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Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment
The classic power struggle between parents and children- demystified.
Nationally recognized behavior management expert Lynne Reeves Griffin offers a commonsense yet radical approach to parenting that will enable adults to win the tug-of-war with their children about what is, and isn't, acceptable behavior.
This proactive plan provides parents with the tools to reclaim their authority, establish boundaries, and cease negotiation tactics such as rewards and punishments, based on the specific ages and temperaments of each child. Featuring anecdotes from more than 20 years of parental consulting, the author reveals the real struggles parents face in raising today's children.
Nationally recognized behavior management expert Lynne Reeves Griffin offers a commonsense yet radical approach to parenting that will enable adults to win the tug-of-war with their children about what is, and isn't, acceptable behavior.
This proactive plan provides parents with the tools to reclaim their authority, establish boundaries, and cease negotiation tactics such as rewards and punishments, based on the specific ages and temperaments of each child. Featuring anecdotes from more than 20 years of parental consulting, the author reveals the real struggles parents face in raising today's children.
- GenresParentingNonfiction
272 pages, Paperback
First published September 4, 2007
13 people are currently reading
54 people want to read
About the author
Lynne Griffin
9 books132 followersAVAILABLE NOW | Lynne's next novel of domestic suspense: DARK RIVERS TO CROSS
ALSO AVAILABLE: Lynne's novel of domestic suspense: THE DANGERS OF AN ORDINARY NIGHT
Follow Lynne on Instagram
Follow Lynne on Twitter
LYNNE REEVES GRIFFIN is a novelist and a nationally recognized expert on family life. She is the author of the novels, LIFE WITHOUT SUMMER (St. Martin’s Press, 2009), SEA ESCAPE (Simon & Schuster, 2010) and GIRL SENT AWAY (SixOneSeven, 2015).
Writing as LYNNE REEVES, her novel of domestic suspense, THE DANGERS OF AN ORDINARY NIGHT will be published by Crooked Lane Books in November 2021. AVAILABLE NOW
Lynne is also the author of the nonfiction parenting guide NEGOTIATION GENERATION: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment (Penguin, 2007).
Lynne teaches writing at Grub Street Writers in Boston, and works with writers to development their book length work. Her short fiction, essays, and articles have appeared in Solstice Literary Magazine; Cognoscenti, The Chautauqua Journal; Craft Literary; Brain, Child; Parenting Magazine, Scholastic Parent & Child, The Writer Magazine, Psychology Today, and more.
Lynne writes regularly for Psychology Today. To learn more about her work, visit Lynne's Website
ALSO AVAILABLE: Lynne's novel of domestic suspense: THE DANGERS OF AN ORDINARY NIGHT
Follow Lynne on Instagram
Follow Lynne on Twitter
LYNNE REEVES GRIFFIN is a novelist and a nationally recognized expert on family life. She is the author of the novels, LIFE WITHOUT SUMMER (St. Martin’s Press, 2009), SEA ESCAPE (Simon & Schuster, 2010) and GIRL SENT AWAY (SixOneSeven, 2015).
Writing as LYNNE REEVES, her novel of domestic suspense, THE DANGERS OF AN ORDINARY NIGHT will be published by Crooked Lane Books in November 2021. AVAILABLE NOW
Lynne is also the author of the nonfiction parenting guide NEGOTIATION GENERATION: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment (Penguin, 2007).
Lynne teaches writing at Grub Street Writers in Boston, and works with writers to development their book length work. Her short fiction, essays, and articles have appeared in Solstice Literary Magazine; Cognoscenti, The Chautauqua Journal; Craft Literary; Brain, Child; Parenting Magazine, Scholastic Parent & Child, The Writer Magazine, Psychology Today, and more.
Lynne writes regularly for Psychology Today. To learn more about her work, visit Lynne's Website
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
December 6, 2012
This book leans far too heavily on its metaphors – particularly "fences" and "bags". It comes so close to really good points and doesn't always quite get to them. A few thoughts:
1) The author claims attempting to simply control a child's behavior is ineffective and counterproductive, yet that's exactly the approach she advocates. Don't talk or explain your "fence," just act.
2) Some of the "fences" used as examples are astonishing to me. One such example is a 12 year old who is expected to empty the dishwasher if she puts a single dirty dish in the sink. No wonder children rebel. What makes it her responsibility to empty the dishwasher? What is the logic? What's the issue with a single dirty dish sitting in the sink for a couple hours? The author doesn't advocate having answers for any of this. Because it's just silly at its face. The author doesn't think you should need answers, that your children need to just blindly obey you.
3) In a similar vein, I don't think the author emphasizes enough how important the parent is as role model. Sure, she says it, but doesn't complete the thought. As a role model, you have to first embody the values you expect your child to have. Then, never break them; or if you do, it's imperative you acknowledge the failure. Kids are great at sniffing out hypocrisy. This is why the reactive parenting style in the book is so ineffective. No one wants to be treated that way, and the parent would never stand for it.
4) I notice a theme in parenting books. The big problem areas that always come up are around mornings, meals, and bedtime. Maybe it's worth considering the root cause, which is not innate to the situations, but the result of conventional expectations. Do kids really make such terrible decisions if you give them a little freedom about what and how they eat? Is it the end of the world if your child foregoes utensils? Do you really think they'll be using their fingers to eat spaghetti as an adult if you don't force them to use a fork at 4? Is it really imperative that your child go to bed at exactly 8:00? Actually, it probably is if you send them to daycare or school. But what if you homeschooled? Then it wouldn't matter when your child went to bed. They'd sleep when tired, and get up when rested. The fundamentals of the childhood experience are not examined at all, they're just taken as the way it has been, and therefore the way it must be.
5) The type of authority modeled in the book I would not consider terribly healthy. Sure, it doesn't directly punish–it's sort of a benevolent dictator kind of approach. But I think a preferable kind of authority is built on trust, respect and focused on the child's needs. There's an example of a "wavering" parent in the book whose child doesn't practice and gets stage fright, and the diagnosis is that the parent talks too much and doesn't make expectations clear. The author doesn't at all suggest talking to the child about his feelings, asking why he's afraid to go out on stage or why he doesn't like to practice. The parent had the gall to say she was the most embarrassed she's ever been because her child was terrified to go out on stage–not once does anyone point out the obvious, your child is terrified, maybe a little empathy is more important than your petty embarrassment.
6) The author pushes some of her own preferences on the reader as if they are the only correct answer, particularly in the "Lifestyle" section. For example, she has some apprehension about technology and nostalgia for a "simpler life," without giving any compelling argument at all as to why having a TV or computer in a child's room is inherently a bad thing.
Honestly I'm kind of shocked at how low a score I felt I had to give this book. Giving up all forms of punishment is a very new thing. Most parents still hit their children, and the ones who do not have typically never considered giving up grounding or time outs. Considering that this book is one of the few that rejects punishments in all forms, I'd have imagined myself giving it a much better rating. I can only imagine how frustrating reading a more mainstream/conventional parenting book would be for me, when one like this which is so close to what I would consider a correct approach left me feeling so dissatisfied.
1) The author claims attempting to simply control a child's behavior is ineffective and counterproductive, yet that's exactly the approach she advocates. Don't talk or explain your "fence," just act.
2) Some of the "fences" used as examples are astonishing to me. One such example is a 12 year old who is expected to empty the dishwasher if she puts a single dirty dish in the sink. No wonder children rebel. What makes it her responsibility to empty the dishwasher? What is the logic? What's the issue with a single dirty dish sitting in the sink for a couple hours? The author doesn't advocate having answers for any of this. Because it's just silly at its face. The author doesn't think you should need answers, that your children need to just blindly obey you.
3) In a similar vein, I don't think the author emphasizes enough how important the parent is as role model. Sure, she says it, but doesn't complete the thought. As a role model, you have to first embody the values you expect your child to have. Then, never break them; or if you do, it's imperative you acknowledge the failure. Kids are great at sniffing out hypocrisy. This is why the reactive parenting style in the book is so ineffective. No one wants to be treated that way, and the parent would never stand for it.
4) I notice a theme in parenting books. The big problem areas that always come up are around mornings, meals, and bedtime. Maybe it's worth considering the root cause, which is not innate to the situations, but the result of conventional expectations. Do kids really make such terrible decisions if you give them a little freedom about what and how they eat? Is it the end of the world if your child foregoes utensils? Do you really think they'll be using their fingers to eat spaghetti as an adult if you don't force them to use a fork at 4? Is it really imperative that your child go to bed at exactly 8:00? Actually, it probably is if you send them to daycare or school. But what if you homeschooled? Then it wouldn't matter when your child went to bed. They'd sleep when tired, and get up when rested. The fundamentals of the childhood experience are not examined at all, they're just taken as the way it has been, and therefore the way it must be.
5) The type of authority modeled in the book I would not consider terribly healthy. Sure, it doesn't directly punish–it's sort of a benevolent dictator kind of approach. But I think a preferable kind of authority is built on trust, respect and focused on the child's needs. There's an example of a "wavering" parent in the book whose child doesn't practice and gets stage fright, and the diagnosis is that the parent talks too much and doesn't make expectations clear. The author doesn't at all suggest talking to the child about his feelings, asking why he's afraid to go out on stage or why he doesn't like to practice. The parent had the gall to say she was the most embarrassed she's ever been because her child was terrified to go out on stage–not once does anyone point out the obvious, your child is terrified, maybe a little empathy is more important than your petty embarrassment.
6) The author pushes some of her own preferences on the reader as if they are the only correct answer, particularly in the "Lifestyle" section. For example, she has some apprehension about technology and nostalgia for a "simpler life," without giving any compelling argument at all as to why having a TV or computer in a child's room is inherently a bad thing.
Honestly I'm kind of shocked at how low a score I felt I had to give this book. Giving up all forms of punishment is a very new thing. Most parents still hit their children, and the ones who do not have typically never considered giving up grounding or time outs. Considering that this book is one of the few that rejects punishments in all forms, I'd have imagined myself giving it a much better rating. I can only imagine how frustrating reading a more mainstream/conventional parenting book would be for me, when one like this which is so close to what I would consider a correct approach left me feeling so dissatisfied.
April 10, 2014
Really like this book. Have come back to it repeatedly. I find it easy to understand and some of the tips are so simple. How often do we turn directions into requests by adding "ok?" to the end of every sentence?
April 10, 2019
There are much better books out there that incorporate the findings from most recent research in this area. This book seems outdated to me. On the one hand, it seems to be advocating for a peaceful and respectful parenting approach (based on the title and synopsis). But, on the other hand, when I read a few chapters, the author’s tone came across as condescending and her underlying disciplining philosophy came across as authoritarian. I had to abandon this book midway and I am not someone who does this very often. Please keep this in your mind as you read my review. I did NOT finish reading the entire book.
As an example of the author’s condescending tone, she uses the word ‘fences’ as a metaphor for setting limits. I did not like this metaphor at all because it makes me think of my children as wild animals that need to be tamed. It didn’t seem very respectful to me. But, to be fair, metaphors are up for every body’s interpretation so this could just be my own interpretation of it.
That said, in general, this book did not speak to me the way some other books that I read on the same subject did. Dr Shefali Tsabary’s The Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family & Out of Control; Dr Daniel J. Siegel’s Whole Brain Child & No Drama Discipline; How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Farber, Unselfie by Michele Borba, are a few of the books that advocate for a more respectful, child-centric parenting approach. I have more of Dr Daniel J Siegel’s books on my TBR list that I am eager to read in future. They are all highly rated and as someone who read a couple of his books, I am a big fan of his peaceful and respectful parenting approach, and his way of backing up his suggestions with the latest research from the field of neuroscience. If you are raising a strong willed child, then Raising your spirited child by Mary Sherry Kurcinka, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene are both very good books on this subject.
As an example of the author’s condescending tone, she uses the word ‘fences’ as a metaphor for setting limits. I did not like this metaphor at all because it makes me think of my children as wild animals that need to be tamed. It didn’t seem very respectful to me. But, to be fair, metaphors are up for every body’s interpretation so this could just be my own interpretation of it.
That said, in general, this book did not speak to me the way some other books that I read on the same subject did. Dr Shefali Tsabary’s The Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family & Out of Control; Dr Daniel J. Siegel’s Whole Brain Child & No Drama Discipline; How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Farber, Unselfie by Michele Borba, are a few of the books that advocate for a more respectful, child-centric parenting approach. I have more of Dr Daniel J Siegel’s books on my TBR list that I am eager to read in future. They are all highly rated and as someone who read a couple of his books, I am a big fan of his peaceful and respectful parenting approach, and his way of backing up his suggestions with the latest research from the field of neuroscience. If you are raising a strong willed child, then Raising your spirited child by Mary Sherry Kurcinka, The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene are both very good books on this subject.
February 28, 2022
Respectful and practical advice for parenting kids of all temperaments. I really enjoyed this book and think my parenting skills will benefit greatly.
Read
August 13, 2020Once upon a time, parents were parents and children were children. Today, our fast paced lives and changes in the popular culture have children claiming more independence than they can handle. Parents are losing their authority, negotiating with their children about everything from what to wear to school to when to go to bed at night. All this negotiating is exhausting and it doesn’t teach children how to handle the intense pressure to grow up too quickly.
You can reclaim your position of authority with a proactive approach to raising your children. By establishing clear boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior, you’ll win the tug-of-war with your children—and forge a stronger, more loving bond because of it.
• Influence your children’s behavior—without controlling it
• Predict and prevent challenging behavior
• Let go of time-outs, groundings, spankings, and other punishments
• Teach by example—show and tell your children how you expect them to behave
With true stories from more than twenty years of parent counseling, the author reveals the real struggles parents face in raising today’s children—and tells you how to step out of the negotiation generation and step back into control.
You can reclaim your position of authority with a proactive approach to raising your children. By establishing clear boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior, you’ll win the tug-of-war with your children—and forge a stronger, more loving bond because of it.
• Influence your children’s behavior—without controlling it
• Predict and prevent challenging behavior
• Let go of time-outs, groundings, spankings, and other punishments
• Teach by example—show and tell your children how you expect them to behave
With true stories from more than twenty years of parent counseling, the author reveals the real struggles parents face in raising today’s children—and tells you how to step out of the negotiation generation and step back into control.
November 7, 2008
I am very glad that I read this book, especially now before Thomas is too old. But I think you could pick this book up at any stage and learn a thing or two. The main premise is there is a time to talk and a time to act. Parents spend way too much time talking when there is conflict, making it seem like the issue is negotiable when it is not. Don't talk in conflict; act and show instead. The book also provides some helpful info on skill-building and why this is preferable to punishment. This book does talk specifics but it is more helpful in terms of a paradigm shift--a different way to view how you talk to your kids, direct them and how you view parenting in general. Very helpful and would recommend it to all parents.
December 28, 2007
The author has some good concrete ways of illustrating why children need boundaries and how and why children push up against them. I recommend parts of this book but you have to pick through numerous examples, many of which don't contain positive advice one would hope for.
My feeling is that the author promises to give the reader tools to deal with situations but doesn't deliver them in the end. This book is most valuable for giving parents useful metaphors to help them to think about their job as a parent.
My feeling is that the author promises to give the reader tools to deal with situations but doesn't deliver them in the end. This book is most valuable for giving parents useful metaphors to help them to think about their job as a parent.
September 2, 2008
I felt like this book was a great parenting book. It helped me realize that my parenting has changed since having the new baby which is probably the real reason why Jocelyn's behavior has changed (for the worse). I like how this book focuses on being proactive in preparing, preventing and practicing for situations you know will be hard on your child to behave well. We've also switched from discouraging bad behavior through threats of going to the corner to focusing on teaching Jocelyn skills to help herself deal with and change her tough behaviors.
January 1, 2011
I like this book. I hate the title. But the book is far more gentle than the title sounds. And one of the things I like best was that she discusses what is going on with kids developmentally as well as due to various natural temperaments. Very useful way to step back and look at the overall situation if you find yourself engaging in battles with your child.
January 3, 2008
Very interesting book on how our generation is prone to negotiate with our kids as opposed to telling them how to behave. Some excellent suggestions (that really work). A bit too long - it could have been edited down by 100 or so pages.
October 15, 2008
I loved this book! It definitely changed my perspective and parenting for the better.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews