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Loving Someone With Attention Deficit Disorder: A Practical Guide to Understanding Your Partner, Improving Your Communication, and Strengthening Your ...
Your partner’s attention deficit disorder (ADD) may not seem like a big deal at first, but eventually, the dynamics surrounding his or her impulsivity, forgetfulness, distractibility, and restlessness can really strain your relationship. You don’t want to act like a parent, yet you may feel like you can’t rely on your partner to get things done. Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder is your guide to navigating a relationship with someone with ADD so you can create healthy boundaries while remaining sympathetic to your partner’s symptoms. An essential resource for every couple affected by ADD, this book will help
• Understand medication and other treatments
• Recover quickly when your partner’s symptoms frustrate you
• Establish personal boundaries to avoid excessive caretaking
• Identify and take care of your own needs so you can feel more relaxed
• Understand medication and other treatments
• Recover quickly when your partner’s symptoms frustrate you
• Establish personal boundaries to avoid excessive caretaking
• Identify and take care of your own needs so you can feel more relaxed
192 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
87 people are currently reading
247 people want to read
About the author
Susan Tschudi
3 books1 followerSusan Tschudi is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Westlake Village, CA.
She is also an adjunct faculty member in the graduate psychology department at Pepperdine University.
As a relationship expert and experienced speaker, she has addressed local, national, and international groups on the subject of relationships and Attention Deficit Disorder
In 2012 her book, “Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder: A Practical Guide to Understanding Your Partner, Improving Communication & Strengthening Your Relationship”, was published by New Harbinger Publishing.
She is also an adjunct faculty member in the graduate psychology department at Pepperdine University.
As a relationship expert and experienced speaker, she has addressed local, national, and international groups on the subject of relationships and Attention Deficit Disorder
In 2012 her book, “Loving Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder: A Practical Guide to Understanding Your Partner, Improving Communication & Strengthening Your Relationship”, was published by New Harbinger Publishing.
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
June 28, 2012
Initial thoughts: This was an excellent resource. It seems to cover every major aspect of what a partner may go through when living with someone with ADHD, and at the same time addresses what the person with ADHD experiences to cause the behavior. Great expansions on the case studies as well.
Full review:
"Loving Someone With Attention Deficit Disorder" is an invaluable resource for families that have a loved one suffering from the condition. It's written with spouses particularly addressed, but I think it could apply to those who may be adults in a family with a loved one who suffers from the condition. I would say that it's not only helpful for those who may not know about some of the limitations ADD/ADHD may have, but also for those who suffer from it understand where frustrations and difficulties may lend in their relationships.
The book is divided into three parts. The first examines exactly what ADHD is and the components/attributes of the disorder. The second specifically addresses understanding the person with ADHD in four dimensions: physical, personal, relational and emotional. The last part addresses dimension in which the non-ADHD individual can build bonds and try to build understanding with the person who has ADHD. Throughout the book are several real case accounts of couples with ADHD, alongside exercises that the individual can try to build their own unique understanding of their experiences.
I used this as a resource in order to understand not only the nature of ADHD in brief but also its role in interpersonal relationships. It was a very eye opening account of the several dimensions involved, and its realistic in that there's no one quick fix for dealing with the problems that arise, but it makes you aware of what may come across. There aren't many texts that really provide the other side of the relationship from the non-ADHD individual. Tschudi has a warm narrative tone and makes great points about the different dimensions of improving upon the relationship. It promotes understanding as well as a progressive standpoint of what to do when certain conflicts arise and how to mentally cope as well address the issue for future context.
This is a must read for those who have a loved one with ADHD, no questions asked. I think not only would it be enlightening to see the dynamics of the disorder, but also for the non-ADHD individual to learn how to emotionally strengthen themselves and come to a better understanding and relationship with their loved one.
Overall score: 4.5/5
Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher New Harbinger Publications.
