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The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said
A fresh selection of sharp, witty zingers gathered from both famous and utterly unknown (but very quotable) sources, by the editor of the popular The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said Robert Byrne’s quote books are widely praised as authoritative and accessible sources of sayings for any and all occasions. Byrne’s own wit, diligent research, and creativity combine to form a fresh go-to reference that serves readers better than Google—no Wi-Fi required. The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said is an all-new collection of clever quips and laugh-out-loud punch lines from Gracie Allen to Frank Zappa, on such topics as sex, divorce, religion, fashion, animals, and money: STEVE MARTIN: “I’d do anything for a good body except exercise and eat right.” JON STEWART: “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” NORA EPHRON: “Successful parents have adult children who can pay for their own psychoanalysis.” This compilation, to be enjoyed by generations young and old, deserves a place of honor on every language lover’s bookshelf.
- GenresNonfictionHumor
671 pages, Paperback
Published May 1, 2012
16 people are currently reading
155 people want to read
About the author
Robert Byrne
91 books18 followersRobert Byrne is the author of seven novels, five collections of humorous quotations, seven books on billiards, two anthologies, and an expose of frauds in the literary world. One of his novels, Thrill, was made into NBC’s Monday Night Movie, which aired for the first time on May 20, 1996. Four of his novels were selections of Reader’s Digest Condensed Books and published in many languages. His style is widely praised for its clarity and wit. Byrne’s Standard Book of Pool and Billiards, published in 1978 and expanded in 1998, has sold over 500,000 copies. -byrne.org
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
February 26, 2024
Update, 2/3/24:
I marked a few quotes this time. Enjoy.
"He was a tubby little chap who looked like he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say, 'When.'"
-P.G. Wodehouse
(I use this to describe myself now, but not because I'm fat. It's because my shirts have shrunk...)
"I know this dress was a bargain because I overheard the clerk in the store say that I got it for a ridiculous figure."
-Minnie Pearl
"Why don't they just get taller girls?"
-Fred Allen (at the ballet).
"Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitler's office with a great idea for a bar mitzvah."
-David Mamet
(I actually just marked this one for a friend who used to be a Hollywood screenwriter and might read this review.)
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick."
-George Burns
(Always love an old age quip. This one is up there with "I knew Colonel Sanders when he was just a private."
"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said."
-William F. Buckley, Jr.
(Pretty small words for Buckley. I throw this one into arguments all the time.)
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."
-Fibber McGee (Bob Sweeney)
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
-Jay Leno
"I asked my mother if I was adopted and she said, "Not yet, but we've placed an ad."
-Dana Snow
"On my sixteenth birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed."
-Tom Cotter
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the kind she's giving me lately."
-Jeff Foxworthy
"Nobody loves me but my mother, and she could be jivin' too."
-B.B. King
"I once burned my bra. It took the fire department four days to put it out."
-Dolly Parton
"I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek, then they'd boo."
-Phyllis Diller
(I once knew a girl like that. Poor thing was built like the road between Dallas and Fort Worth; flat with no curves."
"Homosexuality in Russia is punishable by seven years in prison, confined with other homosexuals. There is a three-year waiting list."
-Yakov Smirnoff
"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
-Joan Rivers
What the heck, here's a second from Joan:
"My parents sent my baby picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not. They sent it back with a note saying they didn't believe it."
That might be a joke for her, but it was an actual experience for me:
(I actually take pride in the fact that I have one of the ugliest baby pictures I've ever seen. Even granddaddy said I'd looked like I'd gone half a dozen rounds with Joe Louis when I was born. And the delivery nurses are the meanest things. They had the gall to insult my mother by telling her "he looks just like you!")
"Latin scholars know that the words penis and pencil are related. Especially in my case.
-John Kerwin
"My wife uses me. Last night she used me to time an egg."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
"Fishing is boring until you catch a fish, when it becomes disgusting."
-a Dave Barry twofer
"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."
-Steve Altman
"Lawyers should be buried at sea because deep down they're alright."
-Unknown
"Some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a week."
-William Dean Howells
"The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose."
-William E. Simon
"At tax time, gather those receipts, get out the tax forms, sharpen your pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-Dave Barry again
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
-Unknown again. (S/he actually has a lot of quotes in here.)
"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett
"People who are late are usually jollier than the people who have to wait for them."
-E.V. Lucas
(Since I'm often waiting for a couple of people I know, I can attest that this is true.)
"'Be yourself' is the worst advice you can give some people."
-Tom Masson
"Never forget that cologne is for after showering, not instead of showering."
