No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship

by Rebecca McLaughlin

Greater love has no one than that he lay down his life for his friends. –John 15:13 Our culture idolizes romance and the love of parents for their children. But Jesus said there was no greater love than sacrificial friendship love . What’s more, He issued a command to His disciples that they live into this kind of love. Christian friendship isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s vital. But it’s also dangerous. Friends can pull us up when we’re knocked down, embrace us with their love, and spur us on to follow Jesus better. But friends can also grind us to the ground, exploit, or invite us into sin. In No Greater Love , Rebecca McLaughlin walks us through the highs and lows of friendship love—a love that’s been neglected and malnourished in our modern world. She draws especially on Jesus in the Gospels and on Paul to show how powerful and precious Christian friendship is and how we can walk through the hurt, loss, and disillusionment that comes from broken friendship trust. Beginning with the words of Jesus on the night he was betrayed and abandoned, she points us to His battle-tested love as the unending source of our best love for one another. Male or female, single or married, joyful or lamenting, lonely or embraced, we all need friendship love. This book will help us give and receive it in a way that calls us back to Jesus’s that we love each other just like He loves us.

Genres: Christian, Christian Living, Friendship, Nonfiction, Theology, Faith, Religion

176 pages, Paperback

Published September 5, 2023

About the author

Rebecca McLaughlin (PhD, Cambridge University) is the cofounder of Vocable Communications, a communications consulting and training firm. She is also a regular contributor to the Gospel Coalition and previously spent nine years working with top academics at the Veritas Forum, which hosts forums on college campuses with conversations that pursue answers to life's hardest questions.

Reviews

[Amber Thiessen · Rating 5 out of 5]

{Full review here: https://www.amberthiessen.com/post/no...}

"Friendship is no optional extra life feature we might get talked into by an eager salesman. It's vital to our flourishing."

Have you considered friendship vital to your flourishing?

If I’m honest, introvert that I am, in my younger years, I likely didn’t give credence to relationships. Walking along in my self-reliance, I thought I could depend on myself and my relationship with God to get me through anything.

But we know this isn’t true.

God created the church as interconnected puzzle pieces, every one unique and distinct, to picture his light and love to the world.

In No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship, Rebecca McLaughlin helps teach us about our relationships and why they're so important.

If you’ve been struggling in your friendships, this book would be a good place to find your bearings again, helping you reset your perspective with a biblical vision of friendship.

If you’re interested in a topical study on friendship, I would highly recommend this resource. It would also make a great small group book club with your friends, providing you with an opportunity to explore your friendships, the ways you’re already growing together and areas of challenge.

Check out the post for the full review. A big thanks to Moody Publishers for the complimentary copy and for the opportunity to post an honest review.

[Laura Robinson (naptimereaders) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my first book to read by Rebecca McLaughlin! I think she brings up some really great points in regards to Christian’s friendships!

I have been so blessed to have some really great friendships- some that I’ve had to work for, but for the most part, pretty great ones! Because if that, I did have a hard time relating to her in a few of her examples she’s used- and I feel that readers may too.

As someone who just loves her friends and considers them- I did feel like at times, this book was making you think harder about your friendships, when it’s really not meant to be that hard. I think she had really great and challenging things to say- but at the end of the day… love your friends. Love them deeply.
I think I saw another review saying this could of been a blog post, and I agree! It could of been. Because it did feel a little dragged on.

Regardless, I walked away with some great insight into her life & wisdom for my own friendships. While, I’ll probably won’t ever have a deep friendship with a man (like she talks about her her book)- I found it encouraging what she said here:
“While Paul does tell his mentee Timothy to flee from youthful passions, he doesn't tell him to flee from all relationships with women. Rather, he urges Timothy to encourage "older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity" (1 Tim. 5:2).
Mother-son and brother-sister bonds are not sexual, but they're deeply loving. Paul tells Timothy to cultivate these bonds. Paul modeled this himself.”

I def think she’s challenging some of the Western cultures norms- but she brings up a lot of biblical points as she does. We have gone away from deep friendships & this book is a great reminder of what it looks like to walk in the call of “there is no greater love than this…”

[Billy Backhouse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely the best Christian book on friendship that I've read. Balanced, emotionally honest, and practical.

