Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach

by Gerald L. Hiestand, Jay S. Thomas

How far is too far?

What does the Bible say about sexuality?

How can I have a legit dating relationship?

Considering the sex-crazed, hook-up based culture we live in--not to mention the ever-climbing divorce rate--it's clear that we need a better understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Pastors Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas give us a paradigm-shifting view of purity and relationships--a view that accounts for the biblical evidence and helps us guard against unnecessary heartache.

Sex, Dating, and Relationships adds a new, almost provocative voice to the conversation that pleads with Christians to get serious about honoring Christ with their sexuality. The question is: Are you ready for the challenge?

Genres: Christian, Relationships, Christian Living, Marriage, Theology, Faith, Nonfiction

154 pages, Paperback

First published February 29, 2012

About the author

Gerald L. Hiestand (PhD candidate, University of Reading) is the senior associate pastor at Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park, Illinois, and the cofounder and director of the Center for Pastor Theologians. He is coauthor of The Pastor Theologian: Resurrecting an Ancient Vision and coeditor of Becoming a Pastor Theologian and Beauty, Order, and Mystery.

Reviews

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read several books before on dating/courtship/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. This book beats them all.

Pros:

I love how this book starts investigating this topic by going right to the Bible and founding the entire discussion in the Gospel. Too many other authors that I've read seem to start their discussion and reasoning on this topic based off of personal anecdotes, or slippery-slope arguments. To have a book start with the Bible and looking at the point of marriage first is a refreshing perspective in a very crowded field of perspectives on this topic.

Coming off of the first point, I really appreciated how the authors tried to ground their advice in the Bible as much as possible. While I was a bit skeptical at first of their claim that the Bible says more about this than we think, I was won over by the end of the book. Their central point of relationships--that there are only three kinds of relationships in the Bible (marriage, family, neighbor), and that while some things change over time, you can't just add a whole new category of relationship--was excellent and completely transformed my whole paradigm of thinking on this issue.

This book kind of defies categories in the whole dating/courtship debate. The best way I see of describing it is that it has many of the standards of courtship, but the form of dating. In my opinion, this middle route does a great job of mediating the natural problems of either side (the lack of focus in dating, the excessive formality of courtship; not that those in those camps necessarily fall into those problems, but that often they have those leanings).

Finally, Hiestand and Thomas' points of commitment and how there really is no commitment until engagement were really good. It became somewhat repetitious at this point, but the message was driven home. And while I don't agree with all of the practical applications they tried to drive with this (while their argument for why dating isn't exclusive sounded alright in theory, I can't see it working in practice) the general principle here was really on-target.

Cons:

While I appreciated the fact that the book didn't rely on personal anecdotes and stories, it would have been nice if they had some of them in order to give some pictures of what their theories look like in practice.

Overall:

It's hard to list all the different things about this book that I liked since this book has fundamentally changed the way I think about relationships. This is easily one of the best books I read last year, and one that I heartily recommend for this topic, both for all the biblical support they give, and for their unique ideas that accurately portray the problems in the modern dating/courting sphere.

5 stars.

[Lydia Carlisle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful book, finishing on such an encouragement:

"His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"

[Myllena Melo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Esse é o melhor livro a que tive acesso até hoje no tema. É absurdamente esclarecedor quanto a questão de limites sem ser legalista. Foi como que uma venda caísse dos meus olhos à medida que eu lia. Arrependida por que posterguei por anos a leitura desse livro. :)

[Logan Maloney · Rating 1 out of 5]

So I had to read this for a men’s group and boy was this book terrible. It’s not that I completely disagreed with everything, there were some things I liked. The problem was that the book was pretty narrow-minded and you can tell that this book on dating was written by two older married guys. This made it problematic when discussing their “solution” to today’s dating model as they feel like the only problem with it is the sexual boundaries aspect of dating. They spent 3/4 of this book talking about boundaries (which I didn’t necessarily disagree with completely) but through that conversation, assumed the only readers would be guys and belittled the role of the woman in a relationship. This was pretty frustrating and was just the surface of the problems that I had with this book.

[Rachel Schultz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am hesitant to say a critique because the book is very good but I have to say that I was shocked by their disappointing brief section on one sensitive topic which I found soft and out of line with all of the (good! accurate!) things they said in the preceding chapters about the point of any sexuality to be to model the unity of christ and the church. And also, there were just a few stray sentences that were bad.

For these reasons I took off a star, but many sections, and the main concepts of the book are five star and v helpful. While I would counsel every individual to their diverse personality, needs, and the person of interest, I will certainly use explanations from this book to guide my children or other singles I have relationships with.

[Arielle Thorpe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part 1 of reading books gifted to me on my shelf before I let myself buy new ones. I can’t believe I let this one sit on my shelf for 2 years unread. not gonna lie mostly I didn’t read it because I judged it by its cover and was just not entirely interested in a full book on who/how to date but really it just ended up being about purity/singleness and it is truly what it’s called:: a fresh approach


update now have read a second time but with a friend and it was just as fire as before

[Lizzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hiestand & Thomas offer a fresh perspective on what it look like for Christian’s to honor God with our minds, bodies, and heart. If marriage is a picture of the union of Christ with His bride the church, how do Christians walk out dating or relationships in such a way that their lives reflect Christ rather then distracting from Him? Hiestand and Thomas speak out against the modern method of dating and hook-up culture, rather encouraging believers to view marriage and sexuality in alignment with the gospel. Their insights were thought provoking, intuitive and compelling. They gave me food for thought and I appreciated how scripturally based their arguments and ideas were.

[Joel Heming · Rating 5 out of 5]

A clear and practical book written for those both in relationships and those who aren't. I found this especially useful, giving the biblical aspects of a dating relationship and what it entails alongside giving a clear mandate for purity, treating all as brothers and sisters until the very point of marriage. The concept of a 'dating friendship', although not commonly known about in today's society, was intriguing and makes one recontemplate the 'conventional' methods of finding a spouse. I would recommend this book to anyone seeking to find solace in singleness, those who are seeking a romantic relationship and those who want purity in their romantic relationship, glorifying God and foreshadowing Christ and His Church.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very clear, direct, and gospel centered. Would recommend to anyone who is dating or desires to be in a relationship!

[Christiana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had so many takeaways reading this book. I think a lot of their insights on relationships and dating are pretty crazy by today's standards, even for Christians, but also very biblical. I also think a lot of their guidelines on relationships are only doable if both individuals have read the book and agree, otherwise the level of commitment in the relationship could be confusing. That's why I gave it 4 stars, because dating friendships and the commitment in those relationships don't really convince me a couple will know they're ready for marriage.

All in all, before this book I hadn't read anything so straightforward about spiritual reasons for purity--the most important being we need to respect that we're made in God's image--so that was super inspiring to me. I don't think I fully agree with everything presented in this book but the authors promoted living out the Gospel and helped their readers desire to do that too, so I'm very happy I finally read it!

[Rosemary · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful book and overall I found it a refreshing, clarifying, and encouraging look at the topic. The call to a higher standard of Gospel centered sexual purity in every stage of life was convicting and inspiring. It takes a lot to intimidate me, but this book came across pretty strong handed. Maybe it's just the rebel streak in me, but even though I found myself generally agreeing with the authors', the way they presented their case made it a bit hard to swallow. The last few chapters were a head above the rest of the book in clarity, encouragement, and practical advice; but I guess you needed the ground work of the rest of the book for them to have their full effect. I would definitely recommend this to friends!

[Shantelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars, with caution. Does that make sense? *laughs* I loved this book and many of the ideas presented, but I would read it with discretion. I don't necessarily agree with everything. Regardless, it's another great resource to get us thinking seriously about sexuality, holiness, relationships, and marriage! So, especially if you are a single Christian, I would recommend picking up a copy of "Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, and giving some thought and prayer to what Gerald Hiestand and Jay S. Thomas have to say!

[Ginger · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pastor recommended this book to me when my kids were young. So I bought it and put it away for later. Now that they are teenagers and dating I decided it was time to bring this book out. Our family read it together and discussed it, chapter by chapter. It opened the door for some very funny but also very meaningful conversations. It wasn't a self-help or advice book, it was more of a shift in perspective. A Biblical approach and explanation to friendships, dating, and marriage, which is very different from the world/culture we live in today. We didn't agree with everything but overall found it to be helpful and thought-provoking. The tone was conversational and easy to read, not preachy.

[Calvin West]

2021- A book about relationships

[Katie Beavers · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best Christian books I’ve read. Well organized and incredibly Gospel centered. I feel like I want to just buy a dozen or so copies and give them to everyone in my life. Cannot recommend it enough.

[Ceidric Platero · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got a deep sense of humility from this book and I really thought that the author had many wise points, but I was hung up on a few things. My 3-star rating is subject to change. I want to get some more perspectives from others. I'll share some things I liked and then some things I felt were off (though, please know that this is not a comprehensive list):

I liked that the author painted sex, dating, and relationships within the worldview I have as a Christian: that all things point to the gospel. I liked the reminder that we ultimately long for the deep relationship with Christ and that many ways we've strayed from 'holiness' is in pursuit of that deep relationship (or synthesized relationship) elsewhere. I liked how the author approached the topic of singleness: it was both tender and empowering. I also liked that this book got me thinking more about what commitments I'm explicitly or in-explicitly making when I use words like "dating" or "girlfriend." I think the main gift this book gave me is a deeper awareness of my words I exchange with the woman I'm considering for marriage so that I don't promise anything more than I can and a deeper concern for that woman's heart.

There are a few example conversations between two fictional characters: a pastor and a female church-member. These conversations made me feel awkward because I was distracted by the potential unwise implications of a one-on-one conversation about dating between a married male pastor and a single woman and I always feel weird when a male author writes from the perspective of a female (especially if that perspective contains thoughts of sexuality and perspectives on dating).

Many of the conversations surrounded an assumption of guy-initiates-girl-waits. Though, this is orthodox, I hope these passages didn't seem too male-centric. There are points in the book where the author addresses that a female has power to make definitions and engage in the conversations herself, but it seems like the book addressed men more than it did women. Also, there is a conversation surrounding dressing modestly - and more specifically, the book addresses women dressing more modestly. This is a conversation I'm seeing a change of tone in on Instagram: a recent post I saw proposed that instead of men pushing women to believe "modest is hottest," men should instead teach other men to not think like rapists. This book does address that the thoughts men have toward women should be worked on in the heart (and that it is possible for men not to be subject to how women dress) and that modesty is super subjective, but I just don't want to shame women nor create any potential for double-standards. There are other points where I felt like the readers could sense an odd "conservative tone," but these were a couple that especially stood out to me.

I'll be reading other reviews to see what others (especially women) thought of this book, but I'd be curious to hear your comments on my thoughts. Feel free to comment below :)

[Danette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent!! Hiestand and Thomas give us a gospel-centered way to look at dating and challenge us to depart from the culture's ways and live a Christ-exalting life of purity. A must-read for teens and young adults and their parents.

"So if you find the road too long, then rest assured you have found the right road. With mankind, this journey is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. He remembers our frame, that we are but dust. His mercy and grace are sufficient for our failures along the way. Strive for the ideal with all your heart while affording yourself the same grace God has granted to you through Christ. And may we each keep our eyes on his face rather than on our own stumbling, and press on toward the goal of God's ideal. For the believer, the battle is already won; it merely remains to be fought!"

2020 A book about relationships or friendship

[Leandro Dutra]

First really good thing I have read since Walter Trobisch, in some aspects even better for being based on the Reformed worldview, and specifically on the idea that all of life is related to the gospel. Not as geared to youngsters as Trobisch, I hope it spawms other works for teenagers, for girls, for parents.

[Felipe Sabino · Rating 5 out of 5]

O melhor livro que já li sobre o assunto. Muito feliz de finalmente publicá-lo pela Editora Monergismo!

[Eric Durso · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish every teen in my church would read this. So good.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t like my review of this book.

[Marina Klimova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hmm.. and I thought the Slavic Baptist dating culture was messed up lol This view of dating truly was refreshing because it encapsulates the conclusions I've already made after seeing the destructiveness of Slavic Baptists' golden standard of "not dating at all": getting to know if she's the one through group activities and ministry to then eventually pop the question and be engaged for maximum nine months/ a year and guilt tripping those that do decide to date/ end up breaking up after dating. But, this is also not the American way of just casually dating or being exclusive for an inordinate amount of time without any actual commitment to marriage. This book gives a measured middle ground of friend dating, going on dates to get to know a person for marriage while clarifying that the decision hasn’t been made yet (no romance or physical affection you wouldn’t give towards your sibling). It also gives a convicting view of purity in every sphere of life. I kind of already agreed with the latter but I think the authors took the idea further and gave tools to eliminate lust at the root: the heart. I feel encouraged that biblical dating does exist for faithful believers and that God has it all under control. Everything ultimately is done for Gods glory and dating should also be seen through that lens of the gospel. This view of dating seems to have a solid biblical foundation but alas since it’s not spelled out word for word in the Bible I admit there might differences of opinion and aspects that can be argued otherwise. It appeals to me largely because of my background and would be very helpful for my Slavic Baptist single compatriots. I will definitely be sharing this book with them.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this book moments ago. I’m still reeling from the unbelievably beautiful and biblically sound exposition of scripture in this book. I’ve been looking for resources (and have read multiple) on Christian singleness, dating, and marriage. Some have been helpful, others a spewing of opinions leaving a lot to be desired in the way of biblical substance and grounding. Some of the previous resources I have read did not sit right with my conscience and my knowledge of scripture as it relates to purity. However, that’s kind of part and parcel of the larger Christian society. Ask anyone “how far is too far?” And you will get a spectrum of subjective responses. I have felt very personally convicted about what I believe the Bible teaches about purity, but was yet to find a resource that came out and said it with Spirit empowered boldness. If you are a serious follower of Christ and seek for your life decisions to be informed by the scriptures, then read this book! I read this book in 2 days. I could have finished in one if it wasn’t for work and sleep (lol). These pastors provide clarity on an issue that scripture is not really unclear about. However, I believe our flesh and our skewed society makes it “confusing”. I don’t want to give any “spoilers” away, but expect to be in awe of the beauty of God’s design for marriage and sex. Be prepared to put your preconceived notions at the door and read with an open mind. This book provides the theological backing for their assertions and also provides clear, simple, and practical steps forward. I found myself utterly convicted, stunned, and ultimately more aware of the gospel’s implications on my life after reading this. I will be recommending this to everyone I know that interacts with Christian singles.

[Libby King · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the most eye-opening, challenging, gospel-centered, and biblically-sound approach I have ever read regarding marriage, sexuality, dating, and singleness. Slightly contentious at times but is something even worth reading if it doesn’t stir the pot a little bit🥣 probably should read with others so that you can discuss




“The restraint required to live out this ideal is great, particularly in a culture that cannot even begin to comprehend the relationship between Christ and his church. But we must always remember for whom our sexuality was made. It was made first for the Lord as a divine illustration of his nature and purposes. To bypass this reality and use it prematurely for our own gratification is to rob it of its significance and meaning and thus of it’s true pleasure in our lives. We must not take that which God has created as sacred and use it prematurely in common relationships that fall short of his intention.”

[Luke Berry · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fresh take on how to pursue relationships in an age of sexual promiscuity and emotional heartbreak. The authors call out the readers to follow age old wisdom, not modern society, when it comes to searching out a spouse. Their advice aims at minimizing these physical and emotional wounds by exposing the false sense of security and commitment that the dating model provides. They advocate for relationships that focus on character qualities, personality, and likeminded vision instead of sexual chemistry and emotional codependency. The wisdom of this book should not be brushed off lightly as “old fashioned” or “outdated” without the reader seriously considering and having more than superficial rebuttals for the well thought through and challenging points of view present.

[Isaac Busby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has done exactly what it was intended to do. Maybe I would apply a few things differently, but the authors freshly and objectively considered the biblical categories of relationships without cultural bias. Not just another cliche Christian dating book, it shifts the whole understanding and process of dating to more biblically informed categories of relationships.

I would recommend this to any Christian. It’s short enough, and we’re all heavily impacted by the dating culture whether we’re dating, single, or married. If not even for yourself, this book is worth thinking through so that you can give good, biblical advice.

[Stephen Mulder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I vaguely remember reading Joshua Harris' 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' in my late teens. Sex, Dating, and Relationships seems to be a much more balanced and Biblically faithful treatment of the difficult subject of the dating relationship. Would recommend this to anyone trying to think through how to rightly date someone.

[Clare S-B · Rating 4 out of 5]

The thoughts and concepts were really good. The presentation was lacking. Words were not well defined... at all. Some application was very confusing because of it. Even so I can recommend it as a read because I think it has some great ideas and can at the least stimulate really good conversations and lines of thought. I'm glad I'm not in the dating world myself anymore but for friends that are I would recommend this book, but please don't take it as the bible and realize that it does have trouble communicating some points well because of improperly defined words. And while there is no one size fits all as far as dating goes, this seems a pretty good approach to a God honouring way of dating.

[Marcones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Melhor livro sobre o assunto. Sensacional!

[Vincent Lemieux · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply excellent. Gospel-driven and Christ oriented. This book should be read by every adolescents, parents and pastors.

The Bible is a lot more clear than we think about relationships between a man and a woman out of mariage.

I highly recommend and pray that this will be in French soon.