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When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along
A unique book helping parents whose relationship with their older or adult child has not turned out as they expected deal with their pain, shame, and sense of loss, and take steps toward healing. This unique book supports parents who have lost the opportunity to be the parent they desperately wanted to be and who are mourning the loss of a harmonious relationship with their child. Through case examples and healing exercises, Dr. Coleman helps • Reduce anger, guilt, and shame • Learn how temperament, the teen years, their own or a partner’s mistakes, and divorce can harm the parent-child bond • Come to terms with their imperfections and their child’s • Develop strategies for reaching out and for maintaining their self-esteem through trying times • Understand how society’s expectations contribute to the risk of parental wounds. By helping parents recognize what they can do and let go of what they cannot, Dr. Coleman helps families develop more positive ways of relating to themselves and each other.
320 pages, Hardcover
Published July 3, 2007
332 people are currently reading
733 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
July 3, 2014
Just wish I didn't need the book. :(
October 20, 2011
I never knew the pain of rejection until it happened to me. This book is another knot in the rope of my healing from the hurt. It is a powerful healing.
December 3, 2013
While this book is written for parents whose adult children have chosen to not communicate with them, I think that it can be beneficial too for adult children to better understand some of their parents' confusing and sometimes unintentional but hurtful behaviors. It might not lead to reconciliation, especially if nothing is changing on the other end, but it can help to resolve anger and facilitate forgiveness. I don't agree with everything the author has to say, particularly the way he seems to excuse some faulty parenting as a "bad match" or "difficult temperament," on the part of the child, but I do believe that reconciliation could be possible for most parents of adult children reading this book if they really take it to heart, work to reduce their own shame, and follow the author's advice to find that "kernel of truth." He does seem to really empathize with parents' hurt, and he really hits the nail on the head with what many adult children are seeking in their relationships with their parents.
August 23, 2021
The author gives practical ways to stop beating up on yourself trying to be the perfect parent. The title is not totally accurate as there are a lot of tips for parents of young children and teens too. He encourages compassion, hope, forgiveness, and most importantly gratitude.
August 16, 2012
This is an excellent book for parents who have a difficult relationship with their adult child. Insight on what might have gone wrong and how things can be improved. I found it to be wise and healing in many ways.
February 21, 2012
This is an eye opener for me. I always thought it was all my fault. This book would be an awesome book for a Christian Book Club where parents can openly talk about their loneliness, hurt, and how to deal with Adult Estranged Children.
June 23, 2019
I wish the tag line was something that sounded less severe as it doesn’t have to be conflict that you’re working through to need a little guidance on your next steps with your adult child.
I really like this author because he acknowledges the current situation rather than always focusing on the ideal that people are hoping for. I feel like too many books promise some amazing life if you just follow their “3 easy steps”. This author readily admits that things might not go as you want, even when you do the right things, but gives solid advice for what to do and what to avoid doing.
Absolutely recommend to anyone even having communication challenges with their adult child.
I really like this author because he acknowledges the current situation rather than always focusing on the ideal that people are hoping for. I feel like too many books promise some amazing life if you just follow their “3 easy steps”. This author readily admits that things might not go as you want, even when you do the right things, but gives solid advice for what to do and what to avoid doing.
Absolutely recommend to anyone even having communication challenges with their adult child.
May 1, 2008
I enjoyed reading this book though only a tiny portion of it was really relevant to me. I would recommend this for anyone who is having trouble with relationships with their adult offspring.
May 12, 2017
If you are a parent whose adult child does not get along with you, there's not a lot of encouraging literature out there, and you won't find a lot of talk shows that are sympathetic (unless the child dies). These days, everyone blames their problems on their parents. The assumption is that you must have done something wrong if your child writes you off.
And some parents have done terrible things during their child-rearing years. How can you come back together as a family, if there are severe problems in your past?
Joshua Coleman is a therapist who has helped parents who for various reasons have been cut off from their children or are experiencing very negative relations with them. He has written a book where parents can do some self-analysis and perhaps figure out conversations that will start the healing.
I experienced this book as an audio book. It was interesting to listen to the points made and the sample conversations and the explanations, but I think that a hurting parent will want to own a paper copy of this book, and first read it, and then work with a therapist to apply the parts that fit their specific case. This book could have been a series of books because the author attempted to cover every conceivable reason for a rupture between parent and child, from divorce to a child who has a difficult personality to incest. At least by covering such a wide range of possible problems and solutions, certain approaches became familiar by repetition.
