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New Rules of Marr (Lib)
In his extraordinary new audiobook, Terrence Real, distinguished therapist and bestselling author, presents a long overdue message that women need to hear: You aren't crazy-you're right!
Women have changed in the last twenty-five years-they have become powerful, independent, self-confident, and happy. Yet many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached. They don't know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up.
Enter the good news: In this revolutionary audiobook, Real offers women a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner.
We have never wanted so much from our relationships as we do today. More than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. "The New Rules of Marriage" shows us how to fulfill this courageous and uncompromising new vision.
Women have changed in the last twenty-five years-they have become powerful, independent, self-confident, and happy. Yet many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached. They don't know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up.
Enter the good news: In this revolutionary audiobook, Real offers women a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner.
We have never wanted so much from our relationships as we do today. More than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. "The New Rules of Marriage" shows us how to fulfill this courageous and uncompromising new vision.
Audio CD
First published January 1, 2007
644 people are currently reading
3015 people want to read
About the author
Terrence Real
17 books298 followersAlso writes as Terry Real.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 136 reviews
September 15, 2020
My husband and I read this book as a recommendation from our therapist. And she did warn me that I might not love parts of it. Although it has some helpful techniques for communicating and fighting "well," I could not stand Real's outdated and often sexist examples. His female patients/ characters/ examples are painfully reductive. He essentially implies that all relational tension between men and women correlates to feminism and women wanting more. This on its own is a gross generalization and ignores many other changing societal factors.
I ended up skimming a lot of this book and focused only on the tangible exercises. I would assume (and hope) there are better, less presumptuous marriage books out there.
I ended up skimming a lot of this book and focused only on the tangible exercises. I would assume (and hope) there are better, less presumptuous marriage books out there.
May 12, 2022
Overview
In the 20th century, marriage was traditional in the sense that, like marriage for centuries before, happiness meant, above all, being good companions. The great roles for men and women of the 20th century were forged: Man-the-Breadwinner and Woman-the-Caretaker.
But similar to other societal shifts, in the last generation, women have significantly changed and men, by and large, have not. This is not a criticism of men… It is a simple fact! And this change in women is occurring as expectations of modern marriages are also changing. Newly empowered, women across America have turned to men and began insisting on levels of emotional intimacy that most men – raised under the old regime – are not readily able to meet. By writing “The New Rules of Marriage”, Terrence Real is attempting to offer his solutions to the opportunities within the 21st-century marriage. Where he gets it completely wrong though, is in his insistence that women need to do the heavy lifting if they want to improve their marriages.
Why I Don’t Like This Book
The shift from seeing marriage as companionship to seeing marriage as a sustained form of intimacy is a transformation of historical proportions. The new marriage takes the stability, the building of a life together, that was the whole of marriage a generation ago, and grafts onto it the expectations of a lifelong romance. I don’t know Terrence Real but can only assume that his intentions with this book were positive. Where I think he gets it wrong is in his target audience: “The Modern Woman.”
The crux of his thesis is as follows:
Contemporary women have two “sets” of relationship strategies: the traditional set handed down from the beginning of the 20th century, and the “liberated” set handed down from the end of the 20th century. Neither gets them the love they want and deserve.
To put it lightly, that is a BOLD statement, and honestly, the point at which I think this book loses validity.
The onus of fixing the “modern marriage” is placed squarely on the shoulders of “empowered women.” Again not my words… Terrence Real’s words over and over in this book confirm his belief in this. The onus is so skewed towards women doing the hard work that one of his “Golden Rules of Relationship Empowerment” is:
“What Can I (insert Woman) give you (insert Man) to help you (insert Man) give me (insert Woman) what I want. Said more simply, since men are not capable, women have to tell them exactly what they need to get what they need. Now there is a semblance of a truism in the fact that a person can’t help you if you don’t ask for help. I get that.
What I don’t like though is how Real’s rules and strategies is how it comes off as one-sided, targeted only at woman rather than the couple. And his tone simply sucks throughout this book. It’s got a degree of mansplaining in it.
