What do you think?
Rate this book
Engaging Today's Prodigal: Clear Thinking, New Approaches, and Reasons for Hope
Many families today experience the profound guilt and shame filled pain of seeing a child walk away from their faith and values. Churches and parents feel powerless to change the relationship and engage the prodigal in positive ways. Carol Barnier has the insight to help. She left the faith of her pastor father, became an active atheist, debated Christians, and explored a variety of worldviews before she found the truth in a relationship with Jesus. But far more than her personal story, Engaging Today's Prodigal equips readers with a better understanding of a prodigal's motivation, useful responses that won't prevent reconciliation, clear boundaries to protect themselves and other children, actions to take when you know you have contributed to the problem, and the value of realistic expectations. With effective wit and humor, Carol provides material relevant for churches, parents and even the prodigals themselves. Can your family or church interact with a prodigal in ways that build a relationship bridge that can provide a way back home when they are ready? Let Engaging Today's Prodigal equip you with clear, specific actions that can overcome the shame, hurt, and loss to bring real hope for the future.
176 pages, Paperback
First published March 21, 2012
46 people are currently reading
65 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
October 30, 2025
I am not sure where I picked this up. It might've been at a Revive Our Hearts online conference.
It is interesting to me that while there are many similarities, some of the approaches are the opposite of some of those in Os Guinness' "Fools' Talk."
"Fools' Talk" involves a particular communication style. "Engaging Today's Prodigal" involves more silence, presuming all the conversation's already been done, and focuses more on relationship.
I like the "Engaging Today's Prodigal" part on the parenting myths. Some of those I've talked with another parent about, without success: "Perfect Parenting Makes for Perfect Children" and "It's My Fault - It Says So in the Bible."
My friend says that if I don't believe that Proverb 22:6 is a promise, then I don't believe the Bible. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
In talking with her about this, I discovered that she doesn't have a mental category for determining the context and intent of a passage, which, to my way of thinking, opens her up to disillusionment when God doesn't keep promises He never made.
I think most of the Bible is pretty clear, and I embrace the statement that it's "a letter to children." "The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple." - Psalm 119:130.
But we have to balance that with "Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth." - 2 Timothy 2:15.
So, there is a place for letting scripture speak the obvious to us, but there is also a place for study and work in understanding it. Part of that is understanding context. Most of us inherently know we can't take quotes out of context, including promises. We aren't all each individually going to bear a son and name him Isaac, for example. And yet that's sometimes how people treat the Bible.
The context for Proverbs 22:6, and indeed, all of the book of Proverbs is, "The Proverbs of Solomon ..." So it becomes important to know what a proverb is and is not. It is a general bit of wisdom. To my engineering mind, it is a "most-likely outcome", but it is NOT a promise. Yes, Proverbs were inspired by God, but they were inspired by God to be proverbs, not to be promises, as are found elsewhere in scripture.
So, in order to be true as a proverb, the Proverb 22:6 passage could have 80% of kids throughout time not departing from the way they've been raised. That would still be true as a proverb, but still have 20% of kids that don't.
There are other things to ponder in this proverb, too, and which I don't want to argue, about whether or not it's a good thing or a bad thing whether kids follow the way they've been trained.
I thought that this author, Carol Barnier, did a good job handling this proverb, but I suspect my friend will still find it unconvincing. I've shown her a couple of articles which haven't convinced her, and she still perceives my analysis of it as not believing the Bible.
It disturbs me a little when people take things to be promises that aren't ... I am always afraid they will be doubly-disillusioned if it doesn't come true, and perhaps disillusioned in God as well.
What would I say to all those parents who put their hope in that verse as a promise, rather than as a proverb? ... I don't know, because hope is a very fragile, essential thing, but we want to put our hope in the right things. I would say to put your hope in God Himself.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills —
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121: 1, NIV
The other myths are
3) I can rescue him.
4) This child just wants to push my buttons.
5) If I can say the perfect thing, my child will finally get it.*
6) If I can let her known how badly she's hurting us, she'll stop.
7) My mistakes will scar her forever.
Of the above, #5 is the one I'm most tempted to believe.
The most encouraging chapter, to me, was "Save something for your non-prodigals." I feel like that's something we've done.
I like the analogy of "You are not a fish," in that you don't have to take the bait. You can think things through and decide.
