Perfect Chaos: A Daughter's Journey to Survive Bipolar, a Mother's Struggle to Save Her

by Linea Johnson, Cinda Johnson

A dual memoir of a mother's and daughter's triumph over mental illness

The Johnsons—mother, father, and two daughters—were a loving, and close Seattle family. Then the younger daughter Linea started experiencing crippling bouts of suicidal depression. Multiple trips to the psych ward resulted in a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and it took many trial runs of drugs and ultimately electroshock therapy to bring Linea back. But her family never gave up on her. And Linea never stopped trying to find her way back to them.
Perfect Chaos is the story of a mother's and daughter’s journey through mental illness towards hope. From initial worrying symptoms to long sleepless nights to cross country flights and the slow understanding and rebuilding of trust, Perfect Chaos tells Linea's and Cinda’s harrowing and inspiring story, of an illness that they conquer together every day.  It is the story of a daughter’s courage, a mother’s faith, and the love that carried them through the darkest times.

Genres: Memoir, Mental Health, Psychology, Mental Illness, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir

336 pages, Hardcover

First published May 8, 2012

Reviews

[Karen Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Currently reading... I want to pause to write down my thoughts. It's breaking my heart, it's hitting very very very close to my heart. I totally identify with the mother in the book, I am slowly understanding what my daughter is going through now. Severe/chronic mental illnesses are crippling and I would NEVER wish that on ANYONE. Right now my daughter is spending her time at a psychiatric center, slowly meandering her way... I realize that I have to prepare myself for relapses (only because she's young, not even in high school yet.)

I am more convinced about ECT... I will keep it as one of the options (she was offered ECT option and she out-rightly rejected it.) Hm. Okay thanks for hearing me out...

Now, I am done with this book. It's really good. A reminder is that bipolar disorder is NOT cured... you live with it for life, so essential that people with this disorder get coping skills, be able to recognize the cycles, etc. The bottom line is that they have LIFE, even with this disorder.

[Jill Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title really does say it all. The chaos at hand is the madness (quite literally) of bipolar disorder.

I have read more than my fair share of memoirs about mental illness and/or mental health. I find people’s struggles with their own brains/heads to be fascinating reading. Not in a voyeuristic, Schadenfreude-filled way (I don’t think), but from a place of deepest empathy – because I can’t imagine anything scarier in this world than getting lost inside your own mind.

I’ve been pretty lucky in my life – I’m the first person to admit that. Even with that luck, I have had one full-blown and one partial (for me) panic attack in my day – and they freaked the ever-loving life out of me. The walls shrank, I couldn’t breathe, everything got over-bright and too loud and too much. They were short episodes and for the first, more severe, one, I had one of my two best friends there to quite literally hold my hand and tell me I was alright and that things would be okay. She also paid the check – we were out to dinner at the time that it hit – and walked me through the streets of Chicago in the dark until I could breathe regularly and stand the thought of being indoors again. Thank you again Lynna!! The other, partial freak-out occurred when I was by myself in my apartment; fortunately I was able to maintain just enough presence of mind to identify what was happening and talk myself down from the proverbial ledge.

These events look so simple and small written down; I assure you they felt huge and overwhelming and defeating when they happened. But I know that they were not even a mote in the eye of a giant compared to the feelings of stress, anxiety, panic, fear, depression, mania and wrong-ness that people who suffer from mental illness have to deal with on a regular basis. I don’t know if I read survivor stories to educate myself enough so that if, god forbid, The Panic strikes again I can somehow deal with it until it subsides or if I read them to remind myself that I am lucky. Either way, the stories are unfailingly moving – and the strength of the survivors and their loved ones are unflinchingly impressive.

perfect chaos is told in two voices. Linea has bipolar; Cinda is her mother. Reading about Linea’s battles with unidentifiable and inexplicable bouts of depression and feelings of pointlessness, about her struggle for diagnosis and treatment is heart-wrenching. Reading about Cinda watching Linea spiral out of control and then picking her up and carrying her (metaphorically and physically) when she literally couldn’t find the strength or the will to live is almost more so.

The story is presented chronologically, detailing the slide Linea’s health takes as she transitions from childhood to adolescence and then early adulthood, when the most severe symptoms presented themselves. Eventually, she devolves from a bright, talented young woman with the world at her feet into a puddle of a girl who cannot bring herself to care if she lives or dies, a girl who tries to find meaning in lines of coke, beer, and razor blades. At that point, her parents literally step in and save her life.

After an in-patient stint in a psychiatric facility that includes electroshock therapy, Linea’s tries to regain control as her physicians and her family try to figure out a plan for treatment and “recovery” – not only from the drugs and drinking and self-mutilation, but from the disease that has laid waste to her plans for her own life. The disease is always there and always a threat; she has to manage it as best she can with therapeutic treatments, but remain ever-vigilant for the signs of an oncoming episode and make herself ask for help when she needs it. It’s a difficult road for a young woman of twenty to put herself on, but Linea tries her best – and Cinda is always there, right beside her, no matter how rough the relapses get, no matter how scared her daughter’s mania and depression make her.

Mother and daughter have very different voices, but their stories are presented in equally clear, concise, and incredibly open language that conveys the manic (no pun intended) cycles of episodes and treatment that comprise Linea’s life. The book required a lot of energy to read; bipolar is emotional and infuriating and dramatic and perplexing and draining – and that’s just when you read about it. I can’t imagine the strength of character it takes to talk so openly and honestly about the most difficult times in one’s life. Or to be the friend or family member confronted with the onslaught of an episode – or its aftermath. Kudos to both women for their unflinching look at bipolar and its treatments, and for doing what they can to raise awareness and understanding.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the memoir of a 20 year old who battles bipolar disorder, and it was told through the alternating lens of her as the daughter and patient and through her mother. It exposes several features about bipolar disorders and all mental health disorders: how difficult it is to diagnose and treat, the deep desire for the pain to stop, the pitfalls of mental health care, the deep importance of support from family and friends. It truly takes a village to love and care for someone stricken with this unfair disease and their caregivers. It exposes the deep effort and pain of a mother who researches, finds the best care and treatment that she can, but still suffers crises and setbacks and the deep fear of losing her daughter. Our world still struggles to fully grasp and understand the diagnostic process and challenges in treating mental illnesses, and this one story is only a small lens into this. She was fortunate that her parents had the resources to find help and treat her, and she had a strong support system of family and friends who stood by her side through her year-long crisis and hospitalizations. Many families do not have this access and/or support system. In today’s world, many will spend time with a loved one and their family when stricken with a physical condition, but people rarely show up when a family is in crisis with a mental health condition that is very often as painful as a broken bone or heart surgery, and for a patient who is literally on life support. It’s brave for this mother-daughter duo to share their story in the hopes of educating people that a mental health diagnosis and debilitating illness can happen to anyone, at any age, in any family, and in any socioeconomic background. If you know or love anyone who suffers from a mental illness, the best things you can say to them are: I see you. I believe you. I am here with you. You are safe. Read about their diagnosis and learn how to love and care for them and their caregivers. If you can’t do these things, then at least don’t harm them with judgement, disbelief, or isolation…the added pain of being alone can deepen the suffering and pain and prolong the agony and lack of healing. May this story touch the life of even one person and/or a caregiver to know that they are not alone and that their stories and lives matter.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible and harrowing book. It's written by a college-age woman with interspersed sections from her mother. The author has a major psychotic break her first year in college in Chicago, and her parents in Seattle are frantically calling her, flying over to be with her, and staying in her hospital room when she is panicked enough to need psychiatric hospitalization. The author has bipolar disorder, and neither she nor her family have ever heard of it, much less encountered it. The author is brilliant academically and highly talented on classical piano, which she wants to major in in college.

