Instructing a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp, Margy Tripp

From interaction with their peers to the instruction and correction that they receive at home, Children interpret their experience from a worldview that seeks to answer their fundamental questions: Who am I? What do I exist for? Where can I find joy? We need to provide our children with a consistent, persuasive, biblical framework for understanding the world God has made and their place in it. Instructing a Child's Heart is essential to Shepherding a Child's Heart. The instruction that you provide for them not only informs their mind; it is directed to persuading their hearts of the wisdom and truthfulness of God s ways. Impress truth on the hearts of your children, not to control or manage them, but to point them to the greatest joy and happiness that they can experience delighting in God and the goodness of his ways.

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Family, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christianity, Childrens

230 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2008

About the author

Tripp draws on over twenty years of experience as a pastor, counselor, school administrator and father in giving valuable help to parents.

Reviews

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Another awesome book on Gospel-Centred Parenting. This book is a followup to "Shepherding a Child's Heart", however this book focuses in on 'formative instruction'.

The extract below from the book explains why this is so important:

How critical is it to provide your children with a worldview that gives them a framework to understand your instruction and discipline? You may be surprised that this book is titled Instructing a Child’s Heart. You may ask, “Why not title the book Instructing a Child’s Mind? Isn’t instruction directed to the mind?”

The Importance of the Heart

We often think of the mind as the reasoning aspect and the heart as the emotional part of a person. The Bible does not support that idea. The Bible links thought to the heart. When God sent the Great Flood it was because “every inclination of the thoughts of [man’s] heart was only evil all the time” (Gen. 6:5). Mary, the mother of Jesus, finding herself overwhelmed with all she had heard concerning her son, “treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Lk. 2:19). The power of the word of God is seen in the way “it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:12).

The Bible ascribes reasoning and thinking to the heart because the heart is the center of one’s being. The heart is where we think, grieve, rejoice, love, hate, desire, fear, pray, and so forth. “The heart is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23).

The Importance of Instruction

Instructing a child’s heart is not simply transferring data from parent to child. It is impressing the heart with truth. Solomon gives this kind of instruction when he says, “My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad; my inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is right. Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path” (Prov. 23:15–19). Solomon appeals to his son’s heart.

Expectations of a Child Rearing Book

Moms and dads are looking for tips and ideas that have immediate application to their children. Parents have a “top ten” list of problems they would like to know how to solve. Parents want practical help, “Just tell me what to do when. . . , or tell me what to say when . . .”

You need more than tips and ideas; you need solid biblical truth. Even if we could script conversations and put well-chosen words into your mouth, it would not meet your needs. You would quickly get beyond our script and run out of words. Each interaction within a family has its own unique set of circumstances and personalities. Because God has made human beings and their world complex, there aren’t simple formulas that can be applied to our parenting. If all you have are tips and strategies, you will get beyond your fund of knowledge. Your greatest need is to understand deep truths from the Bible. Solid parenting skills are built on solid truth.

Organization of the Book

We have organized this book into three major sections. The first looks at the call to formative instruction. This portion looks at formative instruction with a wide lens. In the second section we zero in on more specific topics. The truths discussed in this section must be the substance of formative instruction for your child. It will include chapters on the importance of the heart, sowing and reaping, God’s plan for authority, the glory of God, wisdom and foolishness, how we are complete in Christ and the importance of the church. This is lifesaving formative instruction.

The third section focuses on the application of formative instruction. Practical “how to” instruction for correction, discipline and motivation will help make the connection between formative instruction and corrective discipline. This section will include chapters on subjects such as consequences, getting from behavior to the heart and communication basics for corrective discipline. All corrective interventions must focus on the good news of the gospel. We want our children to see the forgiving, tranforming, empowering grace of Jesus Christ in the gospel.

Instructing a child’s heart is essential to shepherding a child’s heart. The instruction that you provide not only informs the mind; it is directed to persuading the heart of the wisdom and truthfulness of God’s ways. We should impress truth on the hearts of our children, not to control or manage them, but to point them to the greatest joy and happiness that they can experience—delighting in God and the goodness of his ways.

I would consider this a “must read” for any Christian parent, because it gets specific about the essence of what is required of parents to bring up their children the way God requires. It does not cover everything about parenting (I don’t think any book can do that), but it does cover the area of formative instruction very well.

My personal opinion would be for ages 4 upwards. Reading suggestions for younger children:
• Shepherding a Child’s Heart
• Loving the Little Years
• The Parent Adventure

[John Uit de Flesch · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is about child rearing—specifically instruction. While the content is strong, I found it quite wooden, full of cliches and disconnected. I found it hard to read and I really had to push myself to finish it. His first book was stellar and well received. In my opinion, this one seems forced. My favorite chapters were “Getting your children to see the glory of God” and “communication”.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Several chapters of this book were absolutely transforming for me as a parent. Other chapters made me go, "Huhhh? This is a great meditation, but could you apply it to parenting a little bit more specifically for a newb like me?" (I also felt that some of the chapters had organization--but organization I was unable to penetrate. As an English teacher, this bothered me enough to subtract one star.)