[Emily Waits (emilylovesreading_) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book Review

Title: No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship
Author: Rebecca McLaughlin
Rating: 5/5

Big thank you to @moodypublishers for the #giftedbook in exchange for my honest review. Book mail from Moody never fails to make my day! This book was just released on September 5, 2023.

I have read quite a few books on friendship in the past months, and I really loved No Greater Love. Years ago when I read Rebecca’s first book, I decided that I would read every other book she’d write. I haven’t changed my mind yet—her biblical literacy and brilliance are both so evident in her writing.

I especially appreciated Rebecca’s discussions regarding “inner circles” and drawing people into community wherever you can. Her discussions of accountability and boundaries were also super helpful. All in all, this book was full of wisdom and very helpful. Rebecca’s honesty about her friendship struggles really encouraged me and made me feel like I am not alone in mine.

Highly recommend! Swipe to read a few of my favorite quotes, highlighted with my favorite @thedailygraceco highlighter!

#bookstagram #christianbookstagram #bookreview #bookrecs #bookrecommendation #bookstagrammer #bookblogger #christianbooks #christiannonfiction #newrelease #bookish #booklover #readersofig

[Alex Strohschein · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably more a 3.5/5. This is a fine book on friendships that is both more comprehensive than a lot of other Christian books on friendship while also being somewhat limited. It is also the first book by Rebecca McLaughlin that I have read.

There is a lot to like in this book. It is personable, vulnerable, and deeply Christocentric. While much of Western conservative evangelicalism (unconsciously or not) idolizes (or at least idealizes) the nuclear family, McLaughlin writes compellingly about how the church can be a place where congregants turn into brothers and sisters in the Lord. She shares how her close friends have cared for her personally and her friends in moments of uncertainty and stress. In my experience of church couples always sit together (and typically sit with other couples) but McLaughlin challenges couples to NOT always sit together in church but to sit with newcomers, the lonely, or other friends. She movingly, enthusiastically meditates on how outsiders can be brought in to "inner rings."

She critiques some common evangelical folk beliefs such as that one's spouse is there "all-in-all," instead insisting that our friends also provide the space for us to open up, act, and explore who we are (p. 114). We all know that we act around some of our friends differently than we do with our significant other (or children). Our deepest Christian friendships are also places where we can experience heartfelt prayer, encouragement, accountability, and forgiveness.

As well, while realizing tact is needed to prevent misunderstanding and respecting those with more conservative attitudes, she chides the logic behind the "Billy Graham rule," which often actually smuggles in a spirit of oversexualization that isn't becoming to brothers and sisters in Christ in the first place and assumes the inevitably of lust due to fear (p. 124). Throughout the book, McLaughlin keeps pointing to Jesus as not only our Friend but as the One who we are called as believers to emulate when it comes to loving our friends.

I enjoyed reading this book (and plan on recommending it in an upcoming sermon on friendship) but I had a few quibbles. We all know that as soon as you use "biblical" as an adjective its content immediately transmogrifies into something kosher for conservative evangelicals (I also know that authors don't often get a say in the title of their book) but this book is almost TOO CHRISTOCENTRIC to be "biblical" in that she doesn't give much attention at Old Testament friendships. She dismisses David and Jonathan's famous friendship as tainted by political intrigue and doesn't explore the rich friendship between Ruth and Naomi or the more complicated friendship of Job and his "miserable comforts" Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. Instead, McLaughlin focuses on the New Testament and Jesus' interactions with his disciples (especially Peter) and Paul's friendships across the nascent Christian Church. Not only does No Greater Love ignore the Old Testament but it also generally ignores the rich Christian tradition's contemplation of friendship, most notably in the work of the medieval English monk Aelred of Rievaulx.

Aelred is an inspiring Christian figure in general but he has particularly become something of a "patron saint" to gay Christians. I was surprised that McLaughlin doesn't refer to works by Wesley Hill or other Side B Christians who write for the outlet literally called "Spiritual Friendship" when it comes to the practice of friendship (part of me suspects this is because traditional same-sex attracted Christians in The Gospel Coalition's orbit don't seem to get along with the Side B crowd). Still, I find McLaughlin's reflections in No Greater Love moving because she frequently alludes to her close friends like Sam Allberry and especially Rachel Gilson who struggle with same-sex attraction. McLaughlin opens up about her own same-sex desires and how she has to be cautious about setting boundaries with female friends (this type of confession is quite unique, pp. 125-27).

I do think this book will have more resonance with Christian women as well as with parents of children. McLaughlin writes about her friends coming alongside her to care for her children when her husband was briefly in the hospital. She tells of playdates with other parents and of how other adults help to pour into her children. I don't detect as much about how married people can care for single people. I think that Christian men can often be embarrassed or awkward when it comes to showing their friends affection (I think it's easier for women to cry together or say "I love you") and this should be challenged so those aforementioned gestures aren't weird but I think there is more to be said about how to practice close male friendship.

Lastly, towards the end of the book McLaughlin discusses how sometimes friendships may need to come to an end. I agree and I think that McLaughlin is bold to assert this as I don't think Christians are good at ending unhealthy relationships BECAUSE of an overly servant-hearted desire to be like Jesus. McLaughlin shares how one of her close friendships ended because the other person identified McLaughlin as being codependent on her; McLaughlin later seems to suggest that this codependency was a form of sin (pp. 158-59). I understand how I suppose there is some sort of Augustinian pessimism that sees idols everywhere and we should certainly be wary, but I wonder if codependency is not a sin but rather some sort of psychological issue more akin to "afflictions" rather than "sins" .

All in all, No Greater Love is an inspiring exploration of the New Testament's vision for friendship and how we as Christians can be friends today.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

In many ways, I think Rebecca McLaughlin and I are kindred spirits - she loves and highly values friendships, and sees them as hugely fruitful ways to relate in the culture we live in that increasingly over-values romantic relationships and under-values platonic ones. Even in this short book, she offers helpful suggestions for friendships inside and outside of the church, between two people of different sexes or sexual orientations, and between married and single people. I really appreciate all the energy and love she poured into this book, all because there is great value in phileo (friendship) love that should be cultivated and celebrated and given its full expression in the world!

[Katy Van Meter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Warning: this book could change your life. The way your church does life. Together.

“How has this devaluation of the currency of friendship come about? “The first and most obvious answer,” Lewis suggests, “is that few value [friendship] because few experience it.”

“As we sit at Jesus’ feet, we must be ready to have our assumptions about self-serving friendship shaken up.”

“Jesus’ linking of deep friendship love to His own sacrifice for us means friendship is a vehicle of the gospel. Friendship is a vehicle for the gospel in the sense that its cross-shaped: formed for life laid down in love for others, just as Jesus laid down His own life for us.”

“Their life together was contingent on relationship with Him, not first and foremost with each other. Our best friends are directing us to Jesus, not away from Him.”

[Cole Pate · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! It’s a great and Biblical look at what friendship is designed to be. I do wish though, that the male and female friendships chapter had more practical steps and examples.

[Jessie Sharp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just can't recommend enough for Christian friend groups. Read with a group of friends and hold one another to this standard of Christ-centered friendship!

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audio and just loved it so much I’d love to read it again so I could highlight it! I honestly almost sobbed at part of her story and was so encouraged at her amazing hopeful ideas about friendship of all kinds! It was so redemptive and inspirational!

[Tim Goldsmith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having read & enjoyed Vaughan Roberts' "True Friendship", I was keen for another book that delivered a framework and argument for the value of Christian friendship.
McLaughlin delivers a pastoral and personally vulnerable look into the importance of friendship, the ways it can build us up as individuals and strengthen marriages, but also how friendships can be dangerous if we let them become too important, or we don't have healthy boundaries.
A couple of things that I particularly enjoyed were Rebecca's acknowledgement that we can get caught in the question "why isn't X delivering what I need as a friend", rather than asking ourselves "how might I seek to care for the other as a healthy friend?".
Rebecca frames this book within the context of her own relationships (both those that have been healthy as well as an occasion where she had to do soul-searching after the end of a friendship where she had been too intense), and in her usual style, she loves to grab loads of contemorary(ish) illustrations from the modern world. In this case, if you're not a fan of Lord of the Rings, there are 10 or so references that may be lost to you!
All up, this is an encouraging book, helpful for any individual, or pastor who wants to think through how we build edifying and Christ-honouring relationships that build up the body of Christ.
(It's a 9 out of 10 book, but not quite a 5 out of 5....)

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Straightforward, scriptural celebration of friendship. McLaughlin doesn’t take her friendships for granted, but she realizes many Christians tend to consider friendship a lower priority than romantic and family relationships. But, as she notes, Jesus didn’t command his disciples to get married and have kids; he told them there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend. With that directive in mind, McLaughlin sets out to describe how friendship can bless the family of God. For example, while marriage is a permanent and exclusive bond, friendship is more “various and free.” Every friendship can be an invitation to “explore an unexplored dimension of myself.” Friendship can complement our other bonds and enrich our fellowship, and it can be a beautiful means of experiencing grace and confronting our sinful tendencies as we encourage one another to grow in Christlikeness.

She has a wise eye towards the misuses and misunderstandings that can mar friendship, and she is honest but brief about her own insecurities and shortcomings as a friend. I doubt this book will surprise anyone with new ideas, but it is a slim, comforting reminder to give friendship its due.

[Easton Tally · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed here. McLaughlin explores the biblical category of friendship in a way that felt too thin. The overwhelming feeling was that she touched on all of the topics that those reading this book would be interested in without actually digging into them deeply.

With that being said, there are helpful moments in this book (resisting codependency, categories for heterosexual friendships, inconvenient sacrifice, etc.), but unfortunately not enough for me to recommend this book to others over other friendship-related materials.

[Emma]

Loved Confronting Christianity but a bit disappointed with this one 😞 Felt like I got more insight into the author’s life than into friendship.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

Friendship is a sadly neglected topic in Western society in general, and in the church. In this book, Rebecca McLaughlin encourages people to pursue friendship and hold it in high regard, and she shares personal examples and practical advice about what different Christian friendships may look like and how to cultivate healthy platonic bonds. At the beginning, McLaughlin explores Jesus's example of friendship, and she highlights how Jesus's teachings command deep relationship bonds within the church community, not just the nuclear family. She writes that friendship isn't an optional add-on for Christians, but should flow from the core of our beliefs.

McLaughlin writes about how important it is to welcome people in the church and cultivate a genuine sense of church family, and she suggests ways that Christians can pursue deeply personal bonds with close friends. She also reflects on the importance of inter-generational and cross-gender friendships, and she engages with some common Christian hang-ups, like the idea that close friendships threaten marriage, or that it is inherently unwise for anyone to be friends with someone they could develop feelings of attraction to. Another chapter deals with when it is appropriate to part ways with a friend, and McLaughlin provides ideas for evaluative questions and steps, warning against the risk of codependency and emotional abuse in some friendships.

I appreciated McLaughlin's nuanced reflections and thoughtful examples, and I also liked her chapter about being friends with people across lines of religious and political difference. Overall, this book is very gracious and wise, and McLaughlin handles theoretical and practical issues in a thought-provoking way. However, since McLaughlin shares so many personal stories about her own friendships, people's connection with this book will be somewhat dependent on how much they relate to her. I appreciated her vulnerability and many real-life examples, and I can relate to a number of her experiences, but people who identify with her less may not get as much out of this book, and may wish that she had included a wider variety of examples from other people.

No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship is a great book for Christians who want to think more deeply about the role of friendship in their lives. McLaughlin describes the biblical basis for close platonic friendships in a helpful way, and she engages with a variety of practical questions and issues that people may face. I appreciate her personal vulnerability throughout this book, and I enjoyed her insightful reflections and advice for pursuing healthy, God-honoring friendships.

I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Courtney Harp · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well written, biblically based book regarding friendships of all kinds. It is uplifting to read about God's gift of friendships and the wonderful ways they enrich our lives. Rebecca covers a wide variety of friendships in the book and it is an easy yet impactful read. I appreciate her honesty regarding her own struggles and hurts with friendships and the encouragement for Christian readers to give grace and look to scripture. Beautiful book and highly recommended!

This book seeks to theologically undergird and celebrate the ways in which the friend relationship is different from the love between a husband and a wife, or between parents and children. But the more that I reflect on friendship love the more I am convinced that all the different kinds of human love are precious pointers to the love God has for us-refracting its blinding light in different way.

