Nooit meer drama: Leer grenzen aan te geven in ongezonde familierelaties

by Nedra Glover Tawwab, Ruud van de Plassche (Translator)

Deze Insta-psycholoog en bestsellerauteur leert je omgaan met ongezonde familierelaties.

In elke familie zijn er wel spanningen en onderliggende problemen die voor pijn, verdriet en conflicten kunnen zorgen. Als je deze ongezonde familiepatronen niet aanpakt, blijven ze terugkomen in elke (vriendschaps- of liefdes)relatie.

In Nooit meer drama leert gediplomeerd therapeut en relatieexpert Nedra Glover Tawwab je om disfunctionele gezinspatronen te identificeren. Aan de hand van praktische en wetenschappelijk onderbouwde adviezen helpt ze je moeilijke familiedynamieken te begrijpen en op te lossen.

Of je nu afwezige ouders, een dominante broer, afstandelijke bonuskinderen of een terughoudende schoonfamilie hebt, dit boek geeft je de tools om de controle over je eigen leven terug te pakken.

Over Gezonde grenzen :

‘Grenzen aangeven gaat bijna altijd gepaard met schuldgevoel. Tawwab legt uit dat als je dit ongemak er gewoon laat zijn, het vanzelf wegebt.’ Psychologie Magazine, boek van de maand

‘Voor eens en voor een handboek om eens écht grenzen te stellen. Dat grenzen het hart van allerlei mentale kwesties vormen, beschrijft Nedra Glover Tawwab treffend.’ Elle

‘Tawwabs schrijfstijl is vlot en makkelijk. Een aanrader voor iedereen die moeite heeft met grenzen stellen.’ Hebban

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Mental Health, Audiobook, Parenting

316 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 28, 2023

About the author

Therapist, NYT Bestselling Author, and Relationship Expert.

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed Tawwab's first book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, so I was excited to check out this one. Most people have boundary issues with their families or that's where a lot of issues start, so it makes logical sense that her next book would be about dealing with unhealthy family relationships. Tawwab also states that many of her therapy clients come in looking for help in "dealing with" something to do with their family. And coming from a dysfunctional family herself, she has a lot of helpful advice and tips. This book is divided into three sections - unlearning dysfunction, healing, and growing. The section on growing is all chapters about troubleshooting specific family relationships - parents, children, in-laws, blended families, etc. Tawwab gives good advice and continuously reminds the reader to give yourself grace if you're trying to work through unhealthy family dynamics. I like that each chapter starts with an example pulled from her own therapy clients or her Instagram comments or messages that highlight the topic of that chapter. She also includes a chart (p. 78) of the stages of change that explains the different levels of change for someone trying to deal with family dysfunction. I think this is helpful to show that all of this is a process and there are steps you can take along the way to having healthier family relationships. It's a quick read, but it's the kind of book you might want to have on hand to refer back to in the future. Overall, I think this is a great resource if you are trying to work on creating a drama free relationship with your family.

Some quotes I liked:

"In dysfunctional families, 'you're mature for your age' often means this:
- You know how to stay out of the way.
- You're an emotional confidant for an adult.
- You make more sense than others around you.
- You know how to be invisible.
- You don't cause problems." (p. 42)

"You survive when you don't repeat the cycle, but you thrive when you create a new legacy and trajectory. Conscious awareness and effort are what separate someone who thrives from someone who survives. You can consciously create a different life, and those who do are known as 'cyclebreakers.'" (p. 92)

"Teaching yourself what you were never taught is one of the most powerful ways to become a cyclebreaker." (p. 96)

"Inauthenticity becomes a big problem when we feel we must purchase a greeting card for a family member with whom we have a dysfunctional relationship...No one talks about how hard it is to find a card for a parent with whom you don't have a healthy relationship. Greeting cards are geared toward healthy relationships, and it can be sad to be reminded of what you don't have." (p. 239-40) [I very vividly remember Tawwab's IG post about this. I honestly felt like I was the only person who struggled with this until I saw the hundreds of comments from people who also struggled.]

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

"it's important to recognize that two things can be true at the same time. you can love your family and also have deep wounds due to those relationships."

i am grateful for this insightful and challenging book.

[Carly Chan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just ok for me. This book contains some good information in bite-sized pieces. Felt more like a bunch of Instagram posts put together than a book. Honestly that may be more tolerable for some. I am a mental health therapist myself and did not learn anything from the book. I would consider recommending it to clients who would like to do additional reading outside of session and would benefit from the format

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full review on my Instagram @TherapyBookNook, but upshot is this book is great. So much good info - #1, you can’t change other people. #2, you don’t HAVE to have relationships with people solely because they are your family!

[Bre Neumann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nedra’s Instagram is a great resource. The book was helpful, but it felt like it was Instagram posts formed into choppy chapters. I would have liked to have seen expansion on certain things and a more traditional chapter setup. That being said, still a great resource to aid in navigating dysfunctional family dynamics.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you struggle with any family relationships? Nedra has you covered in this book.

Biggest takeaway is you can’t change others, only yourself. And being sick and tired of something may just be when you are ready to change (or not). You get to decide.

Nedra is there along the way, explaining and proving helpful script options that you can use to open some conversation, or, alternatively shut them down.

This will be revisited and highlighted when it is officially out!

[Narcisa Chiric · Rating 5 out of 5]

O carte deosebită! Autoarea (psihoterapeut cu o experiență vastă) are ca idee principală în activitatea sa faptul că relațiile interumane și mai ales cele familiale ar funcționa mult mai bine dacă am stabili limite de la început care să fie respectate. Fiecare este dator să impună și să se asigure că limitele îi sunt respectate pentru a putea face funcțională o relație cât și pentru armonia proprie.

Pe lângă faptul că e o carte atât de bună, nu pot să nu remarc ceea ce mi-a atras atenția în mod deosebit. Informația prezentată este multă însă felul cum e scrisă (capitole scurte, ba sub formă de liste și scheme) o face atât de facilă și ușor de înțeles!

[Amar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. I appreciate how she breaks each concept into easily digestible pieces. You can apply these concepts to any relationship you have in your life — not just family. Really liked it. It remains simple — be direct with people about your thoughts, feelings, etc and things will be better! It’s when we are silent and say things like “I don’t like confrontation” that allow situations to go poorly or continue to stay negative.

[boat_tiger · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick read. It is full of helpful information for dealing with dysfunctional families. The only problem I had with it was her example of gaslighting. I don't feel it was an accurate depiction of actual gaslighting. I'm not sure she fully grasps the concept based on the example she gave. Otherwise, it was very insightful. Worth checking out of you're in or grew up in a dysfunctional family.

[Ty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not a self help reader, but this one really resonated with me. Whether or not you believe you have a good relationship with your family, I think this book is worth the read. It talks about what growing up in dysfunctional families look like, how to break the cycle of a dysfunctional family and provides tips on how to navigate building better relationships with family members or healthy ways to separate yourself if you feel you need to distance yourself from certain members of your family. I found this read extremely relatable, insightful and eyeopening. Not every section of this book I could relate to, but most of it I did and didn’t even realize I would. I think this could also be applied to other relationships outside of family like friendships and this is a book I could see myself referring back to in the future. This was a surprisingly good read and makes me interested to check out more from this author.

[Marissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some great journaling topics in this one. Came out of this one reminding myself to give myself grace more when trying to heal/work through certain familial relationships.

[Joann Castro · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved Nedra Glover Tawwab first book “Set Boundaries Find Peace”. It is such a great resource for me. Drama Free is another helpful resource but fell a little short for me. If you follow her on social media you will understand where I am coming from. I felt this book was like a snap shot of all her social media post which was disappointing.

[A. Housewife · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing really new. A solid presentation.

I liked chapter 6 which is explicit about the process a person takes getting ready to make change and how much goes on underneath the surface as a person prepares to shift but isn't there yet.

precontemplation
contemplation
preparation
action
maintenance

[Nilo0 · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب خوبی بود. درباره روابط خانواده از پدر و مادر و خواهر و برادر گرفته تا فرزند همسر و سایر اقوام شامل عمه‌، خاله، عمو و دایی و هرگونه مشکلی که ممکنه پیش بیاد که بخوایم ازشون فاصله بگیریم یا حتی حذفشون کنیم. حتی حذف پدر و مادر یا خواهر و برادر.
نکات خوبی داشت و دیدگاه خوبی از روابط بهم داد. هر بخش هم شامل مثال‌هایی از روی اتفاقات واقعی بود که بهتر بشه شرایط رو درک کرد.

[Marina Stanidis · Rating 2 out of 5]

“I asked my Instagram followers”

…..?????

[B · Rating 3 out of 5]

*3.75 stars

i was kind of bored reading it but i still highlighted a decent number of stuff!

"The truth is that during your childhood, you likely weren't allowed to be yourself, so as an adult, you're becoming more your true self. And it's healthy for you to figure out who you are, separate from who you were molded or told to be."

"I know it can be hard to apply general knowledge to family relationships. When it's family, we might make an unhealthy exception because–it's family. But we shouldn't make that mistake. Don't allow anyone to mistreat you, no matter who they are."

"A woman once told me that she put sugar in her spaghetti sauce. When I asked why, she said that's what her mother did. When the client asked her mother about it, she found out it came from her grandmother. No one knew why. I later mentioned to her that sugar cuts the acid in the tomatoes, which is why people typically add it. But it just goes to show that unless we question whether behaviors make sense, we might perpetuate them to the detriment of everyone in our family. Adding sugar has a purpose, but some of the things we may choose to mimic have no purpose at all."

"In most cases, we aren't really forgiving and forgetting; we are forgiving and repressing."

"Relationships are only healthy when they're by choice."

"Someone once told me, "No one else knows my mother is an alcoholic, and I'm too ashamed to tell anyone." This person often felt disconnected in their relationships because people didn't know an important part of their life. They told others a fictional version."

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read into how to navigate complex family dynamics. Overall, I found this to be a helpful read that I would recommend. I wished the author dived a little deeper into certain topics but I liked that the language used in the book was very easy to understand. The grouping of topics flowed really well too.

[AlinaG · Rating 3 out of 5]

Prezintă succint sfaturi despre cum se poate lucra la rezolvarea problemelor în familie. Oferă exemple de situații din familii disfunctionale, pune accent pe partea de alcool și substanțe, și totuși mi s-a părut că ceva lipsește.

[Saar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helder en duidelijk boek met een paar inzichten waar ik zelf helemaal nog niet had bij stil gestaan.

[Michaela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book, it offered alot of tips and insights on how to handle difficult family relationships. I will be gifting this to family members.

[jewelthinks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nedra Glover Tawwab writes no wrong. Her words have helped me for the past 3 years. She is able to easily break down complex topics.

Read her work to help make sense of tough family dynamics. I needed this book when I read it...

[Eaon]

I didn’t completely “finish” this book, but I read a majority while jumping over a few places that were not wholly applicable to me at this moment. Regardless, Nedra writes affirming prose to anybody in need of reassurance that sanity exists outside of your family.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook, which is read by the author, in a day (on 1.5 speed). I put this on hold months ago because a friend marked it as "to-read" and I was curious.

Great info everyone should know to help them improve their own relationships and have more compassion or be better supports for others. I hope this book reaches the people who need it the most, that they can recognize her words for the value and truth they contain, and are able to reduce relationship harm in their lives. There was nothing new for me since I knew what she discusses already, whether from college classes, online support forums, or life experience.

The info is all packaged up very nicely into a book about how to recognize unhealthy relationships and work toward having healthier ones. She writes in a very approachable style, has helpful anecdotes to illustrate concepts, walks you through how to think about situations, references the occasional study infrequently as necessary, provides thought-provoking questions at the end of each chapter, and a helpful FAQ with examples at the end of the book that incorporate different points addressed in the book. Since I did not read the physical book, I don't know how many citations or references there are.

The author was a great reader and I liked hearing the book how she wanted it to come across. She does pronounce the word "ask" as "aks," but that's easy to ignore.

[Kelly (kellyreadingbooks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Choosing yourself becomes the only option for having the life you want. At some point, staying the same clearly means choosing dysfunction."

This author's first book "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" is one of my favorite self-improvement tools of all time. While this one didn't quite resonate as much with me because a lot of the content had to do with raising children, I still gleaned some nuggets from this one as well! Nedra Tawwab writes clearly and concisely while also acknowledging the complicated emotional components of all relationships. I would recommend reading both of these books if you are a people pleaser or would like to improve all the relationships you have in your life. I'd also highly suggest picking up this author's first book even if "self-improvement" books are not typically your thing, because this is like a therapy session inside of a book than advice from a random influencer.

[Aïda Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you want to break the cycle of generational trauma in your family for your own peace of mind and/or possible future generations? Could some of your family members use some (more) therapy, but are they unwilling to learn or try in the first place? Do you want to stick to healthy choices and be able to say no to things that aren’t good for you, even if it involves parents, siblings and/or extended family? If the answer is yes to all or any of the above, read this book. You’ll thank yourself later.

[Natalie Kucharik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read - would recommend to anyone. The book is full of statements that you probably already intrinsically knew but didn't know how to put into words. I found myself highlighting phrases on almost every page. It's written in short tidbits, so if that isn't your style, keep that in mind.

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really appreciate Nedra Glover Tawwab’s clear, kind, and firm examples of things to say to navigate all sorts of complicated family dynamics. I personally would have appreciated more of a deep dive into certain sections, but I don’t think that was the scope of this book. If you read this one and want more examples of boundary setting/the language around it, it works well in conjunction with the author’s other book, Set Boundaries: Find Peace.

[Neem Serra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it, very digestible. Lots of intro stuff that I learned in therapy but it was nice to see it all presented cohesively together. Really appreciated a lot of direct example responses that I can use in my every day life

[Bryony Crain · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a counselor myself this was fairly introductory, although I did get a few good nuggets out of it. I think this would be good for someone who is at the very beginning stages of contemplating making changes in their family relationships.

[Bomnuri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never thought that 246 pages of a book could heal me so much. If you have any family issues I highly advise you to read this book. You can also write me if you want, you are not alone and I will be more than happy to hear your story. No one should struggle alone.