The Best After-dinner Stories

by Tim Heald

Ever since Chaucer's day, when the host of the Tabard Inn in Southwark rose to welcome the Canterbury Pilgrims with a joke, the After Dinner Speech, designed, if possible, to reduce the assembled company to helpless merriment, has presented the ultimate challenge. The best speakers are natural story-tellers—Gerard Hoffnung, reading a selection of letters from continental 'There is a French widow in every bedroom affording delightful prospects'; John Mortimer telling the woeful tale of a man's numerous unsuccessful attempts to murder his 'At no time did Mrs Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage'—and in this collection of post-prandial treasures you will find the very best of them, from Groucho Marx on how to resist a femme fatale, to Ralph Steadman surreally addressing the Lewis Carroll Centenary Dinner. 'Goodness', said a friend on greeting Mae West, 'where did you get those beautiful pearls?' 'Goodness', replied Mae, 'had nothing to do with it.' Shaggy dog stories, practical jokes, sporting anecdotes, rousing toasts, travellers' tales and risqué reminiscences rub shoulders in this essential collection with real-life revelations and moments of history. Among the guests are Peter Ustinov, Jilly Cooper, Brian Johnstone, Charles Dickens, Dorothy Parker, Robertson Davies, Henry Grady and A.P. Herbert. There is food and drink in abundance. There is gentle reflection and endearing charm as well as defiant frivolity. Above all there are stories for every occasion—witty, absurd, momentous, philosophical, fascinating, poignant, and forever entertaining.No-ISBN.

Genres: Nonfiction, Classics, Anthologies, Humor, History

Hardcover

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Tim Heald (b. 1944) is a journalist and author of mysteries. Born in Dorchester, England, he studied modern history at Oxford before becoming a reporter and columnist for the Sunday Times. He began writing novels in the early 1970s, starting with Unbecoming Habits (1973), which introduced Simon Bognor, a defiantly lazy investigator for the British Board of Trade. Heald followed Bognor through nine more novels, including Murder at Moose Jaw (1981) and Business Unusual (1989) before taking a two-decade break from the series, which returned in 2011 with Death in the Opening Chapter.

Reviews

[^ · Rating 3 out of 5]

A twentieth century British anthology with contributions culled from Geo. Chaucer, Will. Shakespeare, Samuel Johnson, Jose Manser, Charles Dickens, AP Herbert, Stanley Baldwin, Winston Churchill, HM The Queen, Joanna Trollope, Jilly Cooper, Miles Kington and many others.

Contents include, but are not limited to the splendid Crispin Day Speech given to Henry V by Wm. Shakespeare, to a birthday of King William IVth; from Charles Townshend delivering his ‘Champagne Speech’ in the House of Commons of the eighteenth century, to Peter Ustinov’s run-in with Dame Edith Evans.

Unlike “The Best of the Raconteurs”, which I read and much enjoyed immediately before reading, “The Best After Dinner Stories”, I initially struggled to engage with the pieces selected for this book; feeling that if some of these were to be viewed as amongst the best after-dinner stories, then I really hated to imagine what might be viewed as the worst! For a book published in 2003, I’d expected more recent content that hadn’t aged: some into obscurity, as far as I was concerned. Unsurprisingly, I liked it better once my mind had adjusted to a content quite different from that of “The Best of the Raconteurs” .

[Stuart Aken · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book better presented than compiled, Tim Heald’s The Best After-Dinner Stories is a special edition available through the Folio Society (£19.95). As is often the case with such books, the text is illustrated, in this case by Paul Cox, who does an admirable if somewhat cosy job of work with the material offered.

There’s an underlying tone to the collection and the introductory passages which will undoubtedly appeal to those of a clubbish or socially elevated nature. I found it complacent, self-satisfied and smug and not at all attractive. In fact, I was tempted to stop reading after a short while because of this slightly snobbish and superior tone. I’m glad I didn’t.

In the collection, Tim Heald introduces readers to such luminaries as Chaucer, Shakespeare, Churchill, Samuel Johnson, Horace Walpole and Her Majesty the Queen, amongst others. A few less elevated entertainers jostle for space within the pages, including Joyce Grenfell, Eric Idle, Gyles Brandreth, John Mortimer and Joanna Trollope, again, amongst others.

Of course, the very title of the book should have warned me of the probable approach: after dinner stories are, after all, mainly the province of establishment organisations such as Oxbridge, Gentleman’s clubs and various scholarly or exclusive societies. It is telling that the book was published by the Folio Society, a book club specialising in high end quality book production, where all volumes are hardbacks and most editions are presented in slip cases specially designed for the organisation. You’ll find it available on Amazon, but only in the form of the original publication; sometimes offered as ‘new’, when it is clear that it’s a book passed on to the seller by a society member.

Apart from the social snobbishness that drives the text, there’s an intellectual snobbishness that presents certain references, likely to be familiar only to scholars, as if these were common knowledge amongst common readers.

So, why did I continue to read? Well, the simple fact is that some of the stories presented were very amusing. Some. There was a good deal of comedy I could enjoy, though there was as much that left me cold due to its class basis. I skipped large portions, bored by the pretentions of the narrator. But I also learned the true sources for a number of lengthy jokes that have become popular through re-telling and clearly attributed to the wrong creative minds by that reprocessing.

I obtained the book as a returning member of the Folio Society, an organisation that attracts those of us who love real books. It was part of a free introductory package. I’m glad I didn’t pay for it but also glad I stuck it out to the end. Would I recommend it? That depends on the reader, really. The old-fashioned, club members, Oxbridge dons and graduates, and those who consider themselves upper-middle or upper class would undoubtedly enjoy a number of the ‘in’ jokes. For the rest of us less elevated readers, the pleasures are less obvious. If you enjoyed Punch, you’re likely to find something to amuse you here.

[Mark Sexton · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not the best after dinner stories. Some not after dinner, some barely stories. Dull and horribly dated.

[Mark McTague · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps I was the victim of my own expectations. "The Best" carries its own implications. Or perhaps I simply misunderstood the subject - after dinner stories. Perhaps those tales are meant to be on the wry-grin end of the humor scale, far from the spewing-your-brandy-in-a-spray-of-guffawing-delight end. Folio advertises the book thusly: "Ever since Chaucer’s day, when the host of the Tabard Inn in Southwark rose to welcome the Canterbury Pilgrims with a joke, the After Dinner Speech, designed, if possible, to reduce the assembled company to helpless merriment, has presented the ultimate challenge." Challenge, indeed. Perhaps I suffer from being a colonial, living on this side of the pond, separated from merry England by this common language, as it were. Yet aside from one or two cultural references, the subject matter was clearly accessible. Yes, there were some genuine smiles to be had - the perils of translation (‘There is a French widow in every bedroom affording delightful prospects’); John Mortimer reporting a legal case he knew of a man attempting half a dozen times to murder his wife (‘At no time did Mrs Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage’), some of Dorothy Parker's withering ripostes ('This is not a novel to be lightly tossed aside; it should be thrown with great force,' and 'The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love affairs in all of literature'); and some classic zingers from Groucho Marx ('A man's only as old as the woman he feels' and 'Marriage is a wonderful institution - but who wants to live in an institution?'). Yet those were also the high points for me, in addition to being somewhat familiar in the case of the Americans Parker and Marx. Too many of the others left me feeling as though I were at such a dinner and were tempted to glance at my pocket watch. A good friend said, "Don't forget that the British have a very different sense of humour. They even spell it differently", and that is undoubtedly so. To be sure, this is not the inspired lunacy of Monty Python's Cheese Shop or the Dead Parrot sketches. Yet I do appreciate dry wit and understatement, such as this one from H.R.F. Keating: ‘My lords, ladies and gentlemen … I have been discussing with one of the country’s most learned and distinguished judges just how much alcohol it is proper to consume before speaking on occasions such as this. And I’m bound to tell you that on this occasion I think I’ve got it wrong…’ That is delightful. Yet too much of this felt like Aunt Agatha's reminiscences of people and events that SHE fondly recalled. One listens politely because one loves dear Aunt Agatha, yet hoping she won't go on too long. Perhaps I'm simply a tough audience.

[Sophy H · Rating 1 out of 5]

This felt like being in a live version of the Paul Whitehouse character, I was vey vey drunk (see below link!)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pBlU5Mh...

Utter shite! I've heard better after dinner speeches and stories at a chav wedding or on a nurse's night out after 10 bottles of blue wkd or Smirnoff ice!!

Go home Tim Heald, you were obviously vey vey drunk.

[Žiga · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why the hell isn’t this titled “The Best After-Dinner Speeches? Because that’s what it is. I only bought it because I expected funny and interesting stories/anecdotes told by a fireplace after dinner. What I got were posh speeches that I cared nothing about. “The Best After-Dinner SPEECHES,” Tim!
But the truthful title doesn’t sound as enticing, does it?

[Lucy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this book as a present from a charity shop and decided to read it myself before gifting it. Good thing to, as it wasn't a series of short stories as I thought, but a book of after dinner speeches and stories over the years, with some discussion about what makes a good after dinner story and the hijinks that have ensured from that over the years.

I found this interesting enough, more for the historical context of some of the speeches than the speeches themselves. The trouble with many of the authors in this book is that a lot of these speeches would be far funnier when said out loud (one in particular, I love her delivery) and so they do lose something which written down. That said, this is a truly stunning edition with lovely illustrations and a beautiful cover that I am pleased to be able to gift.

3.5 stars!

[Marlise · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was bamboozled by the outer beauty of the hardcover book with case, fun wartime comic art throughout. But the innards are trash. Mostly nonsensical verbiage mashed up with boring diatribes and misogynistic patriarchy. Garbage in a nice deceptive wrapping. It makes me sad because I spent $20 on this and it’s not even worth keeping on the shelf.

[Steve Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Light and entertaining. These are not verbatim recitations of after dinner speeches, these are stories about after dinner stories, the people who told them and the circumstances under which they were delivered. All are short, many are very short.

[Greg · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not a meaty read at all, just some light fare with a bit of fizz, although a tad cheesy in parts.

[Frank Ashe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Witty introductions to the stories, sometimes overly witty. I can't help but think that if these are the best after-dinner stories then I am glad I don't go to many places where these are delivered.

[Steven Freeman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some very outstanding and entertaining stories that I would have very much liked to have heard in person along with a few that I don't know if I could have sat through.