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Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships
How do you know you’re ready to trust again … and what does it take to be ready? Painful relationships violate our trust, causing us to close our hearts. But to experience the freedom and love God designed us for, we eventually have to take another risk. In this breakthrough book, bestselling author Dr. John Townsend takes you beyond the pain of the past to discover how to re-enter a life of intimate relationships. Whether you’re trying to restore a current relationship or begin a new one, Townsend gives practical tools for establishing trust and finding the intimacy you long for. Beyond Boundaries will help you reinstate closeness with someone who broke your trust; discern when true change has occurred; reestablish appropriate connections in strained relationships; create a safe environment that helps you trust; and restore former relationships to a healthy dynamic. You can move past relational pain to trust again. Beyond Boundaries will show you how.
272 pages, Paperback
First published September 25, 2011
392 people are currently reading
2148 people want to read
About the author
John Townsend
472 books257 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 109 reviews
April 1, 2014
This latest volume in the Boundaries series is aimed at people who have serious trust issues after weathering difficult relationships. *raises hand* Townsend shares solid, practical tips for figuring out when you're ready to trust someone again, whether the other person is on the same page and worthy of your trust, when a relationship can be saved and when to cut your losses. His advice is applicable to all relationships, not only romantic ones (which he reiterates throughout the book). Beyond Boundaries is written from a Christian perspective that's rooted in reality. Rather than advocating submission, being a servant, forgetting yourself, etc., it emphasizes the importance of individual health and growth and the fact that God made us with relational needs. Needs, not options. Then it encourages you to find constructive ways to get those needs met. This book really encouraged me, and I expect to revisit it in the future. I wish I'd had it five years ago.
August 18, 2015
I am taking my time with this book. I want to be sure to be as healed as I can be by the time I am done. This book has opened my eyes to so many things I never ever thought of in my life that were factors of my pain. I have been in therapy for many years and this has just been a tool in aiding that process along. I suffer from many traumas. Such as PTSD from date rape, abandondment, fatal car accident, prescription drug abuse, sex addiction, ADHD and so much more. But this book is helping me help myself. Which is what I like to do. I trust God, But I still don't trust man. So, a book like this is refreshing, for a lack of a better word. I just have to be careful where I am reading it because sometimes out in public, it will get to a chapter that will touch on a subject that will have me in tears in the dentist office. Not cool. lol.
November 7, 2020
I enjoyed this more than the original Boundaries book and found it highly applicable and helpful.
September 12, 2023
Would give 6 stars if I could! So much gold in every chapter about how to navigate rebuilding trust in relationships and how to communicate in vulnerability. Personally, it encouraged me to look back at how previous experiences/relationships/wounds still affect my default responses till today. Would recommend as well for people looking to grow in empathy and healthier communication.
May 15, 2018
Townsend’s and Cloud’s impactful Boundaries was not well received by yours truly. Reading it in my last year of high school it seemed to be disconnected from the selfless, poured-out life of Christ. I didn’t want anything to do with a boundaried life.
That didn’t go so poorly for me through college and early in marriage. But when we jumped into ministry after seminary, cracks began to form and then it all came crashing down. It took several years, a lot of counseling, introspection, and rebuilding to realize the wisdom in Cloud and Townsend’s best seller. If only I would’ve heeded their wisdom when I read Boundaries the first time.
Needless to say, I approached Townsend’s Beyond Boundaries with a humbler, more receptive attitude. And Townsend’s sequel delivers. It’s readable, practical, and much more biblically grounded than I expected.
Townsend writes the sequel because he wants his reader to not just be able to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships, but to be able to engage in healthy, committed relationships. The reality is that those who have been hurt in relationships have a difficult time risking new relationships. Townsend says, ““And people who have trust issues typically prefer to find some way to disqualify a new relationship rather than to risk damage by making a poor judgment call. Better safe than sorry.”
But safety is not the way to flourish. Healthy relationships involve intimacy, connection, and “a dedication of one’s self to the betterment of the other.” So, how do you move back into those healthy relationships after you have been hurt?
Townsend urges his reader to “normalize truthfulness” and to expel shame. Townsend warns, “ Love can’t rule when shame is in charge.” The way to this place is to be honest with others about who you are and clear about what you expect. Townsend offers, “The more clear and honest you are with others about who you really are, the more ready you will be to move beyond boundaries and into the intimate connections you seek.”
It’s counterintuitive that establishing boundaries allows transparency and real connection, but it is true. The danger for the individual who has been deeply wounded is that he or she will set the walls so high that they can’t re-engage in relationship or will drop the walls so low in an effort to fill the relational need they have. Townsend urges the wounded reader to risk relationship, but to operate out of a place of health and worth. Choose substance and character, Townsend encourages. Everything else is relational window dressing.
It is these relationships that help us live the life God has called us to. As Hebrews 3 says, “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” We need relationships to be the whole and healthy selves that seek God and his Kingdom.
There are some minor critiques I have including Townsend’s weak exegesis that pops up a couple times. For instance, he uses Proverbs 4:23 to talk about protecting our hearts from others: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” While there is wisdom in what Townsend says, that is not what Proverbs 4:23 is referring to. Rather, it is referring to the overflow of the desires of our own hearts and the danger therein.
Those minor issues aside, Townsend’s book is well worth reading and is perfectly suited for a broad audience. I know I will be suggesting it to those who are struggling to build healthy relationships after hurt in the future.
That didn’t go so poorly for me through college and early in marriage. But when we jumped into ministry after seminary, cracks began to form and then it all came crashing down. It took several years, a lot of counseling, introspection, and rebuilding to realize the wisdom in Cloud and Townsend’s best seller. If only I would’ve heeded their wisdom when I read Boundaries the first time.
Needless to say, I approached Townsend’s Beyond Boundaries with a humbler, more receptive attitude. And Townsend’s sequel delivers. It’s readable, practical, and much more biblically grounded than I expected.
Townsend writes the sequel because he wants his reader to not just be able to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships, but to be able to engage in healthy, committed relationships. The reality is that those who have been hurt in relationships have a difficult time risking new relationships. Townsend says, ““And people who have trust issues typically prefer to find some way to disqualify a new relationship rather than to risk damage by making a poor judgment call. Better safe than sorry.”
But safety is not the way to flourish. Healthy relationships involve intimacy, connection, and “a dedication of one’s self to the betterment of the other.” So, how do you move back into those healthy relationships after you have been hurt?
Townsend urges his reader to “normalize truthfulness” and to expel shame. Townsend warns, “ Love can’t rule when shame is in charge.” The way to this place is to be honest with others about who you are and clear about what you expect. Townsend offers, “The more clear and honest you are with others about who you really are, the more ready you will be to move beyond boundaries and into the intimate connections you seek.”
It’s counterintuitive that establishing boundaries allows transparency and real connection, but it is true. The danger for the individual who has been deeply wounded is that he or she will set the walls so high that they can’t re-engage in relationship or will drop the walls so low in an effort to fill the relational need they have. Townsend urges the wounded reader to risk relationship, but to operate out of a place of health and worth. Choose substance and character, Townsend encourages. Everything else is relational window dressing.
It is these relationships that help us live the life God has called us to. As Hebrews 3 says, “encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” We need relationships to be the whole and healthy selves that seek God and his Kingdom.
There are some minor critiques I have including Townsend’s weak exegesis that pops up a couple times. For instance, he uses Proverbs 4:23 to talk about protecting our hearts from others: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” While there is wisdom in what Townsend says, that is not what Proverbs 4:23 is referring to. Rather, it is referring to the overflow of the desires of our own hearts and the danger therein.
Those minor issues aside, Townsend’s book is well worth reading and is perfectly suited for a broad audience. I know I will be suggesting it to those who are struggling to build healthy relationships after hurt in the future.
March 25, 2021
Impressed and aided as I was by the original book on learning and being at peace with saying both ‘yes and no’, I bought this book awhile back. However, I only began to read it in earnest this last month and it was well worth the read. Dr. Townsend’s first book written along with Dr. Cloud on the theme of ‘boundaries’ has been a deeply impactful book for so many people (myself included), particularly for those Christians, who felt that though their wells were dry, they should just keep on trying to give more. These wonderful psychologists and deeply caring individuals point out that self-worth and taking care of personal needs are also an important consequence of living with a Biblical worldview—understanding that God truly cares for his children. After all, loving your neighbor as yourself must necessarily imply that there is a ‘self’ whose needs God wants met. Every individual is a beloved son or daughter of God, and He wants his children to feel loved! Being ‘nice’ all the time is not really what Christianity is all about as these authors point out. I highly recommend reading the original book “Boundaries” before reading this new book, which complements the first volume’s original ideas and expands upon them. ‘Beyond Boundaries’ in my opinion is a heartfelt invitation to live a balanced life of virtue, being willing to take reasonable risks of vulnerability and trust from a place of safety and security after having developed healthy boundaries and good self-worth. In other words, the book is an invitation to reach out and take a chance on deep and meaningful relationships again, not using boundaries to isolate, but only to protect. A house has doors, walls, and a gate, but ultimately it is not ever a ‘home’ if no one is allowed in. Humans only thrive in meaningful relationships. I highly recommend this book to all persons who desire to make the world a better and more loving place… those who like Mr. Rogers are willing to ask, “will you be my neighbor?”
February 22, 2012
Great book! I'm constantly impressed with the anointing of wisdom on John Townsend and Henry Cloud. I've read most of their books, and find them to be especially adept at getting complex thoughts across in a simple, engaging manner. Full of easy to follow guidelines, real-life examples, and natural progression in the book, it makes growing up fun (or at least seem achievable and desirable). Highly recommend!
January 22, 2022
Boundaries gave me a language to express the hurt and trauma I experienced. Beyond Boundaries gave me a language for “what’s next”. To express what I need, how to explain my difficulties, and what healthy dialogue looks like. Already working the words into my vocabulary, and it’s been affirming to see those close to me respond positively.
January 17, 2015
Relationships
Good thought process to objectively look at your relationships. Sometimes it is worth rekindling relationships you had previously walked away from....if both have matured and the relationship is beneficial.
Good thought process to objectively look at your relationships. Sometimes it is worth rekindling relationships you had previously walked away from....if both have matured and the relationship is beneficial.
April 13, 2022
This has been the most helpful of the boundaries books for me. Highly recommended.
August 2, 2022
So much in here that I need to understand. I will be rereading this one!
August 12, 2024
Helpful tools as I consider boundaries with some difficult relationships. My favorite quote that applies to my personal circumstances: “Grief is like the weather; it’s always changing and often unpredictable. It is more organic than systematic. So while you are in the season of letting go of the relationship, allow yourself to engage in it and embrace it. Your grief will subside and you can regain joy and positive feelings. Then another wave of grief will likely return. But the process works in such a way that each time you engage in grief, the bottom – the lowest part of the sadness – should be a little less severe and a little less dark. And in time, you will be yourself, actually more than yourself – because you have integrated and metabolized the loss of the relationship and learned from it.”
June 24, 2020
This book is an excellent, focused look at boundaries in relationships and how to build trust. It reviews some of the key points of boundaries from the Boundaries book then delves more into the relationship respective of boundaries and how to heal, grieve, and build more healthy and fulfilling relationship boundaries.
February 13, 2025
Excellent book! Of the approximately 7 books on boundaries that I’ve read (from boundaries with myself to boundaries with my thoughts and emotions to boundaries with others) this is probably my new favorite among them. Strongly recommend for anyone who has any difficult relationship!
January 10, 2020
Great advice and stories. Definitely would recommend!
March 9, 2025
I appreciate the expansion of boundaries work here, looking at the nature and structure of relationship, change, and healing. It’s got a lot of content and some gems of wisdom, especially if spotting healthy relationships is a challenge for you.
November 6, 2018
One of my good friends sent me a copy of this book when I was going through my separation and divorce. I read it pretty quickly then but decided it deserved a more thorough review. I've spent the last six months working my way through it with a pen and a highlighter. This is not so much a self-help book and more about the psychology of why we let in the people who continuously take advantage of our boundaries. Written from a faith-based standpoint, Townsend helps you re-draw those boundary lines and recognize the behavior that we should be cautious of in the future. It is not only for those dealing with issues in romantic relationships, but rather any type of relationship - work, family, or friendship. This book has never been more relevant than in this season of my life.
June 1, 2022
This book is INCREDIBLE. As someone who hasn’t done very well with boundaries thus far in life and is working through codependency, I could not have asked for a better tool in navigating it! I specifically picked it up because I’m currently walking in a difficult friendship and needed some guidance. This was absolutely perfect and so practical. I’ve been applying what I’ve learned as I go and have seen huge growth in myself and improvements in my relationships with people. Beyond Boundaries was far more helpful for me personally than Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. I’ve marked this one up like crazy, took notes, and kept my own personal index that I’m sure I’ll utilize for years to come.
April 8, 2021
There has been a lot of self-discovery over the past five or so years and one theme has been how I did not do relationships well as a child and teen and now I am having to relearn or learn for the first time how to have good relationships.
I would describe myself as being a friendly person but I don't go deep with many people. A lot of my relational trauma is me putting too much onto other people and our relationship, but I also had my trust severely broken by an authority figure as a teen. I haven't made a close, new friend in many, many years.
This book helped me identify a few things and showed me that I'm probably not ready to move beyond boundaries until I get some healing for past issues and until I fix some relationships I'm currently in. That's always a good thing to know.
The chapters in this book are short, bite-sized pieces and the writing is clear and conversational. It's not dry or academic or scholarly. I really liked the style and way it was written a lot and, of course, the content was practical and helpful.
I would describe myself as being a friendly person but I don't go deep with many people. A lot of my relational trauma is me putting too much onto other people and our relationship, but I also had my trust severely broken by an authority figure as a teen. I haven't made a close, new friend in many, many years.
This book helped me identify a few things and showed me that I'm probably not ready to move beyond boundaries until I get some healing for past issues and until I fix some relationships I'm currently in. That's always a good thing to know.
The chapters in this book are short, bite-sized pieces and the writing is clear and conversational. It's not dry or academic or scholarly. I really liked the style and way it was written a lot and, of course, the content was practical and helpful.
March 25, 2025
I am a therapist whose outlook is secular. I hadn't realized this book would be religious but I stuck with it anyway and I am glad I did because this is decidedly the best book on boundaries and rebuilding trust that I have read. A lot of books that are Christian focus so much on unearned forgiveness and grace that they leave out important components of protecting yourself and how to discern whether another person is a good person for you to have in your life, and this book focused a lot on discernment. And I can easily say I learned a lot from it as well and put some more tools in my tool chest.
I would definitely recommend this to my patients who have a Christian outlook and it is incredibly useful because a lot the ones I work with struggle with discernment. I would even recommend that people who aren't Christian and are struggling with boundaries and discernment read it and skim through the Biblical passages. Take what is useful and leave the rest basically.
I would definitely recommend this to my patients who have a Christian outlook and it is incredibly useful because a lot the ones I work with struggle with discernment. I would even recommend that people who aren't Christian and are struggling with boundaries and discernment read it and skim through the Biblical passages. Take what is useful and leave the rest basically.
October 13, 2018
This is an amazing follow-up to the Boundaries book. Practical and insightful... it helps put those principles into action in everyday life after finally establishing boundaries. In many cases, unhealthy people have to stay in our lives - they are family, neighbors, coworkers, ex-spouses - and we have to navigate keeping healthy boundaries while still interacting with the person. This is the book to help with that process. I highly recommend it!
February 21, 2020
I'm a big fan of Townsend and Cloud's writings. I intentionally read them so I might be a bit biased in my reviews!
Beyond boundaries is more of a sequel to the Boundaries book and if you're a relationship person, with need to make them more enhanced and effective; this book will not disappoint. I love how Dr Townsend's uses practical situations of day-to-day interaction to convey his message. There's a bit of humour in it also!
Beyond boundaries is more of a sequel to the Boundaries book and if you're a relationship person, with need to make them more enhanced and effective; this book will not disappoint. I love how Dr Townsend's uses practical situations of day-to-day interaction to convey his message. There's a bit of humour in it also!
September 18, 2022
Although sometimes cheesey, this book really helped me to understand reasons I relate the way I do and ways I can relate better to my friends and family. We were made for freedom and intimacy, to love and to be loved! I think this book shares some tangible examples and steps we can take to truly get to know those we care about at a deeper level (and in a healthy/appropriate way). Highly recommend for anyone who has a friend or parent or SO.
December 16, 2024
Very knowledgeable and eye-opening. I had a relationship go sour recently and I bought this book because I felt I had given up on deep relationships because of that one. Where I expected to find a how to guide, I discovered a comprehensive look on why relationships fall apart, what boundaries to build for prevention, and how to dive deep into new relationships in a healthy way.
Reading this book may become a regular practice so the information sticks in my head.
Reading this book may become a regular practice so the information sticks in my head.
July 25, 2020
Superó mis expectativas
Me encantó por ayudar al lector a entender como puede uno seguir avanzando en el tema de la intimidad en las relaciones, despues de un proceso de establecer limites. Como ir paso a paso en el proceso de ir abriendo el corazón despues de haber sido herido. Lo recomiendo, para aquellos que quieren seguir cultivando relaciones aun en medio de los riesgos.
Me encantó por ayudar al lector a entender como puede uno seguir avanzando en el tema de la intimidad en las relaciones, despues de un proceso de establecer limites. Como ir paso a paso en el proceso de ir abriendo el corazón despues de haber sido herido. Lo recomiendo, para aquellos que quieren seguir cultivando relaciones aun en medio de los riesgos.
August 31, 2021
Perhaps my most recommended book
It’s rare to find a roadmap for progression through a relationship! Whether it’s a friendship or a love story, it’s difficult to determine if or how to proceed and even more challenging to determine whether the bonds are healthy or not. This book has answers to those questions and more. It’s a must read for humans in relationships!
It’s rare to find a roadmap for progression through a relationship! Whether it’s a friendship or a love story, it’s difficult to determine if or how to proceed and even more challenging to determine whether the bonds are healthy or not. This book has answers to those questions and more. It’s a must read for humans in relationships!
October 27, 2022
This is probably the best in the "boundaries" series that I have read. It is focused on helping those who have been deeply wounded or hurt navigate reentering relationships. I think there is a lot of practical and useful wisdom here. This would even be helpful for those who have experienced abuse/hurt/trauma from the church.
October 27, 2017
Accidentally got this book when I was trying to get “Boundaries” by the same author. But this is a great book on picking and maintaining relationships. Highly recommend this book. Also written from a good Christian aspect. Will definitely go back and read Boundaries.
February 25, 2018
I read this after reading "boundaries" because the way the authors write, was very easy for me to read and follow. Also I enjoyed the concept of "boundaries" and wanted more of their ideas on the subject.
January 22, 2019
This book was everything I needed it to be! 🙌🏻 I had to read it slowly, as I underlined on almost every page. I will definitely use this as a reference and have already begun practicing some of the principles I learned from this book in my relationships. The Boundaries books have changed my life!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 109 reviews