Happily Ever After: Six Secrets to a Successful Marriage

by Gary Chapman

“My husband and I can't seem to agree on anything!”
“You spent how much!?!”
“My wife's parents are driving me crazy!”
”You never listen to me!”

Let's face it―even the best of marriages hit an occasional bump in the road now and then. The secret to marital bliss lies in how you and your spouse handle those bumps. In Happily Ever After , Gary Chapman, the man “who wrote the book” on how to communicate with your spouse, shows couples how to successfully navigate the six most common problems that couples fighting fair, negotiating change, managing money, getting along with your in-laws, raising kids, and maintaining a healthy sex life. Drawing on more than 30 years of counseling experience, Dr. Chapman provides real-world examples and practical, battle-tested advice that will help you and your spouse better understand and communicate with each other as well as grow as a couple for many years to come.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian, Relationships, Ebooks, Personal Development

384 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 2011

About the author

Gary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships.

Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling since the beginning of his ministry years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.

Reviews

[Claire · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this book - however as the chapters went on, there were more and more references to God, and sinners, how we need to ask for forgiveness for our sins etc which did put me off the book.
There’s also only focus on heterosexual relationships, and also the emphasis on having to be married when having children etc. so some of it didn’t sit right with me although it may be helpful for someone else.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Happily Ever After is a book that helps readers to solve conflicts in their marriage. We must learn to respect and listen to our spouses. We have to give up the selfish attitude and the perception that our point of view is the only correct one. If you want to change your spouse we have to realize we can't change others. The plank must be removed from our only eyes before we try and fix someone else. Gary Chapman encouraged readers to ask their parents, God, in-laws, friends, and their spouses how they could improve their relationship in their marriage. This is where you can see your flaws and the issues that you may have that hinder your relationships from growing. Then you must work to fix the issues that you find.



An important part of the book is finding out your love language. The five love languages are gifts, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. The book will describe and give an example of how each love languages work. Once you find how you receive and feel loved you need to discover your spouse’s love language. Then if you have children you may want to find out how your children receive and feel loved. This section will greatly mend your relationships.



Happily Ever After is divided into six parts, “Everybody Wins”, “Home Improvements”, Profits Sharing”, “Now What?”, “Making Love”, and “In-Law Relationships”.



Gary Chapman has also included discussion questions at the end of each chapter. The questions will help you to dig deeper into the book.



I would recommend this wonderful marriage book to improve and fix broken marriages. Anyone can benefit from learning their love language, their spouses, and their children love language. The book has provided me with great resources and ideas to resolve conflicts in my relationships. I have learned that I must fix and change myself before I try changing others. I am the only one that I can control. I can’t control others and their opinions. It’s important to stop arguing and listen to the other persons concerns. Marriage isn’t about being always right it’s about coming together for peace and harmony. Making love isn’t about just having sex it’s about showing each other love and respect. We have to learn to listen closely and understand how the other person feels and thinks. If you will apply these six secrets to your marriage it will change your marriage for the better. I am not married yet but when I am, I will be rereading this book to help me in my marriage. This is a great book to give to couples who are getting married or already married! I would also encourage both spouses to read the book together it help you in your marriage. Learn to enjoy each other!



Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book.

[Tania · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es evidente que Gary Chapman tiene mucha experiencia tratando con familias y parejas, por lo que los "secretos" que comparte son muy útiles y sobretodo, muy humanos. Un libro recomendable tanto para el público en general como para profesionales de la ayuda.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been on my “to read” list for some time (years actually, I just noticed that I started reading it in 2015 LOL). I am a huge fan of Five Love Languages and although he reviews the 5 love languages multiple times in this book, I still enjoyed it. I like the stories he shares from real life examples, the chapter on In-laws and sample dialogues/approach to resolving conflicts with respect and listening.

Favorite lines:
“If meeting our own needs becomes the central theme of our lives, we will never have good relationships.“

“Successful relationships require that we become interested in the well-being of another person.”

[Candice · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really only cared for the first 2-3 parts of this book. I bought the popular book of his, the seven love languages or something like that, and I feel he discussed it all in this book already... He puts a lot in this book that others make up entire books just on themselves. A lot of things I felt wasn't applicable to our marriage, and other's it's just not that time of our lives yet. I skimmed through the last half of this book. Also, a lot of the "scenarios" seemed a little too "textbook" for me.

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the best marriage book I’ve read about working through disagreements and inspiring change in your spouse. Highly recommend! (Side note- the best material is in the first two chapters and it gets a little repetitive after that!)

[Rose Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a beautiful, down to earth, all facts book with real life examples. Nothing fluffy, it goes through the immense happiness a marriage can bring, along with the challenges that are simply bound to come up when two people come together in union.

[Rockie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bite-size chunks of sound advice.

[Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Every married couple should read this,lots of good tips to a successful marriage..

[Amilia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of great insights. Actual conversation starters to use.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had read this book years ago! It may not have helped my relationship back then, but it would have helped me verbalize what I was feeling. The section on in-laws was especially enlightening.

[An · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite book about marriage. My husband, who is not fond of reading, enjoyed this book too. I love me Gary Chapman books, he's the best marriage counselor out there.

[Eli Child · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally solid advice. Not terrifically insightful for the most part. Based on sound principles.

[Ilias · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read some books from this author and I can always feel there is something that I can take from them, an advice, a story, an idea. I can recommend it.

[Mindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Had some good advice sprinkled throughout but a little too doth thou art Jesus is the answer to all of your problems for me.

[Robert Stump · Rating 1 out of 5]

Homo Homini Lupus
http://manisawolftomen.blogspot.com/


Like the last Tyndale book I reviewed Happily Ever After has intricate detailing across its cover. This time the Victorian wallpaper mash up is very faintly printed in a silver metallic ink and covered with spot UV so that the title, design, and picture have added gloss. The picture to the left doesn't do justice to the work involved or the final product. It is very nice. But, and this is important, as soon as I had the book in hand red flags were going up. Yes there is much attention to the details and a lot of little steps to gussy up the cover, but I would never on my life buy this book. Even were I desperate for marriage advice and Chapman was the only available resource I would still not buy this book.

This a marriage book for women. It is marketed for the ladies, its dressed up for the ladies, cover to cover its content is pointed toward the ladies. The author, but not the publisher, remains throughout the work patently oblivious to this. Address one line to husband, one to wife, and always including or spouse, or some other equally inane nicety. All this is not to assume that no man could benefits from what is inside, a certain type of man certainly could, but I imagine our particular Everyman would run from such a daintily clad book. On the other hand the husbands who would be willing, or, God forbid, glad to pick the book up are more than likely the very same who will little benefit from it.

With that said the content is not as bad as the above might appear. It may not be intended for men, it may not be intended, or at least marketed, toward those who could best use it, but all the say there are a few good bits inside. Sadly what good is there could have been summed up in a pamphlet in a few hundred words instead of nearly 400 pages. Instead Chapman takes much hot air and expands and expounds and repeats and repeats and repeats till the reader is tempted again and again and again to put the book down. Moreover some of the more insightful bits are largely regurgitated snippets from his more well known Five Love Languages, and what is worse the regurgitation continues section after section for each of the problem areas Chapman identifies for marriages.

I have one last sticking point for Chapman. Happily is touted as a work written from a Christian perspective and yet Chapman manages to tip-toe around one of the most obvious and unpopular verses in the bible on marriage: Ephesians 5:22-24. While completely side-stepping what these verses say Chapman grasps onto what immediately follows (Vs 25): Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." What?! I would have been happier with the usual irrational hamster gymnastics involved in contorting the verse into some politically correct nonsense than with feigning the verses aren't there at all. Be honest, what do you expect of a husband who reads along with his wife and decides, if he is already unfamiliar with the Bible, to look up these verses? If it were me I would throw out the whole book with the safe assumption that someone who is dishonest with God's word is all the more likely to be dishonest with their own. To be fair, these verses in Ephesians are controversial for a number of people--and as implied above, Chapman's audience is mainly female--he may have thought it best to leave the controversy behind. All the same it would have been better to face the dragon head on rather than to try and cover his den with brush and camouflage.

Propter Sanguinem Agni,
RS

Ouch! 1/5

This book was provided to me free of charge by the publisher. They asked only for my honest opinion. Nothing weird or anything like that. I am only disclosing this information because it is illegal if I don't. I'm pretty sure that I would go to prison, probably for life, seeing how similar reviewing a product you are given for free under the guise of having purchased it yourself is very similar to murder. O laws, like whitewashed tombs!

[VBergen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The books seems very useful and very organized. It includes some good exercises for the couple. The solutions the author proposes for some common problems make sense but it requires a partner very committed in the relationship. That Chapman's ideology "change yourself first and the others will change" doesn't work always in the real life.

As an atheist I just ignored the bad parts (parts which I don't agree or parts related to his imaginary friend) because it was little compared to other Gary Chapman books. I don't write here all the nice and useful phrases because there are so many in the book, but I do include here some phrases which I disagree or are just baffling .

- "There is a simple, yet dramatic, way to teach this lesson ("if we don't work, we don't eat"): you merely assign your children a job a let them know that if they complete the job, they have the privilege of eating dinner that night. If they do not complete the job, they must miss the meal. You need not coax, scold, or intimidate them to complete the job (...)". To feed children is a parent's duty, it is not a reward to teach anything!

- "My personal pattern has always been to give 10 percent to the church I attend and to give additional offerings to other organizations as I am able and feel prompted by God. (...) It has always been important for me to remember that I do not give to the church, but rather I give to god through the church. I do not give to christian organizations, but rather I give to god through christian organizations". *perplex*

- "obedience is learned by suffering the consequences of disobedience. (...) this has the advantage that the child knows ahead of time what the consequences of breaking a rule will be (...)". Behaving well for fear of punishment...sooo christian! rewards and punishments, what a weak incentives to follow rules.

- "The wife is challenged to "respect her husband" (ephesians blahblah) and to allow him the privilege of loving her. Some women find this difficult when they have been reared in a culture that teaches them to be assertive and take care of themselves". Backward, that's it.

- "The two of you will never reach your potential without the smile of God. (...) Sexual lovemaking is greatly enhanced when a husband or wife takes the initiative to acknowledge god in all areas of life. When a husband chooses to join his wife in a time of bible reading and prayer, he enhances their sexual experience. (...) Her spiritual hunger for god makes her want to be intimate with this man, who is seeking god. It is simply a fact. Those couples who walk closely with god will be much more successful than others in lovemaking". Say-no-more :-D

- "We honor parents not because we believe they are honorable but because they gave us life. Without them, we would not be here. That's a huge debt". As a mother myself, I find this statement soooo wrong! parent's duty is give their children all what they need, from food, health, and shelter, to education, safety, and love. Children don't ask their parents to bring them to life, it is parents' decision and it comes with duties. We ought to be respectful with others -parents included-, but it is nobody obligation to love or even talk to his or her parents.

The book also includes the lists "what I wish my wife would change" and "what husbands wish" (and the wife version too) which are the most shallow and sexist (no, I'm not a feminist) things I have ever read in a Chapman book.

Apart from of these phrases and the ugly lists, it is a very good book.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is divided into six broad sections, with the first one being the most useful in general terms. It talks about the unpleasant inevitability of most marital arguments, how nobody ever ‘wins’ even if one partner emerges as the apparent victor. When someone beats down a loved one with words, there’s a nasty taste left in both mouths, and a new scar in the relationship.

Chapman acknowledges that we all have negative traits, and that probably every married person in the world wishes at least one thing was different with his or her spouse… and, unusually, rather than talking about love being beyond such things, he suggests that in a good relationship it should be possible to address potential changes over time.

The other sections cover various topics on which couples typically have big disagreements: finances, in-laws, raising children, and so on. I felt that there was some good advice in this, mixed with some rather obvious statements, and some which I disagreed with. This isn’t necessarily a problem, and for a newly married idealistic couple this could be a good book to work through together. But most of it didn’t feel particularly relevant to me.

I particularly felt that the section about finances seemed unrealistic, assuming that people wanted to acquire ‘things’ beyond their means, and helping them figure out how to avoid them. For those of us who live (and prefer) a somewhat minimalistic lifestyle, it was a section to skim.

I like Gary Chapman’s clear writing style, which has sufficient anecdotes to be interesting, and is well organised content-wise. But given the number of marriage books already available, I didn’t think that this said anything new or different - so would not particularly recommend it above any of the others. In particular, I didn’t feel that it was as inspiring or constructive as the author’s ‘Four Seasons of Marriage’, which I would recommend very highly.

Three and a half stars would probably be fairer.

[Ánder · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really outstanding book for for people who are married or considering to get married anytime soon.

PROS:
The books deals with the main topics that newlyweds need to face. Each chapter is short so that it can be read in just a couple minutes and it is accompanied by great questions to trigger a discussion with your spouse, or to have a great time of individual reflection. In my opinion, this book is better read as a couple and asking each other the reflection questions. It is almost like counting with the advice of Dr. Chapman in your household and there is no shame about talking about the "elephants in the room" because it is not you who is asking the hard questions.

CONS:
To maximize the contents of this book, you really need constancy. You can't rush through it for you would be missing on the necessary reflection and application of the principles learned. But on the other hand, it may become the book that you read once in a while and you may end up taking too long to finished (that happened to us). On the other hand, this book reminds me of Christianity, the message is very easy to understand but it takes A LOT of work to actually put it into practice.

CONCLUSION:
After reading this book I feel challenged in many areas, but it is a good challenge. You should not look at this book just as a book for marriages in crisis, but rather as a book that can help you find some valuable principles for your relationship. I feel that my wife and I have learned valuable lessons by reading it and we have also grown closer. Like I said, it may take you a lifetime to apply in a natural way the principles that Dr. Chapman suggests, but like the saying goes, "no pain, no gain," and this is also true in marriage.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for an honest review-

An excellent resource for any couple, this book covers the six areas that can cause problems in a marriage - conflict, change, finances, children, sexual intimacy, and relationships with the in-laws. The author tells us that his prayer "is that this book will encourage you, help you and your spouse better understand and communicate with each other, and provide practical takeaways for dealing with whatever conflicts you might face." (page xiii) He hopes to teach us to learn to "resolve conflicts rather than simply win (or lose) arguments" (page 5), and he gives plenty of information and resources to aide in getting out of that argumentative frame of mind.

This book is written by a Christian author, so there are mentions of God which may not be appreciated by every reader, especially in the financial section when speaking about tithing and so forth, but I do believe this book is one that ANYONE can benefit from.

I love how he recaps the idea of the five love languages, and the end of each section has questions and points of merit that highlight information given within it. And in the back of the book there are additional tools that hep with putting things into practice as well.

Even with a healthy marriage, I loved this book, and would recommend it to anyone - I even hope my husband will give it a read. As he says, "whatever the season of your marriage - spring, summer, fall, or winter - I believe that your relationship will be strengthened if you can learn the art of resolving conflicts in a positive way." (page 5)

[C.E. Hart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Should've been titled, Beginning A Happily Ever After.

Let me start off by saying, the reason I've given this book a 3-star rating (rather than a 4) is because the information mainly pertains to (in my opinion) newly married couples (within first 5 years of marriage) or couples with serious communication issues. As a silver anniversary + married woman, I feel most serious issues are ironed out throughout the honeymoon stage (Spring) of a marriage. If not, the union is probably miserable and needs deeper guidance and support than a book can offer.

I anticipated garnering little tidbits from this book to sprinkle throughout my marriage's empty-nest years. Fun anecdotes to spice things up, harvest laughter and humor, and maintain a full life centered in Christ. Though this book's information is valuable, (for the aforementioned) it didn't fulfill my expectations.

With all that said, this book would be a nice gift for a young couple with communication, money, child-rearing, and in-law matters to cope with. It is constructed in 6 parts: conflict, change, money roles, child rearing, sex, and in-law relationships.

[Denise · Rating 2 out of 5]

I decided to read this book as a resource for my work as a therapist. I was hoping it could be something I could refer clients to. I really enjoyed The 5 Love Languages and thought this would be a good read. I think it would be helpful for Christian couples since the relationship with God and seeking guidance from God is heavily emphasized from the middle of the book and on ( mind you i didn't find this in the Christian section of the bookstore so i didn't expect it to be based on this as much). For me it was too much. it is also too repetitive at times. He often brings up the love languages and how it applies in the various sections on parenting, love and sex. The first section on communication and resolving conflicts is really great. I think it offers some concrete suggestions that are very helpful. Overall, depending on the audience it can be a helpful read but one that I wouldn't necessary recommend for everyone.

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

desire relationships not logic, commit to God, understand first, 4 seasons, unresolved conflicts, stop argue start resolving, respect opinions, empathetic reflective listening, continuous improvement, differences as assets, listen to understand not to respond, what annoys you need to change, choose confession not rationalization, confess to spouse have failed share list ask forgiveness imperfections listen focus feel good about self vs stuff and usury, love stimulates love, languages5 affirmation thoughtful gifts acts of service quality time touch, love tank, 1change/week, likes/dislikes achievable timing, relationship w/money, in God we trust, remove rubble of body and soul, give love to get, sex object or soul, pray for ability to love, love stimulates love, kind patient, control or compliant, Psalm51.

[Jenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Happily Ever After is really a great book for people who are married and people who some day wish to get married. It teaches you what people tend to do wrong in their relationship. It deals with really important issues that tend to come up in marriages. These issues are difficult for most couples to manage but often these issues are the ones that can break marriages.
These include money management and issues that relate to not spending enough time together after having children. It gives you insight into how to manage and solve these problems with greater understand of relationship dynamics and behavior often displayed by either husband or wife.
I am aspiring Counselor, myself and I could identify with the issues and advice given in this particular book.

[Valerie]

I thought this was a great book. It is actually several 'mini books', each with a completely different focus. My favorite section was his analysis on marital intimacy. He is a GREAT job speaking of intimacy in marriage from a biblical perspective, referencing specifically the Old Testament. His section on dealing with in-law issues as the finance section were good too.
As a compilation there was quite a bit of reiteration on some of his fundamental theories, but I enjoy the review as it helps me remember long term. Good book.

[The Farmer's Wife · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for all engaged couples. This is it -- marriage in a nut shell -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I thought the conflict resolution and love language parts ( parts one and two ) were where the book really shined. While part 3, discussing married finances, though, do yourself a favor and read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover in addition to this. All that aside, it is obvious to me after reading several of Gary Chapman's works, that he is indeed gifted by our Creator to be an authority on marriage.

[GONZA · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a book for whoever thinks that a good marriage is on the woman's shoulder. Only the woman. Trough biblical versets the author try to explain the way trough some of the most common problems of a marriage like raising kids and money. But in my opinion it lacks in the other side of the coin, what are suppose the husbands would do in the same situation?
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHER FOR THE PREVIEW

[Shon Hyneman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just finished listening to this book on CD. Gary covered all the major issues in marriage from Money, In Laws & Sex. As always, Gary Chapman gives the reader practical application to apply to your marriage. I learned a lot with this read

[Tabitha · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of this I've heard before, but Gary puts it simply and gives a plethora of helpful tools to use in a variety of situations with your spouse and their family. Good for any couple to read--married or engaged.