But the transforming chapters were worth the whole read. My highlights were the "Getting to the Heart of Behavior" chapter and the "Communication" chapter. Aside from the chapters, these two tidbits alone have changed my entire outlook and made my home and my mental landscape much more pleasant: 1) instruction is a dialogue, not a monologue, and 2) "Our weakness will never keep us from God as much as our strength will."

Overall, this book challenged me to trust in God's ways, to own that obedience is best not only for my kids but also for me. Tripp's counseling razor helped me see that while I had been harping to my kids about how THEY need to speak wisely, I was ignoring those Scriptures for myself. I found that I had started this parenting gig with an idea that having children would be more fulfilling to ME, but this book is a resounding wake-up call to die to yourself for the sake of your children. I also realized I was trying (again?!) to reduce parenting to a system that makes it easier for ME, not really thinking about what is best for THEM. The long, slow road into their hearts may show less immediate fruit--but is better for my kids and our relationship. "The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." It's all very sobering and increases my feeling of desperate need for God's help, which isn't necessarily pleasant, per se, but I have faith that it will bear good fruit.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers a good reminder that even if one's children are extremely obedient, if they have not also been taught to continually evaluate their own motivations and "heart conditions," the main parenting job has not been completed. A danger of Christian parenting is that children may learn to play by the many rules imposed upon them and never learn that they are in need of grace and forgiveness throughout their lives. Teaching them to understand how God wants to change their hearts, and not just focusing on behavior modification, will do much to keep children from becoming little Pharisees. Worth reading periodically.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd probably put this book somewhere between 3.5 and 4 stars if that's possible. 😊 There was a lot of wonderful advice in this book and not just for parenting but for life as a believer. In order to instruct a child's heart according to the scripture and for the glory of God we, as parents, need to first look at our own lives and our own walk with Christ. The Tripps encourage parents in their own walk and how that will then flesh itself out in our parenting. This was helpful and encouraging. The only reason I wouldn't give it a solid 4 stars or higher is because there is an element of idealism present that builds upon my already sensitive guilt complex. I had to take in the parenting ideas through a lens of "this is a good idea, but won't look the same in my family as it states here" and not allow myself to feel guilty or discouraged when things don't work like they say they should. Not everyone will read this the same way as me I'm sure, and may not have that battle. Overall, it is a good book for parents to read who long to not only train behavior but reach their children's hearts.

[Jacqui · Rating 2 out of 5]

Along the lines of shepherding a child's heart. So if you've read SACH then you can give this one a miss. It's supposed to be more "practical" which just read as narrow for me. I like more gracious books which give parents more freedom in putting the theories into practice. The Tripp methods may not work for all.

[Rachael Marsceau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Aside from Scripture itself, there simply is no greater parenting resource than the Tripps' books. Wow. I'm so thankful.

The BIGGEST thing I took away from this was the concept of formative instruction. This is the daily, moment-by-moment teaching we do in the informal time we have with our children. We CANNOT expect to only speak of God and what He desires of us at the time of discipline and have our children run to Him. They will begin to associate His Word with something negative, and resent it. Therefore, informally speaking and teaching about God, His love and boundaries, and biblical concepts throughout the day in various scenarios and in a positive light is essential!

I liked this SO much more than Shepherding. It's practical in every way.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was surprised I didn't like this book very much, because I remember liking "Shepherding a Child's Heart." Though I disagreed with the emphasis in that book on using "the rod" as the only way to raise children in a way that lines up to scripture, I really appreciated the distinction drawn between raising a child who follows rules and a child who has learned to tune their heart to God.

"Instructing a Child's Heart" had some problems equating our input as parents to a positive outcome for our children. For example, on page 83 of my version there is a graphic with "The Circle of Blessing" that shows if a child is living in obedience to his parents, which is what God wants, then the child will receive blessing. This seems like a dishonest thing to tell parents and kids. When - not if - something bad happens, will they turn from God because he didn't keep up his end of the deal in this "Circle of Blessing?" I would have appreciated a more nuanced explanation of teaching children to obey God, even when God is disappointing us or we are struggling through something hard.

The authors also give some examples of bad parenting that is wrong because it teaches self-directed autonomy. In these cases, the authors seem to have a lack of understanding of child development. The worst example to me was that the authors condemned a parent who would say "Honey, you can wear the red shirt, the green shirt, or the blue shirt. It's up to you." (page 84). I do not agree with the authors' assertion that this teaches the child to reject any authority other than himself. Why should a parent make every decision for a child just to assert authority? I would rather teach my children that there are things they can make decisions about (like what to wear) and things that I decide for them (what we eat for family dinner). Preparing them to make decisions by giving them small ones is developmentally appropriate, and it seems like an abuse of authority to deny them choices in little things just so they don't question big decisions.
There is a section on communication that I thought was valuable. The authors recommend listening well and being restrained, pleasant, thoughtful, and understanding in order to make your child feel safe and heard.

[Peter Krol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful and challenging. Another winner from the Tripps, right in line with Shepherding a Child's Heart. This book gave me lots of practical help for how to make the most of daily life with my children in order to give them a framework in which to interpret life.

In other words, the book is all about how to talk about the Lord with your kids all the time. What most struck me is how God has built the principle of sowing and reaping into the world, and we should maximize on that to teach our children that there are always consequences for their actions. This truth had a significant impact on my communication with our sons.

I found myself on almost every page thinking, "man, I just can't do what God expects me to do!" The Gospel was certainly present in the book, and it was presented clearly in the final chapter the only hope for both parents and children. However, I would have preferred more of this good news scattered throughout the book, alongside of the ubiquitous conviction.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book truly was a pleasure to read, and I think that should be read by any parents seeking to lead their children in biblical instructions in the fear of the lord.there is so much simple practical advice that is absolutely priceless. I read shepherding a child's heart several years ago nm considering we doing it again. This book is a fantastic companion to that book it is full of biblical truth.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Borrowed this book from a friend. It was also great. I am purchasing this book so my husband can read it when he is done with Shepherding a Child's Heart. 10/28/14

Don't remember reading this. Found this in my husbands pile of books and started reading it, so good!...krb 12/22/20 Reading the hierarchy of God's plan/place for each of us/obedience to the kids. Asking Ben to read ch 14 on Communication. Good read...krb 12/29/20

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I still was not able to clearly understand the difference between heart training and behaviorism very distinctly, which is odd, since that is the crux of the book, but it still provides a lot of tools to help train your children from a Biblical perspective. I will definitely be referencing many things i underlined in this book in dealing with my children in the future.

[SheLuvsGod · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read for my Family Discipleship class.

This book helps parents to understand why children behave the way they do and offers some practical biblical solutions for steering them back in the right direction.

[Gina Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t say enough good about this book. It’s not just a practical parenting book (although it is that too), it’s a solid theology book. Every this Tripp says he backs up with scripture and it’s very gospel centered. I was convicted and encouraged.

[Honey P · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a peaceful parent, and this book does not suit me. I don't like the Tripp's methods, and I don't think I would ever use any advice from this book. This book is much more suited to a rigid, rule-filled home in my opinion.

[Jeff · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally helpful, but overly wordy at times and certainly inferior to Shepherding a Child's Heart. It's a decent read with some helpful anecdotes but it would not be one of my top choices.

[Daniel Marques · Rating 5 out of 5]

As we delve deeper into the concept of God's grace, we begin to grasp just how reliant we are on it for everything we do. All things are from Him and for Him, and our children are ultimately His as well. Our role as parents hinges entirely on the grace He generously extends to us. He empowers us and guides us through this incredible journey. Indeed, God is faithful in every situation.

I cherish the mission of fatherhood and consider it a true privilege to embrace this responsibility. Learning how to connect with our children’s hearts and guide them in understanding and revering this wonderful God is a remarkable endeavor.

[Joshua · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has been on my reading list for far too long, so I set out to finish it. If I could list anything that I didn't find as helpful with this book, it's that I believe many of the chapters can be more concise. It is as if the chapters have a rhythmic cadence that looks like small hills and valleys throughout, when what I am looking for is a building on truth each chapter and then a culmination of that truth at the end. However, this could just be my reading preference.

What I did like, overwhelmingly so, about the book, was the sections on Sowing and Reaping principles. Sowing and Reaping applied was an incredibly helpful chapter that helped me see everything Shepherding and Instructing have said without it being formulaic.

As with Shepherding, thank you so much, Mr. Tripp, for your faithfulness with these works. My family, and many others besides, have been blessed in our reading of them.

[Mookie J · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Better than shepherding a child's heart. He is more gracious or less black and white in speaking. He also shares of his own struggles.

The ideas are so important in parenting, challenging. Gospel centered.

[Samuel Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think Deuteronomy 6:6-7 sums up the heart of the book. I must first know the Lord and His Word well before I can impart to my future children (God-willing) any instruction/teaching/discipline. How can I talk about the sweetness of His Word if I haven't tasted it myself? Good book that was gifted by a sister whose presence will be missed! :'(

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books on parenting around. The book's primary focus is on "formative instruction" and teaching our children God's ways throughout all of life. They emphasize that only instructing our children when we are disciplining them will cause our children to ignore our instruction, harden their hearts, and lead to rebellion.

This is hard work for sure, and reinforces the idea that parenting is hard work--but of course, is there anything worth doing that isn't hard? Another good emphasis is to not brow-beat our children with the Bible. We should use God's Word not as a paddle, but as a gift and a light.

Disciplinary methods are rarely, if ever discussed in the book, which places the emphasis on formative instruction, rather than discipline. Discipline is for when our kids move out of "the circle of blessing." This means discipline is to be rare--at least for older children.

Rather than viewing parenting as discipline and punishment--we ought to view it as instruction in all of life--throughout the day. Rather than lecture our children, we ought to dialogue with them. This allows us to probe their hearts, and teaches them how to understand themselves--their sin, their need for redemption, and that hope only comes through God and his Son Jesus Christ.

The strength of the book is its emphasis on formative instruction over discipline. Its one weakness is that it doesn't do much to actually address disciplinary methods. Great, great book.

[Brendan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book. Like it's predecessor, Shepherding a Child's Heart, this book gives some really helpful advice for instructing the heart of a child, rather than modifying behavior. I love how Tedd Tripp focuses on the gospel and raising up kids to understand the motivations in the heart.

I wasn't as fond of this one as their other work, but that was mostly because I found the formatting and the text on the pages a little distracting. It didn't necessarily make it easy to read. The content of this book, however, was a pure goldmine.

Pick it up, give it a read, but take your time. There is a lot to digest here.

[SOVEYM · Rating 3 out of 5]

An informative book if you care about connecting with your child through the heart rather than through behavior. I gained perspective about my behavior as a parent in regards to how it either smears or promote the message I’m trying to send to my daughter. The approach and the message we’re actually sending is something I think parents forget sometimes because we’re wrapped up in just the discipline piece. I agree with the author that discipline begins with the heart not the behavior. I quote from the book...
“Help your children to see that the motivation for obedience is the amazing grace of God in the gospel.”
I think this speaks volume if you’re God fearing.

[Mary Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

From out of our hearts, flows either sin or goodness. Our children's hearts need to be instructed in goodness during their formative years. Teach them to examine their own hearts against the formative instruction from God's Word that they have received. I like the idea of examining actions as a symptom of the heart issues. The heart is the root of the behavior. Good practical examples of sample conversations included. No lecturing the child but listening and questioning as a fellow sinner who also struggles to obey.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally finished after picking up, reading, putting down, skimming what I read before and remembering why it was so good, and then continuing many, many times. A great follow up to Shepherding a Child's Heart. Felt like it spoke right to my stage (but likely very helpful in other child-rearing stages, too). Great resource as I move out of the toddler/discipline-focused stage and into the formative instruction/worldview stage (with discipline still mixed in). Convicting and challenging but encouraging and gospel-filled at the same time.

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is by far the best parenting book I have read. Far from mere parenting principles and directives, Tedd and Margy Tripp focus on reaching not only the mind of a child but the heart. Instead on focusing on behavior modification, the Tripps explain the need to instruct children in who they are and their need for the grace of God found in the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. This book is for parents, grand parents, pastors, counselors, and anyone else who desires to grow in Christ and help others to do the same.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book not only really helpful in parenting, but challenging. I found myself constantly praying as I read - that the things I was reading about would be happening in me as well as in my kids. And I found myself constantly repenting - realising how far short I fall of God's goodness.

Most of all I found myself loving the gospel and wanting to be changed and shaped by it.

This is a very helpful book for parents. It will be helpful generally for Christians, and it is helpful for anyone who disciples others.

[Dan Sudfeld · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! I had read Shepherding a Child's Heart a number of years ago, but at that point had just one two-year old, and had a very idealistic view of parenting. Now that we have three boys, this next Tripp book has been very timely. Idealism has been replaced by realism, as I struggle to be a Deuteronomy 6:4-9/Ephesians 6:4/Colossians 3:21 father. This book gives Gospel-centered principles on parenting. Extremely helpful!

[Steve Hemmeke · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a sequel to Shepherding a Child’s Heart, targeting the 7-13 year old. It was a little frustrating in that ¾ of the book was background and worldview, with the last ¼ being more practical. But that was also good. The parent has to have, live and breathe faith in the Lord Jesus before any conversational method will be effective. Some keys are guiding conversations, asking the right questions, and giving possible options for what’s going on inside them to draw out the heart of your child.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a follow up to Shepherding A Childs Heart, this book covers the importance of and how to build a Biblical foundation in your children. Honestly, even though it was a very good book and full of Truth...it was a bit intimidating. I found myself often thinking of how there is no way I could possibly live up to this standard of parenting. But then, that drives me back to my dependence on Christ, which is ultimately most important...and the book reinforces that as well.