Second-Chance Mother

by Denise Roessle

When Denise Roessle became a mother at 45, her long-held dream came true. She felt as if she were 19 again, the age at which she got pregnant out of wedlock and relinquished her newborn son for adoption. Suddenly, he was back — this stranger she had given birth to — and he wasn’t just searching for his roots. Joshua was looking for a mom. Eager to embrace the second chance she had been granted, Denise leapt wholeheartedly into the role. “It’s a BIG boy,” she announced to her family and friends, setting free her twenty-six-year secret. But Joshua was not a boy. He was a grown man, with a history that fell far short of what she had envisioned for him when she’d been assured he would be “better off” without her. His adoptive parents had essentially given up on him at age thirteen, sending him away with only an eighth-grade education. He drifted through a series of institutions and group homes, and ultimately onto the New York City streets, where he fell into drugs and crime. When an early marriage failed, he and his young wife surrendered an infant and toddler to adoption. By the time Denise and her son reunited, he was in his second marriage to a teenaged runaway who was six months pregnant with their first child. Despite her disappointment and his obvious problems, Denise was determined to restore their severed bond and give him the unconditional love that had been lacking in her own childhood.At the same time, she struggled with her parents’ adverse reaction to her reunion and their refusal to acknowledge their grandson’s existence. The shameful event that they had worked so vigorously to bury was back to haunt them. They could not accept their daughter’s happiness at having found her lost child.Still reeling in the overwhelming mix of joy and grief, gratitude and guilt triggered by reunion with her son, Denise received a letter from an aunt she never knew existed. Aunt Mabel revealed some startling information about Denise’s mother, who had claimed to be an only child raised by a kindly couple after both her parents passed away. In truth, she was one of nine siblings tossed to the winds by their mother after the death of their father in 1929. As she got to know her new-found aunts, uncles and cousins, Denise became obsessed with understanding how her grandmother could desert her children and how her mother, who so clearly bore the scars of abandonment, could then force her own daughter to give up a child.A year into their reunion, after Josh’s wife left him with their ten-month-old daughter, the rage that he had initially denied surfaced. Denise went from feeling like a new mom to the frustrated parent of an out-of-control teenager. In the face of his angry outbursts and threats to cut her off, she remained intent on “fixing” him, believing that, in time, she could heal his wounds. Once more, she put her own pain aside and stood by him as he married twice more and fathered another child.Only when Josh and Denise reached an impasse in year five, did she recognize how emotionally shutdown she had been since relinquishing her son — and how she had let her fear of losing him again hold her hostage. In the silence of their estrangement, she began the hard work that ultimately allowed her to resolve her own issues, reclaim the young woman she had left behind after surrendering what turned out to be her only child, and make peace with the past. She found acceptance and forgiveness for her mother, her son, and ultimately herself.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Adoption, Biography Memoir

268 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 16, 2011

About the author

When Denise Roessle became pregnant out of wedlock in 1969, she inadvertently joined the ranks of the million-plus young women who fell prey to the Baby Scoop Era — a time when relinquishing their newborns for adoption was the socially-accepted solution to erasing their sins and filling an increasing demand for adoptable infants.

She was told to move on with her life, assured that she would forget and have other children she could keep. She finished college, married, and became a professional copywriter and graphic designer. But she never had more children. And she did not forget.

After reuniting with her grown son in 1996, Denise began writing on this more personal topic. Her articles have appeared in national adoption magazines and newsletters, and she continues to be active in the post-adoption, adoption reform, and birthmother support arenas.

Reviews

[JoAnn Bassett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing true story of love, loss and second chances. Those of us born at a certain time in history will identify with the coercion Denise faced to give up her baby son when she was nineteen years old and unmarried. She mourned that decision and, in her forties, registered with an adoption search group to find her lost son. What she learned upon finding him was every birth mother's worst fear... Written with raw emotion and unimaginable honesty, Denise Roessle's first-hand account of what it's like to become acquainted with the child you never knew is riveting.

[Sharon Lippincott · Rating 5 out of 5]

My eyes were filling and my throat choked up by the second page of Denise Roesle’s memoir, Second-Chance Mother. I hung on every word of this extraordinary account of the experience of a birth mother as she reunites with her son 27 years after relinquishing him for adoption. Nothing about their developing relationship was simple. Referring to her emotional state before the call that opened a portal into another level of existence she says, “I might as well have been dead.” She builds on that base as she interweaves accounts of coming to understand and reconcile with her own mother and her struggle to understand and accept a son who was less than a dream-come-true.

While this volume is generally touted as a mother’s reunion experience with a child, it is at least equally as much the story of coming to terms with her own mother’s emotional distance and how that has affected her. In a very real sense it is a coming of age memoir as Roesle belatedly learns to recognize and work with emotions she has frozen out since before her child was born and she reunites with feelings and emotions locked deeply within her since before the birth of her son. She recounts her journey of self-discovery and transformation simply in freshly candid terms that build bridges straight from her heart to the reader’s.

The story has value far beyond the adoption community. The issues of physical and emotional abandonment Roesle wrestles with will be thought-provoking for any readers who have longed for deeper, more supportive relationships from parents and others. Her experience working through the tendency to avoid confrontation, live a chameleon-like existence and generally focus on pleasing others at personal expense can provide both inspiration and roadmap for anyone in similar situations.

I applaud her frankness and thank her for her willingness to lay her soul bare to give hope to others who may follow in her path.


This review was originally published at StoryCircleBookReviews

[kathy hakeem · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dysfunctional family remains dysfunctional

I was hoping to read how a dysfunctional family grew over time but instead read and read and read as almost all members continued to act the same and blame all their problems on everyone else. They say that the true sign of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. Towards the end some people did appear to change or it appeared to me that they convinced themselves they had. Would I read again? No. Would I have read it the first time if I had known how it would end? I doubt it. But never having had any children or having belonged to a functional family, maybe I'm being too harsh.

[Alison Johnson · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had a pretty high rating but was far from one of my favorites. An unwed mother gave her infant son up for adotion in the 1960's and they were reunited when he was 26. A story of sadness, guilt and anger. Two strangers coming together can really cause havoc to both them and the people around them. If a person considering placing a baby up for adoption read this book beforehand, I'm not sure that they could go through with it. What I was expecting to be a beautiful, heart-warming story was ugly and heart-breaking.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book to read if you are interested in learning about reuniting with a birthparent or birthchild. It is a stark reminder that reuniting may or may not be worth it. All the years of dreaming might not measure up to reality. It is only one person's perspective and there are many perspectives out there. It was an interesting process, this author's later years in life. I am glad I read this book... This sounds like a 4th grade book report...

[Debra · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was difficult to sympathize with this woman or the son she gave up for adoption 26 years earlier, but she was raised in an incredibly dysfunctional family, and the son was adopted by an equally dysfunctional family. Their expectations for their reunion 26 years later were terribly unrealistic and fraught with difficulties. But it was an interesting and different perspective on adoption. This is a memoir, not fiction.

[Joy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the memoir of a mother who was forced to give up her child when she got pregnant as a teen but reconnects with her grown son.

It's really kind of heart wrenching because the son is kind of a jerk and her parents are as well but in connecting with her son, she also connects with other members of her family that she never knew. It's well written and easy to read without becoming overbearing.

[Karla Renee Goforth Abreu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I gave this four stars because this memoir is brutally honest about her feelings. She details her highs and lows and the reactions, whether considered right or wrong. Though at times, the feelings that are evoked from the reader can be anger, the book is a heart wrenching read concerning birth mothers' feelings of loss, recovery and disillusionment.

[Monica Hawk · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the author's transparency in her process of feelings. The flashbacks, memories, and lack of grammatical structure added to the reader's ability to connect with the author. Overall, it was a well- written, honest story of a difficult situation.

[Sue · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although the book was interesting, I found it boring in parts and hard to continue. I understand and appreciate the author sharing her experiences of being a birth mother, I just think she could have shortened up just a bit.

[Nancy Robson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A true story about what happens when a birth mother reunites with the son she gave up for adoption 26 years before. Sometimes it's not at all like those Lifetime movies. It was well-written and hard to put down.

[Claudia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amazing story of loss, found, loss. Cannot imagine how difficult it is for someone to give a child away, and once found again, in many respects, lose the child again. Heart-rending and touching, I admire Ms Roessle's openness about her experience.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is very moving. I was struck by the author's honesty and candor.

I would like to know more about Joshua's upbringing and his adoptive parents, but these issues are not really part of the story that Roessle set out to write.

[Evelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart wrenching story of a pregnant young girl who was sequestered so as not to embarrass her family and then her baby given for adoption. Twenty-six years later, they find each other but discover the road to a good relationship was more difficult than either had imagined.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, a little tense.

Definitely not your fairytale, but a very good read. It's a point of view and story of an adoption that you don't hear about much. It's worth the read, and always intriguing when you read about a time in which unwed young mothers were sent away.

[mary allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adoption from the other side

This was a well written and honest look from the side of adoption we don't hear as much about. I commend this mother for her courage the share their atory.

[Estela · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a wonderful book about the trials both of mother who gives up a child to adoption and the child. It envoked many different emotions throughout the reading.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Heart-wrenching story. Glad I read it. It could use some editing, however. Sometimes hard to tell the dialogue and passages from letters, etc. from the narrative.

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

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[Bev O'Neal · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me think about all the babies that are not wanted.

[Lyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book about a Mom and son who find each other after an adoption 26 years earlier.

[Alison]

kindle memoir

[Mary Lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I would have given it a five star rating but it was such a painful book it is hard to think of it has amazing.

[Carrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was just alright for me. I found that I couldn't really connect with the character.

[Cindi Dimichele · Rating 3 out of 5]

A depressing read, but perhaps should be read by birth parents considering a search.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Passionate, emotional, heart-rending, and very well written. Could not put it down.
From Denise's heart with no filter - pure and real.

[Wilhelmina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoir. Very well written. A heart-wrenching tale of lives in turmoil.

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very honest. I can imagine how hard it was to write something so personal. Thank you for writing such an honest book.

[Traceylee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why

it is a good story about a relationship reconnect but it goes, to show you no matter what there will be problems in a relationship

[Renz · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was an excellent read and deals with loss of a child in a personal way