Final Thoughts
I can’t remember for certain how I stumbled upon this book. In general, I do believe that it takes some guts to write a relationship self-help book, and I honestly commend Terrence Real for his efforts. But in all honesty, he just falls short as I explained in the above review.
There are some points he makes that are valid and worth implementing in your relationship with people in general:
• From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”
• I agree with his five losing strategies: (1) Needing to be right (2) Controlling your partner (3) Unbridled self-expression (4) Retaliation (5) Withdrawal
• Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.
• Life’s stressors rarely determine a couple’s dynamic. Your relationship’s dynamic will determine how well, or how poorly, you’ll handle life’s stressors.
• We moderns aren’t built for noble self-sacrifice.
In closing, I wouldn’t recommend this book. I am by no means an expert on the relationship self-help genre. There are some things I took away that were valuable, but as a whole, I wouldn’t recommend this book. I do agree with one point though that Terrence Real makes: If you want an extraordinary relationship, you’re going to have to behave extraordinarily in it.
Final Book Scoring
Easy to Read: (3/5) Satisfactory
Deep Content: (2/5) Needs Improvement
Overall Rating: (2/5) Needs Improvement
In the 20th century, marriage was traditional in the sense that, like marriage for centuries before, happiness meant, above all, being good companions. The great roles for men and women of the 20th century were forged: Man-the-Breadwinner and Woman-the-Caretaker.
But similar to other societal shifts, in the last generation, women have significantly changed and men, by and large, have not. This is not a criticism of men… It is a simple fact! And this change in women is occurring as expectations of modern marriages are also changing. Newly empowered, women across America have turned to men and began insisting on levels of emotional intimacy that most men – raised under the old regime – are not readily able to meet. By writing “The New Rules of Marriage”, Terrence Real is attempting to offer his solutions to the opportunities within the 21st-century marriage. Where he gets it completely wrong though, is in his insistence that women need to do the heavy lifting if they want to improve their marriages.
Why I Don’t Like This Book
The shift from seeing marriage as companionship to seeing marriage as a sustained form of intimacy is a transformation of historical proportions. The new marriage takes the stability, the building of a life together, that was the whole of marriage a generation ago, and grafts onto it the expectations of a lifelong romance. I don’t know Terrence Real but can only assume that his intentions with this book were positive. Where I think he gets it wrong is in his target audience: “The Modern Woman.”
The crux of his thesis is as follows:
Contemporary women have two “sets” of relationship strategies: the traditional set handed down from the beginning of the 20th century, and the “liberated” set handed down from the end of the 20th century. Neither gets them the love they want and deserve.
To put it lightly, that is a BOLD statement, and honestly, the point at which I think this book loses validity.
The onus of fixing the “modern marriage” is placed squarely on the shoulders of “empowered women.” Again not my words… Terrence Real’s words over and over in this book confirm his belief in this. The onus is so skewed towards women doing the hard work that one of his “Golden Rules of Relationship Empowerment” is:
“What Can I (insert Woman) give you (insert Man) to help you (insert Man) give me (insert Woman) what I want. Said more simply, since men are not capable, women have to tell them exactly what they need to get what they need. Now there is a semblance of a truism in the fact that a person can’t help you if you don’t ask for help. I get that.
What I don’t like though is how Real’s rules and strategies is how it comes off as one-sided, targeted only at woman rather than the couple. And his tone simply sucks throughout this book. It’s got a degree of mansplaining in it.
Final Thoughts
I can’t remember for certain how I stumbled upon this book. In general, I do believe that it takes some guts to write a relationship self-help book, and I honestly commend Terrence Real for his efforts. But in all honesty, he just falls short as I explained in the above review.
There are some points he makes that are valid and worth implementing in your relationship with people in general:
• From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”
• I agree with his five losing strategies: (1) Needing to be right (2) Controlling your partner (3) Unbridled self-expression (4) Retaliation (5) Withdrawal
• Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.
• Life’s stressors rarely determine a couple’s dynamic. Your relationship’s dynamic will determine how well, or how poorly, you’ll handle life’s stressors.