As high school comes to an end, she pushes herself to be excellent in piano and her academic subjects but pushes herself too hard and ends up with symptoms of being overly high-strung and played out by all her commitments.

When she goes to college, she has a full psychotic break with a manic episode. She can't stop pacing her room, she cries uncontrollably, she starts cutting herself, because that's the only way she feels any relief from the stress that feels pushing out of her body from inside. She starts drinking and doing drugs and waking up in different dorm rooms or houses for a couple months. The only thing she thinks can numb her intolerably awful feelings is alcohol, followed by lines of cocaine. All the while she's lying to her parents on the phone, telling them how focused and sober she is. The episode goes on until she finds herself unable to leave her dorm room and go to classes, finally becoming so panicky, crying, and screaming until her roommate and boyfriend have to haul her off to the hospital.

Meanwhile, her mother, who is a college professor in Seattle teaching courses on how to manage youth with mental disorders (the irony is terrible), calls all over the place until she finds a doctor in Chicago that will accept her insurance. The author is able to get in, and her mother flies down from Seattle to be with her. The author has minor breakthroughs when she can be happy for a few days, and then the manic behavior starts again. And continues. And continues. Her roommate starts making herself scarce because she gets exhausted by being the perpetual "babysitter," in the author's words. Her boyfriend is distraught, but faithfully monitors her erratic behavior and reports by phone to her parents, who are worried sick. The parents take turns flying to Chicago, and sometimes going together, because the problem is so intractable. The doctor refers her to a psychologist, who refers her to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses her with bipolar II. She is prescribed medication, which she often won't take, and her symptoms flare up even more wildly.

Finally, she guesses that suicide is the only thing that will release her from her continuous misery. Once she overdoses on one kind of pills, and she has to be taken to the psychiatrist again. The psychiatrist, psychologist, and parents form a triangle of concern to manage her outbursts so she doesn't kill herself.

The book is hard to read because she resists hospitalization in the psychiatric wing of a hospital, and her writing at this time lets fly a stream of f-words and whatever baroque obscenities she can think up at the moment. Finally, she drops out of college her freshman year and comes back to Seattle, where she again goes crazy because she feels like a failure.

On the other hand, the book is gripping and pretty impossible to put down.

For readers interested in abnormal psychology, here are two very similar experiences of mental overstrain. The first is What Makes Maddy Run? https://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/..., in which a perfectionist long-distance runner throws herself from the top of the Penn parking ramp her freshman year. Up to the moment she jumps, she is increasingly flogging herself with how imperfect she is, similar to the author of Perfect Chaos.

Another situation that is written about in, I believe, Zelda, (c. 1970) written by Nancy Milford tells the story of Zelda Fitzgerald, who had a critical mental breakdown at about the age of 30. She was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, whereas she likely had bipolar disorder (but this was around 1930, when that term hadn't even been invented). The part that resonates with this book is when Zelda thinks she has to become a professional ballerina, and on her way to practice with Madame Egorova, she and Scott get stuck in traffic, and she jumps out and runs the rest of the way to the studio, which is a few blocks away. Anyway, the buildup of obsessive perfectionist behavior is similar to what happens in this book. Zelda had a breakdown shortly after this incident and was hospitalized or institutionalized until she burned to death in the asylum she was living in when it caught on fire.

These similarities may be just something I made up, but they seem to be very similar and perhaps a characteristic of psychotic breaks.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was well-written but very difficult to read if you're looking for a reason for hope. It's 90% disaster after disaster. The glimmer of hope offered in the end is that Linea is still alive, and finally learned how to live independently and safely.

