Smart Love: The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent and Your Child a Better Person

by Martha Heineman Pieper, William J. Pieper

Smart Love is a caring and patient approach to parenting created and tested by the husband-and-wife team of Dr. Martha Heineman Pieper and Dr. William J. Pieper. It replaces the old rewards-and-punishments style of parenting parenting as behavior modification which turns parents into disciplinarians, which they don t want to be, and which treats children as miniature adults, which they aren t. Smart Love enables parents to understand the world through the eyes of their child at each stage of development. To Smart Love is to cultivate children s inner happiness while managing their behavior in age-appropriate ways, which ensures that children will grow up well behaved, responsible, self-confident, and able to reach their full potentials.

Genres: Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Audiobook, Nonfiction, Family

249 pages, Hardcover

First published March 11, 1999

About the author

Smart Love Press has just published the second edition of Addicted to Unhappiness: How Hidden Motives for Unhappiness Keep You from Creating the Life You Truly Want, And What You Can Do. Carol Gilligan said, "To me, the thesis was riveting and instantly applicable. I see it all around me."
Smart Love Press published my second children's book, Jilly"s Terrible Temper Tantrums: And How She Outgrew Them in 2017. The first was the award-winning Mommy, Daddy, I Had a Bad Dream! which won thirteen awards including the IBPA Ben Franklin Award for best children's picture book of 2012. Jilly"s Terrible Temper Tantrums has won the Mom's Choice Gold Award, first place Storymonsters award, NAPPA Award, a Book Excellence Award and a Feathered Quill Award!
"“Five stars! I absolutely love this book from both a teaching perspective as well as helping parents use more effective discipline strategies." (M. Bartmess, Preschool Teacher)
"Very highly recommended" Midwest Book Review.
"This is a delightful book to guide our children through their
frustrations. We especially like the
message that Jilly’s parents will always love her, even in the midst of a temper
tantrum.” (NAPPA Director Elena Epstein).
"This book can work as an aid to talking to children about temper tantrums and helping build dialogue and communication to help work through the emotions that cause the melt downs in the first place." (Mrs. Mommy Booknerd).
Feathered Quill Judge: "I love the lesson taught here, and wish all parents would take this to heart. I wish you much luck on spreading the Loving Regulation and Smart Love Concept to everyone around the globe."
I am the co-author with William J. Pieper, M.D. of the bestselling parenting book: Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating, and Enjoying Your Child (reprinted by Smart Love Press, 2011: www.smartlovepress.com). We also co-authored the popular adult self-help book, Addicted to Unhappiness (McGraw-Hill, 2004) and for ten years wrote a parenting column, “Smart Love,” in Chicago Parent. I received my Ph.D. from the University of Chicago and my BA from Radcliffe College. Smart Love is the basis for Smart Love Family Services (http://www.smartlovefamily.org) which provides a broad spectrum of services to children and families, including counseling services, parent education, toddler programs, and a preschool. In addition to my own psychotherapy practice, I am the consultant to both the Smart Love Clinic and the Natalie G. Heineman Smart Love Preschool/Toddler Explorations.

Reviews

[Nara · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to really like this book. I want to really like this approach! My kid is working with the Smart Love people (they were the only therapist we found in our town who was recommended and taking patients) and I really want this to work for him.

I had to grit my teeth listening to this and remind myself over and over and over to be open-minded. I failed, I guess. I couldn't even listen all the way through (so take that as salt when reading this review).

I like their general goals - love and kindness to promote happiness and self-reliance - but the ways they talk about them make my teeth hurt from clenching. They're very One Right Way and Your Child's Everything Depends Entirely On You Getting It Right - which, there are more right ways to parent than wrong ways, okay? And there's a lot more that goes into a kid than parenting. Some of the stuff, about how infants - INFANTS - conceive of and attempt to replicate parental emotional care, seemed really dodgy to me. Also, I hate the term "intrapsychic humanism" with a passion - jargon CITY, what does it even MEAN - and I'm not really all that keen on "inner un/happiness" either.

