Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

by Lewis B. Smedes

In Forgive & Forget, Lewis B. Smedes show you how to move form hurting and hating to healing and reconciliation. With the lessons of forgiveness, you can establish healthier relationships, reclaim the happiness that should be yours, and achieve lasting peace of mind.

Genres: Self Help, Christian, Psychology, Nonfiction, Christianity, Theology, Spirituality

176 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1984

About the author

Lewis Benedictus Smedes (1921 — December 19, 2002) was a renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. He was a professor of theology and ethics for twenty-five years at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. His 15 books, including the popular Forgive and Forget, covered some important issues including sexuality and forgiveness.

Lewis Benedictus Smedes was born in 1921, the youngest of five children. His father, Melle Smedes, and mother, Rena (Benedictus), emigrated to the United States from Oostermeer, Friesland in the Netherlands. (Rena's name before being changed by the officials at Ellis Island was Renske.) When he was two-months-old, his father died in the partially completed house he built in Muskegon, Michigan. He married Doris Dekker. He died after falling from a ladder at his home in Sierra Madre, California on December 19, 2002. He was survived by his wife, three children, two grandchildren and one brother.

In addition to many articles, Smedes wrote many popular books including:

* Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Harper, 1984
* A Pretty Good Person What it Takes to Live with Courage, Gratitude, & Integrity or When Pretty Good Is as Good as You Can Be, Harper, 1990
* Standing on the Promises
* Choices: Making Right Decisions in a Complex World
* How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?
* Caring & Commitment: Learning to Live the Love We Promise
* The Incarnation in Modern Anglo-Catholic Theology
* All Things Made New
* Love Within Limits
* Sex for Christians
* Mere Morality: What God Expects From Ordinary People
* A Life of Distinction
* The Art of Forgiving
* Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve
* Keeping Hope Alive
* My God and I, a Spiritual Memoir, Eerdmans, 2003

Reviews

[Kathrynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Masterfully written with a theological emphasis. Forgive and Forget is divided into 4 parts. Part I is The Four Stages of Forgiving, which I thought was a little slow to get into and wondered if I would finish the book. Glad I did.

Part II Forgiving People Who Are Hard to Forgive resonated with me. This part talked about various acts from hurtful feelings by close friends and family, to rapes, crime victims, human atrocities. The author eloquently provided insightful comments as to how to go about forgiving. He even mentioned that some things are so unforgivable we have to let it go (for ourselves) and let God handle it.

The primary theme I got from this short, easy to read book was that NOT forgiving can eat away at our souls, fundamentally changing us. To stay angry at a person changes us and wastes energy. Forgiving doesn't mean we forget. Doesn't mean we aren't angry. It just means we have chosen to put the past behind us and move on. The stages of forgiveness indicate that once we no longer wish someone harm, we are on the road to forgiveness. It doesn't mean we want to be friends with them anymore, but we no longer carry around a seed of hate. Seeds grow...

Part III was How People Forgive and I found it very interesting that there are different ways to let go of anger and move on. It takes time. The section on Confusion mentioned having a disagreement with someone that manifested itself over time and to a point that we no longer remembered what we were angry about. Over time the reason we were angry slips away, but we stay angry because of the length of time we harbored hard feelings. What a predicament! Also, it is important to forgive freely, not be manipulated into forgiving.

Part IV Why Forgive explained how detrimental it is on our souls to harbor anger, resentment and hatred toward other people. Some people we need to cut from our lives, but let the anger go. It takes time, sometimes years before we are able to completely forgive a person who wronged us. And it was impossible to completely forgive a person who was no longer alive. Best to clear the air before it is too late.

There were numerous examples from the author's past as well as stories he was aware of. Example stories included: infidelity, rape, incest, good friend stabbing you in the back, co-worker stabbing you in the back, family squabbles, etc.

Excellent book and another favorite from This Reader.

[Bill Braun · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are many good books on forgiveness. I found this one most helpful for its way of describing the hurts we experience and offering clear and practical ways of understanding that hurt. The book's title is a little misleading, insofar as the author does not advocate forgetting in the sense of simply putting it out of mind. The forgetting has to do with ceasing to relive the people and the events that caused us hurt and turning our attention to healing.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provided an excellent look into the what and the why of forgiveness, but it was not quite so helpful when it came to the how.

The book details what forgiveness is as well as what it is not (it is not, by the way, forgetting, despite the title Forgive & Forget). This detail helps a person to have reasonable expectations about what he will be able to do when he forgives. The definition also helps one to become more self-aware of whether or not he is actually forgiving. In addition to defining forgiveness, the book overviews the different types of offenses for which we must forgive people.

Then the author tackles “why” we must forgive (for the sake of ourselves as the forgivers even more than for the sake of the forgiven), and this was very convincing. Knowing “why” we must forgive does increase the motivation to forgive.

However, the author didn’t offer much in the way of “how.” How does one who knows what forgiveness is and why he has to forgive, and who wants to forgive, actually forgive when he is struggling to do so? There the book was lacking.

The book makes wonderful use of literary examples and parables, but I think the author used too many examples from his own personal life.

The book is by a Christian author, but it is not particularly heavy on the explicit Christian references; in fact, they are few and far between, and so this book may be useful to non-Christians as well.

[Bill · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Christian approach to healing after life's pains that isn't wimpy, maudlin or preachy. The author gives some good examples of hard life experiences and admits openly the slow, difficult path to forgiveness of others as well as ourselves. For those tired of the "steps" process (i.e. healing is NOT a step by step process but a journey to live) this is a good, basic book.

[Randy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written book that approaches human-to-human forgiveness from the theraputic angle (i.e., forgiving in order to escape negative emotions.) However, this view marginalizes forgiveness and trivalizes sin.

[Fuad Alsultan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a 3 star book in my opinion. It's based on Christian believes and therefore I could not digest all what's written. Though, the author gave some good insights in some chapters. I needed to forgive myself for a couple of wrongdoings that I did, and after reading this book I believe I am now better and closer to forgive myself than I was before.

I likes the idea that even after hurting someone, we should not look at ourselves as bad people through out our repentance time. Our bad feeling for hurting others should get us out of hating ourselves for what we did, because what we want to be tomorrow, should not be affected by what we already did in the past.

I like how we wish those who hurt us well, is a sign that we already forgave them or in our way to.

Forgiveness takes time, might take several trials too. We shall understand some circumstances that led others hurt us and always remember that love got us into this and love will get us out of it.

[Li · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give it a 3 1/2, actually. It was very well written; the author certainly can paint a picture with words, which made it a fairly easy read. I thought there were a couple of contradictions, and I disagreed greatly with one major aspect (which he seemed to later contradict himself about). It did a really good job of defining "what" forgiveness is and what types of acts the author believes to be needing of forgiveness, but the "how" is obviously easier said than done and more ambivalent. Overall, though, I would recommend it, if for nothing else, to reinforce some key concepts.

[Leila · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Nobody can make you forgive.
Only a free person can choose to live with an uneven score.
Only free people can choose to start over with someone who has hurt them. Only a free person can live with accounts unsettled. Only a free person can heal the memory of hurt and hate.
When you forgive another person you are surprised at your own freedom to do what you did. All the king's armies could not have forced you to do it. You forgive in freedom and then you move on to greater freedom. Freedom is strength; you now you have it when you have the power to forgive."

[Amir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learned that if you love yourself, you should not hate anyone!anyone no matter how much you have been betrayed! Holding hatred inside yourself is more harm for you than the person being hated! Basically no hurt to the person and more like holding a fire of hell burning you from inside! Not a smart way. Was very helpful for me.

