behaviour – for example, a child sex abuser minimising personal responsibility for his crime by claiming that he himself was victimised as a child.
For a book that was published thirty years ago I found elements of this to be an interesting reflection on the current state of public discourse. It feels that though abuse and violence have increasingly become hot topics, little of this has been of benefit to victims. And we don’t have to look far to see the myriad of well-known men who, on being accused of abuse, have turned the tables to co-opt the social role of victim.
Lamb also makes interesting points regarding backlash, men’s rights movements and critics who argue that the extent of abuse claims are overstated, which are worth reading.
One of the main issues I had with the book was the discussion around perpetrator responsibility and subsequent punishment/rehabilitation. Lamb discusses the perpetration of gendered violence from a developmental view, positing that empathy is not properly learnt during childhood by the perpetrator due to a range of enabling or excessively shame/punishment-based parenting styles. Lamb also mentions the role of gendered socialisation and expectations in the propagation of abuse by male perpetrators and its acceptance by female victims.
However, Lamb states, ultimately the perpetrator still has a choice over his behaviour, no matter his circumstances and is therefore always to be held fully accountable for his behaviour. She concludes by discussing the present lack of rehabilitation for perpetrators, and opining that an empathy-teaching, reparation-based punitive system would be most effective in rehabilitating perpetrators, as the empathy they did not correctly learn in childhood can be, finally, correctly taught in adulthood.
I found this characterisation of the perpetration of violence, particularly sexual violence, unsatisfactory. Let us use the example of child marriage, that has been widespread throughout much of history and still exists in many cultures today. Has every man in these cultures simply not correctly experienced a key developmental stage (the acquisition of empathy)? Or ignoring some unspecified innate moral compass that tells him the society he lives in, that treats child marriage as normal, is wrong?
Ultimately, Lamb appeals to an idea that perpetrators innately understand sexual violence to be wrong, regardless of their environments. She does not provide any evidence for this, nor address how this view can be reconciled with the widespread perpetration of violence against female victims throughout history. I think there are a great many points to make about a perpetrator’s personal responsibility for his behaviour, but I found the arguments Lamb gave against social culpability weak.
Also, although the acknowledgement that victims do not always behave in what society would deem ‘acceptable’ ways, as well as the recognition that there are behaviours that make victims more vulnerable to abuse, were helpful, I did not agree with Lamb’s suggestion that many victims could have prevented their abuse. She discusses a ten-year-old girl who is molested by her fourteen-year-old stepbrother as an example of this, which I felt was in particularly poor taste.
Lamb suggests that victims can put themselves in compromising positions or not fight back, which enables abuse, but I would argue that perpetrators seek out and create these vulnerable situations in which to abuse victims. Although Lamb states that acknowledgement of victim responsibility does not detract from perpetrator responsibility, I find this difficult to accept when such arguments obfuscate the intentionality of perpetrators in weaponizing these vulnerabilities.
An interesting read that explores some interesting questions, but leaves a lot to be desired.
Lamb states that although female victims of violence and rape tend to assign excessive fault for the crime to themselves, the social narrative about victims has gone too far in the opposite direction. Lamb suggests that the prevailing narrative that no victim could have behaved in any way to make her abuse less likely not only further diminishes her agency, but further shames and silences the many victims who do not fit society’s idea of an innocent, blameless victim. Lamb argues that this also provides abusers and their enablers with fuel to disregard victims’ rights movements as exaggerated. A movement that acknowledges a perpetrator’s full responsibility for his own behaviour should not be contingent on a victim’s blamelessness nor should it impose an excessive lack of agency on victims.
As well as discussing the extent of victim responsibility for the violent act itself, Lamb also cautions against the narrative that a victim lacks responsibility for her behaviour and adjustment after the violence. Lamb acknowledges that although many victims experience widespread negative effects after abuse, the idea that there are always lifelong and impossible to overcome struggles after abuse further diminishes victims’ sense of agency. It also suggests that male violence must result in lifelong negative consequences to be fully condemned, and that the immediate act of violence is not severe enough to warrant full condemnation.
The creation of this archetype of a life-long victim is not only commodified by popular media that serves to trivialise and sensationalise abuse, but the very idea that victimisation so routinely damages an individual beyond repair is then adopted by perpetrators themselves to justify and excuse their behaviour – for example, a child sex abuser minimising personal responsibility for his crime by claiming that he himself was victimised as a child.
For a book that was published thirty years ago I found elements of this to be an interesting reflection on the current state of public discourse. It feels that though abuse and violence have increasingly become hot topics, little of this has been of benefit to victims. And we don’t have to look far to see the myriad of well-known men who, on being accused of abuse, have turned the tables to co-opt the social role of victim.
Lamb also makes interesting points regarding backlash, men’s rights movements and critics who argue that the extent of abuse claims are overstated, which are worth reading.
One of the main issues I had with the book was the discussion around perpetrator responsibility and subsequent punishment/rehabilitation. Lamb discusses the perpetration of gendered violence from a developmental view, positing that empathy is not properly learnt during childhood by the perpetrator due to a range of enabling or excessively shame/punishment-based parenting styles. Lamb also mentions the role of gendered socialisation and expectations in the propagation of abuse by male perpetrators and its acceptance by female victims.
However, Lamb states, ultimately the perpetrator still has a choice over his behaviour, no matter his circumstances and is therefore always to be held fully accountable for his behaviour. She concludes by discussing the present lack of rehabilitation for perpetrators, and opining that an empathy-teaching, reparation-based punitive system would be most effective in rehabilitating perpetrators, as the empathy they did not correctly learn in childhood can be, finally, correctly taught in adulthood.
I found this characterisation of the perpetration of violence, particularly sexual violence, unsatisfactory. Let us use the example of child marriage, that has been widespread throughout much of history and still exists in many cultures today. Has every man in these cultures simply not correctly experienced a key developmental stage (the acquisition of empathy)? Or ignoring some unspecified innate moral compass that tells him the society he lives in, that treats child marriage as normal, is wrong?
Ultimately, Lamb appeals to an idea that perpetrators innately understand sexual violence to be wrong, regardless of their environments. She does not provide any evidence for this, nor address how this view can be reconciled with the widespread perpetration of violence against female victims throughout history. I think there are a great many points to make about a perpetrator’s personal responsibility for his behaviour, but I found the arguments Lamb gave against social culpability weak.
Also, although the acknowledgement that victims do not always behave in what society would deem ‘acceptable’ ways, as well as the recognition that there are behaviours that make victims more vulnerable to abuse, were helpful, I did not agree with Lamb’s suggestion that many victims could have prevented their abuse. She discusses a ten-year-old girl who is molested by her fourteen-year-old stepbrother as an example of this, which I felt was in particularly poor taste.
Lamb suggests that victims can put themselves in compromising positions or not fight back, which enables abuse, but I would argue that perpetrators seek out and create these vulnerable situations in which to abuse victims. Although Lamb states that acknowledgement of victim responsibility does not detract from perpetrator responsibility, I find this difficult to accept when such arguments obfuscate the intentionality of perpetrators in weaponizing these vulnerabilities.
An interesting read that explores some interesting questions, but leaves a lot to be desired.
August 10, 2025
Explores the psychological dynamics between victims and perpetrators in cases of sexual abuse and domestic violence.
How families enable perpetrators to evade responsibility for their actions, thus perpetuating a cycle where those family members may also blame the victim for the perpetrator’s behavior.
Well Wow.
I actually don't care about theories, explanations, rationales, or societal misconceptions at all.
No amt of $$ is worth my kids. I wouldn't give them up for any cost. At least one "parent" can say that. Perk of not being a psychopath.
I cared about my children. We actually won, not the freak or his evil parents (when psycho had his q107 radio campaign after hec served his jail sentence about the kids and I - I called them extremely upset saying take it down and what did his mother of the year say? - she only said"when are you going to go away?". I also left recordings of my rape on their answring machine. And the award for raising two spitting image sociopaths, one with mommy/female hatred issues, the other a bully goes to....