[Ren · Rating 3 out of 5]

**Trigger warning: attempt suicide, self harm, eating disorders, anxiety**

About two years ago I had the worst experience so far in my dealings with both depression and anxiety. No amount of time was going to prepare me to read Beautiful Chaos, it is the most triggering novel I have ever read, though I suppose this is to be expected. Beautiful Chaos is a memoir following a mother and daughter as they adapt to living with bipolar disorder. The novel is told through alternating perspectives. We have the extremely ambitious Linea, her parts of the novel are told through diary entries she wrote during the lead up to her diagnosis, up until her illness reaches a more manageable state. The other perspective follows Linea's mother, Cinda, as Cinda comes to terms with her daughter's illness and does her best to help her find treatment. Neither mother, nor daughter has a particular knack for writing, and while Linea's perspective was far more interesting, her harmful thoughts made her part difficult to read. Cinda's perspective tends to get very repetitive and she writes as if she is afraid of judgment for the decisions she made for Linea while Linea was still very unstable. Ultimately, Cinda and Linea had the goal to help break the stigma towards mental health and one of the book's highlights was how the attitudes toward mental health of those affected changes for the better.

I would recommend this to anyone who's life has not been touched by mental illness, it offers important insight into the challenges those dealing with mental illness face.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heart-breaking but powerful and beautiful. Brings education about mental illness and how it affects family & friends, and how difficult & expensive it can be to get care. Hearing about the disease from the young patient herself helps you understand that she can’t “fix” her mind or just decide to get better…it’s a continuous battle with intervals of highs and lows

[June Gothberg (Dr. G) · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you ever get to hear the pair speak they are so informative and insightful!

[Jael · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I suddenly understand the true meaning of the word "situational." I know that I will no longer judge the "bum" on the street. It is not any more his fault that he hears voices than my fault for seeking pain. These people are true. This is them. This not an act. And it can happen to anyone." Pg 197

We've all done it, myself included. The "crazy" person on the street is talking to themselves or they're doing something weird. We look at the "crazy" person on the street with disdain. We wish they would go the other way or just get out of our way. You hope that they don't do anything dangerous. Sometimes it's hard to look at the "crazy" person as just a person. After reading Perfect Chaos by Linea and Cinda Johnson, perhaps I can look at them differently.

Read the rest of my review at: http://www.asiturnthepages.blogspot.c...

[Mollie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was okay. I liked the story that the mother told from her point of view, but there were some decisions that her daughter made that really frustrated me. The daughter was good about describing events that happened, but not about what it was actually like or felt like to have the illness.

[Karen Letourneau · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book if you can get past their "Why me? Why her? Why us?" syndrome. Mental Illness is another of the great levelers, so the appropriate questions really are, " Why not me? Why not her? Why not us?"

[Barb Slatin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking. Inspiring. Eye opening. As a friend, a sister and a teacher it taught me so much about what I've never been able to fully understand. Thank you ladies for sharing your brave story.

[noelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have bipolar and this was not my first memoir by someone with the disorder. Linea's story was the one that was most relatable to my own, though. However, that wasn't what made this book so powerful for me. It was reading the parts from her mother's POV, and knowing my parents walked that same frightening path with their young daughter so many years ago. There were moments like this that gutted me, realizing my parents must have had similar calls:

I paged Curt and our conversation was almost shorthand. We had never discussed this moment, but I think we were both prepared in some way for this call.

I said, “We have to get Linea. She is with Charlie, he is keeping her safe.”

“I’m already at the airport. I’ll go right now.”

Like Linea's parents, they visited daily during that first frightening pysch ward stay, bringing me books and things to help keep my mind busy. During some of the subsequent stays I was across the country and their hands were tied. I can only imagine how hard that was. I read about their family sitting in the ER 7 hours and recalled a more recent stay when I determined I wasn't safe anymore and needed to go inpatient. My mom sat in the ER in a hard chair a similar amount of time while we waited for them to find me a bed somewhere. I was 32 at the time and no longer feared the psych ward but she stayed with me the whole time anyway. I'll never forget the fear on her face, however, when despite how bad I'd already told her it was - she realized it was even worse when I had to ask her to leave the room to tell the doctor everything.

I appreciated the effort this book made to humanize the mentally ill as a whole. Linea and her parents learned the same lesson during her first psych visit that my parents and I learned: the other patients are just people, sick people, but still people. Many of them are nice, even if odd. It's an unfortunate fact that there are usually several who are homeless and have no where to go when they get out.

I suddenly understand the true meaning of the word “situational.” I know that I will no longer judge the “bum” on the street. It is not any more his fault that he hears voices than my fault for seeking pain. These people are true. This is them. This is not an act. And it can happen to anyone.

Overall, I really loved this book and appreciated the unique format giving both Linea & her mother's POVs, showing how the whole family is affected. I recommend it for anyone looking for a better understanding of bipolar or mental illness in general.

[K. Isaure · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is important to be honest with yourself and your life. It is important to share your truth so that we can all learn from one another.- Linea Johnson

When all else is in turn oil honesty is the key that will bring you back to life with your parents. Friends are important and from my personal experience dealing with my own mental illness and the mental illness of my younger brother both of us found friends that supported us through our darkest days and greatest achievements. Even though my brother has gone I always remembered that he fought hard to survive his own demons. He too had bipolar disorder and self-medicated with what he chose. If I remembered anything from the life of my younger brother it was that honesty and unflinching support and not judging and forgiving really helped him and I became his rock during the last few months of his life. To sick siblings supporting each other in the last few months of me in school and him dealing with his bipolar issues. I smile in my heart and live with joy knowing that I did the best I could for my younger brother and that me being schizophrenic as he was bipolar is not a shame. Speak up me speak out about your illness.

It is not a shame.

[Jeni Bushman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a dual-perspective book by a mother and daughter. The daughter's passages are sourced from old journals, so they are mostly written in a stream-of-consciousness style that can be hard to follow. Much more "telling" than "showing." Comparatively, the mother's contributions were much more reflective and introspective and added a lot of context that was missing from Linea's entries.

I do not have experience with bipolar, so I struggled to relate to Linea and sympathize with the way she centered herself and her feelings in all of her relationships. However, I appreciate her work as a mental health advocate and her openness in sharing such a vulnerable part of her life.

I cannot rate Linea's experience because I didn't live it; I can only rate the book she produced. Overall, the pacing was slow and there was lots of repetition (which I understand is a direct reflection of the mental patterns experienced by those with bipolar. It's accurate, just not engaging to read). The final 6 - 7 pages were the strongest of the entire book IMO.

[Daniella · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel I need to add a healthy dose of reality to all these 4 & 5 star reviews. Perhaps it's because I live with bipolar and many of these reviews are from outsiders looking in. a lot of people are probably afraid to give bad reviews to something that chronicles such a personal tragedy, but not me.
As a book, It's just not very well written. I skipped the mother's part altogether, because if I heard her say "as a professor..." one more time I was going to scream. Yes, we understand that you and your husband have great careers that "help people", but we also understand that bipolar doesn't consider socioeconomic status when it chooses its victims, so just stop.
Other than that, it was just, boring. Maybe it's because I've lived this existence that it doesn't entertain me. I really wish they would have taken the time to make this more of a research based book to provide actual insight and education. Or found a better editor before they sent this drivel out to the masses.

[Yuko Shoji Cary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me to understand the emotional stress that my daugher is facing now.

Tank you for sharing your difficut very personal experiences. Your book is the first book that I picked up during my desparation dealing with my daughter who was receny diagnosed with bipolar II. Mental illness is so difficult to treat. Life long maintenaance of condition Just like any other physical cronic illness but society's stigma and limited available help is even make it togher. Can I be patient and strong like Linea's parent? I am very overwhelmed but I am prepared work along with my daughter. Looking forward to f/u with Linea's progress and her strength to empower peaple like myself.

[Christine Fay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, Linea was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder when she was 19 and attending school in Chicago. She came dangerously close to killing herself, and all the while she kept journaling, as did her mother, and so they combined their journals to create this book to try to be open about the illness and try to destigmatize it by sharing their stories about their perilous journey through the mental health system. A somewhat recommended read if you want to know more about the extremes for bipolar disorder, although I found Linea’s excessive drinking and drug use references unfortunate, and irresponsible. I personally did not find them to be excessively likable on their youtube videos. There’s just something that doesn’t jive with me about them.

[L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a heartbreaking, heartwarming, and wonderful book. It didn't sugar coat this horrible disease that so many struggle with daily. It was very well-written and I highly recommend it. Maybe it could offer some hope to those struggling and knowledge to those who are blind to the subject. I am so glad that Linea is still alive today and has the amazing support of family that she does. Sadly many don't have that support, or if they do they don't have the finances or insurance to get the help they need.

[JD Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful and incredibly moving story

An incredibly moving story of a family as they come to terms with the discovery and acceptance of a child who has a mental illness.

The thoughts and experiences of a person living through depression, suicidal thoughts and mania are descriptive and well written. I think even a person who has not experienced any form of mental illness would be moved and would begin to understand the level of suffering and pain that is endured in those times.

[Daria Joaquin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting book. The authors are telling a story, a true story, but they are not amazing storytellers. Despite that, the book held my attention as it offered insights into the almost overwhelming struggles of a bipolar survivor and her family. The book left many unanswered questions, for instance I would have liked to learn more about the role psychotherapy played in the daughters treatments. In the end I appreciated their willingness to share their story with the world, a brave decision, and respected the limits they set on just how much of themselves they were willing to reveal.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had Cinda Johnson as a professor in graduate school and heard a little bit about her daughter's story and that they had written a book together, so this book has been on my list for a long time before I finally read it. It is an extraordinary story, particularly in the way that it is written, alternating between Linea's (the daughter) and Cinda's (the mother) perspectives as Linea experiences learning she has bipolar as she goes through a series of episodes. It is definitely a difficult book to read because of the reality portrayed, but I think it's important and worthwhile.

[Suzie Mullins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be forthcoming in Linda’s struggle with bipolar disorder. Parts of it were hard to read because I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2. I have lived through hospitalizations and suicide attempts though Linea’s struggles were a bit tougher than mine. I recommend this very honest book about what it is like to struggle with BD2 both for the mentally ill person and those who love them!

[Shon Allbritten · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took a lot of emotional energy to read. There were times where I could only read a chapter a day. Even though I wanted to know the outcome of an event, I had to pause for a cognitive/emotional break. This book is fundamental to understanding an individual’s struggle with mental illness and suicidal ideations. I highly recommend this book.

[Jenn G · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I was not in the right mind set to read this book. It was very emotional and I was feeling too angry or sad at some moments so I didn't want to read a lot of it. It's an important story to tell and one of the best non fiction I read about bipolar.

[Emily Lucas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this in almost one sitting, it was captivating. My own mental health struggles mean I am drawn to books like this, it's sick really. But this was amazingly written, gut wrenchingly honest but ultimately inspiring!! Linea and her mom should be so proud x

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! It is eye opening and honest about struggling with a mental illness. I am so glad they decided to share their story as we need to be open and understanding about mental illness. It is interesting to see from both the daughter and mothers perspective.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The journaled tale of a bipolar struggle from both diagnosed and family was insightful and educational. The unanticipated battle with mental illness is a story many share - and this book reminds you that you are not alone.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! Thank you for sharing your honest journey of life with bipolar and mental health illnesses. This book has helped me so much. Anyone who has a loved one who has mental health challenges should read this.

[Kadyn Aupied · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personally, I really like this book I have reread it several times. Something about learning about mental illnesses and how to deal with them really interests me. It also teaches people that there's more to a person then what you see.