The Power of Losing Control

by Joe Caruso

Our willingness to acknowledge the things we cannot control, and focus our energy on those things we can influence, is inextricably linked to our happiness and success in life. Based on years of study of the greatest philosophers, thinkers and psychoanalytic experts of all time and inspired by a battle with cancer at a young age, author Joe Caruso distills the essence of the simple, common, timeless human truths elemental to our existence in this very readable and enjoyable book. Written in Joe’s warm, engaging style, “The Power of Losing Control” offers unique, valuable, and usable insights and strategies to living a meaningful and satisfying life. While many self-help books deal with external strategies, like time-management or setting priorities, this book goes straight to the source, our inner-selves, and points out some of the simplest strategies and insights can have the biggest impact, such as Ten Attitudes and Ideas to Let Go Of, the Four Rules of Engagement, and the Five Stages of Wisdom. “We are the stories we tell ourselves we are,” and Caruso clearly embraces his approaches in his own life, making this book a credible, reliable way to help shift our perspective and open our eyes to our own reality. A great book to read, and reread.

Excerpts from reader
“If you are a controlling person, or let me rephrase it, if you like to feel like you are in control, this is for you.”

“I have used many books, courses, introspection, meditation, ... to create a great life… What I love about this book
* it tells the truth about the phenomenon of being a human being
* it gives some actual practices you can use to help you
* it touches the spiritual part of me that knows connecting to others and helping them is one of my greatest joys”

“The author doesn't preach or anything. What it did for me was to reframe how I could view the concept of control (or lack of). Subsequently, that changed how I viewed things -- my job, my work, my relationship with my wife. I've become a happier person now, and when I cite things from the book, my friends think I'm some genius. I tell them to read the book.”

See all reviews

Genres: Nonfiction

234 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

After being diagnosed with an incurable cancer while he was still in college, Joe decided to commit whatever time he had left to spending five hours per day, five days per week, studying life. He wanted to identify what he now refers to as Simple, Common, Timeless Human Truths about life. In his quest, Joe felt compelled to answer a simple, yet difficult question, before he was overcome by the cancer:
What is the essence of a fulfilling, successful and happy life?

What Joe couldn’t know when he made this promise was that with incredible advances in chemotherapy, he would become one of the first people ever cured of metastasized, testicular cancer. With this gift, he decided he would continue his study, and began to systematically collect and analyze his findings about the essence of a fulfilling, successful and happy life. His efforts culminated in a best-selling book and PBS special, both called The Power of Losing Control, as well as a highly successful career as a compelling and engaging keynote speaker.


As the world began to learn more about Joe, and vice versa, businesses and organizations wanted him to apply his findings to their needs. With that, Joe set about applying his tried and true approach of studying life to studying the Simple, Common, Timeless, Truths about Business and organizational success, which he now applies with leadership teams and organizations worldwide.

Joe is acclaimed as one of the most respected business and organizational advisors in the world. He is the only non-multinational CEO to be invited to address the Admirals and Generals at the National Defense University. Joe has also been invited to teach and share his findings at the Keenan Flagler Business School, and the Naval Post-Graduate Academy, and was named one of the 50 Most Influential Minds in Personal Development by Nightingale-Conant.

Joe lives one third of the year on an island between Michigan and Canada with his wife, Carol. The rest of the year they travel for business and pleasure.

Reviews

[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a series of mundane but unusual events, this book jumped out at me at the library. I thought I got it to better understand someone else, who expressed a profound discomfort with letting go of control. But it turns out I got it to help me understand myself.

I had a big-deal therapy session in which I thought I was working on identifying false beliefs. I picked out the five overarching themes from my losses throughout my life and what I had concluded from them. Then I presented them to my therapist, expecting her to shoot holes in them and prove to me that they were false beliefs, then help me reprogram them.

Instead, she said they were true. Everyone really does leave, whether they move away, you have a fight, you drift apart, or one of you dies. Life is generally full of blindsiding surprises and is fundamentally uncontrollable.

Her take was even more depressing and hopeless-seeming than mine, and I started to despair. Life really is fundamentally uncontrollable? We really can’t control anything??? :(((((((

And then I walked past this book on the top of my stack of library books, and it popped up with what to do about all this and how to turn it into a gift.

…

I had such a different experience with the first half of this book vs. the second. For the first half, it was like every word was a gift, custom written just for me. Then I got a little bogged down in the faith chapter, and it felt like it dragged from then on. I don’t know if it was the book that changed or me. But I remain grateful for the first half pulling me out of my despair and offering me such hope and perfectly-fitted answers.

Notes
P. 6 Author diagnosed with testicular cancer, spread to both lungs, abdomen, and lymph nodes—incurable and 0% survival rate at the time (1978). He tried to control they only thing he could: planning his funeral. Nurse talked to him. 3% predicted survival rate for the experimental chemotherapy treatment (chemo was just being developed at the time). If he was in that 3%, what was his chance of survival? 100%. And if somebody was going to be the first to be cured, couldn’t it be him?

She didn’t say it would be him, or that he’d survive, or any of that. Just pointed out that if he assumed he was doing to die, he definitely wouldn’t be among the success stories. So he decided to make the most of whatever life he had left. No time to develop wisdom himself (didn’t expect to live that long), so he decided to read and learn from the wise ones as much as he could.

P. 11
The author’s personal mission statement is “to devote my life to learning all I could about life and to developing myself to the best of my abilities to help other people, in and beyond my lifetime—and I added three years later) to enjoy it.”

P. 36
Don’t have to find all your old myths/limiting beliefs and work to reprogram them. Just ask yourself if a particular thought, emotion, or behavior is serving you now. If no, look for a context that would allow you to replace it. As you think and behave differently, your myths will change themselves.

P. 39
Author’s father and a German kid rode to work at an auto factory together every morning with a grumpy driver. Kid loved his job and co-workers because he saw himself as making cars. Driver convinced him he didn’t make cars, he just moved one piece of metal from here to there, then did the same thing again and again and again all day. Kid was basically never happy again. The grumpy driver changed his context for the worse. Don’t do that to people.

P. 46 We’re all fundamentally alone in our experience of life (nobody else can experience it exactly as we do). We deny this by:
- I don’t need you (can’t accept help or support, etc.)
- I need to experience me through you (needy, clingy)
- I need you to validate me by having you experience me (know-it-all, do it my way)

P. 56 Ben Zander, director of the Boston Philharmonic and World Youth Orchestra—when he starts working with a new group, everyone is paralyzed by fear of making a mistake. He challenges them to play with passion, and if they make a mistake, just throw up their hands and yell “Isn’t that interesting!”

P.57 “In order to change the way we thing, act, or feel, we first have to give ourselves permission to think, act or feel in a way that doesn’t serve us.” Then recognize it, acknowledge it, and choose what we want instead.

P. 58
“We are always expressing either love or fear. Fear is really a call for help… a request for love. Fear and love can never be experienced at the same time. By choosing love instead of fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships.” —Gerald G. Jampolsky, Love is Letting Go of Fear

The author seems to be saying we can’t experience both at the same time because the sympathetic nervous system does fear and the parasympathetic does love. He doesn’t come right out and say that, though.

Example: mother separated from her 5-year-old daughter at Disney World. So panicked, she spent several minutes frantically yelling at a Disney employee about her missing daughter, before he was able to get her to see that her daughter had been sitting next to him the whole time.

P. 60
If you’re upset or in a bad mood, look for what you’re afraid of.

P. 72
Uncomfortable in a conversation? figure out what your gig is. What does the other person want from you? How do they want to feel? Usually, they want you to listen and validate them. Maybe empathy, maybe to feel important. Rarely solutions.

P. 73
Biggest factor in people doing what we want is how much they like themselves when they’re with us. (As opposed to how much they like us)

P. 75
How to be likable and valued by others:
“The Four Rules of Engagement
1. Everyone is always right.
2. Everyone’s greatest desire is to be right.
3. You can’t change another person’s mind.
4. You can help people shift their perspectives.” (Emphasis the author’s)

P. 99
Is it in your control? Does it serve you?
If the answer to either question is no, let it go.

P. 106
Successful weight loss people who kept it off asked themselves: what do I need to let go of to lose X pounds?” (Ex. French fries, chocolate, eating after 7)

P. 141-142
Quote from Good to Great by Jim Collins: Admiral Jim Stockdale was the highest-ranking American soldier captured during the Vietnam war. “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which in retrospect I would not trade.” Some guys were optimists, expecting to get out by Christmas, then by Easter. They died of a broken heart. “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

P. 152
Transferable faith: the author’s dad had total faith he’d get through the cancer. The author had faith in his dad, so he had faith in his dad’s faith. That became the foundation for his own faith that he’d get through it. Just like when Jonathan believed in me, when Rick believed in me, etc. We can intentionally carry the faith torch for other people and let them fuel their faith from ours.

[Nabil Duarte · Rating 3 out of 5]

A wonderful read and guide to being a better human being. Has a lot of personal stories which always lead into a point the author is trying to convey.

[Jason · Rating 3 out of 5]

Caruso's book is interesting and he definitely makes some great points. I felt that, though he tried not to be, he was a little patronizing at times. He makes some great points and is dead on when it comes to our lack of any real control in our lives. The book can be applied to any area of our lives, work, relationships, etc... I found myself reflecting on how I relate with my children as it becomes increasingly obvious how little control I have on their actions and desires. Surely his focus on learning how to influence makes sense. A good interesting book and I gave it three stars as I'm not much on "self-help" type books.

[Cassandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book as it was recommended by a mentor but after multiple attempts I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the book. I found the author’s tone to be patronizing and just could never connect to his stories. There was nothing new in his techniques and how he repackaged it was apparently not for me. Gave off very Dave Ramsey vibes if you know what I mean.

[Shirin Abdel Rahman · Rating 1 out of 5]

كتاب ممل

[Matthew]

Joe Caruso is a cancer survivor, and it was this life-changing event that also became his core, defining moment, as well as the central point of this book.

Bad things happen, circumstances occur beyond our control...and in fact, pretty much everything that happens to us is outside our direct control.

This is not the worst thing to realize, though; if anything, it's liberating. It allows us to focus on what matters, what we can control--our focus, plan of action, and ultimately our attitude.

Caruso makes points made elsewhere, but brings to the table his unique circumstances, lending tremendous moral weight to the Truths he puts forth.

Only when we accept that we are in an out of control world can we then stare down reality in the face and DEAL with reality fully aware and cognizant of how little we really OUGHT to cling to, emotionally, particularly if it neither SERVES or IMPROVES us.

Great read, good for me to read it at this time in my life.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

The only personal development book you may or may not know you needed. I just loaded the new eBook version to my Kindle which has been updated with a new introduction and new content.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13...

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I am going to read it again!

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far so good :) I want to get to the chapter - "Your legacy is none of your business" because I am always kinda obsessed with leaving a legacy.

[Erin Pierce · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVE THIS BOOK.