[Leah Finn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I genuinely enjoyed this book! It provided a perspective on friendship that I resonated with as someone who has gone through many different seasons of friendship, both good and bad. This book has been a reminder to me that I should not take for granted the friends God has brought into my life and to not become complacent in building new friendship.

A quote that particularly stuck with me is this one:

"For Christians, I will agree, friendship is no optional extra life feature we might get talked into you by an eager salesman. It's vital to flourishing. Friendship at its best is just as powerful as any other love. But like each one of God's amazing gifts to us, it's life-giving if we embrace it well, and soul-sucking if we don't."

[Sarah Chappell · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

I love all of Rebecca’s books including this one! It was encouraging to read of her friendships and it had some great examples of the good things that can (and should) happen in friendship but she also expanded on the hurt and complexities that come with friendship including when and how a friendship should end.

I wish this book was longer and more in-depth. I appreciated how McLaughlin consistently pointed it back to Jesus’ and Paul’s friendships but I would have loved a deeper look into the Old Testament and more of a discussion around the Bible passages she did mention. Equally, it makes sense as this is the author’s situation, but I found it to be most relatable to married parents.

Overall an encouraging, quick read. I’d recommend for a good overview of being a friend as a Christian.

[Erick Harp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical read! Rebecca does a great job backing up her views on friendships with scripture. It harkens you back to that deep friendship with your childhood best friend, the memories and feelings of that amazing relationship, friendship. The book gives a very balanced approach on various friendships, all with excellent scripture references. Our modern world would do well to see true Biblical Friendship in all its splendor!

[Nadia Kay]

reading for a theology class. edifying, theologically sound, & encouraging perspective of friendship & philia love which indeed can be as deep & piercing as any other kind. at times i felt as though it was slanting towards being a manual for how to be a “good christian” but the crux of it was Christ.

[Chas Bomgardner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful and encouraging while convicting all at once- a must read for anyone wanting a Biblical viewpoint of friendship. I loved that she ties it all into how Jesus viewed friendship in the NT.

[Garrett Black · Rating 4 out of 5]

With the clarity, joy, and wit that characterizes all of McLaughlin’s books No Greater Love offers a compelling vision of what friendship in the Christian life should look like. I’ll be using this book as a primary resource for a weekend retreat on friendship next month, and I’m excited to share this content with my youth group. Overall great resource, highly recommend.

[lissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A simple and necessary theology of friendship - this is good for a quick reference to pointing out the sins and blessings that friendship brings! Thank you Rebecca, I have learned so much from you!

[Laura Lee Cochran · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it was very well written and brought up many good points, it just wasn’t what I thought it was and didn’t answer some of the questions I had. But would still recommend

[Becca Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good book. Helpful to read a theology on friendship, as it's an important aspect of daily life for us all!

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read through this book with a group of women from my church. It is an incredibly helpful conversation starter regarding adult female friendships. So many of us enter adulthood with a long history of friendship hurt (whether we are aware of it or not), and this book felt a bit like a friendship 101. I’m not sure how this book would have landed had I read it solo, but I definitely recommend reading it and discussing it with a friend.

[JoAnna Lane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on biblical friendship!

[Heidi Huber · Rating 5 out of 5]

A counter cultural exploration of friendship. Incredible encouraging, thought provoking, challenging and the read you can always learn something from that you needed to know about Christian friendship.

[Unchong Berkey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This would be a great book to read with some friends. I appreciate McLaughlin’s treatment of friendship-she covers facets that I think are not covered very much. She keeps the primacy of the gospel front & center for friendships & she addresses the danger of making friendships super insular and solely about entertainment & enjoyment.

[Brett Wiley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think Rebecca McLaughlin is a great Christian thinker and author. Her books Confronting Christianity and The Secular Creed were immensely helpful, and I hope she will write more in the cultural apologetics realm. I was excited to read this new book on friendship from her, and there were some really impactful thoughts in it for me, especially in the first half of the book. I would say I had to work really hard to finish the second half of the book. She lost me with some of her analogies of friendship, and I would say she keyed in on some specific ideas/examples that weren’t particularly engaging for me. I will continue to read her future works as I think she is a gift to the church today.