-Carol Leifer
(I need to share this with a couple of people.)
Original review, 1/9/13:
I'm tempted to just put some of my favorite quotes from this in here, but that would necessitate me reading the book again and marking them. Plus it would detract from your enjoyment of it should you decide to read it.
I have Byrne's previous 2,548 which were the "best" things anybody ever said, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I read it every couple of years. I think this one is even better, especially if you like humorous quotes. As the title implies, this focuses mainly on witticisms, and almost all of them were pithy, which, of course, is the point of a well executed one-liner. While the first book contained a lot of this, it also had a lot of maxims and adages. This one has just a light sprinkling of sage, and the meat of the matter is humor.
I'd recommend it to anybody. It's something you can pick up for a bit, and put right back down if you run out of reading time, and it's also great for those supercalifragilisticexpialidocious moments where you really just don't know what you want to read when you're looking over your bookshelf. Excellent collection, Mr. Byrne. Check it out.
I marked a few quotes this time. Enjoy.
"He was a tubby little chap who looked like he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say, 'When.'"
-P.G. Wodehouse
(I use this to describe myself now, but not because I'm fat. It's because my shirts have shrunk...)
"I know this dress was a bargain because I overheard the clerk in the store say that I got it for a ridiculous figure."
-Minnie Pearl
"Why don't they just get taller girls?"
-Fred Allen (at the ballet).
"Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitler's office with a great idea for a bar mitzvah."
-David Mamet
(I actually just marked this one for a friend who used to be a Hollywood screenwriter and might read this review.)
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick."
-George Burns
(Always love an old age quip. This one is up there with "I knew Colonel Sanders when he was just a private."
"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said."
-William F. Buckley, Jr.
(Pretty small words for Buckley. I throw this one into arguments all the time.)
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."
-Fibber McGee (Bob Sweeney)
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
-Jay Leno
"I asked my mother if I was adopted and she said, "Not yet, but we've placed an ad."
-Dana Snow
"On my sixteenth birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed."
-Tom Cotter
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I married my wife for her looks, but not the kind she's giving me lately."
-Jeff Foxworthy
"Nobody loves me but my mother, and she could be jivin' too."
-B.B. King
"I once burned my bra. It took the fire department four days to put it out."
-Dolly Parton
"I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek, then they'd boo."
-Phyllis Diller
(I once knew a girl like that. Poor thing was built like the road between Dallas and Fort Worth; flat with no curves."
"Homosexuality in Russia is punishable by seven years in prison, confined with other homosexuals. There is a three-year waiting list."
-Yakov Smirnoff
"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
-Joan Rivers
What the heck, here's a second from Joan:
"My parents sent my baby picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not. They sent it back with a note saying they didn't believe it."
That might be a joke for her, but it was an actual experience for me:
(I actually take pride in the fact that I have one of the ugliest baby pictures I've ever seen. Even granddaddy said I'd looked like I'd gone half a dozen rounds with Joe Louis when I was born. And the delivery nurses are the meanest things. They had the gall to insult my mother by telling her "he looks just like you!")
"Latin scholars know that the words penis and pencil are related. Especially in my case.
-John Kerwin
"My wife uses me. Last night she used me to time an egg."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
"Fishing is boring until you catch a fish, when it becomes disgusting."
-a Dave Barry twofer
"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."
-Steve Altman
"Lawyers should be buried at sea because deep down they're alright."
-Unknown
"Some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a week."
-William Dean Howells
"The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose."
-William E. Simon
"At tax time, gather those receipts, get out the tax forms, sharpen your pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-Dave Barry again
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
-Unknown again. (S/he actually has a lot of quotes in here.)
"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett
"People who are late are usually jollier than the people who have to wait for them."
-E.V. Lucas
(Since I'm often waiting for a couple of people I know, I can attest that this is true.)
"'Be yourself' is the worst advice you can give some people."
-Tom Masson
"Never forget that cologne is for after showering, not instead of showering."
-Carol Leifer
(I need to share this with a couple of people.)
Original review, 1/9/13:
I'm tempted to just put some of my favorite quotes from this in here, but that would necessitate me reading the book again and marking them. Plus it would detract from your enjoyment of it should you decide to read it.
I have Byrne's previous 2,548 which were the "best" things anybody ever said, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I read it every couple of years. I think this one is even better, especially if you like humorous quotes. As the title implies, this focuses mainly on witticisms, and almost all of them were pithy, which, of course, is the point of a well executed one-liner. While the first book contained a lot of this, it also had a lot of maxims and adages. This one has just a light sprinkling of sage, and the meat of the matter is humor.
I'd recommend it to anybody. It's something you can pick up for a bit, and put right back down if you run out of reading time, and it's also great for those supercalifragilisticexpialidocious moments where you really just don't know what you want to read when you're looking over your bookshelf. Excellent collection, Mr. Byrne. Check it out.
February 21, 2013
An entertaining read and I'm sure that I will dig back into this book often in order to use the quotes.
January 16, 2013
With quotes like:
"Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting."
and
"I think, therefore I'm single" -Liz Winston
this was a fun read.
However, it was definitely more adult than I would like and it was so cleverly full of itself that I was almost fed up with it at the end. Also, it didn't have page numbers which, oddly, bugged me.
"Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting."
and
"I think, therefore I'm single" -Liz Winston
this was a fun read.
However, it was definitely more adult than I would like and it was so cleverly full of itself that I was almost fed up with it at the end. Also, it didn't have page numbers which, oddly, bugged me.
October 18, 2015
Such a delightful read, had me laughing aloud constantly!
May 2, 2024
This is the best book at the American International School of Guangzhou library. I read one page everyday at lunch. If it isn’t at my public library, I will buy them a copy. It’s so entertaining, laugh out loud.
October 19, 2024
Dad jokes
September 22, 2018
I enjoyed the companion piece by the author, The 2548 Best Things Anyone Ever Said a bit more. I like to collect aphorisms and was hoping to collect a few hundred or more. Listed below are some aphorisms that caught my eye and tickled my brain:
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows. —Monica Piper
In America, sex is an obsession—elsewhere it’s a fact. —Marlene Dietrich (1901–1992)
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. —Helen Rowland (1875–1950)
The idea of using Viagra at my age is like erecting a new flagpole in front of a condemned building. —Harvey Korman (1927–2008) at age seventy
My troubles don’t come from chasing women. They begin when I catch them. —John Barrymore
A man is as faithful as his options. —Bill Maher
I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. William F. Buckley
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows. —Monica Piper
In America, sex is an obsession—elsewhere it’s a fact. —Marlene Dietrich (1901–1992)
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. —Helen Rowland (1875–1950)
The idea of using Viagra at my age is like erecting a new flagpole in front of a condemned building. —Harvey Korman (1927–2008) at age seventy
My troubles don’t come from chasing women. They begin when I catch them. —John Barrymore
A man is as faithful as his options. —Bill Maher
I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. William F. Buckley
March 31, 2014
I don't think I will ever get done with this book. I found this book in one of the best bookstores in New Delhi, Fact & Fiction Book Sellers. It was such an unusual find, and I loved it from first read. It's true: This is just some of the wittiest things ever uttered. You'll find it very easy to read about a 100 of them at a time, with no trouble. And see that it also rubs off on you. Not a bad investment at all. Share with everyone around you to get them to lighten up.
February 14, 2014
This was a fast fun read, but I wish there had been some criteria as to how the compiler chose his quotes. I kept thinking that all of these would make very RT worthy tweets. My favorites included, "The cat left the room." From Snoopy on being told by Lucy to write something that would please everybody.
August 5, 2013
More collected by Byrne. Seems to draw from comedians and TV shows more than his earlier volumes, but when you're getting up into the thousands of clever sayings, that's probably the nature of the beast.
August 30, 2013
OK, but not great. Possible the "snarkiest" things ever said but certainly not the wittiest. (For one thing there was not nearly enough Winston Churchill)
Also: this would more properly be titled "The 2,547 Slightly Wittiest Things People Said" since #835 is a duplicate of #801.
Also: this would more properly be titled "The 2,547 Slightly Wittiest Things People Said" since #835 is a duplicate of #801.
October 27, 2017
I've been reading this for months (bathroom book - don't judge).
Now that I'm finally through it, I want to read it again! As the title states, it's 2,548 quotes. They are clever and funny and worth every moment spent on them.
Now that I'm finally through it, I want to read it again! As the title states, it's 2,548 quotes. They are clever and funny and worth every moment spent on them.
August 13, 2012
This was just fun-and it was great to see who actually said some common expressions that I've known for years, but never knew from whence they originated.
February 2, 2013
A good, mindless,entertaining book.
May 5, 2013
This was awesome!
August 4, 2014
A bunch of one liners that will make you chuckle and wish you were friends with the person who said them.
April 26, 2015
I wish I'd bought this one in paperback. It would be great to refer back to when I need a pithy remark. So many great lines in this compilation!
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews