Deliciously sly and sometimes macabre short stories, each with a twist in the tale from a master storyteller. In the late 1970s, Roald Dahl’s short stories were televised in England in a series titled, ‘Tales of the Unexpected’ and I watched them with avid interest. It was wonderful to discover this audiobook and listen to each story narrated by some of my favorite British actors.
TASTE – The stakes are high in this wager on the origin of a bottle of wine. Read by Richard E Grant.
LAMB TO THE SLAUGHTER – I remember this story most vividly from the TV series. It is quite unexpected and deliciously devious! Read by Juliet Stevenson.
MAN FROM THE SOUTH– Another wager story with a twist. This one made me cringe and had me ‘on edge’ the entire time I was listening! Read by Stephen Mangan
THE SOLDIER– A creepy story with an unreliable narrator. The soldier might have PTSD but, there were additional neurological symptoms that I wondered about. I couldn’t make up my mind if the wife was plotting to kill the soldier/husband, or vice versa! Read by Stephen Mangan
MY LADY LOVE, MY DOVE – On the surface, Arthur appears hen-pecked and thinks to himself, “If only Pamela would try to be less solicitous of my welfare, less prone to coax me into doing things for my own good rather than for my own pleasure, then everything would be heaven.” However, Arthur and Pamela each have their own thread of wickedness and together, they plot against their weekend guests, whom Pamela despises as social climbers. However, they get more than they bargained for! Read by Richard Griffiths
DIP IN THE POOL – This story takes place on a cruise ship sailing rough seas. ‘Pool’ has a double-meaning. After dinner the passengers participate in a betting pool to guess how much progress the ship will make the next day. The participant whose bet is closest to the actual distance traveled will win the entire ‘pool.’ The distance travelled is affected by the weather and how rough or smooth the sea is. I love this passage that describes the effect the rough sea has on the passengers:
“It was very gentle at first, just a slow, lazy leaning to one side, then to the other, but it was enough to cause a subtle, immediate change of mood over the whole room. A few of the passengers glanced up from their food, hesitating, waiting, almost listening for the next roll, smiling nervously, little secret glimmers of apprehension in their eyes. Some were completely unruffled, some were openly smug, a number of the smug ones making jokes about food and weather in order to torture the few who were beginning to suffer.”
Mr Botibol places his bet expecting continued rough seas and slow progress. He is foiled when the sea is calm the next morning. To control the ship’s progress and win the ‘pool,’ he must come up with a plan to slow the ship down. Read by Adrian Scarborough
GALLOPING FOXLEY – The sophistication of the vocabulary and class distinction sets this story apart. William Perkins has taken the same train among the same small group of passengers for 15-years. “When occasionally a new face appears on the platform it causes a certain disclamatory, protestant ripple, like a new bird in a cage of canaries.” Perkins has his nose put out of joint when a stranger with a “powerful presence of arrogance and oil,” carrying a pipe, a cane and the Daily Mail newspaper settles in his ‘excusive’ compartment on the train.
For years Perkins has enjoyed the “special little pleasure” of having the compartment to himself to read The Times newspaper. The way the stranger swings his cane recalls ‘Galloping’ Foxley, a bully from his first year at public school in 1907, when he was 12 and had been a “small pale shrimp of a boy.” Foxley’s bullying was most cruel, and Perkins devises a plan to publicly humiliate him. Read by Richard Griffiths
SKIN – Drioli, a retired tattoo artist discovers a painting in a gallery. He realizes he knew the artist some years ago and reminisces about their time together. The gallery owner asks the disheveled Drioli to leave. Drioli exposes his bare back revealing a tattoo of a painting by the same artist. The gallery owner is astonished and tries to persuade Drioli to have the painting surgically removed, so he can buy it. An art collector offers Drioli a place in his luxury hotel where guests may view the painting on his back. Which will he choose? Read by Tamsin Greig
POISON – Timber arrives home to discover his partner Harry acting strangely. He tells Timber that “an extremely poisonous little snake crawled onto the bed and is now sleeping under the sheet on [his] stomach.” Timber summons Dr. Ganderbai who arrives with snakebite serum. However, when they finally draw the sheet back, there is no evidence of a snake. Harry showers Dr. Ganderbai with racist insults and we discover the true source of poison. Read by Richard E Grant
THE WISH – At about 10-minutes in length, this was the shortest of all the short stories. A young boy turns a new carpet into an imaginary land. He must travel the length of the carpet without stepping on the black areas, which represent snakes, to receive his reward of a puppy. Read by Stephen Mangan
NECK – London’s most eligible bachelor, Sir Basil Turton is swept to the altar by the beautiful Natalia. About 6-years later, Natalia, aka Lady Turton is showing a besotted Major Haddock around the grounds of their estate when her head gets stuck in a wooden sculpture while posing for a photograph. The butler advances toward her carrying an axe. However, Sir Basil deems this unsafe and selects a saw instead. “’Lady Turton is pale-faced and gurgling incoherently with fear,” while Sir Basil has an odd look of amusement in his eyes. Read by Julian Rhind-Tutt
THE SOUND MACHINE – Klausner is described as “a frail, nervous, twitchy little man, a moth of a man, dreamy and distracted; suddenly fluttering and animated” and he gives the impression of possessing “a quality of distance, of immense, immeasurable distance, as though the mind was far away from where the body was.”
Klausner is obsessed with sound. He wants to listen to sounds that the human ear cannot normally hear, so he makes a sound machine, which is described as a black box measuring 3 feet long and roughly the shape of a child’s coffin, to convert high pitched sounds to a lower pitch that he will be able to hear. Klausner is successful, however, I fear it is a case of ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Read by Adrian Scarborough
NUNC DIMITTIS – A gossip tells Lionel that his younger girlfriend, Janet finds him boring. Lionel sets out to humiliate Janet in public. He commissions a painting of Janet, without her knowledge, from an artist who employs a unique method. He paints the subject naked and then, adds layers of clothing at intervals. Lionel, a skilled art restorer, carefully removes the layers of paint to reveal Janet in her underwear. Next, Lionel hosts a candlelight dinner for all their high society friends and reveals the painting when the lights are turned on at the end of the evening. Janet is thoroughly humiliated. Two days later in an apparent act of forgiveness, Janet sends Lionel a gift of his favorite caviar, which he is unable to resist. Read by Derek Jacobi
THE GREAT AUTOMATIC GRAMMATIZATOR – An automatic computing engine that can make calculations in 5 seconds that would take a human being a month to work out. Favorite passage: “there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There’ll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose.” “Where?” “In the ‘word-memory’ section,” he said, epexegetically. Read by Will Self
CLAUD’S DOG: This disturbing story is divided into four sections and read by Jessica Hynes.
The Ratcatcher – contains descriptions that made my skin crawl. There are rats living in Rummins’ hayrick and a rat catcher is summoned. The ‘rodent operative’ arrives on the scene by “sidling up the driveway with a stealthy, soft-treading gait” and is described as having a rat-like appearance with “a sharp face and two long sulphur-coloured teeth that protruded from the upper jaw.” Even the way he speaks gave me a shiver down my spine. “The word ‘rats’ came out of his mouth soft and throaty, with a rich fruity relish as though he were gargling with melted butter. ‘Let’s take a look at them rraats.’”
Rummins – is an odious farmer described as having a “wide frog mouth, broken teeth and shifty eyes.” And, the description of Bert’s bad eye lends an additional air of creepiness, “it was pale grey all over, like a boiled fish-eye,” although it is fixed in one position, “it appeared always to be looking at you and following you round.” There’s trouble afoot and Rummins seems to be ‘in the know,’ whereas Bert is unsuspecting.
Mr Hoddy – is described as “a small sour apple of a man, grey-skinned and shrivelled, with a dozen or so surviving strands of black hair pasted across the dome of his bald head.” Another deliciously revolting description: “Mr Hoddy was eating a slice of currant cake, nibbling it round the edges, and his small mouth was like the mouth of a caterpillar biting a tiny curved slice out of the edge of a leaf.” Later, I felt truly squeamish when maggots were introduced.
Mr Feasey – “has an incredible memory and is able to spot an imposter dog from a mile away,” which is bad news for Claud and his friend Gordon who have been working a scam at the Greyhound racing track. Claud is described as having a “big bovine face secret and cunning” and his dog Jackie “had the widest most human-smiling grin.” Every time Gordon sees it, he anticipates hearing “him start laughing out loud as well.” Who will have the last laugh?