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Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways: A Memoir
A PEOPLE magazine pick, Best Books Fall 2023: “A breathtaking memoir about surviving a horrifying childhood; Means...transforms memories...into a work of art.”
Starred review from Kirkus : “This book is an outstanding debut…A harrowing and soulful memoir to be read, savored, and reread."
“Brittany Means has pieced together the shards of a devastating childhood in this powerful memoir. It’s gut-wrenching but at the same time triumphant, harrowing yet exquisitely told. Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways is a story of survival that left me choked up and cheering.”
–Jeannette Walls, author of The Glass Castle
“The book's lasting impact might be what it demands of the memoir genre. Brittany Means has, at once, created the most readable and the most psychologically rigorous book I've read in decades. I needed the reminder that art can do this.”
–Kiese Laymon, author of Heavy
“I can’t write a story about myself as the sad, quiet child of two drug addicts. That’s not how it was, even when it was. To me, sleeping in the car was normal. Better, it was comfy and fun. I loved my bed made of clothes inside a trash bag that I sank into slowly like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family movie. . . . I loved the motels and their swimming pools and trashy daytime TV channels. . . . Nobody could tell us what to do.”
Brittany Means’s childhood was a blur of highways and traumas that collapsed any effort to track time. Riding shotgun as her mother struggled to escape abusive relationships, Brittany didn’t care where they were going—to a roadside midwestern motel, a shelter, or The Barn in Indiana, the cluttered mansion her Pentecostal grandparents called home—as long as they were together. But every so often, her mom would surprise her—and leave.
As Brittany grew older and questioned her own complicated relationships and the poverty, abuse, and instability that enveloped her, she began to recognize that hell wasn’t only the place she read about in the Bible; it was the cycle of violence that entrapped her family. Through footholds such as horror movies, neuropsychology, and strong bonds, Brittany makes sense of this cycle and finds a way to leave it.
While untangling the web of her most painful memories, Brittany crafts a tale of self-preservation, resilience, and hope with a unique narrative style—a sparkling example of the human ability to withstand the most horrific experiences and still thrive.
Starred review from Kirkus : “This book is an outstanding debut…A harrowing and soulful memoir to be read, savored, and reread."
“Brittany Means has pieced together the shards of a devastating childhood in this powerful memoir. It’s gut-wrenching but at the same time triumphant, harrowing yet exquisitely told. Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways is a story of survival that left me choked up and cheering.”
–Jeannette Walls, author of The Glass Castle
“The book's lasting impact might be what it demands of the memoir genre. Brittany Means has, at once, created the most readable and the most psychologically rigorous book I've read in decades. I needed the reminder that art can do this.”
–Kiese Laymon, author of Heavy
“I can’t write a story about myself as the sad, quiet child of two drug addicts. That’s not how it was, even when it was. To me, sleeping in the car was normal. Better, it was comfy and fun. I loved my bed made of clothes inside a trash bag that I sank into slowly like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family movie. . . . I loved the motels and their swimming pools and trashy daytime TV channels. . . . Nobody could tell us what to do.”
Brittany Means’s childhood was a blur of highways and traumas that collapsed any effort to track time. Riding shotgun as her mother struggled to escape abusive relationships, Brittany didn’t care where they were going—to a roadside midwestern motel, a shelter, or The Barn in Indiana, the cluttered mansion her Pentecostal grandparents called home—as long as they were together. But every so often, her mom would surprise her—and leave.
As Brittany grew older and questioned her own complicated relationships and the poverty, abuse, and instability that enveloped her, she began to recognize that hell wasn’t only the place she read about in the Bible; it was the cycle of violence that entrapped her family. Through footholds such as horror movies, neuropsychology, and strong bonds, Brittany makes sense of this cycle and finds a way to leave it.
While untangling the web of her most painful memories, Brittany crafts a tale of self-preservation, resilience, and hope with a unique narrative style—a sparkling example of the human ability to withstand the most horrific experiences and still thrive.
