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The Ring Makes All the Difference : The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage(Paperback) - 2017 Edition
Cohabitation is hands-down the fastest growing family form in the United States and most Western nations. Most of these couples view the arrangement as a step toward marriage, or as a substitute for marriage. But does living together truly give people what they are longing for' Author Glenn Stanton offers a compelling factual case that nearly every area of health and happiness is increased by marriage and decreased by cohabitation.How can young couples determine if moving in together is a wise move' With more than half of American women now cohabitating sometime in their adult lives, pastors and counselors need to be prepared to advise young adults with factual and scriptural truth. With credible data and compassion, Stanton explores the reasons why the cohabitation trend is growing; outlines its negative outcomes for men, women and children; and makes a case for why marriage is still the best arrangement for the flourishing of couples and society.
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First published August 19, 2011
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January 17, 2012
I’ve often heard my peers say things like that living together is a safe way to “test out” a relationship to see if it is going to work before you make a permanent commitment to marriage, or that they are “practically married” and don’t need a piece of paper to solidify their relationship. I confess I’ve often been rather tongue tied, not knowing how to respond.
When I saw that there was a book compiling the findings of four decades worth of scientific studies on the impact that living together has on relationships, I was instantly interested. This fascinating book explains research findings on the effects of cohabitation on a wide range of relational issues and shows some surprising results, such as that:
• Couples who live together before getting married are 50-80% (!) more likely to get divorced than couples who have not lived together beforehand (l. 949)
• The rate of violence for cohabiting couples is twice as high as for married couples, and the rate for “severe” violence is nearly five times greater (l. 679.) Similarly, women living with boyfriends are nine times more likely to be murdered by their partner than married women (l. 695)
• Live-in boyfriends are nearly four times more likely to cheat than husbands (l. 704), and men who cohabited before marriage are more likely to cheat after they get married
• Married men typically spend 8 more hours a week helping with housework than live-in boyfriends (l. 753) and contribute more financially (l.2084)
• Living together without relational clarity/commitment tends to foster controlling and manipulative behavior patterns, which continue into marriage (l. 1076)
• Married individuals have health benefits roughly equivalent to being ten years younger than they are, whereas living together shows no such benefits (l. 1641)
• Although cohabitation was originally presented as a way to give women more freedom and power in relationships, studies overwhelming show that men benefit more from living together than women do (l. 1840)
The book was particularly fascinating to me because it simply focused on presenting research findings from respectable institutions, not on interpreting the results or presenting a religious viewpoint on relationships. The author does briefly discuss Biblical teachings about marriage and relationships in two chapters, but the bulk of the book examines the scientific evidence from the studies on cohabitation.
The well-documented and overwhelming conclusion from the dozens of research studies is that living together before marriage is one of the absolute worst things a couple can do in terms of its negative effects on their overall wellbeing and chance of having a happy, long-term relationship. I have seen many times that God knows what he’s talking about and says what he does because he wants me to be happy, but it is fascinating to see so much secular research from well-respected institutions clearly backing up Biblical commands.
This is a great resource for anyone trying to make decisions about their relationships or helping friends do so. The book points out that, thanks to four decades of research, “couples today considering marriage or cohabitation can make informed decisions about what type of relationship is more likely to lead to the happiness, intimacy, and longevity they seek. Smart couples will make use of such an opportunity” (l. 579).
Note: I have the Kindle edition, so citations reference Kindle locations (l.) instead of page numbers.