• We moderns aren’t built for noble self-sacrifice.
In closing, I wouldn’t recommend this book. I am by no means an expert on the relationship self-help genre. There are some things I took away that were valuable, but as a whole, I wouldn’t recommend this book. I do agree with one point though that Terrence Real makes: If you want an extraordinary relationship, you’re going to have to behave extraordinarily in it.
Final Book Scoring
Easy to Read: (3/5) Satisfactory
Deep Content: (2/5) Needs Improvement
Overall Rating: (2/5) Needs Improvement
August 5, 2021
I like many of these tools very much, love the relationship grid, love the "losing strategies". I think Real has a particular knack for explaining where men's thinking gets dysfunctional in relationships (the grandiosity frame, so useful)
I want to emphasize that I really do like this book, before I complain about three things. First, do we have to title the book "marriage" ( can I recommend it to clients who aren't married?), and second, if you're going to make it all about straight people, could we at least acknowledge, or you know maybe broaden the audience a little?
Second, Real is a dude, so he's good at speaking to the needs of dudes. Useful, (when you are in relationship with a dude) but could we take a moment to at least acknowledge that most of the emotional labor is going to fall on women, again, and we are freaking tired. And it's not fair!! Just a little tiny acknowledgement. I'm not asking you to make it fair. Just acknowledge it.
Third, I really really appreciate that he moved away from the unscientific use of the word "addiction " (in previous books he used love/ sex addiction) mostly he used words like compulsive, but the addiction word was still there.
I want to emphasize that I really do like this book, before I complain about three things. First, do we have to title the book "marriage" ( can I recommend it to clients who aren't married?), and second, if you're going to make it all about straight people, could we at least acknowledge, or you know maybe broaden the audience a little?
Second, Real is a dude, so he's good at speaking to the needs of dudes. Useful, (when you are in relationship with a dude) but could we take a moment to at least acknowledge that most of the emotional labor is going to fall on women, again, and we are freaking tired. And it's not fair!! Just a little tiny acknowledgement. I'm not asking you to make it fair. Just acknowledge it.
Third, I really really appreciate that he moved away from the unscientific use of the word "addiction " (in previous books he used love/ sex addiction) mostly he used words like compulsive, but the addiction word was still there.
April 27, 2008
This will be the wedding gift that I would give to any newly married couple. Good relationship advice for anyone though.
September 5, 2022
Glad this was our book club pick because I never would have picked it up.
Loved that he included modern culture, things that we are facing in this day and age. And loved his blunt honesty, telling people you’re just being mean.
Highlights: Say I’m mad, not your bad
Saying whatever you want is just being a brat
You learned as a child about relationships by watching your parents and will fall into similar roles
Protect your self with pysicological boundary. Then your environment doesn’t effect you so much
Talks with spouse: Clarify, acknowledge, give (change where you can)
Remember joy, appreciation, cherish and fun in your relationship
Loved that he included modern culture, things that we are facing in this day and age. And loved his blunt honesty, telling people you’re just being mean.
Highlights: Say I’m mad, not your bad
Saying whatever you want is just being a brat
You learned as a child about relationships by watching your parents and will fall into similar roles
Protect your self with pysicological boundary. Then your environment doesn’t effect you so much
Talks with spouse: Clarify, acknowledge, give (change where you can)
Remember joy, appreciation, cherish and fun in your relationship
March 25, 2025
Great, both from a practical advice regarding marriage standpoint and a general life improvement standpoint. Assuming one is at least trying for self-awareness, this gives quite a few tools, and also teaches both communication and healthy relationships at the same time.
January 2, 2023
I found this book to be exceptionally useful. I'm engaged and prior to getting married, we decided (I suggested) that we read this book together and talk about how we can grow together in our relationship prior to getting married. We also subsequently read a book that asks difficult questions to ensure we're fully prepared prior to "tying the knot."
I learned a lot about how to be a better significant other and what things are, and are not, important. And, I think one thing I'll always remember because it's something I needed to hear: relationships aren't about objective truth -- it's about subjectivism. If the speed limit is 45 and I'm driving 50 (even though everyone else is going 55), if my significant other feels unsafe, then I'm driving unsafely.
There were certainly aspects of the book that I didn't need to hear or read, but this book wasn't written solely for me. I'd suggest it for any and all looking to strengthen or solidify their relationship.
I learned a lot about how to be a better significant other and what things are, and are not, important. And, I think one thing I'll always remember because it's something I needed to hear: relationships aren't about objective truth -- it's about subjectivism. If the speed limit is 45 and I'm driving 50 (even though everyone else is going 55), if my significant other feels unsafe, then I'm driving unsafely.
There were certainly aspects of the book that I didn't need to hear or read, but this book wasn't written solely for me. I'd suggest it for any and all looking to strengthen or solidify their relationship.
November 4, 2022
What a wonderful book. #68 of the year!! I first heard about Terrence Real’s work in bell hooks’ book, “The Will to Change.” I knew with how much she referenced his books and methods that it all would be great, they are incredible. I found myself laughing aloud during this book with how blunt he is. He is not the traditional psychotherapist and that is for the best. In the Resources section, he says bell’s book is “A terrific book on men’s psychology from a leading feminist thinker.”
April 29, 2020
This is the best book on how to navigate intimacy with a partner that I've read yet—and I've read a few! Although Terrence Real frames things from a pretty heteronormative standpoint, the practical suggestions for how to function in a relationship and how to develop the 21st-century skills to do so with—as he calls it—"love and savvy," are applicable to any committed partnership. I listened to the book on Audible and am now re-reading the book edition and doing the exercises to get even more out of it. Even the "feedback wheel" he suggests can be life changing. If you're looking to be a better partner, get out of your old habits, or find new ways to assert your needs and wants, start here.
May 19, 2020
This was a surprisingly great book on fostering a healthy relationship. It outlines the areas that are detrimental in getting your needs met and provides strategies on how to partner together and ask for what you like more of. One of the most insightful quotes for me was “In a grownup relationship when it becomes clear that a certain need will not be fully met.. you have to ask yourself are enough of my needs being met to make grieving this needs that will not be granted worth my while?”. It made it clear that relationships aren’t perfect and they require understanding and effort and no one person can fulfill all of our needs and that’s okay!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 16, 2023
I love books that not only make you think and give you hope for better relationships but that also give such actionable steps to take to make improvements now.
This book isn’t meant to be read in a week, it’s meant to be read and implemented over time. I learned so many empowering tools and also stood face to face with my losing strategies and short comings.
Definitely written for modern couples who know that the old ways of having relationships just don’t fit in our current way of living. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to everyone I know.
This book isn’t meant to be read in a week, it’s meant to be read and implemented over time. I learned so many empowering tools and also stood face to face with my losing strategies and short comings.
Definitely written for modern couples who know that the old ways of having relationships just don’t fit in our current way of living. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to everyone I know.
April 4, 2023
One of the best books I've read about working through difficulties in a relationship. It shows why marriage counseling fails much of the time and how you an have constructive, mature conversations. He never takes sides and the tools provided are excellent.
February 7, 2018
Very helpful. Learned a great deal and have put much of it into practice.
April 17, 2019
If your marriage is struggling, give this book a go - its a new take that just might create shifts.
April 1, 2025
He keeps describing his female clients as sexy and it's weird. But the content is good.
June 22, 2019
A well-written and accessible instruction book on how to save your train wreck of a relationship. The advice in here is easily applicable to non-married couples or other relationships. Real uses examples of couples he's advised throughout, which make the book enjoyable to read. (All of the example couples he uses are hetereosexual.)
I didn't like his generalizing about "twenty-first century relationships" or the broad sweeping assumptions he made about gender, but he largely restricts his pondering on the subject to the introduction. I think if you're going to make sweeping claims about cultural norms, you should at least back that up with some kind of research.
I also disagree with the idea that you "marry your father" or in other ways replicate the bad deals you got stuck with as a kid. While this probably happens to many people, it is in no way required, and you can definitely avoid that fallacy with a little care and foresight.
Luckily, his advice is generally applicable to either gender, and very sound and thoughtful despite these preconceived notions.
If you're in a healthy relationship already, I recommend skipping to the last three chapters (Get What You Want, Give What You Can, and Cherish What You Have). Real spends the previous chapters exploring what couples do wrong in relationships and how to stop doing all those harmful behaviors, which I'm sure is very useful, but these last three chapters are applicable to those even in positive and working relationships. He talks about how to communicate better and have a great marriage overall.
I didn't like his generalizing about "twenty-first century relationships" or the broad sweeping assumptions he made about gender, but he largely restricts his pondering on the subject to the introduction. I think if you're going to make sweeping claims about cultural norms, you should at least back that up with some kind of research.
I also disagree with the idea that you "marry your father" or in other ways replicate the bad deals you got stuck with as a kid. While this probably happens to many people, it is in no way required, and you can definitely avoid that fallacy with a little care and foresight.
Luckily, his advice is generally applicable to either gender, and very sound and thoughtful despite these preconceived notions.
If you're in a healthy relationship already, I recommend skipping to the last three chapters (Get What You Want, Give What You Can, and Cherish What You Have). Real spends the previous chapters exploring what couples do wrong in relationships and how to stop doing all those harmful behaviors, which I'm sure is very useful, but these last three chapters are applicable to those even in positive and working relationships. He talks about how to communicate better and have a great marriage overall.
October 16, 2017
Although there are some helpful things in the book, it is rather out of date feeling. For one, it makes the assumption that only women with husbands will be reading the book. Whether or not that is the majority of the audience, as one reads through the book you get the feeling that the author is suggesting that only wives care about the relationship and that they are the only ones who need to make changes. The beginning chapters are better than the latter ones. The book was recommended, with caveats on its lack of modernity, by a therapist, mostly for the activities. Overall, it has some good features but it would be better if the author came out with an update edition.
April 2, 2023
not sure why I decided to pick this up because I am not married! That said, it has some good advice in general for heterosexual monogamous relationships. I think it should be clearer how limiting that is in the modern world. To be honest, it already seems quite dated. The author talks somewhat negatively about feminism throughout but does not seem to understand what feminism is. That said, whether on purpose or on accident the book seems to default to the expectation that the wife takes initiative to fix a marriage. I think you should choose another book if you're below the age of 40 because this will seem very out of touch!!
December 27, 2020
The New Rules of Marriage - by Terrence Real
My therapist recommended this book to me, so there’s that.
Also, I got the audiobook first and really enjoyed it despite the authors dry performance. I also bought the physical book because my husband is interested in it but after listening to one chapter he had to turn it off.
His concepts aren’t overwhelming or far reaching in terms of applicability like in some self help books as far as I can tell.
I really like this book and plan to re-read it.
My therapist recommended this book to me, so there’s that.
Also, I got the audiobook first and really enjoyed it despite the authors dry performance. I also bought the physical book because my husband is interested in it but after listening to one chapter he had to turn it off.
His concepts aren’t overwhelming or far reaching in terms of applicability like in some self help books as far as I can tell.
I really like this book and plan to re-read it.
November 14, 2008
Like Terrence Real's other books I have read, this gets to some interesting topics. I had just finished watching Annie Hall for the first time and this book discusses a wonderful passage in that movie. Being a multi-book reader, I am not certain when I will get to finish this one but it is not because of lack of interest.
March 4, 2008
This book is fantastic -and I don't say that just becasue my boss wrote it! It has some very good thinking on what it means to be married these days - especially for those of us who want it ALL. A good read for all women, I think!
September 28, 2011
There were many great ideas in this book. I recommend it to my marriage class.
March 8, 2017
A bit dated. General labeling doesn't go over big with me.
January 19, 2018
O carte exceptionala pe tema cresterii intimitatii in relatii pe termen lung.
July 16, 2025
A truly insightful book. This would be the second book I have read from therapist Terrence Real. The firsts book I read of his was How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. I found that book to be incredibly transformational and offered a different look at the gap that is growing in our marital & dating relationships. I approached reading that book as a result of a recommendation from the couple's therapy podcast by Dr. John Delony, which I'd recommend any person struggling in marriage to checkout. I have to admit that I came at the works of Terrence Real from a oppositional stand point. As a man, I have serious doubts about couples therapy & especially the mental health industry. But at my core I don't want to live in a echo chamber and I strive to find writers & wise counselors who not only disagree with my views & approach to male/female dynamics; but there ability to speak on the subject with honesty & clarity. Terrence Real has that ability. Before I dove into this book a took some time to dive into a few snippets of Terry Real's lectures and interviews. Being transparent, I still had a hard wrapping my head around his opposition to the patriarchal framework of our upbringing and his relational life approach to couple's therapy. Nevertheless here are my honest thoughts on the book.
First, Terry begins the book by giving us an overview on why the old ways of looking at marriage can't really hold water today in this new modern society. He is correct in his assertion that never have men & women demanded more out of their partners than into todays time. There is a silent war brewing between men and women. Whether you take the perspective that feminism as left women demanding the impossible from their male counterparts or if you feel that men are just holding on to toxic masculine ideas and need to move into the 21st century; Terry's asserts that the progression and gender role changes are here to stay and both genders need to confront this new world with new rules. As you move deeper into the book Terrence uses his experience with couples over the years to highlight the pitfalls that so many relationships fall into as a result of our lack of ability to build better relationship skills. "Skills" is key as Mr. Real stresses our need to build better relational skills like we work hard to gain skills for our professions and in education. On a deeper level I found Mr. Real's examination of our childhood trauma and experiences on the "skills" we acquired very helpful. I am glad he took the time to include not just male dysfunctional behavior but he equally included the female dysfunction as well. However, this book feels written with women in mind and Terry admits this as he has concluded through countless years of couples therapy that it is often woman that initiate the need to as in his words get their husbands fixed. My favorite part of the book is when after laying down the foundation of our bad relationship approach sets out to showcase how we should navigate conflict and work towards getting better outcomes. He spends a great deal of the book teaching the reader how to ask for what they want out of the relationship, how to change complaints into opportunities for change, and finally how we need to cherish our partners? I felt Terry built a strong case that marriage between two imperfect people is not about making them perfect but showing couple how to better get what they want out of their mates. This book really gave me some food for thought on my approach in marital conflicts. The biggest question that stuck with me was as Terry explain: "Are we trying to be right or are we trying to stay married?" Along with reading this book I'd recommend searching YouTube on videos in which Terry expands on how we give feedback in marriage and when we need to seek therapy. Finally, I'm not quite sure where Mr. Real's stance on Christianity in marriage lies and I would love here him speak more on more of the gender dynamics that dominate conversations in the social media space. Great read for any one really trying to salvage their marriage.
First, Terry begins the book by giving us an overview on why the old ways of looking at marriage can't really hold water today in this new modern society. He is correct in his assertion that never have men & women demanded more out of their partners than into todays time. There is a silent war brewing between men and women. Whether you take the perspective that feminism as left women demanding the impossible from their male counterparts or if you feel that men are just holding on to toxic masculine ideas and need to move into the 21st century; Terry's asserts that the progression and gender role changes are here to stay and both genders need to confront this new world with new rules. As you move deeper into the book Terrence uses his experience with couples over the years to highlight the pitfalls that so many relationships fall into as a result of our lack of ability to build better relationship skills. "Skills" is key as Mr. Real stresses our need to build better relational skills like we work hard to gain skills for our professions and in education. On a deeper level I found Mr. Real's examination of our childhood trauma and experiences on the "skills" we acquired very helpful. I am glad he took the time to include not just male dysfunctional behavior but he equally included the female dysfunction as well. However, this book feels written with women in mind and Terry admits this as he has concluded through countless years of couples therapy that it is often woman that initiate the need to as in his words get their husbands fixed. My favorite part of the book is when after laying down the foundation of our bad relationship approach sets out to showcase how we should navigate conflict and work towards getting better outcomes. He spends a great deal of the book teaching the reader how to ask for what they want out of the relationship, how to change complaints into opportunities for change, and finally how we need to cherish our partners? I felt Terry built a strong case that marriage between two imperfect people is not about making them perfect but showing couple how to better get what they want out of their mates. This book really gave me some food for thought on my approach in marital conflicts. The biggest question that stuck with me was as Terry explain: "Are we trying to be right or are we trying to stay married?" Along with reading this book I'd recommend searching YouTube on videos in which Terry expands on how we give feedback in marriage and when we need to seek therapy. Finally, I'm not quite sure where Mr. Real's stance on Christianity in marriage lies and I would love here him speak more on more of the gender dynamics that dominate conversations in the social media space. Great read for any one really trying to salvage their marriage.
January 14, 2022
Great book. Full of good ideas about how to approach problems in relationships (romantic or otherwise). Not only did he explain things well, he gives concrete ways of making changes happen. I especially loved his explanation of boundaries. He does do some massive and outdated generalizations about male vs females in 21st century relationships - but ignoring that - the content is great. The Feedback Wheel and the chart of "one up, one down, boundaryless or not" - two of my favorite sections.
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."
January 5, 2025
I am in a difficult long term relationship. While not married, my significant other recommended that we find a relationship counselor to help us out. We found one trained under Terry Real, and that is another story. Relevant to this, this counselor also recommended that we get this book which I finished reading last month. So this review is a little more personal than some of the other reviews.
This book is amazing. Real presents some overall strategies (winning and losing) for relationships. Essentially therapy is about reframing what is. When we have expectations for ourselves and other that are outside the bounds of what is present, we suffer. And while we do not have to accept our current circumstances, getting them to change is not the easiest thing to do, especially when it involves the inertia of another person, with the relationship baggage that comes along with it. The old rules dictated how to have a relationship. With the changing parameters, expectations, and desires of people post-civil rights, relationships must change as well. Women have grown/expanded in what they can expect but men have not had the same support. So, the new rules require deeper communication and commitment. We must find ways to be brave and vulnerable if we are to continually rekindle the spark of a successful relationship with all the demands (of family, career and so on) upon us. I won't go into what Real says but what he provides is both poignant simple and direct. It is easy to understand because it is basic but it is hard because it demands that we shed the shields we have for ourselves around us and others. Real isn't so idealistic as to state that we should stay together no matter what, but he does give us the tools to try and make it work if that is what we really want. Too often we get stuck in negative expectations for ourselves and others and are on the defensive -- all of these are counter to having a successful relationship.
I heartily recommend this book if you want, in book form, some tips as to how to help your relationship get better -- and if you are willing to do the work. There are no easy solutions to complex problems, even if they are easy to understand.
This book is amazing. Real presents some overall strategies (winning and losing) for relationships. Essentially therapy is about reframing what is. When we have expectations for ourselves and other that are outside the bounds of what is present, we suffer. And while we do not have to accept our current circumstances, getting them to change is not the easiest thing to do, especially when it involves the inertia of another person, with the relationship baggage that comes along with it. The old rules dictated how to have a relationship. With the changing parameters, expectations, and desires of people post-civil rights, relationships must change as well. Women have grown/expanded in what they can expect but men have not had the same support. So, the new rules require deeper communication and commitment. We must find ways to be brave and vulnerable if we are to continually rekindle the spark of a successful relationship with all the demands (of family, career and so on) upon us. I won't go into what Real says but what he provides is both poignant simple and direct. It is easy to understand because it is basic but it is hard because it demands that we shed the shields we have for ourselves around us and others. Real isn't so idealistic as to state that we should stay together no matter what, but he does give us the tools to try and make it work if that is what we really want. Too often we get stuck in negative expectations for ourselves and others and are on the defensive -- all of these are counter to having a successful relationship.