298 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 3, 2023
91 people are currently reading
12877 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 176 reviews
December 2, 2023
Brittany Means debut novel, Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways: A Memoir is a memoir that deals with abuse, addiction, poverty, and Christian evangelism. It is poignant, horrifying, and sad.
Memoir is my favorite genre and I listened to it on audiobook. The flow of the story arc, at times, could be improved and sometimes there were granular details about Means' childhood that slowed the pace of the journey.
Memoir is my favorite genre and I listened to it on audiobook. The flow of the story arc, at times, could be improved and sometimes there were granular details about Means' childhood that slowed the pace of the journey.
November 26, 2023
A really difficult story but written with remarkable authenticity, reflection, and dexterity.
August 28, 2023
I want to start this off by emphasising that this book touches on very heavy subjects such as abuse, sexual abuse, addiction and many more. Please don’t read this memoir if those are triggering subjects for you.
This wouldn’t have been an easy story to tell, or an easy story to relive so that they can write it down to share in this book so I want to commend Brittany’s strength for sharing this with others.
No one should ever have to go through half of the things that Brittany did throughout her life and I have no words to describe how proud I am of them for using their voice and for sharing their story. As a victim myself, I look at her strength and it helps me remember that I’m not alone.
I can’t wait to see what comes next for Brittany and I can’t wait to be there to support her in any way.
Thank you to NetGalley and Zibby Books for providing me with this ARC. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
This wouldn’t have been an easy story to tell, or an easy story to relive so that they can write it down to share in this book so I want to commend Brittany’s strength for sharing this with others.
No one should ever have to go through half of the things that Brittany did throughout her life and I have no words to describe how proud I am of them for using their voice and for sharing their story. As a victim myself, I look at her strength and it helps me remember that I’m not alone.
I can’t wait to see what comes next for Brittany and I can’t wait to be there to support her in any way.
Thank you to NetGalley and Zibby Books for providing me with this ARC. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
October 4, 2023
This is a strong debut. Really sad story. The way adults and the world can be so cruel to children is just overwhelmingly clear in this book. I liked the writing but felt there was something not right with the editing and overall structure of the book. I look forward to whatever she writes next.
October 9, 2023
Some people have said to me, “You love memoirs,” as if this somehow defines me. As if I will love every memoir I encounter. As if simply slapping the word memoir on the cover will guarantee my approval of the book. As if I cannot read a memoir objectively because I love memoirs, therefore, I will love every memoir I open and eventually close.
Let it be known that I have hated some memoirs. I have abandoned some memoirs. I do love the bravery conjured in sharing one’s raw and shocking story, but I do not always enjoy the way the story is shared.
I say this because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings when I say I absolutely loved this memoir, as if it’s a given that I would love it since loving memoirs is what I do..
But, reading friends, make no mistake: This was not an enjoyable read. It was lyrically conveyed, which was absolute sweetness to consume, but it was bursting with the sad, scary, and confusing experiences of a dysfunctional childhood. I was especially impressed with the extraordinary insight and compassion exhibited by the author. Despite the brutality of her history, Brittany delivered the details with such gentle care.
I couldn’t relate to every experience Brittany endured in her childhood, but what she revealed about how her anxiety and trauma responses manifest were things that resonated with me. I found this oddly soothing, as if a good friend was telling me that she understood me because she struggles in similar ways. This is not why I read memoirs, as I read them to learn other people’s stories, but it is a beneficial aspect I sometimes encounter while reading them. It’s like finding my own little support group through books.
I hope Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways will find a way into the spotlight. If you worry that it may be too heavy, I understand, but I promise Brittany Means found a way to make it meaningful and hopeful as she grew into adulthood. She did not fail to accentuate the positive, and she is strong and wise enough to see beauty in the brokenness of the people who loved and hurt her.
I am immensely grateful to Libro.fm, Zibby Books, and Brittany Means for my copy. All opinions are my own.
Let it be known that I have hated some memoirs. I have abandoned some memoirs. I do love the bravery conjured in sharing one’s raw and shocking story, but I do not always enjoy the way the story is shared.
I say this because I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings when I say I absolutely loved this memoir, as if it’s a given that I would love it since loving memoirs is what I do..
But, reading friends, make no mistake: This was not an enjoyable read. It was lyrically conveyed, which was absolute sweetness to consume, but it was bursting with the sad, scary, and confusing experiences of a dysfunctional childhood. I was especially impressed with the extraordinary insight and compassion exhibited by the author. Despite the brutality of her history, Brittany delivered the details with such gentle care.
I couldn’t relate to every experience Brittany endured in her childhood, but what she revealed about how her anxiety and trauma responses manifest were things that resonated with me. I found this oddly soothing, as if a good friend was telling me that she understood me because she struggles in similar ways. This is not why I read memoirs, as I read them to learn other people’s stories, but it is a beneficial aspect I sometimes encounter while reading them. It’s like finding my own little support group through books.
I hope Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways will find a way into the spotlight. If you worry that it may be too heavy, I understand, but I promise Brittany Means found a way to make it meaningful and hopeful as she grew into adulthood. She did not fail to accentuate the positive, and she is strong and wise enough to see beauty in the brokenness of the people who loved and hurt her.
I am immensely grateful to Libro.fm, Zibby Books, and Brittany Means for my copy. All opinions are my own.
October 6, 2023
With raw emotion and dry wit Brittany Means tells the story of her traumatic childhood in her memoir HELL IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR WAYS. Brittany came into this world as a result of a sexual assault from a man with unknown heritage. As her single mother struggles with addiction and mental health issues leading to a nomadic life of poverty, Brittany is left to make sense of her heritage, identity and find her voice amidst the generational trauma.
I’d highly recommend the audiobook narrated by the author with a brief cameo from her brother. This is a hard story but one that is not devoid of hope and redemption. Pick up HELL IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR WAYS now or add it to your Nonfiction November lineup!
RATING: 4/5
PUB DATE: October 3, 2023
Many thanks to Zibby Books and Libro FM for an electronic ARC and ALC.
I’d highly recommend the audiobook narrated by the author with a brief cameo from her brother. This is a hard story but one that is not devoid of hope and redemption. Pick up HELL IF WE DON’T CHANGE OUR WAYS now or add it to your Nonfiction November lineup!
RATING: 4/5
PUB DATE: October 3, 2023
Many thanks to Zibby Books and Libro FM for an electronic ARC and ALC.
November 20, 2023
Full review on my blog!
Thank you to the author Brittany Means, publishers Zibby Books, and NetGalley, for an advance digital copy of HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS. All views are mine.
Opening Quote: I can tell you that having certainty is sometimes a mirage you create for yourself so you can keep taking steps through the sand. Loc.1875
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. At the end of this book, a lot of readers may hold that Brittany's mom doesn't deserve her children's forgiveness, especially Brittany's. A lot of people have told me in my life that my mother doesn't deserve mine. But our mothers do deserve forgiveness. I forgive my mother. It is a courageous act I engage in ever day. Brittany shows the same courage. This book does many things, including importantly that it instructs deeply on the universal gift of forgiveness.
More on my blog!
...
5. One thing a lot of abuse narratives don't express well is the powerful trauma bonding, a Stockholm syndrome-like response abused children can experience in their desire to protect and serve the interests of their narcissistic abusers, due to conditioning, often, rather than the presence of actual good relationship between abused and abuser. Brittany offers a painfully clear perspective of this codependent dynamic.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. HELL IF WE DON'T doesn't provide a sufficient content warning. It gives only two sentences in the front matter: This memoir contains subject matter that may be difficult for readers. Please read with care. I think what is already provided is sufficient for most narratives, honestly. But right in the introduction, on page 1, I encountered a brief but horrifying description of animal cruelty. I think a more thorough content warning should have been included in the front matter or, ideally, the beginning of the introduction.
Other triggers I encountered here include: SA (off-page), verbal and emotional abuse, child neglect and abuse, homelessness, guns, gaslighting, child grooming, coersion, child SA, complex childhood trauma, ptsd, body dysmorphia, mental illness, trauma response and ptsd, suicide and child suicide, child abandonment, drug use and severe intoxication, codependent parenting, trauma bonding, starvation and disordered eating.
More on my blog!
...
Closing Quote: Mom, I made this book for you. I made it the same way you made me, getting it wrong and getting it right, and so, so full of love.Thank you for giving me life. Loc. 3274
Rating: 🛞🛞🛞🛞🛞 wheels turning
Recommend? Yes! See trigger warnings
Finished: Nov 15 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
🪞 memoirs
👨👩👧👦 family stories, family drama
👭🏽 teenage girl's coming of age
👤 mental illness and addiction stories
Thank you to the author Brittany Means, publishers Zibby Books, and NetGalley, for an advance digital copy of HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS. All views are mine.
Opening Quote: I can tell you that having certainty is sometimes a mirage you create for yourself so you can keep taking steps through the sand. Loc.1875
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. At the end of this book, a lot of readers may hold that Brittany's mom doesn't deserve her children's forgiveness, especially Brittany's. A lot of people have told me in my life that my mother doesn't deserve mine. But our mothers do deserve forgiveness. I forgive my mother. It is a courageous act I engage in ever day. Brittany shows the same courage. This book does many things, including importantly that it instructs deeply on the universal gift of forgiveness.
More on my blog!
...
5. One thing a lot of abuse narratives don't express well is the powerful trauma bonding, a Stockholm syndrome-like response abused children can experience in their desire to protect and serve the interests of their narcissistic abusers, due to conditioning, often, rather than the presence of actual good relationship between abused and abuser. Brittany offers a painfully clear perspective of this codependent dynamic.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. HELL IF WE DON'T doesn't provide a sufficient content warning. It gives only two sentences in the front matter: This memoir contains subject matter that may be difficult for readers. Please read with care. I think what is already provided is sufficient for most narratives, honestly. But right in the introduction, on page 1, I encountered a brief but horrifying description of animal cruelty. I think a more thorough content warning should have been included in the front matter or, ideally, the beginning of the introduction.
Other triggers I encountered here include: SA (off-page), verbal and emotional abuse, child neglect and abuse, homelessness, guns, gaslighting, child grooming, coersion, child SA, complex childhood trauma, ptsd, body dysmorphia, mental illness, trauma response and ptsd, suicide and child suicide, child abandonment, drug use and severe intoxication, codependent parenting, trauma bonding, starvation and disordered eating.
More on my blog!
...
Closing Quote: Mom, I made this book for you. I made it the same way you made me, getting it wrong and getting it right, and so, so full of love.Thank you for giving me life. Loc. 3274
Rating: 🛞🛞🛞🛞🛞 wheels turning
Recommend? Yes! See trigger warnings
Finished: Nov 15 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
🪞 memoirs
👨👩👧👦 family stories, family drama
👭🏽 teenage girl's coming of age
👤 mental illness and addiction stories
October 13, 2023
The author delivers a poignant memoir of a childhood scarred by trauma. Dragged along as her mother fled abusive relationships, they were nomads, moving from roadside motels to shelters to her grandparents' cluttered mansion. At the time, the author didn't mind as long as she was with her mother. But as she matured, she realized her life wasn't expected—she began to recognize the complex relationships, poverty, abuse, and instability of her frenzied life.
One of my favorite passages was between the author and her mother on the road: "I pictured her lurching out into the headlights, the sharp swerve close enough to blow her hair back, her teeth barred growling at the receding taillights. 'I'm glad you didn't get hit,' I said, a necessary thing to say, heartfelt, limp as the day-old bouquet of wildflowers I'd once picked for her and left on the dashboard." She says so much in just a few lines—the setting, their relationship, what the author was like, and what her mother was like told us so much in maybe fifteen lines of text. The writing was stunningly beautiful.
Navigating hardship, education, and discovering her identity, this story is an inspiring example of triumph over adversity, emphasizing the importance of understanding, empathy, and resilience in the face of trauma. Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways shows the ability to persevere, adapt, and find hope even in the darkest circumstances.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://shows.acast.com/moms-dont-hav...
One of my favorite passages was between the author and her mother on the road: "I pictured her lurching out into the headlights, the sharp swerve close enough to blow her hair back, her teeth barred growling at the receding taillights. 'I'm glad you didn't get hit,' I said, a necessary thing to say, heartfelt, limp as the day-old bouquet of wildflowers I'd once picked for her and left on the dashboard." She says so much in just a few lines—the setting, their relationship, what the author was like, and what her mother was like told us so much in maybe fifteen lines of text. The writing was stunningly beautiful.
Navigating hardship, education, and discovering her identity, this story is an inspiring example of triumph over adversity, emphasizing the importance of understanding, empathy, and resilience in the face of trauma. Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways shows the ability to persevere, adapt, and find hope even in the darkest circumstances.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://shows.acast.com/moms-dont-hav...
Read
January 2, 2024I picked up HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS because Kiese Laymon and Hanif Abdurraqib blurbed it, and I completely understand why... It was breathtaking.
The writing squeezed at my lungs the whole way through and left me wheezing. I felt Brittany's voice in my skin, fingers, guts.
This might be my first finished book of 2024, but I have a feeling I'll keep on thinking about it for the rest of the year. The ties that bind us to people are more viscous than we think.
If you have ever thought about writing a memoir, this is definitely one to study.
💔
(I recommend looking up trigger warnings on storygraph. A lot happens on page, especially during childhood.)
The writing squeezed at my lungs the whole way through and left me wheezing. I felt Brittany's voice in my skin, fingers, guts.
This might be my first finished book of 2024, but I have a feeling I'll keep on thinking about it for the rest of the year. The ties that bind us to people are more viscous than we think.
If you have ever thought about writing a memoir, this is definitely one to study.
💔
(I recommend looking up trigger warnings on storygraph. A lot happens on page, especially during childhood.)
September 7, 2023
It amazes me every time I read a memoir that includes childhood trauma. There really is not too much I can say other than Brittany (the author) is an incredibly strong woman. Even if she doesn’t believe it. She has endured so much and now has a life and a career and people to share it with. Her story is sad, but she is a survivor.
Thank you Netgalley for the e ARC.
Thank you Netgalley for the e ARC.
January 15, 2024
What a beautiful, terrible, important book. Brittany Means has survived more things than someone three times her age should have to. The writing was terrific and full of formal invention, which I loved. I felt grateful for Brittany’s brother Ben and her friend Shirley. Her racial reckoning was so interesting as well. I teach in the department of the university where Means earned the degree that gave her freedom, though I didn’t know her, and I’m so glad she was able to hone her writing there and that we had her brilliance for a while.
November 9, 2024
“Forgive me this human hunger.”
There are so many ways to hurt a child. There are so many ways to survive. There are so many ways to bowl me over with a single sentence. Brittany Means knows them all.
There are so many ways to hurt a child. There are so many ways to survive. There are so many ways to bowl me over with a single sentence. Brittany Means knows them all.
August 7, 2025
4.5 Stars 🤩
September 11, 2024
This is an extremely disturbing memoir including child abuse, drugs, homelessness, and suicide. It ripped my heart apart!
Brittany writes in an almost poetic way in parts of this book that are both beautiful and deeply sad.
How she survived is a mystery to me.
Brittany writes in an almost poetic way in parts of this book that are both beautiful and deeply sad.
How she survived is a mystery to me.
January 27, 2025
Amazing read. The way Brittany writes kept me hooked from start to finish, the master of words that she is. I am not a memoir or nonfiction reader at all, and i still couldn't put this down. The way she weaves stories of her past into feelings about other works or thoughts was intoxicating. The way she bounces around when telling a story is surprisingly easy to follow though. Maybe that's my ADHD talking, but it was beautifully done. Knowing the author personally (albeit only a little) in high school made this hard to read, knowing that someone ive interacted with has been through so much, but it was fascinating seeing her snippits about the city i grew up in, and validating that someone else saw some of the same, mostly crappy, but sometimes wonderful little things I did about my hometown. The way she explains how she felt after an experience, both good and bad, was written in a way that was easy to comprehend and really connect with. The way she explains her emotions was just, unbelievably well written. I wish i could give this more than 5 stars, so much so that it makes me think i should knock some of my other reads down a peg. I will always and forever read any of her works in the future.
September 30, 2023
This was one of the most unflinchingly honest and heartbreakingly touching memoirs I have ever read. Brittany Means has done the impossible. She has experienced more pain, neglect and abuse than one should survive, but she did. And not only survive, but she was strong enough to share her experiences with others in some of the most compelling prose I’ve read in a memoir. My heart is simultaneously breaking from sorrow and bursting with hope at what Brittany has accomplished here.
August 6, 2023
This was a brave memoir, filled with almost more trauma than I could handle, but there were lots of moments where I paused to reflect on a particular passage either because of the beauty of the writing, or it was resonating with my own experience, or emotions. I look forward seeing what this talented writer will create next.
December 12, 2023
Brittany Means grew up with almost no stability. Her earliest memories are being in the car with her Mom driving - driving to someone, away from someone, just driving. When she would ask her Mom "Where are we going?" she would reply, Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways. Sadly, Brittany's life was hell. Almost every bad thing you can imagine happened to her - often multiple times. Her entire childhood was trauma, poverty, abuse (physical, sexual, and emotional), addiction (her mother's), instability, hoarding, and some extreme Pentecostal Christianity thrown in as well. Literally every single adult in her life failed her over and over again. It's almost amazing in a terrible way how every time it would seem like things might get better, they would get worse instead. It was also amazing in a bad way how many times CPS was called and didn't dig deep enough to see what was going on and how she was coached to give the "right" answers. Her half brother in addition to all the other trauma was actually abducted by a stranger, molested, and almost murdered. I mean how much could happen to these kids?! I think the hardest part to read about was her abusive relationship with her high school boyfriend. His family had taken her in after her Mom abandoned her again. But, they had to keep their relationship a secret while she was living there and it was VERY abusive in every way. It seemed like it could have been such a great opportunity for some stability and an actual home, then it too turned into yet another trauma for her. College was her escape and that's where she met her current boyfriend who was finally someone good for her and to her. College is also where she discovered therapy and finally started addressing all the trauma she'd experienced and started working on creating healthier ways for herself. Knowing she survived everything and is a functional adult is amazing. Brittany is a great writer but there was just SO MUCH BAD STUFF that it was a hard book to read. Like other dysfunctional family/trauma memoirs this won't be for everyone.
Some quotes I liked:
"I knew that the first-grade teacher hated me for never finishing the work packets and for humming to myself without realizing it. She looked at me the way people in the store looked at me sometimes, like I was failing some test I never knew I'd started." (p. 155)
"Planting a seed is easy. Tending to it so it can grow is the hard part." (p. 281)
Some quotes I liked:
"I knew that the first-grade teacher hated me for never finishing the work packets and for humming to myself without realizing it. She looked at me the way people in the store looked at me sometimes, like I was failing some test I never knew I'd started." (p. 155)
"Planting a seed is easy. Tending to it so it can grow is the hard part." (p. 281)
October 8, 2024
I received a copy of this memoir in a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for my honest review.
"This is just a small drop. A few years from now, you will have control over your life. I'd definitely tell him about you and how close we are. Just talk about the beauties of life and why it's worth it. It's always worth it. You don't have to feel trapped like an animal." -Ben, speaking as to what he would say to his younger self
Very well done and heartbreaking memoir by an extremely talented writer. I enjoyed Means style of writing tremendously, and I also felt this was a very therapeutic undertaking for her on her journey of healing and moving forward.
She holds nothing back, but one of the things I appreciated about her retelling is how she acknowledges her fragmented memory and that a story or memory can have many views depending on who is doing the telling. We all experience things in different ways, and I like that she is up front that her experience might be different than any of the people who were a part of her world. She admits to the things she can't remember as opposed to filling in the gaps.
Her world sounds scary, terribly scary, and yet it becomes a twisted comfort to her at times. She becomes the caretaker in the parent-child relationship, and yet it is all she knows. She doesn't know what it is like to be cared for and she doesn't know how to process some of the things that happen to her at the hands of those who are supposed to protect her, except for to forgive and keep living. She fiercely loves those who don't deserve it and chooses to protect them as opposed to speaking out. She has no concept of healthy relationships, which follows her into her own chosen romantic relationships later in life. Seeing how both she, and her brother, bring themselves to begin to break the cycle, escape and attempt to heal gives the reader hope, while Means shares the message of continuing to hang on and the beauty of life, even in the most despicable of circumstances.
"This is just a small drop. A few years from now, you will have control over your life. I'd definitely tell him about you and how close we are. Just talk about the beauties of life and why it's worth it. It's always worth it. You don't have to feel trapped like an animal." -Ben, speaking as to what he would say to his younger self
Very well done and heartbreaking memoir by an extremely talented writer. I enjoyed Means style of writing tremendously, and I also felt this was a very therapeutic undertaking for her on her journey of healing and moving forward.
She holds nothing back, but one of the things I appreciated about her retelling is how she acknowledges her fragmented memory and that a story or memory can have many views depending on who is doing the telling. We all experience things in different ways, and I like that she is up front that her experience might be different than any of the people who were a part of her world. She admits to the things she can't remember as opposed to filling in the gaps.
Her world sounds scary, terribly scary, and yet it becomes a twisted comfort to her at times. She becomes the caretaker in the parent-child relationship, and yet it is all she knows. She doesn't know what it is like to be cared for and she doesn't know how to process some of the things that happen to her at the hands of those who are supposed to protect her, except for to forgive and keep living. She fiercely loves those who don't deserve it and chooses to protect them as opposed to speaking out. She has no concept of healthy relationships, which follows her into her own chosen romantic relationships later in life. Seeing how both she, and her brother, bring themselves to begin to break the cycle, escape and attempt to heal gives the reader hope, while Means shares the message of continuing to hang on and the beauty of life, even in the most despicable of circumstances.
January 23, 2024
This is the book you need to buy now. I honestly had not heard much about it and have not seen it much on Bookstagram. This memoir is a true work of art. It features a voice we don’t hear often — the voice of a child living in poverty who has suffered severe trauma — now a college-educated woman living on her own terms and breaking harmful patterns learned through generational trauma. It’s a book about growing up, poverty, abuse, addiction, family, expectations, religious fervor, and trying to survive. There is a villain - a horrible individual in this book who made me sick, but there are also adults in the gray area. They just failed to do the right things. It seems obvious to me that Means does not see these adults and peers who failed her as bad people, but it was hard to read about what they did and not feel angry. But if Means is not angry, why should anyone else be? It is hard to read about these failures.
