The Art of Coming Home

by Craig Storti

Transform the reentry experience from a struggle to an art



Expecting that the home will be the way it was when you left? Are you instead shocked to discover that both you and home have changed? The Art of Coming Home offers the solid advice you need to reduce the stress of making the transition home.

Leave-taking, the honeymoon stage, reverse culture shock, and eventual readjustment - The Art of Coming Home lays out the four stages of the reentry process and details practical strategies for dealing with the challenges you will face each step of the way. Veteran trainer, consultant, and world adventurer Craig Storti sketches the workplace challenges faced by returning business executives as well as the reentry issues of spouses, younger children, and teenagers. He also addresses in detail the special issues faced by exchange students, international volunteers, military personnel and their families, and missionaries and their children.

Whether you are a recent returnee or are just now thinking of moving abroad, The Art of Coming Home sets itself apart as it brings the process of returning home right to the heart of the overseas experience.

Genres: Nonfiction, Travel, Cultural, Self Help, Psychology

203 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1997

Reviews

[Gwen]

I'm ambivalent about this book. It was recommended to me as the best resource for secular repats. (So much of the material for repats assumes we've been overseas doing mission work!) The first few chapters are really reassuring; they describe the issues and feelings of repatriation very accurately, which was just so comforting, because it's really easy to feel like you're an irrational freak. Some good bits I highlighted:

"What happens, then, when you come home? Wherever you turn, you are confronted by behaviors and circumstances that now seem as different to you as many of those you encountered when you first arrived abroad. From the perspective of your new norms, home is now strange, and you react in much the same way as you did when you got to Brazil or Taiwan; you find much of your environment confusing, frustrating, disgusting, and just plain wrong."

"In the meantime, nothing comes naturally. The most mundane of tasks once again require your conscious attention... you are continually on edge, not able to trust your instincts and just be yourself."

"By contrast, the people back home often seem narrow and provincial... in the worst cases, they seem downright predjudiced, even xenophobic."

"Needless to say, the idea of adjusting to such a culture, the spectre of actually becoming like these people, is not instantly attractive. It's hard enough, under the best of circumstances, to be positive about home upon reentry, but when so much about home puts one off, readjustment is all the harder."

So all of that is very comforting. It's not just me! The author goes on to discuss what makes a place feel like "home", and a lot of the mixed-up emotions we can have around this when we're 'supposed' to be all excited about going home, but actually feel that home is somewhere else and the country we're returning to is... a little repellent.

That's the first two chapters. There are three more, and for me at least, they're worse than useless.

The problem I was having with all the material aimed at returning missionaries was that, as someone who isn't particularly religious and definitely isn't a missionary, I just couldn't relate to it. I don't feel like I have a particularly weird story... I went overseas to college, got my degree, worked, and came back nine years later, after a divorce. But this book isn't for me either. It assumes that you're a middle-aged business person sent overseas by your company for two or three years, with your wife and kids, to an exotic country where you have a big house and servants paid for on the company dime.

Sigh.

If that is your situation, there's plenty of advice here on how not to be put in a corner at work when you get back, how to support your angry teenagers, and how to get by while adjusting to *gasp* not having a household staff any more. Personally, it just made me feel like even more of a weirdo.

The final chapter is even devoted to "special populations" - people who have gone overseas for reasons other than opening up Widget Inc's Korea office. Missionaries, military, and teenagers on foreign exchange. Urgh. It sucks to have two chapters of "We understand exactly how you're feeling!" and three chapters of "Ha ha, you expected applicable advice? Sucker!"

I guess I'll keep looking.

[Sean]

This book was really useful for a bit of perspective on the process of coming home and reverse culture shock. The edition I read seemed a little dated, as it only referred to the Internet ONCE (I have no doubt that nowadays the best way to counter reverse culture shock is to keep in touch with people via the Internet!) but nevertheless it was quite an interesting read. Really glad that I was able to squeeze this one in in the week before I return to America from Japan.

[Elari]

This book mixes a clinician's lackluster and impersonal tone with your stern uncle's exhausting tough love strategy. It enumerates all the ways in which home stops feeling like home. The roads, corners, trees, windows, parking lots, neighbors, friends, strangers, morning coffees, trash cans, changing in all of A B C D E F G . . . X Y Z possible ways. Instead of feeling comforting and relatable, the long laundry list of all things gone wrong is overwhelming and suffocating. Like hyperventilating during a panic attack. The thing is, it's bad because it's correct.

So, how does it feel to come back "home"? I'm not sure, first of all, because home is gone. Some of its parts have been wiped out, others have been defaced. Yet other parts seem to have been frozen in time. What a bizarre bizarro world where Lebanon is no more, and yet the Lebanese are indeed still there, victims of a corrupt non-government and of other things I won't mention. I, like others, hate the present and hold on to futile memories of what once was before everything collapsed, including ourselves.

I speak to old friends and acquaintances, only to find that their development was arrested a decade ago, in our undergraduate days. The same mannerisms, hobbies, opinions, topics of conversation, likes and dislikes, maturity or immaturity. People move around like zombies, undead, amused only by their self-loathing, self-soothing bigotry. The poorer have a restless look, and hide behind their phone screens, anime, and alcohol. The richer seem the deadest of all, with their loud trendy music, their loud distasteful jewelry, their loud fake French or fake English, their loud dollars and pool parties. Everyone collides in the bumper-car dead-end game of "insanity and resilience." A big skeletal smile. We wait to see who's to go next.

Meanwhile, I can't even buy a bag of bread without betraying my "other" identity: the cashier looks at me, either sympathetically or resentfully, as I struggle with visible stupidity to count the change in thousands and millions of worthless pounds. "Ha ha, sorry, how much is this?" That is, if I can even go to buy bread. Because public transport is nothing but a dream in this land of nightmares. If a car ever presents itself, the roads feel claustrophobic and dangerous. Anxiety, bitterness, impatience, anger, pure and unbridled anger, as far as my bespectacled eyes can see. It feels bad inside the house, outside of it, alone, with loved ones. It feels bad. Have I gotten imprisoned in my own skin? Have I taken the wrong plane?

". . . because of these changes, “coming home” is in fact a practical impossibility and the phrase itself little more than a figure of speech."

Well well now, can I ever talk about any of this? Of course not. It's incomprehensible at best, entitled at worst. The experience feels like a silent earthquake, where I am the one shaking and twisting and twirling. The world stands strangely still, looking at me with puzzled boredom: why this arrogance, this ridiculous alienation? Why the guilty look? Poor ignorant alien girl. She's only an expat. She doesn't understand "our ways." Let her be. Well, thanks, world. This is how I ended up on Goodreads again.

Anyway, don't mind me or my twisted perception. I'm undergoing severe culture shock, or reverse culture shock, or whatever. The book is actually quite nice to read. Maybe breathing gets easier after the strenuous inhale-exhale choreography. Here is a nice quote and reminder:

". . . simply because reentry can be frustrating, lonely, and generally unpleasant at times is not to say that it is a harmful experience or a negative one. After all, frustration, loneliness, and unpleasantness are very often the precursors of insight and personal growth. Maybe reentry doesn’t always feel good, but then feeling good isn’t much of a standard for measuring experience."

[Emily]

This book claims that it wants to give a realistic view of the challenges of reentry, but I found it sarcastic, bleak, and wearisome. The majority of the book is spent describing problems, without giving hope or much help. Expats - there is greater hope than what this book offers.

“To reenter, it turns out, is to be temporarily homeless. And homelessness is not pleasant.” This world is not our home. We do not need to fear the lack of feeling “at home” because we are sojourners with hearts set on our eternal home.

“The keen sense of loneliness many returnees experience upon reentry comes from this feeling that close friends and relations no longer know who they are.” O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. We are known by this Lord! And even with his full knowledge of our sin and failing, he provides the way for us to know him and be with him forever!

“In isolation most of the challenges of readjustment are quite manageable. The problem is that they don’t occur in isolation, and the cumulative impact can be overwhelming.” The infinite and omnipotent God will not be overwhelmed. He invites our finite hearts to come to him and drink of the sustaining well that will never run dry.

Would not recommend for overseas workers.

[Jyll Hoyrup]

Finally I feel understood!

This book nailed how I felt as a teenager returning from Egypt after 3 years in the mid 80s. The validation was nice, even after all these years!

[Juliette]

Last semester, I was studying abroad in Mexico, and coming back to the US, there were a lot of feelings I could t put a name to. However, Storti seemed to know what I was going through, and it was a great relief knowing that others experience the same things I did/still am.

[Mark Benedict]

Meh, Craig, only mildly helpful. What if you're going to a new place in your home country? Spend some more time on the def. of home please.

[Kayli]

How do you accurately describe a book that has affectively read your own thoughts and confirmed them as "normal"? I picked up this book forever ago from a friend for a class that I didn't take about returning home from study abroad. When I bought it from her, I figured that it looked good and I would read it eventually. Fast forward three or four years and eventually is here; I returned from England a little lost and confused and unbelievably homesick while standing in my own kitchen then I remembered this book. At its core 'The Art of Coming Home' is a book for expats (people who live outside their home country) and their families trying to make sense of coming home. In the book, author Craig Storti describes culture shock and the stages of re-entry for various groups of people i.e. employees, spouses and children, and specific groups such as students, volunteers, military personnel and missionaries.

Storti's writing couples statistical facts, basic psychology and an empathetic take on emotions. Coming home is difficult and there are so many emotions that are hard to describe. How can a person come home, sit on their bed and feel like they are on another planet? How can a person have such a change of heart when it comes to their country, its beliefs and its typical way of life? How can a person who is so used to one way come back to another and see that everyone else has moved on? These are questions that I really struggled with and Storti seemed to understand. It was refreshing to hear someone say that this emotional rollercoaster not only made sense but was extremely normal *and* others around the world felt the same way. However, he also does an excellent job of empathizing with the other side of the equation, the people who were left behind and have now moved on too. Throughout the book, there are mini exercises for returnees and family/friends alike on how to get the returnee adjusted. These range from encouraging family and friends to be sympathetic to the loss of identity the returnee may feel to consistent reminders for the returnee that things will begin to feel normal again.

So, who exactly is this book for? The main subject audience is for returnees from abroad and their loved ones but I highly recommend it to anyone who has or would like to travel. For returnees, Storti acts as a counselor who helps make sense of the culture shock that is waiting when you come home and how to take your next steps. For family and friends, the book is an excellent way to explain why a friend (the returnee) might be distant, act oddly or constantly be obsessing about abroad (sincerest apologies to all my friends who have to hear me blabber). For future travelers, this book offers insight on short and long-term travel and can help prepare you for your journey to and back. While I (clearly) felt an intense connection to this book I did only give it 4 stars simply because some of the facts seem a bit outdated. This book was written in the 1990s and you can definitely tell, especially in the chapters regarding how to keep in contact with people while abroad (email and instant messenger are frequently mentioned). Though that is a bit of a miss, the message is still the same and remains helpful when it comes to returning home.

[Deborah]

This book had great information about common experiences during reentry. However, it needs to be updated--especially the resources in the back; the ones for teen TCKs are mostly no longer active. I also wish it didn't assume that people are returning to the same community they left after only a couple of years away; my family can't be the only ones looking at "returning" to a completely different area of our home country after almost two decades away. Much of the information assumes things that simply won't be true for us, such as familiarity with a place, existing relationships that simply need to be renewed, etc.

[Jorg van Gaal]

A good book to think of all the various aspects one would go through when returning home after being abroad for a while. I especially like that the author talks about various points of view. The return of the one with the job, trailing spouse, and kids, for whom 'coming home' depends a lot on their age. For teenagers, it will be the most difficult, and that is something I have definitely taken to heart.

[Gab]

It's amazing how universal human experience can be! It was reassuring to read this account of returnees' common experiences. I would have liked to gain some more practical tips for "the art of coming home" itself. The book described the experience of return very accurately but didn't move toward solutions as much as I hoped.

[Alaine]

This is a book that I'd recommend to anyone returning to their "home" country after living abroad for many years. It really guides you through what to expect in terms of adjustment and reverse culture shock. Informative and well researched.

[Tara]

This started off useful and something I could connect to, but it quickly became mostly for expat businessmen. :( The expat community is bigger than that. He does write somewhat about returning teenagers, military, missionaries, and volunteers so it might be good for those demographics.

[Clivemichael]

Somewhat dated although the advice still holds, but repetitous. Good suggestions for a variety of situations, fairly US centric.

[Coleman Jones]

Ever curious why reentry from a cross-cultural situation is so difficult. Read this book. It goes into a broad range of how to deal with the shock that comes with reentry into one's home culture.

[Ashley]

I was underwhelmed by this book. Mostly common sense, a few good ideas in terms of helping to prepare for the return, but very specific for people who are returning to a job they left and were still working for overseas. Some good information for spouses and children and then a few chapters for others, but also not really helpful. Might need to write my own book to improve on this!

[Karen Slora]

I was interested in the topic to better understand what my daughter was feeling when she returned from teaching and living in SE Asia. There were few expats there. She was very happy when she returned back home for a few days but then felt her friendships were not as valid or had changed. And then she was down...one day she was going to Germany in a few months, or Peru, or Iceland, etc. Having traveled internationally myself I recognized this as culture shock. I jokingly called it “reverse cultural shock.” When I googled it I saw the term was a real one, and even in Wiki and the US State Dept. The book was very useful and it seemed spot-on. The first two chapters were the most informative, as the others focused more on missionaries, employees, exchange students, etc. Even though not as relevant, I found in skimming nuggets of wisdom. No one mentions the problems of re-entry so are shocked at their feelings. This book definitely helps someone feel less alone. A topic like this should be discussed with anyone going overseas for a length of time BEFORE they depart.

[Ian]

Super important book. Absolutely, must read for ex-pats, before and after they go on an assignment. This book has nailed so much of the pain, frustration and anxiety I have felt. I am going to work really hard to make sure that at least my boss reads some of the highlights, because I've been unable to express it as clearly or I felt as if it were just *my* problem.

[Karetchko]

I was so thrilled when I found out that this book exists. At the time, I had spent several months going through the process of reverse culture shock. I knew there was a name for the phenomenon, but not that there was a whole book on the topic.

[Pat Roseman]

This is an excellent book for those who have been living overseas and are "coming home." It deals with most, if not all, of the issues related to re-entry. I highly recommend it for missionaries, military personnel, aid workers or anyone who has lived overseas for longer than a year.

[Darcey]

Yet another stellar book on relocation, and the especially tricky topic of repatriation. I took loads of notes.

[Susan]

Have some insights when visiting or moving stateside.....but most topics I had already worked through

[Minna]

I'm shocked that this book has been reviewed as "outdated" - I thought it a fabulous & invaluable resource, with comprehensive advice for all types of expat-to-repat experiences. So glad I read this!

[Lana]

a very helpful book about adjusting back to your home culture after having lived abroad.

[Mirjam]

Very useful book. It was great to see that there are others too.
I saw a lot of complaints about for what group it was written. I think the first two chapters keep it open to a wide variety of expats. And no, it will not apply to all people, but it's meant to give you an idea of what issues arise. You have to read what's in it for you.
That said, I do think that the Employee chapter is quite focused on the situation where there is a headquarter in some western country and the expat, mostly senior management level, is sent for 3-4 year stay abroad in some lesser developed region, always with family. If you work for a true multinational with more or less equal offices in equal countries (e.g. US & Canada, or within Europe) and you are sent out just to do work, and not 'set up a new branch in the field', a lot does not apply anymore. Those people might recognize more in the volunteer section or one of the other 'special populations' in the last chapter. I think that's the biggest disadvantage of the book.
It does have some handy checklists, that can also be shared, about what the returnee, but also his/her friends and/or employer can do to make the readjustment to home easier.