I heartily recommend this book if you want, in book form, some tips as to how to help your relationship get better -- and if you are willing to do the work. There are no easy solutions to complex problems, even if they are easy to understand.
December 15, 2021
This was a great book on how people deal with conflicts if you can look over the persistently sexist examples. I manage to look over it by mentally rephrasing the pronouns so they fit my life better.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.
June 26, 2025
There are 3 particularly useful nuggets of wisdom in Real's 2007 book. First, some losing strategies that we've all probably engaged in from time to time. Time to stop these now!
1. Needing to be right – argues instead of connecting
2. Controlling your partner – manipulates rather than collaborates
3. Unbridled self-expression – venting destructively
4. Retaliation – responding punitively
5. Withdrawal – shutting down emotionally
OK, those out of the way, here are Real's 5 winning Dos:
1. Shift from complaint to request – ask directly for what you need instead of venting
2. Express with love and savvy – communicate needs compassionately and clearly
3. Respond with generosity – listen supportively, help your partner feel heard
4. Empower each other – uplift and co-create solutions, share responsibility
williamfed.com
5. Cherish what you have – consistently appreciate and celebrate each other’s efforts.
Finally, there are some great tactics for better relationships: Real offers a structured “Feedback Wheel” to facilitate healthy, loving repair:
Ask permission to speak
Describe observable behavior
State interpretations (“what you made up”)
Express your feelings
Request a specific change
Release attachment to the outcome
He also advises complaint-free ten-day experiments and cherishing positive steps to build trust and momentum. This is really great stuff!
1. Needing to be right – argues instead of connecting
2. Controlling your partner – manipulates rather than collaborates
3. Unbridled self-expression – venting destructively
4. Retaliation – responding punitively
5. Withdrawal – shutting down emotionally
OK, those out of the way, here are Real's 5 winning Dos:
1. Shift from complaint to request – ask directly for what you need instead of venting
2. Express with love and savvy – communicate needs compassionately and clearly
3. Respond with generosity – listen supportively, help your partner feel heard
4. Empower each other – uplift and co-create solutions, share responsibility
williamfed.com
5. Cherish what you have – consistently appreciate and celebrate each other’s efforts.
Finally, there are some great tactics for better relationships: Real offers a structured “Feedback Wheel” to facilitate healthy, loving repair:
Ask permission to speak
Describe observable behavior
State interpretations (“what you made up”)
Express your feelings
Request a specific change
Release attachment to the outcome
He also advises complaint-free ten-day experiments and cherishing positive steps to build trust and momentum. This is really great stuff!
October 29, 2022
Two caveats:
- Don't follow this advice with an abuser (including verbal abuse). (Terrence Real even says in the book that he refuses to work with couples when there is physical abuse.) I don't think any amount of emotional labor from an abused partner will fix the underlying issues with entitlement and empathy that enable someone to abuse another person.
- Take this advice with a box of salt if you're dealing with infidelity. Similar to cheating, there are underlying issues with entitlement, lack of empathy, and deficits in character that the cheater is 1) probably not motivated to fix and 2) may not even be possible to fix.
The way he profiles his female patients also left a bad taste in my mouth because it often came off as objectifying and/or stereotyping. However, there were some piercing psychological observations and some exercises that I think would be helpful.
Tl;dr: a good resource in a relationship that has an average amount of trouble.
- Don't follow this advice with an abuser (including verbal abuse). (Terrence Real even says in the book that he refuses to work with couples when there is physical abuse.) I don't think any amount of emotional labor from an abused partner will fix the underlying issues with entitlement and empathy that enable someone to abuse another person.
- Take this advice with a box of salt if you're dealing with infidelity. Similar to cheating, there are underlying issues with entitlement, lack of empathy, and deficits in character that the cheater is 1) probably not motivated to fix and 2) may not even be possible to fix.
The way he profiles his female patients also left a bad taste in my mouth because it often came off as objectifying and/or stereotyping. However, there were some piercing psychological observations and some exercises that I think would be helpful.
Tl;dr: a good resource in a relationship that has an average amount of trouble.
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