Full review:
"Loving Someone With Attention Deficit Disorder" is an invaluable resource for families that have a loved one suffering from the condition. It's written with spouses particularly addressed, but I think it could apply to those who may be adults in a family with a loved one who suffers from the condition. I would say that it's not only helpful for those who may not know about some of the limitations ADD/ADHD may have, but also for those who suffer from it understand where frustrations and difficulties may lend in their relationships.
The book is divided into three parts. The first examines exactly what ADHD is and the components/attributes of the disorder. The second specifically addresses understanding the person with ADHD in four dimensions: physical, personal, relational and emotional. The last part addresses dimension in which the non-ADHD individual can build bonds and try to build understanding with the person who has ADHD. Throughout the book are several real case accounts of couples with ADHD, alongside exercises that the individual can try to build their own unique understanding of their experiences.
I used this as a resource in order to understand not only the nature of ADHD in brief but also its role in interpersonal relationships. It was a very eye opening account of the several dimensions involved, and its realistic in that there's no one quick fix for dealing with the problems that arise, but it makes you aware of what may come across. There aren't many texts that really provide the other side of the relationship from the non-ADHD individual. Tschudi has a warm narrative tone and makes great points about the different dimensions of improving upon the relationship. It promotes understanding as well as a progressive standpoint of what to do when certain conflicts arise and how to mentally cope as well address the issue for future context.
This is a must read for those who have a loved one with ADHD, no questions asked. I think not only would it be enlightening to see the dynamics of the disorder, but also for the non-ADHD individual to learn how to emotionally strengthen themselves and come to a better understanding and relationship with their loved one.
Overall score: 4.5/5
Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher New Harbinger Publications.
September 9, 2015
This review originally appeared on my blog at www.gimmethatbook.com.
Thanks to Cassie Kolias at New Harbinger Publications for providing this review copy!
This book is an addition to my AD/HD shelf. Having read work by renowned author Gina Pera, I was eager to see what this author had to say.
The first chapter was golden. Tschudi's style is very simple, easy to understand, and speaks to the reader in an understated tone that seems comforting somehow. I especially was affected by the part where she states that ADD is a neurobiological issue---you cannot change your partner no more than you can expect a paraplegic to walk. Obviously you can assist your partner in managing his life better, but first and foremost, he must see the issue and want to do something about it.
That is where the book begins to break down. Much of the rest of Tschudi's advice is partly helpful, but not relevant to some situations. I did feel that this work would be most helpful to couples whose communication skills are either minimal or non existent. Many ways to broach uncomfortable subjects are offered, with scenarios detailing "real" couples and ADD-related problems.
Example: Due to the husband's procrastination, both Clark and Marilyn were always late to church. Marilyn hated this, and was upset that nothing seemed to work; not nagging, not threats, etc. So they both sat down and tried an exercise that Tschudi puts forth: brainstorm and come up with solutions to the problem, no matter how outrageous. Write them all down and discuss each one.
This couple did just that, and came up with the idea that Marilyn would take her own car to church, thereby arriving on time and avoiding the stress and arguing that inevitably occurred. Both parties were happy.
Now for my problem with this: I'm sure there are a lot of situations where the woman would take herself to church and grow old waiting for her ADD husband to show up. The only thing changing here is the woman's behavior. No one is helping the ADD'er to manage his issue. And this seems to be the tone of the rest of the book: to save yourself from anguish, realize that the ADD'er is suffering from neurobiology and may never be able to live a "normal" life. You must learn to live with it, and the sooner you realize this, the better.
I showed this to my resident ADD'er, and he was nonplussed. He said that just because the woman made it to the church on time, that didn't address the man's procrastination, and possibly even rewarded it. His take on it was this:
"When you tell someone that you no longer expect of them something that you have expected of them in the past, you may be relieving them of a responsibility, but you’re also taking something away from them. That person can feel the respect you lose for him, and he see the chance to repair it vanish when you take away the opportunity for him to get it right. Strong relationships are built upon respect. We fight for that respect when we think we can win it, but when we think that we can’t, the motivation to do anything may be gone. Obviously, both parties have a stake in the husband getting out of the house on time, but if our solution is going to be for nobody to expect anything from anyone, then these people might as well just break up. That would be even better because it would eliminate all of the conflict. Problem solved!"
Another scenario was a do it yourselfer leaving his unfinished projects in the garage, forcing the wife to park on the street. The "solution" was to have her say to him, "In 3 days I'm going to move your stuff so I can park in the garage". (Apparently the man hated anyone touching his stuff.) Then she was to say. "In 2 days I'm going to park in the garage, so please move your stuff."
If the project was not moved, the "solution" was to have the WOMAN MOVE IT HERSELF. Sure, Mr Fix It was mad that his things were touched, but that seems to be adding insult to injury to his wife. Not only did her request go unheeded--but she had to clean up his mess to boot! Not acceptable in my house. My resident ADD'er said this:
As for the matter of the garage that needed cleaning, the author concludes her tale by describing the worst possible outcome. Spoiler: the wife cleans the garage herself. She solved the problem by telling the husband to clean the garage by such-and-such date, or else “I’ll clean it myself.” What did this solve? This husband is being dealt with as if he were a particularly indolent 5th grader. I personally felt embarrassed when Kyle read this passage to me. I said something to the tune of, “I would like to think that this is not a highly recommended way of dealing with me.” We talked about it, and we decided that this book is probably meant for couples with poor communication skills. However, if this is the case, then the book still commits the crime of teaching couples with poor communication skills to deal with each other by acting in antisocial, dysfunctional ways toward each other.
As I continued to read, it seemed as if the only advice being offered me, the non ADD'er, was to understand that this is how the brain works, and the only solution is for ME to change, by not being bothered by the distractability, the mood swings, the unfinished projects, and the empty promises.
This disturbed me. I felt this was akin to putting earplugs in your ears to avoid hearing your child's tantrum in a crowded restaurant. Yes, AD/HD is neurobiologic in origin, but that doesn't mean you can try to make your life the best it can be, by taking your meds, listening to those around you, making lists to help you remember, and knowing your triggers. Sure, spouses of ADD'ers need to take care of themselves too, but hiding your head in the sand about problems and offering a bandaid solution is kind of no solution at all.
So, a mixed review on this one. The sub title does say "improving communication and strengthening your relationship", and I agree that it accomplishes this task well. Many ways are offered for partners to talk and get the lines open for a meaningful dialogue. However, I do feel that eventually, after the talking is over, the bottom line is that the non ADD'er is supposed to feel better about the improved communication but will still be dealing with the issues. The non ADD'er will have developed healthy personal boundaries and the ability to forgive, but that (to me) only goes so far.
Perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, considering my communication skills are excellent; but I was also hoping for more advice than "Your partner has ADD--forgive him for what he does, as he cannot help it".
Thanks to Cassie Kolias at New Harbinger Publications for providing this review copy!
This book is an addition to my AD/HD shelf. Having read work by renowned author Gina Pera, I was eager to see what this author had to say.
The first chapter was golden. Tschudi's style is very simple, easy to understand, and speaks to the reader in an understated tone that seems comforting somehow. I especially was affected by the part where she states that ADD is a neurobiological issue---you cannot change your partner no more than you can expect a paraplegic to walk. Obviously you can assist your partner in managing his life better, but first and foremost, he must see the issue and want to do something about it.
That is where the book begins to break down. Much of the rest of Tschudi's advice is partly helpful, but not relevant to some situations. I did feel that this work would be most helpful to couples whose communication skills are either minimal or non existent. Many ways to broach uncomfortable subjects are offered, with scenarios detailing "real" couples and ADD-related problems.
