The Difficult Child

by Stanley Turecki, Leslie Tonner

How to help--and cope with--the difficult child

Expanded and completely revised, the classic and definitive work on parenting hard-to-raise children with new sections on ADHD and the latest medications for childhood disorders.

Temperamentally difficult children can confuse and upset even experienced parents and teachers. They often act defiant, stubborn, loud, aggressive, or hyperactive. They can also be clingy, shy, whiny, picky, and impossible at bedtime, mealtimes, and in public places. This landmark book has been completely revised to include the latest information on ADHD, medications, and a reassuring approach  to all aspects of childhood behavioral disorders.

In this parenting classic, Dr. Stanley Turecki, one of the nation's most respected experts on children and discipline--and himself the father of a once difficult child--offers compassionate and practical advice to parents of hard-to-raise children. Based on his experience with thousands of families in the highly successful Difficult Children Program he developed for Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, his step-by-step approach shows you how

Identify your child's temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties
Manage common--often "uncontrollable"--conflict situations expertly and gently
Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment
Get support from schools, doctors, professionals, and support groups
Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide if medication is right for your child
Make the most of the tremendous potential and creativity that many "difficult" children have




Drawing on his experience with thousands of families in his highly successful Difficult Child Program, Dr. Turecki shows parents how

Identify their child's difficult temperament using a ten-point test to pinpoint specific difficulties

Manage typical conflict situations expertly and kindly

Make discipline more effective and get better results with less punishment

Get support from schools, doctors, and others

Understand ADHD and other common diagnoses, and decide whether medication is right for their child

Make the most of the child's creativity and potential -->

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Childrens

302 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1985

Reviews

[Daisy · Rating 1 out of 5]

i haven’t read this book and i’m not going to. i don’t have the time just prove i’m not the problem. im autistic. i grew up in a household with this book on the bookshelves, always visible, for as long as i can remember. it was just another way for my mother to label me the problem and make sure i knew it was me and not her. now that *i’m* reading books about narcissistic and abusive parents, things are making a lot more sense. this book title alone was used as a weapon against me from a very early age. i know i can’t blame the book for that, but even IF this book has solid advice, it’s a very bad title and harmful to label children with words like “difficult.”

oh and by the way, this book didn’t seem to help my mother with me at all.
honestly, judging from other reviews, it seems like this book is written in a way that helps molly coddle an abusive or shitty parent into feeling like they’re not the problem - their child is. the title is certainly geared up for that approach.

[Tania · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book does give some insight into temperment. I don't think it truly provides solutions to parents that will help them deal with difficult children. The author's approach is very behaviouristic and authoritarian. Most parents would find it hard to do some of the things Turecki suggests. He uses alot of negative labels for children's behaviour; he seems to be stigmatizing these children. It's a very simplistic approach. There are better methods available for helping parents cope with high energy children. I'd read Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's Raising Your Spirited Child and the follow-up to it, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.

[Tristan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book to be pervasively negative. The situations presented were overly dramatic and Turecki even admitted that he was combining stories to create one situation. Is real life not "difficult" enough to publish without embellishment? Chapters 7 and 8 were the only chapters with useful information.

[Liz Lindsay · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think the title says it all

[White · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have not only given this book away, I have bought more copies and given them away as well. I still managed to find one in my library this morning.

On top of giving recommendations to my friends, I have referred countless parents of my students toward this book. The respect I have gotten after they read this masterpiece is insurmountable. This is a must read for any teacher, counselor, or parent.

I thought I was raising a difficult child, until I read this book. Then I realized I was rasising an exceptional child and I was thankful for the gift. The Thomas Jeffersen's and the Mozarts are in good company with my own child who brought me to the bookstore to find a book on how to cope on my way into her adulthood.

This book is real. What it says in its pages is the most profound truth I have ever read in a book. The Difficult Child is a gift.

As I watched my child grow, every aspect of the book came alive. I watched her go through the phases that it predicted. Like a premonition, she unveiled what this book promised: a bright, beautiful, sensitive adult who surpasses all others of her peers. With an IQ in the 150's, I have been so proud to be the one to understand her and love her, and see her become the best of every human being.

I owe this book some of my patience and appreciation as I rode the incredible ride into "awing" this beautiful soul.

[Bonnie Reno · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really toughed it out with this one until I read, "Many parents ask about physical punishment. Expert opinion is divided on this issue, with the majority against it. This has resulted in a lot of guilt for many parents. I believe there is nothing wrong with a parent deliberately, and in control of their own emotions, occasionally using a smack on the rear. This can clear the air and bring the incident to an end very quickly."

I'm sorry, what?!? What experts say physical punishment of any kind is "okay"? I have never, not once, read any parenting or child psychology/development expert say this. Until now, I guess. Anyway, it was difficult to take the author seriously after that.

Otherwise the book is full of kind obvious (or what seemed to me) parenting basics, like don't make threats you don't intend on following through with, don't scream and yell at your child or call them bad children.

The hardest part of getting to the point of this book is the first half is sort of just examples of difficult children. Which might be helpful to someone who isn't sure their child is difficult. I don't know.

[Libby · Rating 1 out of 5]

Something about this book just really leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really dislike that they refer to the most difficult child as a "mother-killer". How harsh!! And after reading some of the anecdotes about the behavior of some other difficult children, it's clear to me that a lot of it could have been nipped in the bud if the parents would just be more strict in some areas. (And I can say this by experience...) I admit I barely read the first chapter and this may have some redeeming qualities and good advice, but it just felt like it was laying a lot of blame on the child, and assigning very little responsibility to how a parent reacts to them. I could be wrong, but there are just too many good books in the world for me to waste my time on this one.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh my gad... it's like someone wrote a book about my kid! Before those of you who know me and Aedan take offense, this is not a put-down or a diagnosis, it's a book about acknowledging your child's temperament and learning how to work with it rather than against it. My therapist reccomended it after many sessions of me stressing about some of Aedan's behaviors (they only occur when he's with me, BTW, and there's the rub!) so I bought it yesterday, devoured it, and now I feel more hopeful about managing my own difficult child. Ever had your child melt down because their banana was "wrong" or given up in dispair after two solid hours of trying to coax them into clothing? This may be a book you want to check out! As with anything in this genre, there's plenty that dosn't apply, but the things that do address our issues are going to be extremely helpful.

[Jennifer K · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you want to blame your child for all their flaws, read this book! If you want to strip your child of agency, authenticity, emotional safety, and assure years of intense therapy as they muddle through life with a severe insecure attachment style, read this book!
If not, turn to the work of Gabor Mate’ and Gordon Neufeld and read Hold On to Your Kids. Or Trauma Through A Child’s Eyes by Peter Levine and Maggie Kline. Or The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel.
Please do not be the parent who is so ego wounded that you’re looking to let yourself and your parenting off the hook and blame your kids for “being bad.” They are not born bad! A child who is acting out is craving true connection, they have unmet needs. Instead, get yourself to a good therapist or read books that can open your eyes to how much work you as a parent need to do to raise securely attached children.

[Karen Singer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Turecki's book should be mandatory reading for each and every parent!

[Ann Johnson Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Salvation in a book! Hallelujah! Let there be light! There's a "difficult" child in my house and now I know how to deal with him so we both don't kill each other! I see kids like this all over now, and wish for a copy to pass out as I walk down the street to those poor harrassed looking mothers (or stepmothers or foster mothers or teachers as the case may be). I have a sane and peaceful (mostly) home because of this book. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mr. Turecki!

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

My strong belief in avoiding negative labels almost caused me to overlook this book. I'm glad I took a second look. This book provided valuable insight and reassurance not only into my second child's difficult toddler-hood, but contained information that I use to this day to help me understand myself, each of my children, and often others as well. I have recommended it highly to family and friends for years.

[James Laginess · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read with reserve and considered most of the information to be far to theoretical and easily challenged by many behavioral scientists, dietitians and religious scholars. The fact is, every child is different and unique. To effectively care for and guide children; we must understand their uniqueness within the context of their specific situation.

[Shauna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Practical

I think this would be a good reference for parents struggling with toddlers, but it says nothing about kids older than 9. It was very much common sense and consistency, though he didn't rule out learning disabilities and ADD/ADHD. I just didn't find it that helpful for an older kid.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has great info for ages 2-6, not so much for school age/preteen. The best thing I got out of the book was even if it's temperament vs something medical (ADD) the way to parent is similar.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a useful book, although I offer one cautionary note about this and any book on childrearing.

Young parents should not even take the baby home from the hospital until they fully understand that they are free to read or ignore all those books and articles and blogs and newsletters and church bulletins and blah, blah, blah, all floating around out there, all giving authoritative, absolute, and profoundly contradictory advice that will drive young parents crazy if they let them.

Books don't raise children: families do. The best advice I ever read about theories of child-rearing was: don't buy one book about child-rearing unless you have the means to buy them all.

Once you have the opportunity to compare and contrast, you begin to see certain themes emerge: you can distinguish sage advice from fads, fancies, and bossy instructions ("don't give in to your child or he'll become a felon when he grows up!").

That said, Dr. Turecki's approach, which was pretty novel back in the 1980s, helped a lot of parents find an escape hatch from endless conflicts between their own (and society's) expectations about the "good" parent and the "good" child, and the reality of having a child who didn't meet the textbook "norms," who didn't evolve a regular sleep schedule, who was hypersensitive, who was a picky eater, who was cranky or obstinate or whatever.

Parents who came from the rigid "clean your plate or else" school of parenting were ill-equipped to negotiate intelligently with a child who just didn't like a lot of what was on his plate. Turecki's approach gave them a way to find what the politicians call a diplomatic solution.

Parents who had been led to feel they were failures (or their children were) unless certain milestones were met on a rigid schedule, who had entered into parenting without the confidence and perspective they needed to get them through a complicated infancy and toddlerhood, got a little boost from the understanding that parenting isn't about a blueprint for "success" or "failure."

The biggest gift Dr. Turecki gave parents was the understanding that their difficult child wasn't "defective" or broken, and that they themselves weren't catastrophically bad parents if their child didn't eat or sleep or walk or talk or cooperate according to expectations.

He provided a kind of broad philosophy of accepting the reality that your baby arrives complete with an inborn personality and temperament, and that adaptation and non-confrontation gives everyone the space they needed to develop a confident, loving bond.

[Charlene · Rating 1 out of 5]

The cop out of the misinformed/ignorant/difficult/dysfunctional/disordered - unhealthy scapegoating parents if you follow this books advice. Learn more and not from this book, and do better. This books information is misinformation. A babies being, nervouse system to disposition is designed and wired and created from beginning to end from the parents bodies & behaviour. Shattered nervous systems come from the lineage of trauma passed down. Being punitive and medicating children is not the way to coping or healing our species. If your child is not meeting your needs as you think they "SHOULD" behave a certain way (your way, compliant and subservient, as you lack a healthy understanding & skills to raise a more balanced, calm & autonomous being) - incorrect you should be meeting their needs. It is due to their environment and caregivers, children don't randomly develop temperaments and 'adverse' behaviour on their own. It is always as a result of cause and effect, finding out what is impacting is key to resolving it. Once parents open up to the fact that they set the stage and nervous system behaviour then they can heal themselves for their children who will be calmer naturally then.

[E Valente · Rating 1 out of 5]

It was very interesting to me to know about the author's history.
His daughter, the "difficult child" in this book wrote a book too and you get to know this man from his kid's eyes.
You understand no kid is difficult because they're just born that way. I think his energy towards his child had a lot to do with the "problem".
In my humble opinion (i mean, i didn't know the guy, so take it with a pinch of salt) i think he was the problem. More often than not, the parent is the actual problem and it's funny how an adult, just by writing a book disguised as a book to "help other parents" is so subtly making us believe the child is the problem.

The child internalized this. She internalized she was the problem. Proof is, her book is called "it begins with you" - Jillian Turecki

I just think it's funny to notice these little things. She's an adult and she is still the focus of the problem. She is still trying to fix herself because someone made her believe she was the problem. Tell me if this isn't funny. She wrote a book about taking responsibility for oneself and one's behaviors.
Her dad on the other hand, wrote a book subtly saying his kid is the problem and ways to get around it.
Can you see the difference between the two?
Crazy.

[Anannya Das · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book even though I don’t have a difficult child. I wanted to learn more about how to handle children generally and this book lays out behaviors and temperaments quite clearly. The way that its action based and helps you contextualize a children’s behavior and help the parents understand how behavior isn’t supposed to be a bad reflection of the parents themselves. I hope to remember these lessons in the future and become a better person through patiently understanding children and their behaviors. I recommend reading this book if you’re a student trying to understand behaviors of children and their temperament and are patient enough to take important notes from.

[Natasha Cottrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Step 1 for not being triggered by the behavior of any child is reframing. Having read many similar books I don’t think anything in this book is new but the exposure to so many examples of goal based parenting strategies are helpful to take in if you are trying to avoid reactive based parenting.

I appreciated the authors grounded perspective. I listened to the audiobook version while I ran errands.

Edit to add!!!
Omg I know the reviews on parenting books are always riddled with drama but I can’t tell you how pumped I am to read the authors “difficult child”’s book!!! It Begins With You the 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life by Jillian Turecki.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book. The concepts are great which I think is the key thing to focus on. The writer seems a little out of touch with modern parenting ie the language to use and the preferred approaches nowadays and sometimes can be quite sexist, not taking into account the modern family. Plus it's obviously quite American. But I like to read a lot around bringing up children and it did have some great take-always.

[Elisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

For anyone curious about this book… his daughter grew up to openly discuss how her fraught relationship with her father badly affected her in adulthood. In turns out he was bipolar and in a terrible marriage, often projecting his anger on his daughter which… would upset any child. She now offers a course on her website called “the difficult parent”. Which I think says it all (and is quite satisfying to see lol good for her).

[Shana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful information, better articulated in the Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene. Overall, this book, revised in 2007, has not aged well. The language surrounding gender and gender roles distracts (at best) from the useful bits and some of the recommendations are no longer considered best practice.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest Parenting Book unlike any other gave me a real AH HA moment

I found this book unique in its approach, very honest and insightful and probably the best real life advice for a “difficult child” - or not!

[Jennifer Higley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually read a version that was published in the '80s, so allowing for the changes in cultural time I would give it five stars because its information was so helpful to me in my work. I'd like to read the updated version sometime.

[Julie Sidarous · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good information but a little impersonal

[Cassie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review and adjusted stars (possibly) to come after I complete the homework and start implementing the book’s teachings.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had read this about 14 years ago!!!

[GW · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few worthwhile gems

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not that evidence based or novel, not really much more than common sense. High hopes, not realized for me.