[Cws]

234.5

[Donner Tan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've ever read on the subject of 'forgiveness'. It is written with wit, biblical wisdom, practicality and compassion. It first disabuses you of all the caricatures of what forgiveness is - excusing, tolerating, condoning, etc. Then, as usual, Smedes comes at the subject with his typical hard-nosed treatment. In forgiving someone, the sin has to be grappled with for what it is - wrong, unfair, evil and hurtful. One should not simply gloss over and get over it but take it into account, experience deeply the horrendous evil that it is and call it to curse. It is in confronting sin as it is and coming to grips with the the deep hurts that it brings, that one could ever go on to slowly let go of the associated onslaught of anger and resentment. It is a long journey for most and one might have to forgive the same sin by the same person over and over again. One comes to know that forgiveness is beginning to bear fruit when one begins to see the adversary with new ('magic') eyes and the event of the hurt with a new perspective that sets one's heart free to love. While the goal of forgiveness includes the healing of the aggrieved, it also opens up the real possibility of reconciliation. But Smedes wisely cautions that reconciliation takes two parties and on this side of eternity, forgiveness needs not hang on reconciliation for its completion. This is as realistic as one can get.

In recent years, Smedes has been criticised (unfairly IMHO) for operating too much under the therapeutic mode and falling short of the reconciliation aimed at by the biblical ideals by such books as 'Embodying Forgiveness' by Gregory Jones. While the latter is a fine book to be read profitably in its own right, its critique of Smedes is in my reading wide off the mark. Smedes was charged as advocating a kind of forgiveness that is aimed primarily at healing the individual's hurts and ignoring the larger issues of sins, culpability, repentance and reconciliation. I think given Smedes' more modest aim in focusing on the discipline and experience of forgiveness in this book, he has simply been criticised for not writing beyond the scope of what he intends to focus on.I think this book should simply be taken on its own merits. One has to read it to see that Smedes writes not only with academic precision but also hard-won compassion culled from the tough work of forgiving your debtors in this broken world. It is an immensely liberating and life-transforming work!

[Prabhat sharma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forgive and Forget- Healing the hurts We don’t deserve by Lewis B. Smedes- Part 1- the Four stages of Forgiving-(1) we hurt (2) We hate (3) we heal ourselves (4) we come together. Relationship between two persons- husband -wife, boss -subordinate colleague, friends, enemies, brother sister are part of our life. They have helped you in ups and downs of life. Therefore, we must pardon them if there is any issue. Part 2- Forgiving people who are hard to forgive-(1) forgiving the invisible people, (2) forgiving the people who do not care, (3) forgiving ourselves, (4) forgiving monsters (5) forgiving God. This chapter talk about Parents. If parents have been strict disciplinarians and children have developed a hard spot for them, they should understand that whatever parents have done for children, it is with an understanding that this act done or not done is for welfare of children. Therefore, children must forgive the parents. Tough idea in the book is forgive God. Author recommends that unlike all people, it is possible that a person does not get any opportunity in life at the proper time. He has to miss opportunities. This is competition. To be fair to oneself, one must develop spirit of competition and forget God for missed opportunities. Part 3- How people forgive (1) slowly, (2) With little understanding, (3) in confusion, (4) with anger left over, (5) a little at a time, (6) freely, or not at all, (7) with a fundamental feeling, Part 4- (1) forgiving makes life fairer, (2) forgiving is a better risk, (3) forgiving is stronger, (4) forgiving fits faulty people. Topic of the book is relevant for all.

[Gail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of it were really good. I appreciated the examples he used - some from his own life, many from others he's counseled.
Two quotes I liked - Page 87 - When I complain to God: "Where were you when I needed you?" I think he says, in a still small voice, "I was there hurting with you."
Page 136 - There is (something called) a redemptive remembering. There is a healing way to remember the wrongs of our irreversible past, a way that can bring hope for the future aling with our sorrow for the past. Redemptive remembering keeps a clear picture of the past, but it adds a new setting and shifts its focus. Redemptive remembering drives us to a better future, it does not nail us to a worse past.

[Fred · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to know about forgiveness, this is the place to start. Smedes' book is a clear, passionate thoughtful book about all aspects of forgiveness. He explains what forgiveness is, how it happens (slowly) and why it is so important. He does not dodge any questions and offers no easy answers. But this book will help you if you are struggling with an undeserved hurt or feeling hatred because of a wrong against you and wondering if you should forgive. Actually this book will help any thoughtful human being because sooner or later all of us will deal with hurt and forgiveness. Smedes has written three books on this topic. Start here and work to the others.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

Right from the beginning, this author makes it clear that he knows his reading audience: "Somebody hurt you, maybe yesterday, maybe a lifetime ago, and you cannot forget it. You did not deserve the hurt. It went deep, deep enough to lodge itself in your memory. And it keeps on hurting you now (xi)." And, truth be told, this is an author who knows his audience, as this is one book (and a fairly early example, coming from 1984) in a fairly popular genre [1]. This is a book that knows its place within the larger context of the works on the subject, and an author that speaks about forgiveness from the best point of view to have, of someone who has struggled to forgive others, and someone who knows deeply what it is like to be forgiven. From this perspective, and from someone who has read a great deal of literature on the subject of forgiveness and related concerns and internalized them, the result is a compelling book about what it means to forgive, and the process of forgiveness from both sides, and the eventual goals and purposes of forgiveness in the face of a world that often seeks to dodge the problem.

The contents of this book are pretty comprehensive, especially for a book of about 150 pages. The book begins with a fable of the magic eyes, and closes with a brief conclusion called a postlude. The rest of the materials are of the book are made up of four parts. The first part of the book talks about the four stages of forgiveness (hurting, hating, healing, and reconciliation) and some nice things that forgiveness is not. The second part of the book talks about forgiving people who are hard to forgive (invisible people, people who do not care, ourselves, monsters, and God). The third part of the book talks about how people forgive (slowly, with a little understanding, in confusion, with anger left over, a little at a time, freely or not at all, and with a fundamental feeling). The fourth part of the book gives reasons to forgive in the face of those who think forgiveness to be a copout from the need for justice, such as the way it makes life fairer, a better risk than revenge, stronger, and fitting faulty people like ourselves. The author never forgets to remind the reader that we are both in the position of needing to be forgiven and needing also to forgive, pointing out to the reader that the Gospels consistently connect our forgiveness with our forgiving, something that ought to give all of us pause.

Given that forgiveness and reconciliation are not exactly new subjects to write about, and probably were not even remotely new in the 1980s when the author was writing this book, does this book deliver the goods? Is it worth reading more than thirty years later? In a word, yes. What makes this book worthwhile? It manages to combine personal experience, evidence of having done impressive reading and research, sound biblical exegesis, and practical tips. All of these make it a worthwhile book, even if the subject material of the book is not very pleasant. What sort of things does this book talk about forgiving? The murder of family members by police/military action. Rape, sexual abuse, bullying, adultery, and so on. This is not a call to forgive people for being slow in traffic, as irritating as that may be, but for serious offenses that wound people for their entire lives and that have generational ripples. Forgiveness and reconciliation are by no means easy matters, but this is a good book to encourage people to go through the process, as difficult and awkward as it is for all of us. As the author reminds us at the close of his excellent book, "If you are trying to forgive; even if you manage forgiving in fits and starts, if you forgive today, hate again tomorrow, and have to forgive again the day after, you are a forgiver. Most of us are amateurs, bungling duffers sometimes. So what? In this game nobody is an expert. We are all beginners (151)."

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...

[Glenda Light · Rating 4 out of 5]

A small volume written in a readable style including practical examples of forgiveness. Forgiving is presented as a healing act for both the wronged and the wrongdoer, but not as an easily accomplished act. Presents a list of things that forgiveness is not, things we hide behind in the name of forgiveness. A little confused by the title, Forgive and Forget, because I am not sure that forgetting IS forgiving, but definitely some thought provoking material.

[Rhona McFerran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands-down the best book I've ever read on forgiveness!!! This is a masterclass on what forgiveness is, what it isn't, why we forgive, how to forgive, and what calls for it in the first place.

This book is an invaluable guide to navigating the hurt and finding true forgiveness and healing. In this chaotic world full of overwhelming emotions and complicated relationships, "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" is a MUST-READ for every human!!!

[Josie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read this 2 times now, as forgiving a BIG thing is an ongoing process. The first time I feel it didnt help much because the wound was still fresh. Now its been awhile and I can apply some of it. If you need help forgiving this may help but dont expect a magic pill. You still have to do all the hard work of applying what you have read.

[Christi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m torn on this one. There are some things I read that were really great and really helped me, but there was a good chunk of the book that I just didn’t really identify with or particularly enjoy. I don’t think I would read this again, but I did highlight some things that I would go back and review for sure.

[Ann Miller · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author tackles the dilemmas of forgiving people who are hard to forgive, how to forgive, and why to forgive. He also writes about what to do with the leftover anger once we’ve been able to forgive. And he addresses the topics of forgiving oneself and forgiving God. There are other books on the subject of forgiveness which are much more helpful than this one.

[Cecely · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is, hands down, one of the best books I have ever read. It is concise, clear, and realistic while remaining warm and relatable and truly helpful. I wish the author was still alive so I could write my thanks to him. God bless his spirit. I hope he rests in peace.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

The information was helpful, but the book is rather out of date.

[Michelle Brooksby · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very helpful book.

[Virendra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice book

[Deanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found Forgive & Forget to be very insightful. I came away from the book with far more understanding than when I started reading. Coming away from this book as I did has provided me another level of peace and comfort.

Forgiveness is tricky business and I don't quite understand all the intricacies of it but I do understand the importance. I also now have a better grasp of the emotions involved in this whole business of forgiveness. One of the troubles of forgiveness is understanding where emotions of wrongs felt and done fit into the act of forgiveness. I have read some reviews where readers are dissatisfied to an extent because the book doesn't explain the "how to" of forgiveness. While Forget & Forgive doesn't give you a step by step plan for how to forgive, I do believe the content's depth and the insightfulness gained gives a person the "how to" of forgiveness plan. It's just not spelled out.

For me, this book validated thoughts and emotions along with helping me to start to release them in a healthy way. Forgiveness, for some situations, may seem like the offender gets away with their bad deeds. In truth, even if the offender is not remorseful, forgiveness sets free the offended. I have heard that before but this book explained this process in a way that makes sense. I now believe this to be true - to forgive is to gain freedom while not negating the depth of hurt or giving the offender a free pass per se.

Not only was the content full of depth and insightfulness, the writing was incredibly engaging. Seriously, I wrote many quotes down simply because of the words Lewis Smedes would use. His word choices were down to earth and straight to the topic at hand while giving incredible thought provoking examples to illustrates his points.

One of my favorite quotes...

"Once we forgive and learn to swallow history's stinking garbage without throwing up, we condition ourselves to digest the worst the monsters of the future can force down our throats." P.134

(Note: the quote, when taken out of context, seems to imply a case against forgiveness when read in context he is not making this case.)

I recommend this book for a better understanding regarding forgiveness; it dives into the emotions of it all. For more understand for how to apologize and to understand ones apology language (which is important for the entire forgiveness proceeds) - I recommend the When Sorry Isn't Enough.

Note: the copy I read of Forgive & Forget was a library copy. This book's insightfulness, helpfulness and engaging writing prompted me to purchase a copy so that I can re-read various parts and highlight the many quotes and passages that struck me.

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent and very readable book on forgiveness and healing

[Aurora Bennet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Soooo gooood. Must read! so glad I stumbled into this one, came at the right time.

[Nmdb22 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I gave this book 4 stars, not for the writing - not well written - but for the one liners and helpful suggestions that seemed to make sense. It is not profound; not a deep treatment of the topic; and though written by a religious figure, is not overly religious. I liked the title "...Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" and the way the concept is broken down in simple terms. The chapter headings and categories were more useful than the examples and narrative. It helped me.

[Azimah Othman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must for those who need to come out from big time dissappointment or betrayal as one whole and to understand what forgiving really is. Forgiving does not mean condoning or saying that it's alright to hurt others. It is really for the forgiver to heal. It does not matter whether the forgiven knows it or not.

[Carole · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read an article recently on forgiveness and this book was referenced several times so I decided to read this and delve deeper into the study of forgiveness. It's interesting and worth reading for just about anyone, since the message of forgiveness is something we all need to hear, but a little repetitive.