Example: Due to the husband's procrastination, both Clark and Marilyn were always late to church. Marilyn hated this, and was upset that nothing seemed to work; not nagging, not threats, etc. So they both sat down and tried an exercise that Tschudi puts forth: brainstorm and come up with solutions to the problem, no matter how outrageous. Write them all down and discuss each one.
This couple did just that, and came up with the idea that Marilyn would take her own car to church, thereby arriving on time and avoiding the stress and arguing that inevitably occurred. Both parties were happy.
Now for my problem with this: I'm sure there are a lot of situations where the woman would take herself to church and grow old waiting for her ADD husband to show up. The only thing changing here is the woman's behavior. No one is helping the ADD'er to manage his issue. And this seems to be the tone of the rest of the book: to save yourself from anguish, realize that the ADD'er is suffering from neurobiology and may never be able to live a "normal" life. You must learn to live with it, and the sooner you realize this, the better.
I showed this to my resident ADD'er, and he was nonplussed. He said that just because the woman made it to the church on time, that didn't address the man's procrastination, and possibly even rewarded it. His take on it was this:
"When you tell someone that you no longer expect of them something that you have expected of them in the past, you may be relieving them of a responsibility, but you’re also taking something away from them. That person can feel the respect you lose for him, and he see the chance to repair it vanish when you take away the opportunity for him to get it right. Strong relationships are built upon respect. We fight for that respect when we think we can win it, but when we think that we can’t, the motivation to do anything may be gone. Obviously, both parties have a stake in the husband getting out of the house on time, but if our solution is going to be for nobody to expect anything from anyone, then these people might as well just break up. That would be even better because it would eliminate all of the conflict. Problem solved!"
Another scenario was a do it yourselfer leaving his unfinished projects in the garage, forcing the wife to park on the street. The "solution" was to have her say to him, "In 3 days I'm going to move your stuff so I can park in the garage". (Apparently the man hated anyone touching his stuff.) Then she was to say. "In 2 days I'm going to park in the garage, so please move your stuff."
If the project was not moved, the "solution" was to have the WOMAN MOVE IT HERSELF. Sure, Mr Fix It was mad that his things were touched, but that seems to be adding insult to injury to his wife. Not only did her request go unheeded--but she had to clean up his mess to boot! Not acceptable in my house. My resident ADD'er said this:
As for the matter of the garage that needed cleaning, the author concludes her tale by describing the worst possible outcome. Spoiler: the wife cleans the garage herself. She solved the problem by telling the husband to clean the garage by such-and-such date, or else “I’ll clean it myself.” What did this solve? This husband is being dealt with as if he were a particularly indolent 5th grader. I personally felt embarrassed when Kyle read this passage to me. I said something to the tune of, “I would like to think that this is not a highly recommended way of dealing with me.” We talked about it, and we decided that this book is probably meant for couples with poor communication skills. However, if this is the case, then the book still commits the crime of teaching couples with poor communication skills to deal with each other by acting in antisocial, dysfunctional ways toward each other.
As I continued to read, it seemed as if the only advice being offered me, the non ADD'er, was to understand that this is how the brain works, and the only solution is for ME to change, by not being bothered by the distractability, the mood swings, the unfinished projects, and the empty promises.
This disturbed me. I felt this was akin to putting earplugs in your ears to avoid hearing your child's tantrum in a crowded restaurant. Yes, AD/HD is neurobiologic in origin, but that doesn't mean you can try to make your life the best it can be, by taking your meds, listening to those around you, making lists to help you remember, and knowing your triggers. Sure, spouses of ADD'ers need to take care of themselves too, but hiding your head in the sand about problems and offering a bandaid solution is kind of no solution at all.
So, a mixed review on this one. The sub title does say "improving communication and strengthening your relationship", and I agree that it accomplishes this task well. Many ways are offered for partners to talk and get the lines open for a meaningful dialogue. However, I do feel that eventually, after the talking is over, the bottom line is that the non ADD'er is supposed to feel better about the improved communication but will still be dealing with the issues. The non ADD'er will have developed healthy personal boundaries and the ability to forgive, but that (to me) only goes so far.
Perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, considering my communication skills are excellent; but I was also hoping for more advice than "Your partner has ADD--forgive him for what he does, as he cannot help it".
October 10, 2020
While there were topics in this book that were relatable, I still didn't agree with the author. A reoccurring theme I found is that the person with ADHD isn't capable of change and the non ADHD partner needs to basically learn to just accept that fact a tad more gracefully. Well I say screw that. There's plenty that the ADHD partner is capable of doing and loads of treatment options out there. I guess it's an okay starter book. I recommend you read natural relief for adult ADHD by Stephanie Sarkis.
December 26, 2022
Very enlightening. I didn’t know that people struggled with the same things that I do!
June 18, 2014
First line:
"The problem with ADHD as a disorder is that no one can "see" it."
An interesting book. If you think you have someone in your life who has ADHD, this book will help you understand them better. And in turn, you will understand where your boundaries and needs are and how to take care of yourself.
November 6, 2022
This is a fantastic resource for individuals who are in long term relationships with those with ADD. I’m neurodivergent as well, but I do not have ADD, so I feel like this helped me understand my husband much better.
December 29, 2022
There are a lot of books for people with ADD. IMHO the people who buy those books are either buying to understand someone with ADD or to give to someone with ADD - either or both reasons are really for the non-ADD to work with the person with ADD. This is the first book I've found about the reality of the non-ADD spouse/SO taking care of themselves while having a relationship with a person with ADD. It is useful to understand the challenges of having a relationship with someone with ADD. There are very helpful sections on self care. It is also very helpful that it is grounded in the fact that the non-ADD person is not "going to get better". They are who they are. This book will help moving forward together.
February 3, 2024
I actually enjoyed reading this book - it was very informative and gave insight from an ADHD partner’s angle and a non-ADHD partner. The goal is never to “fix” their partner, but there were not helpful “action steps” to work through different situations. I will say, it was helpful to read this in small bits and chat with my spouse about it. It gave us both mutual understanding, but not great action steps to work through the disconnects.
I borrowed this book from the library, but I want to buy my own copy to mark up and highlight so I can refer back to a few areas.
I borrowed this book from the library, but I want to buy my own copy to mark up and highlight so I can refer back to a few areas.
December 28, 2020
This book is a great overview of the different kids of ADHD and their symptoms, and provides a nice understanding of what it is we deal with on a regular basis. However, I took issue with some of the language. It sounded a bit dated and harsh at times when referring to people with ADHD. I have this book to my boyfriend with my own highlights and annotations about my own experiences. It’s a good primer, and it puts all of the information in one place.
August 12, 2024
Read this after my husband did and recommended it to me (I'm the partner with ADHD). I think this is a good starter book and has some practical suggestions and ways of thinking. A lot of the examples were a bit stale to me (followed traditional gender norms, classist and heteronormative dynamics, etc). Overall I think a good read on the topic but may not be relevant to all.
December 29, 2023
I liked the beginning of the book but towards the end it became more and more general and the ADHD person was displayed way to dramatic. As if they'd always need help and always will have difficultys in their life.
December 29, 2017
Excellent book on the differences between the ADHD brain and non-ADHD brain. Clear, to the point, and practical. I highly recommend for any therapists or spouses/family members of someone with ADHD.
December 5, 2022
Examples were too extreme which made the book a bit unhelpful. Though in the first few chapters it gives a really good idea of what ADD is.
December 11, 2023
This is the most important book I’ve read in helping me understand how I was interpreting the ADHD behaviors of those in my life. If you live with someone who has ADHD—read this book!
December 19, 2023
Some good ideas however it didn't really tell me how to help my partner just how to help myself. Also outdated so maybe it just needs to be updated?
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews