It’s still too early to call Amped by Daniel Wilson the stupidest, most badly written book I’ll read this year, but it’s the worse so far. It’s absolutely retarded. The plot is unrealistic and dumb, the writing is godawful, the characters are paper thin and entirely forgettable, the dialogue painful, the romance reeks of YA dipshittyness, and there are so many idiotic and drawn-out violent fight scenes that I wonder if Daniel Wilson is perhaps thirteen. The utter crappiness of this book amazes me because his first book, Robopocalypse, was really, really good. At least, I gave it a lot of stars and that’s how I remember it. Now I’m doubting myself because I find it difficult to believe the same author wrote this piece of trash. If I’m extra mean to this book, it’s because I was expecting awesomeness and was horribly disappointed.
The events in Amped take place in the not-so-distant future in which technology is so far advanced that implants inserted into the brain can not only cure illnesses such as epilepsy, but also make people much smarter. Owen Gray is a twenty-something teacher who has such an implant; it was inserted by his father, a doctor, to cure his epilepsy. People with this technology are called “amps.” Over the years, people without this enhanced technology, “reggies,” have been complaining that amps have unfair advantages and reggies cannot compete with them. Complaints by a grumbling few have been fanned and organized by a group called the Pure Human Citizen’s Council (PHCC). At first this was simply a religious organization that believed you don’t mess with God’s handiwork, but it grew to be a political movement. Joseph Vaughn, a senator from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is the president and founder of the PHCC. He’s actively creating hysteria and encouraging hatred and repression of the “amps” by calling them not human and a threat to humanity. When the government decides to seize all research by amp technology scientists, Owen visits his father, an amp scientist/doctor. His father tells him that (surprise) the technology in his head doesn’t just control his seizures, it’s something extra—stolen hardware that can give Owen incredible unknown powers. Just before being bombed into oblivion, Dad refuses to answer Owen’s questions, is deliberately mysterious (what an overplayed trope of these superhuman types of novels) and urges Owen to go to a trailer park in Eden, Oklahoma. That’s where he’ll find all the answers to his questions. (Seriously. A trailer park in Oklahoma. Giggle.) Owen stumbles off, confused and afraid. He eventually makes his way to Eden (gotta love the obvious symbolism of the name), meets other amps and the novel gets even way dumber.
I’m not going to bother hiding spoilers. Stop reading now if you don’t a) want to know anything else about the plot or b) don’t want to read my specific complaints about this book.
So, my first reaction to this book wasn’t even about how stupid it is (I was still in denial), it was about how familiar the crazy senator is. Who does he sound like? Oh, maybe an orange-hued megalomaniac loud-mouthed boastful asshole with visions of greatness named Donald Trump. Encouraging racism and hatred to further his political cause? Trump and Vaughn. Insisting that some people are more human (in Trump’s case, more American) than others? Yup. The similarities between Vaughn and Trump’s rhetoric is eerie. So I can go along with all the bad things that happen to amps in the book, even though I think they are far-fetched and happen too quickly. What strikes me as completely unrealistic is what happens at the end of the book. When Vaughn is exposed as a liar and the perpetrator of the violence against “reggies” (violence he blamed on renegade “amps” to ramp up the hatred and violence against them), the frothing mass of humanity, which two seconds before had been more or less calling for amp extermination, said, oh, our bad. Amps are great people! We love them! All the fear, anger, and hatred that Vaughn had whipped up over years immediately dissipated. No, I don’t think so. How often do fervent believers in something change their minds when shown the truth? Hardly fucking ever. No one wants to admit to being wrong, particularly fearful angry asshole racists. Whenever Trump fans (who are not all racists…probably just 99.9% of them) see yet another of Trump’s lies being exposed, they shrug, say, “You can’t trust the liberal media” and go along their merry racist way. You can’t reason with that kind of mindset. So do I think it’s believable that these amp haters would all of a sudden reverse their thinking just because Vaughn was exposed as the bad guy? Fuck no. They’d all shrug, say, “You can’t trust the liberal media,” and go along their merry Pure Human racist way.
The book’s plot is stupid. Supposedly this amp technology can be programmed to do lots of things—cure illnesses and/or make you smarter. The government also freely gives away this technology to poor people’s kids who have illnesses that can be cured by it, illnesses that also include being intellectually challenged. Let’s not quibble with the idea of the United States government just giving away this kind of technology even though today’s Congress shits itself at the idea of universal health care for anyone other than themselves. Let’s look at the obvious—if technology existed that could make you genius smart (as supposedly this does), then anyone who could afford it would have it done. Thus you would have a deep divide—not merely between the haves and have-nots, but between the wealthy possessors of this technology and the poor citizens who don’t. A superhuman race vs. pathetic normal “as God made us” humans. And if you don’t think that just about every politician in America would have one of these implants, you’re nuts. Of course they would. So, the premise of this novel is already bullshit. It would be a fight between the pathetic normal humans and the amped-up rich superhumans. C’mon, Wilson.
The technology itself is not realistically portrayed. Supposedly the “amps” are genius smart. That is, humans of normal intelligence who then get the implants are now super-smart. No, they’re not. They’re fucking stupid. A kid named Nick who Owen befriends at the trailer park is the sole evidence that amps are smarter. What does the kid do? Oh, he can solve a Rubik’s Cube superfast. Like, over and over again. Wow. Um…Wilson (I’m having a flashback of Tom Hanks screaming “Wilson!”) are you aware that there already are real-life people without amp technology who can do this? So, Nick isn’t impressive. He’s an annoying little fuckface of a character and I don’t like him. Not that any of these characters has any more charm or intelligence or personality than a puddle of dog piss, but Nick is extra annoying. These amps aren’t all that smart. They are harassed, bullied, stripped of their basic human rights and citizenship and beat up by everyone from religious fanatics to the Oklahoma rednecks who just enjoy violence for the sake of violence. I’m sorry, but if these amps were so fucking smart, this wouldn’t be happening. The super-genius amps would have banded together a long time ago and they’d be ruling the country (if not the world, mwah-ha-ha) by now. Some military personnel were given “military-grade” amps. These amps not only make them smarter, but also give them superhuman strength and reflexes. I love this in a super-sarcastic way. The military amps can choose what level of bad-assery they want, anything from level 1 (who’s got your nose?) to 5 (who just ripped off your fucking face?). But what’s so damn stupid about all these levels is that no matter how awesome they can make your brain, your body is still flesh and blood. There are physical limitations to speed and strength. So when Owen or his fearless leader Lyle Crosby is described doing that fucking awesome amp ninja shit they do, my response is to roll my eyes. Even if the amp is repressing the pain they feel, their bodies are still being affected. Suppressing pain isn’t necessarily a good thing—it’s pain that tells you, hey, something is seriously fucking wrong here. The only time this ninja shit is believable is when the character has physical body parts either replaced entirely or augmented by metal, which is the case for a few of them (and even then it’s dumb).
To go along with the superhero mythology/clichés, Owen, of course, has top secret special abilities. No one knows what he is capable of because, as Dad told him before being blown up, he stole the military hardware that he stuck in Owen’s brain. He doesn’t know what it does, only that it’s gonna be way cooler than all the other military amps (suck on that, Lyle ya freak). Owen’s amp goes to level 6 (say whaaat?) and like all reluctant heroes, Owen is all aww, shucks about it and doesn’t want to amp above level 3, even to save his own ass. But you know he’ll decide to use it right when the situation is at its most dire. Which, of course, he does.
If you suspect his decision to go to the ultimate badass level 6 has something to do with his gross pseudo-romance with the generic, barely female character Lucy, you’d be right. Lucy’s only function is to be the subject of Owen’s immature affections. She has no personality and absolutely no impact on the story, in essence she’s just tits and ass—the prize for the hero. When Owen pouts and says, you don’t really like me; Lyle gave you to me like a birthday present for spying on me, she defends herself by saying she does like him “Because you stood up for Nick in that field. You stood up for Eden. And none of it worked out and Eden is burned, but it doesn’t matter. You tried. You’re a good man. And because you’re sort of cute” (189). Let’s overlook the inane, teen-agery quality of the dialogue and focus on how Owen sees her: she’s an object, a “present,” to be given to him. Not only that, but for (supposedly) spying on Owen, she gets the honor of being Owen’s prize. Wouldn’t you think it’d be the other way around? But I guess that scene pretty much sums up the sexism and assholishness of this book and its characters.
The plot of this book is easily figured out and if you have half a brain, you’ll know who is doing what (even if you think it’s complete and utter nonsense) long before this piece of shit whimpers to a halt. The amp technology, as portrayed, is unrealistic. How everything falls apart is also unrealistic. It’s basically just a really dumb alternative version of the superhero story; instead of Krypton or spider venom or whatever else makes superheroes super, these humans are super due to technology they implanted in their own skulls. There are way too many scenes of fighting in this book and each scene is way too damn long. It’s not the violence of it that bothers me, it’s the utter stupidity and gratuitous quality of the scenes. I think Wilson wrote this book under the impression it would be turned immediately into a blockbuster action-packed Hollywood movie. It’s big on wham! and bam! but character development, intelligent plotlines and snappy dialogue are seriously lacking. This book is seriously a teenage boy’s wet dream—violence, an average geeky guy with superhuman powers and a girl whose role is limited to her body parts. I advise all sensible readers to avoid this book like the fucking plague.