Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement

by Kay Wills Wyma, Michael Gurian (Foreword)

Is Your Home Out of Order?
 
Do your kids think that clean, folded clothes magically appear in their drawers? Do they roll their eyes when you suggest they clean the bathroom? Do you think it’s your job to pave their road to success? As parents, so often we hover, race in to save, and do everything we can for our kids—unintentionally reinforcing their belief that the world revolves around them.
 
When Kay Wyma realized that an attitude of entitlement had crept into her home, this mother of five got some attitude of her own. Cleaning House is her account of a year-long campaign to introduce her kids to basic life skills. From making beds to grocery shopping to refinishing a deck chair, the Wyma family experienced for themselves the ways meaningful work can transform self-absorption into earned self-confidence and concern for others.
 
With irresistible humor and refreshing insights, Kay candidly details the ups and downs of removing her own kids from the center of the universe. The changes that take place in her household will inspire you to launch your own campaign against youth entitlement. As Kay says, “Here’s to seeing what can happen when we tell our kids, ‘I believe in you, and I’m going to prove it by putting you to work.’”

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian, Family, Audiobook, Memoir

278 pages, Paperback

First published May 8, 2012

About the author

Kay Wills Wyma has five kids, ages four to fourteen, and one SUV with a lot of carpool miles. Before she transitioned to stay-at-home mom, she earned an MBA, worked at the White House, and dabbled in international finance. Happily married to Jon, this self-described recovering enabler is committed to equipping the next generation to achieve great things in the future by piling on the responsibility today.

from http://www.randomhouse.com/book/21699...

Reviews

[Pumpkin+Bear · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got God-jacked by this book. Over a third of the way in, the author made an odd comment, in the middle of a discussion about teen employment, that her husband prefers that she and the children not do a lot of driving or enroll in numerous extra-curricular activities. Not that that's unusual, of course (I feel the same way about my schedule), but it was phrased oddly--maybe as if since that's the way he preferred it, that was the way it was going to be? And this came about 30 pages after a weird comment in which Wyma basically says that her husband won't let her mow the yard, even though she enjoys doing it. When you talk about someone ELSE'S reasons for why you are or aren't doing something, that's weird. Very weird. Like, disempowerment weird. At that point, I double-checked the book's subtitle and the back blurb, to see if I'd missed some announcement that the book was coming from a perspective of religious conservatism, but nope, nothing there.

The first outright mention of God didn't come until at least halfway through the book, I think, and then the mentions steadily increased, until finally there were full-on Bible verses being quoted. Every time the level of Christianity got jacked up, I looked at the book's cover again, thinking, "Surely they would have clarified a religious perspective?" Finally, I had the sense to check out those little famous person book blurbs that they put in the front of some books but that I never read. A-ha! Quote from Focus on the Family dude! At least then I knew that I wasn't going crazy!

Mind you, it's perfectly valid to write a book about encouraging children to take responsibility for family chores from a religious perspective (I guess?), but that's not a book that I'd choose to read, normally, and perhaps that explains why I was SO put out with the author's descriptions of her family--perhaps I just don't understand the lens being used, in which it's okay to describe your kids as lazy and your husband as selfish. Not that I think that insulting your family is a religious characteristic, but if I totally missed the religion in the book until I was halfway through, then clearly I'm missing a lot of things about the author's perspective. I am not usually okay with trashing one's family in public, even in memoirs or self-help or whatever this genre is, and the way that the author wrote about her husband during the "shower drain" incident was particularly awkward and troubling. She apparently really thought that he was damaging her son's emotional well-being, and yet she didn't take a stand--now I don't like either of them!

I loved the descriptions of the chores that the author's kids learn to accomplish. My kids do a lot of chores, but they don't make dinner or pump the gas! I think Wyma would have done well to better clarify her overall point with the process, especially to herself--Wyma writes (but doesn't seem to enact, even as she's assigning her kids these chores) that kids do better when they're needed. And that's why MY kids do chores. Unlike the author, I don't have a yard service or a mother's helper. I NEED my kids to unload the dishwasher and clean the bathroom and switch over the laundry and feed the cats. Even when Wyma is enlisting her kids in vital aspects of the running of their household, I didn't often get the impression that the kids understood that they were doing this because they were needed individuals, rather than just being disciplined.

If that's the case, they can feel free to come over to my house. I could really use some more capable hands over here!

[Lindsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tried to read past the author's mocking and sarcastic tone as she described her interactions with her children so that I could hear the message and experience. However, I found it very difficult. There are ways to do what she wanted to do that don't involve making fun of the child.

I also don't understand why she was surprised her clan didn't know how to do things like clean a bathroom when she had never taken the time to teach them. Finally, I found it hard to connect with the author because I sensed a lack of sensitivity to people outside of her circle. I will continue searching for ideas on how to implement the changes she did that involve much more patience and compassion.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this woman's narrative, but the reader needs to be aware of who is telling the tale. This is an upper middle class (possibly lower upper class) woman with a decent-sized house (three bathrooms!) and household help that comes in two times a week, who does not hold a job outside the home. Her school-aged children go to private school (well, it's Texas; the public schools were devastated by Bush and Perry, so I suppose she has to send them there). She has the time and resources to devote to a project of this type.

I did find the constant religious sermons offensive and sanctimonious. At the times, this book seemed to become a Christian manifesto.