Our win is priceless. You can't buy back memories, family or time. The kids are Safe. Successful. Healthy. Happy. Loved. Money doesn't buy that.
The generational familial blame game is complete bullshit. I stood up to the entire machine. Alone. Myself. Bravely. The entire lot of trash people. All of them. Its scapegoating. It's wrong. And the harm it does to victims everywhere, including myself and my kids, is f*cking sickening.
I could not imagine if I found out I had helped harm a rape victim or domestic abuse/strangulation/traumatic head injury victim by assisting her abuser. Nevermind calling me a liar, or a gold digger. My kids were still in diapers. I had nothing. I couldn't imagine the shame I would feel.
I chose my kids vs 3x alimony. Some gold digger huh. That was the deal. Pathetic offer. I immediately took it, most protective moms would. I didn't care about the woe-is-me tales to hide the truth from others by an actually insane individual. The intermittent jail sentence and probation officers certainly didn't stop the constant lying.
No responsibility and bullsh*t stories to SO many people; just more (easily fooled though) victims. How trustworthy. Better get a 2nd service dog - all that post traumatic stress that ex cons, wifebeaters, and sex offenders suffer.
Sorry I didn't behave better while I was enduring abuse and rape for years. Maybe I should have not sworn at my rapist in court or the man who beat me or threatened to hurt my children on tape if I didn't send a letter to the crown on tape or send videos of myself. Believing a woman lied is easier than believing a guy is a psychopath wifebeating rapist. Even with solid in the moment recorded evidence or jail terms. I wasn't lying
A "person" (can you classify a monster as a person?) that only cares about parasitic activities, defrauding others, conning other entire families not just mine (MY family has heard all the tapes and yes heard me being raped, have seen with their own eyes injuries/blood/bruises, photos, drs notes, video - my Dad calls him "Son of a Bitch" and my Mom "Bastard" or "Insignificant Piece of Shit"- two people who don't swear), and lies over my two kids and their wellbeing since birth - can be left out forever. And his family that share the same "value" system. Holy crap they're vile. Everyone has said how can they live with themselves? No idea. They seem to do just fine. I couldn't. Never in my life would I harm another human being like they all have. Ever.
"The tree remembers what the axe forgets" - African proverb. Why I will never get over what these pieces of human waste did to me or my kids. Why his acts are illegal. Because you don't really recover. It all happened. It's all true. I will prove it soon. Waiting for a certain date. I've waited 12 yrs so far. These sick people will see and hear what they participated in.
Worst father ever certainly never been missed by my kids. They don't even remember what the old man looks like. He could walk by on the street and they wouldn't even know. They have never asked about him in their entire lives because he created no childhood bonds with them - too busy entertaining himself with various women, work, abuse, smoking, manipulation or drinking. Even after supervised access they only talked about how weird he made them feel and his bizarre stories - like recently catching a piranha in Lake Ontario or being famous, on and on (*seeing what he can get people to believe is his #1 past-time, even little kids). He never changes. Same tactic with everybody. Worked on me for almost a decade, 2005 on.
They don't care about their half-whatevers or paternal grandbetrayals whatsoever. I kept all the photos but they just aren't interested. I tried. I guess when you hurt kids' mothers (they do know), neglect those same kids and be self-absorbed, those kids grow up to not care who you are. That's karma.
The trouble with blame? There is no trouble. I don't give a crap if I'm blamed because the truth is coming out. And it's really good. Not my problem.
https://youtu.be/e5juCJz3-Og?feature=...
How families enable perpetrators to evade responsibility for their actions, thus perpetuating a cycle where those family members may also blame the victim for the perpetrator’s behavior.
Well Wow.
I actually don't care about theories, explanations, rationales, or societal misconceptions at all.
No amt of $$ is worth my kids. I wouldn't give them up for any cost. At least one "parent" can say that. Perk of not being a psychopath.
I cared about my children. We actually won, not the freak or his evil parents (when psycho had his q107 radio campaign after hec served his jail sentence about the kids and I - I called them extremely upset saying take it down and what did his mother of the year say? - she only said"when are you going to go away?". I also left recordings of my rape on their answring machine. And the award for raising two spitting image sociopaths, one with mommy/female hatred issues, the other a bully goes to....
Our win is priceless. You can't buy back memories, family or time. The kids are Safe. Successful. Healthy. Happy. Loved. Money doesn't buy that.
The generational familial blame game is complete bullshit. I stood up to the entire machine. Alone. Myself. Bravely. The entire lot of trash people. All of them. Its scapegoating. It's wrong. And the harm it does to victims everywhere, including myself and my kids, is f*cking sickening.
I could not imagine if I found out I had helped harm a rape victim or domestic abuse/strangulation/traumatic head injury victim by assisting her abuser. Nevermind calling me a liar, or a gold digger. My kids were still in diapers. I had nothing. I couldn't imagine the shame I would feel.
I chose my kids vs 3x alimony. Some gold digger huh. That was the deal. Pathetic offer. I immediately took it, most protective moms would. I didn't care about the woe-is-me tales to hide the truth from others by an actually insane individual. The intermittent jail sentence and probation officers certainly didn't stop the constant lying.
No responsibility and bullsh*t stories to SO many people; just more (easily fooled though) victims. How trustworthy. Better get a 2nd service dog - all that post traumatic stress that ex cons, wifebeaters, and sex offenders suffer.
Sorry I didn't behave better while I was enduring abuse and rape for years. Maybe I should have not sworn at my rapist in court or the man who beat me or threatened to hurt my children on tape if I didn't send a letter to the crown on tape or send videos of myself. Believing a woman lied is easier than believing a guy is a psychopath wifebeating rapist. Even with solid in the moment recorded evidence or jail terms. I wasn't lying
A "person" (can you classify a monster as a person?) that only cares about parasitic activities, defrauding others, conning other entire families not just mine (MY family has heard all the tapes and yes heard me being raped, have seen with their own eyes injuries/blood/bruises, photos, drs notes, video - my Dad calls him "Son of a Bitch" and my Mom "Bastard" or "Insignificant Piece of Shit"- two people who don't swear), and lies over my two kids and their wellbeing since birth - can be left out forever. And his family that share the same "value" system. Holy crap they're vile. Everyone has said how can they live with themselves? No idea. They seem to do just fine. I couldn't. Never in my life would I harm another human being like they all have. Ever.
"The tree remembers what the axe forgets" - African proverb. Why I will never get over what these pieces of human waste did to me or my kids. Why his acts are illegal. Because you don't really recover. It all happened. It's all true. I will prove it soon. Waiting for a certain date. I've waited 12 yrs so far. These sick people will see and hear what they participated in.
Worst father ever certainly never been missed by my kids. They don't even remember what the old man looks like. He could walk by on the street and they wouldn't even know. They have never asked about him in their entire lives because he created no childhood bonds with them - too busy entertaining himself with various women, work, abuse, smoking, manipulation or drinking. Even after supervised access they only talked about how weird he made them feel and his bizarre stories - like recently catching a piranha in Lake Ontario or being famous, on and on (*seeing what he can get people to believe is his #1 past-time, even little kids). He never changes. Same tactic with everybody. Worked on me for almost a decade, 2005 on.
They don't care about their half-whatevers or paternal grandbetrayals whatsoever. I kept all the photos but they just aren't interested. I tried. I guess when you hurt kids' mothers (they do know), neglect those same kids and be self-absorbed, those kids grow up to not care who you are. That's karma.
The trouble with blame? There is no trouble. I don't give a crap if I'm blamed because the truth is coming out. And it's really good. Not my problem.
https://youtu.be/e5juCJz3-Og?feature=...
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews