A Clean Sweep With All the Trimmings

by James Alan Gardner, Lars Leetaru (Illustrator)

Award-winning science fiction author James Alan Gardner brings us Damon Runyon-esque tale of courteous guys, bulletproof dolls, and the fedora-clad spacemen that bring them together.

This week marks the seventy-fifth anniversary of the death of American writer Damon Runyon, best known for his delightful, distinctive prose style and for the series of post-Prohibition New York stories that eventually inspired the musical Guys and Dolls.

This story was acquired and edited for Tor.com by editor Liz Gorinsky.

At the publisher's request, this title is being sold without Digital Rights Management software (DRM) applied.

Genres: Science Fiction, Short Stories, Fiction, Ebooks, Noir, Aliens, Mystery

28 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 14, 2011

About the author

Raised in Simcoe and Bradford, Ontario, James Alan Gardner earned Bachelor's and Master's degrees in Applied Mathematics from the University of Waterloo.

A graduate of the Clarion West Fiction Writers Workshop, Gardner has published science fiction short stories in a range of periodicals, including The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction and Amazing Stories. In 1989, his short story "Children of the Creche" was awarded the Grand Prize in the Writers of the Future contest. Two years later his story "Muffin Explains Teleology to the World at Large" won an Aurora Award; another story, "Three Hearings on the Existence of Snakes in the Human Bloodstream," won an Aurora and was nominated for both the Nebula and Hugo Awards.

He has written a number of novels in a "League of Peoples" universe in which murderers are defined as "dangerous non-sentients" and are killed if they try to leave their solar system by aliens who are so advanced that they think of humans like humans think of bacteria. This precludes the possibility of interstellar wars.

He has also explored themes of gender in his novels, including Commitment Hour in which people change sex every year, and Vigilant in which group marriages are traditional.

Gardner is also an educator and technical writer. His book Learning UNIX is used as a textbook in some Canadian universities.

A Grand Prize winner of the Writers of the Future contest, he lives with his family in Waterloo, Ontario.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

WELCOME TO DECEMBER PROJECT!

this explanation/intro will be posted before each day’s short story. scroll down to get to the story-review.

this is the FIFTH year of me doing a short story advent calendar as my december project. for those of you new to me or this endeavor, here’s the skinny: every day in december, i will be reading a short story that is 1) available free somewhere on internet, and 2) listed on goodreads as its own discrete entity. there will be links provided for those of you who like to read (or listen to) short stories for free, and also for those of you who have wildly overestimated how many books you can read in a year and are freaking out about not meeting your 2020 reading-challenge goals. i have been gathering links all year when tasty little tales have popped into my feed, but i will also accept additional suggestions, as long as they meet my aforementioned 1), 2) standards, because i have not compiled as many as usual this year.

IN ADDITION, this may be the last year i do this project since GR has already deleted the pages for several of the stories i've read in previous years without warning, leaving me with a bunch of missing reviews and broken links, which makes me feel shitty. because i don't have a lot of time to waste, i'm not going to bother writing much in the way of reviews for these, in case gr decides to scrap 'em again. 2020 has left me utterly wrung out and i apologize for what's left of me. i am doing my best.

DECEMBER 5: A CLEAN SWEEP WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS - JAMES ALAN GARDNER



"New York has the finest messes in the universe.”

this is the SECOND free tor short i have read that was written as a tribute to Damon Runyon, after The Tallest Doll in New York City (which is free to read here). have i ever read runyon himself? nope, but it's not difficult to understand his whole deal without reading him: guys, dolls, speakeasies, tommy guns, lingo, got it. this story adds sci-fi elements to the mix, so you get passages like this:

Carl asks, “Does anyone know what these spacemen are up to?”

“Many guys will give you answers,” I say, “but they are talking through their hats. Nobody knows why spacemen come all the way from Mars or Jupiter just to kill dolls who are friendly for cupcakes. Maybe a spaceman boss loses his doll to a busboy, and it drives him screwy. He shoots all the dolls on Jupiter, but it does not make him feel better, so he sends his spacemen here to shoot some more.”

“That is bad,” Carl says, looking grim. I never see Carl look this way. He never laughs, but never frowns either. Philosophers do not get worked up.

it's a fun story, if a little silly. but OH, if only we had a carl of our own right now, he would nip this pandemic in the bud with his cleaning skills. ALTERNATIVELY, y'all could stop going to your quarantine speakeasies for like two weeks and stop making such a big deal over having to wear a mask for the 20 minutes you're going to be in a store FFS.

think how many marshmallows we can have in the future if we temporarily stop marshmallowing right now!!



read it for free here

DECEMBER 1: PG - COURTNEY SUMMERS
DECEMBER 2: THE JUMPING MONKEY HILL - CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
DECEMBER 3: ORIGIN STORY - T. KINGFISHER
DECEMBER 4: THE GREAT SILENCE - TED CHIANG
DECEMBER 6: BORED WORLD - ANDY WEIR
DECEMBER 7: VAMPIRE - ROBERT COOVER
DECEMBER 8: A STATEMENT IN THE CASE - THEODORA GOSS
DECEMBER 9: STET - SARAH GAILEY
DECEMBER 10: MARGOT'S ROOM: EMILY CARROLL
DECEMBER 11: HORROR STORY - CARMEN MARIA MACHADO
DECEMBER 12: TERRAIN - GENEVIEVE VALENTINE
DECEMBER 13: IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN - ZEN CHO
DECEMBER 14: GHOUL - GEORGE SAUNDERS
DECEMBER 15: DURING THE DANCE - MARK LAWRENCE
DECEMBER 16: CLEARING THE BONES - CELESTE NG
DECEMBER 17: THE WAITER'S WIFE - ZADIE SMITH
DECEMBER 18: DEMOLITION - FIONA MCFARLANE
DECEMBER 19: NO PERIOD - HARRY TURTLEDOVE
DECEMBER 20: DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE - GG
DECEMBER 21: RUB-A-DUB-DUB - TONY MILLIONAIRE
DECEMBER 22: HANSA AND GRETYL AND PIECE OF SHIT - REBECCA CURTIS
DECEMBER 23: BRIDESICLE - WILL MCINTOSH
DECEMBER 24: I, CTHULHU, OR, WHAT'S A TENTACLE-FACED THING LIKE ME DOING IN A SUNKEN CITY LIKE THIS (LATITUDE 47° 9' S, LONGITUDE 126° 43' W)? - NEIL GAIMAN
DECEMBER 25: CHRISTMAS TALE - MARK LAWRENCE
DECEMBER 26: THE MONSTERS OF HEAVEN - NATHAN BALLINGRUD
DECEMBER 27: TWO DREAMS ON TRAINS - ELIZABETH BEAR
DECEMBER 28: THE MARTIANS CLAIM CANADA - MARGARET ATWOOD
DECEMBER 29: UNDER THE WAVE - LAUREN GROFF
DECEMBER 30: MR. SALARY - SALLY ROONEY
DECEMBER 31: A/S/L - EMMA CLINE

come to my blog!

[Prabhjot Kaur · Rating 4 out of 5]

A guy is in a cleaning business but more on the side of cleaning dead bodies and stuff like that. He's on one such cleaning job when he comes across a spaceman with green blood but that spaceman looks exactly like a human. He also comes across a doll who he gets smitten with and eventually figures out that the spacemen are after that doll, Kitty. He also learns that Kitty comes from beyond Jupiter.

This read like old-timey detective, gangster full of glamour story which it was, as it was based few years after 1929. The story had couple of surprises and it also made me laugh out loud so many times. A charming story and I thoroughly enjoyed this.

4.5 stars

[Badseedgirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Luck be a lady tonight
Luck be a lady tonight
Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with
Luck be a lady tonight.
Luck let a gentleman see
How nice a dame you can be
I've seen the way you've treated other guys you've been with
Luck be a lady with me."

That right, Guys and Dolls ran through my head reading this delightful tale about a 30's cleaner and his friend "the cleaner" who end up doing a pretty amazing job for one night, and save any number of working girls in the process.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The blurb describes this as "a Damon Runyon-esque tale of courteous guys, bulletproof dolls, and the fedora-clad spacemen that bring them together" which in fact is quite accurate. Really enjoyed it!

[Colleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun, little read by award-winning science fiction author, James Alan Gardner. Apparently, it is written in a style to honor Damon Runyon, whom I have not yet read....but now would like to read his books, also. It's a story about gangsters, J. Edgar Hoover, G-men, "dolls", and an outstanding cleaning man, Carl. Carl can clean up any mess....including spacemen with green blood!

[Quỳnh · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Clean Sweep With All the Trimmings (Dịch vụ dọn dẹp sạch sành sanh): Một câu chuyện mang phong cách Damon Runyon về một anh chàng ga lăng rơi vào lưới tình với một cô nàng chống đạn và vướng vào rắc rối với một loạt những người vũ trụ đội mũ phớt xanh. Đây là truyện ngắn kỷ niệm 77 năm ngày mất của Damon Runyon - nhà văn Mỹ nổi tiếng với chất văn thú vị đặc trưng và loạt truyện về thành phố New York sau lệnh cấm bán rượu đã truyền cảm hứng cho vở nhạc kịch "Guys and Dolls".

Mình không biết gì về phong cách viết của Damon Runyon, nhưng có vẻ ông thích sáng tạo từ lóng riêng cho giới găng-xtơ của mình. Theo đó, mấy cô đào trong "A Clean Sweep" được gọi là "búp bê bánh nướng nhỏ" (cupcake doll). Mình đã cười sằng sặc khi đọc đến đoạn "Em sẽ không phải một nàng búp bê bánh nướng nhỏ hoàn hảo nếu không yêu thích công việc. Và em thích nó. Em muốn bánh nướng nhỏ, cả ngày lẫn đêm." Nếu các bạn hiểu ý mình *nháy mắt*

Má ơi, truyện nó vui gì đâu :)) Nó đơn giản về cốt truyện nhưng vẫn có xì-tai riêng: cách hành văn rất nhộn, nguồn năng lượng vui tươi và bầu không khí sôi động rộn ràng. Rõ là các nhân vật đều theo khuôn mẫu của thể loại này nhưng không hề rập khuôn. Anh chàng ga lăng thích tự làm khó bản thân bằng mấy trò con bò, thiếu nữ gặp nạn cũng chẳng phải dạng liễu yếu đào tơ, các nhân vật phụ đều có đất diễn riêng. Mình đã có một trải nghiệm đọc vui vẻ :))

[Mayumi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Li aqui, marquei lido aqui: Some of the Best from Tor.com, 2011 edition.

[Maggie Gordon · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was... okay? I think it was a bit too silly for my tastes, and I rankled at the conversation about "dolls". Interesting combo of scifi and gangster-era timeline, but it certainly wasn't my favourite.

[Ellana Thornton-Wheybrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading as a part of Some of the Best from Tor.com: 2011 Edition

This definitely reads better if you imagine the character voices with a 1930s New York gangster accent. A horror story or a science fiction story, it is difficult to tell. Either way, it was brilliant.

[Melody Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

As good as Mr. Gardner always gives

Just loved it. I wasn't expecting a short story, but I wasn't disappointed. A very pleasant evening spent reading this.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not for me.

[Kate Atonic · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short story in homage to Guys and Dolls with aliens. I never saw Guys and Dolls, but was it about women who craved cupcakes and male attention? This was kind of sexist.

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

. . . I hear talk of a new doll at Madame Rosa’s, and many guys say she is the cat’s meow. I pay no attention because every new doll at Madame Rosa’s is called the cat’s meow. This time, however, it seems more than just talk, and more than just meowing.

Fun Guys and Dolls-type tale about tough guys, dames, and spacemen. Seems the most important thing here is to keep things hidden from J. Edgar Hoover. And, it ends with the beginnings of a beautiful friendship.

[Marco · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a Damon Runyon-esque tale of courteous guys, bulletproof dolls, and the fedora-clad spacemen that bring them together. The story was written by the author as a tribute to Damon Runyon, for the seventy-fifth anniversary of its death. It tries to use Runyon's delightful, distinctive prose style and the post-Prohibition New York atmosphere in a sci-fi setting.

[James Gardner]

I love Damon Runyon.

[Yzma · Rating 5 out of 5]

I plan to reread this every year. It's such an entertaining short story. I wish there was more.

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short. Fun. Very classic gumshoe-ish voice. I love his work.