I was also really struck by her fear at the beginning of the book stating she thought she might have been raising socialist children. She is politically confused; socialists are what she actually wants to raise, with every worker contributing to the good of the whole to the best of their ability. I can understand that she would have trouble with the idea, as she used to be a staffer for Dan (Potatoe) Quayle. Her comments do suggest that she exists in a bubble of people who share her political and religious beliefs and her substantial family income level. Ironically, the values and ethics she is trying to instill in her children are liberal ones; all about empowering and caring for our communities.

I applaud her efforts, and she shares many interesting ideas. Her kids seem like nice people. I hope she exposes them to a diverse group of people, including those of different ethnic groups, religions and political views.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

The short review: I had better uses of my time - more interesting books to read - than to waste it reading this book.

The longer review:
This memoir had a premise that intrigued me. The author spent a year teaching her five children to do more chores and to endeavor to help others, all with the goal of battling their sense of entitlement.

Within the first few pages, I was disgusted. Observing some instance of her children acting spolied and selfish, the author observes to the reader something along the lines of, "I couldn't believe it. Was I raising a bunch of socialists?" First of all, darling, I do not think that word means what you think it means. Because the lessons you proceeded to spend a year teaching your children - you know, to work to benefit the common good of your family? - that's kind of, well, socialism. Second of all, way to alienate your potential audience. Just imagine how offended readers of this review might be if I said, "Socialists? Sounds like you're raising little Republicans to me!" (Which I wouldn't say, because, after all, I have several friends here on Goodreads who are Repulicans - at least three friends! - and they all do great jobs raising their children.)

So, as I plodded through those first few pages, I thought, 'I will get through this book, and perhaps I will hate it, and write a scathing review. Boy, it's been a long time since I put a book on my I-hated-this-book shelf.'

But, no, I didn't hate it, and it will not go on my I-hated-this-book shelf. In fact, I gleaned a few insights from the book, which I can, and will, put into practice with my own kids. I agree with her overall goal of raising children who are self-sufficient and ready to interact with the world. And, while there was a bit too much Christianity throughout the book (for example, that we should work because God made us to work), none of it was too overbearing.

But, mostly, I just felt disconnected to the author. I felt like she was trying too hard. Trying too hard to be Entertaining! And Witty! (Like me in this review?) With Cutesy Code Names for her children! Like someone who could be Your Very Best Friend! It did not work for me. I wanted nothing more than to be done. The whole time I was reading this, I was casting an eye over to my pile of unread books and wishing I were done with this one so I could get on to something more interesting.

I should have noticed the blurb/endorsement on the back cover from Focus on the Family before deciding to read this one.

[Heather C. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I, like the author, don't think my kids have enough chances in life to take full responsibility for anything, and I feel like it's my job to help them have those opportunities, whether it be making their bed every day or having dialogue with a teacher on their own about how to do better in their classes. So I appreciated her perspective, and will use a lot of her tips in the future.

I didn't like, however, the way she referred to her kids negatively the whole book. I know she was trying to make a point, but repeatedly calling her kids lazy, freeloaders, mooches, slobs...especially when she herself employs a housekeeper, didn't sit well with me.

Also, and I should have guessed this was coming when I saw the endorsement by Mike Huckabee at the beginning, she managed to sneak in quite a bit of snarky right-wing rhetoric and use the loaded and current buzz word 'entitlement' about fifty thousand times. (She was worried that she was raising 'little socialists'. Ironic that she would express that, as her goal was to have all the members of her family contribute and work together...)

All in all, a good how-to book, though.

[Meghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up after seeing it advertised on TV. Youth entitlement is something I worry about with my own kids. After reading this book I am no longer worried. I can't even begin to describe my shock at everything she had neglected to teach her kids. (No understanding of grocery shopping?? What is a toilette bowl brush?? Etc) This book is only applicable to upper class families. She has a house cleaner and a lawn care service for goodness sakes! No WONDER her kids feel entitled to not have to do work around the home, they watch their mom feel entitled not to have to do work around the house!
And then the money jar issue. I am so against kids getting paid to do their regular chores. I think it sets a bad precedent thinking you should only work if you are getting paid for it. Plus once they grow up and have their own homes reality is going to punch them in the face that they STILL have to do all those things except NOT be paid for it. (Not to mention who can afford $31/mos x five kids?? That's $1,860 a year on chores! Not to mention all the "extra" jobs they are paid for as well, or the $50/child JUST to throw a party!) I agree with earning money for the "extra" chores (which I think is actually Dave Ramsey's way too) and with the idea of having motivators, but just not the methods. What about stickers and getting to choose a family activity at the end of the month or alone time with Dad/Mom or ANYTHING else. I think she still is setting the example that the world revolves around money.
The pros of this book is that it opened my eyes to the fact that my kids are more capable than what I probably expect them to be able to do. I may try having my daughter do more indepth meal planning and making(she's ten), for example. I also like the story about the neighbor boy installing the sprinkler system all on his own at age 17 and the self confidence that built. I liked how she equated more responsibility to greater self esteem and self worth. That rung true for me.
Not a bad book per say, just seems like a fairly narrow audience that I'm not a part of. Luckily my kids know that their is work to be done and they ARE going to do it, what I really need now is a book to solve their procrastination issues for cleaning their room. ;) Nice to know that seems very universal with kids and doesn't necessarily mean they are "entitled". I think I have a better definition of that word now.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, I think I rolled my eyes more than anything else with this book. And I totally agree with the premise! It is great to put kids to work, give them chores, boost their confidence through meaning...but seriously, it shouldn't take a book to make that point.
In fact, more than eye-rolls, I felt myself growing increasingly indignant as I listened. Maybe this isn't just a rich person problem, but it sure felt like it. I'm the oldest of five and let me tell you, we didn't hire someone to mow our grass or clean our pool (as if we could afford one!) We didn't hire help so the baby of the family could nap during carpooling or send suits out to the dry cleaners. Those are little things, I guess, but it got under my skin how she bemoaned the lack of chores available. When there are five mouths to feed and Mom and Dad live paycheck to paycheck, you learn to mow the lawn and help grocery shop.
Perhaps my Mom just did an exceptional job instilling work ethic in my siblings and me, but I still don't think it should take a book to tell you that your children needs to learn how to clean the toilet or do a load of laundry. Forget Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations. This book just asks your kid to learn how to do chores.

Irritation aside, this book wasn't awful and I acknowledge many people could have benefited from a Mom who sought to rid her kids of entitlement. I just can't believe her kids got as far as they did and that making them pick up after themselves was noteworthy enough to blow anyone's mind.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't want to rain on a parade here; I see most of the reviews are glowing. I do have a few comments, though, as to why I thought the book was only "OK."

Here are three main "mehs" I have with the book (I have more but these are my main ones):

1. The author doesn't truly get the point of her whole experiment until page 293 or so, and even then, Wyma hardly has a true grasp on the concept. Our behaviors, as humans, affect one another and in turn our own well-being. Common courtesy, empathy, resilience, and grit are the survival characteristics Wyma is truly teaching; these are the very core skills we need to be good people, and Wyma only touches upon this idea toward the end of the book. Granted, she is no child-psychology expert, but still... I'd expect a bit more insight sooner rather than later from someone who used to hold high-powered jobs. (And on a side note here, I felt like the Christianity was thrown in for marketing purposes. Not much of it sounded sincere).

2. Basic economic theory and behavioral theory is ignored. Never pay for chores. There are many, many writings that debunk the misguided notion of pay or allowance for children's household work, showing that it is a law of quickly decreasing returns with a backlash of inflation in the mix. Again, this woman is no expert, but it's disappointing to see an educated, privileged woman fall into famously debunked myths. For more information, see Freakonomics or any of Dan Ariely's work. Also, the other hidden side of this chore experiment is nagging. To avoid nagging and deal out more relevant (not monetary) immediate consequences, see How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber & Mazlish.

3. Wyma's "experiment" is just a version of helicopter parenting. Stay with me here, it's a bit hard to explain. Throughout the book, Wyma insists her children are being handed a disservice when she does all the errands, tasks, housework, etc., without the children's help. In the beginning of the book Wyma admits she skipped the teaching sessions because it was easier for her to do things herself. She chided herself for raising privileged kids, as if the only way to teach children to be responsible is to break your back instructing them on how to do daily tasks. I don't owe my children a correct bathroom-cleaning technique. That is something they will pick up in time. I do owe them their best shot in life, and doing chores builds skills toward grabbing that best shot, but I need to take care of my entire family as well as myself. My kids will learn the skills in the book as they grow, because I raise them to be empathetic, resilient and hard-working. I think it's OK if parents decide to post-pone the gas pumping lessons forever, especially if they need to get to work on time.

Here are three main "WAY TO GOs":

1. Wyma learns how to stop underestimating her children. Human children are capable of a lot. Most of the time they are left to exercise their manipulation skills, all under the guise of "Oh, he's a just baby, he doesn't know any better." You wouldn't say this if you've seen all the research as well as all the anecdotal evidence I've seen about the animal kingdom and human children. They're smart and resourceful and you should give them a chance. They have agency. Foster it.

2. Sibling rivalry is kept to a minimum. Perhaps Wyma didn't report it, but absent were the torturous whines about fairness, work loads, etc. It seems like Wyma could've either had a good editor or her kids do have a general respect for each other.

3. Humor helps. There aren't rip-roaring comedic scenes in the book but there's a definite sense of humor throughout the book (and hopefully throughout the household). Humans are imperfect. You gotta laugh at yourself. No one has to be supermom. Just do your best.

I hope you all have a great time with your kids. Check out the books I mentioned if you want some more peace and respect in your house.

All the best,
Christine

[Marie DiCocco · Rating 2 out of 5]

I should have known how I would feel about this book when I read this on page 2:

"I think I'm raising little socialists," I said, "the serve-me kind that are numb to the benefits of ingenuity and hard work, the kind that don't just need to be taken care of--they expect it."

And as I continued to read, this author's political & religious views were screaming at me. If I read that word "entitlement" one more time, I was going to scream! Unfortunately, I wish she really knew what a socialist was, because her efforts to teach her children the value of doing their share to support the family is certainly closer to socialism that whatever it is that she thinks it is.

Having a 15 year old of my own who resists many of my efforts to do her chores around the house was what drew me to this book, but after reading it, I realized that we are actually okay. My daughter knows how to cook a meal and shop for it. She knows what "produce" is in the grocery store. She knows how to do the dishes. She mows our lawn and knows what a weed is and how to pull it out. She knows how to unclog a toilet. When I told her about the author's method of putting money in a jar and then removing it when chores weren't done, I was told that it wouldn't work on her because she doesn't do her chores for money. She knows that helping around the house is actually something that is done because you are part of a family, and that it is just doing your fair share. And she learned all these things because she was taught them as part of her every day life, not because she needed specific lessons.

So it seems that I've actually raised a real "socialist" in this liberal, progressive family, while this obviously conservative, religious family has kids who are spoiled and lazy. Seems a bit ironic, doesn't it?

