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Reconcilable Differences: Rebuild Your Relationship by Rediscovering the Partner You Love by Christensen, Andrew, Doss, Brian D., Jacobson, Neil S. (2014) Paperback

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Every couple has arguments, but what happens when recurring battles begin to feel like full-scale war? Do you retreat in hurt and angry silence, hoping that a spouse who "just doesn't get it" will eventually see things your way? Urge your partner to face up to his or her shortcomings? Demand some immediate changes or else? This practical guide offers new solutions for couples frustrated by continual attempts to make each other change. In their decades of clinical practice and research in the field of couple therapy, Dr. Andrew Christensen and Dr. Neil Jacobson developed a therapeutic approach for couples based on one simple no matter how much two people love each other, their differences will eventually cause conflict. But this reality does not have to get in the way of healthy, happy, and long-lasting romance. In fact, learning to accept your differences in an atmosphere of empathy and understanding not only can help you recover from arguments more quickly , and it also can lead to greater intimacy in your relationship. Filled with thought-provoking exercises and real-life examples, the book is designed to help you understand the conflicts you have with your partner, learn why you may have the same fights again and again, and keep small incompatibilities from causing big problems. The authors dissect typical relationship conflicts, illuminating why one person's well-meaning comment may seem to the other like a criticism or an attack. Gaining insight into your own "hot buttons" for hurt feelings and pain, as well as your partner's, you will learn to acknowledge each other's emotional vulnerabilities and innate personality differences. Most important, the book describes concrete steps you can take to achieve active acceptance of each other's feelings and actions. In the process, each of you may find yourself more open to making the kinds of changes the other was asking for all along.Based on Drs. Christensen and Jacobson's groundbreaking and tested therapeutic approach, Reconcilable Differences shows how acceptance can bring lasting peace to couples' wars. Discover how you and your partner can traverse the difficult path from conflict to closeness, from enmity to intimacy.

Unknown Binding

First published October 1, 1999

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Andrew Christensen

30 books1 follower

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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
Profile Image for Amy.
132 reviews9 followers
June 25, 2011
The 'anatomy of an argument' includes an extensive breakdown of interpersonal conflict. It was eye-opening to see how we can have a fight about one thing but the root issue is really much deeper. The wealth of information in this book might leave you feeling overwhelmed, like you can't possibly figure out which strategy to implement - there are lots to choose from. My takeaway from this book is importance of being deliberate with my communication and emotions and trying to understand the other person so that conflict doesn't get out of hand.
13 reviews1 follower
August 18, 2009
Best couples/relationship book I've read in a long time!I'm currently recommending it to all my clients and friends.
Profile Image for David Grassé.
Author 9 books10 followers
September 9, 2013
Learned quite a bit from this about the nature of inter-personal relationships and communication. Will likely go back and re-read parts of the book for greater clarity.
120 reviews4 followers
September 13, 2023
"Reconcilable Differences" stands out as a compelling read in the extensive domain of marital guidance literature. This book is, in essence, a comprehensive compendium that delves deep into the behavioral interpretations associated with marital differences across various fields.

Having familiarized myself with other significant works such as "Emotionally Focused Therapy," "Imago Therapy," and "The Gottman Method," I've come to appreciate the multifaceted nature of marital differences. These relationships aren't solely influenced by behavior. Yet, of all the aspects explored in these books, behavior resonates the most with me, grounding the abstract and theoretical in observable reality.

While a significant portion of "Reconcilable Differences" echoes the common-sense wisdom found in other marital guides, it offers unique insights that set it apart. Scattered throughout its pages are pearls of wisdom, often overlooked in other similar literature, enriching the reader's perspective on relationship dynamics.

One of the book's strengths lies in its emphasis on practicality. Unlike some approaches which delve into recreating familial dynamics or trying to deeply comprehend childhood differences, this book underscores the paramountcy of behavior. After all, in day-to-day interactions, behavior is what's palpably observed, desired, and ultimately defines individuals. Moreover, the book equips readers with effective tools and strategies to navigate and modify behavior in a way that aligns with relationship goals.

Were someone to ask me for a single recommendation from the plethora of marriage counseling books I've ventured through, "Reconcilable Differences" would be my top pick. Its well-structured guidance and vast scope make it feel like a toolkit that could offer solutions right off the bat.

However, a word of caution to prospective readers: while its practical and comprehensive nature is commendable, the book leans heavily on a singular viewpoint. Like all books, it's essential to remember that it offers a perspective, not a panacea, and should be considered as one of many tools in the quest for relationship understanding and improvement.
821 reviews
December 13, 2018
A very digestible guide to how to handle conflict with a romantic partner. I appreciated the multitude of case examples and the simple explanations of principles from research and couples therapy. I was reading this for a course, so did not personally find the exercises useful, but they seemed reasonable.
Profile Image for Becky Bringewatt.
162 reviews1 follower
September 2, 2025
This is a good book with great resources for couples having problems in their relationships. Online tools and other books are referenced and it is a useful guide to beginning to work through problems. It also has a section about how to look for the right therapist if you are seeking help, which I thought was quite informative. Would recommend if this is what you are looking for.
Profile Image for Ronnetta.
5 reviews
September 25, 2024
Most excellent

As a psychologist who loves and offers Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, I consider this to be an excellent self-help guide. It’s informative and easy to read with relatable scenarios.
Profile Image for V.
323 reviews11 followers
September 25, 2023
A great book, has a LOT of information, and can help even those couples without issues understand their couple patterns better.
Profile Image for sandy .
36 reviews1 follower
February 12, 2014
There are a few useful constructs for framing an argument in a way that increases likelihood of resolving conflicts in a more calm, less accusatory manner. There are numerous basics of "rules to follow" and poor communication patterns to avoid although someone new to this reading would probably find helpful. For me, however, this book gives too many case study examples and too few research driven findings.
Profile Image for Dakota Fabro.
16 reviews3 followers
May 6, 2013
Definitely helped the way I see my own social relationships. Essential read for anyone who is trying to get married!
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews

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