Takeaways from reading the book:
Question # 1: Where do saboteurs / internal critics come from?
- Page 16: When we are children, we develop saboteurs / internal critics in our minds. Why do we do that? We do that to survive / be accepted / be loved. As we go through childhood, the saboteurs / internal critics develop into automatic mind patterns. When we become adults, we do not need these saboteurs / internal critics anymore. However, the internal critics stay in our minds because they have become habits for us. Each of the saboteurs / internal critics has its beliefs which work against our best interests.
- Page 26: When the stress, you experience in situations in life, increases, the saboteurs / internal critics grow stronger.
Question # 2: What do saboteurs / internal critics do to you?
- Pages 16, 34, 55, 62, 73 and 84: For the JUDGE, love is conditional. We have to do something to be loved by the judge in us. The judge finds faults with us and other people. The judge thinks that if it does not find faults with us and punish us for making these faults, we will become lazy. The judge thinks that if it does not judge us for what is wrong with us and make us feel bad, we will not learn from our mistakes. The judge thinks it is better to punish us than to empathize with us. For example, the judge in the mind of the author said to him, when he was a child, that he was unworthy of his perfect parents' time and affection. The judge generates anxiety, stress, anger, disappointment, shame and guilt. The judge says "you will be happy when..." This lie and continuously moving target will ensure your everlasting unhappiness.
- Pages 17 and 39: The PERFECTIONIST hates mistakes. It tells you to be highly critical of yourself and others. The stickler tells you to live in constant frustration, disappointment and anger with yourself and others over things that are not perfect enough. It says to you that if you can't do something perfectly, don't do it at all. The stickler organizes everything well and is worried that people will mess up the order it has created. No matter how hard people work, the perfectionist will criticize. The perfectionist is highly sensitive to criticism of itself. To make up for others' laziness, the perfectionist works a lot.
- Pages 17 and 49: The HYPER-ACHIEVER / the WORKAHOLIC makes you dependent on constant performance and achievement. It makes you think that you are only worthy if you have external success and others think well of you. This leads to workaholic tendencies and causes you to fall out of touch with emotional and relationship needs. For the hyper-achiever / the workaholic, life is about results. It wants you to be the best. It is strongly competitive and wants you to work efficiently. It hides insecurities and adapts its personality to show a positive image of itself and impress others. The hyper-achiever fears intimacy and vulnerability and keeps people at a safe distance because closeness with others allow them to see imperfections. For the hyper-achiever, emotions get in the way of performance.
- Pages 19, 49 and 61: The CONTROLLER / the SERGEANT is afraid that nothing gets done, and that there will be chaos if it doesn't step in and tell people what to. Therefore, the controller wants to take charge, push people to do things and to control situations. The controller is stimulated by and connects through conflict. It is a straight talker, confrontational and impatient with people's emotions. The controller thinks it is either in control or out of control and believe other people want it to take control. When other people do not follow the controller, it gets angry. The controller's in-your-face communication is interpreted by others as anger or criticism. In the short term, the controller voice allows you to get results. In the long run, however, it creates resentment in others as people are prevented from using and developing their competencies. Resentment is a mix of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear.
- Page 17: The PLEASER tells you that to be accepted, you need to help and please others. The pleaser has a strong need to be liked. It constantly needs to get assurance from others that he or she is accepted and liked. The pleaser feels that expressing his or her own needs is selfish. Therefore, the pleaser cannot express his or her needs openly. It bothers the pleaser that other people do not notice or care about what he or she has done for them. As a consequence, the pleaser thinks other people can be selfish and ungrateful. The behavior and thinking of the pleaser can lead to burnout. The child of a parent with a controller saboteur may develop a pleaser saboteur to maintain peace.
- Pages 18 and 49: The VICTIM wants you to attract attention by feeling emotional. The victim is attached to having difficulties. It thinks that terrible things always happen to him or her, and that he or she is disadvantaged. "Poor me", the victim thinks. Negative emotions stay in the mind of a victim for a long time. The victim thinks that nobody understands him or her and wishes that someone would come and rescue him or her from the mess that he or she is in. The victim feels alone. When the victim is criticized or misunderstood, it withdraws. When things get tough, the victim wants to give up. The victim represses anger, which leads to feeling depressed.
- Pages 18 and 49: The HYPER-RATIONAL / the ROBOT tells you to value knowledge strongly and process everything in a rational, analytical way - including relationships. The hyper-rational sees emotions as distracting, irrelevant and unworthy of much time. It analyses rather than experiences emotions. The hyper-rational becomes frustrated, when people express their emotions. The hyper-rational can be perceived as cold.
- Pages 18 and 49: The HYPER-VIGILANT wants you to think that life is full of dangers. Therefore, it makes you feel nervous about what can go wrong and makes dangers around you much bigger than they are. The hyper-vigilant is very suspicious about what other people will do and expect that people will mess up. The nervous energy of the hyper-vigilant results in stress and difficulty to relax.
- Pages 19 and 49: The RESTLESS wants you to be busy all the time and to continuously search for more excitement. It wants you to not miss out on anything. This results in constant distractions and lack of focus. The anxiety-based escape from being present results in distance to other people, because other people feel they cannot keep up with you.
- Pages 19 and 49: The AVOIDER wants you to focus on the pleasant and positive. It wants harmony and to make peace. The avoider downplays the importance of real problems and avoids difficult tasks and conflicts. The avoider thinks that if it lets go, things will take care of themselves. The avoider has difficulty saying no. It resists other people in a passive-aggressive way rather than directly. The avoider suppresses anger. It thinks that by dealing with conflicts now, it will hurt people's feelings and lose connection with them. Due to avoidance of conflicts, relationships of the avoider remain superficial.
Question # 3: How do we weaken saboteurs / internal critics in our minds?
Step # 1: Name the saboteur / internal critic when it comes up in your mind
Pages 20, 22, 25 and 51: Put a name on the saboteur that pops up in your mind when you think certain thoughts and feel certain emotions. When you put a name on a saboteur that shows up in your mind, that saboteur loses its power over you. Example: When the perfectionist voice speaks to you, say “Hello perfectionist, are you there again saying that I should...."
Step # 2: Weaken the saboteur / internal critic
- Page 51: Do NOT get angry with your saboteur. Avoid judging your saboteur.
- Page 66: What do you think would change in your life if the saboteur / internal critic, which pops up into your mind, was weakened?
- Page 73: Take whatever the judge tell us with a grain of salt.
Step # 3: Replace blame with learning
- Page 78: Try to let a problem go without feeling shame. Example: With your right hand, make a broom action on your left shoulder.
- Pages 6 and 73: Turn your way of thinking about a problem from a) disappointment, guilt and blame to b) curiosity, learning, excitement, creative thinking and action.
Step # 4: Love yourself. Accept yourself and be kind to yourself.
- Page 71: Realize and accept that stress you feel is created by saboteurs in your mind.
- Page 50: When you make a mistake, say to yourself that you are still a wonderful human being and that every mistake can be turned into an opportunity.
- Pages 83 and 122: Show yourself appreciation, compassion and forgiveness.
- Pages 85 and 158: To empathize with yourself, visualize yourself as a child doing something that made your eyes light up. This image is a reminder that you are worthy of unconditional caring when you are feeling beaten by your own judge.
- Page 95: Ask yourself what you can do to be more kind to yourself.
Step # 5: Learn
- Pages 20 and 122: Be curious and learn.
- Page 56: Write down an important thing about yourself that you have never shared with others because you were afraid of not being accepted or respected.
- Page 76: Try to find out what is good about people you judged.
- Page 76: Find out what people, whom you judge, try to tell you.
- Page 87: Take time to discover all important and relevant information before moving on to developing a solution and acting.
- Page 87: Find out why the person is feeling how she / he feels?
- Page 96: Observe how the energy and emotions of people change in different situations.
- Page 115: Be aware / mindful of what you do, for example what your hands do when you make tea.
- Page 159: Find out what happened in a situation with the goal of learning from it - not with the goal of blaming.
Step # 6: Develop ideas
- Pages 20 and 122: Develop ideas.
- Pages 6, 73 and 77: What are three ways you can turn the problem into a gift and an opportunity?
- Page 87: Come up with as many ideas as possible.
- Page 88: Avoid judging / evaluating ideas.
- Pages 89 and 149: Try the exercise "Yes, and.." Example: "Yes, what I love about this idea is.... and..."
Step # 7: Discover your values and find purpose
- Pages 20 and 89: What are your values and purpose?
- Page 90: Our values and purpose lie in our hearts.
Step # 8: Try ideas out
- Page 73: Make a decision about an idea you want to try out.
- Page 20: Try out the idea.
- Page 149: Set boundaries for your top saboteur.
Question # 4: What are some results of positive intelligence?
- Page 9: More positive intelligence results in less stress, lower blood pressure, less pain and better sleep.
- Page 114: We feel emotions such as peace, curiosity, joy and compassion.