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Quantum of Tweed: The Man with the Nissan Micra
An exclusive short story for World Book Day from one of our bestselling authors. This brilliant comic thriller will have you on the edge of your seat.Albert Rossi has many qualities. He’s a man who can spot polyester at a hundred paces. He’s the person you’d have on speed dial were you to find yourself at the centre of a tailoring emergency. He has an excellent working knowledge of Bonnie Tyler’s back catalogue. These skills are essential to a Gentleman’s Outfitter from Eastcote. They are not necessarily on the job description for recruiting an assassin.When Albert hits an unsuspecting pedestrian whilst listening to ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ in his Nissan Micra he is amazed to escape the inevitable knock on the door from the police. Instead he receives a mysterious phone call from a man who sounds surprisingly like Stephen Hawking telling him that his money will be left in the ‘usual’ place. At that very moment, Albert Rossi decides to change careers.Albert Rossi’s life is about to get a whole lot more interesting…
96 pages, Kindle Edition
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About the author
Conn Iggulden
147 books6,135 followersAlso publishes under author name C.F. Iggulden.
I was born in the normal way in 1971, and vaguely remember half-pennies and sixpences. I have written for as long as I can remember: poetry, short stories and novels. It’s what I always wanted to do and read English at London University with writing in mind. I taught English for seven years and was Head of English at St. Gregory’s RC High School in London by the end of that period. I have enormous respect for those who still labour at the chalk-face. In truth, I can’t find it in me to miss the grind of paperwork and initiatives. I do miss the camaraderie of the smokers’ room, as well as the lessons where their faces lit up as they understood what I was wittering on about.
My mother is Irish and from an early age she told me history as an exciting series of stories – with dates. My great-grandfather was a Seannachie, so I suppose story-telling is in the genes somewhere. My father flew in Bomber Command in WWII, then taught maths and science. Perhaps crucially, he also loved poetry and cracking good tales. Though it seems a dated idea now, I began teaching when boys were told only girls were good at English, despite the great names that must spring to mind after that statement. My father loved working with wood and equations, but he also recited ‘Vitai Lampada’ with a gleam in his eye and that matters, frankly.
I’ve always loved historical fiction as a genre and cut my teeth on Hornblower and Tai-Pan, Flashman, Sharpe and Jack Aubrey. I still remember the sheer joy of reading my first Patrick O’Brian book and discovering there were nineteen more in the series. I love just about anything by David Gemmell, or Peter F. Hamilton or Wilbur Smith. I suppose the one thing that links all those is the love of a good tale.
That’s about it for the moment. If you’d like to get in touch with me leave a comment in the forum or you can tweet me @Conn_Iggulden. I’ll leave it there for the moment. If you’ve read my books, you know an awful lot about the way I think already. There’s no point overdoing it.
Conn Iggulden
I was born in the normal way in 1971, and vaguely remember half-pennies and sixpences. I have written for as long as I can remember: poetry, short stories and novels. It’s what I always wanted to do and read English at London University with writing in mind. I taught English for seven years and was Head of English at St. Gregory’s RC High School in London by the end of that period. I have enormous respect for those who still labour at the chalk-face. In truth, I can’t find it in me to miss the grind of paperwork and initiatives. I do miss the camaraderie of the smokers’ room, as well as the lessons where their faces lit up as they understood what I was wittering on about.
My mother is Irish and from an early age she told me history as an exciting series of stories – with dates. My great-grandfather was a Seannachie, so I suppose story-telling is in the genes somewhere. My father flew in Bomber Command in WWII, then taught maths and science. Perhaps crucially, he also loved poetry and cracking good tales. Though it seems a dated idea now, I began teaching when boys were told only girls were good at English, despite the great names that must spring to mind after that statement. My father loved working with wood and equations, but he also recited ‘Vitai Lampada’ with a gleam in his eye and that matters, frankly.
I’ve always loved historical fiction as a genre and cut my teeth on Hornblower and Tai-Pan, Flashman, Sharpe and Jack Aubrey. I still remember the sheer joy of reading my first Patrick O’Brian book and discovering there were nineteen more in the series. I love just about anything by David Gemmell, or Peter F. Hamilton or Wilbur Smith. I suppose the one thing that links all those is the love of a good tale.
That’s about it for the moment. If you’d like to get in touch with me leave a comment in the forum or you can tweet me @Conn_Iggulden. I’ll leave it there for the moment. If you’ve read my books, you know an awful lot about the way I think already. There’s no point overdoing it.
Conn Iggulden
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 82 reviews
September 10, 2020
Albert Rossi is in trouble. His men's clothing business is in trouble. The bank's letters are getting more and more threatening. Mr. Rossi is the classic gentleman who can recognize polyester in garments at a distance of 100 metres and always knows what advice to give when it comes to fashion issues.
He drives a Nissan Micra and likes to hear Bonnie Tyler. Sounds like a totally inconspicuous, uninteresting man? It's possible, but that changes when he hit someone in his car.
When he gets out, an unknown man asks him with a gun not to turn around, get back in the car and drive away. This is what Mr Rossi does, but when he moves in reverse, he also runs over the mysterious stranger. His gun and cell phone land on the road, Mr. Rossi stops, opens the car door, takes both and drives away.
At home, the said mobile phone suddenly rings and when he approaches, he is asked if he wants the money in the “usual” place. At this moment Albert Rossi makes a decision that completely turns his so far colourless life upside down.
He's gonna be a professional killer!
Of course, such a thing does not pass without entanglement, and the orders also turn out to be more complicated than the men's outfitter imagined.
He drives a Nissan Micra and likes to hear Bonnie Tyler. Sounds like a totally inconspicuous, uninteresting man? It's possible, but that changes when he hit someone in his car.
When he gets out, an unknown man asks him with a gun not to turn around, get back in the car and drive away. This is what Mr Rossi does, but when he moves in reverse, he also runs over the mysterious stranger. His gun and cell phone land on the road, Mr. Rossi stops, opens the car door, takes both and drives away.
At home, the said mobile phone suddenly rings and when he approaches, he is asked if he wants the money in the “usual” place. At this moment Albert Rossi makes a decision that completely turns his so far colourless life upside down.
He's gonna be a professional killer!
Of course, such a thing does not pass without entanglement, and the orders also turn out to be more complicated than the men's outfitter imagined.
June 20, 2012
This is my first try of Conn Igguldens writing and I just wish this was the first book in a series of similar stories.
The book was about a bumbling gentlemens clothing shop owner, whom accidentally runs over the target of an assassin, then accidentally runs over the assassin, then... accidentally... begins to carry on the assassins work, with hilarious results.
If this is a taste of Conn Igguldens work, then give me more.
The book was about a bumbling gentlemens clothing shop owner, whom accidentally runs over the target of an assassin, then accidentally runs over the assassin, then... accidentally... begins to carry on the assassins work, with hilarious results.
If this is a taste of Conn Igguldens work, then give me more.
December 13, 2025
Accidental 007
Quantum of Tweed is yet another short book by Iggulden, and I enjoyed it more than I did Blackwater. It’s about a random shopkeeper that turns into James Bond, hence the title that rhymes with Quantum of Solace. However, instead of killing people for the Queen, Albert Rossi turns into a killer for money.
QoT was published in 2012, two years before my debut novel came out. It’s a brilliant work of art, and I loved it so much I’m giving it a full five stars. I would still like to point out some of its weaker points.
«40 per cent» should be written either «forty percent» or «40 %». «Eskimo» has been deemed derogatory and offensive since 1977, and a better term is «Inuit». The author should also have researched more about firearms. A Colt pistol doesn’t use a clip, but a regular magazine. An example of a gun that actually uses clips, is the M1 Garand used by the Allies during WWII. Also this specific Colt typically fits only seven rounds in each magazine, so asking for «two clips» is bad planning before an operation. Lastly, the author claims that «Britain has the most extensive network of number-plate-recognition cameras in the world.» This is false. China is the leader here, and has been for a long time, with cities like Chongqing and Shenzhen having millions of connected cameras that can read faces and number-plates.
Finally I would like to point out that you never should try to feel for a person’s pulse grabbing the wrist. Always use the big vein in the neck as an indicator of a beating heart. Anyone learning first aid would know this.
My conclusion is that despite a few errors, this is a very entertaining book that every fan of Iggulden should read.
Quantum of Tweed is yet another short book by Iggulden, and I enjoyed it more than I did Blackwater. It’s about a random shopkeeper that turns into James Bond, hence the title that rhymes with Quantum of Solace. However, instead of killing people for the Queen, Albert Rossi turns into a killer for money.
QoT was published in 2012, two years before my debut novel came out. It’s a brilliant work of art, and I loved it so much I’m giving it a full five stars. I would still like to point out some of its weaker points.
«40 per cent» should be written either «forty percent» or «40 %». «Eskimo» has been deemed derogatory and offensive since 1977, and a better term is «Inuit». The author should also have researched more about firearms. A Colt pistol doesn’t use a clip, but a regular magazine. An example of a gun that actually uses clips, is the M1 Garand used by the Allies during WWII. Also this specific Colt typically fits only seven rounds in each magazine, so asking for «two clips» is bad planning before an operation. Lastly, the author claims that «Britain has the most extensive network of number-plate-recognition cameras in the world.» This is false. China is the leader here, and has been for a long time, with cities like Chongqing and Shenzhen having millions of connected cameras that can read faces and number-plates.
Finally I would like to point out that you never should try to feel for a person’s pulse grabbing the wrist. Always use the big vein in the neck as an indicator of a beating heart. Anyone learning first aid would know this.
My conclusion is that despite a few errors, this is a very entertaining book that every fan of Iggulden should read.
February 15, 2018
The quirkiness of the title and the image led me to open the cover and read further.
This is the first book that I have read by the author Conn Igguldens and the first paragraph did not grip me. Therefore, my policy is to read the first chapter and then make the decision to continue reading. This quick read full filled the test as Iggulden writing began to keep me wanting to read further and I just wish this was the first book in a series of similar stories.
The main character, Albert Rossi, is a gentleman’s clothing shop owner, in Eastcote, who is struggling to keep his head above water and the bank away from knocking at his door.
Rossi’s keen eye at spotting good quality cloth to manmade polyester from a remarkable distance and his unbelievable knowledge on Bonny Tyler’s back catalogue are not necessarily the portrayal for recruiting an assassin; even if it was my accident....
His life then begins to get a little bit more interesting.....
Once I began to be familiar with how Iggulden narrates the story it produced moments of hilarity and with plenty of snippets of humour thrown in from an easy to read novella.
I would recommend this read to readers who would enjoy a spy as the pace at the start was slow for me, it did pick up and the image it let was magical.
If this is a taste of Conn Igguldens work, then give me more.
This is the first book that I have read by the author Conn Igguldens and the first paragraph did not grip me. Therefore, my policy is to read the first chapter and then make the decision to continue reading. This quick read full filled the test as Iggulden writing began to keep me wanting to read further and I just wish this was the first book in a series of similar stories.
The main character, Albert Rossi, is a gentleman’s clothing shop owner, in Eastcote, who is struggling to keep his head above water and the bank away from knocking at his door.
Rossi’s keen eye at spotting good quality cloth to manmade polyester from a remarkable distance and his unbelievable knowledge on Bonny Tyler’s back catalogue are not necessarily the portrayal for recruiting an assassin; even if it was my accident....
His life then begins to get a little bit more interesting.....
Once I began to be familiar with how Iggulden narrates the story it produced moments of hilarity and with plenty of snippets of humour thrown in from an easy to read novella.
I would recommend this read to readers who would enjoy a spy as the pace at the start was slow for me, it did pick up and the image it let was magical.
If this is a taste of Conn Igguldens work, then give me more.
July 10, 2016
I needed to kill an hour whilst my son was in his street-dance class, so popped into the library and came away with this. It did exactly that - kill an hour.
'Quantum of Tweed' is just good fun. An old-fashioned mix of Britishness, slapstick, mistaken identities, coincidences, errors, bad guys and tweed.
Somehow I'd hoped for more, though. It's funny - but not laugh out loud funny. It's a good plot - but not that good. It's well-written - but not that well. Thoroughly worth an hour or so of your time, and you are left wishing that it was longer, or a prequel to a series. However, I don't think it would have made the quality grade as a novel and it feels like it just needs a touch more work.
So, an hour of good clean fun that won't change your life, but won't feel wasted.
'Quantum of Tweed' is just good fun. An old-fashioned mix of Britishness, slapstick, mistaken identities, coincidences, errors, bad guys and tweed.
Somehow I'd hoped for more, though. It's funny - but not laugh out loud funny. It's a good plot - but not that good. It's well-written - but not that well. Thoroughly worth an hour or so of your time, and you are left wishing that it was longer, or a prequel to a series. However, I don't think it would have made the quality grade as a novel and it feels like it just needs a touch more work.
So, an hour of good clean fun that won't change your life, but won't feel wasted.
February 7, 2012
The title made me smile and the blurb made this a must buy.
A James Bond pastiche in a very British style, I honestly thought I was going to laugh my socks off when I bought it, but in the end I didn't. What I did do was a smile a lot and that's certainly not something to be sneezed at. Of course, if you don't remember who Bonnie Tyler is then a lot of the humour here is going to be wasted on you.
It's short and the ending felt far too rushed as though trying to come in under a word count or something, but I've had less fun with longer books also marketed as funny.
Moderate your expectations and you'll have a good (short) time.
A James Bond pastiche in a very British style, I honestly thought I was going to laugh my socks off when I bought it, but in the end I didn't. What I did do was a smile a lot and that's certainly not something to be sneezed at. Of course, if you don't remember who Bonnie Tyler is then a lot of the humour here is going to be wasted on you.
It's short and the ending felt far too rushed as though trying to come in under a word count or something, but I've had less fun with longer books also marketed as funny.
Moderate your expectations and you'll have a good (short) time.
December 28, 2014
I really loved this quirky little tale of a man who accidentally becomes a hired assassin. Impossible? Well, it is slightly far-fetched, but that's what makes it such fun.
The story reminds me of Walter Minion's Secret Life, which I also thoroughly enjoyed.
Highly recommended to all who would like to escape into the world of Albert Rossi for a few hours. You don't know him? Well read the book!
The story reminds me of Walter Minion's Secret Life, which I also thoroughly enjoyed.
Highly recommended to all who would like to escape into the world of Albert Rossi for a few hours. You don't know him? Well read the book!
December 28, 2022
This was such unexpected fun! So much action (even though it was generally accidental), plenty of unexpected twists and turns, right up to the dramatic end. I would love to read more of Alberts escapades and more by this author as his humour was right up my street.
November 9, 2012
This was a very short book... Thankfully!
December 29, 2021
In Quantum of Tweed, the author Conn Iggulden uses convenience and coincidence as effective tools to create an amusing story of Albert Rossi’s brief career as an assassin. This wasn’t a planned career move, though Albert was quite bored with his job as a gentlemen’s outfitter, and it wasn’t paying the bills. His overdraft was growing larger every year and the bank was becoming less patient. So the attraction of a quick payday and getting the bank off his case was very enticing.
Albert’s first job was completely accidental. He was driving home from work one Monday afternoon when he hit a pedestrian who ran out in front of him. He died instantly. Albert expected the police to come knocking but instead, he receives a phone call offering him another job and so begins his new career.
The book is part of the Quick Reads series and is a cleverly written, tongue-in-cheek story about a man who had never done a great deal in his life, who is suddenly plunged into the dark, but exciting, world of crime. His naivety and unpreparedness for such a career move adds to the humour.
Overall a fun story about working as an assassin!
Albert’s first job was completely accidental. He was driving home from work one Monday afternoon when he hit a pedestrian who ran out in front of him. He died instantly. Albert expected the police to come knocking but instead, he receives a phone call offering him another job and so begins his new career.
The book is part of the Quick Reads series and is a cleverly written, tongue-in-cheek story about a man who had never done a great deal in his life, who is suddenly plunged into the dark, but exciting, world of crime. His naivety and unpreparedness for such a career move adds to the humour.
Overall a fun story about working as an assassin!
September 11, 2025
I usually enjoy these "Quick Reads" & this comic thriller is no exception. Meet Albert Rossi, a Gentleman's Outfitter whose business is rapidly failing. However, his money worries seem to be over when he accidentally becomes an assassin.....
A delight from start to finish with the sort of humour I love & this bit is prime example:
"His entire purpose in choosing a holiday home close to Buttermere lake was its suitability for burying his competitors. Let's assume for a moment they were at least dead first. It wasn't always true but let's assume it anyway."