When I saw that there was a book compiling the findings of four decades worth of scientific studies on the impact that living together has on relationships, I was instantly interested. This fascinating book explains research findings on the effects of cohabitation on a wide range of relational issues and shows some surprising results, such as that:
• Couples who live together before getting married are 50-80% (!) more likely to get divorced than couples who have not lived together beforehand (l. 949)
• The rate of violence for cohabiting couples is twice as high as for married couples, and the rate for “severe” violence is nearly five times greater (l. 679.) Similarly, women living with boyfriends are nine times more likely to be murdered by their partner than married women (l. 695)
• Live-in boyfriends are nearly four times more likely to cheat than husbands (l. 704), and men who cohabited before marriage are more likely to cheat after they get married
• Married men typically spend 8 more hours a week helping with housework than live-in boyfriends (l. 753) and contribute more financially (l.2084)
• Living together without relational clarity/commitment tends to foster controlling and manipulative behavior patterns, which continue into marriage (l. 1076)
• Married individuals have health benefits roughly equivalent to being ten years younger than they are, whereas living together shows no such benefits (l. 1641)
• Although cohabitation was originally presented as a way to give women more freedom and power in relationships, studies overwhelming show that men benefit more from living together than women do (l. 1840)
The book was particularly fascinating to me because it simply focused on presenting research findings from respectable institutions, not on interpreting the results or presenting a religious viewpoint on relationships. The author does briefly discuss Biblical teachings about marriage and relationships in two chapters, but the bulk of the book examines the scientific evidence from the studies on cohabitation.
The well-documented and overwhelming conclusion from the dozens of research studies is that living together before marriage is one of the absolute worst things a couple can do in terms of its negative effects on their overall wellbeing and chance of having a happy, long-term relationship. I have seen many times that God knows what he’s talking about and says what he does because he wants me to be happy, but it is fascinating to see so much secular research from well-respected institutions clearly backing up Biblical commands.
This is a great resource for anyone trying to make decisions about their relationships or helping friends do so. The book points out that, thanks to four decades of research, “couples today considering marriage or cohabitation can make informed decisions about what type of relationship is more likely to lead to the happiness, intimacy, and longevity they seek. Smart couples will make use of such an opportunity” (l. 579).
Note: I have the Kindle edition, so citations reference Kindle locations (l.) instead of page numbers.
October 10, 2014
“Cohabiting men are less interested in marriage, and if they marry, they become different kinds of husbands.”
Did you know that cohabiting couples pay higher insurance rates? Did you know that children in homes with a non-biological related parent is eight times more likely to die of maltreatment? The majority of statistics in this book is from 2009 and according to the newscasts I watch probably has risen significantly since then.
Two of many points covered are,
(1) “…living together has seen explosive growth as boys fail or refuse to become men---while still getting what they want from their female peers who desire husbands: companionship, regular sex, and someone to cook and clean for them. We will look in chapter 7 at how women fare in the cohabitation deal compared to their boyfriends.”
(2) …marriage establishes the relationship on the woman’s terms, while cohabitation establishes the relationship on the man’s terms. This is important for women to know for themselves, for their girlfriends, and also for their daughters. Let’s look at why scientists are confirming what our grandmas took as common sense all along.”
Even though this is a Christian guide on the subject and differences between cohabitation and marriage, scripture and God’s view does not appear until chapter eight of this nine-chapter book. Glenn Stanton discusses the statistics, case studies, and scientific research around the world pertaining to cohabitation versus marriage. These interesting case studies approach from couples living together outside of a committed marriage and those who are in committed marriages reflect their feelings on the subject matter at hand.
Each chapter has Questions for Couples, Recommended Resources (for further reading), Notes (citations), and blank pages for your own notes. I truly enjoyed reading this book and learned that cohabiting may not be the best path leading to the altar of marriage for some and without God in the mix or having true commitment of marriage, your living arrangements will not live up to the hype. I recommend both women and men read this informative book on what is true commitment whether you are Christian or not.
I received this book free from MP Newsroom reviewer program in exchange for an honest opinion in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission Guidelines.
Did you know that cohabiting couples pay higher insurance rates? Did you know that children in homes with a non-biological related parent is eight times more likely to die of maltreatment? The majority of statistics in this book is from 2009 and according to the newscasts I watch probably has risen significantly since then.
Two of many points covered are,
(1) “…living together has seen explosive growth as boys fail or refuse to become men---while still getting what they want from their female peers who desire husbands: companionship, regular sex, and someone to cook and clean for them. We will look in chapter 7 at how women fare in the cohabitation deal compared to their boyfriends.”
(2) …marriage establishes the relationship on the woman’s terms, while cohabitation establishes the relationship on the man’s terms. This is important for women to know for themselves, for their girlfriends, and also for their daughters. Let’s look at why scientists are confirming what our grandmas took as common sense all along.”
Even though this is a Christian guide on the subject and differences between cohabitation and marriage, scripture and God’s view does not appear until chapter eight of this nine-chapter book. Glenn Stanton discusses the statistics, case studies, and scientific research around the world pertaining to cohabitation versus marriage. These interesting case studies approach from couples living together outside of a committed marriage and those who are in committed marriages reflect their feelings on the subject matter at hand.
Each chapter has Questions for Couples, Recommended Resources (for further reading), Notes (citations), and blank pages for your own notes. I truly enjoyed reading this book and learned that cohabiting may not be the best path leading to the altar of marriage for some and without God in the mix or having true commitment of marriage, your living arrangements will not live up to the hype. I recommend both women and men read this informative book on what is true commitment whether you are Christian or not.
I received this book free from MP Newsroom reviewer program in exchange for an honest opinion in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission Guidelines.
September 17, 2020
Dnf 60%
Скучно и неумно написано
Скучно и неумно написано
December 10, 2016
This book is a brazen slap in the face to any happy family that falls outside of the confines of married man, woman, and kids. The health of a relationship is measured by its fruit: happiness, honesty, loyalty, and mature decisions that effect financial stability, education, healthy choices and the like.
Saying that couples "slide into" cohabitation versus arriving there via a planned maneuver isn't generally true. But even more concerning is that assumption that cohabitation is a trial for marriage, a sad facsimile for The Real Deal. In reality it's an end unto itself.
Comparing traditional marriage to cohabitation between mature adults is as accurate as comparing a fully restored 1969 Mustang to a BMW M3: same net result (a beautiful means of transportation) but customized, or indidualized, to meet human needs. Neither is superior or results in a "slide" to the other.
I'll close this out with a two little nuggets of stupid I choked on before I just quit highlighting altogether.
"The negotiating between couples who are married is quite different...a wife is a much more powerful player in the relationship than a girlfriend."
If there's inequality in negotiations, the root cause is a bad pairing, not the name for it.
"Marriage is a way of making [a heavy investment in the union] plausible by telling each party that they are united forever, and if they wish to dissolve this union, they will have to go through an elaborate and possibly costly legal ritual called divorce."
Translation: To invest in and commit fully to a relationship with another we impose a self-inflicted monetary penalty, because trust isn't enough.
Saying that couples "slide into" cohabitation versus arriving there via a planned maneuver isn't generally true. But even more concerning is that assumption that cohabitation is a trial for marriage, a sad facsimile for The Real Deal. In reality it's an end unto itself.
Comparing traditional marriage to cohabitation between mature adults is as accurate as comparing a fully restored 1969 Mustang to a BMW M3: same net result (a beautiful means of transportation) but customized, or indidualized, to meet human needs. Neither is superior or results in a "slide" to the other.
I'll close this out with a two little nuggets of stupid I choked on before I just quit highlighting altogether.
"The negotiating between couples who are married is quite different...a wife is a much more powerful player in the relationship than a girlfriend."
If there's inequality in negotiations, the root cause is a bad pairing, not the name for it.
"Marriage is a way of making [a heavy investment in the union] plausible by telling each party that they are united forever, and if they wish to dissolve this union, they will have to go through an elaborate and possibly costly legal ritual called divorce."
Translation: To invest in and commit fully to a relationship with another we impose a self-inflicted monetary penalty, because trust isn't enough.
May 9, 2024
Книга написано чоловіком про почуття жінок… А отже, ми отримали і образи на феміністок, і засудження людей які обирають співжиття та не одружуються.
Багато тригерних моментів, нижче приведу приклад.
« Еле одна студентка, которую Степп нам представила, говорит, что секс надоел ей до такой степени, что она даже читала журнал, пока парни использовали ее. Блестящая статусная женщина, она получила образование мирового класса, но чем она отличалась от проститутки?»
Все змішалося «люди і коні», в нас тут:бідність, насилля над дітьми, гріхопадіння жінок, що займалися сексом до шлюбу, а головне, алкоголізм та наркоманія.
Досліди, на яких базується книга, 70-80 років минулого століття, а найсвіжіший приклад та книга, на яку робить опір автор, 2008 року. Чи може це все бути актуально в 2020х ?
Багато тригерних моментів, нижче приведу приклад.
« Еле одна студентка, которую Степп нам представила, говорит, что секс надоел ей до такой степени, что она даже читала журнал, пока парни использовали ее. Блестящая статусная женщина, она получила образование мирового класса, но чем она отличалась от проститутки?»
Все змішалося «люди і коні», в нас тут:бідність, насилля над дітьми, гріхопадіння жінок, що займалися сексом до шлюбу, а головне, алкоголізм та наркоманія.
Досліди, на яких базується книга, 70-80 років минулого століття, а найсвіжіший приклад та книга, на яку робить опір автор, 2008 року. Чи може це все бути актуально в 2020х ?
March 10, 2017
Interesting research regarding cohabitation vs. marriage, especially how cohabiting benefits men more than women. Though he tried to remain neutral, at times the author's tone struck me as a bit preachy, and he occasionally strayed off topic (talking about feminism, abortion, etc.), which I feel could make this book less appealing to those without his same faith background than it might have been had it remained more focused. I liked the specific examples of family/social/financial situations that compared the subtle dynamics of what could differ between cohabiting couples vs married.
January 31, 2017
If I had an unmarried daughter of any age, childless or a mother, I would urge her to read this book. In study after study, all the facts point to the great gulf that lies between marriage and cohabitation. It is so easy to slide into a relationship that will almost certainly fall short of what everyone hopes to have -- a happy marriage. This book will convince you that cohabiting is the most direct route to disappointment. Highly recommended.
September 19, 2018
This gave me a very good insight into the difference between cohabitation and marriage. There were many statistics and causes of doing either or and from what I got from this, it's better to get married first, instead of first cohabitating and then getting married.
Marriage is more reliable, is the cause for longer health, happiness and so much more.
Marriage is more. Don't settle for less!
Marriage is more reliable, is the cause for longer health, happiness and so much more.
Marriage is more. Don't settle for less!
January 22, 2024
I'm not personally or politically against marriage, but this book, despite its explicit motive to proclaim the values of marriage (specifically as a better alternative to the termed "cohabitation", made marriage look about as appealing as no sodium beef jerky.
March 19, 2017
I think everyone should read this. This book gave me a lot to think about. For my future and for my current relationship.
October 26, 2020
Thank you for your work!!!
I would recommend this book to my son. Also for many other young people who concider cohabitation before marriage. Thank you
I would recommend this book to my son. Also for many other young people who concider cohabitation before marriage. Thank you
January 3, 2013
In The Ring Makes All the Difference, Glenn T. Stanton has written a book about cohabitation and living together without having to say I do. This book explored the science behind relationships and cohabitation and one static stated that “more 60 percent of all marriages are preceded by some form of cohabitation” (Page 11). Research is showing that many women in their thirties are intently getting pregnant because their biological clocks are ticking. And they desperately want children but they are unable to find a man who wants to be married first. So women are settling.
Most of the people who are living together are hiding behind the excuses and the fear of what if we get married and get divorced. They reason that wouldn’t it be easier to live together and test drive the relationship before we actually get married. This could include sex whenever we desire it and we believe cohabitation is the fastest way to fall in love. But cohabitation doesn’t guarantee a person won’t cheat around in the relationship or have sex with somebody else. Without the ring and the commitment of marriage people are free to do whatever they please. With marriage there is a commitment of their word.
People who participate in cohabitation before marriage have higher divorce rates when/if they get married. They also have higher rates of “adultery, alcohol, drugs, and independence than couples who did not cohabit” (Page 61). Children also suffer from cohabitation and research displays that they will have more problems in school if their parents allow their unmarried partner to move in with them.
I would recommend this astonishing book to anyone who is considering and wondering what is the importance of waiting until they’re married to live together. This book will stress the research behind not cohabitating before marriage. This book is for teenagers, college students, and adults who are pondering the benefits of marriage. If you’re thinking that test driving the relationship would be easier to promise that the future marriage would work out. Then this book will change that belief. I personally have never cohabitated or let someone move in with me. I won’t until we are husband and wife. Trusting and committing to marriage is a huge risk but it’s an even bigger risk cohabitating and hoping that it will one day lead to marriage.
"I received this book free from the publisher through the Moody Publishers book review bloggers program."
Most of the people who are living together are hiding behind the excuses and the fear of what if we get married and get divorced. They reason that wouldn’t it be easier to live together and test drive the relationship before we actually get married. This could include sex whenever we desire it and we believe cohabitation is the fastest way to fall in love. But cohabitation doesn’t guarantee a person won’t cheat around in the relationship or have sex with somebody else. Without the ring and the commitment of marriage people are free to do whatever they please. With marriage there is a commitment of their word.
People who participate in cohabitation before marriage have higher divorce rates when/if they get married. They also have higher rates of “adultery, alcohol, drugs, and independence than couples who did not cohabit” (Page 61). Children also suffer from cohabitation and research displays that they will have more problems in school if their parents allow their unmarried partner to move in with them.
I would recommend this astonishing book to anyone who is considering and wondering what is the importance of waiting until they’re married to live together. This book will stress the research behind not cohabitating before marriage. This book is for teenagers, college students, and adults who are pondering the benefits of marriage. If you’re thinking that test driving the relationship would be easier to promise that the future marriage would work out. Then this book will change that belief. I personally have never cohabitated or let someone move in with me. I won’t until we are husband and wife. Trusting and committing to marriage is a huge risk but it’s an even bigger risk cohabitating and hoping that it will one day lead to marriage.
"I received this book free from the publisher through the Moody Publishers book review bloggers program."
March 26, 2016
Just last month there was an article in the Oprah Magazine entitled "Seven Reasons Not To Get Married" which more than perturbed me. As a Christian Wife and Mother it's truly heartbreaking to see the sacred institute of Marriage vanish and lose it's importance. Marriage is to be cherished and enjoyed. Glenn T. Stanton confirms in his book "The Ring Makes All The Difference The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and The Strong Benefits of Marriage" that couples are not only happier but more healthy, more wise financially and more stable when they are married rather than just living together. He points out that it is the attitude especially among males who don't find a significant reason to marry and the woman is the one who suffers most in the long run, Ladies, God did not expect us to settle. He truly wants the best for us. Stanton devotes a chapter on how women lose their power in a relationship by not being married and that their partner doesn't take them seriously as they would if they were married. This flows out to neighbors, extended families and others who inwardly feel a lack of confidence in the female who has not made that step. Possibly because it is the woman who influences the man on how he will treat her. Through extended research within the past few decades, it has been proven that coupons who are unable to marry, never give their all to their partners. They are holding back whether it be for fear or just because they don't want that total commitment. Mr. Stanton does a superb job in confirming that Marriage is just not a piece of paper. I was given the fine opportunity of reading this book from Moody Publishers in exchange for my thoughts.
May 11, 2016
This is an amazing book written from a sociological viewpoint on why marriage matters. The author has combed thousands of studies from major secular and Christian universities here in America as well as in Europe to find their conclusions on why marriage matters and how much it does matter. To be honest, before reading this book, the only reason I had for saying someone shouldn't live together before marriage was "because God says so."
I was shocked at how drastic some of the findings were in favor of marriage over cohabitation. Especially findings from liberal colleges such as UCLA and Harvard.
I will warn people that while the author does say he is a Christian, he barely references Scripture at all. His goal was to address the social science side of relationships and he achieves that beautifully!
I was shocked at how drastic some of the findings were in favor of marriage over cohabitation. Especially findings from liberal colleges such as UCLA and Harvard.
I will warn people that while the author does say he is a Christian, he barely references Scripture at all. His goal was to address the social science side of relationships and he achieves that beautifully!
August 11, 2015
I thought this book was really good. The author has obviously done his research and has several points on various areas of cohabitation. I only had one problem. I thought it lacked depth for a couple of his points (out of the many he gave). He'd give two broad reasons but then didn't expand.
January 21, 2016
The dangers of cohabitation are many and this book does a great job of pointing all of them out. We often struggle as Christians trying to explain why living together before marriage is a bad idea. This book gives us the studies and explanations needed to guide young couples into marriage.
Want to read
October 26, 2011He works at Focus on the Family & was on the radio 10/14/11 discussing the research
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