Their ideas on no-punishment, no-reward parenting are not novel. Like, I've read Alfie Kohn's books, and I find them just as difficult to implement but so much easier to TAKE. Alfie Kohn does not cause visceral recoil in me with the terminology he uses or the statements he comes out with.

I also hate, and this is not the book but the practice, that the therapist gives my kid a BAG of candy every time he sees her - like, more candy than we otherwise would let him have over a several-day-period - and that the parent check-in meeting we had with them felt like an up-sell of their parenting practice and books and not an actual useful collaborative working session. He likes his therapist, so we're still there for now, but to be totally honest, I'm looking for a way to pull him that won't be a negative experience for him.

[Eliza · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nėra vieno būdo kaip auklėti vaikus. Tėvai yra skirtingi, jų pasaulėžiūra, gyvenimo ritmas ir požiūris į auklėjimą yra įvairūs, todėl kaip man netiko daug bandytų skaitytojų knygų apie vaikų auklėjimą, taip kažkam gali netikti ši. Bet man ji tinka puikiai. Gal vertimas (o gal moksliškai stilius) pradžioje apsunkina skaitymą, net kai jau įveiki autorių terminų reikšmes, pasidaro lengva.
Tai knyga paremta vaiko poreikių stebėjimu ir atliepimu į juos. Čia parodomi būdai kaip vaiką auklėti be smurto, be bausmių ir net be apdovanojimų. Autoriai teigia, kad vaikai turi du pagrindinius laimės šaltinius: pirminė laimė (tai santykis su tėvais, paremtas pasitikėjimu, kai tėvai visokeriopai atliepia vaikų poreikius(poreikiai ne užgaidos, tai pamatiniai dalykai tokie kaip pamaitinti,pamyluoti, išklausyti ir pan.)) ir antrinė laimė (kai vaikas išmoksta rasti džiaugsmą ne vien iš tėvų. Pvz.antrinės laimės šaltiniu tampa savarankiškas žaidimas). Be pirminės laimės vaikas(paauglys ar suaugęs) negalės būti laimingas (jaustis saugus, drąsus, iniciatyvus) ir susikurti antrinės laimės. Apžvelgiami pagrindiniai žmogaus (iki paauglystės) augimo etapai(pvz.augimo riboženklis - vaikas pradeda vaikščioti, tai reiškia tuo metu vaikas gali jausti didesnį poreikį būti nešiojamam, myluojamam, nes jo smegenyse įvyksta smarkūs pakeitimai), kaip tvarkytis, jeigu vaikui išsivystė vidinis nelaimingumas(būsena, kai žmogus jaučiasi nelaimingas, nepatenkintas savimi, agresyvus ir pan.). Vaikas pavyzdžiui pradeda skaudžiai trankyti galvą į sieną(tai galima vidinė nelaimingumo būsena, kai vaiko tam tikri poreikiai nėra patenkinami ir jis nežinodamas ką daryti arba jausdamas, kad jo poreikiai nesuprasti ir neatliepti save skriaudžia, nes taip suvokia tėvų jam teikiamą signalą - meilė - tai tavo poreikių neatliepimas, mūsų meilė gali kelti skausmą, todėl tokią būseną vaikas pats gali stengtis sau sukelti), kaip suprasti kas jam yra ir kaip jam padėti.
Man ši knyga labai tinka pagal pasaulėžiūrą, nes esu prieš smurtą, bausmių ir apdovanojimų sistema man nepatinka ir iš esmės prijaučiu Prieraišios tėvystės principams (kas nežino,tai čia nėra laisvasis auklėjimas ar ribų nebrėžimo auklėjimas). Šią knygą išleido Katalikų pasaulio leidiniai ir jeigu visi katalikai taip bent jau bandytų auklėti savo vaikus (o ne teisintų smurtą Biblija) manau gyventume visai kitoje visuomenėje ir jau tikrai matytume kitokią katalikų bažnyčią.
Labai rekomenduoju tėvams ir būsimiems tėvams. Bent jau susipažinkite su šios knygos idėjomis, perbriskite per porą skyrių. Tikrai verta bent jau dėl bendro nusimanymo apie auklėjimo būdus. Aš šią knygą vartau, kai mano vaikai vis pereina į kitą augimo stadiją ir iškyla naujas klausimas kaip reaguoti. Atsakymas visada būna panašus- atliepti jų poreikius, o ši knyga man kažkiek jų priekių paaiškina, tada, kai supranti kas daugmaž dedasi su vaiku lengviau jam padėti, o ir kantrybės atsiranda, nes supranti.

[Jennifer Miera · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow was this book outdated. I had trouble muddling through some of the sentences in the book because they were so needlessly wordy. The "smart love" concept they keep refering to in the book is only vaguely described at the beginning of the book and no real "tools" are given. That being said, there is some good information in here - that children who act out are coming from a place of "inner unhappiness" and that if we strengthen our connection with our kids and interact with them from a place of compassion, that much of the negative behavior will probably dissolve. Much prefer the book that recommended this title: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars because the loving regulation piece is working wonders (sometimes) with my guy who is struggling the most right now. I appreciate a lot of aspects of this book: looking at life from a child's perspective, recognizing the righteous fallibility of children's all-powerful selves, and not expecting every misstep to be a teachable moment. I also love the emphasis on the parents' love to heal and help, and the extraneous, distracting tactics of punishment and reward. But what this book fails to take into account is the context of a child's life--their own diagnoses, the struggles of family members, parents' difficulties dealing with all of that and ever-changing needs and behaviors. But since we are using Smart Love therapy, I'm grateful for the chance to read this book and will return to parts of it again and again.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

What I did take away from this was that I need to respond positively to my children, to let them know I love to help them, that they can count on me to take care of them because they are worth it.
I was torn. I bought into some of what they posited, but not all of it. I didn't listen to the end though, and they may have started in with suggestions for what to do with kids who weren't raised this way from the beginning.
The author claimed that kids who experience unhappy emotions early on, due to parents not responding lovingly to their needs, will later on seek unhappiness. The kids do this because their parents "wanted" the unhappiness for them initially when they didn't respond lovingly. Since the children trust that parents want what's best for them the kids will try to find a way back to that emotional state. They are comfortable in this unhappiness because it is something they know. I can see this in kids, though I don't know that the driving force is always exactly what the author claims.

[Edita Kazakevičienė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Išmintinga meilė trumpai – tai tėvišku rūpesčiu ir jautrumu vaiko poreikiams paremta drausmės alternatyva. H. ir W. J. Pieper yra be galo dideli pozityvistai ir visa jų knyga paremta pozityviu požiūriu į vaikų ir tėvų santykius. Jie paneigia, jog vaikai iš prigimties yra nepaklusnūs ir sunkiai kontroliuojami. Vaikų elgesį galima reguliuoti pozityviai ir brėžti konstruktyvias ribas. Taip, tai auklėjimas be bausmių, be apdovanojimų, tačiau turintis sveikas ribas.
https://profesionalimama.wordpress.co...

[Ramu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Viena iš geriausių knygų tėvams :)
Skyreliai suskirstyti pagal amžių, tad šią knygą atsiversiu dar ne kartą :)
Išsamiau apie knygą parašė kita narė - Eliza Mune - aš pritariu jos mintims :)

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I dunno.

This book kind of threw me for a parenting loop. Its philosophy is that, if a child is misbehaving, he/she has "inner unhappiness." If a parent disciplines her, her unhappiness grows even greater. The authors promote nurture over nature 100%, even saying that a child's personality is created by the actions of the parents. So: if your child has a difficult personality, it's because of his/her inner unhappiness, which YOU caused! Sheesh. Talk about a guilt trip.

They totally reject the idea of "tough love" and logical consequences, and aren't fans of either punishment or rewards. It was a really different way of looking at raising kids, that's for sure.

Nonetheless, I'm making note of some paragraphs I found interesting, for my own future reference mainly:

*Children burdened with inner unhappiness typically expect adults to misunderstand them and to criticize them. These children may unknowingly try to provoke hurtful interactions because of their needs to maintain their inner equilibrium through negative experiences. When adults understand this dynamic and respond to a child's mistakes and "transgressions" with understanding and compassion, the effect on the child can be profound.

*You can help your child to reduce his needs for causing himself unhappiness if you notice under which circumstances he tends to fall back on destructive pleasure or to create unpleasant experiences.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times a book cannot be adequately assessed immediately after an initial reading. Such a book for me was Smart Love. The book's basic premise is that children learn to crave inner unhappiness if they do not receive unconditional love from their parents. At the time I read it, I considered much of the parenting advice sound but Pieper's evaluation of children's misbehavior as nearly always stemming from inner unhappiness seemed ridiculous. While I still don't go to her extreme, I believe it to be true for many situations. I have reevaluated the book because, in the year since I have read it, I have frequently found myself deciding what to do as a parent based on her principles. When children misbehave, parents don't have to resort to punishments or rewards, but they also don't have to be permissive. I now truly believe the third way offered in the book of loving support, involvement, and encouragement to be the best way. Now if only I could learn to consistently live it!

[Kim Clement · Rating 4 out of 5]

I randomly checked this book out of the library about 9 years ago. It planted some of my best parenting seeds. The main idea is that when a child does something wrong, what is the best way to teach them? Is it to "punish" by showing disfavor or or putting in a corner (they were against time-out but I happen to like lime-out)? Their answer is no, being punitive is not the best teacher. They offer wonderful alternatives. Some more realistic than others.

A book that develops this idea more fully and is full of practical everyday solutions is "Parenting, A House United" by Nicholeen Peck.

I wrote a blog post on this book: http://clementplanet.blogspot.com/201...

[Blanche_in_Lakeview · Rating 5 out of 5]

My son Lukas goes to the Smart Love Preschool (Toddler Explorations Program) on the North Side of Chicago. The preschool is founded on the philosophy laid out here by the Piepers. It is a fast, easy read but is PACKED with good information! This book has great advice for those parents who are unsure of how to deal with a "temperamental toddler" or how to interpret various moods/signals of babies in general. Discusses how to do "loving regulation," and how to basically help you to raise kids in a disciplined environment while preserving their own-self esteem and self-worth. LOVE this book!

[Яна Хараланова · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ценна книга, която хвърля светлина върху различните етапи на израстване на детето. Дава практични насоки как да се справим в различни ситуации без да попада в модела "направи това и ще стане това". Не дава готови рецепти и оставя място за личността.

Имам забележки в частта с отбиването на детето. Съвета им детето да се отбие на годинка е неадекватен и малко противоречи на цялостата им концепция за напътствие съобразено с нуждите на детето.

[Alba · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book probably 4-5 years ago before I knew anything about attachment parenting. I remember liking it and thinking it was the best parenting book I had read thus far. I have meant to go back and re-read it now that I have adopted the attachment parenting style.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must for parents. It dispels the myth that the twos have to be terrible and provides moms and dads with the confidence to parent with--not against--your instincts. It is backed up by decades of experience by this husband and wife team of psychiatrists.

[Amy Edwards · Rating 3 out of 5]

Discipline, not punishment. This is a great book for all parents who want to help their children learn self-discipline, in a loving (but not lenient) way.

[Spencer Proffit · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the best parenting books I've ever read, helps me understand how a child develops better.

[Lubitsa Marcheva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Защото децата са любов!

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

really good for learning how kids need us to act like responsible adults!