I didn't even finish this book. After reading the bathroom chapter, I realized that this book had absolutely nothing to offer me and returned it to the library. If I'd seen the quotes on the cover from organizations such as Focus on the Family and National Religious Broadcasters, I probably would never have checked it out.

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. Unlike some books that are similar in nature, this was to the point with truly applicable ideas and suggestions and some humor sprinkled in.

[Crabbygirl · Rating 1 out of 5]

the biggest thing(s) i got from this book was not the subject or what was actually said, but what i could read in between the lines:
and what i read/understood was how annoying/frustrating it must be to be married to an evangelical christian who is able to call god on her side for each and every marital spat (plus bring along your blog audience to witness your rightness/righteousness)

point of fact:
said author's husband (understandably) wants to NOT have their teenage son potentially damage their property while learning to do handy man jobs, while author feels just the opposite. author states that the ensuing argument was mutually forgiven that evening but they needed 3 days before they could discuss the incident (anyone else read that as: i wouldn't speak to him for 3 days?)
author gives lip service that her "wonderful, loving" husband deserves her respect in this matter but can't help but include scripture that supports HER argument that god trusts and needs man to care for the earth and it's creatures...
so let's see: hubby against wife and god. who do you think will win? (not to mention that she gets to re/interpret the argument's details for her blog audience and be sure she comes off as respectful, reasonable, and loving.

and the god angle bugged me too. the first few chapters had NO mention of god. then there were sprinkles of youth groups and hints that friends homeschooled, it progressed to church attendance, and then direct references to our lord and saviour. it's obvious her publisher told her to can it on the religion talk until folks got fully into the text.

and she had some ridiculous advice sprinkled in there:
like kids earning cash by setting up a lemonade stand (hello? every town has a bylaw against selling food without a licence)
like suggesting the 'trash-bag tango' (this is where everyone gets 2 trash bags and fills one with trash, and one with stuff to give away) ok, that sounds fine you might say. but she suggests doing this twice a week! with 5 kids and 2 parents, that's 28 bags of stuff leaving your home A WEEK. wouldn't you empty your home within a month?!
and the thing that bothered me most: paying kids for chores. this goes in direct contradiction to one of the author's essential points: self esteem. being paid one dollar to clean your room doesn't give self esteem. helping out your family, in a meaningful way, will do that. if the only recognition you receive for your efforts (instead of acknowledgment, or praise, for example) is a dollar, you'll quickly lose interest.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book started out strong and had a good concept. Teach our children to do things for themselves so they become active and compassionate members of society. I was interested.

While there were some good points that did lead me to changes at home already (we started a chore chart that is working wonders with my 5 year old), I did find myself skipping over entire sections. I think the author views the world from a very distinct point of view - upper middle class, Christian family from Texas. She has a maid and her children are in private school. She made a few comments that seemed to show that she doesn't know too many people outside of her economic circle. One example - she made a comment about health care reform being a bad idea because it only allowed adult children to stay on their parent's health care plan until the age of 26, thus feeding their entitlement. This struck me as someone who has no idea how hard it can be for recent college grads or high school grads to find a job with benefits. She also referred frequently to not wanting to raise "little socialists", although...that is exactly what she wanted. Everyone working together to benefit the whole (in this case, her family).

Despite the political confusion (and I am happy to see in the other reviews that I am not the only one who felt this way), I liked the basic concept of the book. Start young and teach our children how to care for themselves, their family and their community. Treat others with respect, don't put yourself first and be responsible. As I stated before, my 5 year old loves his new chore list and has such a sense of pride when he accomplishes something. He has even been asking to do more around the house. We will see how long it lasts. :)

So overall, a decent read. No groundbreaking information, but decent.

[Mia · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a mother of three children who works full-time I'm constantly looking for ways to keep our house better organized. I picked up this book because I could relate to the author and felt that if she can do it with five kids, I can do it with three!
I loved the concept behind this book - a mother who wanted to teach her kids the value of work and the sense of accomplishment that comes with a job well done. Also, she wanted to be sure that before her children left home, there were certain chores that they knew how to do. So, for one year, she takes on an experiment... each month brings a new chore that the kids have to learn. Going along with the belief that it takes 30 days to make a new habit, she figures that if her kids focus on that one chore for 30 days it will become second nature to them.
Initially, I enjoyed reading each months chore and how she chose to introduce the chore, how she taught the children to do the chore (which was challenging given the age range she has), and several antics that came along the way. I also admired her honesty and self reflection which I felt were sincere and relatable.
What I didn't enjoy was that after a few chapters, I found myself becoming bored. I realized that I was reading the book to get ideas for how to get chores done at my house and which chores would be good ones to put into place instead of reading for a true understanding of the journey and the larger picture/lesson. Each month/chapter began to feel like a repeat of the last one, with a new chore being the only difference and I kept saying to myself, "didn't I already read this part?"
Overall, I liked the book and felt that it gave me the push I needed to start bringing some structure into my house. I enjoyed the author and could easily relate to her. However, the book fell flat about half way through.

[heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the practical tips in this book -- ideas like the chore jar, and making themed months for everyone to work, and identifying your goals for what you want your adult children to do and understand when you have finished raising them.

On the other hand, there was so much that I didn't connect with. Because of my parenting style, my kids don't really believe I am their domestic servant because I am at work all the time. So the feeling of entitlement that Wyma was talking about is not a problem I have. I don't really feel inspired to do for them. I assume they can do for themselves, sometimes to the detriment of the filter in my dishwasher.

On the whole, I think it's a useful book with some good ideas on pushing yourself and your kids beyond comfort zones, but I would have been happier if it had been less gender role driven. I thought one of the most interesting things was the uninvolvement of the dad in the picture. The only time he really comes up is when he is being actively unhelpful with the overall goals.

Read if: You are looking for ways to expand your free-range parenting in the world of chores.

Skip if: You are not deep in the weeds of parenting.

Also read: Lenore Skenazy's Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry

[M.K.]

Here's a detail to begin with: I liked this book enough to keep it two extra days of incurring fines. Not just late-a-day-ten-cent fines, but it's-on-hold-so-hurry-up-already fines.

Wyma realizes one day that her kids expect to be served, have little initiative, and care about all the wrong things. So, she launches a year-long war on her kids' habits, tackling everything from laundry to hosting a party. Along the way they discover the joy of work amid typical growing pains and brick walls.

I've got a toddler and one in utero, so there wasn't much I could practically apply right now, but the reminder to constantly be on the lookout for ways to help my kids move toward independence stuck with me. Wyma's writing is warm and humorous, though at times it feels very bloggy (lifted straight from her website, perhaps?) and some of the spiritual writing seems plunked down out of place. On the whole, it's a very enjoyable read that will get you thinking about how best to serve your kids...and mostly by not serving them.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I truly love some of the ideas on this book and will be adding some things presented here into our family's routine. I had a difficult time with the author's tone, however. It is a bit grating/ annoying. I'm glad I read it, but found it hard to finish in some ways simply due to the tone and wording. Overall, some great ideas.

[Christina DeVane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this intriguing and inspiring. This records her journey of failures and successes in training her kids to work and do some amazing things! I want my kids to be hard workers at everything they do- school, sports, music, housework- and I must be diligent about training them now!

[Amy Murray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I loved the goals this author set for herself and her family. After waking up one day and realizing her children are growing up spoiled and with a whopping sense of entitlement, the author decides to set a goal each month that will teach her children valuable life skills. There is a broad range of skills to be acquired, too, from making beds to hosting a get-together for friends to yard work. I love that she and her husband set goals and stuck to them, despite the backlash and whining they got from their children.

I think the most fabulous part of this book is the way both the author AND her kids come to realize that the most meaningful value they learned over the year was the value of serving others. They really went out of their way to stress looking out for other people--your siblings, your neighbors, less fortunate kids in the community--as they taught their kids new life skills each month. I think it's a great book for all parents, because we could all use a wake up call when it comes to raising children who think everything in the world should be handed to them. I loved that the author made it a point to say that if you expect your children to do well, they almost always will. I'm already using some of her tactics with my five year old. For instance, as she's melting down over matching up the socks in the clean laundry pile, I make it a point to tell her I wouldn't give her a job to work on that I didn't think she could do.

There was one theme I just couldn't get on board with, or maybe just found hard to swallow in these tough economic times, and that was the way the author drops money left and right to teach her kids how to function in the world. For example, she decides that each of her four older children (the youngest, at age three, is too young to participate) will have a jar with $30 deposited in their rooms at the start of each month. Each day, if their room is not properly cleaned up, one dollar is removed. The kids get to keep any money left in their jar at the end of the month. Good concept, right? Except...wow. $120 each month to get your kids to clean their rooms? This might even seem more tolerable were it not a recurrent theme througout the book. The author seems to think nothing of dropping $100 at the Dollar Store while teaching her children to shop for needy kids or giving her children an out on learning to mow the lawn because then what would the landscapers do when they came to work? This may be just my opinion, but isn't part of the point to maybe get your kids involved and then you won't NEED a landscaping company? When teaching your kids to host a party, maybe taking each of them to the store for invitations and supplies and food is a unnecessary...maybe you could teach them to use what they already have? I felt like the author really missed the boat on this. Interesting, as she points out toward the end that one of her friends made it a point to teach her son yard work instead of continuing with a yard service, so that her son wouldn't grow up thinking he HAD to hire people to do the things he himself could do. What if he didn't make enough money to hire out those services?

Overall, this book is entertaining, positive, and uplifting. She really is a great author, and parts of the story just make you laugh. I'm glad she could share this experience so others can learn from it.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an awesome book! I actually found a link to the book when I began researching the net about child entitlement. I had noticed to my dismay that my own children were acting as if the world owed them something. A quote from my daughter..."Mom, I am your precious child..you are SUPPOSED to do things for me. That is just the way it works.". I did not know what I had done to lead her to believe this way.

Wyma helped me to see that I had inadvertently been responsible (at least in part) for my children's misguided beliefs. In our society we tend to do things for our children to either make it go faster, make sure it is done right the first time, to give them time for all the stuff we involve them in (such as sports, scouts, etc), or because we want them to be happy. They are capable of much more than we give them credit for. We just have to let them have the opportunity to show us what they can do.

Some of her ideas will not work with really small children (like my 3 and 5 year olds) but she acknowledges that as she has a 4 year old herself. However there are ways to tweak each lesson to fit the abilities of your child(ren) and she encourages the reader to do whatever works best in that family.

I would recommend this book to any parent who wants to raise independent children who cannot only take care of themselves as adults but are able to care for others in a selfless manner as well.

[Shawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heartily recommend the spirit of this book, though I have some reservations about the book itself. If you are among the growing group of parents who is waking up to our collective failure at preparing today's children for independence, read the book and be inspired to get to work. The author chronicles a twelve-month experiment to make her kids WORK and to teach them some life skills, i.e., cleaning, laundry, cooking, running errands, being a good host, serving others, etc.

The book has a religious slant, but not until halfway through. I'm not sure why that is. The book also has a political slant. The author several times said, "I'm not going to get political, but ..." and then got political. Politics, in my opinion, are irrelevant to the entitlement so many children have been enabled to feel. While the author's politics did cause me to feel alienated and a little defensive, another reader will enjoy the heck out of them. The writer admits to being a bit spoiled herself; some of her remarks were particularly cringe-worthy, and I found that hard to overlook. Ultimately, the idea of the book and the encouragement I took from it were worth the read.

[Leanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked some of the ideas for kid chores in this book. My kids already do many of the things listed but the book inspired me to start teaching kitchen tasks - at least to my older child (age 7).

What I didn't like was the overall tone. I found myself wincing at the many lectures that she gave her children - I can only imagine how they felt.

I also didn't like the throw them into the water and let them swim mentality. Of course, my kids are younger, but I pass along new skills by working with them and then observing them and then finally leaving them on their own to complete the task.

I also found the references to kids needing instruction from those other than their parents to be contradictory in certain areas. Yes, kids eventually need outside paid jobs, but why is it necessary to send your child to a manners course? I don't think that type of "outsourcing" is necessary in all circumstances. I think the best direction and teaching kids can get comes from their parents.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am ambivalent about this book. I agree with the author, and applaud her for tackling "youth entitlement", but I felt a bit deceived. She ended up quoting a lot of scripture, and I think I may have been fine with that if the title was "A Christian Mom's Twelve Month Experiment...". It also bothered me that they live in an affluent part of Dallas. Their affluence and Dallas lifestyle (Cotillon anyone?) made them a bit hard to relate to at times.

Otherwise, I did take away a few useful tips, although I wish there were MORE tips. The book confirmed my kids are already doing 7 to 10 of her 12 topics. I've recommended the book to friends, and I did enjoy her writing and sense of humor.

[Aisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Empowering kids not enabling takes the main focus in this book. The author's 12 month experiment was filled with 12 areas to enrich the skills of children. Basic training and tasks great for elementary grades and teens. I laughed aloud on the gas pumping episode of her eldest son. Some great things I want to work on with my grade schooler and even a few (making bed habits and ideas) with my preschoolers.
A great call to encourage our kids to work and develop a character of responsibility and action in their lives.

[Katie Bruell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was certainly not expecting this to be so Republican/preachy/bible-quoting. But still enjoying it...

Loved this book. I definitely don't have the same worldview as the author in a lot of ways, but I loved her home-view, and she's a pretty entertaining writer. Starting to implement some of her ideas, and thinking about how to do more. My kids say, "I hate that book!" :) Really, I think every parent should read this!

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

The biggest lesson I learned from this book? It's way easier to get your kids invested in the life of the household (and prevent youth entitlement) by starting when they're young and not when they're teenagers.

Also, my big takeaway is that kids need meaningful work, just like adults do. They need to feel of vital importance to the life of their familial household.

I'm just waiting for when Ellie and Mark are old enough for me to foist all the housework off onto them! :)

[January · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement by Kay Wills Wyma, Foreword by Michael Gurian Originally published as Cleaning House in 2012
290-page Kindle Ebook (location - no page numbers option)

Genre: Parenting, Self Help, Christian - Nonfiction, Memoir, Family

Featuring: Able Bodies, Empowerment, Texas, Clutter, Habits, Other Moms, Motivation, Kitchen, Groceries, Cooking, Outdoors, Employment, Chemicals, Laundry, Repair and Maintenance, Party Planning, Errands, Manners, Entitlement, Chapter Reflections, Author's Note, Notes

Rating as a movie: PG

Quotes: "America’s children are in danger of remaining children all their lives. We live in the first era of human history in which consecutive generations of boys and girls are encouraged to remain children for as long as possible. They are encouraged to do so by a social system that worries over their fragility more than it challenges their inherent strength. The pendulum has swung over the last decades from the greatest generation to the entitled generation." - Michael Gurian

"“I think I’m raising little socialists,” I said, “the serve-me kind that are numb to the benefits of ingenuity and hard work, the kind that don’t just need to be taken care of—they expect it.” And why not? That’s what I have apparently been raising them to expect. In that moment and in the days that followed, I came to realize that not one of my five children knew how to do their own laundry. Not one could clean a bathroom—I mean, really clean it. Not one could cook, serve, and clean up after a full dinner. I wasn’t sure my eight-year-old could even cut his waffles. Ugh!"

"Raising independent kids is countercultural these days. Instead of teaching our children to view themselves as capable, we step in to do everything for them. We start when they’re still young, using safety as our lame excuse (“She’ll fall if I don’t hover”), then we continue “protecting” them (“If I don’t help him get As, how will he get into college?”). We pave a smooth pathway, compulsively clearing away each pebble of disappointment or difficulty before it can impede their progress. By the time they reach adolescence, they’re so used to being taken care of that they have no idea they’re missing out on discovering what they can do or who they can be."

"I’m not sure where this entitlement thing originated. I don’t remember my parents doing my homework for me or checking every answer before school the next day. They really only helped when I was legitimately stuck and asked for assistance. I don’t remember them running in to protest when a teacher gave me a bad grade, warranted or not. I sure don’t remember my folks leaping hurdles to get me on the right team at the right school with the right teacher. For the most part, they let the chips fall where they might and expected us kids to adapt and aim for success as best we could. I don’t remember getting by with a messy room anchored by my unmade bed. (Okay, so our housekeeper, Beatrice Howard—Bea to me—not my parents, checked our rooms. But she made the chain of command crystal clear: my dad, my mom, and then her. She wasn’t there to work for us. She worked for my parents. She was our boss.) We did work Saturday mornings, though, sweeping the garage, mowing the yard, washing the cars, cleaning windows, and such."

"Yet in today’s society the primary role of parents seems to be racing in to “help” their kids. We manipulate circumstances to clear a pathway for our children to reach the top and be the best. We might even complete their homework ourselves, just to be sure it’s done right. At the very least we check it all. We impart the message that achievement is paramount. Then we do everything in our power to ensure their success—by sticking ourselves smack-dab in the middle. The result? A group of kids now labeled as “Gen Me,” because they behave as if the world revolves around them. Some experts even use the term narcissistic. Is their behavior worthy of a clinical diagnosis? Maybe or maybe not. But evidence clearly suggests we now have a group of overserved kids who are struggling on the other side of education to find their place in life."

"Although the parents I know fully intend to prepare their kids to succeed in life, stories like these and an abundance of other real-life examples demonstrate that we undermine our own goals when we race in to ensure our kids’ success and happiness. Our “helping” strategy sounds good until we find ourselves immersed in a society of overindulged, underprepared adults who sorely lack a solid work ethic."

"My name is Kay Wyma. I’m a recovering enabler, procrastinator, controller, manipulator, and so much more."

"Top Twelve Things a Kid Should Know Before Flying the Wyma Coop 1. how to make a bed and maintain an orderly room 2. how to cook and clean a kitchen 3. how to do yard work 4. how to clean a bathroom 5. how to get a job … outside our home 6. how to do laundry 7. how to do handyman jobs 8. how to host a party 9. how to work together 10. how to run errands 11. how to put others first through service 12. how to act mannerly"

"When I step in, fix problems, and do those little household chores (or homework!), I send the message that they can’t do it themselves. And if they can’t do the small things, how will they ever attempt the big things? So much for my “you’re so great” kudos when they’re rarely backed by actions to prove I believe it. Actions that include transferring sole-proprietor ownership of work to the kids."

"A child will jump only as high as the bar is set. But he will jump. He just needs the bar to be set until the day he can do that for himself too."

"How many opportunities had I missed on the countless visits to the grocery store? More often than not, I’d found ways to avoid even taking them into the store, focusing on the immediate benefit of a quick get-in-get-out grab over the long-term rewards of a learning opportunity. I have as much to learn from this task as they do."

"When our Experiment started, I offered cash incentives (thirty one-dollar bills and coins in a jar). Our core plan, based on the great suggestion of my friend Lauren, was that for every day they completed their tasks, the kids could keep one of the thirty dollars. It seemed streamlined and easy. It spoke to my memory disorder, the one that causes me to forget to dole out allowance. (So maybe the jar is enabling my own problem, but that’s a separate issue.) Plus, they see the money. Some of them count the money—daily. If they miss a chore, I simply take a bill out of the jar. Bam! It’s done. No negotiation needed. However, not wanting to be considered mean for taking something away for a job done poorly or not at all, I initially gave the kids an option: they could either see the bills in their jars and deal with docking, or they could start each month with an empty jar that could be filled as chores were accomplished. Either way, they’re not allowed to spend the cash until the month has concluded. My motive was to avoid the focus on negative consequences and instead operate from a positive reward system, if that appealed to them. All the kids chose the dollar-docking approach, except for one. You guessed it: our oldest preferred that the dollar be put in rather than taken out of the jar. A killer for me since I never seem to have any one-dollar bills on me, and I really do struggle with remembering. It never mattered, though, because only one party has paid minimal attention to our bed-making/chore efforts. (Well, maybe two if you count me.) How interesting to discover from this successful businessman that a stock-market principle was hidden in those jars. The motivation associated with potentially losing a dollar is much greater than the incentive to gain a dollar. Who knew? I think I must have been absent, or possibly asleep, when this theory was discussed in business school."

"Rather than moan and groan about how entitled kids are these days, let’s equip them to work hard and let’s seek out creative ways to help them embrace the value of meaningful work. Then at the end of what most certainly will be a long road, most likely a countercultural road, we can sit on our front porches (sweet tea in hand) and watch them soar. I’m convinced, because I’ve watched it work, that when you teach your kids how to do things, then sit back and let them go, they will reach for and achieve goals much higher than any parent would have set."

My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🧹🧺

My thoughts: 🔖16% Task 2 Kitchen Patrol - This book is great! As a mom who has had her children working since they could walk, one-year-olds can do a lot, I was still relating and I loved the jar idea. Our kids earn commissions but since the money started getting automatically transferred to their accounts I think something was lost. So I'm going to try the jar system. I totally relate to stepping in because it's easier sometimes. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this book hopefully this afternoon it's a pretty easy read.

I loved this book! I'm going to be referring to it as I incorporate some of these ideas into my home. I think I'm pretty entitled myself when it comes to working and chores, I too prefer to do what I want over what is needed. Anyway, I enjoyed that this wasn't written in traditional self-help format but as a join me on this adventure memoir. It gave me Karen Kingsbury's Baxter Family vibes, very enjoyable for nonfiction. I didn't even use some of my favorite quotations, this book was fabulous and full of gems. It was awesome to see the kids and parents grow along with the successes and disappointments along the way.

Recommend to others: Yes! This great book for families. Highly recommend.

[Emilee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I spent ages looking for a book just like this, about a mom with spoiled kids who teaches them how to work and be more responsible and independent after years of doing everything for them. The writer spent a full year doing "the experiment" where each month she introduced her kids (who helpfully spanned the ages from preschooler to teenager) to a new task and then documented how it went - the successes, the failures, the pushback, the mistakes. She covered a wide range of skills (tidying, laundry, meal planning and prepping, home maintenance, hosting, etc) and it was incredibly gratifying to see a mom who had misguidely spoiled her kids as much as most of us have do a full U-turn and start preparing them for life and success after childhood. I really enjoyed her candor and watching their journey as a family, and I was inspired and encouraged to start parenting, and stop spoiling, my own kids.

[Cindy · Rating 3 out of 5]

We're preparing for a cross-country move with three kids, and I thought Kay Wills Wyma's Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement would be a great resource for how to motivate the kids to give me the help I need to make this process go smoothly.

Wyma claims her Experiment was prompted by her 14-year-old son's off-hand request for a Porsche for his 16th birthday. She came up with a twelve-step program to teach the children the hows and whys of self-sufficiency. Each month was assigned a step (see below for a list).

Each month she announced, via a pseudo-democratic family meeting, what the project of the month was. She heard the groans, the protests, and the eyerolls, and she persevered. She gave each child his or her own container, put a dollar for each day of the month in it, and then set them to work. If they failed to do the required job they lost a dollar for that day. At the end of the month they kept whatever remained. As the year progressed, the chores that had been practiced the month before were retained, so that in the first month they were earning a dollar a day just for keeping their rooms neat, and by the end of the year they were keeping their rooms neat, doing their own laundry, helping to plan, prepare, and clean up after meals, and more, all for that same dollar. Halfway through she also instituted a jobs board that enabled kids to earn extra on additional projects.

It was generous of Wyma to give readers insight into her family. I always appreciate hearing how normal my kids are -- other people's kids give more or less the same kind of trouble in more or less the same proportions as mine.

It also was reassuring; my kids have been helping set the table, clear dishes, make beds, dust, sweep, empty the dishwasher, sort dirty laundry, fold and put away clean laundry, and help out with the grocery shopping since they were very small. Wyma's kids didn't know what produce was. So at least I knew I hadn't been slacking as much as I feared in the personal responsibility aspect of child-rearing.

But as interesting as I found Wyma's insights, the book was lacking as a parenting guide. It really is just an account of how things went for one family. Her kids never failed; the dollar and her word seemed to be sufficient motivation for them. If I promised my kids a dollar a day to clean their rooms and make their beds, I'm pretty sure they'd earn only maybe half the money (at best), because they are so unaccustomed to having a regular income. Not getting a dollar they wouldn't have gotten anyway makes little impact on them. Nobody in her family ever seemed to balk at whatever she was asking of them, or if they did she didn't talk at all about how she coped with the resistance. They complained and maybe rolled their eyes, and then they did it.

They also never seemed to fail even when they made the attempt. Failure happens, even when the kids are moved by a generous spirit, as when my six-year-old broke a glass while emptying the dishwasher. He was so excited to help and show how capable he was that he was moving fast. The look on his face when he dropped it was heartbreaking. Of course he was barefoot, so my reaction was "DON'T MOVE!" because I was afraid he would step on the glass and cut his feet. But he heard yelling and thought he was in trouble. When we got everything cleaned up he said "I guess I should just go back to putting away the silverware." Of course I reassured him and he got over it; the point is that her kids rarely failed at what they attempted, except from resistance or laziness (as when they were cleaning the bathroom), nor does she address how to draw the line between a job done poorly but with good intentions and a job just flat out done poorly.

Another difficulty I had with this book is that her conservative political bent sometimes manifests as though her kids are liberals (she actually uses the word "socialists") who expect handouts, while she, the responsible conservative, wants them to be responsible for themselves. As a liberal, I really object to her position, but since it doesn't cover the majority of her book, just kind of flavors it, it is not a reason to avoid it altogether. I do want to point out, however, that liberals want their children to be as empowered and capable as conservatives do, and that if she does continue writing like this that I would find her work more compelling if she left the liberal-conservative thing out of it. And also, used the word "socialists" correctly.

I'm not sure if Wyma meant Cleaning House to be a parenting book or a memoir; she did almost no research to support her assertions. She mentioned Michael Gurian's Wonder of Boys a few times, but it sounded like she had heard it recounted to her, rather than read it herself. There were a few other snippets of professional advice scattered throughout, but mostly it was the anecdotal sort from other families, so helpful, but not necessarily authoritative. Surely over the course of a year she could have read his book herself (especially since he blurbed hers for her)? And perhaps one or two others on similar topics?

Overall, I'd give Cleaning House 3 1/2 stars out of 5. I take a full star off for not being specific enough about resistance and failure, and half a star for putting a conservative slant on a topic that does not need to be politicized. If you'd like a jumping off place for helping teach your children to be useful, confident adults, you could do worse than this book. I just wish that Wyma had done rather better.

[Jackie Selles · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an audio book, and I found it to be ok. Each time she engaged her kids to a new task in her 12 month experiment, they would complain, eventually do the thing she wanted, and hope that life would return back to normal. I didn't find her kids improved or moved out of their self centered world, they just learned how to contribute to life at home, and still complain....'ah mom, do we have to do this?' Oh, and she does some husband bashing, which is on the top of my list of dislikes.

[Elizabeth Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me at the subtitle! Seriously, what mom of teens doesn't struggle with "youth entitlement" in this day and age. I confess to being a huge enabler, therefore I received some wonderful inspiration from this book!
I listened to this audio book on Hoopla Digital, courtesy of my public library.