My Two Moms: Lessons of Love, Strength, and What Makes a Family

by Zach Wahls

A resounding testament to individuality and the power of family in all forms from the young man who “lit up the Internet” (Ellen DeGeneres)

On January 31, 2011, Zach Wahls addressed the Iowa House Judiciary Committee in a public forum regarding full marriage equality. The nineteen-year-old son of a same-sex couple, Wahls proudly proclaimed, “The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero effect on the content of my character.” Hours later, his speech was posted on YouTube, where it went viral, quickly receiving more than two million views. By the end of the week, everyone knew his name and wanted to hear more from the boy with two moms.

Same-sex marriage will be a major—possibly the defining—issue in this year’s election cycle, and Wahls speaks to that, but also to a broader issue.  Sure, he’s handsome and athletic, an environmental engineering student, and an Eagle Scout. Yet, growing up with two moms, he knows what it’s like to feel different and to fear being made fun of or worse. In the inspirational spirit of It Gets Better edited by Dan Savage and Terry Miller, My Two Moms also delivers a reassuring message to same-sex couples, their kids, and anyone who’s ever felt like an outsider: “You are not alone.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT, Biography, Parenting, Book Club, Biography Memoir

234 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2012

Reviews

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fair warning: I am biased. I know this author. He babysits my kids. He even mentions he was supposed to babysit for us the night he went to speak at the Iowa House (on page 203). He is awesome and I hope he always connects with my kids and is someone they aspire to be like.

What I LOVE about the book itself is that he digs into his life experience with his family and illustrates the "values" his family has. It is beautiful. It gives me hope. And I truly hope his new campaign "Out to Dinner" works. I signed up, but am very unsure of who to invite as I live in a town where I truly do not know a lot of conservatives...

Anyway, the other thing I really love about the book is at the very end he "debates" common arguments against gay marriage. And every single one of them made so much sense to me. I hope this book can change some minds. Especially in that he proves that giving gay couples their full rights to marry and be equal, does not detract or infringe on anyone else's marriage/family.

[Jessie Potts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Warning this book contains a same sex couple who feels like it’s their right to be able to raise a child.

While that may seem like a dumb statement I feel like it should be said again. If same sex couples raising children isn’t something you believe in, and you don’t want to open your mind then pass on this book. For the rest of you out there this was a touching a sweet story of Zach Wahls and his two mothers.

Wahls was on the Daily show, which originally got me interested in reading his book. He seemed extremely confidant, successful and more importantly happy; which is what any parent strives (or should strive) for their child to be. This is not his first time speaking on the issue of gay parenting, last year he added a new voice to the issue, one of the child in question being raised. He was so verbally eloquent that a book was a logical next step.

The book focuses on the different ideals he learned as an Eagle Scout, and how they are/were applied to his childhood and family. It was an interesting way to discuss gay parenting, by using the ideals of the traditional ‘American Ideal’, a boy scout. I think it also proves that in America there are many ways to describe family, and not every family who is ‘different’ is broken.

The book is easily read and contains many lessons as well as wisdom in dealing with adversity. While this book may not appeal to everyone, I feel like each person should pick up this or a similar story to really get the perspective from the people that gay parenting actually affects… the child/ren in question.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Objectively, I should give this book 4 stars: 5 for content, 3 for writing and pacing, but I'm letting my heart have the lion's share of the vote on this one.

First, my quibbles: the author uses the 12 principles/character traits he learned in Boy Scouting to talk about his upbringing and civil rights for gays. The problem is that he jumps all over the place chronologically, and it is very hard to keep track of what else is going on in his life at certain junctures. For example, he talks about wrestling with his mom's wheelchair on a blistering hot day, losing his temper, and being ashamed of himself; then, a few paragraphs later, he talks about his moms trying to keep her illness a secret from the kids. He refers a bunch of times to the difficulty that Tall Mom (love it!) had with her second pregnancy, but never tells that story. Perhaps it wasn't his to tell (Zebby, write a book!), but then don't refer to it at all.

However, I gave this 5 stars because I loved it. He makes all the arguments about marriage between two consenting adults being a right that is ingrained in our constitution, and then talks about how children of strong character are nurtured in a loving marraige, no matter what the gender or orientation of the parents may be. <3

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

For more reviews please visit www.canneryrowreads.com

I've shied away from reviewing any books that may be seen as politically controversial on this blog but this book was too good to pass up for a review. As some of you have read this may know already, I am as liberal as they come. I interned for the very progressive Senator Feingold while in college and will passionately defend my beliefs to the death.

But this book opened up even my eyes to things about the LGBT movement I had never considered before. You may have heard of Zach Wahls previously. He is the very articulate, passionate young man who testified before the Iowa House Judiciary Committee in 2011 about the proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in Iowa. You can view his testiomeny, which went viral here.

Zach is an Eagle Scout and he used the 12 principles/character traits he learned from the Boy Scouts for each of his chapters. He speaks about how his two moms taught him these lessons over and over throughout his life and shows what a positive influence they have had on him. The love you read from him, and the love between his two mothers you see through his eyes can leave no doubt in your mind that their family is just like anybody else's.

The book was an easy and enjoyable read and it is clear from Zach's arguments that he deserved the debate championship he won in high school. He is a remarkable young man and I am sure there are still amazing things to come from. I highly recommend this book to everybody. I loved it and I guarantee you'll learn from it.

[Joan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know that the writing deserves 4 stars to be real honest. However, the kid's courage and love deserves the 4 stars. He is a child of two parents who happen to be women. One is both his and his younger sister's biological mother. The other is her longtime partner who happens to be female. He states over and over again that his mothers' sexuality had no effect on his character. Their beliefs and moral stance had everything to do with his character, but not their sex. He adores the boy scouts, while admitting that he was lucky that his troop didn't care about what sex his parents were as long as he was being brought up in a moral fashion by boy scout standards. He made it to the top ranks of boy scout, Eagle Scout. His moms were with him every step of the way, more or less, since one developed MS and was in a wheelchair for a long time. Somehow she overcame the wasting disease but Zach says that disease had a much greater impact on him than her sexuality. He points out that legally, the oath "for better or for worse" didn't have any legal validity for his other mother but she stuck through the disease and never gave any thought to leaving a terribly upsetting, painful situation. His point was that the oath had real significance for her, but not because of legal obligations. He described the panic and frustration when the other mother rushed his little sister to the hospital with a broken arm. She couldn't authorize treatment for the kid, even though the kid had never known anyone else as a parent. This person is a nurse practitioner so really knew what was going on in both situations. He would be in favor of everyone having civil unions, with marriages reserved for religious institutions. He makes a decent point for this idea but I don't think that is the direction the country is moving in. The writing got somewhat repetitive but the young man is very ernest in his polemic and seems to be a lovely person well brought up which was his main point.

[Kara Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first heard of Zach Wahls when his testimony went viral. I learned that he had written this book while watching The Daily Show. I put a copy on hold for myself from the library and I must say that it had the fewest amount of holds for any book that I have requested after seeing it on the Daily Show. I must say that I agree with him that one day I think my son's generation will wonder what the big deal was about allowing gay's the right to marry--just as I now do about segregation or interracial marriages. Even though, I have been open to the idea of gay marriage, I'd had strong feelings on their ability to raise a child, especially in the conservative Midwest. This book really made me challenge my thinking. It was well thought out and presented in a very logical manner. Sometimes the writing felt redundant, but I guess that is because at the heart of his argument, there was just one solid reason that he kept returning too. I challenge you to read this book and see how it makes you react as well.

[Steve Fox · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is by the young man who was a YouTube sensation after testifying before the Iowa legislature about being raised by two moms - in support of same-sex marriage. He has a great story. The book doesn't capture it as well as his video - part of what makes his story great is that he's this tall, handsome, white, well-spoken young man in support of something that is all too often stereotyped. He busts all those stereotypes. A great message, but the book could do a much better job of telling the story. Many will like this book simply because it is by Zach Wahls. I'm not as impressed with this one.

[Heidi | Paper Safari Book Blog · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was moved when I saw Zach Wahls address the Iowa Judiciary Committee it was hard to believe he was only 19 years old. Wahls book is about his family. Growing up with two moms and how although he doesn't have anything to compare it to he thinks it wasn't too much different than the way a lot of kids grow up. Sure there were times when he was picked on, or bullied because his family was different and there were times when he hid that he had two moms because he didn't want to be seen as different, not that he was embarrassed by them he just wanted to fit in at that moment.

One of my favorite quotes of the book was "I'm not gay, but I know how it feels to be in the closet." This is such a profound statement. He has a unique perspective on what gay people deal with on a daily basis. He has seen his parents struggle for basic rights. But this book isn't just about having two moms, its about being a good person. Its about standing up for yourself but not at the expense of someone else. Its about opening your heart and your mind to differences and being open to listen. He may not change your mind on gay marriage or even gay parenting but I would find it hard to believe that anyone could say that this boy wasn't raised by two very loving parents who instilled in him an amazing value system, and taught him to appreciate the differences in everyone, even those you may not agree with.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

A young man gives more than a glimpse into his family life comprised of two moms and a younger sister. His moms used a parenting book on values by the Mormon couple Linda and Richard Eyre to help lead discussions at dinner time on what was expected of their children and why. His moms were also active in the cub and troop level in scouting where Zach achieved the rank of Eagle. He points out that his family is like any other where the struggle, love, and try to be good citizens.
Zach also points out that the U.S. Supreme Court in the unanimous ruling of Loving V. Virginia, that marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man". So being able to marry the person you choose is a civil rights issue.
I liked his statement, "Your god may very well tell you that marriage is only between a man and a woman and that homosexuality is an abomination, but this is not a theocracy." And a little further on the same page, "...if the church can push its morality onto the state, the state will certainly inflict its morality onto the church."
He also has a separate section in the back for frequently asked questions and one with The Debate and the responses.
He does a wonderful job representing his family.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I love hearing people's stories and Zach definitely had a story to tell. He is very insightful for someone his age and does a great job putting his thoughts to paper. This is the story of Zach Walls who was raised by lesbian parents and through stories from his life he illustrates how he was raised with a good value system.

As another reviewer stated Zach does often interrupt one story to tell another one, from some other time in his life, and then return to the original story. This did not bother me as I think like this too at times. Also his writing is very good and easy to follow even during these points in his book.

The last page of the chapter section of his book contained one of many examples of how he tackles this subject very well. I have included it below.

"Opponents will often talk about the struggle and challenges that children of gay couples have to go through. I will say only this: We have to go through those challenges because you put us through them. We only have to experience that pain because you insist on inflicting it. By trying to tell us that there that there is something wrong with gay marriage, that there is something wrong with families led by gay couples, you create something wrong - you become the source of our pain."

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you grew up lucky enough to have two parents who loved you and taught you how to be a good person, then you have something in common with Zach Wahls. You might not have two moms like he does, but that doesn't really matter. At all. I was lucky enough that my two loving parents taught me that love is love, there is nothing wrong with same gendered couples and I have been lucky to always have great same sex couples in my life. If you know someone who isn't as lucky, but has at least a bit of an open mind, this might be a good thing to give them to read. In many ways it is the very ordinary story of a boy growing up, which is exactly the point, who also happens to be a wonderful advocate for marriage equality based on his family.

A quick read and a good reminder that you can change people's minds and hearts, even if it's a slow process. I also particularly liked the section at the end with all the reasons people bring up to oppose gay marriage and his responses to each.

[Molly G · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even when you're already convinced of something, it's always good to keep expanding and refining your outlook. And sometimes it's just really cool and refreshing to hear/read things, which you may already think, expressed incredibly well. Plus, there's always more you hadn't thought of! Wahls's Speech & Debate and journalism experience show in his writing. Well constructed, well thought-out, well founded, and very engaging. There was a moment in the last third of the book where for some reason I felt myself lose momentum and wanted to stop reading, but I'm very glad I kept going to the end. (Keep in mind I read an Advance Reader Copy, which is not quite a final edit.)

It also makes me want to check out the parenting book he references, even though I don't have kids. Well done and very welcome!

[Sara Schlesinger-Whittaker]

This is such an important (and surprisingly inspirational) book. It was a delight to read a book by a former student, too. WSS represent!

[Mark]

Hoped for: Uplifting account of winning against the odds.

Got: Bland generalities and glib self-congratulation.

[Johnny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zach Wahls is the poster child for the modern family movement; the child of two gay women who raised him and his sister in Iowa, he represents everything that is right about parenting, and parenting that has very little to do with biological ties. He walks the reader through the pillars of the Boy Scouts of America (quite ironically given their recent anti-equality stance), coupling each element with narrative stories of his upbringing and rational explanations for true acceptance in our country. When he argues that "the refusal to recognize how someone identifies himself is to imply that you are a better judge of who that person is than he is of himself. To suggest that anyone or any family that is not a mirror image of you or your family somehow lacks validity is the height of disrespect and dishonesty" (106), it's hard to argue his logic. One of the most memorable moments is when he strategically argues that studies focused on the benefit of families with one mother and one father are much more about class and wealth than some arbitrary benefit provided by the mere presence of two particular genders.

As the parent of two adopted children, I also found his thoughts on the ways in which modern families are constructed refreshing. He suggests that "biologically, everyone has a 'father,' but 'dad' is a title that is earned and cemented by an emotional, not genetic bond" (191). This is an explanation that I will use to help my children understand their relationship to their parents, and one that I wholeheartedly agree with having been raised by a step-father when my deadbeat biological father willingly left my mother and me when I was infant.

This book is an incredibly swift read, and I recommend it for every parent, regardless of your sexuality or family make-up, as well as for anyone interested in learning more about the gay marriage debate.

[Jenny Wuehrmann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to say, off the bat, I didn't finish this book. In fact, I probably made it less than a quarter of the way through. It wouldn't have terrible to keep going, but I already felt as if I got the gist, and I wanted to spend my reading time elsewhere.

I guess my biggest complaint was just that the author is very young, and it shows. The concept behind his story is good, and I think it's good that he's sharing, but I just don't think he was quite ready for prime time memoirs. He has a tendency to make sweeping assertions about human psychology, that could potentially be backed up by theory, but instead he presents them as his personal observations. For example, when discussing being teased in elementary school, the author reflects,

'I think part of the reason boys think calling another boy a girl is insulting is that, from a young boy's perspective, a girl is very foreign and strange, and initially that's kind of scary."

It almost comes off as though there aren't people who study gender issues and he's the first to provide a theory. Who knows, it might be my social science background, but his style bothered me. It might be the combination of youth and assertions. It seemed as though the author was either too old or too young to write this - at a younger age, it could have been a look through a child's eyes at his family - or, contrarily, age and experience could have added a level of depth to his message.

And yes, this was from only reading about 50 pages.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zach Wahls became somewhat of an internet sensation awhile back after his testimony in front of the Iowa House Judiciary Committee regarding gay marriage was posted on YouTube. Zach was raised by two moms and testified that the fact that he had two parents of the same sex had nothing to do with the content of his character.

In this book Wahls recounts the story of his life growing up as the son of two mothers, and how that experience did and did not shape his life. Ultimately his conclusion is that the way in which his mothers raised him and not the fact that they were lesbians is what molded him into the man he is today. The things that did affect him were due to the reactions others had to his parentage, which would not be an issue at all if people accepted the fact that homosexuals can parent just as well as heterosexuals.

Wahls is an Eagle Scout and organizes the book in chapters according to the Boy Scout Law, explaining how his two moms raised him to be someone who is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. I suspect that most of the people who will gravitate to reading this book will be people who already agree with the position Wahl's espousing, but hopefully it will make its way into the hands of others who can be influenced by the story of this impressive young man.

[Aneel Trivedi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm very impressed with Zach Wahls. I'd love to read more from him as he gets older.

I found Zach's struggle with his mom's sickness to be the most compelling part of the story. As I think back on my own experience with a terminally ill parent, I can't help but love this kid and deeply respect his attitude and maturity. If I had to deal with a system that refused to recognize my healthy parent's rights in the hospital, I would have almost certainly grown bitter. He seemed to acknowledge the blatant injustice without letting anger and bitterness fester.

One final point - did you know that it's legal to marry your first cousin in Alabama? And that if you live in Ohio, and want to marry your first cousin, all you have to do is travel to Alabama and get married... and that Ohio then has to recognize that union? But if you're gay, states do not have to recognize unions from other states? That's... insane.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw Zach Wahls on the Ellen DeGeneres show recently. At 19 he had appeared in front of Iowa politicians at a public hearing about Gay marriages. He is a child of two lesbian moms, who spoke with such wisdom and strength, and I had to admire his composure.

In NZ we have had civil unions for gays and lesbians for quite a few years, giving equal rights hopefully for our gay friends. To be honest, I wonder what all the fuss is in other countries. It hasn't made any families fall apart here, the world keeps spinning.

His moms must be so proud of him, and I love that people are standing up and questioning why his moms and other gay and lesbian couples continue to be discriminated against in their legal rights and medical care.

A touching memoir that was a surprise from a twenty year old 3/5

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a gift. I had heard Zach Walhs testimony to the Iowa legislature back in 2009 and I thought it was impressive but I don't think i would have picked up the book on my own.

I though the young man expressed himself well and I appreciated the logical formulation of his arguments and how he related his experience to the politics of the issue of same sex marriage.

Though I thought the book was readable and would probably recommend it, I thought it dragged in a few places where the voice was that of a young man, barely out of his teens, sort of impressed by things that seem more important at that time in one's life. Having said that, I think most of the time the voice in which he writes is more mature than I would expect for such a young man.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book in two days. It was an easy read and kept my interest. I think he makes some excellent points.

His chapters on kindness and courtesy helped me to examine my own life and figure out how I can be more kind and gracious even under difficult circumstances.

I don't understand at all why gay marriage is such a volatile subject. Ti seems obvious to me that anyone should be allowed to be married and given the rights that marriage entails. It breaks my heart to read how Terry was in pain and Jackie, her wife, was treated like a stranger in the hospital.

I am sad to live ina society that still denies rights to all of its citizens and (ever the eternal optimist) I am hopeful that will change.

[Mary Vermillion · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hope that lots of people read this book. It makes a powerful case for marriage quality. Zach Wahls is a gifted, principled young man, who was raised by two strong and dedicated women.

Although the book is occassionally preachy (in part because it's organized around Boy Scout principles), most of the time MY TWO MOMS is inspirational, thought-provoking, and funny. Wahls makes a particularly good point about the importance of listening.

As an Iowa Citian, I enjoyed reading about an Iowa City family, and as a writer, I enjoyed reading about Wahls' development as a writer. I plan to teach this book in my freshman writing course, Writing and Social Issues.

[Sarah Chamberlain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zach Wahls was a state champion debater in high school, an athlete and an Eagle Scout. Majoring in civil engineering in college he founded Iowa City Learns, a service whose purpose is elevating academic achievement, and is the CFO of a solar financing start-up company. Oh, and he is 20 and has two mothers. Organizing his book into chapters based upon the Scout motto (Be prepared), the 12 Scout laws, the Scout oath, and the Scout slogan (Do a good turn daily) Wahls writes convincingly from his own experience that the sexual orientation of his parents had zero effect on the content of his character. Whatever your views on same sex marriage, you owe it to yourself to read this book.

[Brenna Cronin · Rating 5 out of 5]

WONDERFUL!! I'm so happy that I stumbled on Zach's memoir. In a season of discovering, I found his testaments to be incredibly grounded and sincere. His story is empowering - especially the examples of his parents making medical decisions for each other - all while battling a god-awful disease. Family is indeed, the community you create - whether that's the family you gain by joining the boy scouts, the family that arrives after you're already born, or the family you find after your emotional and moving speech to our government goes viral - its all family. And we need to do a better job at caring and respecting that it's an essential and life giving institution that all people deserve.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

there has rarely been a more compelling arguement that gay couples can raise happy, well-adjusted children than zach wahls. in each chapter, based on one of the tenents of the boy scout law, wahls offers thoughful, reasoned arguements by sharing stories from his own family life. his moms, jackie and terry, are remarkable parents - not because they're gay, but because they were determined to raise responsible, kind, happy children.

this is a great look at a family life that is exceptional for its ordinariness - and that's the point.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first saw Zach Wahls on Ellen, and then found the YouTube video afterward. For someone so young, he is so well versed! I imagine his moms are very proud of him, as well as most that know him personally. In the book, he talks about what it was like for him growing up, and also what his life is like since making his speech. For someone that isn't an author, I was captivated by his story and how well written it was. He's definitely going places, and one to watch for. America, and the world, need more people like Zach Wahls!

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to have watched Zach Wahls address the Iowa House Judiciary Committee in early 2011 and realized immediately that this was a young man with an incredible voice to share. When 'My Two Moms' was released I was quick to dive in. I found his writing to be just as eloquent and powerful as his speech was. I love this book and loved the personal glimpse into how his Mother's were able to raise such an incredible and inspiring young man.

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This young man's story is a reminder to be kind. He's not the "lesbian son" poster child, but a regular guy who wants to see positive change. The organization Out to Dinner is a great idea and I'm so glad he has done this! I loved his scouting stories the best because I have a boy scout at home and I am, at times, worried about the anti-gay problems with the organization. But this young man had a great experience and lives the scout laws everyday.

[Roberta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Zach's famous speech was powerful and intelligent, and the book is too with an intimate look into his life, the values his moms taught him, and his ideas about equality. He is frank and inspirational, and delivers a strong rebuttal to every argument the opposition usually delivers. Well done Zach. Keep speaking out. The world needs more young people like you.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I an biased, because I am an Iowan and this subject matter is so important to me.
The author doesn't have the best writing style but his activism and honesty make
this story worthy of your time. He clearly argues why society should legalize gay marriage,
not that it should be an argument. It's so obvious that we should just call all
marriages between consenting adults that and end discrimination.