(Having enjoyed this short story so much I'm eager to read more by this author but find his other stuff seems to be all historical fiction, which just isn't my thing - though I guess it does explain why I've not come across him before. )
A delight from start to finish with the sort of humour I love & this bit is prime example:
"His entire purpose in choosing a holiday home close to Buttermere lake was its suitability for burying his competitors. Let's assume for a moment they were at least dead first. It wasn't always true but let's assume it anyway."
(Having enjoyed this short story so much I'm eager to read more by this author but find his other stuff seems to be all historical fiction, which just isn't my thing - though I guess it does explain why I've not come across him before. )
January 22, 2022
4 stars. This novella was a different kind of read by Iggulden, who is usually knee deep in ancient history. This quick read is from the present day and is about how a man became an accidental assassin. Albert Rossi has a men's clothing store that is bleeding money, the bank keeps on sending him letters about money he owes, and he doesn't know how he is going to get it. But one day, he accidentally runs over a man in the street and finds himself on his way to becoming an assassin for hire. This was quite a fun little read and an enjoyable story.
December 29, 2017
c2012 (13) FWFTB: tailor, money, careers, World Book Day, comic. Perversely, I didn't find this to be very funny at all. I wanted to like this book: 1) I enjoy the author's other books 2) its for World Book Day. But, sadly, I didn't. I think because it was hyped with words such as 'bestselling authors, ' brilliant comic thriller ' - you get the drift, that it was going to be hard to live up to. So, unable to recommend to the normal crew at this time.
May 6, 2017
Clever
A really good book .it's a long time since I enjoyed a book as much as this. The humour is my style and had me giggling in places. My only regret is that it is so short I read it in one afternoon session still I can now look to see what else he has written
A really good book .it's a long time since I enjoyed a book as much as this. The humour is my style and had me giggling in places. My only regret is that it is so short I read it in one afternoon session still I can now look to see what else he has written
January 11, 2023
Great Fun!
This novella is smartly written. It has class and wit. I found myself laughing a few times. Basically, it’s the tale of tailor and accidental hitman Albert Rossi. I’ll leave it at that for fear of spoiling the story. Suffice to say, I loved it!
This novella is smartly written. It has class and wit. I found myself laughing a few times. Basically, it’s the tale of tailor and accidental hitman Albert Rossi. I’ll leave it at that for fear of spoiling the story. Suffice to say, I loved it!
January 11, 2023
This novella is smartly written. It has wit and class. Basically, it’s the tale of tailor and accidental hitman Albert Rossi. I won’t say more for fear of spoiling the story. Suffice to say, I loved it!
Read
October 14, 2025(c.2012) An impulse buy, one of a couple of quick reads ... this looks like fun, a gentle Bond parody. Not on Kindle.
Yes it was fun, despite the pun title, Albert Rossi (Eastcote menswear salesman) is not Bond but an accidental assassin with the innocence and luck of Mr. Bean :)
Yes it was fun, despite the pun title, Albert Rossi (Eastcote menswear salesman) is not Bond but an accidental assassin with the innocence and luck of Mr. Bean :)
July 5, 2017
Brilliant! A perfect little gem!
September 13, 2017
Very Funny
A good humorous story which will have you laughing all the way through just the tale you need on a bad day
A good humorous story which will have you laughing all the way through just the tale you need on a bad day
December 11, 2017
Very enjoyable!
July 12, 2018
Hillarious!
August 27, 2018
Highly amusing novella
January 3, 2019
I had this on audio books. It lasted for 5 miles. It was mildly amusing and helped passed the time.
October 2, 2019
Only gave 4 stars... why? Because, although it was especially written as a short story, there was scope for an entire, full length novel! Highly amusing and a very quick read.
December 20, 2019
Put your tongue in your cheek and enjoy it
January 25, 2021
Clever and funny. Not your typical Conn Iggulden read, but still worth reading.
June 18, 2021
Very amusing. Well narrated.
February 12, 2022
Just excellent!
Read
July 28, 2022A nerdy shop owner who is short on his cash flow .
His unfashionable car.
An untimely hit and run that propels him into the trajectory of murder and money.
Comedy and crime in a hundred pages.
His unfashionable car.
An untimely hit and run that propels him into the trajectory of murder and money.
Comedy and crime in a hundred pages.
January 1, 2023
A short but enjoyable read, made me giggle
Displaying 1 - 30 of 82 reviews