I also like her analogy of searching for the perfect persuasive argument to guessing Rumplestiltskin's name.
Favorite quotes:
"Having an influence is not the same as having control."
"She was angry that ~ didn't allow her to be the Grand Rescuer... 'In retrospect, my arrogance was breathtaking.'"
"The role of Messiah has already been filled. You need a new job."
"Our buttons say more about our vulnerabilities and weaknesses than they do about our children. Or perhaps they address our expectations."
From the viewpoint of a prodigal: "I was self-propelled, self-motivated, self-reflective, and self-absorbed... I was taking care of myself, and I assume you - the adult in this equation - would do the same for yourself."
"Especially young people in personal emotional pain - cannot see or feel beyond themselves."
"Your child's chosen direction has to play out before he'll even be willing to consider the possibility that it might have been a poor choice."
"Vigorously defend your time together during this [fun] activity against any ugly exchanges."
"Do you remember any other qualities that she has?"
"The concrete laws of God cannot fail to affect them, whether they recognize the source of that influence or not. The Bible continues to be whole, holy, relevant, true, healing, centering, and valid."
"Try not to automatically disagree with every viewpoint your child makes."
"You are now the only Bible that your child is reading. You will have to be the words of Jesus. Let her see Him in your life, your responses, and your love. Let her feel your peace in the face of her tension. Let her sense your assurance in a world that offers few assurances."
"The prompt or catalyst [for change is one] that you would never have predicted."
"Stop searching for those perfect words or that magical key that will unlock your child's ability to see his situation in a crystal clear light. Not only is it a fruitless exercise, it can increase the divide between you and this child."
"How frustrating it must be for them to never have a regular conversation with us because we are doggedly determined to use each encounter to find and deliver that magical key."
"The problem is that the object of these prayers is often unaware they are being prayed for. From their perspective, it looks the same as abandonment. All that said, I was still surprised that no one found me worth fighting for."
"I view Luann [who reasoned with her] as the face of Jesus to a confused mind during a difficult season... "to show me that I was still valued, that there was a Christian somewhere on the planet who could disagree with me 100 percent and still find me valuable and lovable." She had "kindness, gentleness, respect, concern, lack of condemnation."
"Keep your walking-wounded radar up" to talk to other prodigals. "Listen for the nudge of the Holy Spirit."
"His response directed ~ to just keep seeking Jesus. Take it a day at a time. Let God reveal what needs to be a part of your view and what needs to change. The pastor trusted that God could direct this woman in His own time. As long as she was actively seeking the truth, he knew she would find it."
"God sometimes just says no."
"It takes a marked degree of maturity not to blame Jesus for the mistakes and abuses of His followers."
"I almost think it's fun for Him, for I've seen Him take the most ugly and unlikely experiences of my life and somehow use them as part of something good, something beautiful... He can astound us all with His ability to take those same horrid circumstances and use them to make something beautiful and new."
"We may find that we are so uncomfortable around sin that we no longer know how to share Christ's love with the sinner. We no longer know how to speak to the woman at the well."
"I felt like the mistakes I was choosing to make were irreversible. And that if my family was giving up on me, then I felt that God was too."
"someone who won't be pious and judgmental, but will still call them to repentance and reconciliation."
"The fear of being judged as a failure or not good enough is a powerful force that keeps most kids away. Whether we like it or not, we need the reassurance that we are loved, accepted, cherished, and above all, good enough, no matter what." None of us are "good enough." That's why Jesus came.
It is interesting to me that while there are many similarities, some of the approaches are the opposite of some of those in Os Guinness' "Fools' Talk."
"Fools' Talk" involves a particular communication style. "Engaging Today's Prodigal" involves more silence, presuming all the conversation's already been done, and focuses more on relationship.
I like the "Engaging Today's Prodigal" part on the parenting myths. Some of those I've talked with another parent about, without success: "Perfect Parenting Makes for Perfect Children" and "It's My Fault - It Says So in the Bible."
My friend says that if I don't believe that Proverb 22:6 is a promise, then I don't believe the Bible. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
In talking with her about this, I discovered that she doesn't have a mental category for determining the context and intent of a passage, which, to my way of thinking, opens her up to disillusionment when God doesn't keep promises He never made.
I think most of the Bible is pretty clear, and I embrace the statement that it's "a letter to children." "The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple." - Psalm 119:130.
But we have to balance that with "Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth." - 2 Timothy 2:15.
So, there is a place for letting scripture speak the obvious to us, but there is also a place for study and work in understanding it. Part of that is understanding context. Most of us inherently know we can't take quotes out of context, including promises. We aren't all each individually going to bear a son and name him Isaac, for example. And yet that's sometimes how people treat the Bible.
The context for Proverbs 22:6, and indeed, all of the book of Proverbs is, "The Proverbs of Solomon ..." So it becomes important to know what a proverb is and is not. It is a general bit of wisdom. To my engineering mind, it is a "most-likely outcome", but it is NOT a promise. Yes, Proverbs were inspired by God, but they were inspired by God to be proverbs, not to be promises, as are found elsewhere in scripture.
So, in order to be true as a proverb, the Proverb 22:6 passage could have 80% of kids throughout time not departing from the way they've been raised. That would still be true as a proverb, but still have 20% of kids that don't.
There are other things to ponder in this proverb, too, and which I don't want to argue, about whether or not it's a good thing or a bad thing whether kids follow the way they've been trained.
I thought that this author, Carol Barnier, did a good job handling this proverb, but I suspect my friend will still find it unconvincing. I've shown her a couple of articles which haven't convinced her, and she still perceives my analysis of it as not believing the Bible.
It disturbs me a little when people take things to be promises that aren't ... I am always afraid they will be doubly-disillusioned if it doesn't come true, and perhaps disillusioned in God as well.
What would I say to all those parents who put their hope in that verse as a promise, rather than as a proverb? ... I don't know, because hope is a very fragile, essential thing, but we want to put our hope in the right things. I would say to put your hope in God Himself.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills —
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121: 1, NIV
The other myths are
3) I can rescue him.
4) This child just wants to push my buttons.
5) If I can say the perfect thing, my child will finally get it.*
6) If I can let her known how badly she's hurting us, she'll stop.
7) My mistakes will scar her forever.
Of the above, #5 is the one I'm most tempted to believe.
The most encouraging chapter, to me, was "Save something for your non-prodigals." I feel like that's something we've done.
I like the analogy of "You are not a fish," in that you don't have to take the bait. You can think things through and decide.
I also like her analogy of searching for the perfect persuasive argument to guessing Rumplestiltskin's name.
Favorite quotes:
"Having an influence is not the same as having control."
"She was angry that ~ didn't allow her to be the Grand Rescuer... 'In retrospect, my arrogance was breathtaking.'"
"The role of Messiah has already been filled. You need a new job."
"Our buttons say more about our vulnerabilities and weaknesses than they do about our children. Or perhaps they address our expectations."
From the viewpoint of a prodigal: "I was self-propelled, self-motivated, self-reflective, and self-absorbed... I was taking care of myself, and I assume you - the adult in this equation - would do the same for yourself."
"Especially young people in personal emotional pain - cannot see or feel beyond themselves."
"Your child's chosen direction has to play out before he'll even be willing to consider the possibility that it might have been a poor choice."
"Vigorously defend your time together during this [fun] activity against any ugly exchanges."
"Do you remember any other qualities that she has?"
"The concrete laws of God cannot fail to affect them, whether they recognize the source of that influence or not. The Bible continues to be whole, holy, relevant, true, healing, centering, and valid."
"Try not to automatically disagree with every viewpoint your child makes."
"You are now the only Bible that your child is reading. You will have to be the words of Jesus. Let her see Him in your life, your responses, and your love. Let her feel your peace in the face of her tension. Let her sense your assurance in a world that offers few assurances."
"The prompt or catalyst [for change is one] that you would never have predicted."
"Stop searching for those perfect words or that magical key that will unlock your child's ability to see his situation in a crystal clear light. Not only is it a fruitless exercise, it can increase the divide between you and this child."
"How frustrating it must be for them to never have a regular conversation with us because we are doggedly determined to use each encounter to find and deliver that magical key."
"The problem is that the object of these prayers is often unaware they are being prayed for. From their perspective, it looks the same as abandonment. All that said, I was still surprised that no one found me worth fighting for."
"I view Luann [who reasoned with her] as the face of Jesus to a confused mind during a difficult season... "to show me that I was still valued, that there was a Christian somewhere on the planet who could disagree with me 100 percent and still find me valuable and lovable." She had "kindness, gentleness, respect, concern, lack of condemnation."
"Keep your walking-wounded radar up" to talk to other prodigals. "Listen for the nudge of the Holy Spirit."
"His response directed ~ to just keep seeking Jesus. Take it a day at a time. Let God reveal what needs to be a part of your view and what needs to change. The pastor trusted that God could direct this woman in His own time. As long as she was actively seeking the truth, he knew she would find it."
"God sometimes just says no."
"It takes a marked degree of maturity not to blame Jesus for the mistakes and abuses of His followers."
"I almost think it's fun for Him, for I've seen Him take the most ugly and unlikely experiences of my life and somehow use them as part of something good, something beautiful... He can astound us all with His ability to take those same horrid circumstances and use them to make something beautiful and new."
"We may find that we are so uncomfortable around sin that we no longer know how to share Christ's love with the sinner. We no longer know how to speak to the woman at the well."
"I felt like the mistakes I was choosing to make were irreversible. And that if my family was giving up on me, then I felt that God was too."
"someone who won't be pious and judgmental, but will still call them to repentance and reconciliation."
"The fear of being judged as a failure or not good enough is a powerful force that keeps most kids away. Whether we like it or not, we need the reassurance that we are loved, accepted, cherished, and above all, good enough, no matter what." None of us are "good enough." That's why Jesus came.
February 27, 2012
Carol Barnier left her Christian church and later became an atheist. She joined the American Atheists, organization of the infamous Madalyn Murray O’Hair. Later, she talks about her difficult son. She defines a prodigal as one who leaves the faith, as much as one who lives a riotous life. Though the original prodigal mirrored the addict of today, the author merely questioned herself out of the church. She blames misunderstood promises. Some churches claim some things as promises through misinterpretation. When we accept them as promises, it shakes our faith when the Lord doesn’t respond to our prayers as we believe He “promised”.
Part One talks about parental guilt and how that affects behavior toward the prodigal. Part Two describes how we, and the church, should respond to the prodigal. Part Three tells the author’s story. Among other facts, she points out that she came from a Christian home with loving, well-intentioned parents.
Parents will find encouragement in these pages. The load may become a bit less heavy. The author uses herself as a case study throughout. She writes intelligently and with humor. Anyone seeking hope in this trying situation will find a compassionate advocate in Carol Barnier.
I received this book through NetGalley. It is an honest review.
Part One talks about parental guilt and how that affects behavior toward the prodigal. Part Two describes how we, and the church, should respond to the prodigal. Part Three tells the author’s story. Among other facts, she points out that she came from a Christian home with loving, well-intentioned parents.
Parents will find encouragement in these pages. The load may become a bit less heavy. The author uses herself as a case study throughout. She writes intelligently and with humor. Anyone seeking hope in this trying situation will find a compassionate advocate in Carol Barnier.
I received this book through NetGalley. It is an honest review.
February 5, 2013
I not only think every parent who is even remotely connected to a prodigal should read this book but every church pastor, youth leader, elder, deacon, deaconess, and well, every Christ-follower should also.
As stated in another review the first part of Barnier's book is directed to parents of prodigals giving them a realistic look at what is probably going on in the prodigal's mind and heart, what the Bible has to say about prodigals, and hope for the future.
What I was pleasantly surprised by was the "Bonus" section. "A Bonus section in a book on prodigals? What could this possibly hold?" I thought to myself. I am so glad I continued reading. Barnier speaks directly to God's church and everyone in it and calls us to re-examine how we respond (or don't respond) to prodigals and their parents. She challenges us in so many good and appropriate ways I don't want to even try to summarize them here but rather strongly encourage, challenge, and exhort all Christ-followers to buy and read "Engaging Today's Prodigal".
As stated in another review the first part of Barnier's book is directed to parents of prodigals giving them a realistic look at what is probably going on in the prodigal's mind and heart, what the Bible has to say about prodigals, and hope for the future.
What I was pleasantly surprised by was the "Bonus" section. "A Bonus section in a book on prodigals? What could this possibly hold?" I thought to myself. I am so glad I continued reading. Barnier speaks directly to God's church and everyone in it and calls us to re-examine how we respond (or don't respond) to prodigals and their parents. She challenges us in so many good and appropriate ways I don't want to even try to summarize them here but rather strongly encourage, challenge, and exhort all Christ-followers to buy and read "Engaging Today's Prodigal".
January 3, 2019
Encouragement for a father's heart
An honest look at some of the most difficult questions a parent asks themselves when faced with an adult child making their own choices that are opposite of everything the parents tried to instill. Not the typical "pray harder and longer and in this order..." just some honest, practical and doable objectives for parents who want to stay proactive without pushing their child further away. As a parent I want the very best for my children. All the time. When they hurt, I hurt and when they make choices that I believe will hurt them, I hurt even more. In an engaging and often witty way the author offers a new paradigm for a parent to view the situation their child is in. The book left me encouraged and more sure that it is not my will that will be done but His will. And that was something I needed to hear. Again.
An honest look at some of the most difficult questions a parent asks themselves when faced with an adult child making their own choices that are opposite of everything the parents tried to instill. Not the typical "pray harder and longer and in this order..." just some honest, practical and doable objectives for parents who want to stay proactive without pushing their child further away. As a parent I want the very best for my children. All the time. When they hurt, I hurt and when they make choices that I believe will hurt them, I hurt even more. In an engaging and often witty way the author offers a new paradigm for a parent to view the situation their child is in. The book left me encouraged and more sure that it is not my will that will be done but His will. And that was something I needed to hear. Again.
February 5, 2017
I highly recommend this book not only for parents of prodigals but to all parents as well as church leaders especially those who work with young people.
January 29, 2024
Excellent book which delivers on its subtitle by giving HOPE to those who love a prodigal. As a former prodigal, the author has some authority on the subject. She gives many good ideas for what to say and not say to an adult who has walked away from Christ. She also has a section called "Myths Debunked," which was very encouraging to read. Her "bonus section" should be required reading for all those in church leadership. I highly recommend this book for all followers of Jesus.
September 4, 2020
Need more like this today!
I found this to be very thought provoking not only as a parent, but as a Christian. I feel there is a definite need for more discussion on this topic and will doing more personal research into this area.
I found this to be very thought provoking not only as a parent, but as a Christian. I feel there is a definite need for more discussion on this topic and will doing more personal research into this area.
March 24, 2022
Fantastic
July 22, 2015
Several years ago, I heard Carol Barnier speak at a home school convention. She was hilarious, insightful and authentic. So when I saw this book, I knew I should read it. At various times in life all of us are prodigals. Not becoming a Christian until I was an adult with lots to repent of, I am so astounded by God's grace that I cannot imagine ever truly turning away from Him. I have a hard time understanding my own kids, raised in a genuine Christian home, when they have turned their backs on Christianity or perhaps worse, embraced a shallow, worldly Christianity. Nothing has been more painful in my life.This book helped me feel more compassion for prodigals from Christian homes, equipped me with practical tips and gave me hope. If you know a prodigal, love a prodigal or are friends to heart-broken parents of prodigals, please read this book.
January 1, 2021
Highly recommend this book to parents of prodigals and church leaders. Wish I would have known about this book four or five years ago when my son stepped onto the prodigal path, followed a couple of years later by his sister. Different kids, different reasons and outcomes, but both still in need of God's grace. This book has offered me so much wisdom and practical advice that will be useful going forward, not only in relating to and with my own prodigals but with other prodigals I come in contact with in future. A must-read.
August 25, 2013
Very helpful information from a former prodigal about how to relate to a prodigal in your life (including how NOT to talk or act toward them). This gave me a whole different way of thinking and to be more careful in how to love a wayward loved one. This book gives hope for anyone hurting or worried about a prodigal in their life.
July 23, 2012
Excellent book! Already gave it to 2 friends in my similiar position as well as our youth group leader. Every parent should read.
April 20, 2013
This book has helped me understand some thinking that is so foreign to me. I may bear less guilt now after reading the book.
May 12, 2013
This is a must read for anyone who is a parent. You don't need to have a Prodigal in order for this book to be impactful!
August 10, 2013
I had the pleasure to meet Carol at the Texas Home School Conference Convention, and felt such a relief hearing her wisdom peppered with her delightfully dry wit!
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews