An Unfinished Marriage

by Joan Anderson

In this moving sequel to her national bestseller A Year by the Sea , Joan Anderson explores the challenges of rebuilding and renewing a marriage with her trademark candor, compassion, and insight.

With A Year by the Sea , Joan Anderson struck a chord in many tens of thousands of readers. Her brave decision to take a year for herself away from her marriage, her frank assessment of herself at midlife, and her openness in sharing her fears as well as her triumphs won her admirers and inspired women across the country to reconsider their options. In this new book, Anderson does for marriage what she did for women at midlife. Using the same very personal approach, she shows us her own rocky path to renewing a marriage gone stale, satisfying the demand from readers and reviewers to learn what comes next.

When Joan and her husband Robin decided to repair and renew their marriage after her eye-opening year of self-discovery, the outcome was far from certain. He had suddenly decided to retire and move to Cape Cod himself and embark on his own journey of midlife reinvention. After the initial shock of incorporating another person back into Joan’s daily life and her treasured cottage, they begin the process of "recycling"–using the original materials of their marriage to create a new partnership. Rereading the letters that she had written from Uganda during the early years of their marriage, she is reminded about the nervousness and joy with which she began their life together. Her sudden incapacitation with a broken ankle reveals an unexpected resourceful and tender side in her husband. A grimly comic and strained dinner party with three other couples reveals to both Joan and Robin some of the emotional pitfalls (and horrors) that can befall married couples.

In her year of solitude by the sea, Anderson learned that "there is no greater calling than to make a new creation out of the old self." In An Unfinished Marriage , she charts the new journey that she and her husband have begun together, seasoned by their years of marriage but newly awakened to the possibilities of their future together. A unique, tremendously moving and insightful entry into the literature of marriage, it will provide salutary shocks of recognition and fresh hope for all women and men negotiating their own marital passages.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Marriage, Biography, Biography Memoir, Book Club, Relationships

256 pages, Hardcover

First published March 12, 2002

About the author

Ever since I can remember I have been curious—asking questions, trying to figure out life’s meaning—all in an effort to live fully and get it right. My career began as a stringer reporter for the Gannett newspaper chain. As I practiced the craft of writing, I moved on to photo essays books for children, then the breakthrough book, Breaking the TV Habit, and finally into the genre of memoir. The latter happened quite by accident after I ran away from home, lived a year by the sea on my own, and realized that there was something in this experience worth writing about. So many women I knew wanted or needed to stop the craziness of their lives but had not the will or the ability to do so. By writing my story it has given hundreds of thousands of women the excuse to take themselves away, have their turn, and see who they are beyond the roles that they play.

The six books that have come out of my experiences have all been best sellers and many have been printed in foreign languages. My big boost came when Oprah called and invited me on her show—not once, but twice! There have been several appearances on the Today Show, Good Morning America, ten book tours, and numerous articles headlining me as the “woman who got away,” the runaway wife,” or “the woman who took a sabbatical.” Actually, I’m not any one of these descriptions. I am simply a person who wanted to become a scholar of self and soul.

A vocation has come as a result of my search and my books. I conduct weekends by the sea on Cape Cod for women seeking nourishment and weekend retreats in other parts of the country and abroad such as Sonoma, California, Sedona, Arizona, Iona, Scotland, Omega Institute, Rhinebeck, New York, Kripalu, Berkshires, and Whidbey Island, Washington. Beyond that, I have the pleasure of speaking on women’s topics for organizations throughout the country (see past appearances). I guess you could say that I am truly “as unfinished as the shoreline along the beach, meant to transcend myself again and again.” It is my delight to encourage women to know they too are unfinished.

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This sequel to A Year by the Sea sees the author trying to adjust to living with her husband Robin in their Cape Cod home again after a one-year marriage “sabbatical.” It’s a time full of moody ups and downs for both of them – and she’s brave to show her own failures of kindness and understanding here – but by the end you feel that they’ve found a way to move forward in companionship even after the passion of a 30-year relationship is long gone. One thing Anderson emphasizes is that “the only way to be a good spouse is to be a whole person as well,” which for her husband meant finding meaningful post-retirement projects. I was eager to continue the story begun in the previous volume, but found this less engaging.

[Kira FlowerChild · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recently read Joan Anderson's A Year by the Sea and really enjoyed it. In that book, Joan Anderson tells how, when her husband took a job across the country from where they lived without consulting Joan, she chose to spend the year at their Cape Cod cottage. Since they had been married more than thirty years and their children were grown with families of their own, there was no reason she couldn't take a little vacation from her marriage. Her husband was not at all happy with her decision in the beginning, but gradually, as he came to visit Joan in Cape Cod during the holidays, he began to see how much Joan had changed and grown as a person during their time apart.

In An Unfinished Marriage, Joan's husband, Robin, has decided to retire and move into the Cape Cod cottage with her. Honestly, even though they decided at the end of A Year by the Sea to stay together, I really didn't think it would work. But once you've invested thirty years in a marriage, unless you are really unhappy, it is hard to let go. I should know, I've been married thirty-nine years, not all of them happy, but now we have settled into a routine, as Joan and her husband did, and I would say we are content.

I didn't like this book as much as I did the first one, I guess because I haven't had my "year by the sea" or even "weekend by the sea," which is Anderson's latest project. She goes around lecturing on how to "find yourself" by taking a weekend away from your familiar surroundings. That is her next book, which I bought and will read eventually, but I have a few other books ahead of it on my TBR list.

If you've read A Year by the Sea, you might enjoy this book. I marked a lot of passages - not as many as in the first book, but still, there was a lot about this book that was memorable and enjoyable.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Due to computer problems, I've been "mostly" at the library and doing a best efforts to do my work and go home. However, I had the urge to browse and in doing so, sitting on the shelf was Joan Anderson's, An Unfinished Marriage. I've read A Year by the Sea twice and Thoughts of An Unfinished Woman. I loved both.

Yet,this is Joan Anderson's finest work (in my humble opinion). I read it almost from start to finish and please forgive my dating - I still haven't figured out the ins and outs of Goodreads.

There are many highlights in this book. Call it "advice" from your best friend or learning from another's experience, at the very least, you will find yourself learning quite a bit about reconciliation and relationships.

After a lengthy separation from her husband, Robin... he finds himself with early retirement and back living with Joan at the Cape. How she feels about this set me wondering how I would feel. Would I want to give up my freedom and doing as I pleased to being married or could I redefine marriage/relationship as she and Robin did. It takes patience and the basic ingredient of friendship.

A sub-theme is retirement and how would you spend your days. Would you do as you pleased? Would you volunteer to a heartfelt cause? Would you find employment? Endless time on your hands is a question I found easy to answer and I sense Joan had little problem in filling up her hours - until Robin comes home.

One of the heartfelt moments is when Robin comes to terms with his early retirement and finds a direction.

The best chapter for me is when Joan and Robin rent a sand dune house. Very primitive and you may ask why they did this... it is because they decided to renovate their home and needed a place to live temporarily. Asking yourself this question, could you do this, with a man that you haven't lived with and even with his return, are trying to find a new place in relationship with him. Discarding the old patterns to find each other.

This is an excellent read and Joan shares much wisdom from her experience. It is shared with love and warmth.

Please read and Joan, if by any chance, you are reading this - when is the next memoir?

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved Joan Anderson's book "A Year by the Sea" and I was very happy to see that she had written another book about her life. I wasn't disappointed with this novel and read it in one sitting. I have come to the conclusion that either you like this writing style, a memoir with a homey feel, or you don't. With that said, what this book is, is Joan's opinions about her life and her observations about her marriage. This book won't appeal to everyone. Not everyone will agree with her opinions and may find her constant observations egocentric but for me, it was a wonderful look into an intelligent woman's world of what makes her relationship work and not work. I love the way Joan writes through the seasons, expressing her transformation from the self limiting roles of wife and mother to the open ones of companion, trusted friend and soulmate. Anderson is not afraid to take a hard look at herself and analyze the reasons she falls into negative behavior and attitudes. What's more she genuinely wants to transform and allow her husband to transform in his own unique way without interfering. Not an easy thing to do. As I finshed the book, I felt as if I had just ended a conversation with a friend who had shared some secrets, fears, laughs and accomplishments with me. This was an enjoyable and enlightening memoir.

[Cheryl Dietr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had a read this as a much younger woman I don't think I would have been ready for the wonderful wisdom and reflection contained between these two covers. But as a 55 yo woman whose marriage is also in the midst of changes and reformation, well, it couldn't have come at a better time. I starred passages, underlined and copied them to my husband and friends who love me. It made me decide to work harder on trying to figure out new ways of relating to replace the stale ones we have munched on for the last several years. For me, this book was a vessel to steer myself home.

[Sonya Feher · Rating 2 out of 5]

An Unfinished Marriage is Anderson's follow up memoir to A Year by the Sea, which told the story of her sabbatical from her marriage as she tried to find her way back to herself. Now, she's back with her husband as they try to remember what brought them together originally, what they have in common, and how to make a life with each other now that their boys are grown and out of the house. My experience of this book was much like her last. Though I am fascinated by the concept, Anderson's traditional values, her personality, and her life in general are so far from my own that I don't relate. And the way she writes doesn't translate her life so that it crosses the divide of our characters. She doesn't read as sympathetic or contemptible. Mostly, I just didn't care all that much. While some of the strategies she and her husband try might be helpful remedies for a distant marriage, they could have populated a self-help marriage book more effectively because the story of this particular marriage is not compelling.

[Patrick · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the lesson of the book that in long-term marriage man and woman need to see each other and accept each other for who they are not what they wish each other to be but some of the stories in the book sort of dragged so I will give this book 2.75 stars. Not good enough for a 3 stars but a lot better than the 2 stars rating.

The book is about what happens to a woman after she had a mid-life crisis she took a break from her marriage, a year sabbatical. She realized during her year off that every life has cycle and "there is a time for everything in life". She learned that like everything else in life, love takes work. This book shows the need for a break from everything in order to rejuvenate alone.

Joan is impulsive by nature so her taking a time out was as impulsive as them getting back together. Despite her uneasiness of her having her husband back, matched her need to have him back in an old friendship alliance. She states that they met @ Yale Drama School and then joined the Peace Corps soon after since having a job was preferable to going broke. She states their early years in Uganda made and the trials that they faced forged a closeness among them devoid of the usual banalities of married life. They both had a commitment to social causes in helping others to make a better society.

She states that "finding personal space within perpetual togetherness is key". Joan Anderson also states that her husband "shares [her] sense that [they] need to create new independent lives, so that when [they] return home in the evening [they] each bring a vibrancy that comes from meaningful endeavor". She realizes it is hard to change a routine thus she is giving her husband a long leash to figure out whether he wants to continue working or not. He does not like all the free time he has from retiring and demoralized at a bunch of rejection letters comes his way. Like most men, his personality is wrapped around his job and when he retires from his career, he does not know how to handle himself.

Joan says that they are different personalities so that creates friction. Joan tells her sons that they will know when they are in love when they never lack anything to say with their intended partners. She values conversation in order to stay connected to her lover (husband). They need a joint crisis in order to "rally the band wagons" and keep their relationships alive (Clintons, they are the most coherent when one of them is being attacked by the outsiders). Whereas Joan remembers her husband as a dashing man who socialized at the Ambassadors compound, he now is reclusive and does not like socializing (like Dad). Joan likes entertaining guests (like Mom) so much so that it gets her adrenaline pumping.

She states that men have a hard time expressing things among themselves about their troubles b/c men think they should be able to fix their own issues. This is the reason why I usually have one woman to talk to about my feelings while I "hang out with males" to do stuff with. She claims that she is annoyed that success is defined by material security and advantages (of what people do than who they are).

She accepted the assignment for a journalist gig b/c she wanted time to be on her own. She can get away and has a project to tackle so her husband is jealous that his wife has something to do while he has to stay @ home doing nothing. She likes creating things out of nothing. Ann likes moving b/c she needs mental and physical challenge. She states that feeling her own body through training is the only time she feels alive and totally in the moment. Joan realizes that life experiences create wisdom in how we respond to the hand that each of us is dealt and how we make the most of the destinies we inherit. While Joan was away, Robin found that the world was too big to control. Even though it is we who register what it means to be alive, she recognizes it "helps to have someone with whom we can share our progress--someone who applauds not only the direction we take but also the origins of the journey. She realized her journey away spawned her husband's journey within and excitement comes as we continuously attend to the mysteries of who we are to become". Christmas is a time for family to come together and bask in each others presence.

Joan breaks her ankle and the 2 months of medical rest makes her surrender to her fate rather than actively act in it. While her husband, Robin, who succeeds in everything he does has to learn the virtue of care taking of a sick wife with no joy of goal to aim for. She thinks of giving as power b/c she believes givers have the power while receivers are receivers "are left to be vulnerable and gracious." I like her line, "It's been said that love's deep realization is found in the growing, struggling, longing, and reaching toward perfection, all the while living fully in the here and now. My inability to receive love has been broken down be my need to accept care. In a weakened position I have no choice but to feel, notice, and respond".

Her husband finally found his calling in small town politics in running for a local school board. His new found purpose spills over to their domestic life as good for both of them. They think today's culture of men and women working in different places is bad for the relationship of both people involved. Is that true? They think working together on a common project brings people closer to each other. But later she learns that Robin is pursuing his own projects much to her chagrin.

While their home is being renovated, they decided to spend their time in the middle of nowhere to connect with each other without the intrusion of the outside world. Joan states her experience in the wilderness "has been a chance to test our abilities to adapt, change, and thus sink deeper into each other's consciousness". B/c they had to cling to each other in order to survive, they became closer out of necessity. She states that "falling in love and falling out of love happen with little assistance, but staying in love demands practice". Their shared solitude did a lot to strengthen their relationship since all they had to do is just be. I like the image she gives of nakedness that they contend with, in the middle of nowhere as a symbol of nudity in the absence of emotional and mental pretense for both of them. After the adventure in the dunes, she feels blessed to be with her "best friend---2 souls who have known each other suddenly experiencing a deeper recognition".

Robin spells out what attracted him to Joan was their ability to share intimacy in thoughts and feelings with each other. Furthermore, he says desire for him @ this moment in their life means to spend the rest of his life with a good friend and confidante. She revels in the fact that she ends up with a man she can be herself around shedding the pretense of being their best self all the time instead of just being.

[Beth Bonini · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have no idea where this book came from, but I discovered it on my shelves when I was moving house a few months ago and it ended up on the stack on my bedside table. This is what I think of as a ‘midlife reckoning’ book, and the author wrote it after a year she spent alone in her Cape Cod cottage. During that year, chronicled in A Year by the Sea, she rediscovered herself; in this book, she and her husband set themselves the challenge of seeing if they can live together again. As the title suggests, the author wants to see if there is still some ‘storyline’ left in their marriage.

This book is 20 years old, and although many of its insights are timeless, there was something stale in the delivery. I could appreciate the content of the struggle, but I did not have an affinity for her writing voice at all. I could empathise with the roles that Joan and her husband Robin played in their marriage, though. I was also interested in her thoughts about her grown-up sons and those changing relationships.

I did write down this line: “The lesson, of course, is to stay in the present but welcome change.”

It’s a brave thing to disrupt a long marriage in such a dramatic way, and this couple were able to rise to that challenge and reverse the sclerotic effect of years of not communicating well. Midlife can be a time of counting losses - one’s children, one’s career, perhaps one’s health - but it’s also a time of great possibility. If nothing else, this book encourages the reader to believe that even midlife marriages are capable of change and growth.

[Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies · Rating 4 out of 5]

It started off better than the second half. I liked the details about their dynamic together but it gets a little poetic- not every thing you see at the beach is a metaphor for your relationship!! but I enjoyed it enough to finish.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having enjoyed “A Year by the Sea”, I looked forward to Joan Anderson’s next book. II just love her writing. It comes to you after a one-year marriage sabbatical in Cape Cod and continues with Joan back with her husband to give it another go. This style of memoir appeals to me with its introspective dialogue. It speaks of expectations, met and unmet. . .then melding into acceptance. History plays a huge role, things shared, life lived. It is athoughtful and thought-provoking.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughtful read.

A Year By the Sea and An Unfinished Marriage are both thoughtful reads. They put words to some things I have been feeling but couldn't express. Uncomfortable at times, and enlightening and thought-provoking.

[Penny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many years ago I had read Joan Anderson's earlier book, A Year by the Sea, and absolutely loved it! I lived that experience with her and dreamed of having one of my own like it, although I never followed through on it. An Unfinished Marriage continues the author's story, describing how she and her husband reunited and reconciled and with a few stumbles early on nonetheless rediscovered each other and forged a stronger marriage. The title of the book attracted me. I consider my marriage an unfinished one. My husband passed away four years ago, and I wish we had had the opportunity to rediscover each other in these retirement years. Reading Anderson's book gave me a glimpse into what that might have been like. It's a lovely book that portrays a marriage as it really is with all the bumps and struggles and changes in each partner on the way to equanimity and a deeper love than first love. I'm heading to Cape Cod tomorrow, the setting of this memoir, and looking forward to considering the impact of place on relationships.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is the sequel to A Year by the Sea, in which Anderson tells about the year-long break she took from her marriage and the chance yet lasting friendship that she made with Joan Erikson, wife of the psychoanalyst Erik Erikson.

In this brief but moving and insightful book, Anderson traces the first year of the reunion between her and her husband Robin: the ups and downs, the large and small irritations, and ultimately several new and shared experiences that serve to bring them back together and give them hope for the future.

I really enjoyed this book. Anderson is a writer who looks you right in the eye and describes life as it truly is. I felt somewhat suspenseful as I read, wondering whether or not the couple would be able to overcome enough of the obstacles between them. This is not a recent book, nor are the principles in it, but it is well worth the read!

[Terri · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir follows from A Year by the Sea, and wouldn't really work without having that volume in mind already. Even A Walk on the Beach is a good prelude for this one, as Anderson talks with her friend Joan Erickson about her husband's decision to retire and join her in their Cape Cod cottage where she has forged her own way for a year.

There are a few gems of insight into marriage and family; and also the little habits that men and women hold on to as they work out their own power struggles. The best gems are the quotations at the beginning of every chapter.

I find that the chapters although ostensibly told in chronological order are still held together by a theme or event. This usually works quite well; I did find myself wondering, though, what happened to their cat who disappeared during a renovation and then returned only for them to take off for two weeks to a shack in the dunes! (Details don't always flow throughout, in other words.)

[Linda Saunders · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hmmm... Hmmm... I read this one quite a few years ago but thought it was a rare and raw look into the mind of a middle aged woman who takes stalk of where she is in life. Joan decides to take a year away from her marriage to sort herself out. This book focuses on her decision to reconnect with her husband and the adjustments they both make to continue together.
I found it heart wrenching, at times, yet, hopeful.
A few years later, I saw a movie... Hope Springs... Merle Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Not entirely alike...but indicative of the work it takes to keep a relationship evolving, after many years.
I enjoyed both.

[Sandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

part of last paragraph of Prologue: So began the continuation of our marriage, minus the fire of old passion and mired with problems and illusions. In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm says, “Nothing, especially love, can be mastered without practice – and practice involves discipline, concentration, patience, and supreme concern.” Through trial and error, yielding and resisting, retracting and reinventing, dependence and interdependence, we began the task of reassembling our lives together. . . . . The unfinished elements of our relationship will forever rise and fall, like the incoming tide, constantly and irresistibly moving within us

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars - I need to go back and read her original “A Year By the Sea” for more context, so this review stands alone for now.

I appreciate the author’s sincerity and candor about very personal experiences. It did feel like sitting for coffee with a good friend. I scored a few pearls of wisdom from this book, so I feel that made it worth the time. The only negative is the sense that she stretches a bit too far to find poetic metaphor in every, single moment and detail. I’m all for natural beauty and the parallels of our lives in nature, but it’s a bit overdone here. Otherwise, a very quick, enjoyable and relatable read.

[Regina Spiker · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Trauma, problem solving, crisis - all those dark spots that we try to avoid - may be just what relationships need to keep them bubbling along. it occurs to me that we spend most of our lives learning how to avoid difficulty in order to project an image of confidence and success, thus losing the chance to expose our vulnerable selves, one to another.

"I can't believe it - 32 years with the same person! It's almost ridiculous," I jest. but that's just it, he answers, solemnly. We're not the same person."

[Gina Landers · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had been sitting on my shelves for years and I finally decided to read it and donate it. Although it was interesting to me personally from an over thirty year marriage perspective, I found the lengthy narratives about nature especially nearing the end too much. I am delighted that Robin, her husband, was committed to the relationship and that they still had a sexuality between them, but for long-lasting couples is this as true in the 70’s as it was for them in their 50’s? I did not think the book especially well written.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Joan Anderson put the voices in my head on paper. After quarantining with my husband for far too long than desired, I was contemplating whether we would kill each other during retirement in the not so distant future.
As Joan and her husband come together to accept and appreciate and nuture each other over the course of a year, the same happened to me and my husband.
We want to leave a mark on the world, but the greater achievement is leaving a mark on each other.
Loved this book and will cherish it always.

[Callie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like books like these--musing, philosophical, personal, about identity and relationships.

I'm more interested in the one she wrote before this, which seems like it would be more substantive.
I have a feeling that since that one did so well, they asked her to write this one. It has the feel of a book that was written not because you had something to say, but that you're rooting around for substance.

[Jennifer Lenchik · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the follow up to the first book A Year by the Sea, which I absolutely loved. While this is a well written story it lacked the momentum observed in the first book. I found the numerous Joan Erickson quotes to be a little too many. They often were appropriately placed and accented the chapter well but just too many and this took away from my enjoyment of the story. Overall, a nice story and follow up. Quick read.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this follow-up memoir, Anderson is reunited with her recently retired husband, after living apart for a year. They begin to work together to determine what this new phase of their marriage will look like, and in so doing end up renovating their home to suite their needs. It was vital for Anderson to maintain the independence she had so enjoyed when living alone and this memoir points to both parties providing each other with the space they need to pursue their wants. It also shows them working together and becoming interdependent again, each taking certain roles in the home. It continues to explore her love for the Cape and the couple looks forward to experiencing life together as grandparents.

[Gotogrrl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed A Year by the Sea, the prequel to this memoir. In this book I found the pace slow, and the look into their marriage almost uncomfortably voyeuristic. I suppose that's the point - that salvaging a marriage is not easy, fun or lovely all the time - but it wasn't what I'd call an enjoyable or particularly insightful read, like the first book was.

[Pam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed that the book began by promising to dig into real marriage issues but ended with a happy happy ending and mostly got there by Joan stuffing her feelings and reminding herself to let her husband alone. By the end the man who didn’t talk was spouting cliches and hopefulness. I wanted answers!

[Sherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

It has been years since I read A Year by the Sea. When I saw this I knew I needed to read the rest of the story. A frighteningly, real, Tentative struggle for two people learning to find their way back to each other and maintain the new people they have become over the past 32 years.

[Sonja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now I need to read her earlier book about the year she "ran away" from her marriage to live alone. This book is about her and her husband coming back together and her learning how her year of self knowledge will help strengthen her relationship with her husband.

[Annburnett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed reading this second book about Joan Anderson and her life around Cape Cod. It was a follow up sequel to A Year by the Sea. It was about her finding herself and getting back to her marriage where she can be who she really is and not what others believe she is.

[Hillary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the book even though I thought the author was a little privileged for the life she was leading. It would be great to create a new life with your spouse by renovating your cape cod cottage and enjoying free time

[Heather Rhyne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent compelling read

This book is most thoughtfully and beautifully written. I found myself rereading sections and highlighting the life lessons I was learning. You know you have read a good book when you are sad that you have reached the end!