VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment

by Neil Chethik

Based on a scientific survey of married men, a guide for women addresses key issues that lead to distrust among married couples, offering insight into what men believe about such topics as commitment, intimacy, parenting, and other marital concerns. By the author of Fatherloss. 50,000 first printing.

Genres: Nonfiction

272 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2006

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

VoiceMale caught my eye as I was searching for something for a library patron, and I picked it up out of curiosity. What DO husbands think about their marriages, wives, sex, housework, and commitment? The result of Neil Chethik's research is an interesting mix of the surprising, the sad, and the encouraging, with a good dose of the obvious thrown in. (Men who split housework fairly with their wives tend to have happier marriages with more sex. Gee, no kidding!!)

Chethik's findings mesh well with what Alison Armstrong's PAX Program (www.understandmen.com) has been saying for years, which I appreciated. I would love to be able to discuss the book with my husband, although I'm doubtful I'll be able to convince him to read it any time soon. It's written with both genders in mind as its audience and could really be a helpful tool for strengthening and understanding marital relationships in all stages.

For readers' advisors: it almost qualifies as "nonfiction-that-reads-like-fiction," except for the lack of a unifying story arc.

[Joe · Rating 4 out of 5]

My main takeaways:

1. there is a direct link between how equally married couples perceive househould chores to be divided, and quality of their sex life

2. the kind of relationship a man has with his father is a strong influence on the kind of husband he becomes (more so than his relationship with his mother)

3. pick your battles - value the relationship over any disagreement you may have

4. Don't Just Say No - if you want to veto an idea your spouse has for something, don't immediately say "no". If after a day you still want to say no, you must present a compromise, that captures the spirit of your spouse's original proposal.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't have many brothers so the male perspective has always been a bit mysterious to me. I really enjoyed gaining some insight from this book. The author surveyed 300 men (yes, a small sample size compared to the large population, I do recognize) corroborates his findings with other large scale research (many of which I had heard about in my college course called Psychology of Love) to discuss the patterns and main phases of a marriage. He also conducted an in-depth interview with 77 husbands and mixed their personal stories in as examples. I found the book easy to read, not dry or boring, and quite insightful on a few things. Other parts were great reminders for me to brush up on.
The book was split into three parts: Part One: Why Men Marry: which included: "The Spark", "The Decision", and "The Wedding."
Part Two was called: The Arc of the Relationship and discussed the "Newlywed Phase", the "Family Times", "The Empty Nest Years", and "Mature Marriage." I liked how in each phase the joys and challenges were both presented.
Part Three was a mixed bag: everything from affairs, housework, second marriages, and arguing. I felt the book was comprehensive and contained some good tips and some great stories.

Favorite Quotes:
"Marriage is like digging in the dirt. It's hard and messy, and there are treasures buried there." -Forty year-old school principal.

"If you ever leave me, I'm going with you." -75 year old retired Army officer to his wife of 55 years.

Marriage isn't about getting what you want. It's about creating something where both of you feel loved, appreciated and made greater.

[Jane Night · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full review available on my blog:

http://authorjanebnight.wordpress.com...
This was a fine read but nothing super special.

The information presented in the book was mostly stuff I already knew or expected from years of reading relationship books. So, there wasn’t much new here. Men still prefer doing to talking. Men want more sex than women most of the time. Men don’t mind helping with housework as long as women don’t criticize what they do.

There were a few aspects of this book that I did really like. I liked how the author covered how men view certain stages of their marriage. A man in the honeymoon phase sees things differently than a man in the empty nest phase.

I also liked that the author indicated what the most common answers were but that men are all different. For instance most men wanted sex equal to or more than their women did. But, there was a small percentage surveyed that wanted less. I have been married to two men like that so it was nice to know that they aren’t as rare as people are usually led to believe.

It was also interesting to note the changes in men’s views from the time before the 60′s feminist movement and after. Marriage and relationships are changing and we can’t just look at the examples our parents set and follow them.

[Ariadna73 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yesterday I read a book called Voicemale ( Voicemale : what husbands really think about their marriages; their wives; sex; housework; and commitment / Neil Chethik) it was about a survey the author did between 300 husbands and asked them about they marriages and their feelings. I liked it; and I could understand some things that were difficult in the beginning of my own marriage. I learned that intimacy for men is a matter of side-by-side; more than a face-to-face thing.I learned that men are more committed to do things than to talk about things. My husband doesn't speak very much; but he does a lot of things for me; and that's the way he has to tell me that he loves me. Sometimes it's difficult for me to understand that love is different for men and for women.I learned not to take things so personal; because a lot of times; things are about the person and his inside; rather that the outside world.Chethik; Neil. Voicemale : what husbands really think about their marriages; their wives; sex; housework; and commitment / Neil Chethik. New York : Simon & Schuster; c2006.

[Chavala Trigg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides a fascinating look into the hearts and minds of men committed to their marriages. The writer shares in-depth and intimate details of what men value the most regarding their relationships and their wives. The information is based upon survey results and interviews conducted by the writer, as well as research and insights from other professionals in various related fields. I was also delighted to find some references credited to David Popenoe who authored an amazing textbook (which I still have & treasure) from my first Sociology class. Additionally, this book is not only well written, informative and entertaining, but also insightful. I highly recommend for any woman in a long-term relationship. Prepare to be surprised by some of the responses from men- it's definitely not all about sex to them.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I probably should write about VoiceMale. I thought it was quite interesting really, a sociologist writing about men in relationships basically - what they think, how they express themselves, etc. The part of the book I really liked is that he didn't just interview men and draw conclusions. He also conducted a nationally representative phone survey to validate those findings. I really liked that approach giving that I write surveys as my job. LOL.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought it was quite interesting really, a sociologist writing about men in relationships basically - what they think, how they express themselves, etc. The part of the book I really liked is that he didn't just interview men and draw conclusions. He also conducted a nationally representative phone survey to validate those findings. I really liked that approach giving that I write surveys as my job. LOL.

[Amber Cable · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe this will shed light on the what's going on in his pretty little head. Or not. This book was based primarily on people who were married on or before 1967, so it really isn't based on current marriages, men today, this is men of the past. Good, I guess, although it's appauling how indifferently they feel about their wives at times when it came to debating to stay or leave the relationship, or sleeping with other women during the marriage. Shrug, shrug.

[Aurora · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. The author speaks only to men, and looking at the comments the men he interviews have as well as what his survey says about people's happiness in really long-term marriages give an interesting and fairly optimistic picture. Recommended if you like "relationship-y" books; a quick read with entertaining tidbits.

[Rachel Noble · Rating 4 out of 5]

Go Neil! If you don't know Neil (also the writer-in-residence here at the Carnegie Center) you should. I thought that I was the last person in the world who would be interested in reading a book on this topic, but Neil's great writing brought me around. I was enthralled.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at how men really think about marriage.