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The Five Keys to Mindful Communication: Using Deep Listening and Mindful Speech to Strengthen Relationships, Heal Conflicts, and Accomplish Your Goals
Good communication is essential to any healthy relationship, whether it’s between spouses, family members, friends, or co-workers, and mindfulness—the practice of nonjudgmental awareness—can help us communicate more effectively and meaningfully with others in our personal and professional lives. Here, Susan Chapman, a psychotherapist and long-time Buddhist practitioner, explains how the practice of mindfulness awareness can change the way we speak and listen, enhance our relationships, and help us achieve our goals.
Chapman highlights five key elements of mindful communication—silence, mirroring, encouraging, discerning, and responding—that make it possible for us to listen more deeply to others and to develop greater clarity and confidence about how to respond. Other topics include
• identifying your communication patterns and habits;
• uncovering the hidden fears that often sabotage communication;
• staying open in the midst of difficult conversations so that we can respond wisely and skillfully;
• and learning how mindful communication can help us to become more truthful, compassionate, and flexible in our relationships.
Chapman highlights five key elements of mindful communication—silence, mirroring, encouraging, discerning, and responding—that make it possible for us to listen more deeply to others and to develop greater clarity and confidence about how to respond. Other topics include
• identifying your communication patterns and habits;
• uncovering the hidden fears that often sabotage communication;
• staying open in the midst of difficult conversations so that we can respond wisely and skillfully;
• and learning how mindful communication can help us to become more truthful, compassionate, and flexible in our relationships.
224 pages, Paperback
First published April 10, 2012
223 people are currently reading
1441 people want to read
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June 7, 2015
I love to write ridiculously long Goodreads reviews. But I'm guessing most people don't love to read them. So here's my nutshell summary of the book.
The keys to Mindful Communication are: be embodied, be present, be accepting, be kind, be encouraging, pause, listen deeply, speak your authentically warm, playful truth and just say YES to what emerges.
If that's enough than feel free to skip the rest.
But if you're thirsty for more, than by all means, slake thy thirst at the aforementioned font of copious verbiage.
Me vs. We:
Suesan Gillis-Chapman begins her discussion on Mindfull Communication by identifying the difference between Me First and We First communication.
Me First Communication:
When one or both participants are trying to impart their information on the other without much regard for what the other person (a) has to say (b) is thinking (c) is feeling.
We First Communication:
When both participants are genuinely attuned, collaborative, and responsive to the other, and there is mutual exchange of information, the conversation is We First.
Workin' in the COAL Mine:
Danieal Siegel's acronym (he's the king of acronyms) for this We First orientation is COAL.
It stands for Curious, Open, Excepting, Loving. If we're COAL with one another, than we're cool with one another. We're We First.
I <3 Bubers:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman kicks it old school by citing Martin Buber's (Not to be confused with Justin Bieber or Michael Buble) I and It/Thou framework for understanding relationships.
Buber breaks it down like so:
I/IT:
The attitude of the "I" towards an "IT", is the attitude of I towards an object.
I/THOU:
The attitude of the "I" towards "THOU", is the attitude of I in relationship to another being.
When I relate to you as an IT (an object rather than a being), I may view our communication as an opportunity to download my information on to you without much regard for actually listening to you.
The exchange of information is more or less one way. Much like a programmers relationship to a computer. I => IT.
This is a trait that I like to refer to as "Pump and Dump" and it's just plain RUDE!
When I relate to you as THOU (another being with a vast universe within), there is mutual respect, regard and parity of freely flowing information. I=THOU
Ms. Gillis-Chapman borrows heavily from Buber when she refers to the distinction between "ME First" conversations and WE First" conversations.
She Dropped a Bohm On Me:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman also cites physicist David Bohm as an influence.
David Bohm was a thought leader in the humanist movement. Bohm's later career was devoted to promoting Bohmiean Dialogue, a form of freely-flowing group conversation in which participants practice nonjudgmental listening and authentic speech in an attempt to reach a common understanding.
The Latin roots of the word Dialog is: Dia, meaning flow, (think diarrhea) and Logos meaning information (think corperate Logo). Two very unpleasant examples, but you (hopefully) catch my drift.
A dialog is the flow of information, or better yet, an open, collaborative exchange of meaning in which both parties are somehow enriched as a result.
Bohm referred to I/THOU, Bomiean conversations as Transformational Dialogs.
This is (obviously) analogous to what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Transformational Conversations i.e. conversations that engender interpersonal exploration, shared insight and mutual growth.
Mr. Rogers Neighborhood:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman also cites psychologist Carl Rogers as an influence. Carl Rogers was instrumental in the humanistic person-centered psychotherapy movement of the 1960's and 70's.
Rogers identified the following as the necessary and sufficient requisite qualities of the process of effective therapy.
Therapeutic Alliance: a strong relationship between client and therapist.
Therapist congruence, or genuineness: the therapists outward words and behavior match their inside (feelings). They are genuine in their behavior, they are not "acting".
Therapist unconditional positive regard (UPR): the therapist accepts the client unconditionally, without judgment.
Therapist empathic understanding: the therapist experiences an empathic understanding of the client's internal frame of reference. In other words the therapist has an an authentic feel for how the client feels.
Client perception: that the client perceives, to at least a minimal degree, the therapist's UPR and empathic understanding. In other words the client "feels felt".
Ms. Gillis-Chapman borrows from Rogers when she identifies encouragement and unconditional friendliness as several the necessary qualities of Mindfull Communication.
Ms. Gillis-Chapman integrates all of the aforementioned influences with elements of the Buddhist traditions in her model of Mindful Communication.
Mindful Communication:
Mindful Communication entails mindfully (a) observing the communication at the level of process (rather than becoming exclusively captivated by the content) and (b) guiding the conversation into the WE First domain of open, mutual communication.
So what exactly is the authors framework for the process of Mindful Communication?
To answer that question, let's begin at the beginning.
What the fuck is mindfulness?
Just incase you have been living in a cave for the past decade:
"mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, without prejudgment".
Jon Kabat-Zinn.
The nice thing about Jon Kabat-Zinn's definition of mindfulness is it's fairly precise and widely agree upon.
But it's also pretty fuckin boring and uninspiring, particularly after the 10,000th recitation.
In typical baby boomer style, Ms. Gillis-Chapman jazzes things up a bit with her terse, poetic, insightful and creative reflections on Mindfulness.
"Mindfulness is a means of taking a break from our struggle to survive".
"Mindfulness allows us to bear witness to the flow of our experience rather than being captivated by it".
"Mindfulness enables us to step out of our past and future concerns, and into the present moment where we can simply relax".
Analogously, she observes that Mindful Communication allows us to bear witness to the flow and process of our communications with others, so that we may simply BE with them with no other agenda other than to listen deeply and speak the truth.
Listening Deeply:
According to Ms. Gillis-Chapman, Mindfull Listening operates at the most fundamental level of our awareness.
The Three Ways we receive information in Mindfull Communication are via:
1: Awake Body (continuity of feeling awareness)
2: Tender Heart (emotional awareness)
3: Open Mind (nonjudgmental, here and now, present moment orientation)
It's All About the Process:
As previously mentioned, rather than focusing exclusively on the content of the words exchanged. Ms. Gillis-Chapman prioritizes maintaining an awareness of the process level flow of communication.
Stop In The Name Of Love:
She offers the following Stoplight Metaphor as an aid in identifying the various states of conversational flow.
Red Light (communication that is closed)
Green Light (communication that is open)
Yellow Light (communication that is somewhere-in-between)
Her rule of thumb is; go with the green, stop at the red, yield at the yellow.
Tea Time:
To further elucidate the stoplight metaphor, Ms. Gillis-Chapman employees the Tea Cup metaphor.
Listening is like pouring a cup of tea. It's best when the cup is clean and empty.
This just means it's easier to listen when there is space in your mental and emotional container i.e. when you yourself are not preoccupied or emotionally flooded.
The clean empty cup is like the Green Light (open communication condition) of the Stoplight metaphor.
Trying to listen while otherwise preoccupied is like pouring tea into a cracked cup, where the tea leaks out all over the place.
This is analogous to the yellow light (partially impaired communication condition) in the Stoplight metaphor.
Finally, trying to talk to somebody who doesn't give a fuck, or who is otherwise unreceptive to your message it's like trying to pour tea into an upside down cup.
Thy cup runneth over, in the bad way, if ya know what I'm sayin'
The upside down cup is of course analogous to the red light (Close communication condition) in the stoplight metaphor.
BTW: Using a metaphor to elucidate another metaphor, reminds me of the metaphor of the shepherd who used a thorn to extract another thorn from a lions paw. But now were like three metaphors deep so I guess I should just stop it.
At least I fucking know that I don't fucking know:
By needing to feel like we Know (K) something when we are in fact uncertain, we avoid the anxiety we feel when we Don't Know (DK) but we expose ourselves to the vulnerability of our blind spot i.e. the things we don't know that we don't know (DKDK).
When we are blind (K) to the fact that we have blind spots (DKDK), we are doomed to play out what ever behavior our ignorance and denial would have us do.
It's ignorance with the felt sense of total self assurance and complete self righteousness.
What could possibly go wrong?
Don't You Know That You're Toxic:
Being bad at not knowing is what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Toxic Certainty.
If what we want is to be right, and persuade or cajole others into seeing things from our perspective, than even by those standards, Toxic Certainty is usually a fail.
In his phenomenal book The Righteous Mind, moral psychologist (not necessarily an oxymoron) Jonathan Haidt demonstrates that our feelings of certainty that fuel our moral, political and religious convictions stem from deeply unconscious intuitions, not from logical, rational deductions.
Almost everyone, when presented with good (or even conclusive) evidence that challenges our (political, religious or whatever) position, we (a) discount the contrary evidence and (b) overvalue the evidence for our position. Even if we know about this particular bias.
Trying to persuade or cajole others with rhetoric usually ends in alienation and rupture to the relationship.
Think about a debate between an Atheist and a Fundamentalist. Think about how few of these exhausting spectacles result in a conversion, or even in an actual conversation (i.e. an authentic exchange of listening and asking questions)
The near inevitable result of the debate is both sides become even more entrenched in their positions and even more polarized.
It is possible to influence one another, but not if the "Red Light" is on. In order to actually influence one another, we need a Green Light.
We typically only have Green Light (open) communication with someone with whom we have a strong relationship with. What us psychotherapists like to call a strong Join or Therapeutic Alliance.
If our objective is to build these relationships of open communication and mutual influence, than listening with genuine openness and unconditional positive regard is utterly essential. But beyond that, countering Toxic Certainty with a genuine willingness to Not Know (DK) is also essential.
It's the wisdom embedded in the old therapy chestnut "would you rather be right, or married"?
If the focus is on building relationships first. Than abandoning Toxic Certainty is germane.
In other words, if you want to be a good communicator (a good friend, partner, coworker, therapist whatever), than you better start getting real good at Not Knowing. Or at least faking it till we make it ;-)
Top 10 Buddhist Lists:
I'm not a Buddhist and I never (ever) will be. I'm not an anything and I'm keeping that way. I'm allergic to religion and I loath philosophical dogma.
But I have spent an inordinate amount of time around Buddhists. I did my graduate training at a Buddhist university, I teach at that same university, I have a Buddhist meditation practice and I have participated in lots of Buddhist meditation events and retreats.
If there is one thing I have learned about Buddhists after literally decades of close contact with them is that they fucking LOVE lists.
The 4 Nobel Truths, The 8 Fold Path, The 5 Scandhas. It goes on and on.
So in good Buddhist form, Ms. Gillis-Chapman begins and ends her book with a list.
The Five Keys (core values) of Mindful Communication.
1. Mindful Presence:
As mentioned earlier, the necessary conditions of Mindful Presence are; awake body, tender heart, open mind.
The #1 way to train for these qualities is via mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness Meditation is how we learn to rest in the present moment symbolized as the green light. Mindfulness is how we clean and empty our tea cup.
Within this atmosphere of mindful inner spaciousness, thoughts are free to come and go without being acted upon. Cultivating this space is absolutely necessary for getting out of Me First and into We First.
2. Mindful Listening:
The key to Mindful Listening is Encouragement. The (Rogeriean) practice is to listen to others with "unconditional positive regard".
The obstacle to Encouragement is Toxic Certainty, the false righteousness that propagates discouragement and alienation.
We overcome this obstacle by shining the light of Encouragement inward. By practicing unconditional positive self regard.
3. Mindful Speech:
My old clinical supervisor used to say "if you speed, you get a ticket. Meaning if you try to go to fast with a client, or push them, you end up with a ruptured relationship.
The key to gentle (nonviolent) speech is learning to stop when the light is red.
Working with the slogan "go with the green, stop at the red, be carful when the light is yellow" instructs the process by which skillfully "stay with the client (or conversation partner) and (hopefully) never get ahead of the client, or worse, transgress a subtle (or not so subtle) boundary and end up seriously alienating them.
4. Mindful Relationships:
The key to Mindful Relationships is Unconditional Friendliness.
As the famous relationship researcher John Gottman put it. As a rule of thumb, you need 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction in relationship. People are a lot more sensitive to negative interactions than positive interactions, and the "negs" rack up very quickly.
Unconditional Friendliness means always meeting the client (or conversation partner) with all of the positive openness and warmth associated with acceptance and hospitality.
Again, providing Unconditional Friendliness to others begins with giving it to yourself. These kinds of self love instructions often leave people cold. They think of Stuart Smalley giving himself a hug.
Relating to your self with Unconditional Friendliness is actually a much more subtle and deeply intimate practice than all that. It requires real self compassion and presence. Cultivating this inner quality enables one to genuinely demonstrate it towards others.
5. Mindful Response:
The Key to Mindful Responsiveness is to remain authenticity playful and to always (on some level) say yes.
I have a friend who is absolutely masterful at improve comedy. He performs with an improv group called Three For All. They do the usual shtick of improvising a funny story based "random" audience suggestions.
It looks like magic when they do it. I asked my friend what their secret was and he said "never say no, always say YES.
If your partner leads with "isn't it amazing that were standing here in Chernobyl" and you come back with "yes, Chernobyl is amazing today" than you are off and running. If you come back with "no, we're not in Chernobyl", then the bit has a tendency to just die right then and there.
This is akin to what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Surfing the Wave of Coincidence. Playfully saying YES to what emerges in the present moment and capitalizing on opportunities while concurrently playfully "rolling with the resistance" and turning obstacles into opportunities to connect.
Strategies of control block access to playfully creatively engaging with what's emerging in the here and now.
In Conclusion:
This is a very worthwhile read, especially if you are in the business of working with people. And frankly, pretty much all business entails working with people.
But this is a particularly worthwhile read if you're therapist or doctor or in some other helping profession in which joining and collaborating is essential.
Ms. Gillis-Chapman has done a very respectable job of clearly explaining how to best cultivate the necessary and sufficient skills for mindful communication.
Highly recommended.
The keys to Mindful Communication are: be embodied, be present, be accepting, be kind, be encouraging, pause, listen deeply, speak your authentically warm, playful truth and just say YES to what emerges.
If that's enough than feel free to skip the rest.
But if you're thirsty for more, than by all means, slake thy thirst at the aforementioned font of copious verbiage.
Me vs. We:
Suesan Gillis-Chapman begins her discussion on Mindfull Communication by identifying the difference between Me First and We First communication.
Me First Communication:
When one or both participants are trying to impart their information on the other without much regard for what the other person (a) has to say (b) is thinking (c) is feeling.
We First Communication:
When both participants are genuinely attuned, collaborative, and responsive to the other, and there is mutual exchange of information, the conversation is We First.
Workin' in the COAL Mine:
Danieal Siegel's acronym (he's the king of acronyms) for this We First orientation is COAL.
It stands for Curious, Open, Excepting, Loving. If we're COAL with one another, than we're cool with one another. We're We First.
I <3 Bubers:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman kicks it old school by citing Martin Buber's (Not to be confused with Justin Bieber or Michael Buble) I and It/Thou framework for understanding relationships.
Buber breaks it down like so:
I/IT:
The attitude of the "I" towards an "IT", is the attitude of I towards an object.
I/THOU:
The attitude of the "I" towards "THOU", is the attitude of I in relationship to another being.
When I relate to you as an IT (an object rather than a being), I may view our communication as an opportunity to download my information on to you without much regard for actually listening to you.
The exchange of information is more or less one way. Much like a programmers relationship to a computer. I => IT.
This is a trait that I like to refer to as "Pump and Dump" and it's just plain RUDE!
When I relate to you as THOU (another being with a vast universe within), there is mutual respect, regard and parity of freely flowing information. I=THOU
Ms. Gillis-Chapman borrows heavily from Buber when she refers to the distinction between "ME First" conversations and WE First" conversations.
She Dropped a Bohm On Me:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman also cites physicist David Bohm as an influence.
David Bohm was a thought leader in the humanist movement. Bohm's later career was devoted to promoting Bohmiean Dialogue, a form of freely-flowing group conversation in which participants practice nonjudgmental listening and authentic speech in an attempt to reach a common understanding.
The Latin roots of the word Dialog is: Dia, meaning flow, (think diarrhea) and Logos meaning information (think corperate Logo). Two very unpleasant examples, but you (hopefully) catch my drift.
A dialog is the flow of information, or better yet, an open, collaborative exchange of meaning in which both parties are somehow enriched as a result.
Bohm referred to I/THOU, Bomiean conversations as Transformational Dialogs.
This is (obviously) analogous to what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Transformational Conversations i.e. conversations that engender interpersonal exploration, shared insight and mutual growth.
Mr. Rogers Neighborhood:
Ms. Gillis-Chapman also cites psychologist Carl Rogers as an influence. Carl Rogers was instrumental in the humanistic person-centered psychotherapy movement of the 1960's and 70's.
Rogers identified the following as the necessary and sufficient requisite qualities of the process of effective therapy.
Therapeutic Alliance: a strong relationship between client and therapist.
Therapist congruence, or genuineness: the therapists outward words and behavior match their inside (feelings). They are genuine in their behavior, they are not "acting".
Therapist unconditional positive regard (UPR): the therapist accepts the client unconditionally, without judgment.
Therapist empathic understanding: the therapist experiences an empathic understanding of the client's internal frame of reference. In other words the therapist has an an authentic feel for how the client feels.
Client perception: that the client perceives, to at least a minimal degree, the therapist's UPR and empathic understanding. In other words the client "feels felt".
Ms. Gillis-Chapman borrows from Rogers when she identifies encouragement and unconditional friendliness as several the necessary qualities of Mindfull Communication.
Ms. Gillis-Chapman integrates all of the aforementioned influences with elements of the Buddhist traditions in her model of Mindful Communication.
Mindful Communication:
Mindful Communication entails mindfully (a) observing the communication at the level of process (rather than becoming exclusively captivated by the content) and (b) guiding the conversation into the WE First domain of open, mutual communication.
So what exactly is the authors framework for the process of Mindful Communication?
To answer that question, let's begin at the beginning.
What the fuck is mindfulness?
Just incase you have been living in a cave for the past decade:
"mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, without prejudgment".
Jon Kabat-Zinn.
The nice thing about Jon Kabat-Zinn's definition of mindfulness is it's fairly precise and widely agree upon.
But it's also pretty fuckin boring and uninspiring, particularly after the 10,000th recitation.
In typical baby boomer style, Ms. Gillis-Chapman jazzes things up a bit with her terse, poetic, insightful and creative reflections on Mindfulness.
"Mindfulness is a means of taking a break from our struggle to survive".
"Mindfulness allows us to bear witness to the flow of our experience rather than being captivated by it".
"Mindfulness enables us to step out of our past and future concerns, and into the present moment where we can simply relax".
Analogously, she observes that Mindful Communication allows us to bear witness to the flow and process of our communications with others, so that we may simply BE with them with no other agenda other than to listen deeply and speak the truth.
Listening Deeply:
According to Ms. Gillis-Chapman, Mindfull Listening operates at the most fundamental level of our awareness.
The Three Ways we receive information in Mindfull Communication are via:
1: Awake Body (continuity of feeling awareness)
2: Tender Heart (emotional awareness)
3: Open Mind (nonjudgmental, here and now, present moment orientation)
It's All About the Process:
As previously mentioned, rather than focusing exclusively on the content of the words exchanged. Ms. Gillis-Chapman prioritizes maintaining an awareness of the process level flow of communication.
Stop In The Name Of Love:
She offers the following Stoplight Metaphor as an aid in identifying the various states of conversational flow.
Red Light (communication that is closed)
Green Light (communication that is open)
Yellow Light (communication that is somewhere-in-between)
Her rule of thumb is; go with the green, stop at the red, yield at the yellow.
Tea Time:
To further elucidate the stoplight metaphor, Ms. Gillis-Chapman employees the Tea Cup metaphor.
Listening is like pouring a cup of tea. It's best when the cup is clean and empty.
This just means it's easier to listen when there is space in your mental and emotional container i.e. when you yourself are not preoccupied or emotionally flooded.
The clean empty cup is like the Green Light (open communication condition) of the Stoplight metaphor.
Trying to listen while otherwise preoccupied is like pouring tea into a cracked cup, where the tea leaks out all over the place.
This is analogous to the yellow light (partially impaired communication condition) in the Stoplight metaphor.
Finally, trying to talk to somebody who doesn't give a fuck, or who is otherwise unreceptive to your message it's like trying to pour tea into an upside down cup.
Thy cup runneth over, in the bad way, if ya know what I'm sayin'
The upside down cup is of course analogous to the red light (Close communication condition) in the stoplight metaphor.
BTW: Using a metaphor to elucidate another metaphor, reminds me of the metaphor of the shepherd who used a thorn to extract another thorn from a lions paw. But now were like three metaphors deep so I guess I should just stop it.
At least I fucking know that I don't fucking know:
By needing to feel like we Know (K) something when we are in fact uncertain, we avoid the anxiety we feel when we Don't Know (DK) but we expose ourselves to the vulnerability of our blind spot i.e. the things we don't know that we don't know (DKDK).
When we are blind (K) to the fact that we have blind spots (DKDK), we are doomed to play out what ever behavior our ignorance and denial would have us do.
It's ignorance with the felt sense of total self assurance and complete self righteousness.
What could possibly go wrong?
Don't You Know That You're Toxic:
Being bad at not knowing is what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Toxic Certainty.
If what we want is to be right, and persuade or cajole others into seeing things from our perspective, than even by those standards, Toxic Certainty is usually a fail.
In his phenomenal book The Righteous Mind, moral psychologist (not necessarily an oxymoron) Jonathan Haidt demonstrates that our feelings of certainty that fuel our moral, political and religious convictions stem from deeply unconscious intuitions, not from logical, rational deductions.
Almost everyone, when presented with good (or even conclusive) evidence that challenges our (political, religious or whatever) position, we (a) discount the contrary evidence and (b) overvalue the evidence for our position. Even if we know about this particular bias.
Trying to persuade or cajole others with rhetoric usually ends in alienation and rupture to the relationship.
Think about a debate between an Atheist and a Fundamentalist. Think about how few of these exhausting spectacles result in a conversion, or even in an actual conversation (i.e. an authentic exchange of listening and asking questions)
The near inevitable result of the debate is both sides become even more entrenched in their positions and even more polarized.
It is possible to influence one another, but not if the "Red Light" is on. In order to actually influence one another, we need a Green Light.
We typically only have Green Light (open) communication with someone with whom we have a strong relationship with. What us psychotherapists like to call a strong Join or Therapeutic Alliance.
If our objective is to build these relationships of open communication and mutual influence, than listening with genuine openness and unconditional positive regard is utterly essential. But beyond that, countering Toxic Certainty with a genuine willingness to Not Know (DK) is also essential.
It's the wisdom embedded in the old therapy chestnut "would you rather be right, or married"?
If the focus is on building relationships first. Than abandoning Toxic Certainty is germane.
In other words, if you want to be a good communicator (a good friend, partner, coworker, therapist whatever), than you better start getting real good at Not Knowing. Or at least faking it till we make it ;-)
Top 10 Buddhist Lists:
I'm not a Buddhist and I never (ever) will be. I'm not an anything and I'm keeping that way. I'm allergic to religion and I loath philosophical dogma.
But I have spent an inordinate amount of time around Buddhists. I did my graduate training at a Buddhist university, I teach at that same university, I have a Buddhist meditation practice and I have participated in lots of Buddhist meditation events and retreats.
If there is one thing I have learned about Buddhists after literally decades of close contact with them is that they fucking LOVE lists.
The 4 Nobel Truths, The 8 Fold Path, The 5 Scandhas. It goes on and on.
So in good Buddhist form, Ms. Gillis-Chapman begins and ends her book with a list.
The Five Keys (core values) of Mindful Communication.
1. Mindful Presence:
As mentioned earlier, the necessary conditions of Mindful Presence are; awake body, tender heart, open mind.
The #1 way to train for these qualities is via mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness Meditation is how we learn to rest in the present moment symbolized as the green light. Mindfulness is how we clean and empty our tea cup.
Within this atmosphere of mindful inner spaciousness, thoughts are free to come and go without being acted upon. Cultivating this space is absolutely necessary for getting out of Me First and into We First.
2. Mindful Listening:
The key to Mindful Listening is Encouragement. The (Rogeriean) practice is to listen to others with "unconditional positive regard".
The obstacle to Encouragement is Toxic Certainty, the false righteousness that propagates discouragement and alienation.
We overcome this obstacle by shining the light of Encouragement inward. By practicing unconditional positive self regard.
3. Mindful Speech:
My old clinical supervisor used to say "if you speed, you get a ticket. Meaning if you try to go to fast with a client, or push them, you end up with a ruptured relationship.
The key to gentle (nonviolent) speech is learning to stop when the light is red.
Working with the slogan "go with the green, stop at the red, be carful when the light is yellow" instructs the process by which skillfully "stay with the client (or conversation partner) and (hopefully) never get ahead of the client, or worse, transgress a subtle (or not so subtle) boundary and end up seriously alienating them.
4. Mindful Relationships:
The key to Mindful Relationships is Unconditional Friendliness.
As the famous relationship researcher John Gottman put it. As a rule of thumb, you need 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction in relationship. People are a lot more sensitive to negative interactions than positive interactions, and the "negs" rack up very quickly.
Unconditional Friendliness means always meeting the client (or conversation partner) with all of the positive openness and warmth associated with acceptance and hospitality.
Again, providing Unconditional Friendliness to others begins with giving it to yourself. These kinds of self love instructions often leave people cold. They think of Stuart Smalley giving himself a hug.
Relating to your self with Unconditional Friendliness is actually a much more subtle and deeply intimate practice than all that. It requires real self compassion and presence. Cultivating this inner quality enables one to genuinely demonstrate it towards others.
5. Mindful Response:
The Key to Mindful Responsiveness is to remain authenticity playful and to always (on some level) say yes.
I have a friend who is absolutely masterful at improve comedy. He performs with an improv group called Three For All. They do the usual shtick of improvising a funny story based "random" audience suggestions.
It looks like magic when they do it. I asked my friend what their secret was and he said "never say no, always say YES.
If your partner leads with "isn't it amazing that were standing here in Chernobyl" and you come back with "yes, Chernobyl is amazing today" than you are off and running. If you come back with "no, we're not in Chernobyl", then the bit has a tendency to just die right then and there.
This is akin to what Ms. Gillis-Chapman refers to as Surfing the Wave of Coincidence. Playfully saying YES to what emerges in the present moment and capitalizing on opportunities while concurrently playfully "rolling with the resistance" and turning obstacles into opportunities to connect.
Strategies of control block access to playfully creatively engaging with what's emerging in the here and now.
In Conclusion:
This is a very worthwhile read, especially if you are in the business of working with people. And frankly, pretty much all business entails working with people.
But this is a particularly worthwhile read if you're therapist or doctor or in some other helping profession in which joining and collaborating is essential.
Ms. Gillis-Chapman has done a very respectable job of clearly explaining how to best cultivate the necessary and sufficient skills for mindful communication.
Highly recommended.
August 27, 2015
The essential thought of this book is that if a man lives from a "we-first" point of view instead of a "me-first" perspective, both that individual and those that he or she come into contact with will have the advantage.
As indicated by Chapman, the best approach to mindful communication is the thing that she calls the 'five key components,' which are silence, mirroring, encouraging, discerning, and responding. These abilities empower us to listen all the more deeply, to ourselves and to others.
Valuable methods that the author recommends to help in this procedure of opening up include naming listening as either green-light, red-light or yellow-light examples.
Red-light is the point at which we would prefer not to tune in, or when we are diverted to the point that we can't hear them.
Yellow-light listening is when there is confusion in the matter of whether genuine listening is occurring or not.
Things I favored from this book:
* It has numerous methods & strategies to change negative methods for listening and reacting to others into extremely positive ones.
* Chapman gives cases of how individuals have been casualties they could call their own negative habits and how to overcome it.
* How to have or create happier relationships not based on Me-first, but on We-first.
As indicated by Chapman, the best approach to mindful communication is the thing that she calls the 'five key components,' which are silence, mirroring, encouraging, discerning, and responding. These abilities empower us to listen all the more deeply, to ourselves and to others.
Valuable methods that the author recommends to help in this procedure of opening up include naming listening as either green-light, red-light or yellow-light examples.
Red-light is the point at which we would prefer not to tune in, or when we are diverted to the point that we can't hear them.
Yellow-light listening is when there is confusion in the matter of whether genuine listening is occurring or not.
Things I favored from this book:
* It has numerous methods & strategies to change negative methods for listening and reacting to others into extremely positive ones.
* Chapman gives cases of how individuals have been casualties they could call their own negative habits and how to overcome it.
* How to have or create happier relationships not based on Me-first, but on We-first.
December 9, 2013
Review to come. I thought this was a very useful examination of using mindfulness practices to have deeper understanding and resonance among our conversations with other people. The author advocates a "we-first" approach to interpersonal communication practices, rather than what the author calls a "me-first" approach that's dominant in our society. There's quite a bit of useful information to take from this work, so I hope I can expound upon it in my upcoming review.
July 24, 2018
Dit is een fantastisch boek. De auteur, psychologe en boeddhiste, legt zeer gedetailleerd uit wat de opeenvolgende stappen zijn om tot een betekenisvolle communicatie te komen volgens de traditie van mindfulness en boeddhisme. De theoretische uitleg en de oefeningen om dit mindful communiceren te leren zijn helder. Het boek is doorspekt met ervaringen uit haar praktijk als psychologe, haar vrienden en haar leraren tijdens de negen jaar die ze in de Gampo Abdij in Canada doorbracht. Tien of twintig jaar terug zou ik quasi niets van dit boek gesnapt hebben en het zelfs afgedaan als zweverig geleuter, maar eenmaal je vertrouwd bent met de basis van de boeddhistische leer vat je echt wat je wil bereiken. Dit boek heeft me enorm veel geleerd. Ik heb het ondertussen twee keer gelezen, maar het zal niet bij die 2 keer blijven. Het nodigt uit om te oefenen, oefenen en blijven oefenen...
February 13, 2016
This book explores various relationship issues through heavy use of metaphor. Toxic situations, red-yellow-green light patterns, open mind and open heart, unconditional friendliness, we first vs me first. I found the recommendations interesting, but not very insightful. Most of the situations seem fairly common and I agree with the premise that people who are focused on their own benefits over others tend to be the source of problems. Most of the lessons in this book are things we learned in Kindergarten. We may have forgotten those lessons, or been hurt somehow and build up defensive patterns.
October 31, 2020
It was pretty good!
I took notes throughout the book, so there was definitely some great tips I got from this book.
A huge insight I received:
I am someone that tries to be perfect. I often am shocked when others make decisions that are seemingly “wrong.” I have realized I always am shocked to find that others are loved even through their mistakes. From this book, I’ve learned that this stems from me believing I am “unforgivable” therefore, I strive to make no mistakes. Realizing this has opened my eyes to something I can work towards to better give grace to myself.
My favorite ideas from this book:
•Unconditional Friendliness
•Is what you are about to say worth harming your relationship? (When you are angry)
•Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? (In a fight)
•Notice your Communication Patterns.. (do you interrupt? Do you just think about what you want to add to the conversation?
My Next Step:
To not gossip nor engage in gossip. This book really opened my eyes that we do not have to engage in unhealthy conversations. We need to practice unconditional friendliness and cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
My Biggest Practice Inspired From This Book:
When I got in a fight with my sister, I realized I felt right and I felt like she was wrong. I thought of this book in that moment. And thought: doesn’t she feel the same way? Like I am wrong and she is right? I took a deep breath and realized in the scope of our life and relationship.. it wasn’t worth harming either. I went and apologized to her and told her how I was upset, but realized she was too and that I am sorry. Instantly, we both let our guards down and made up. Something like this could’ve easily “ruined our day together” but instantly was able to reverse it.
Don’t let little things harm relationships.
I took notes throughout the book, so there was definitely some great tips I got from this book.
A huge insight I received:
I am someone that tries to be perfect. I often am shocked when others make decisions that are seemingly “wrong.” I have realized I always am shocked to find that others are loved even through their mistakes. From this book, I’ve learned that this stems from me believing I am “unforgivable” therefore, I strive to make no mistakes. Realizing this has opened my eyes to something I can work towards to better give grace to myself.
My favorite ideas from this book:
•Unconditional Friendliness
•Is what you are about to say worth harming your relationship? (When you are angry)
•Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? (In a fight)
•Notice your Communication Patterns.. (do you interrupt? Do you just think about what you want to add to the conversation?
My Next Step:
To not gossip nor engage in gossip. This book really opened my eyes that we do not have to engage in unhealthy conversations. We need to practice unconditional friendliness and cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
My Biggest Practice Inspired From This Book:
When I got in a fight with my sister, I realized I felt right and I felt like she was wrong. I thought of this book in that moment. And thought: doesn’t she feel the same way? Like I am wrong and she is right? I took a deep breath and realized in the scope of our life and relationship.. it wasn’t worth harming either. I went and apologized to her and told her how I was upset, but realized she was too and that I am sorry. Instantly, we both let our guards down and made up. Something like this could’ve easily “ruined our day together” but instantly was able to reverse it.
Don’t let little things harm relationships.
February 14, 2021
Such a good book! I love the terminology the author uses (red, yellow, and green light communication) as well as the prompts and meditations she gives to help the reader recognize and use the concepts of the book. I’m not really sure why I keep getting these types of thought provoking books on audio because again, having a physical copy of this would be helpful. It was a quick read and not too academic so it was very accessible. I think anyone in a committed relationship (including friendships!) should read this book. I know this book will make a difference in how I communicate and how I perceive the communications of others.
July 6, 2022
Good read. I enjoyed reading this book, I read it once through and will read it again and do the journal entry exercises. Concepts are explained well, personally when it comes to the meditation part, i will replace that with prayer. I really enjoyed reading about how to develop yourself first, then how to respond, because a lot of book come from the point of view that you are the one that is right and how to persuade others to your point of view, this book shows you how to be self-less in a beneficial way and how its not all about yourself, even if you are not the aggressor. Again will be reading slowly and with a journal next time around.
July 12, 2021
3.5 stars. I kind of regret listening to this vs reading it. Books in the personal development or self help realm I much prefer to read so I can highlight and take notes where audiobooks I listen to in the car mostly or when I’m doing other tasks like cleaning so I’m not 100% engaged in them.
October 18, 2017
Excellent read from a European based family and marriage expert. Chapman takes the ideas of conversation beyond the family unit by expanding and applying the communication techniques to encompass needs of a much broader audience. Considering a woeful lack of heart to heart conversations in our digital content driven culture, I found the book to be a wonderful reminder to slow down and simply talk.
• Mindful Presence (awake body, tender heart, open mind)
• Mindful Listening (encouragement)
• Mindful Speech (gentleness)
• Mindful Relationships (unconditional friendliness)
• Mindful Responses (playfulness)
• Mindful Presence (awake body, tender heart, open mind)
• Mindful Listening (encouragement)
• Mindful Speech (gentleness)
• Mindful Relationships (unconditional friendliness)
• Mindful Responses (playfulness)
March 10, 2023
For an interesting topic and an approach I agree with, I found this a dull read and not, ironically, especially well communicated.
April 5, 2012
Five Keys of Mindful Communications by Susuan Gillis Chapman
Five Keys of Mindful Communications by Susan Gillis Chapman is an important must read book for everyone!
In the Ms. Chapman's book Five Keys of Mindful Communications she shares with readers impressive strategies that flips the script on the current daily methods of communication people use with the exception being therapists. Five Keys of Mindful Communications illustrates the importance of being a deep listener and hearing what the individual is really attempting to convey and not simply the words being verbally articulated and body language instead listen what the soul/heart is saying.
The key philosophy within the book Five Keys of Mindful Communication is from the angle that we need to examine beyond what is displayed in front of us when communicating but go to the root of what drives the words; its background or underlying information being shared.
I found The Five Keys of Mindful Communication laced with wonderful techniques and strategies necessary for meaningful non-confrontational, interpersonal communication. While reading the book I recognized how I listen to others. I thought deeply and realized how imperative critical thinking skills are involved for developing and maintaining strong interpersonal relationships. Asking thoughtful questions instead of rushing to defend one's position or perceptions is paramount to comprehending what the person wants you to consider. Being quick to judge or defend one's position and respond to the statements verbalized increase confrontations and ill-feelings. Instead, listen with an open mind and an attitude of honesty can improve relationships. I appreciated Ms. Chapman's use of metaphors and real life examples portrayed through the book which added clarity.
Ms. Chapman transports the reader from the looking out for number one mindset to the we-first ideology. Through the application of mindfulness many miscommunications, harsh feelings and prejudices can be eliminated. If as a society we learn how to really listen in a caring manner perhaps stereotypes and unfounded cross cultural ideas would diminish reducing the lost of precious lives.
In my opinion and dealing with hundreds of personalities daily The Five Keys of Mindful Communications is so meaningful that it should be required reading for freshmen or students entering high school, college, new staff members joining a company, firm or organization and definitely for couples prior to making a commitment. I wonder how peaceful our world would be if we truly listened and communicated using the five keys of mindfulness instead of concentrating on me-first, selfish frame of thought.
I highly recommend reading The Five Keys of Mindful Communication and applying its principles makes a great companion with the highly regarded holy books as a means for living in harmony.
Five Keys of Mindful Communications by Susan Gillis Chapman is an important must read book for everyone!
In the Ms. Chapman's book Five Keys of Mindful Communications she shares with readers impressive strategies that flips the script on the current daily methods of communication people use with the exception being therapists. Five Keys of Mindful Communications illustrates the importance of being a deep listener and hearing what the individual is really attempting to convey and not simply the words being verbally articulated and body language instead listen what the soul/heart is saying.
The key philosophy within the book Five Keys of Mindful Communication is from the angle that we need to examine beyond what is displayed in front of us when communicating but go to the root of what drives the words; its background or underlying information being shared.
I found The Five Keys of Mindful Communication laced with wonderful techniques and strategies necessary for meaningful non-confrontational, interpersonal communication. While reading the book I recognized how I listen to others. I thought deeply and realized how imperative critical thinking skills are involved for developing and maintaining strong interpersonal relationships. Asking thoughtful questions instead of rushing to defend one's position or perceptions is paramount to comprehending what the person wants you to consider. Being quick to judge or defend one's position and respond to the statements verbalized increase confrontations and ill-feelings. Instead, listen with an open mind and an attitude of honesty can improve relationships. I appreciated Ms. Chapman's use of metaphors and real life examples portrayed through the book which added clarity.
Ms. Chapman transports the reader from the looking out for number one mindset to the we-first ideology. Through the application of mindfulness many miscommunications, harsh feelings and prejudices can be eliminated. If as a society we learn how to really listen in a caring manner perhaps stereotypes and unfounded cross cultural ideas would diminish reducing the lost of precious lives.
In my opinion and dealing with hundreds of personalities daily The Five Keys of Mindful Communications is so meaningful that it should be required reading for freshmen or students entering high school, college, new staff members joining a company, firm or organization and definitely for couples prior to making a commitment. I wonder how peaceful our world would be if we truly listened and communicated using the five keys of mindfulness instead of concentrating on me-first, selfish frame of thought.
I highly recommend reading The Five Keys of Mindful Communication and applying its principles makes a great companion with the highly regarded holy books as a means for living in harmony.
October 23, 2019
The few times the author resorts to classifying her clients as having specific psychological disorders comes across as character assassination. It seems to be an appeal to her own authority and a way to assert that she is better than them.
A lot of the language used is not natural. Meaning that people would not talk this way with any random group without concern of being labeled as odd. Ms. Chapman is trying to stress paying attention to emotions to guide some basic ways of responding to situations based on those emotions. Unfortunately she treats emotions as if they are some sort of mystic seer that you have to seek out for guidance. Personally, I prefer Lisa Barrett's approach that emotions are created by your brain>. Same result but the language is more straightforward.
There is good advice and finding it and listening to it will require that you practice listening (and ignoring some of the author's self-aggrandizing statements). When I said that I wasn't enjoying this book my friends advised me to drop it and switch to another. I took it as a challenge to look past the things that bothered me and find some value in it.
A lot of the language used is not natural. Meaning that people would not talk this way with any random group without concern of being labeled as odd. Ms. Chapman is trying to stress paying attention to emotions to guide some basic ways of responding to situations based on those emotions. Unfortunately she treats emotions as if they are some sort of mystic seer that you have to seek out for guidance. Personally, I prefer Lisa Barrett's approach that emotions are created by your brain>. Same result but the language is more straightforward.
There is good advice and finding it and listening to it will require that you practice listening (and ignoring some of the author's self-aggrandizing statements). When I said that I wasn't enjoying this book my friends advised me to drop it and switch to another. I took it as a challenge to look past the things that bothered me and find some value in it.
September 8, 2016
This book really helped me understand the next step in my personal & professional growth. It came at just the right time, too! I have numerous gifts, but two things that have been holding me back are: 1. distracted listening (letting my mind fill with my own ideas rather than properly processing what's happening right in front of me first) and 2. letting my overactive mind build a story around something that may or may not be truth & then treating it as the truth (perception vs reality). I think meditation will be key for me to make headway with both, as it will allow me to practice the intentional removal of stray thoughts from a quiet & clear mind. Stay tuned - 7 Habits are next!!
January 24, 2022
I actually loved this book! I need to purchase a paper copy so I can highlight all of the amazing thoughts and quotes I want to keep forever. Seriously, if you have undergone any type of relationship (with or without trauma), this book helps to put your patterns and behaviors into perspective, while gently guiding you through new perspectives. It's a keeper!
April 16, 2022
I’m so glad I read this book. One of the most interesting and helpful non-fiction books I’ve read. I had to get myself a hard copy. The core tenant of mindful presence being available to us when we have an awake body, open mind and tender heart resonates deeply
January 11, 2016
Reads like a Zen book of communication.
December 22, 2016
good insights and I'm glad I read it but I wouldn't call it a great read.
October 1, 2020
I really enjoyed listening to this on Audible. Not everything was mind-blowing, but there were definite "aha!" moments, and I highly recommend it to everyone as an approachable read.
December 8, 2024
While there are five keys, the entire book centers upon an idea of stoplights:
Go with the green light.
Stop when the light is red.
Be careful when the light is yellow.
The author returns to this model in each of the segments of the book so there is some continuity. There are plentiful examples of what constitutes these green, yellow, and red light moments, and the walkthrough of mindful presence, mindful listening, mindful speech, mindful relationship, and mindful action is pretty clear. If the reader is new to mindfulness practice, this should be used in tandem with a book on basic meditation and mindfulness practices, as Chapman does not provide detailed suggestions. She does mention metta (aka "loving-kindness meditation), and it gets fairly spiritual, with images of "loving Mother" and such. She peppers in plentiful metaphors and analogies, some that work better than others, although mileage will inevitably vary on that front. What seems most crucial is to understand the "Stop when the light is red" not as a call to withdraw or freeze, but to turn inward and to recognize what she calls "closed conversation" patterns. There are some concrete "tips" and ultimately, as is the case with almost all books on mindful communication, it really is about practicing so that things like "speaking from the I" become habitual. I found the "seasons" analogy least helpful (applied in regard to relationships), but again, I think some parts will resonate differently with others. She did offer something about wedding vows that I thought quite potent: vows are statements of intention, but the import of those statements is no at the moment they are uttered, but when you come to those places in the road where those vows are inevitably tested. Seems obvious, but perhaps mindful attention to those vows as operating in this way could curtail (for some) a trip down the wrong path.
The audiobook was narrated by Gabra Zackman, and I had to keep reminding myself that I was not listening to the author. She has the perfect voice for the material, and keeps even the more ethereal/spiritual topics at an even keel, without that saccharine vibe that infects other books in the genre. The book has journal exercises, but what I found most helpful are the "seven stepping stones" at the end of the book. Others may benefit more from the self-reflection. As with most of these books, there is nothing earth-shattering that defies common sense, but Chapman does an admirable job of providing the stoplight anchor as a metaphorical model to encourage us to put mindful communication into practice.
Go with the green light.
Stop when the light is red.
Be careful when the light is yellow.
The author returns to this model in each of the segments of the book so there is some continuity. There are plentiful examples of what constitutes these green, yellow, and red light moments, and the walkthrough of mindful presence, mindful listening, mindful speech, mindful relationship, and mindful action is pretty clear. If the reader is new to mindfulness practice, this should be used in tandem with a book on basic meditation and mindfulness practices, as Chapman does not provide detailed suggestions. She does mention metta (aka "loving-kindness meditation), and it gets fairly spiritual, with images of "loving Mother" and such. She peppers in plentiful metaphors and analogies, some that work better than others, although mileage will inevitably vary on that front. What seems most crucial is to understand the "Stop when the light is red" not as a call to withdraw or freeze, but to turn inward and to recognize what she calls "closed conversation" patterns. There are some concrete "tips" and ultimately, as is the case with almost all books on mindful communication, it really is about practicing so that things like "speaking from the I" become habitual. I found the "seasons" analogy least helpful (applied in regard to relationships), but again, I think some parts will resonate differently with others. She did offer something about wedding vows that I thought quite potent: vows are statements of intention, but the import of those statements is no at the moment they are uttered, but when you come to those places in the road where those vows are inevitably tested. Seems obvious, but perhaps mindful attention to those vows as operating in this way could curtail (for some) a trip down the wrong path.
The audiobook was narrated by Gabra Zackman, and I had to keep reminding myself that I was not listening to the author. She has the perfect voice for the material, and keeps even the more ethereal/spiritual topics at an even keel, without that saccharine vibe that infects other books in the genre. The book has journal exercises, but what I found most helpful are the "seven stepping stones" at the end of the book. Others may benefit more from the self-reflection. As with most of these books, there is nothing earth-shattering that defies common sense, but Chapman does an admirable job of providing the stoplight anchor as a metaphorical model to encourage us to put mindful communication into practice.
Read
February 11, 2020The green, yellow and red light concept was difficult at first but eventually it became clear and easy to understand.
I think this my first book which I read about communication and I have to honestly say, it brought a new light in my life on how I handle communication.
I should have read this book 15 years ago.
My favorite chapters was Gentleness and Unconditional Friendliness. These two chapters had so much example on how to break down communication and also offer some very good advises on how to manage the break-downs.
In short, I always thought I was a great communicator, however, I realized a lot of my weak points after reading this book.
However, better late than never.
I think this my first book which I read about communication and I have to honestly say, it brought a new light in my life on how I handle communication.
I should have read this book 15 years ago.
My favorite chapters was Gentleness and Unconditional Friendliness. These two chapters had so much example on how to break down communication and also offer some very good advises on how to manage the break-downs.
In short, I always thought I was a great communicator, however, I realized a lot of my weak points after reading this book.
However, better late than never.
February 7, 2023
This was a good and useful listen. Some common themes include adopting a we first instead of me first perspective and practicing mindfulness meditation to understand your own thought patterns. To highlight examples of effective/open vs less effective/closed communication (and a number of other concepts), the author provided multiple useful vignettes from her own life and those of her clients.
There were a number of journal prompts and exercises to try, but seeing that I often listened to this while driving in my car, I could not exactly act on them at the time. It would be great if there was a PDF of main practices to accompany the audiobook.
There were a number of journal prompts and exercises to try, but seeing that I often listened to this while driving in my car, I could not exactly act on them at the time. It would be great if there was a PDF of main practices to accompany the audiobook.
June 2, 2023
I absolutely loved this book, its very insightful, precise and has power in simplicity!
I thought it was an easy to listen in the background kind of book but found that I really wish I had the written version. Some of these sentences were very deep and beautiful, they deserved a pause to let them sink in, so I had to re-listen and make notes a few times.
I think the traffic light analogy really helped me observing myself during interactions and conversations and catch phrases like "We-first" are easy to remember in the daily life.
I can feel a change in myself and would highly recommend this book.
I thought it was an easy to listen in the background kind of book but found that I really wish I had the written version. Some of these sentences were very deep and beautiful, they deserved a pause to let them sink in, so I had to re-listen and make notes a few times.
I think the traffic light analogy really helped me observing myself during interactions and conversations and catch phrases like "We-first" are easy to remember in the daily life.
I can feel a change in myself and would highly recommend this book.
September 14, 2025
Susan Gillis Chapman uses Red, Yellow, and Green to describe communication states:
Green Zone – Open, relaxed, and safe communication. You listen and speak with curiosity and kindness.
Yellow Zone – Uncertainty or tension is present. You may feel defensive or cautious. It’s a signal to pause and be mindful.
Red Zone – Communication shuts down. You or the other person may feel attacked, angry, or unsafe. Best to stop and return when calm, practice compassionate
This model helps you notice when communication shifts and how to respond mindfully. Susan uses some interesting cases to expand on her model.
Green Zone – Open, relaxed, and safe communication. You listen and speak with curiosity and kindness.
Yellow Zone – Uncertainty or tension is present. You may feel defensive or cautious. It’s a signal to pause and be mindful.
Red Zone – Communication shuts down. You or the other person may feel attacked, angry, or unsafe. Best to stop and return when calm, practice compassionate
This model helps you notice when communication shifts and how to respond mindfully. Susan uses some interesting cases to expand on her model.
April 11, 2023
The Five Keys to Mindful Communication by Susan Gillis Chapman is a guide for improving communication and relationships. The keys are Pause, Relax, Open, Trust, and Listen. They are grounded in Buddhist philosophy and emphasize mindfulness, compassion, and growth. Pausing and relaxing help us be present and receptive. Opening and trusting encourage curiosity and respect. Listening deeply requires setting aside our own ego-driven narratives to respond compassionately. These skills help build trust, strengthen relationships, and improve communication.
May 2, 2022
Lol. For a book about mindful communication, I did a terrible job of mindfully listening. I think this book was probably better than 2 stars. However, it wasn’t as engaging to listen to, so I don’t know that I fully appreciated what it had to offer. I did come away with some tidbits that I am sure I will remember though, so it wasn’t a total waste of ear-time.
November 4, 2025
I’m happy to say that most of those way of acting and thinking are just natural to me. I think I can use some of the ideas from it and I liked to hear about the exemples in the book to see exactly what the author meant in her saying. Mindful communication is a simple way of life that keeps us open to others, and help people to not take comments too personally.
November 4, 2025
A relatively quick audible listen though it felt longer then it was and probably not in a good way.
For me the bottom line with mindful communication is 1) being aware of how your words and actions impact others and 2) putting others needs ahead of your own. This book essentially covers that and has some personal development tossed in. Not terrible but also not terribly transformative.
For me the bottom line with mindful communication is 1) being aware of how your words and actions impact others and 2) putting others needs ahead of your own. This book essentially covers that and has some personal development tossed in. Not terrible but also not terribly transformative.
November 12, 2025
Learnt to see the best in people always and re-train yourself to not slip into past patterns of recited triggering stories but bring yourself into the present moment and see everything is always okay ! Stop expecting anything and be open to what occurs instead . Reach out to people not to get a response but to show u care !
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 1, 2018
Interesting application of mindfulness and meditation to communication and the relationships we have both with ourselves and others. The shift from a me-first mentality to we-first has powerful implications.
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