Last year, I read the nonfiction books “Once We Were A Family” about the broken foster care system in Texas. And the book challenges the reader to think about why we think, in generally, that it is better to put kids in foster care instead of keeping kids with a family member who has the ability to care for a child, but maybe not in the most ideal circumstances. This thought process results in ripping families apart. While Brittany’s family somehow evaded CPS, I think she is an example of how keeping a family together has positive outcomes in the long run: she has a strong relationship with her brother, now a clinical psychologist, who she describes as a great source of support.
Brittany, thank you for writing this story. I look forward to reading what you write next.
Thank you to @zibbybooks for a free e-arc in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
Last year, I read the nonfiction books “Once We Were A Family” about the broken foster care system in Texas. And the book challenges the reader to think about why we think, in generally, that it is better to put kids in foster care instead of keeping kids with a family member who has the ability to care for a child, but maybe not in the most ideal circumstances. This thought process results in ripping families apart. While Brittany’s family somehow evaded CPS, I think she is an example of how keeping a family together has positive outcomes in the long run: she has a strong relationship with her brother, now a clinical psychologist, who she describes as a great source of support.
Brittany, thank you for writing this story. I look forward to reading what you write next.
Thank you to @zibbybooks for a free e-arc in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
June 15, 2024
I hate to rate a memoir but I think I have to click a star to write a review. It was enjoyable to listen to and I thought the way the author describes her past trauma was really interesting. She went through awful things but the level of detail she provides is just enough for you to comprehend without living through it with her again and again. It's a very well written memoir that takes you on a journey of neglect, child sexual abuse, family trauma, and being a child born out of rape. This was a hard listen but it was also insightful and compelling.
I would recommend this on audio for sure, thank you to librofm for an ALC to review.
Perfect for fans of memoirs, the trauma is dissected in a forward momentum fashion, and her rough childhood is heartbreaking.
I would recommend this on audio for sure, thank you to librofm for an ALC to review.
Perfect for fans of memoirs, the trauma is dissected in a forward momentum fashion, and her rough childhood is heartbreaking.
July 4, 2023
In this unflinching memoir, Means tries to answer the question of how to undo the knots of trauma she’s suffered. Means is a baby born of rape, a child raised in a white Pentecostal world shunned for her “Mexican” features, a daughter of a drug addicted mother, a teenager in an abusive relationship, and finally a young adult who loses her faith. Means spent much of her young life dishonestly answering questions from authorities and concerned friends about what was really happening in her traumatic and unstable upbringing in order to protect her mother from legal ramifications. Means writes poetically and unsparingly and fair warning - the stories she mines from her memories are difficult to read. Thank you to NetGalley and Zibby Books for this ARC
January 8, 2024
Very gritty memoir about growing up the daughter of an addict. One realizes that victims take many forms, even the parent who is abusing you.
January 17, 2024
A story of survival from childhood to adulthood. A memoir that was filled with true honesty, sadness and betrayal.
September 7, 2024
Although this book has high ratings, it was not for me. I feel like this memoir has potential. A sad story of a child’s unfortunate upbringing. But it did not flow. It felt like she took every inner emotion and memory, and threw them into a book. Scrambled and confusing. Choppy and boring at times. I thought of not finishing this more than twice. It was painful for me to finish. Not sure what I’m missing this with one. Just did not enjoy…
September 17, 2024
This treasure was incredibly hard to read, and just as important to read. Thank-you, Ms. Means.
November 2, 2024
I know I’m biased and all but WHAT A WRITER and WHAT A BOOK. ❤️
August 24, 2025
Unflinching and intense. Well done debut.
September 14, 2023
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
I'm always amazed by the honesty and emotion that survivors of childhood trauma express in their writing. I hope it was helpful in her healing and understanding to write this book.
I'm always amazed by the honesty and emotion that survivors of childhood trauma express in their writing. I hope it was helpful in her healing and understanding to write this book.
May 17, 2024
The most beautifully written depressing shit I’ve ever read and sobbed like a little bitch the whole time
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