A parent who faces such problems probably should work through the solution with the help of a good therapist. I would find it hard to be consistently self-aware and able to apply the wisdom of this book without someone to talk me through the reasoning summarized in the book.
I would recommend this not only to parents, but also to friends of such parents. The author reported at the end that during his own parent-child conflicts, it was the ability to talk to a few good friends that helped him most. He offered his website as a way for hurting parents to connect. I checked the website, and I think that since the book was published he's moved to this website: http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/forum/...
And some parents have done terrible things during their child-rearing years. How can you come back together as a family, if there are severe problems in your past?
Joshua Coleman is a therapist who has helped parents who for various reasons have been cut off from their children or are experiencing very negative relations with them. He has written a book where parents can do some self-analysis and perhaps figure out conversations that will start the healing.
I experienced this book as an audio book. It was interesting to listen to the points made and the sample conversations and the explanations, but I think that a hurting parent will want to own a paper copy of this book, and first read it, and then work with a therapist to apply the parts that fit their specific case. This book could have been a series of books because the author attempted to cover every conceivable reason for a rupture between parent and child, from divorce to a child who has a difficult personality to incest. At least by covering such a wide range of possible problems and solutions, certain approaches became familiar by repetition.
A parent who faces such problems probably should work through the solution with the help of a good therapist. I would find it hard to be consistently self-aware and able to apply the wisdom of this book without someone to talk me through the reasoning summarized in the book.
I would recommend this not only to parents, but also to friends of such parents. The author reported at the end that during his own parent-child conflicts, it was the ability to talk to a few good friends that helped him most. He offered his website as a way for hurting parents to connect. I checked the website, and I think that since the book was published he's moved to this website: http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/forum/...
February 28, 2008
Found out that I was not alone in having problems with adult children and what I can do about it.
February 2, 2021
A Decent Book on Parent-Child relationship. Most of the strategy is in Gottman's work. I did not learn anything new from this book. There's cultures too that ought to be considered i.e Indian, African, Chinese, Japanese, American, European. If that is considered, this is not a great work.
If you have no clue or have not read even one work on relationship, I might recommend you this.
Most of your idea on relationship or parenting would probably come from your family of origin.
It would take immense amount of reflection to figure out that first relationship, best to spend time reading perspectives and figuring out your own.
My favorite story was, how a Parent uses their children to make the other Parent look bad.
Anyway, one day, the child grows up and learns the truth. Also, how some Parents chose some other Men/Women over their children.
The Chapter on having realistic beliefs seem to be helpful. Many Parents don't even know Authoritarian vs Authoritative. If you had lied to your children, one day, it will bite you back! I think, things bite back at you some day. In some way, people find out the truth.
I disagree with forgiveness chapter, in religious tradition, God forgives man, and then he is able to mend the relationship constantly. Joshua has not considered that aspect. It seems that Joshua has not considered many aspects.
Parenting relationship is dynamic as in all relationship. Dynamic as in, it is constantly evolving until the die you pass away. Do not think, because you invested x in a relationship, it should automatically give you back or something like it.
What this book does not offer
- how to grow into being better in relationship?
A Quote from another author
My piece of advice on estrangement of children is this: I feel the parent is the one that can’t stop reaching out, can’t stop going above and beyond to do anything to repair this broken relationship. The parent has to steer this relationship to a better path. The parent must let go of his or her ego. Leave it at the door. Apologize. It doesn’t matter what happened. It is your CHILD. Never stop trying. Be humble. Apologize and profess your unconditional love. When you finally meet, hug your child and don’t let go for a really long time. If you are estranged due to parental alienation, I have the same advice. Don’t stop trying. The kids will find out the truth one day.
Marina Sbrochi Spriggs
Maybe this should be required reading for all Parents only if they have no clue. But most people always think they know, until they find out, they really did not know.
I would recommend this to novice in relationship.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
If you have no clue or have not read even one work on relationship, I might recommend you this.
Most of your idea on relationship or parenting would probably come from your family of origin.
It would take immense amount of reflection to figure out that first relationship, best to spend time reading perspectives and figuring out your own.
My favorite story was, how a Parent uses their children to make the other Parent look bad.
Anyway, one day, the child grows up and learns the truth. Also, how some Parents chose some other Men/Women over their children.
The Chapter on having realistic beliefs seem to be helpful. Many Parents don't even know Authoritarian vs Authoritative. If you had lied to your children, one day, it will bite you back! I think, things bite back at you some day. In some way, people find out the truth.
I disagree with forgiveness chapter, in religious tradition, God forgives man, and then he is able to mend the relationship constantly. Joshua has not considered that aspect. It seems that Joshua has not considered many aspects.
Parenting relationship is dynamic as in all relationship. Dynamic as in, it is constantly evolving until the die you pass away. Do not think, because you invested x in a relationship, it should automatically give you back or something like it.
What this book does not offer
- how to grow into being better in relationship?
A Quote from another author
My piece of advice on estrangement of children is this: I feel the parent is the one that can’t stop reaching out, can’t stop going above and beyond to do anything to repair this broken relationship. The parent has to steer this relationship to a better path. The parent must let go of his or her ego. Leave it at the door. Apologize. It doesn’t matter what happened. It is your CHILD. Never stop trying. Be humble. Apologize and profess your unconditional love. When you finally meet, hug your child and don’t let go for a really long time. If you are estranged due to parental alienation, I have the same advice. Don’t stop trying. The kids will find out the truth one day.
Marina Sbrochi Spriggs
Maybe this should be required reading for all Parents only if they have no clue. But most people always think they know, until they find out, they really did not know.
I would recommend this to novice in relationship.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
July 8, 2015
I saw this book at the library and it intrigued me because I have not done much reading around this issue of parenting adult children. I've read quite a few books on parenting and child development and a little bit on teenagers but not much on adult children. A few years ago I read an article in AIFS magazine (Australian institute of family studies) about the percentage of families who have conflict with their teenage children. Despite the common wisdom that these are the difficult years with lots of family conflict, the study found that most Australian parents got along well with their teenage children and the children rated their parents positively as well. By most we are talking figures like 70-80% of families with teenagers experienced positive relationships.
This book takes the approach that sometimes parents end up in a position where they are estranged from their adult children and they would like assistance in repairing the relationship, mending the breach. It was an easy book to read with a casual and welcoming tone, which would have been intended to relax the parent while providing them with advice that, for many, might be quite hard to enact. Joshua Coleman takes the approach that there are many reasons why a relationship can break down, and while it essential for the parent to accept responsibility for their share of the relationship breakdown, there are also many issues beyond the control of the parents. Furthermore, we live in a time when society places great expectations on the shoulders of parents, while at the same time removing much of the patterns of certainty and support that some parents crave. There are also some interesting chapters on divorce and even advice for people who choose to stay in loveless marriages. The psychology and the suggested strategies seemed quite sound, and the book provides checklists, homework and suggested dialogue and text for letters - so quite practical material.
This book takes the approach that sometimes parents end up in a position where they are estranged from their adult children and they would like assistance in repairing the relationship, mending the breach. It was an easy book to read with a casual and welcoming tone, which would have been intended to relax the parent while providing them with advice that, for many, might be quite hard to enact. Joshua Coleman takes the approach that there are many reasons why a relationship can break down, and while it essential for the parent to accept responsibility for their share of the relationship breakdown, there are also many issues beyond the control of the parents. Furthermore, we live in a time when society places great expectations on the shoulders of parents, while at the same time removing much of the patterns of certainty and support that some parents crave. There are also some interesting chapters on divorce and even advice for people who choose to stay in loveless marriages. The psychology and the suggested strategies seemed quite sound, and the book provides checklists, homework and suggested dialogue and text for letters - so quite practical material.
July 28, 2012
Not as helpful to me as I thought we’d never speak again. This unique book supports parents who are struggling with the heartache of having a teenager or an adult child who is troubled, angry, or distant. . .Develop strategies for rebuilding the relationship or move toward acceptance of what can't be changed.
September 8, 2013
This is a book for healing. I found after reading this book I no longer felt like a victim or a person who could not do anything about what was happening to them. I set my boundaries and have taken charge. Thank you Joshua!
January 3, 2015
Has some helpful advise.
February 26, 2020
“Being a parent means continuing to give even when you get nothing back.” That’s what Dr. Joshua Coleman, acclaimed expert on parental estrangement says in his book When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along. He is frank and brutally honest about what he believes is the responsibility of parents when their adult children reject them; at the same time, he writes with deep compassion about the pain parents feel. If you are seeking ways to find peace within yourself and between estranged members of your family, this book should be at the top of your list.
February 17, 2021
A place to begin...
This book has helped me see how I was as a mother and where their own scars came from, based on my own childhood being a disaster, and how I projected that on to my children via neglect. I have a place to start with being honest with myself about what my part is re their adult children scars that are plaguing them. I feel hopeful as I can now identify my part in their M.O.
This book has helped me see how I was as a mother and where their own scars came from, based on my own childhood being a disaster, and how I projected that on to my children via neglect. I have a place to start with being honest with myself about what my part is re their adult children scars that are plaguing them. I feel hopeful as I can now identify my part in their M.O.
December 24, 2012
The advice on raising teenagers was fairly standard and mainstream, but I did find some compassionate help and perspective for dealing with troubled relationships with 20-30 year olds and moving on to a meaningful, post-parenting life.
September 6, 2017
All of us are kind of shocked when we find ourselves in this position. Self-help books are always a bit chancy, but this one is better than most. Although many of the chapters don't apply to me, I found his overall message of forgiveness and optimism to be a useful one.
April 1, 2021
Excellent book, but I found it more applicable to parents of teens and younger adults. I was able to glean some important suggestions and the value of looking back. However, it still does not lessen the pain of rejection from one’s child.
July 10, 2015
This book has become one of my constant companions. Josh Coleman is doing amazing work with parents and adult kids and I highly recommend his work.
January 18, 2016
I skimmed this. There's lots of validation for the hurting guilt ridden parent. Some good strategies, although, overall, nothing new.
March 8, 2018
Excellent book that gives specific strategies for parents in difficult situations. Some information is not relevant to some readers, but the author does an outstanding job of addressing many sources of conflict. He is sensitive without being soppy but does not generalize in ways that cause the reader to lose hope for reconciliation. At the same time, he does not hold out false hope. Overall this is a valuable resource for troubled parents of alienated offspring.
January 1, 2018
Excellent advice from years of counselling families particularly for parents of teens and adult children but I think would be good to read earlier in parenting to increase awareness. I liked the essential principles at the end which include: develop compassion for your child, develop compassion for yourself, get support from friends, family or faith and give back to society.
August 13, 2019
I read this because I recommended it to my mother. It's so good, I may even recommend it to my estranged father. I haven't had an intentional conversation with him in decades.
Recommended for anyone who has drama with grown kids, or even for grown kids who have drama with parents who were/are not who you needed them to be.
Recommended for anyone who has drama with grown kids, or even for grown kids who have drama with parents who were/are not who you needed them to be.
June 27, 2020
I found this book helpful during a time when my adult daughter was out there trying to figure out her life and, in the process, was pushing me away. It gave me the insight to switch my focus from her to me and help me explore things to enrich my life. In time, my daughter came back around and even moved back home and now lives nearby. Our relationship is now much closer.
January 22, 2023
Many insights into how fractures happen between parents and children. But a bit thin because he is trying to cover all possible scenarios, from young teens to children in their 40’s. More helpful would be a more focused approach - kids still at home vs. Out of the house. Then he could delve into each situation more completely.
August 21, 2023
There were many sections of this book that I found very, very helpful: chronically depressed parents, detaching from anger, how and when to reach out, how and when to defend yourself. The most beautiful part of this book is feeling less alone, and how and when to reach out (or not) compassionately. Very kind, very helpful.
August 12, 2025
I'm blessed that my daughter and I do get along and have great fun together, but I picked this up based on the title that offered "compassionate strategies." My son-in-law was recently diagnosed with Stage 3 Lymphoma, is undergoing chemo, and I want to say/do the right things for both of them. I also want to manage my own worry. I found sections of the book helpful.
August 9, 2019
Great Way to Understand How Good Intentions go Awry
Easy read and factually based to help you understand the unfair burdens of parenting and how a child sees it through their young, naive lens.
Easy read and factually based to help you understand the unfair burdens of parenting and how a child sees it through their young, naive lens.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews